All language subtitles for Mr. Mom. (1983)

(ALARM BUZZES)

(GRUNTS)

Honey, wake up.

You sleep okay?

Oh, me? Oh, never better.

Like a log.
Good 'cause your
shower's ready.

(EXHALES) Oh, thanks.

(TAPPING)

Good morning.

Morning, Alex.

(YAWNING)
Morning. Hi, mommy.

Did you sleep good?

Mmm-hmm.
I'll wake Kenny.

Okay, but don't
touch his woobie.

RADIO JOCKEY: It's gonna be
a beautiful in Detroit today.

The weatherman says
we're going to have
sunny skies.

And I'll tell you what,
there's a lot of
traffic out there.

A lot of
beautiful cars though.

We want you to roll up
the window, lean back

and enjoy all the good
sounds that we're gonna
be playing for you

but, of course,
though I always play...

Alex, don't. No!

Ahhh! Damn!

Morning, baby.

(TOY CHIMING SOFT MUSIC)

Hi, sweetie.

How are you?
How did you sleep?
Hmm?

Shall we
go get daddy?

Shall we? Okay.

There we are.

Good morning.
Good morning.
Morning, campers.

How's everybody?

Hiya, Megan.
Great. Trucks.

(SIGHS) What are we...

What are
we watching here, Kenny?

Robots.
Thank you.

Thanks, Meg.
Okay.

Here's the joke
of the day.

What's green and rides
through the west?

The lone pickle.
The lone pickle.

Okay. They're on to me, hon.

We're all
on to you, honey.

(HORN HONKS)

That's them.
I got to go.

Okay, baby.
Good-bye. Thanks.

Don't change a thing.
Leave that face exactly
like that, all right?

I don't want it washed
by the time I come home
'cause it looks great.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)

Call me later!

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

Oh, man!
What's the record

for the least
amount of sleep ever?

I think
Lindbergh has it.

Yeah? Well, I think
I beat him last night.

You heard
anything, Jinx?

If I did,
wouldn't I tell you guys?

Not necessarily.
That's right.

You didn't tell Lou
until after he chipped in
for gas money.

Hey, fellas, I'm telling you
it's as simple as this.
If you can't sell cars,

you can't
pay people.

Now, come on.
Come on, relax.

I like splitting
gas money four ways.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(HORN HONKS)

(INAUDIBLE)

Hey!

Hey, Butler!

How you doing, Jeff?

Having
a good time?

I love it!
You know, I love
coming down here,

watching something
go from the drawing board

to the assembly line.
It's a treat.

Yeah, it's
thrilling for us, too.

Yeah, real thrilling.

What's the matter, boys?
You look a little depressed.

You worried
about the Lions?

They're slow starters.
Don't worry.
It's pre-season.

(CHUCKLING) Hey!
We ain't worried
about the Lions.

What we're worried
about is the lines.

Amen.

Lines?

Yeah.
Unemployment lines,

welfare lines,
food lines.

You know?
All those lines.

Lines. Lines.

Yeah.

You know, me and my wife
went to the movies
the other night.

We saw Rocky.

And I'm watching
this movie
and I'm thinking,

there's something
about this movie

that reminds me of
this situation at work,
you know?

Which Rocky was it?

One or two or three?

Uh, one, I think.
I don't know.

Who was he fighting?

Hey, did he
have a mohawk?
Like Mr. T?

I don't know.
I don't remember.

The point is,

here's a guy who's
taking a pretty
bad beating, you know.

He's up
against the ropes.
His eye's cut.

Was his manager
dead or alive?

All right,
forget Rocky.

All right,
forget I brought it up.
Get it out of your head.

The point is,

when you're down,

you're not
necessarily out.

You know? I mean...

I mean,
you gotta hang tough.

I don't know.

WOMAN ON PA: Jack Butler,
report to the staff office.

I gotta go, guys.
See you later.

Well, hang tough, baby!

(MIMICS ROCKY'S THEME SONG)
Yeah, be Rocky!

Watch his right!
Watch his left!

(ALL LAUGHING)

They're gonna knock
him out, baby.
Rocky.

You think so?
He didn't see Rocky.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

JACK: Larry!

Larry!

(SCREAMING) Are you crazy?
What did you do that for?

Why didn't you
tell me this morning
I was being canned?

I couldn't say anything
until it was official!

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, guys.
Wait!

Jinx!

You did it,
didn't you?

You fired these guys
after all they contributed.

Jack...
Ah, don't "Jack" me...

After the support...
Jack.

Oh, man.
After the devotion
they gave you.

You're fired, too.

And now,
they fire me.

I'm fired?

You son of a bitch!

(BOTH GRUNTING)
I'll kill you!

You're not fired.

Technically,
you're furloughed.

Why don't you
give me a break?

I'm telling you
there's blood
all over my slide rule.

None of it's
yours, Jinx.

Oh, come on.
Come on.

Something's gonna turn up.
You guys are
terrific engineers.

You're too damn good
not to catch on somewhere.

Where am I gonna
catch on, Jinx?

Where are we gonna
catch on? Nagasaki?

The Ruhr Valley?

You know, you're not
exactly walking out
of here empty-handed.

You got your
full severance, huh?

You got your
profit-sharing.

Here.

Guess what.

Surprise.

Full pro-rata refund
for this month's gas.

Great! There's only
one more thing
I want.

What's that?
Disability!

Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no!

Larry! Larry!
Come on! No!

Come on, Larry.
Come on.

Keep that
sense of humor, buddy.
That's critical.

Hey, jeez!

Hold it! Hold it! Larry!

Get him off!

MEN: * Plop, plop,
fizz, fizz

* Oh, what
a relief it is *

(MEN LAUGHING)

Hey, Jack.
Keep in touch.
Yeah.

I will, Larry.
You all right?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

'Cause remember
what Jinx said.

BOTH: "Keep that
sense of humor.
It's critical."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Love you, Jack.

Alex! Kenny!
Come on!
Hurry up!

That's good.

Step two!
Hup, two, three, four.

That's it.

Nice, boys.
You look real nice.

Does daddy know
he got fired, yet?

Yes, he knows but
we're not gonna mention it
to him, are we, honey?

We want daddy
to feel good,
don't we?

You hear that?
He's coming now.

Everybody
smile real big.

Hi, Dad.

Hey.

Hi. Boy,
you guys look nice.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Do you all
have dates
or something?

We heard
you got fired.

Laid off.
Just laid off, honey.

Technically
furloughed, sport.

You're not a bum,
are you, Daddy?

No, but I'm
working on it.

Do you want
my woobie?

JACK: Actually,
I kind of would like it.

But, instead,
I'll take a kiss.

Okay. Come on,
everybody.

Let's eat dinner.
All right, we're having
special dinner tonight.

What are we having?
CAROLINE:
Colonel chicken.

KENNY: Yay!
JACK: We can't afford that.

KENNY: Let's enjoy it.
It may be our last.

You know, I know
this sounds crazy,

but I actually
feel great.

I don't know why.
I don't know why
but I feel great.

I do, you know,
because I don't know.

Now I'll have the time to do
some work around the house
I've been wanting to get to.

And, you know,
we're in pretty good shape.

Yeah, we are?
Oh, wow.

Wait a minute.
What? You think I'll never
get another job again?

(CHUCKLES)
Don't worry about it.
I already put the word out.

What would you say
if I did, too?

You did too what?

(SIGHS) That I put
the word out.

I mean I have a couple
of years' experience
in advertising.

I have a college degree.

There's not reason
why I shouldn't try
to get a job myself.

Wait a minute. Excuse me.
Have I been missing something?

I mean, has your
phone been ringing
off the hook?

Well, no, Jack.

You think you're gonna
get a job before I do?

Oh, Jack.
This isn't a contest.

No, hon. This'll be good.
I think we'll make it
a contest. It'll be fun.

I'll bet you 100 to 1
you don't get a job
before I do, okay?

Jack.
Okay? Come on, doll face.
Give me a dollar.

I don't have a dollar.

Oh, you wanna bet
but you don't have
a dollar?

Hey! I don't wanna bet.
Hey! I thought
somebody said

they wanted to bet.
Why don't I get the kids?

I don't bet!
I don't take bets!
I don't believe in bets.

Well, you're betting now.
Alex! Kenny! Come here!

I hope you know
it's coming out
of my severance pay, too.

Come on, guys, hurry.
This is gonna be fun.

Guess what?
I'm making
Mommy a bet.

Daddy's betting Mommy
$100 to just her $1

that she doesn't get
a job before me.
Wow!

Kenny, hold the money.

I better hold it, Dad.
Money makes him crazy.

JACK: Good point.
It isn't healthy.

Well,
it may not be healthy
but it's fun, right?

ALEX: Dad, can we
bet, too?

Absolutely.
Come on.
Yay!

JACK: Take the money,
Caroline.

Jack, I don't
want the money.

Look, you won.
A bet's a bet.

(SIGHS)
Jack, I don't take bets
and I don't want your money.

Look, aren't you
being a little hard
on yourself, honey?

No! It's fine.

I mean, you have applied
to everything on wheels

from Toyota to Schwinn.
You're gonna get a job
any day now. Really.

(GASPS) Oh, I'm gonna
be late on my first day.

I wanna make
a very good impression.

How do I look?

(CHUCKLES)
You look great.

You're gonna make
a great impression.

Now,
do you wanna go over
that list one more time?

No! I don't want
to go over the list!

Okay, let's go over the list.

Now remember.
When Kenny starts talking
to his breakfast,

that means he's finished.
Right.
Right.

And Alex has to be
at school at 7:30.

Pick up is
1:00 sharp.
1:00.

Now, when Megan
starts rubbing
her little ears,

it means it's time
for her nap.

Now, don't let her
sleep past 11:30

'cause then she won't
go down for afternoon nap
which is at...

1 o'clock, okay.

Now, wait a minute.
Will she rub her ears
again?

No, just in
the morning.

And please don't
let her sit around in
her wet diapers, okay?

Obviously, hon.
Now, Kenny. He'll pretty
much take care of himself,

won't you, honey?
I mean, just keep him
busy, you know.

Give him
his tinker toys
or his coloring book.

See, I think Alex
will be a little helper,
won't you, honey?

Sweetie. All right.

Just relax.
You're gonna be great.

There's nothing
to this, you know.

Hon, we got it covered.
Right, guys?

Okay.

Oh! Boy, I'm gonna
miss you guys.

Look, now take it
easy on Daddy.
Remember he's a rookie.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, honey. Yes?

Mommy? It's a jungle
out there.

(SCOFFS) Very funny, Jack.

What? I don't know
where he gets this?

You know, on second thought,
I think I will
take this money.

I might need it for lunch
or something special.

Actually, a lot of men would
love to have this kind of time
to spend with their kids...

Hon, hon.
You're looking at one.

I'm telling you.
I'm a regular
Phil Donahue here.

Yes, you are.

(SIGHS) Okay.
Come here.

Go get 'em.

Oh, thanks for the loan.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

ALEX: Dad, you passed it.

JACK: Passed what?
We're right on time.

But, Dad!
You're doing it wrong.

Mommy doesn't
do it like this.

We're gonna do it
the Jack Butler method.
What is this?

This is nuts.

(HORNS HONKING)

Why are they
all honking?

Because you're
doing it wrong.

Tell me I'm doing it wrong?
I know how to do this.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hi, Jack.
I'm Annette.

Hi.

You're
doing it wrong.

See?

This is what I tell
all my new mommies.

We enter
from the south,

and we exit
from the north.

And then we do
just the reverse
when we pick up.

This way our little ones
don't have to walk

between the cars to get
to the learning facility.

Okay, move it out.

Remember.
South to drop off,
north to pick up.

(CHUCKLES) Pick them up.
Okay, that's a good system.

(HORN HONKS)

South to drop off, moron!

(HORN HONKING)

(ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING)

Actually I'm very excited
to be going back to work,

especially here with Ron.

Ron? And who
would Ron be?

Oh, Ron Richardson.

Everyone here at the
Richardson Frankel Agency

calls him
"Mr. Richardson."

Well, he asked me
to call him "Ron."

And when was that?
In what context?

In the context
of my interview at lunch.

Lunch?

Well, now,
before we go in here,

let me give you
some advice.

Keep your mouth shut
and your ears open

and you just might
learn something.

(ALL CHATTERING
SIMULTANEOUSLY)

You wanna knock it off!

(ALL QUIET DOWN)

Ron,

what is your position?

Thank you.

My father
founded this agency

on Schooner Tuna.

It's the cornerstone
of all our accounts.

So my position is,

somebody better figure out
a way to sell some tuna fish

pretty damn quick.

(MAN COUGHING)

We have people
to do that.

Sorry. Habit.

(CHUCKLES) Everybody,
please welcome
Caroline Butler.

Hi.
ALL: Hi.

Hi, Caroline.

Since you probably
the only one in the room

that got a decent
night's sleep,

maybe you could have
a fresh opinion.

Do any of these layouts,
anything make sense to you?

Uh... I'm not qualified
to judge anything, really.

It's my first day.

You ever eat tuna fish?

Well, yes.

You're qualified.

Okay, well,
let's see here.

Well, this is very good.

It's a mermaid? Original.

RON: Caroline.

"Yum yum tuna bits."
That's very funny.

Cut the crap.

(SIGHS) Right.

Look, do you want me
to be really honest
with you, Ron?

No, lie to him.

He likes it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, frankly, none of this
stuff would influence me,
all right?

(ALL JEERING)

How nasty.

Come on, Ron,
she doesn't know
her tuna fish from a Cheerio.

Damn good thing we don't
have the Cheerio account.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, when was
the last time
any of you people

were in a supermarket?

(ALL CHATTERING)
Harriet Housewife.

MAN ON PA:
Good morning, shoppers.

We have some specials
in the store this morning

we'd like to let you
know about.

Over in the
frozen foods section
we have some...

JACK: Hey, Kenny,
where are the eggs?

Over there, Daddy.

(MAN CONTINUES
ANNOUNCING INDISTINCTLY)

I have
the right of way.

Right. Sorry.

Here, we'll
settle out of court.

Oh! Weirdo!

WOMAN ON PA:
Irv, clean-up
on aisle four!

IRV ON PA:
Aisle four. Check.

Irv, clean-up
in produce!

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Got it.

(CRYING)
Kenny, did I tell you not
to touch the grapefruit.

Next.

May I have
a half-pound of ham?

Boiled, baked,
smoked, salt-cured,

sugar-cured, prosciutto,
or Westphalian?

Forget it.
Just tell you what.

Just give me
a half-pound
of salami.

Italian, kosher, hard,
pork, beef, cotto,
or what?

Uh...

WOMAN: Just get bologna,
mister.

I'll tell you what.
Just give me
a quarter-pound of cheese.

American, blue,
cream, cottage,

Gouda, Edam, Provolone,
Romano, Swiss?

You have your entire
Cheddar family.

Can you run the hams back
one more time?

(ALL PROTESTING)
Oh, come on,
make up your mind!

Stay right here, okay?
I'm coming back.

Half-pound of salami,
half-pound of Swiss,

half-pound of the ham,
two celery.

I think these
are on special.

Doesn't matter. Sorry.
Forget about it.

Let me check.

Irv, are these
Kotex maxi pads
on special?

Never mind, Irv.
Sorry. Forget it.

IRV ON PA:
Kotex, 19 cents off.

Thanks, Irv.

All right, Ken.

My baby.

Who are you?

Steven.

Mom!
Kenny!

Mom!
Ken!

Mom!
Here, eat this spaghetti.

WOMAN ON PA:
Irv, spaghetti
on aisle nine!

Kenny!
Mom!

IRV ON PA: Spaghetti,
aisle nine, check.

Kenny!

Hey, I'll trade you,
my kid for yours.

Thank you.

I don't have
any kids!

WOMAN: Could you
double bag that, please?

Did you seen
my little girl?

Yeah, she's adorable.

She's lost.

You left a child
in a shopping cart?

Irv, one lost child.

IRV: Lost child alert.

There she is!

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
There's your daddy.

She's yours,
and I'm Joan.

Hi, thanks.

Caroline told me
you'd be around.

Yeah.
Can I give you
a hand?

You can give me
both of them.

(CHUCKLES)
I don't know what
the hell I'm doing.

WOMAN ON PA:
Irv, clean-up
aisle seven!

Irv, we were never
in aisle seven.

I'm telling you.
Honest.

Not so easy,
is it?

Boy, I'll say.

Might even be
the toughest job
in the entire world.

Bends your back,
it drives you nuts,

and it makes
your boobs droop.

So, don't be ashamed
about asking for help.

Mommy training can be
very, very tricky,

and I can help with sitters,
and shopping, and menus,

and even if you
just want to talk.

Here's my number.

All right, thank you.

I'm sorry.
What's it say
underneath here?

"Anytime."

JACK: Okay.

(TIRES SQUEALING)
Kenny!
What are you doing?

(LAUGHS)

(SINGSONG)
He's married.

(SINGSONG)
So were we once.

(DOG BARKING)

JACK, KENNY AND ALEX:
* Oh, Susannah

* Oh, don't you
cry for me

* I've come
from Alabama

* With my banjo
on my knee

Where is everybody?

Up here.

* Oh, Susannah

* Oh, don't you
cry for me *

Hi, everybody.
Mommy's home.

Hi, Mommy.
Hi, Mommy.

How was your day?

Oh, it was, uh...

It was terrible.

(SIGHS) I mean, I wasn't there
five minutes and I was thrown
into this meeting

with people yelling
and screaming
at each other.

And then they were
screaming at me.

And there's a secretary
that hates me
for no reason.

Want me to go down and kick
a little ass, honey?

Yeah, Dad!
Yeah, Dad!

The only one that was
even civil to me was Ron.

Ron?

Yeah, you know,
Mr. Richardson?

I mean, he actually
asked for my opinion.

And when I told him
honestly how I felt
about something,

Ron liked what
I had to say.
He did.

Ron and his group
are flying to
the plant tomorrow.

And they're gonna tour it
and I was invited to go.

Is that an unbelievable
first day on the job,
or what?

I can't believe it.
How about you guys?

I can't believe it.

ALEX: I can't believe it.

We can't
believe it here, hon.
None of us can.

We're stunned.

CAROLINE: Honey,
I can't believe this.

Oh, well, I didn't want
his feet to get wet.

ALEX: Somebody
must've died.

Why?
There's a limousine
out front.

Oh.

Hey, you didn't say
anything about
a limousine last night.

Oh, Ron said
he was sending a car,

but he didn't say
anything about a limo.

Well, tell him
I'll be right down.

Ron?

Oh, Ron.

Hey, Ron.
Maybe...

Whoa.

(WHISPERS) Damn it.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Well, hello down there.

Why don't you run
and tell your mommy

that Mr. Richardson
is here?

Stay right here.

I'm not supposed to let
strangers in the house.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHIRRING LOUDLY)

(LOUDLY) How you doing?

You must
be Ron Richardson.

I'm Jack Butler.
Nice to meet you.

(LOUDLY) Pleased
to meet you.

Huh?

I say,
I'm pleased...

(WHIRRING STOPS)
...to meet you.

I'm just waiting
for Caroline.

Well, Ron,
you know women.

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I'd like
to think I do.

You want a beer?

It's 7:00 in the morning.

Scotch?

Not during
working hours.

Oh, I'm sorry, pal.

No problem.
Come over here, Ron.

Let me show you
what I'm doing.

I'm taking advantage
of some of the time off

to add a whole new
wing on here.

I'm gonna rip
these walls out

and, of course,
rewire it.

Yeah, you gonna
make it all 220?

Yeah, 220, 221,
whatever it takes.

Well, you sound like
a pretty handy guy.

Yeah, well, I like to do
a bit of everything, Ron.

I write poetry,
I paint, sculpt.

Oh.

Oh, Caroline,
don't you look nice?

Thanks. I'm sorry
if I kept you waiting.

Oh, not at all.
I was just having a little
chat here with your hubby...

Jack.
Jack.

Yeah, he's quite a guy.

So, I guess
we better get going.

CAROLINE: Mmm-hmm.
Okay.

Jack, a real pleasure.

Ron.

(EXHALES)

Very nice outfit, honey.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Honey, if you call
and I'm not here,

I'll be at the gym
or at the gun club.

How'd you like
a little trim on
that mustache, Ron?

(WHIRRING)

RON: Yeah,
Humphries is tough.

He's probably
the toughest client we've got,

but you know,
I think you've got
two things going for you.

Number one,
your experience
as a homemaker.

You're fresh
from the trenches
of consumerism.

And... Oh,
thank you very much.

Oh, boy.

And number two,
you've got a...

Well, let's just say
you're an extremely
attractive woman.

Oh, well, thank you.

And my husband
thanks you, too.

You know, I'm glad
you brought up...

What's his name?

Jack.

Jack. Um...

What do you mean?

I mean, we're gonna
be working long,
hard hours

and you might be
coming home pretty
late at night.

And, well, if there's
gonna be a problem,

I want you to tell me
about it right now.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, there's not gonna
be any problem, see?

Jack supports
everything I do.

As a woman,
in my career,

as an executive,
he supports me.

And if we can agree
that you are an executive,

then you can
stop cutting my steak.

(CUTLERY CLATTERING)
Oh.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Sorry.

Dad, I don't think
we can fit anymore.

Sure, we can.

Let's get
some more in there.

You know, when your dad
was in the Army,

we had to run a tight ship.

There were no ships
in the Army.

Just put this laundry
in there.

Dad, can we
fix lunch?

Sure. Anything
but, uh, tuna.

What have we got here?

Wait a minute.

Let's save
a couple steps here.

Give it everything,
I guess.

(WATER SLOSHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Butler?
Hi.

You got a problem
with your horizontal hold?

I don't know.
Your wife says you do.

Well, she ought to know.
Come on in.

(SHATTERS)

I'll be right back.

I get 45 bucks an hour.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Megan!

You're making me
crazy here, baby.

You're making me nuts.

MEGAN: Da-da.

Yeah, yeah, I love you,

but you're making me
crazy. Stay.

Hey, Kenny,
go keep an eye
on your sister.

Play with her
or something,
all right?

Go watch TV.

ALEX:
You want some chili?

No, thanks.

Hey, where's your mom
keep the vacuum cleaner?

You mean jaws?

(CHUCKLES) Your mom calls
the vacuum cleaner "jaws"?

Yeah.
Where is it?

Over there.

(JAWS THEME SONG PLAYING)

(SCOFFS) Jaws.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHIRRING)

Exterminator.

I can't hear you.

Exterminator.

What?

Exterminator!

Go to the front door.

Okay.

(RIPPING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

I'm here to adjust
the pilot on
your water-heater.

Okay by me.

Hi.
Anything wrong?

No, no. Fine. Fine.

(SMOKE ALARM BUZZES)

(WHIRRING)

(SCREAMS)

ALEX: Dad! Dad!

Dad! Dad!

KENNY: Dad!

Dad, my woobie!

Now, look...
Run, Kenny! Run!

Whoa!

(TIRES SQUEALING ON TV)

(BURSTS)

(COUGHS)

(MEGAN GROANS)

(MEGAN HICCUPPING)

You crazy?
You fed a baby chili?

(HICCUPS)

(DOG BARKING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(HORN HONKS)

(NASAL VOICE)
Where's mommy keep
the extra diapers?

Hey!

Cowards.

(MEGAN CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Holy mackerel!

Aw, man.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

Sorry I'm late.

(SIGHS)

Well, I'm glad
somebody had a good day.

Have a seat.
I'll call you
when he's ready.

Thank you.

MAN: How about
roasted eggplant?

I don't know.

Does your wife
like seafood?

Yeah, but seafood
smells up the kitchen,

and it can take hours
to get rid of that odor.

No. How about
something simple?

Oh. I've got
a Hamburger Wellington
that's out of this world.

Well, great,
let me have it.

Okay, start with
two pounds of ground round,
lean and mean.

Brown it
in some butter.

Yeah.
Pardon me.

Could you use
margarine in that
or butter?

Well, butter's
my personal choice.

Yeah, but butter
can scorch.

Higgins, you're next.

Oh, why don't you go ahead,
and I'll go after you?

Well, you
were here first.

Oh, that's okay.
I have no place to go,

and besides that,
there's not
a job available

anywhere
in this city.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, Butler,
I guess you're next.

I'd sure like to have
a copy of that
when I come back.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, drain all
the excess fat.

Yeah, okay.

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

CAROLINE: Well,
you're mad, aren't you?

I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.

It's just not where
I want to be right now.

Mmm-hmm?

Well, Jack,
I can't not go.

I mean,
please do it for me,
would you?

You know how many
of these things
I went to for you?

A lot.

We'll stay 10 minutes.
10 minutes.

Ten minutes?

(SIGHS) Fifteen tops.

Oh. All right, okay.
Fair enough.

But if we stay
longer than that,

we pull the old
Aunt Emily.

Okay, the Aunt Emily,
right.

Wow! What a house!

Yeah.
Probably mortgaged
to the eyeballs.

CAROLINE: Not this one.

His great-grandfather,
Commander Richardson
built it.

JACK: Yeah.
A hand-me-down.

Oh, thank you.

RON: Jack, you must be
pretty darn proud
of our little Caroline, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
we're very proud of her,

and the children are,
and we're all real
proud of her at home.

She earned
that promotion.

I can
assure you, Jack.

It was a little promotion.
I forgot to tell you
about it.

(CHUCKLES)
It was no big deal.

ANNOUNCER ON PA:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to
the Richardson Frankel
Annual Corporate Olympics!

(ALL CHEERING)

Butler, you're
a sportsman.

I was kind of
counting on you
to take part in this.

You know,
spouses are eligible.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, come on.
Nobody takes it seriously.

It's just
good clean fun.

I know, Ron,
normally, I'd say yeah,

but I'll tell you,
we got to get over to see
Caroline's Aunt Emily.

She's... Dying.
Sick.

Dead?

Well, why don't you
stick around for
a few minutes anyway

and you can watch
with the rest of the wives.

(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
I mean, families.

Huh?

I'll tell you what,
boys, run down to the car

and get Dad's
sweat pants and shoes
and stuff out.

Hey, all right.

I'll stick around
for a while.
Okay.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

It looks like we've
got ourselves a little
competition this year.

Butler over there
is a real jock.

Oh, boy.
That's all we need.

Yeah.

(GROANS)

Relax, Butler.

You're not
gonna win anyway.

Why not?
Is he that good?

He's the boss.
It's his tournament.

You get it?

Yeah, but,
I don't work
for him.

No, but
your wife does.

(GUN FIRES)

(INAUDIBLE)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

What's he doing?

Winning.

(INAUDIBLE)

You threw it,
didn't you?

ALEX: You did good, Dad.

Thanks.

I owe you one, Jack.

(PANTING)

Come on.
Let's go.

You sure you're okay?
Yeah.

Come on.
All right.

(SIGHS)

RON: I did it!
I did it!

I did it! I did it!

NIKKI ON TV: Kevin.

(SCOFFS)
Please... Please
kiss me once more.

KEVIN ON TV: You know
what that's gonna lead to,
don't you?

I know. I want it
to lead there.

I want to feel
alive again.

I can't believe
people actually
watch this stuff.

VICTOR ON TV:
So, I'm not the father
of the child?

Well, that's
some consolation.

Just who
is the culprit?

NIKKI ON TV: You
don't want to know.
Wait. Let me guess.

Probably
the deceased
Mr. Cashman.

Ha! Wrong, Vic. Wrong!

Nikki doesn't
even love you.
Come on, Vic.

Open your eyes, buddy.

She's been making out
with your friend,
Kevin.

You mean Kevin Benton?

That's exactly
who I mean.

Watch. She's gonna
blame it on you now.

You threw me at him.

You let him know
it was perfectly fine to
take me to San Francisco,

only he took me
to bed first,
and it's your fault!

Did I tell you?
I knew it.

Wake up, Vic.
She already buried
one husband.

KEVIN: Do you think that
I'm gonna let that
get into the record

for everybody to see?
Or for the child to
find out later on?

NIKKI: All right then,
we'll just have a
no-fault divorce.

We don't get along.
It's certainly true enough.

No, Nikki,
I won't do it.

Listen, I've been
thinking about this.

Dad.
Yeah?

This is cold
and the cheese isn't
hardly melted down.

Okay. Come here.

KEVIN: I've got
a stake in this kid.

And I'm gonna
stick around and
make sure that he's okay.

There you go.

NIKKI: All you're
really interested in
is the baby.

Is the baby
more important
than Caroline?

That's right.
My own flesh and blood.

Oh, Kevin,
you're such a fool.

That's right, Nikki,
I'm a fool.

Daddy, Daddy,
my woobie's ripped.

Ken, you know what?
Maybe it's time to get
rid of the woobie, all right?

No! No! No!

Okay. All right,
all right. Give me it.

It's more than
just pride, Nikki.

There you go.
Good as new.

Okay, listen,
I'd appreciate it if you
guys kept it down, okay?

Because Nikki's gonna
get the results of her
blood-test back today.

NIKKI: ...have other
children with Caroline.

Is it Kevin's baby?

We're not sure.
Kevin's a skunk.

Kevin gets
all the girls.

He sure got Nikki.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

KEVIN: My mother doesn't
love my father,

but still
we've managed to
make a life together.

So you can just forget
about this annulment
and divorce...

Yeah. Hi, Joan.
How you doing?

Uh, it's got to
be Kevin's.

Victor? How could
it be Victor?

No. He got
a vasectomy.

It didn't take?

Are you kidding me?

Hold on a minute.
Ken, give me that sword.

Dad! Dad!
Dad!

Okay, I'm gonna
bet a 25-cent
Wheaties rebate

and I'm going to
raise you a Van De Camp's
Pork and Beans

and an Ovaltine.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm gonna
see your 25-cent
Wheaties rebate

and raise you
two Tender Vittles
dollar-offs. Okay?

That's it for me.
I'll fold.

Jack, why are you
dealing me this garbage?
I'm out.

This is so much more
fun than bridge, Jack.

Thanks so much
for thinking of it.

Girls, girls.

Come on. Are you
gonna play cards
or flap your gums?

Flap my gums.

It's getting
ugly in here.

Hey. Come on.

All right, all right.
I will see you
your Tender Vittles

and I'll raise you
a 50-cent Yoplait

and a $2.00 rebate
on a Domino's Pizza

and a two-for-one
Sunpure frozen entree.
How about that?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

This is serious poker.

Any of you
ever try those
Sunpure frozen entrees?

Oh! My dog
wouldn't eat them.

I love them.
I do.

I'm calling you
with a 25-cent new
and improved Ban roll-on

and two 50-cent
triple-ply
Hefty bag offers.

What do you got?

(LAUGHS)
She's bluffing!
WOMAN 1: Oh, this is it.

Are these any good?

Uh, well...

You got two pair...

You got plenty.

Hi, kids.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hi, Mommy!

Caroline!

Hi, girls.

Pizza, huh?

Oh, no.
Don't get up.
Don't get up.

Is it that late already?

We were just
finishing here.

Don't be silly.
Don't get up.
Pizza.

Well, I've got
a ton of work to do.

I... I'll go upstairs.

Listen,
we better go here.

It's 7:30.
7:30?

Tomorrow.
We'll play tomorrow,
am I right?

WOMAN 2: My family's starving.

Yeah, sure.

Family's starving?
Take some pizza
home to them.

No. No, I don't...

Joan, don't forget
your coupons.

Excuse me.

Joan, come on.

I think
I'm in trouble.

Room service, madam.

(SIGHS) Thanks,
but Ron gave me this
tuna presentation to do

and I'm really
way behind.

Well, you've got to
eat something, honey.

Well, if I wanted
something to eat, Jack,

I would've come down
and had something to eat
with you and your girlfriends.

All right.

Let's get into it.

Get into what, Jack?
Get into this.

"The house is a mess, Jack.
The kids are a mess, Jack.
You're a mess, Jack."

I leave
anything else out?

Want to talk
about the beard?
All right.

The beard's in its
transitional stage
right now, that's all.

When it comes in
it's gonna look great.

It's gonna look like
that movie star, uh,
what's his name?

Orson Welles?

No. I...

(LAUGHS)
Oh, Orson Welles.

Oh, I get it.
Fat jokes, right?

That's real funny.
Yeah, I've put on
a couple pounds.

So what? Come on.
What else do you have?

You want to talk
about this shirt
for a second, Jack?

All right.

You've been wearing this
shirt around the house

for about two weeks now.
It can walk around by itself.

Why don't you retire
that thing to the dry cleaning
hall of fame, huh?

Because it's
a comfortable shirt.

Jack, take a look
at yourself.

You've really thrown in
the towel, honey.

My brain
is like oatmeal.

I yelled at
Kenny today for
coloring outside the lines.

Megan and I are
starting to watch
the same TV shows

and I'm liking them.

I'm losing it.

Honey, I know what
you're talking about.

I've been there
myself, all right?

Well, if you were so unhappy,
why didn't you say
something about it?

Because I
wasn't unhappy.

Look. Maybe I was
a little confused,

maybe I was
a little frustrated,

but I knew
what I was doing
was important

because it means
something to raise
decent human beings.

What saw me through
was pride.

I had pride
in this house.
I had pride in my kids

and I had pride in
being Mrs. Jack Butler!

Where are you going?

I'm going downstairs
to sleep on the fat couch

if I can get
through the door.

Make sure and take pride
in some of that fat, porky!

(TELEPHONE RINGING ON TV)

VICTOR: Yes?

NIKKI: Victor,

it's Nikki.

Yes. Hello, Nikki.

Honey, are you okay?

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Joan. Hi.
How are you?

Oh, forget it.
Come on.
That was days ago.

No. No. It was very
insensitive of us.

Caroline had
every right
to be angry.

We're not talking.
Or doing anything else.

I'll be right there.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

I came as fast
as I could.

You sure did.

You look great, Jack.

I do?

Mmm-hmm.

What do you think
of this shirt?

Let me tell you
about flannel.

It gets me hot.

Joan...

Do I look fat
or, uh...

Overweight at all
to you?

I like a man
with a little
meat on his bones.

That's two.

Okay.
How about the beard?
I mean, uh...

Caroline hates the beard.

I know.

Oh, my God.

(THUNDER CRACKLING)

(GASPS) Jack!

Jack.

How could you?

And Joan?

Joan, you're supposed
to be my friend.

He's too much man
to be left alone,
Caroline.

Really?

Honey! Honey!
What are you...
Please, Caroline!

Come on, it was
just one kiss!

I'll bet.

Honey, what about
the kids?

The kids are
just outside.

I've thought
of the kids.

The kids won't
hear a thing.

(SOBS) Shoot me.
Shoot me.
You're right.

God knows I'm guilty.
I deserve it.

Tell me something, Jack.
What did it? Huh?

The boredom?
The repetition?

The days, one flowing
into the next?
The loneliness?

Well, I did it, Jack.

I did it for
eight years.

Don't you think
I know?

Say good-bye,
darling.

Oh, no, no!

(GUNSHOT)

What?

Oh, shit!

I love this shirt!

Oh, God.

Couldn't hold on,
could you, Jack?

I was coming by
to call you back.

Holy cow!

What'd you use? A .38?

Uh, 38, 39...
Whatever it took.

Bye, darling.

Tough luck, Jeff.

Jack.

You bet.

Jack, Jack.
The name's Jack.

Jack. Jack.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I can't, Joan, I can't.
You can't do this to me.

Do what?
It's time for
our poker game.

The girls will be
a little late.

There's no game today.
The game's called off.

Why?

'Cause there's a death
in the family.

I'll explain to you later.

(ROCKY'S THEME SONG PLAYS)

Stay!

Get in there and
clean the kids' room.

Three, four...

(SHOUTING)

* Feelin' strong now

* Workin' hard now

(CAR HONKING)

Hey.

Come on, pal.

Hey. South's the drop-off,
north's the pick-up.

Let's get it straight
next time, all right?
Come on, move it.

Move it.

Let's go.

Let's go, monkeys.
I want all of you up.
Let's go!

I want this area cleaned,
I want the animals fed.

I want you to
report for chow 0700.

Move it, monkeys,
move it. Let's go!

Dad!

The baby. Come on.

They're asking about you
on The Today Show
with Gene Shalit.

Let's go.
Running late!
Oh! Yeah. Okay.

I'm fine. Yeah.
I'm moving out.
I'll be there in a minute.

Good luck.

Listen, ace.

You and I
have to have a
man-to-man talk here

about your woobie.

Your woobie's
looking bad, bud.

Now wait a minute.

Now, listen to me.

I understand that
you little guys start out
with your woobies.

And you think
they're great.
And they are!

They are terrific.

But pretty soon,
a woobie isn't enough.

You're out on the street,

trying to score
an electric blanket,
maybe a quilt.

And the next thing
you know,

you're strung out
on bedspreads, Ken.

That's serious.

Now,

give me the woobie.

No.

Kenny...
Come on, man.

No.

Okay.

Give it to me for
a couple of days.

If it doesn't work,
you got the woobie back.

Please.

You got a lot of guts.

Can I have a moment
to myself, please?

Absolutely.

You got it.

You had to do it.

Okay.

Oh.

A little tired, huh?

Yeah.

A little.

Excuse me.
How about this food?

Hmm.

Very good.

You sent out for
Chinese food, huh?

No! Kenny made this.

Nuh-uh.

Listen, you're doing
a really great job
with the kids, honey.

I appreciate it.
With everything.
You really are.

Thanks.

Well, I'd take this time
to carry you upstairs

and let you
tell me all about it,

but I think that
might take too long.

Mmm.

(MAN COUGHING)

How's it going
in there, huh?

Like having
your gums scraped.

You're on.

So soon?

Didn't take Humphries
very long to shoot down
every idea we had.

Looks like
you're the ace
in the hole, kid.

Well, I'm ready.

Okay. You've got
my attention. Shoot.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, these are the
last two campaigns
for Schooner Tuna.

First, you gave away
four glasses with
every can of tuna.

Now as I recall
you were stuck with
60,000 of these, right?

What is this?
This is your life?

Now, bear with me.

Next came 100
free trips to Hawaii.

Now, who knew
there was gonna be
a hurricane that month?

You were stuck with
100,000 of these
flower leis.

I hope to hell
you're making a point.

Well, I am making
a point, Mr. Humphries.
The point is,

Schooner Tuna is one
of the three most expensive
tunas on the market.

Now, if we want to
beat our competitors

the time for these
gimmicks and giveaways
is over with.

Now, I don't mean
to be disrespectful,
Mr. Humphries

but housewives
need your help,
not your gimmicks.

Show them that
you really care
about their problems,

and you'll win
their loyalty.

Now, this is
what I propose.

"Schooner Tuna sympathizes
with those hit so hard by
this trying economy.

"To help you,
we are reducing the price of
our tuna by 50 cents a can.

"When this crisis is over,
we'll go back to
our regular prices.

"Until then, remember,
we're all in this together.

"Signed, Howard Humphries,
President, Schooner Tuna,
the tuna with a heart."

Well, you've got
a plane to catch.

I'm really sorry...

Damn well right,
you're sorry.

Yes, I am.

Where in the hell
have you been hiding
this little girl?

She's not just
selling tuna, son.
She's selling America.

Right!

"The tuna with a heart."
I love this
bleeding-heart shit.

That's American!
That's what that is!

That's what I think.

Well, there's more.

More?
There is?

Yes.

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

Caroline,
congratulations!

Thank you,
thank you.

I'm so impressed
with you.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi. I'm here for
Mrs. Butler. 8:00 flight.

Right.
She'll be right out.

Okay.

Why do you
have to go
to California?

'Cause that's where
we're gonna make the
tuna commercial, honey.

Can't you go
tomorrow, Mommy?

No, I can't.
Because everyone else
is going tonight.

And I have to go.

But you know what?
I'm gonna be back

before you go to your
first meeting of the
knights of the round table.

I promise.

Bye, honey.

Bye, sweetie.

Wait, guys,
stay right here.

Alex, Kenny,
watch her for
a minute, okay?

Let me talk to you.

Two hours notice,
and you're off to
Los Angeles like that.

(SIGHS) Jack,
there is nothing
I could do about it.

I convinced a man today
to spend $11 million
on one of my ideas.

I got to go!

Besides, honey,
there's gonna be other
Halloweens, you know.

I know there'll be
other Halloweens

but I'm thinking
about this Halloween.

Caroline, these kids,
in a couple of years, are
gonna outgrow this thing.

Oh, really?
You don't seem to
have outgrown it, Jack.

All right.
I admit it.
I like Halloween.

Yeah, well,
so do I, honey.

Remember I was
going to dress up as
a prison matron tonight?

Point is, Megan just
got two new teeth.

I'll bet
you didn't know that.

Alex is
playing football.

Remember Kenny's
security blanket?

He doesn't have it anymore.
Doesn't use it. It's gone.

You know, if you
were here I was gonna
suggest you go as a ghost.

'Cause even when
you're here,
you're not here.

Caroline, we really
have to get going.

Hey, Madison Avenue,
lighten up.

All right, Jack.
What do you want
me to do?

Not go? Not try?
Not succeed?

Of course not.
I want you to succeed.
And...

You gave me some
real good advice once.

So now let me
give you some of mine.

It's real easy to
forget what's important.

So don't.

Jack, I'm gonna
be back in
less than a week.

Can't we please
talk about this then?

Come on,
everything's gonna
be all right.

Little woman's
off again, huh?

Shut up, Annette.

Please, Megan.
Please. Daddy will
buy you a T-bird.

Okay? You want a T-bird?

Please. Put your bum
down there, honey.
Okay?

I know, but...

Ken, is she here?

KENNY: I think
she's here now, Dad!

Okay, honey.
Please, for Daddy.
Meg, please. Okay?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi...

Who are you?

What?

Who are you?

I'm your babysitter!

Excuse me.

Wait.

Oh, Jack.
Hi.

How are you?
Hi, kids.

Remember Uncle Jinx?

They're big now.

Yeah. Listen,

now, what this
is about is it's a...

It's a review board.
Now, it's just a formality.

They're gonna ask you
a couple of questions...

Jack, if you
could back me up

I think I can
get you back on
at half salary.

What are you talking about?
You didn't say anything about
half salary on the phone.

Mr. Latham, Mr. Butler,
you can go in now.

According to
our records

since you and
your associates left,

production in
your division is
off by 23 percent,

and costs are up 19 percent.
You have any explanation
for that?

I'm a little confused here.
I'm no longer with
the company.

I don't know.
You might ask Mr. Latham.

We have.

JACK: And?

I'm sorry, Jack.
I covered for you guys
as long as I could.

You covered for us?

Yeah.

That's a lie.
That's not true.

Come on, Jack.

Larry and Stan
were in here.

Now, they already admitted
that I covered for them.
Now, come on.

It's time
for you to be
a stand-up guy.

Larry and Stan would say
anything you wanted
them to say.

They need their jobs.

You want me to be
a stand-up guy?

Okay, I'll be
a stand-up guy.

I need my job, too,
but what's going on
here is wrong.

If I did such a bad job,

why did production go down
and costs go up
after you fired me?

Huh? Look,
I don't know what
this guy told you.

I don't know
what he does
with his books.

I'm a car maker,
I make cars.

I'm not an accountant.

But I'll tell you something.
I take a lot of pride
in my work.

Dad.

Oh, no, son.
Son, you're gonna have
to get out of here now.

This is a meeting.

Just a minute, Alex.
Daddy's talking.

I know it's not
real popular right now,

you know,
taking pride
in your work.

But I did,
I cared.

You fired me for it.

If you ever talk to
my kid like that again
I'm knocking you out.

Forget the paper.

There we go.
There we go.
That's it.

(KIDS SHOUTING)

Will you forget the...

(SNICKERING)

Schooner Tuna
commercial, take 24.

MAN: And action.

I'm Howard Humphries,
President of Schooner Tuna.

All of us here, uh...
Cut. Cut.

MAN: Cut it!

Caroline!
Caroline.

There's an emotional
element missing. I...

Oh, for God's sakes.
What does he want now,
Caroline?

Wait a second.
I'll take care of this.

Can't you control him?

(WHISPERING)

Fine, fine.

MAN: Okay, folks.
One more time.

MAN 1: Quiet please!
MAN 2: Speed.

Caroline,
how about a little dinner
after all this is over?

No, I don't think so.
I'm too tired.

As soon as this is over
I want to go back to the hotel
and soak in a hot tub.

That's all I wanna do.

That... Yeah.
That sounds like
a great idea.

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

MAN: Quiet!

Schooner Tuna commercial,
take 25.

My fellow Americans...

JACK: I actually thought
I had a job there for
about 30 seconds today.

Jack.
Forget about it.

The most important thing
is that you didn't get fired.

That's right.
That's right.

Good way
to look at it,
I guess.

Listen, you guys
get in now and go.
And I'm gonna get a cab.

We sprang for dinner.
You can't walk out
on us now.

Come on, get in.

Where are you
taking me?

Come on.
Get in the car.

Got him!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(WOMEN WHOOPING)

Oh, my god!

(LAUGHS)

These aren't the same guys
from the space shuttle,
are they?

Hey, Flash!

Don't look now,
but I think he's
looking at you.

No, he's...

Okay, okay.

Bet you don't know
where this has been.

There you go.
Where's he putting it?
Where's he putting it?

No, no. Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Hey, wait, Flash!
Wait for me!

Hey, Joan!
Hey seriously...

We're going to jail.

(LAUGHING)
Who cares?

All right, girls.

Next time,
I'll call you.
All right?

Don't bother
calling me.

Seriously,
it was fun.
I'll see you.

Here. Take this.
I don't think I'm
gonna need it.

What is it?
What is it?

That dancer's
telephone number.

(ALL CLAMORING)

ANNOUNCER: Will all passengers
be sure they have
their baggage checked

before boarding
the buses.

JACK: Annette.

Mrs. Turner, please
come to the desk.

Will Mrs. Turner
please come to the desk?

So that's why
you offered to
sit with the kids.

(GIGGLING)

You knew where
they were taking me,
didn't you, Annette?

Daddy?

Hi. Come on,
I'm taking
you guys to bed.

Can we call Mommy?

No, we can't.
She's in California.

I want to talk
to Mommy, too.

Come on, guys.
Go to bed.

We'll call her
in the morning.

Well, it's only 8:30
in California.

Good point,
Annette.
All right.

(SIGHING)

(WHISPERING)
Okay, be very,
very quiet.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Right, right
around here
will be fine.

Incidentally, I really
appreciate this
very, very much.

Oh, I'm quite
sure you do.

DJ ON RADIO:
Enjoy all
the good sounds...

* Strangers in the night

* Exchanging glances

* Wondering in the night

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Alex who?

I don't know,
some guy.

Let me see.

Is Caroline Butler there?

(WHISPERING)
She's in the tub.
Who is this?

It's her husband.
Who the hell is this?

(DISCONNECTS LINE)

Who was that
on my phone?

Um... Wrong number.

(LAUGHS)

Ron, what are
you doing?

Well, somebody
has got to pour
the champagne.

You've been drinking,
a lot, haven't you, Ron?

(LAUGHS) Moi?
Yep, a lot.

I think I'm gonna
have to ask you
to leave, now, okay?

Why? There're
no kids to go
home to tonight.

Ron, get out.

We could make
a great team,
Caroline.

Really?
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?

Well, basically,
you dump Jack,
you marry me,

and it's
Richardson,

(SIGHS)
Frankel and
Richardson.

Come on, what're you
trying to tell me,

that you're in love
with me?

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, hell, no,
but the client is.

All right, Ron,
this is my official
warning to you.

Get out!

You are so adorable
when you're angry.

Ron, get out.
(CHUCKLES) No,
I'm not kidding.

Ron!
Oh, don't be coy!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, trying to play
hard to get, huh?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Aren't you gonna
answer that?

That's the fourth time
it's rung in the last hour.

Oh, do you want
me to answer it?

Yeah.

Oh! Okay. Okay.
Here we go!

Hello! Okay.
Nobody there,
I guess.

(SHATTERING)

Oh, well, you probably
want to be alone, huh?

Yeah, okay, good.
All righty.

Well, you try to get
some sleep now, okay?

Don't worry.
My lips are sealed.

WOMAN ON TV: Hmm.
Won't be so bad when
I get your bangs rolled.

Horrible.

I don't think
I'll be called upon
to defend my honor.

WOMAN: I doubt it.

I promised Jack
I wouldn't say anything.

Now, remember, this is in
strictest confidence.

Of course!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, good.
Another grownup.

What happened?

Dad's making
some minor changes.

Hi, Joan.

Just a little work
around the house.

Kenny!
Don't paint your sister.

Hey, Butler!
Guess what!

You had quite
a burst of nervous
energy last night.

Yeah.
You should have
called me.

Hey, Butler!
Yeah?

I think I found
your problem.

What is it?
This shoe.

Oh... Kids.

Doris, this is a
friend of mine, Joan.

DB.
Hi.

Kitchen's clean.
Hi, Joan.

I'm gonna check
your basement
for bugs.

I sure hope
I don't find any.

I'm a little
grimy and sweaty here.

Joan, I'm gonna
go upstairs and
take a shower.

You can get a drink.
You know where we
keep everything.

Or watch television.
Whatever you want.

(HUMMING)

Oh, wow!

Hey, Jack!

I love what you did
to the bedroom.

(SOFTLY) Damn.

Thanks. It's amazing
what you can do
with a Sears card.

That's from their
safari collection.

You've got a problem.

Okay.

All right.

A, she's an
attractive woman.

B, she wants you, Jack.

She wants you bad.

C...

I don't even want
to think about C.

D...

Kenny would talk.
Alex... Alex would be okay.

Kenny would talk.
He'd crack.

M, I'm a free agent.

N, I could be
in the middle of it,

I could have
a heart attack.

I could die.
Caroline walks in,
sees me there.

I die and get caught.

Joan?

Caroline!

What are you doing
in my bedroom?

Huh?

This is my bedroom,
isn't it?

Yeah.

What are you
doing here?

Is it too early
for a drink?

All right, Y...

Why did I get rid
of that woobie?

Z,

you're not going
to do anything.

'Cause you, my friend,
are in love with your wife.

Joan...
Jack.

Caroline?
Well, now that we have
the names straight.

Would you mind explaining
to me why I come all the way
home to talk to you

and I find
another woman
in our room?

Oh, look who's talking.
I called your hotel.

Richardson answers
the phone, and I hear
champagne chilling

in the background?

You heard that?
Aha!

Now, I'd appreciate it
if you just don't talk
to me right now

because I'm doing
my best to calm down.

(DOORBELL RINGING)
All right?

Excuse me.
I have a household to run.

(GASPS) Oh, Jack!

Oh, Jack.
I'm in a lot of trouble.

Look. I'm not
talking to you!

No, no, please.
Listen to me.

I cut the department
to the bone
and they caught me.

I've gotta have you back.
I'll do anything.

Dad, is Mommy home?

Not now, kid!
I'm talking here!

I warned you, Jinx.

Oh!

Gee! One punch.

You want
a company car?

Caroline! Ooh,
I've caught you
at a bad time here.

Hey. Don't hit me, Jack.
I like what you've done
with the place.

Gonna get
a new tube.

Ron!
Caroline.

I'm begging you.

Humphries' gonna
pull the whole account
unless you come back to work.

I told this guy
last night 10 times
that I quit!

What'd he do,
make a pass?

I just got
a little out of hand.
And she belted me.

You quit your job?

I didn't like that job.
I'm gonna get another job,
a better one.

Anyway,
I miss my family.

I thought you
loved that job.

Thanks.
How about three days
at the office

and two days
at home?
Thanks.

(CHATTERING)

Jack, will you
listen to me?

Management wants you back.

Jack.

Thanks.
Basement's clean.

Okay.
Oh, thanks.

Look, he's offering me
full salary and a company car.
What do you think?

Are you kidding?
Take it.
Okay look, Bert,

tell him I don't
make a move
without Larry and Stan.

He doesn't make a move
without Larry and Stan.

Oh, you got a deal.

Who are
Larry and Stan?
Thanks.

You really hit him?

Don't you think
I know how to take
care of myself?

Hurt your hand?

No.

Missed you.

I missed you, too.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

My fellow Americans,

I am Howard Humphries,
President of Schooner Tuna.

All of us here at
Schooner Tuna sympathize

with those of you
hit so hard by these
trying economic times.

In order to help you,
we are reducing the
price of Schooner Tuna

by 50 cents a can.

When this crisis is over
we will go back to
our regular prices.

Until then, remember,
we're all in this together.

Schooner Tuna,
the tuna with a heart.

(ALL CLAMORING)