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♪♪♪
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[announcer]
Donald Trump Jr.
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00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:13,679
is testifying to the
Senate Intelligence Committee.
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00:00:13,679 --> 00:00:17,011
Unfortunately, news cameras
are not allowed inside.
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00:00:17,011 --> 00:00:20,011
[tape whirring]
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[man] Would the witness please
state your name for the record?
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D-- Uh-- [clears throat]
Donald Trump Jr.
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Uh, previous aliases include
"D-T-J," "His Royal Drinkiness,"
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00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:33,470
"Señor Bong," "The Freak,"
"2 Fast, 2 Junior-ous,"
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00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:34,929
and "Sir Shits-Himself."
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00:00:34,929 --> 00:00:36,762
[woman] Did the President
have advanced knowledge
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00:00:36,762 --> 00:00:38,053
of the Trump Tower
meeting?
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00:00:38,053 --> 00:00:40,428
Yeah, but only because
he can see the future!
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00:00:40,428 --> 00:00:43,345
Like, yesterday, he said he just
knows he's going to prison.
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00:00:43,345 --> 00:00:44,970
That's spooky!
[woman] Jesus Christ.
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00:00:44,970 --> 00:00:46,220
You guys
are lawyers, right?
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00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:49,053
So, okay, I backed over
this pizza delivery kid,
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00:00:49,053 --> 00:00:51,762
and his big-ass Adam's apple
dinged my bumper!
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00:00:51,762 --> 00:00:53,220
Am I entitled
to compensation?
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00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,845
[man] Please let's stay on
topic.
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00:00:54,845 --> 00:00:55,929
[tape fast-forwarding]
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00:00:55,929 --> 00:00:57,970
The secret is to launch
the firecracker
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00:00:57,970 --> 00:00:59,762
from the bottom of your crack.
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00:00:59,762 --> 00:01:00,970
[tape fast-forwarding]
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00:01:00,970 --> 00:01:03,428
It stings a little,
but you get drunker faster!
26
00:01:03,428 --> 00:01:04,595
[tape fast-forwarding]
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00:01:04,595 --> 00:01:06,220
Russia collusion? Not I!
28
00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:09,178
I've been crab-fishing
on the high seas!
29
00:01:09,178 --> 00:01:10,970
[man] Did you hide
a sailor suit in the bathroom?
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[woman] How do you feel
about your father
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00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:14,095
putting you
in this situation?
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Oh, no! Here it comes!
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00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,261
[screaming wildly]
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I'll tell you everything!
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00:01:18,929 --> 00:01:22,470
[tape fast-forwarding]
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But when I'm in jail, you guys
have to take Kim fishing!
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00:01:26,679 --> 00:01:30,095
Wait. Does that person
have to type everything I say?
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[man] Yes, it's
the stenographer.
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Ass! Whoa! She typed it.
[clicking]
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Ass, ass, balls!
She typed that, too!
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
[woman] Oh, for Christ's sake.
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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00:01:48,303 --> 00:01:51,053
♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, ass, ass ♪
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00:01:51,053 --> 00:01:52,804
♪ B-a-a-a-a-alls ♪
[clicking]
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She's still typing!
[man] That's enough!
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00:01:55,512 --> 00:01:57,136
And could you
read that back for us?
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[stenographer]
"Ass, ass, ass, balls."
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-[chuckling]
-"Ass, ass, ass, balls."
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♪♪♪
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00:02:02,261 --> 00:02:04,303
You like my sign?
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Okay, who built this sign?!
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♪♪♪
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00:02:09,887 --> 00:02:13,553
♪ patriotic music plays ♪
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[President Trump]
Pizzuh-hut, Soldiers!
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We're here in one of Iraq's
most Middle Eastern-y cities
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to recognize the troops
and women dressed as troops
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00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:26,762
for their tremendous service
in wars or whatever.
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Mr. President,
I want to introduce you
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to one of our bravest,
Sergeant Tully. She's --
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[golf club swings]
Shit! I friggin' whiffed!
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I wish I could be there
to shake your dehydrated hands,
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but, you know, golf.
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We understand.
You're very busy, sir.
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Hey, you got the next,
much worse thing, Mike Pence.
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00:02:43,011 --> 00:02:45,178
Shake their hands
for me, Mikey!
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00:02:45,178 --> 00:02:47,261
Pardon my use of
the Pence family glove.
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00:02:47,261 --> 00:02:49,637
Karen says, "Touching
a career woman's hand
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00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:52,095
is a backstage pass
to Hades' land."
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Don't shake her hand loud!
It'll distract my swing!
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♪♪♪
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I'm Jake Tapper.
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And a reminder
for folks at home --
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no talking during my show.
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It appears the President
would rather grip his five-iron
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than the hand of a soldier.
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00:03:08,095 --> 00:03:09,470
This behavior has been satirized
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00:03:09,470 --> 00:03:12,178
by some of America's
most skilled cartoonists,
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00:03:12,178 --> 00:03:15,387
including TV newsman
Jake Tapper.
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Let's check in
with President Chump.
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[Tapper]
President Chump was golfing,
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when he should've been
respecting our troops.
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♪ brass fanfare plays ♪
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It seems this presidency
is hitting a lot of bogies.
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[crowd disappointedly ahhs]
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And that's our show.
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Sorry we didn't get to
the Flint water crisis.
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Tapper is relentless.
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Announce my resignation
before he draws
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another President Chump!
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Everything's
gonna be fine!
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Let's just fly you to Iraq
to shake a few hands,
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hug a few flags, go pat-pat
on a tank like it's a Corgi.
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How about instead of Iraq,
I fly to -- wait for it --
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[both] Mar-a-Lago?
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Mar-a-Lago! Yes!
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A lot of the club members are
military defense contractors.
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00:04:00,261 --> 00:04:02,345
Why talk to a soldier
about war
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00:04:02,345 --> 00:04:05,595
when you can laugh with a
billionaire about war crimes?
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00:04:05,595 --> 00:04:08,387
You could simply mouth the words
"Thank you for your service,"
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00:04:08,387 --> 00:04:10,053
and I'll fill in
the voice later.
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[as Pres. Trump] "Ehhh! Thank
you for your service. Ehhh!"
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It's their job! Am I supposed to
thank this Robo-Vacuum, too?
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Without the Robo-Vacuum,
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you'd be ankle deep
in Pop-Tart crumbs.
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00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:22,011
Why don't we just invite
Bill Shine back?
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He's the king of optics.
No, no, Conway.
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00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:28,095
I got a simple no-fuss solution
to put this issue to bed.
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It's time to bring home
all the brave, sweaty troops,
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and no troops means no me
sitting on a plane for ten hours
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just to shake hands
with some guy named Kyle.
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Okay. World peace.
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Was the Defense Department
made aware?
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Chopper's too loud!
Can't hear you! Ha, ha!
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[Don Jr.]
Whatever, Louis!
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I didn't even want to go
hunting with you anyway!
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Ever since I started using
every waking moment
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00:04:50,929 --> 00:04:53,011
of my adult life
to compliment my dad,
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I have, like, no friends!
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I'm your friend!
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You're not my friend, Eric.
You're my brother and enemy.
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I'm not even getting likes
on this dank photo
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00:05:00,345 --> 00:05:03,053
of me playing patty-cake
with a jaguar carcass!
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00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,512
-Elon Musk liked it.
-Yeah, right.
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00:05:05,512 --> 00:05:10,011
Like Mr. Tesla himself,
owner of "stankmemes.com,"
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00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:12,136
would ever like
my dumb po-oh...
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my...ass.
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♪♪♪
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Joining me now to discuss
the President's
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sudden mass troop withdrawal --
self-appointed spokesman
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00:05:21,595 --> 00:05:23,470
for millions
of unwitting servicemen,
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00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:24,762
Senator Lindsey Graham.
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00:05:24,762 --> 00:05:27,095
The only way to keep
this country safe
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is to have troops in Yemen
for so long
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00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,136
that, when they come home,
their dogs forget their scent
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00:05:32,136 --> 00:05:33,595
and have to take cues
from the room
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00:05:33,595 --> 00:05:35,553
that they should be
jumping around all silly-like.
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00:05:35,553 --> 00:05:39,762
Which brings us to the latest
installment of President Chump.
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Do I have to stay?
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♪ whimsical music plays ♪
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[Tapper] The President
is withdrawing the troops.
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You can't do that at the ATM.
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00:05:48,679 --> 00:05:51,303
It's not the
American Troop Machine.
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00:05:51,303 --> 00:05:52,512
♪ sad horn plays ♪
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00:05:52,512 --> 00:05:54,095
Unfortunately,
the only currency
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the military accepts
is respect,
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00:05:56,387 --> 00:06:00,053
a phrase made famous by
soul singer Aretha Franklin.
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00:06:00,053 --> 00:06:02,470
♪ Aretha Franklin ♪
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Tapper, stop!
I'm a human being, damn it!
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00:06:05,512 --> 00:06:07,845
Sir, you can't withdraw
the entire military
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00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,970
just to avoid
awkward conversation.
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Just pretend
the troops are me
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00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:13,804
and replicate our natural,
jazz-like banter.
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00:06:13,804 --> 00:06:16,387
The closest our conversations
get to jazz
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00:06:16,387 --> 00:06:18,470
is when I threaten to beat you
with a saxophone.
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00:06:18,470 --> 00:06:20,887
The bottom line is
the perpetual war state
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00:06:20,887 --> 00:06:22,720
only allows
the commander-in-chief
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to add troops or shuffle the
more confused ones to the back.
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♪♪♪
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Bill Shine.
What are you doing here?
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00:06:31,595 --> 00:06:33,178
Kellyanne told me
you're upset.
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00:06:33,178 --> 00:06:34,720
You only called into
Fox & Friends
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for 70 minutes today?
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00:06:36,470 --> 00:06:38,095
Bill, everyone acts like
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00:06:38,095 --> 00:06:41,011
troops sacrifice more than I do
for this country.
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00:06:41,011 --> 00:06:42,845
Did you know they let
injured veterans
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00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:44,428
skip the line
at Space Mountain?
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Doesn't seem right!
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That's exactly
what I told Goofy.
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It's as if my injury
doesn't matter.
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00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:54,470
[President Trump] It was 1969,
and I was shipping out
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00:06:54,470 --> 00:06:57,011
for my fifth deferment
from Vietnam.
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00:06:57,011 --> 00:06:58,428
Nixon had been elected.
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00:06:58,428 --> 00:07:01,303
Loser John McCain
was still in a P-O-W camp
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00:07:01,303 --> 00:07:02,929
for being a total loser,
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00:07:02,929 --> 00:07:05,929
and my foot had an appointment
with the podiatrist.
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00:07:05,929 --> 00:07:09,470
America's most notorious
draft dodgers were there --
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00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,595
Dutch, an English major
from Yale...
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00:07:11,595 --> 00:07:14,470
Snake Stan from Harvard,
an English major.
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00:07:14,470 --> 00:07:16,804
And Grunt.
By God, he was only 18,
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00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,887
celebrating his last summer
before shipping off to Yale
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00:07:19,887 --> 00:07:22,804
for his double major
in literature and English.
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00:07:22,804 --> 00:07:26,136
Give it to me straight, Doc,
exactly how my dad told you to.
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You have bone spurs.
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00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:29,970
♪ My foot hurts ♪
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00:07:29,970 --> 00:07:32,470
-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ My foot hurts ♪
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00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:34,720
I left my innocence
on the carpet
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00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,679
of that
podiatrist's office.
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00:07:36,679 --> 00:07:38,428
We all did.
It's disgraceful
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00:07:38,428 --> 00:07:41,095
how America treats its
draft-dodging scions!
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00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:42,512
I'll handle this.
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00:07:42,512 --> 00:07:44,428
You just focus on
being the first president
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00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:47,303
to say "dongasorus"
on Yom Kippur.
197
00:07:47,303 --> 00:07:49,553
[Don Jr.] Did you know
Elon Musk went bald
198
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:52,595
and genius-scienced
an entire new head of hair?
199
00:07:52,595 --> 00:07:54,136
Just like Dad!
200
00:07:54,136 --> 00:07:56,011
Dad's hair
is real, idiot!
201
00:07:56,011 --> 00:07:57,637
[line ringing]
202
00:07:57,637 --> 00:07:58,887
[cellphone rings]
203
00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:01,095
[coughing]
204
00:08:01,095 --> 00:08:03,845
Any moment now, I will be high.
205
00:08:03,845 --> 00:08:06,929
Hello? This is Elon Musk.
You're living in a simulation.
206
00:08:06,929 --> 00:08:10,845
Hey! This is Don Junior Trump.
You know, from the news?
207
00:08:10,845 --> 00:08:14,595
Ohh. Don Junior Trump.
How did you get my number?
208
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,387
You tweeted that you paid
five million bucks
209
00:08:16,387 --> 00:08:18,345
for the number 420-6-9.
210
00:08:18,345 --> 00:08:19,679
Oh, lé cool.
211
00:08:19,679 --> 00:08:23,136
So you're the Trump kid
with the jaguar carcass?
212
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,679
Yeah! You should come by
and shoot it some more!
213
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:28,637
And maybe hang out?
Is that awkward?
214
00:08:28,637 --> 00:08:31,261
-Desperate, much?!
-I'm nervous!
215
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,387
No, no, it's not
awkward turtle.
216
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:35,470
I'm pretty busy innovating
right now.
217
00:08:35,470 --> 00:08:36,804
[notification chimes]
Uh...
218
00:08:36,804 --> 00:08:39,553
But I could come by
in, like, 18.4 minutes.
219
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,553
♪♪♪
220
00:08:41,553 --> 00:08:43,762
[Shine] Look at these
brave soldiers.
221
00:08:43,762 --> 00:08:46,220
This is how we're gonna
fix your handshake problem.
222
00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:49,845
For decades, rumors spread that
this flag planting was staged,
223
00:08:49,845 --> 00:08:53,095
a bigger sham than Glenn Beck
becoming a scarf guy!
224
00:08:53,095 --> 00:08:54,512
But validity
doesn't matter
225
00:08:54,512 --> 00:08:57,053
if the story is prime
for marbleizing.
226
00:08:57,053 --> 00:08:58,720
Don't shake it.
Fake it!
227
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:02,512
Shine, last time I participated
in a misinformation campaign,
228
00:09:02,512 --> 00:09:05,637
I became president of
the United States. Barf.
229
00:09:05,637 --> 00:09:07,553
Fair enough. I guess
you could sacrifice
230
00:09:07,553 --> 00:09:09,929
one weekend
and fly to Iraq...
231
00:09:09,929 --> 00:09:14,470
♪♪♪
232
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:16,470
Describe when you feel
the pain in your feet.
233
00:09:16,470 --> 00:09:18,428
Every time I almost
serve in the military,
234
00:09:18,428 --> 00:09:21,428
it stings pretty bad.
235
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,387
I've already made one sacrifice
for this country, Bill,
236
00:09:24,387 --> 00:09:26,053
and I'm not about to
make another.
237
00:09:26,053 --> 00:09:28,053
Then, Mr. President,
let's fake
238
00:09:28,053 --> 00:09:31,261
you shaking
a soldier's hand.
239
00:09:31,261 --> 00:09:32,595
What the hell was that?
240
00:09:32,595 --> 00:09:34,095
A fake-out, sir.
241
00:09:34,095 --> 00:09:35,303
Oh, I get it.
242
00:09:35,303 --> 00:09:37,428
Do that again,
and I'll fucking kill ya.
243
00:09:37,428 --> 00:09:40,178
♪♪♪
244
00:09:40,178 --> 00:09:41,720
[President Trump]
So, what's the best way
245
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,220
to fake this troop handshake?
246
00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:45,261
I-I'm new to this
whole lying thing.
247
00:09:45,261 --> 00:09:46,595
[uproarious laughter]
248
00:09:46,595 --> 00:09:48,553
Okay, okay.
249
00:09:48,553 --> 00:09:49,929
[laughter continues]
I said okay!
250
00:09:49,929 --> 00:09:52,387
This country has
a rich history of fakery,
251
00:09:52,387 --> 00:09:55,428
like pretending we care about
human rights in South America
252
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,220
and not just
their tasty bananas.
253
00:09:57,220 --> 00:09:59,595
If you need any fake
Iraqi backdrops painted,
254
00:09:59,595 --> 00:10:02,887
it's watercolor week at
Karen's heterosexual art class.
255
00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,136
I can take every textbook
256
00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:06,136
and paste a bit about
you visiting Iraq
257
00:10:06,136 --> 00:10:09,053
over the ten-word summary on
that whole Rosa Parks bus thing.
258
00:10:09,053 --> 00:10:12,553
These are the worst goddamn
pitches I've ever heard!
259
00:10:12,553 --> 00:10:14,136
And Bill O'Reilly
once pitched me
260
00:10:14,136 --> 00:10:16,303
a call-in show titled
Late Night Whack Off.
261
00:10:16,303 --> 00:10:18,261
We're just gonna film it
on a soundstage.
262
00:10:18,261 --> 00:10:21,011
Can my actress wife play
a flight attendant or something?
263
00:10:21,011 --> 00:10:23,470
-No!
-Don't blame ya. She sucks.
264
00:10:23,470 --> 00:10:25,428
Just need to be able
to tell her I tried.
265
00:10:25,428 --> 00:10:28,804
[Don Jr.] I can't believe
I'm boozing with Elon Musk.
266
00:10:28,804 --> 00:10:31,637
It's nice to hang with someone
not trying to cancel me.
267
00:10:31,637 --> 00:10:33,970
People talk about me
like I'm Dr. Evil.
268
00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:35,720
But Dr. Evil rules.
269
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,512
And Mini-Me, too!
[chuckles]
270
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,679
Shit.
Rest in peace, Mini-Me.
271
00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:41,345
I really thought I'd win
the public's love
272
00:10:41,345 --> 00:10:42,845
with my new hyperloop,
273
00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:45,679
but not even a luxury-car
portal for billionaires
274
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,011
could turn my image around.
275
00:10:47,011 --> 00:10:49,845
No matter how hard we try,
we just can't get poor
276
00:10:49,845 --> 00:10:52,178
and therefore
ugly people to like us.
277
00:10:52,178 --> 00:10:54,512
-To real friends!
-And Mini-Me!
278
00:10:54,512 --> 00:10:56,679
♪♪♪
279
00:10:56,679 --> 00:10:58,512
[President Trump] Who are we
getting to direct this
280
00:10:58,512 --> 00:10:59,929
handshake video --
Woody Allen,
281
00:10:59,929 --> 00:11:02,011
Bryan Singer,
Mario Batali?
282
00:11:02,011 --> 00:11:05,345
I'll film it. I was the
visionary behind Jesse Watters
283
00:11:05,345 --> 00:11:08,261
going down to Chinatown to mock
first-generation immigrants
284
00:11:08,261 --> 00:11:10,345
who can't quote Tommy Boy.
Cool!
285
00:11:10,345 --> 00:11:13,136
Now, I'm thinking the troops
come out to their theme song,
286
00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:15,637
which is just the word
"money" 500 times.
287
00:11:15,637 --> 00:11:17,178
Um, that's
The Apprentice.
288
00:11:17,178 --> 00:11:19,845
Okay. How 'bout this --
instead of troops,
289
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,428
we bring in tax-evading
sitcom sidekicks,
290
00:11:22,428 --> 00:11:24,053
bald country musicians,
291
00:11:24,053 --> 00:11:26,428
and a young, weeping
Piers Morgan.
292
00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:29,345
-Celebrity Apprentice!
-It worked then; it'll work now!
293
00:11:29,345 --> 00:11:32,261
I'd like to get to some
of the stars if I can,
294
00:11:32,261 --> 00:11:34,553
but, if not, maybe upload
my consciousness
295
00:11:34,553 --> 00:11:36,929
into, like, that star...
or even that one.
296
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:39,470
Elon, this has been
the best night of my life,
297
00:11:39,470 --> 00:11:41,553
and I once saw
the Cash Cab drive by.
298
00:11:41,553 --> 00:11:44,261
Hey, do you think my dad would
want one of your hyperloops?
299
00:11:44,261 --> 00:11:45,387
He'd probably prefer it.
300
00:11:45,387 --> 00:11:47,095
Air Force One's toilet
flushes scary.
301
00:11:47,095 --> 00:11:48,595
Well, here's
the great thing.
302
00:11:48,595 --> 00:11:50,679
You don't need a toilet
on the hyperloop.
303
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,553
You go so fast,
your body's only capable
304
00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,887
of discharging
orgasmic delirium.
305
00:11:54,887 --> 00:11:56,303
But how would we
pay for it?
306
00:11:56,303 --> 00:11:58,887
I've been in the red ever since
I went all-in on currency
307
00:11:58,887 --> 00:12:00,762
for a fake country
called Abo Dabbo.
308
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,762
Uh, do you think getting
funding from Congress
309
00:12:02,762 --> 00:12:05,095
would be fire
or, like, suss?
310
00:12:05,095 --> 00:12:07,762
Good luck getting it
through those vanilla dorks.
311
00:12:07,762 --> 00:12:09,804
They wouldn't even let
my dad build a wall
312
00:12:09,804 --> 00:12:11,762
between refugees
and their newborns.
313
00:12:11,762 --> 00:12:13,804
Don't worry.
I'm from Silicon Valley.
314
00:12:13,804 --> 00:12:16,762
With a smoke machine,
disorienting house music,
315
00:12:16,762 --> 00:12:19,929
and the unblinking confidence
of a YouTube pickup artist,
316
00:12:19,929 --> 00:12:22,303
anything is possible.
317
00:12:22,303 --> 00:12:25,387
That star's pretty cool.
So many cool stars.
318
00:12:25,387 --> 00:12:27,345
♪♪♪
319
00:12:27,345 --> 00:12:30,136
This reminds me of the good
ol' days at Fox News.
320
00:12:30,136 --> 00:12:33,929
I bet Roger Ailes is in heaven
right now, groping down on us.
321
00:12:33,929 --> 00:12:35,470
My brother
started Blackwater
322
00:12:35,470 --> 00:12:37,595
and gave me some tips
to get into character --
323
00:12:37,595 --> 00:12:39,553
back straight, chin up,
shoot a few civilians.
324
00:12:39,553 --> 00:12:41,720
[Mnuchin] Oh, that's a good
idea. We should do that.
325
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,303
I'm late. Whatever.
326
00:12:43,303 --> 00:12:44,512
Go over there and shake
327
00:12:44,512 --> 00:12:46,720
Lieutenant Mnuchin's hand,
please. We're rolling.
328
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,970
Well, wait a second.
I have to shake a hand?
329
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:50,428
-Jesus fucking hell!
-Ugh!
330
00:12:50,428 --> 00:12:52,845
Fine, fine!
Shut up!
331
00:12:52,845 --> 00:12:54,679
And...action!
332
00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:57,804
Wow! Troops!
We love the troops!
333
00:12:57,804 --> 00:13:00,637
Oh, no! Enemy attack!
I'm so brave!
334
00:13:00,637 --> 00:13:02,762
No other president
has ever done this!
335
00:13:02,762 --> 00:13:04,595
I must really love
our troops!
336
00:13:04,595 --> 00:13:06,220
[sighs]
We'll fix it in post.
337
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:09,762
No other president
has ever done this!
338
00:13:09,762 --> 00:13:11,804
I must really love
our troops!
339
00:13:11,804 --> 00:13:14,595
Okay. I'm going
to re-defeat ISIS!
340
00:13:14,595 --> 00:13:15,970
[President Trump grunting]
341
00:13:15,970 --> 00:13:18,637
[wham! boing! pop! squeak!]
342
00:13:18,637 --> 00:13:20,470
[President Trump grunting]
343
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:22,261
[President Trump]
Ahh! That's right, ISIS!
344
00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:23,470
[boxing bell dings]
345
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,053
Alright, that's all set.
346
00:13:25,053 --> 00:13:27,345
This handshake
has once again proved
347
00:13:27,345 --> 00:13:30,095
our President's
undying primordial love
348
00:13:30,095 --> 00:13:31,387
for this country!
349
00:13:31,387 --> 00:13:35,512
Folks, we're having a parade
for him across the entire nation
350
00:13:35,512 --> 00:13:37,303
right now led by me!
351
00:13:37,303 --> 00:13:39,762
Let's go!
[imitates parade march]
352
00:13:39,762 --> 00:13:43,178
Looks like President Chump
has become President Champ.
353
00:13:43,178 --> 00:13:44,595
[boxing bell dings]
But instead of
354
00:13:44,595 --> 00:13:48,136
climbing the steps of
the Philadelphia Museum of Art,
355
00:13:48,136 --> 00:13:51,970
like Rocky did, he's climbing
the ranks of best Presidents.
356
00:13:51,970 --> 00:13:54,261
♪ Yeah, hey ♪
357
00:13:54,261 --> 00:13:56,679
[Don Jr.]
Cory Booker's up there?
358
00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:00,178
That guy's cool as ass!
He wears jeans on the weekends.
359
00:14:00,178 --> 00:14:02,512
Just remember --
be as cold and inhuman
360
00:14:02,512 --> 00:14:04,178
as the technology
you're selling.
361
00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:06,679
Thanks.
362
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,595
Oh, and, Elon?
363
00:14:08,595 --> 00:14:09,720
Yeah?
364
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:10,929
Thanks.
365
00:14:10,929 --> 00:14:13,887
♪♪♪
366
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:16,720
I'm here to revolutionize
the world
367
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,845
by installing mass transit
for the rest of us.
368
00:14:19,845 --> 00:14:22,053
People who flip out
if the flight attendant
369
00:14:22,053 --> 00:14:25,303
asks us to alter our behavior
in literally any way.
370
00:14:25,303 --> 00:14:27,387
As a resident of
Silicon Valley...
371
00:14:27,387 --> 00:14:28,887
-[senator 1] Ooh!
-[senator 2] He lives there.
372
00:14:28,887 --> 00:14:31,720
...I know what it takes
to build this hyperloop
373
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,720
fast, cheap,
and with technology.
374
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,345
I've been told technology
is the future of tech!
375
00:14:37,345 --> 00:14:39,303
Here's a normal train
going very slow as ass.
376
00:14:39,303 --> 00:14:40,887
-[senator] Boo!
-[Booker] Boresville!
377
00:14:40,887 --> 00:14:42,553
[Schumer]
Where's the technology?
378
00:14:42,553 --> 00:14:45,345
But here is my hyperloop,
going so fast!
379
00:14:45,345 --> 00:14:46,428
Look at it go!
380
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,387
It's faster than
the slow one!
381
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,762
Hey, Schumer, what's
the most annoying thing
382
00:14:50,762 --> 00:14:51,970
about mass transit?
383
00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:54,095
When loud groups
of unruly teenagers
384
00:14:54,095 --> 00:14:55,720
mock my sensible shoes.
385
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,470
We're on our feet
all day!
386
00:14:57,470 --> 00:15:00,470
My hyperloop takes the mass
out of mass transit.
387
00:15:00,470 --> 00:15:02,720
It's just you and your car
underground.
388
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,970
[senator]
So it's a car tunnel?
389
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,512
Turn up the fog.
390
00:15:06,512 --> 00:15:09,011
[senators] Ooh!
Great fog tech!
391
00:15:09,011 --> 00:15:11,428
For a hyperloop from --
and I'm thinking randomly --
392
00:15:11,428 --> 00:15:13,345
Washington, D.C.,
to Mar-a-Lago,
393
00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:16,220
all I'm asking for
is $40 million.
394
00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:17,762
Make it a billion,
and you have a deal!
395
00:15:17,762 --> 00:15:20,261
[applause]
396
00:15:20,261 --> 00:15:23,929
[all chanting]
Speech! Speech! Speech!
397
00:15:23,929 --> 00:15:26,720
Bill, we did it.
We made it look like I did it.
398
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,804
How are you this good
at optics?
399
00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:31,637
Let's just say...
I'm seeing 20/20!
400
00:15:31,637 --> 00:15:32,887
[laughter]
Oh, no.
401
00:15:32,887 --> 00:15:36,011
Shut the hell up
until I get it!
402
00:15:36,011 --> 00:15:38,011
[feedback whines]
Hey, everyone.
403
00:15:38,011 --> 00:15:41,261
My wife bought me
a Sony Mini-DCR HC26
404
00:15:41,261 --> 00:15:44,303
a couple Christmases ago,
so I caught some fun bloopers.
405
00:15:44,303 --> 00:15:46,095
Enjoy.
406
00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:48,303
Uh-oh.
Here we go.
407
00:15:48,303 --> 00:15:49,929
[beep]
408
00:15:49,929 --> 00:15:51,470
Thank you
for your shervish.
409
00:15:51,470 --> 00:15:52,679
-Shervish?!
-Wait, wait.
410
00:15:52,679 --> 00:15:54,303
[laughter]
411
00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:55,845
[beep]
He said what?!
412
00:15:55,845 --> 00:15:57,804
Thank you
for your service.
413
00:15:57,804 --> 00:15:59,053
[Conway] Oh, my God!
414
00:15:59,053 --> 00:16:01,136
[Shine] Oh, my God!
Call an ambulance!
415
00:16:01,136 --> 00:16:03,011
[beep]
Oh, no.
416
00:16:03,011 --> 00:16:05,095
Where is Mnuchin,
anyway?
417
00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:07,053
God. I don't even know
why I'm doing this.
418
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:09,637
I genuinely hate the troops.
[laughter]
419
00:16:09,637 --> 00:16:11,178
You shouldn't laugh at that!
420
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:13,345
Honestly, it should
turn your blood cold.
421
00:16:13,345 --> 00:16:17,178
Because I am serious.
I absolutely hate the troops!
422
00:16:18,887 --> 00:16:20,261
[Pompeo]
Pompeo Productions.
423
00:16:20,261 --> 00:16:21,345
[gunfire]
424
00:16:21,345 --> 00:16:22,387
[applause]
425
00:16:22,387 --> 00:16:24,512
Wow. I'm glad
you guys like it.
426
00:16:24,512 --> 00:16:26,720
I was nervous when
I posted it on YouTube.
427
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,345
[glass shatters]
428
00:16:29,345 --> 00:16:33,136
I can feel everyone's mad at me,
but, again, I don't know why.
429
00:16:33,136 --> 00:16:34,512
[feedback whines]
430
00:16:34,512 --> 00:16:38,428
♪♪♪
431
00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,428
I'm Wolf Blitzer,
and every morning
432
00:16:40,428 --> 00:16:43,512
I wake up in a suit,
unsure how it got on my body.
433
00:16:43,512 --> 00:16:44,845
According to a blooper reel
434
00:16:44,845 --> 00:16:48,220
posted by YouTube user
"CoolSecretAgent63,"
435
00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:51,553
the footage of Trump shaking
the hand of troops was staged.
436
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,929
Joining me now, a man
whose brain makes him stutter
437
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,679
out of sheer self-preservation,
Rudy Giuliani.
438
00:16:56,679 --> 00:16:59,053
Is it true the troops
are so insulted
439
00:16:59,053 --> 00:17:01,053
that they no longer
want the president to visit?
440
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:02,595
Now, let me stop you
right there, Shep.
441
00:17:02,595 --> 00:17:05,553
Clearly, Donald Trump didn't
shake the hand of a real soldier
442
00:17:05,553 --> 00:17:08,220
because he's too lazy
to fly to the Middle East.
443
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:11,011
Uh-oh! Maybe if I say
the same thing backwards,
444
00:17:11,011 --> 00:17:12,720
it's like clicking "undo."
445
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:13,970
[making rewind noises]
446
00:17:13,970 --> 00:17:16,178
-I'm so sorry, sir.
-Sorry?
447
00:17:16,178 --> 00:17:18,053
The troops found out
the video's fake,
448
00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:20,720
and now they hate me so much
they don't want me to visit?
449
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,136
Shine, you did it!
Whoo!
450
00:17:24,136 --> 00:17:27,303
So, if we convert my dad's bed
into the elevator,
451
00:17:27,303 --> 00:17:29,887
he could ride his mattress
all the way to Mar-a-Lago!
452
00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:31,595
[sighs]
Where's the power source?
453
00:17:31,595 --> 00:17:33,887
Ugh! All this thinking
has sobered me up.
454
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,095
Want to go to Bringo's?
455
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:36,845
It's eleven-dollar
Coors' night!
456
00:17:36,845 --> 00:17:39,053
Uh, how 'bout you go
and I'll meet you there?
457
00:17:39,053 --> 00:17:41,345
Sometimes a genius needs
to work alone, you know?
458
00:17:41,345 --> 00:17:43,303
What's the point
of being a genius
459
00:17:43,303 --> 00:17:45,595
if you don't have
a best friend to share it with?
460
00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:48,220
What's Albert
without Einstein?
461
00:17:48,220 --> 00:17:51,845
Yeah, man, go for it.
Whatever you need. I'm good.
462
00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:53,387
[President Trump]
I'm heading to Mar-a-Lago
463
00:17:53,387 --> 00:17:54,845
for some well-earned
me time.
464
00:17:54,845 --> 00:17:57,929
If Melania asks where I am --
Oh, who am I kidding?
465
00:17:57,929 --> 00:17:59,720
Hey, where's
the salute-y guy?
466
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,845
You mean the Marine?
467
00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:03,303
He went AWOL when he saw
that blooper reel.
468
00:18:03,303 --> 00:18:05,929
Well, one more arm lift
I don't have to do today.
469
00:18:05,929 --> 00:18:07,929
Also, your pilots
went AWOL, too.
470
00:18:07,929 --> 00:18:10,261
Some people just don't have
the personal fortitude
471
00:18:10,261 --> 00:18:12,011
to work for people
they hate.
472
00:18:12,011 --> 00:18:14,512
So, you're saying
I have to...
473
00:18:14,512 --> 00:18:16,303
[gasps] walk?
474
00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,303
♪ My foot hurts ♪
475
00:18:18,303 --> 00:18:20,470
I'd rather ride
in a shitty hatchback
476
00:18:20,470 --> 00:18:21,970
with Satan himself!
477
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,220
Did someone
say hatchback?
478
00:18:24,220 --> 00:18:27,095
All aboard
the S.S. S.S.!
479
00:18:27,095 --> 00:18:28,345
♪♪♪
480
00:18:28,345 --> 00:18:32,303
Ugh! Elon is six hours late.
My Coors is piping-hot now!
481
00:18:32,303 --> 00:18:35,470
Merging technology
and government
482
00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:37,845
is an important step
Congress must take.
483
00:18:37,845 --> 00:18:40,095
Today,
Elon Musk's hyperloop.
484
00:18:40,095 --> 00:18:42,345
Tomorrow, functional
voting machines
485
00:18:42,345 --> 00:18:44,095
that don't collapse
when you close the curtain.
486
00:18:44,095 --> 00:18:46,845
This hyperloop
will have serious BDE,
487
00:18:46,845 --> 00:18:49,470
which, of course,
stands for Big Dick Energy.
488
00:18:49,470 --> 00:18:51,970
Yeah. Uh-oh. I said it.
Can you turn this off?
489
00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:53,679
The hyperloop is gonna
break the Internet.
490
00:18:53,679 --> 00:18:54,929
What does the fox say?
491
00:18:54,929 --> 00:18:56,512
He says, "Anyone
who doubts the hyperloop
492
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:58,011
can cash me outside,
how 'bout dah!"
493
00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,512
Can you turn
this off, please?
494
00:18:59,512 --> 00:19:01,762
Hey...What? Just wanted
to take another look
495
00:19:01,762 --> 00:19:03,553
at this hyperloop.
[sobbing] Turn it off, please!
496
00:19:03,553 --> 00:19:07,178
Let me tell you guys, the
hyperloop will be lit A-F.
497
00:19:07,178 --> 00:19:09,387
Hyperloop, Felicia!
Please turn it off!
498
00:19:09,387 --> 00:19:13,387
I've always dreamed we'd drive
south together, doing 90,
499
00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:16,595
tailgating some Hispanic family
road-tripping to Disney.
500
00:19:16,595 --> 00:19:18,720
Can't we just
put on the radio?
501
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,303
How about the one CD
that's stuck in there?
502
00:19:21,303 --> 00:19:25,011
[Mussorgsky's
"Night on Bald Mountain" plays]
503
00:19:25,011 --> 00:19:27,178
Ah-ah. Don't touch the knob.
It only gets louder.
504
00:19:27,178 --> 00:19:29,178
You have any snacks
or anything?
505
00:19:29,178 --> 00:19:32,345
Doritos Nacho Blasters?
Cheetos Nacho Blast 'Ems?
506
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:35,303
Something even better
than junk food -- Soylent!
507
00:19:35,303 --> 00:19:38,512
All your daily vitamins
in one thick lurid cream.
508
00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:40,553
How much longer
is this gonna be?
509
00:19:40,553 --> 00:19:43,470
This car is sort of the opposite
of that bus from Speed --
510
00:19:43,470 --> 00:19:46,553
once you get over 60,
it immediately blows up.
511
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,095
And that's how I found out
that I'm susceptible to cults
512
00:19:49,095 --> 00:19:50,929
but immune
to cyanide capsules.
513
00:19:50,929 --> 00:19:52,387
Oh, look, we're here.
Let me out!
514
00:19:52,387 --> 00:19:54,095
Hold on. You have to open
all the doors at once,
515
00:19:54,095 --> 00:19:55,387
or it doesn't work.
516
00:19:55,387 --> 00:19:58,261
Mar-a-Lago.
The one place in the world
517
00:19:58,261 --> 00:20:01,178
where I'm welcomed with open,
gold watch-covered arms.
518
00:20:01,178 --> 00:20:03,887
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
519
00:20:03,887 --> 00:20:08,220
Oh, no! Every board member
is a defense contractor!
520
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:11,970
Forget the troops!
I pissed off Lockheed Martin!
521
00:20:11,970 --> 00:20:13,804
Lockheed...
522
00:20:13,804 --> 00:20:18,095
M-a-a-a-artin!
523
00:20:18,095 --> 00:20:20,512
["Night on Bald Mountain"
plays]
524
00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:22,136
Don't feel bad about
getting kicked out
525
00:20:22,136 --> 00:20:23,553
of your own
country club, sir.
526
00:20:23,553 --> 00:20:26,261
I've been kicked out of
three Red Robins this week
527
00:20:26,261 --> 00:20:27,595
just for scent alone.
528
00:20:27,595 --> 00:20:29,345
Why is it so hot?
529
00:20:29,345 --> 00:20:31,637
I can't turn on the AC
without awakening
530
00:20:31,637 --> 00:20:34,595
a nasty colony of hornets
currently breeding in there.
531
00:20:34,595 --> 00:20:37,845
[weakly]
Just. Take me. Back.
532
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,261
-Boo! Boo!
-Troop hater!
533
00:20:39,261 --> 00:20:41,261
[man] Respect the troops!
534
00:20:41,261 --> 00:20:42,553
I hate the people,
535
00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:45,261
but the people aren't
supposed to hate me.
536
00:20:45,261 --> 00:20:47,762
I had military-grade
wipers installed
537
00:20:47,762 --> 00:20:49,345
just for
these situations.
538
00:20:49,345 --> 00:20:51,929
Comes in handy literally
every moment of my life.
539
00:20:51,929 --> 00:20:53,887
-This button?
-No! That's the AC!
540
00:20:53,887 --> 00:20:55,220
[hornets buzzing]
541
00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,011
Arm yourself!
It's the queen!
542
00:20:57,011 --> 00:20:59,261
[Don Jr.] Thanks for
coming, Jeff Bezos.
543
00:20:59,261 --> 00:21:01,762
I prefer my billionaires
without a full head
544
00:21:01,762 --> 00:21:03,387
of luscious
high-tech hair.
545
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,303
I'm glad you called and that
your father put aside our feud
546
00:21:06,303 --> 00:21:08,512
to learn how Amazon
is revolutionizing
547
00:21:08,512 --> 00:21:10,887
the way our economy
hollows out the middle class.
548
00:21:10,887 --> 00:21:13,220
Sure. Hey, you know
what would be fun?
549
00:21:13,220 --> 00:21:15,637
Doing an Instagram video
just for fun.
550
00:21:15,637 --> 00:21:18,553
Hey, Elo-- Er, shit.
Hey, everybody!
551
00:21:18,553 --> 00:21:21,470
I'm here with my best
billionaire buddy, Jay-zos.
552
00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:24,095
Is Amazon kicking around
any cool innovations?
553
00:21:24,095 --> 00:21:26,428
A flying skateboard?
Really funny glasses?
554
00:21:26,428 --> 00:21:28,136
We're adding
low-cost housing
555
00:21:28,136 --> 00:21:29,845
to our intercontinental
cargo ships
556
00:21:29,845 --> 00:21:31,804
so Amazon Fulfillment Families
can sort
557
00:21:31,804 --> 00:21:33,970
recurring toiletry orders
from the comfort
558
00:21:33,970 --> 00:21:35,595
of their own
intermodal containers.
559
00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:37,637
Uck! Why did I think
you'd be cool?!
560
00:21:37,637 --> 00:21:40,804
Your claim to fame is delivering
a single tube of toothpaste
561
00:21:40,804 --> 00:21:42,011
in nine pounds
of cardboard.
562
00:21:42,011 --> 00:21:43,512
Talk about
an understatement.
563
00:21:43,512 --> 00:21:45,970
I won't talk about that
actually!
564
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:48,637
[President Trump]
Those guys had it made.
565
00:21:48,637 --> 00:21:51,387
A beach covered in blood
and guts is still a beach.
566
00:21:51,387 --> 00:21:54,428
There's still time to save
yourself, Mr. President!
567
00:21:54,428 --> 00:21:57,637
Senator Lindsey Graham?
What are you doing here?
568
00:21:57,637 --> 00:21:59,845
I'm always
right behind you,
569
00:21:59,845 --> 00:22:03,178
just in case you need something
like a bottle of water,
570
00:22:03,178 --> 00:22:05,512
a folksy saying
with racist undertones,
571
00:22:05,512 --> 00:22:07,762
or if you're ever having
trouble with the troops...
572
00:22:07,762 --> 00:22:09,512
The last one!
Just go meet 'em.
573
00:22:09,512 --> 00:22:12,553
It's not a sacrifice for you.
It's a sacrifice for them.
574
00:22:12,553 --> 00:22:14,220
They're the ones
who gotta climb
575
00:22:14,220 --> 00:22:16,178
out of their bunks at 2 a.m.
for a photo op
576
00:22:16,178 --> 00:22:18,345
even though on the ballot
they wrote in "Ron Paul."
577
00:22:18,345 --> 00:22:21,261
But I specifically said
I wouldn't go.
578
00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:23,720
How can I betray
my principles?
579
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,387
I used to say Donald Trump
was evil human garbage,
580
00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:30,387
but then my best friend
who didn't like me died,
581
00:22:30,387 --> 00:22:33,095
and I needed a new best friend
who didn't like me,
582
00:22:33,095 --> 00:22:34,428
and that's you.
583
00:22:34,428 --> 00:22:35,804
♪♪♪
584
00:22:35,804 --> 00:22:37,553
[Awesome Chris]
Hey, this is Awesome Chris,
585
00:22:37,553 --> 00:22:39,428
and I'm gonna pour
40 ounces of Patrón
586
00:22:39,428 --> 00:22:41,553
into this helium balloon
and swallow it.
587
00:22:41,553 --> 00:22:43,679
I wonder if Awesome Chris
would be my friend.
588
00:22:43,679 --> 00:22:45,595
-Hey.
-What are you doing here?
589
00:22:45,595 --> 00:22:47,679
Shouldn't you be
with Cory Booker
590
00:22:47,679 --> 00:22:49,220
and his cool
weekend jeans?
591
00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:52,136
Eh. Seeing you with another
pursed lipped billionaire
592
00:22:52,136 --> 00:22:53,887
made me miss our laughs.
593
00:22:55,387 --> 00:22:57,887
Remember when we yelled
at that waitress for being old,
594
00:22:57,887 --> 00:22:59,553
and she heard us
and frowned?
595
00:22:59,553 --> 00:23:01,720
[chuckles]
I never meant to use you.
596
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,762
I just saw an opportunity
to leverage our friendship
597
00:23:03,762 --> 00:23:06,261
for financial and political
gain, and I took it.
598
00:23:06,261 --> 00:23:08,261
You should've
just told me that!
599
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:10,595
I heard your father
needs to get to Iraq.
600
00:23:10,595 --> 00:23:12,845
I could sure use some help
building a hyperloop.
601
00:23:12,845 --> 00:23:15,345
But Iraq is a hundreds
of miles away.
602
00:23:15,345 --> 00:23:18,428
Once you get into the ground,
every point is equidistant.
603
00:23:18,428 --> 00:23:21,845
Equi-what?!
You are a genius!
604
00:23:21,845 --> 00:23:23,929
[announcer] Tesla Motors.
605
00:23:23,929 --> 00:23:25,512
♪♪♪
606
00:23:25,512 --> 00:23:29,220
The future is affluent.
607
00:23:29,220 --> 00:23:32,637
♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪
608
00:23:32,637 --> 00:23:34,845
♪ It's solar power
for the elite ♪
609
00:23:34,845 --> 00:23:36,595
♪ Solar power for the elite ♪
610
00:23:36,595 --> 00:23:40,053
♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪
611
00:23:40,053 --> 00:23:43,595
♪ Electric cars
for the one percent ♪
612
00:23:43,595 --> 00:23:47,261
♪ Millionaires fighting
climate change in style ♪
613
00:23:47,261 --> 00:23:48,637
♪ In a car made by that guy ♪
614
00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:51,178
♪ Who called that Thai diver
a pedophile ♪
615
00:23:51,178 --> 00:23:52,970
♪ Pedophile, pedophile ♪
616
00:23:52,970 --> 00:23:54,845
♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪
617
00:23:54,845 --> 00:23:58,053
♪ Electric cars for the elite ♪
618
00:23:58,053 --> 00:23:59,470
Friends, family,
619
00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:01,595
the millions of people
who wanted to be here
620
00:24:01,595 --> 00:24:03,804
but had to pick up a friend
from the airport,
621
00:24:03,804 --> 00:24:05,970
today, I head to the Middle East
622
00:24:05,970 --> 00:24:09,136
to shake the hand
of a United States soldier.
623
00:24:09,136 --> 00:24:10,470
When will I return?
624
00:24:10,470 --> 00:24:12,512
No one knows,
but probably later tonight.
625
00:24:12,512 --> 00:24:14,345
Lindsey,
if I don't make it back,
626
00:24:14,345 --> 00:24:15,804
I give you permission
to become
627
00:24:15,804 --> 00:24:18,178
an engorged leech
upon Mitt Romney.
628
00:24:18,178 --> 00:24:21,470
Thank you, Mr. President.
Give that hand hell!
629
00:24:22,762 --> 00:24:24,470
Oh, shit, no pilot.
630
00:24:24,470 --> 00:24:27,136
The military still hates me
for hating them!
631
00:24:27,136 --> 00:24:28,387
Handshake is canceled.
632
00:24:28,387 --> 00:24:30,512
Should we just blow up
America and start over?
633
00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:34,178
Dad! Wait!
I made a friend.
634
00:24:34,178 --> 00:24:36,011
Don, this isn't
a time for jokes.
635
00:24:36,011 --> 00:24:38,845
I'm serious! He has this tube,
and you get in,
636
00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:40,470
and it's a car,
and then you --
637
00:24:40,470 --> 00:24:41,845
He can explain it
better than me,
638
00:24:41,845 --> 00:24:45,053
but you go right to Iraq in,
like, ten minutes or something.
639
00:24:45,053 --> 00:24:49,845
♪♪♪
640
00:24:49,845 --> 00:24:53,178
Don't worry, Mr. President.
We worked out all the kinks.
641
00:24:53,178 --> 00:24:54,345
Who's "we"?
642
00:24:54,345 --> 00:24:56,220
Oh, me and your son
Don Jr.
643
00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:57,804
Oh, this will not work.
644
00:24:57,804 --> 00:25:01,053
Relax. I know what I'm doing.
I'm from Silicon Vall--
645
00:25:01,053 --> 00:25:03,637
[explosion]
646
00:25:04,762 --> 00:25:07,512
[weakly] Wh-Wha--
What happened?
647
00:25:07,512 --> 00:25:09,720
You blew up, Dad!
It was awesome!
648
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:10,845
And Elon Musk?
649
00:25:10,845 --> 00:25:12,470
He died doing
what he loved --
650
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:15,762
spending lots of money to
explode a thing nobody wanted.
651
00:25:15,762 --> 00:25:18,970
And he'll get to die again,
someday.
652
00:25:18,970 --> 00:25:20,720
Elon! You're back!
653
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,345
Well, I downloaded my
personality from the cloud
654
00:25:23,345 --> 00:25:25,261
into a genetically
altered corpse.
655
00:25:25,261 --> 00:25:28,679
I won't give any more details
because they're a tad immoral.
656
00:25:28,679 --> 00:25:32,178
Dad, you got wounded while
trying to visit a combat zone!
657
00:25:32,178 --> 00:25:33,845
You're a hero!
658
00:25:33,845 --> 00:25:37,387
♪♪♪
659
00:25:37,387 --> 00:25:40,804
And so I stand here in...
660
00:25:40,804 --> 00:25:43,303
Doggy Bag, Iraq...
661
00:25:43,303 --> 00:25:45,887
to shake the hand
of the brave citizen
662
00:25:45,887 --> 00:25:50,178
who injured himself on his way
to the line of duty -- me.
663
00:25:51,845 --> 00:25:54,261
I encourage the men who serve
664
00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:57,553
and women who abandoned
their gender to serve
665
00:25:57,553 --> 00:26:00,929
to take their own hand
and shake the hell out of it.
666
00:26:00,929 --> 00:26:02,679
Lord knows I'm not gonna.
667
00:26:02,679 --> 00:26:03,970
Y'all nasty!
668
00:26:03,970 --> 00:26:06,762
-Can we go back to bed?
-Ron Paul revolution!
669
00:26:06,762 --> 00:26:09,637
And that was the President
earlier today in Iraq,
670
00:26:09,637 --> 00:26:11,303
giving us the inspiration
671
00:26:11,303 --> 00:26:14,762
for another installment
of President Chump...
672
00:26:14,762 --> 00:26:17,929
who, after his injury,
could receive a Purple Heart.
673
00:26:17,929 --> 00:26:21,095
All he needs is a brain
and some courage,
674
00:26:21,095 --> 00:26:25,387
and he'll be the wizard
of Washington, D.C.
675
00:26:25,387 --> 00:26:27,762
[chuckles]
Those are always fun.
676
00:26:27,762 --> 00:26:30,178
Now on to the looming
nuclear war
677
00:26:30,178 --> 00:26:31,929
between India and Pakistan.
678
00:26:31,929 --> 00:26:33,428
['80s-style pop music plays]
679
00:26:33,428 --> 00:26:36,512
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
680
00:26:36,512 --> 00:26:40,011
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
681
00:26:40,011 --> 00:26:42,470
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
682
00:26:42,470 --> 00:26:43,804
♪ Yes, he is ♪
683
00:26:43,804 --> 00:26:47,011
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
684
00:26:47,011 --> 00:26:49,720
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
685
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,136
♪ Yes, he is ♪
686
00:26:51,136 --> 00:26:54,136
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
687
00:26:54,136 --> 00:26:59,136
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
688
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,095
♪ Donald Trump ♪
689
00:27:03,095 --> 00:27:06,470
♪ He is our president ♪
690
00:27:06,470 --> 00:27:09,970
♪ We made him president ♪
691
00:27:09,970 --> 00:27:12,303
♪ We did it ♪
692
00:27:12,303 --> 00:27:16,220
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
693
00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:19,345
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
694
00:27:19,345 --> 00:27:22,845
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
695
00:27:22,845 --> 00:27:26,387
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
696
00:27:26,387 --> 00:27:30,178
♪ Yeah ♪
697
00:27:30,178 --> 00:27:32,011
Trump!
53532
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