All language subtitles for Making The Grade. (1984) 2

Up and down these steps.

Up and down.

Gettin' too old.

Now, don't make me
come in that room.

Not even human.

Too much trouble.

Palmer?

Palmer, you awake
in there yet?

Palmer?

Palmer!

I haven't the time.

Which pile are you?

Mr. Townsend's
still downstairs.

He ain't gettin'
a bit happier.

What? I can't
understand you

With that thing
on your face.

Well, I can't breathe in here
with all these germs.

Townsend's downstairs.

Oh, screw Townsend.

Open a window,
will ya?

You open a window.

I ain't steppin' in this room
until it's clean.

Hey,
nobody said this job

Wasn't gonna have
its hazards.

What are we
paying you for?

I ain't paid enough
to do this job.

Nobody's ever been
paid enough to do this job.

How about a brewski?

Nice grab.

� waking up �

� to the sound �

� that life is beating �

� to the drum �

� heaven bound �

� there's no defeating �

� straight ahead �

� movin' up �

� so don't mind me �

� if you think
it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� shake it up �

� take your stand �

� 'cause life
could throw you �

� oh, unexpected plans �

� don't be surprised �

� here's a word �

� to the wise, yeah �

� oh, don't mind me �

� if you think
it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� your life's a dance �

� gotta take a chance �

� livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� oh, livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo �

� doo doo doo doo �

� doo doo �

� hmm hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm hmm �

� doo doo doo doo �

Man: Palmer!

� doo doo doo- �

What the hell
are you doing here?

As your father's
special assistant-

You're
an ass-kissing joke.

And you're a lazy
self-centered twerp

And an embarrassment
to your family.

My father's not gonna like you
talking like that.

I'm quoting your father.

Oh.

He's telexed me from Belgium
with some good news.

He's placed you
in Hoover academy

For your final year
of prep school.

What?

I knew you'd be pleased.

Maybe now
you can graduate

Before you're older
than the faculty.

You know what they say
about Hoover?

It's like going to school
in a vacuum.

It's the prep school
of last resorts.

Palmer, flunking out
of 6 schools in 3 years

Doesn't leave
many options.

Kids you started with

Are practicing
medicine now.

Does my mother
know about this?

She said maybe I shouldn't
go to school this year,

I should try to find myself.

You know, I have
a very delicate psyche.

Join me in a little canard?

Quack!

I doubt that your
mother does know.

She's probably
in the Caribbean

Sunning her own
delicate psyche.

Let me give you
the alternative.

If you don't go to school
and don't graduate,

You will be cut off.

No trust fund,
no allowance.

You will actually
have to get-

And forgive me
for using the word-

A job.

Thank you.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Bonjour, madame.

A bientot.

May I take your order,
monsieur?

Perhaps a little electric
shock therapy, Nicky.

You know,
I'll tell you what.

Why don't you
hold the vin

And give me
a couple of dogs?

10 years as maitre d'

In the best french
restaurant in town, Eddie.

Old habits die hard,

And then
they may want me back.

Here's Nicky,

Handling the books!

I'll tell you something
that's worse for you, Eddie-

Those 2 primates Dice
has got out looking for ya.

Uhh!

I just had to do
a little bit of,

Ha, relocation,
you know?

You wouldn't, uh...

Happen to have $3,700
I could borrow, would you?

Shit!

Ha ha ha ha.

Anytime before
halley's comet gets here.

Wanna shut up?

God damn it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
it looks like...

Yes, it is,

It's slicing toward
the elm trees!

Who are you,
curt fucking gowdy?

Hey, that was
your best drive today.

Now, look, shift your weight
a little faster like this,

Then you'll lose that slice.

What do you say, Eddie?

Jeez, Eddie, we had
a real tough time finding you.

Not tough enough, huh?

Hey, the dice man's
really pissed at ya.

Ha ha ha.

Now, that's poor
dental hygiene.

I'll tell you what, I'll
give you this for your breath,

And you let me go.

Let you go?

And face unemployment
in these uncertain times?

Gimme that!

Hey, so how's-

How's
the ax-murder business?

I don't know.

It's this
prep school thing.

It's throwing my game off.

I'm not psychologically
prepared to go.

Well, at least we can
still be roommates, you know?

Small compensation, Rand.

Look, I got other plans.

I was supposed to leave for
Europe in a couple of days.

Besides, Hoover academy.

What do you recommend?

Lessons.

What club, wise-ass?

Aw, if I were you,
I'd just stick to kicking.

If you were me, you
wouldn't be a caddy.

Hold this, will you?

Yeah.

What difference does it
make to my parents

If I go to school
or not?

They never see me.

Or each other,
for that matter.

What a tragedy.

Ok, boys, watch this.

God damn it!

Get up.

� flex it �

� flex it �

� hard, hard,
hard, hard, hard, hard �

What, are you girls
practicing

For a palsy contest?

You make me sick,
you know that?

Don't wave to him.

He owes me money.

Hey, Dice man.
The act looks great!

What do you think,
Mook?

Eddie...

The act sucks.

Now, that's respect.

Why do I get the feeling
you've been avoiding me?

I don't know. Maybe 'cause
I've been avoiding you?

That's pretty good.

Not, I trust, because
of any fiscal difficulty

We might be having?

He bit off an ear for
a tenth of what you owe.

I need some more time.

You had time,
man. No, I-

You fucked up.

You're a screwup,
you know that?

You should not have
begun wagering.

So now you must pay

Or suffer.

you decide.

Is there a third choice?

Death by tire wheels.

Ha ha. Eddie,
I don't need this pressure.

I don't need
this small shit.

Get him outta here.
Break his legs.

And then get me
some pizza, ok?

With anchovies.

What are you doin'?

Skinny son of a bitch!

You wait, Eddie!

You skinny son of a bitch!
I'll grab you!

Aw, shit!

Go ahead, play through,
assholes!

God damn it!

God, you know, if it wasn't
for those 7 triple bogeys,

I probably would have had
a pretty good round.

Ha ha ha.

You know what the joke of this
whole prep school thing is?

My parents won't even know
if I'm there or not.

That's what really bugs me.

Will you stop
complaining?

I mean, being poor

Is worse than going
to prep school.

You should ask
a poor person.

Who knows
any poor people?

If I did, I'd hire one
to go to school for me,

And I'd be off to Europe.

Yeah, now, that's the remark
of a desperate man.

Yeah, well,
I'm desperate.

Cheese?
Aw, yuck!

Hey, you know somethin'?

Nobody at the school
knows what I look like.

My father will be traipsing
all over the world on business,

And my mother
will just be traipsing.

Why wouldn't it work?
Pay some guy, what?

5, 600 bucks a month
and a bonus to graduate.

You said it yourself.

Going to school
is better than being poor.

Well, yeah, sure,
it's a great idea,

But, I mean,
where do you propose

To find the idiot
to do this?

So, how do you interview
a guy for a job like this?

What, do I send for
your school records,

Ask for references?

Hey, man, listen,
forget the red tape, ok?

I'm considering
a lot of other offers.

Yeah, you two should
exchange brain scans.

I mean,
you're both nuts.

Don't worry, I got an instinct
for these things.

Yeah, right.

Uh, I'll cover
your monthly expenses,

And there's a $5,000 bonus
once I get my diploma.

5,000 bucks?

All right, 10,000,
but that's it.

Once you get to Hoover,

My buddy here
will show you the ropes.

He may not come
from important money,

But he's got
a lot of class.

You want
the car, too? Test spin.

Isn't that
a little steep?

What the hell.
I hate the color.

Eddie!

Rand: God, you almost
hit those guys!

Feel free to open it up,
I mean, Jesus.

Rand: I don't know,
I don't like it.

You know what I mean?

I'm the one who's gonna
have to take the heat

When this Eddie guy screws up,
and he's gonna screw up.

So, you just got to make
sure that he doesn't.

Look, he can't
do any worse than me.

I mean, 7 years, and I
still haven't graduated.

Yeah, good for you.

But he doesn't even fit in,
you know?

You don't even
know this guy.

He may stay a week
and decide to take off, huh?

Wrong.
Did you see the way

He was looking
at my Porsche?

Besides, I don't have time
to find anybody else.

Hang on a second, chief.

Look, who else can I turn to?
You're my best friend.

Yeah.
I'm your only friend.

Now, look, as I see it,
you know, uh...

Everyone's getting something
out of this here but me.

� that's life,
that's what they say �

� you're riding- �

Wrong. This is life.

And now, he can't make it
without my help,

And I should get paid.

What?
Why not?

It's not like I come from
really "important money. "

Uhh! Uhh!

Look, pay me half of what
you're paying Eddie.

Rand, you have turned
into real pond scum.

Yeah, well,
you better hurry up.

I'm considering
some other offers.

All right, all right.

Come on, will ya?
I haven't got all day!

Oh, yes, sir.

I can count on you,
can't I?

Sure. Let's...

Let's just hope
you can count on Eddie.

Ciao, baby.

I hate school!
I'm not going! I won't go!

I'm gonna puke if you
make me go to school!

Good-bye,
mother, father.

Bye. Nice meeting you.

Good-bye.

Nice tennis racket, kid.

You won't be needing it.

You scratched it.

This is from Abercrombie's,
and you scratched it.

Can you believe this cheese dip
scratched my luggage?

Kill him.

Sing it.

I said sing it, smack.
Sing it.

But I didn't memorize
it, sir. I didn't know.

You-you didn't know?

You didn't know?

Well, you think
you're such a big man

You didn't have to learn
the Hoover fight song?

N-no, sir.
Sing it.

� Hoover prep,
we are for you �

� proud to-to wear
the pink and green �

Rand: He's registered
to be here.

What's the deal? He
should be here by now.

Don't you have
his name or anything?

� well, baby �

� you got rhythm �

� you got style �

� you got it made
in the shade �

� oh, wow �

� take it easy �

� or take it slow,
don't you know �

� you got double trouble �

� high roller... �

Hey.

Yo, Rand!

� ooh, a pretender �

� oh, yeah �

� well, baby �

� you got rhythm �

� you got style �

� you got it made
in the shade �

� oh, wow �

� take it easy �

� or take it slow,
don't you know �

� you got double trouble �

� you got rhythm �

� you got style �

� you got it made
in the shade �

� oh, wow �

� take it easy �

� or take it slow,
don't you know �

� you're in
double trouble �

� shoop shoop �

Eddie: Ohh!

You actually paid
for this room?

Ha. You actually paid
for those clothes?

What's wrong
with these clothes?

Well, you must be
Palmer Woodrow.

My name's Bif.
Skip. Reggie.

Great names.

Wish I had a name
like Bif.

Yeah, can't get depressed
with a name like that.

I mean, it doesn't
sound right to say,

"Gee, Bif, what's wrong?
Are you depressed?"

Great names.

And if I may say,

That is a great outfit,
Woodrow.

We were admiring it
when you came in.

That is genuine ban-lon,
isn't it?

Uh, very nice. It almost
feels like something real.

Boy: Ha ha ha ha.

Gosh, I-I really hate
to bring this up,

But, uh, Rand, did you tell
Woodrow that he's a smack?

Oh, he's a senior.
He's a senior, Bif.

What's a smack?

He's still new.

What's a smack?

Smack's a freshman
or-or any new kid.

Right. Now, blimp here,
well, Blimp's a senior,

But he's also
the floor demo model.

Hit it, Blimp.

Boy: Ha ha.

That'll be all.

Now, smacks must come
to attention like that

Whenever a senior passes,

And a smack must always be
prepared to sing a song.

You do know the song?

It's your first day.
We're gonna let it go.

But you teach him, Rand.
It's on your shoulders.

Good to see you again,
Bif. See you, buddy.

I'll be talking
to you guys later.

What the hell
were you doing?

I mean, you are supposed
to be Palmer Woodrow.

You're supposed to fit in and
lose your stupid personality.

You are supposed
to be a preppy,

Or else we can kiss
our money good-bye.

Oh, our money?

Yes, yes. I have a stake
in this, too, all right?

And you're gonna fit in,
because I'm not gonna lose it,

Nor am I gonna take
any crap from you

When you screw up.

Now, I'm allergic to cancer,
so quit smoking.

Rand:
All right, lesson one-

Preppy-come-lately,

Preppy-come-never,

Preppy-forever.

Socks-wear them
only to weddings,

And then, well,
only if it's your own.

This duck is preppy,
all right?

This duck is not.

This woman is preppy.

Thank you very much.

This man is not.

Thank you. Ugh.

Come on. Don't roll cigarettes
up in your sleeve.

Learn to love
yellow and pink.

A tie's knot should never
be bigger than your head.

Clothes, they should look
like you inherited them

From your older brother.

Oh, very nice.

Pants-now they should
look like you outgrew them

Last year.

Eddie: Preppies
must get beat up a lot.

Rand:
Are you listening to me?

Wear as many layers
as possible,

But not enough to remind you
you have any armpits.

You look great.

Things should look neat
but never new, all right?

Isn't this
a great store?

I mean,
you should be proud.

Today we single-handedly

Destroyed the polyester
industry. Ha ha ha.

Uh, now, that's not
very preppy.

Well, men...

Ha ha!
And-and I call you men

Because that's exactly
what you are

When you register as seniors
here at Hoover academy.

One of you sitting here
is gonna be the recipient

Of this year's annual
Hoover memorial award.

The symbol of academic
and social achievement.

I-I ask you, men,
isn't that exciting?

I-I find it exciting.

As exciting as the sense
of tradition and honor

That the name Hoover
embodies.

Sounds like
coach Wordman.

Wordman: I have got tattoos
you wouldn't believe,

In uncharted regions.

hello!

What's going on here?

Harriman: I'm welcoming
the seniors.

What's going on there?

Is it September already?

Sir, excuse me,

But this is the proctor
for the senior dorm?

Why, he's not setting
a very good example.

I totally agree with you.

I don't think you
understand, sir.

These ladies' car
ran out of gas.

I'm merely letting them
use my phone.

Let's have a little bit
of compassion.

What do you think
these are?

I'm just filling them up
with gasoline

To bring back to the car.

Ahem, but now that I see
these ladies in the light,

I realize they are not women
of high moral integrity.

A couple of woof-woofs.

So let's get out of here
right now, please.

Perhaps I should be sure

That they are removed
from the premises, sir.

Hurry back.

I'm gonna have to.

I've only got about 11 minutes
left on my hour. Great.

Hey, wait, wait.
Wait, let me help.

Wait a minute. You're not
going anywhere, young man.

Just sit down, Mr., uh...

Woodrow, Woodrow,
Palmer Woodrow.

Look, it's my only
ride into town.

You're not
going into town.

Why? Or you're gonna
have girls come here?

'cause this place,
it's very nice,

But it's very boring.

This is an all-boys
preparatory school, Mr. Woodrow.

Boy: First call
for breakfast!

First call for breakfast!

First call
for breakfast!

Let's go, this is it.

First day.

We got 20 minutes
to shower and dress.

Wake me when it's
first call for lunch.

Ohh. Ohh!

Oh, Thorndike.

Good to
see you. Good to see you.

What do you think of this
fall weather we're having?

No, I don't like it.

I bought this for you.

It's
the weirdest color-

Come on.

Wow. Did you see that?

I'm sorry,
I don't see anybody.

We're gonna be late.
Come on.

Now, uh, take out
your homework

And-and pass it
to the front.

Excuse me,
professor Mueller,

But this is
the first day of class.

You haven't assigned
any homework yet.

Ah, yes, of course.

You seem to have some papers
in your hand.

Perhaps you'd like
to pass them out?

Ah. Ah.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Of course.

Now,
what you have there

Is a-a psychological
profile.

Uh, fill it out.

Then write an essay
about yourself.

How do you spell
"parole"?

There are no right or
wrong answers. Simple.

A child could do it.

Boy: Uh, lookit.

I think this guy's
getting ready to blast off.

Hey, guys, guys.
Excuse me here.

I find this
embarrassing

That we cannot show
more respect

To a teacher
than this.

Sir, on behalf of
Hoover academy,

Well, I apologize.

Boy: Yeah, me, too.

Now, unless all overhead
is dramatically curbed

Or there's a marked increase
in alumni contributions,

Hoover academy faces
financial disaster.

What overhead?

My family gave the land
and built most of the buildings.

You haven't even changed
a light bulb in 10 years.

Do you have any idea what
a financial challenge it is

Running this institution?

Well, if it's
that much of a challenge,

Why don't you just
close the doors?

Well, I...
I-I-I-

I'm afraid I must
agree with mother.

Our family has invested
more than its fair share

In the school.

It's time the burden
was shared by others.

Well, yeah,
I quite agree, but-

Well, then
do something about it.

Hoover prep
can always become

Hoover village
condominiums.

Uh...

Well, uh-

Ok, everybody
get their overcoats.

Woman in film:
Come to me.

Ok.

Now what we have here is
the fame masked intruder.

Come to me.
Take me.

Hey. Come on.

4 bucks.
Take a seat down front.

2 bucks?

Cover one eye.

Ok. What can we
learn from this?

Well, height obviously
has nothing to do

With genital size.

Or shape.

All right, you guys,
what's going on in-

Woman: Come on.

Oh, my god.

Coach.
That's 4 bucks.

No, no. I'm not enrolled
in this course.

I'm only auditing.

All right, guys,
move over.

Oh, god,
that's wonderful.

Now it's time
to rate the date.

Woman:
like that!

Sir, I'm very, very sorry
to disturb you like this,

And, well,
you know how much I hate

To inform
on a fellow student,

But I feel the reputation
of the Hoover academy

Is at stake here.

Oh, boy.

Uh, Thomas?

You gave them a 7.

Now, why did you
give them a 7?

7? 7, what,
are you nuts?

How old
are you, kid?

14.

Oh. No,
that was a 9.

Take my word
for it.

That was a 9.

Harriman: All right,
what's going on here, huh?

A national geographic film?

You guys can't kid me!

Now, let's get up
and out of here.

I'm not gonna
tell you again.

All of yas, up,
come on, move.

I am surprised at you.

I expected a little
more out of you.

Get out of here.

What kind of
behavior is th-

They told me it was a
National geograph-kids.

Rand: Jeez, you know,
Harriman can just suspend you,

So please shape up.

I don't know what
you're so worried about.

I'm-I'm a hit! A hit!

People are noticing me!

Yeah, but you see,
that's my whole point.

I mean, the perfect credo's
not to be noticed,

To have a sense of,
I don't know,

Discipline or tradition.

Woodrow, how you doin'?

There's a Muffy Newhouse
looking for you.

What's a Muffy?

You know Muffy.
You know... Muffy.

Yeah. Muffy.

Now, this is Palmer's
longtime girlfriend.

You gotta be careful, ok?

Don't worry. Ok?

Well, just watch
what you say, all right?

Yo, Muffy.

Yo. Pardon me.

Nice car. Did you
buy this new?

Are you trying to be amusing?
Whoever you are.

Bif.

Bif Hamilton.

Well, fetch Palmer
for me, Bif.

This is just the most
wonderful surprise for him-

Me stopping by on my way
to Mount Hollyhock.

Well, actually,

Palmer has a most wonderful
surprise for you.

You see, he's not here.

He left campus
for a little while.

Damn.

You tell him
I was here.

Which is where
I expect him to be

The next time
I come through.

Man: Hey, slow down, jack.
Don't litter on campus.

Coach: Let's go, you guys!

When the going gets tough,
the tough get going.

If I can stand a regiment,
so can you.

Let me have a beer.

You kiddin'?
Get back in there.

You're in rotten shape
for a teenager.

Well, you're in pretty rotten
shape for a phys ed instructor.

You kiddin'? I'm in rotten
shape for a human.

It's not my fault, though.

I was born before
jogging was invented.

What is your story?

You're not exactly
Mr. Alligator shirt.

No story.

You remind me a lot of
myself when I was your age.

You remind me
a lot of myself now.

Look, get back in there.
Do, uh...

Do one of somethin'.

Great. Hit the showers.
Yo, Palmer.

You guys disgust me!

Hello, pizzas-are-us?

Yes, do you have
volume discounts?

Oops. Nope.
No points, no points.

Oh, come on.

I told you. You get one
point for a direct hit.

You get 2 points
if you draw blood.

You just grazed him.
It doesn't count.

All right.

Ok, watch this. The pro.

All right. What is this?
Bowling for dullards?

You guys pickin' on
the Blimp again? Nice.

Oh, no, coach, we're
not pickin' on him.

We just want him
to feel wanted.

Right, Blimp?

Oh, sure, yeah.
This is the very reason

Why God created fat,
neurotic adolescents.

Right, coach?

Blimp: Aah!
2 points.

I apologize, sir,

But contemporary
psychologists agree

That this type of eye-hand
coordination exercise,

It's very-

Hamilton!

Staple it shut, huh?

All right, you guys.
Gather around.

A word to you
party animals

About the misspent
mixer coming up-

No drinking.

No necking.
All: Aw!

No mooning.

No fun.

No kidding.

Coach: All right, guys.
A few last-minute tips.

When you meet a girl,
compliment her.

And nothin' obvious like,
"wow, nice dress. "

Say something different.

When you say
somethin' different,

They think you mean it.

Also, use her name a lot.

Girls really
get off on that.

With a line like...

"Gee, Muffy, I really
like your panty-hose,"

That'll work out
great, right?

You get that far,
you don't need a line.

You should start looking
for signs of arousal.

What signs?

Ripping off their panties.

Yeah, there's a hint.
Also, nipples.

They're a dead giveaway.
They're kind of like

The plastic tab
on a purdue chicken.

Pop up to let you know
when they're ready.

Ha ha ha.

Coach, they've got medicine
for that, you know.

What?

Well, whatever it is you're
trying to kill down there.

All right. All right, guys.

In a few minutes,
you're gonna line up

To meet your hostess
of the evening.

Be polite. Be gentlemen.
No pushing, no shoving.

Take the girl
that they assign to you

No matter what
she looks like.

Remember, dogs
have feelings, too.

All right.
Now, let's go, huh?

Coach: Let's go!

I hate these things.

Why do I even
come to these things?

The whole thing makes me
stinkin' nauseous.

All right.
How do I look?

Aah!

I'm out of position.
Wonderful. Great.

Every time.

Oh, wow.

Hi. I'm Palmer Woodrow.
How's tricks?

How's tricks?

What happened back there?
I believe that I was-

Let's talk bottom line.
I'm in love with you.

No, actually, you're not.
You just think you are.

It comes from living
in an all-male dorm.

Oh? You lived in one?

Well, yeah, I used
to work for the cia,

But... What?

Rand.

Wow. What is it?

I was complimenting
my date.

Uh-huh.

I said, "hey,
what a great mole. "

Oh, blimp, you didn't.

And she got pissed.

What do you expect?

Well, now what do I do?

Well, I don't know.
Don't-look,

Don't ask me.
Go ask coach, all right?

Go on.
Blimp: All right.

No, thanks.

� ooh, my little pretty one,
my pretty one �

� when you gonna give me
some time, Sharona? �

� ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run �

� got me comin' off
of the line, Sharona �

� runnin' down the length
of my thigh, Sharona �

It's a little bit on
the Hawaiian punch side.

So, you're Tracy Hoover?

Are you related
to the school or something?

Or something.

My great-grandfather
founded it.

Yeah? That's too bad he didn't
found it someplace warmer.

Well, I guess
he wasn't thinking.

Well, that's ok. It happens
to me sometimes, too, you know.

You're gonna
think I'm crazy.

No, never.

Wait, you haven't
heard it yet.

It's like this. I mean,
the first moment I saw you,

I mean, it was wow!

I was nailed.
Gone. Dead.

I didn't even know you,
and you're breakin' my heart.

I'm flattered, I think.

Well, you should be,

'cause I've only felt
that way about Pia Zadora.

Excuse me.
I believe there was

Some sort of confusion
on the line, Woodrow.

You see, daphne here
was to be your escort,

And tracy was to be mine.

Believe me,
there was no confusion.

Everything is copacetic.
Let's dance.

Just don't look at me.

� ooh, my little pretty one,
my pretty one �

� when you gonna give me
some time, Sharona? �

� ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run �

� got me comin'
off of the line, Sharona �

So, what's the story
with you and Bif?

We date. Why?

Oh, yeah?

Do you enjoy
dating boring guys?

Where did they get
these morticians from?

Hey, you guys know anything
from the 20th century?

All right.

Break time!

Band member: 1, 2...

1, 2, 3!

That's right.
He's my best friend.

He learned it
from me. Uh-huh.

Come on, Tracy,
what do you say?

Why don't we
get out of here?

I've got a little
cold pheasant,

Some champagne
in the car.

No, no. Not now.

� I said there's something
I was bound to do �

Look at him. He's really
terrific, isn't he?

Tracy, I just bought
the new Neil Diamond tape.

� ooh, you got me, yeah �

� ooh, I'm yours �

� ooh,
you can't stop me, girl �

� you're so sexy,
you're really cool �

This man is gonna
wrinkle his clothes.

All right, Palmer!

What are you guys doin'?
I can't see!

Come on! Come back!

I can't see anything.
Look, will you just give me 'em?

Oops. Oh, come on,
Rand. Dunk for 'em.

Come on.
Look...

Ha ha ha!

You geeks dunk for them.

Oh, buzz off,
Palmer.

Or do you want
to dunk for 'em?

Sure.

Oh, right.
Captain flashdance.

� dum, dum, dum,
to the rescue �

� dum, dum,
dum, dum �

You have had it,
buddy!

Get him!
Get him!

Hey, you know,
no one's ever really

Stuck up for me
like that before.

Thanks.

Was that part of
the preppy credo, too?

Come on.

God...

That Palmer
is such an ass.

Harriman: When you
attend a function,

Like that dance last night,

You don't just
represent yourself,

You represent
Hoover academy,

Which made your actions
even that much more offensive.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

You're all dismissed,
except for you, Mr. Woodrow.

Well, it hasn't
taken you long

To become a disruptive
element around here, has it,

Mr. Woodrow?

Well,
I'm a fast worker.

Do you get
cable here?

'cause look. Whoa.
A lot of snow here.

I mean, it must
be the antenna.

You're testing me,
right? Huh?

Want to find out how
far your boundaries go?

And how far
you can push. You see?

Yeah, I know
about those things.

So, let me
give you an answer.

You can't push too far,
so straighten up,

Because right now
your toe's on the line

With old Darby Harriman
here. Out.

Rand: Look, if you
impress Tracy enough

To be invited
to the Hoover ball,

You better
learn from the master

How to behave.

That's great. Now watch.

You have to walk the right way
in a dinner jacket, all right?

Yeah, that's it.
That's good.

That's good, too, blimp.
All right.

Oh, that's great.
You see how he did it?

I mean, you don't just,
like, stick it in your face,

Light it, and suck.
You gotta have style with it.

Yeah, like that.
That's good.

Bartender:
May I help you, sir?

Chivas and soda, please.

You look
like a chivas man.

Nothing for me.
I don't indulge.

Well, Mr. Woodrow,
I've read about your father.

He's somewhat of an
industrial mystery man,

Isn't he?

Well, he is
to me, sir.

Say, did you
tie this thing?

Wow! You did!
That's a bitch.

You ought to invest
in one of these.

It's only
a few dollars,

But it's
well worth it, sir.

Proves my point.
Money can't buy breeding.

I'd say you can't
rent it, either.

Excuse me, madam.

Wonderful gathering.
Wonderful gathering.

Hi.
Hi.

Your father talks great.
Is he a foreigner?

Uh, no.
Close, though.

He did go to Harvard.

Eddie: Great ducks.

You like them?

Those are the famous
Peabody ducks.

They live upstairs
on the roof,

And every morning,
they come down

To play
in the fountain.

Hey, yo, duck.
Are you preppy or regular?

Quack! God,
these things are so cute.

Oh, they're even cuter
with a bing cherry sauce.

What's wrong, Woodrow?

The bowling leagues
didn't meet tonight?

Bif. Palmer, we're going
up to the ballroom now, ok?

Mother.

Go ahead on up.
I'll be right up.

Could you please
take this?

Hey!

Hey. If it makes you
feel any better,

You're not the first
person to do that.

Well, it doesn't.

Why don't you go up
with your friends?

Why?

Because I'm not going
upstairs like this

And be the party dork.

Ah. Well, it is gonna
be pretty boring.

I really don't feel
like going up myself.

It is a shame to waste
all these nice clothes.

Come on. Why don't we do
something really elegant?

Yeah.

I love this kind
of food,

'cause you never
have to clean up.

I don't have to clean up.

What does yours say?

"Oh, a-boy,

A-you are going
to a-score tonight. "

Mine says,

"Oh, a-boy,

Is this guy you're with
a dreamer or what?"

What.

You know, you don't seem
like a Palmer Woodrow.

What does that mean?

You know.

Palmer Woodrow.

It's just too stuffy
for words.

you're not like that.

You're...

Human?

Yeah.

Well, Palmer Woodrow
is my nickname.

Eddie is my real name.

Eddie?

Well, actually, um,
Eddie's my middle name.

Palmer "Eddie" Woodrow?

I think I'll
call you Palmer.

Besides, I don't
think my parents

Would let me
date an Eddie.

Would they let you
kiss one?

Mr. Hoover:
Mr. Woodrow.

I think we've seen quite
enough of you tonight.

Bif: Well,
you know how I hate

To talk about
a fellow student, sir,

But, uh,
it's Palmer Woodrow.

Get to the point,
Hamilton.

He's just not our kind.

And it pains me

To see the Hoover image
stained like this.

Stained?

Stained.

Besmirched.

Especially when Hoover's
in such need of contributions.

Why, when I told my father
what happened last night,

He said he didn't know
if he could support a school

That would tolerate
a Palmer Woodrow.

All right, Hamilton,
what did happen last night?

Well, gosh, sir,
I hate to, uh...

Hamilton!

Woodrow got
very drunk last night

At the, uh,
Hoover charity ball.

He humiliated the students
and the Hoovers.

Believe me, sir, all the Hoovers
want to see him out.

Come on!
Get out of there!

Would you-
move over to the-

Stupid game.

Mccrowsky, get over here!
Right there!

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
Get back to the bench!

Come on, we've got it!

Attention! Attention!
You guys suck!

Hoover! Hoover! Hoover!

What the hell
is Woodrow doing?

Diversionary tactic, sir?

Hey!

He's crazy.

He's cute, though.
Yeah.

He's real cute.

She's got her eye
on Palmer.

Look at that ass
Woodrow.

Get-what are you
doing with that?

All right,
get in there.

And try not to
fall down again.

Aah!

Eddie: Yo!

Let's show him some fancy
stick work, huh?

Wise up, asshole.

Isn't this
a terrific surprise?

Muffy drove all the way
from Mount Hollyhock.

Shame she missed Palmer,
huh?

So, uh, we'll entertain her.
What do you say, buddy?

Poor baby.

God, you have
terrible posture.

I'm always telling Palmer
to stand up straight.

You take it easy, buddy.
See you later?

Look...

I want to explain
about that girl.

Ha. There's
no explanation needed.

I just didn't think
she was your type.

She's not.

You are.

Look, I-I want to
go out with you tonight.

well, I'm busy.

Come on, let's go.

Forever?

Tracy.

Tracy, come on!

Tracy!

Everybody out here!
It's fire drill!

Fire drill time!

Let's make it quiet.

Let's make it quick.

All right?

Go!

Code blue.

Come on.

17 minutes
and 11 seconds

For a fire drill?

I am disappointed.

Boy: Move over.

Have you seen Palmer
anywhere?

Uh-uh.

Blimp:
Oh, God. Rand.

Tracy:
Hello?

Eddie:
Hi, Tracy.

Shit.

I don't have anything
to say to you, ok?

Tracy. Palmer.

Tracy.
Tracy, come here.

If people have
enough money,

They ought to be taught
how to spend it properly.

Tracy, would you kindly
inform Palmer Woodrow

That you understood
his admiration

After the first
6 dozen roses?

Anything more
is wretched excess.

Tracy:
Oh, Palmer.

When you told me
how much you loved riding,

I couldn't remember
whether you said

You preferred
a hunter-jumper,

A Tennessee walker,

Or just a good
old-fashioned trail horse.

It doesn't matter.

We're going to have time
to do everything.

Regis.
Regis: Yes.

Tracy: Mr. Woodrow here
is an expert rider.

Regis: Why don't you
mm-hmm. Saddle up

Chained lightning
for him, ok?

You're going to love
this horse.

He's great.

I'll meet you
outside, ok?

I'll saddle
the motherfucker,

But I sure hope you got
life insurance.

Um...

Whoa, whoa,
lightning.

It's me, Regis.

I ain't going to play
with you now.

You got anything
old and slow

In maybe a white,
a light brown?

You don't know a damn thing
about horses, do you?

Well, that's not true.

That, uh, thing-

That big thing that
she was on out there,

That's a horse, right?

That ain't no horse.

This is a horse.

Heh heh heh heh!

You know, acting crazy ain't
going to help you none.

Yeah, but if
I break my leg,

I'm not going
to have to ride him.

Chained lightning's going
to break more than that.

Tracy: I'm going to go
warm up Buttercup.

Easy.

What are these for?

You steer with them.

But most important,

Pull hard to stop-

Real hard.

How do you make it move?

All you got to say

Is g-o.

Just say go?

Aah!

This is how
you take a boot off.

Turn around.

No, no.
Face the other way.

Come on.
Trust me.

Now you-you pull,

I'll push.
Ready?

Yeah?
Ok. Yeah.

Now, I don't want
to put your horse-

Put your horse down
or anything,

But it's got no heart.

See, it just saw
that flock of cobras,

And, I don't know,
it just jumped up,

Reared,
and just threw me.

Oops.

Cobras, my ass.

Regis...

Why did you bring
3 glasses?

Well, I thought
he might want some.

Regis...

Haven't you got
something to do?

I'm doing it.

Look...

You don't have
to pretend for me.

What?

I know
all about you

And your family.

What-what do you mean?

My father told me.

The sense of tradition

And social belonging

And feeling comfortable
with your wealth-

It all comes in time.

You don't have
to feel embarrassed,

And you don't have
to try to impress me

Just because you come
from new money.

You see,

What's important is that
you are what you are.

You're genuine.

That's what I like
about you.

Yeah, me, too.

Ha ha ha ha!

Regis.

I'm going, I'm going.

Uh, holler
if you want any more.

� morning, afternoon,
and night �

� we lay together
side by side �

� searchin' for lust �

� searchin' for breath �

� searchin'
for the touch of life �

� no words are spoken �

� the only sound
we hear is �

� body talk �

� the heat of passion �

� is such
a beautiful thing �

� as it overflows �

� pleasure grows �

� all the dreams
it can bring �

� mmm,
you're using your eyes �

� and gentle sighs �

� with body talk �

� body talk �

� clean and calm,
so soft and pure �

� a touching moment �

� inner feelings,
once explored �

� but have noted �

� we were 2 souls
torn apart �

� with bitter pages �

� through expression,
not aggression �

� we have become �

� one �

� body talk �

Men...

For the past 5 years,

Hoover academy

Has averaged the lowest
S.A.T. scores

In the english-speaking
world.

Student:
Yay, Hoover.

Well, that ends today.

I'm going to give
you guys

A few cardinal rules
to follow.

First of all...

It is almost never
the letter "e. "

Good luck.

Boy:
Yeah, wait up.

� flex it �

� flex it tonight �

Dice man.

Woman: Hi, Eddie.

Nicky, what are you
doing here?

Eddie, what?

No Christmas card?

No Valentine candy?

I'm a very delicate
human being.

Yeah, I was gonna...

I was gonna
call you, you know?

You've caused me
a great deal of hurt,

Not to mention

Causing Nicky
a great deal of pain.

Yeah, well, I was going
to come and see you.

I mean, there was-

I don't doubt it.
I don't doubt it.

Shut your mouth
when I talk to you.

Get over here.

We've got a problem.

You see, you owe me

$10,625.

3,700.

Interest.

Are you prepared
at this point in time

To make
full restitution?

When you say "at this point
in time," do you mean now?

Yeah.

No.

Eddie, not good.
Wrong answer.

You know, you look
like a fish when I do-

Look at him.
Look, like a gup-

Hey, you punks
can be hamburger meat

In 60 seconds.

Cop a walk.

The beauty of it is,
they think I'm kidding.

Heh heh heh! I crack
myself up, you know that?

Listen, Eddie, Eddie,

I understand you're being
paid a considerable sum

To attend
Hoover academy.

No. I get the money
when I graduate.

The interest alone
will bury you,

But I'll tell you what-

You're enterprising.

Find a way.

You got 72 hours.

Eddie: Ok, 9.

9's the point.

The point is 9.

Earn while
you learn, boys.

Earn while you learn.

Give it a little touch
here. Yeah.

Boy: Lights out.
Lights out.

All: Aw...

Boy: 7.

That's a loser.

I thought 7
was a winner.

Only on
the come out one.

Ok? Only on
the come out one.

But a 7
is very close.

It's very close.

You're getting
the hang of this game.

Come on, Sidney,
give it a try.

Try it.

Come on, Sidney,
let's go.

Come on.
You can do it.

I'm here to help you.

You baby.

Eddie:
Coach?

I want to settle
yesterday's bets.

You played the Lakers.
The Lakers are losing.

Come on, Sidney,
let's go.

Let's give it a try here.

Come on. I'm right here.
I'm going to help you over.

All right, Woodrow,
what do I owe you?

110 bucks.

110 bucks?
Aah!

Somebody want to get
the first aid kit?

And a mop.

Let me say once again

That whatever grant
your foundation designates

For the Hoover academy,

It'll be greatly
appreciated

And immediately reflected
in improvements

That will impact
student life.

We want to thank you
again for coming.

It's just a pleasure
to have you on the campus.

Take a look
at our facility.

And by the way,
let me remind you

About the reception
tonight.

Be sure to attend.
It'll give you a chance

To meet some of
the other faculty members,

As well as some of our
representative students.

Yeah.

Rand: Well, maybe
this dice man character

Will take a check.

Oh, oh, Muffy
called you earlier.

You mean Palmer or Bif?

Palmer. She's pissed because
you've been avoiding her.

Said she'd be here
this weekend

For a confrontation.
Heh heh.

What's the difference?

I'm going to be dead
by this weekend anyway.

Palmer:
� la la la la la �

� la la la la la �

Hey!

Bonjour, boys.

Palmer,
what-what are you...

What the hell
are you doing here? Yeah.

I'm checking up
on my investment.

Do you mind?

Hey, who is
reading this?

I mean, give me
a break, will ya?

Emily post does not know
dick about etiquette.

I've been through
this whole book,

And there's not
one chapter on farting.

Hey! Hey!

Man, this is
pinpoint Oxford.

Well, aren't you
Mr. Hoity-toity?

I thought you were
in Europe

Or in a Turkish prison
or something.

Paris ain't all
it's cracked up to be

In the springtime,
mon frere.

Besides,
it's amazing

How suspicious
your parents can get

When you're using
their credit cards, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Rand, will you get
your skinny ass

Off my fries, please?

Aw, look at that.

God.

Palmer...

You know,

You being here,

You may be able to solve
a few problems.

Yeah? Like what?

Like Muffy, who has
been looking for you

All year long.

And what else?

Who's this guy,
the auto shop teacher?

Ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha!

Hey, the 72 hours
isn't up yet.

Auto shop teacher?

Heh.
How amusing.

Heh heh heh.
Get over here.

Rand: Wait,
you can't-aah!

What's this,
Gumby goes to school?

Get over here.

If you don't
kill me,

I'll buy you
a new gold chain.

Save your money
for a pine box.

Get in here.

Eddie.

I don't have the money
that you want,

So you're wasting your time
and your very fine wardrobe.

You know, Eddie,

It greatly disturbs me
that being in my presence

Makes you want to shit
in your pants.

This is a celebration.

I have made
a momontous decision.

After consultating
with Nicky,

I find the only way
I have to collect my money

Is if you graduate,
am I correct?

Yes.

Fine.

Now, because I love you
like a brother-

And I mean that, Eddie.

It comes from the heart.
I mean it-

The left aorta,
the vein that pumps love.

I'm gonna cut you a deal.

You're to collect $10,000
when you graduate.

Keep 50 bucks
for yourself,

And I get the rest.

50 bucks?

Now, you're not
being released

Totally on your own
recognizance.

I mean, you've been known
to screw up in the past.

For this very reason,

Nicky and myself
will remain

To make sure
you do not so choose

To do so again.

Um, I-I don't think

That this is
a very good decision.

I, however,

Think it's
a brilliant idea-

Brilliant.

Is there now
a full understanding

Between all parties
concerned, Eddie?

Uh, if that means
you and me,

Yes.

Good.

Let us now commence...

celebrating.

Dice: Yo, we ran out
of chicks.

Hey, Dice, Dice.

You know,
if I get kicked out,

You're not going to get
any of your money.

What, you can't have
a little fun?

I'm going to entertain
your friends.

What are you
worried about? Here.

Don't worry about it.

Everybody out, ok?

Just-just-
just go, ok?

All: Ooh.

Rand: Help! Ah ha!

Ah ha! Ah ha!

Palmer, help!

� this is the end �

Mommy!

� you make your choice,
and now the chance is over �

� I thought I was in �

� you put me down
and see I'm goin' nowhere �

Would you lay off the skull?

I-I-I work a long time
on my head,

And you rattle
my brains.

It-I get confused,
you know what I mean?

It's good stuff.
Ha ha.

This must be
the building.

Hear the music?

It must be upstairs.

My, it's awfully loud,
isn't it?

Well, Mr. Harriman said
there'll be some students here.

I guess that's why.

You know, I have
very good feelings

About this school.

And I'm usually right
about these things.

You should be paying me
to go here, man.

You're a jerk.
This is a school.

I know. Is this some fabulous
educational system?

Huh? Huh?

Party's over!

Boy: Fire!

Good God, this
could be flammable!

There's a fire!

Pbbt.

Oh!

You two stay here.

This could be dangerous.

You disappoint me,
Woodrow.

You really
disappoint me.

Your academic
achievement

Showed such promise,

And now this.

You cost this school
a much needed grant

Because you're cavorting
all over the Hoover campus

With some-who knows
what kind of trash.

I don't understand you.

I mean, you come
from a good f-

Well, a rich family.

Level with me, Woodrow,
will you?

You're not some kind of
a mental case, are you?

Because I don't
need that right now.

I really don't.

Starting today,
you are on probation.

And if you want to
continue your education

At the Hoover academy,

I suggest you get your
father here immediately.

Um...

Well, my father, he's-
he's in europe on business.

That's your problem.

Get him here.

Well, forget it, man. You'll
never get my father here.

You're talking about
blowing the whole thing.

I never quite got the hang
of this game, did you?

Look, look...

If I don't produce
a father,

The whole thing's
gonna blow lunch.

Don't get testy
with me.

I'm doing my share.
I'm taking care of Muffy,

And I'm supplying
the capital.

Well, make sure you do
take care of Muffy.

I mean, she could blow
this whole thing for us.

Look, will you guys
not sweat it, please?

Tact is my middle name.

How could I let us
drift apart like that?

How could I forget
how much I want you?

I must have you...

Now!

Eee! Aah!

That was fabulous.

Oh, Jeez, I got a Red sox
game I got to see.

Look, it was great
for me.

I hope it was
fabulous for you.

Ahh.

Alphonse. Alphonse.

Alphonse. Hey, hey,
I'm through, ok?

Knock it off, will you?
Here's for your trouble.

Better be getting back
to the restaurant.

Oh, by the way, I never
want to see you again.

Send in Mr. Woodrow
and his father.

Mr. Woodrow.

Well, I wish
we were meeting

Under different
circumstances.

I appreciate
your coming.

Well, one must
always make time

For one's children.

Right. Yeah.

Of course.
Ahem.

Oh. Thank you.
Uh...

Now, I'm sure
that you can appreciate

That education
is my life.

I mean, my love.

Now, I'm convinced
that there's no such thing

As a bad boy.

Believe me, those convictions
have been tested

By your son.

I know Palmer
is not perfect.

He's no chateau
Lafitte-Rothschild '56,

But he ain't-he isn't
Beaujolais '76, either,

Which, as we all know,

Showed great promise,
but failed to develop.

Palmer will develop-

Robustly.

That's an interesting
analogy.

It's not one that
I would've thought of,

But probably
quite accurate.

But don't think that
I fail to appreciate

What you're doing-

The service
that Hoover prep

Renders these boys.

In fact,

I was contemplating

Some way of expressing
my appreciation.

Uh, perhaps...

You could help me.

Yes.

Yeah. As a matter
of fact,

Absolutely.

Well, you know,
the old library

Has served us well
for years, but now...

I've always wondered
what that building was.

Well, tradition
has its place,

But a better library

Means
better students.

The Woodrow
memorial library.

Uh, dad, don't you have
a plane to catch?

Back to Mars.

Functional, I suppose,

But hardly contemporary.

The James Beard
gymnasium.

You don't mind
if I call it

After one
of my personal heroes?

The dormitories-
I must see those.

A pleasant ambiance
is essential.

Well, Mr. Woodrow,

I feel much better
about Palmer-

Much better.

In fact,
I see no reason why

He should remain
on probation.

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk.
No favoritism.

If Palmer
is on probation,

Then he must earn
his way off.

What?

That's a refreshing
sentiment.

Oh...

Thank you.

No. There mustn't be
any preferential treatment.

That doesn't build
character in a man.

Isn't that what Hoover
is all about?

I can't believe
you said that, Nicky.

How could you say
something like that?

I thought
I did well.

Well, Nicky?

You went psycho on me.

The Woodrow
memorial library?

He's probably going
to hold up my diploma

Until the new dorm's
built.

Let him earn his way
off probation?

Thanks, Nick.

I was merely echoing
my father's belief

That you spare the rod
and spoil the child.

Yeah, well, it's too bad
he didn't believe

In birth control.

Listen, when you went
in there,

They was ready
to kick you out.

Now they're ready
to kiss your ass.

So, you graduate.

Then I take away
my donation money, ok?

So now you're a hero.

Hey? Huh?

Among the modern
society dances,

The waltz
is the most important.

The origins
of many of the dances

Are rather obscure.

� I'm back �

And I'm better
than ever, baby.

Took care of Muffy,

Gave her the old
hot beef injection,

And left her
begging for more.

Hey, who's this,
friar tuck?

Nice build, kid.

Uh, Blimp, I'd like you
to meet Eddie,

Palmer's
retarded cousin.

Palmer? Palmer?

Where is the old sot?

Sot?

He's eating dinner
with his father.

And how is
old daddykins?

I guess
daddykins is fine,

Because Palmer hasn't
been back to pack.

No?
Well, then,

Let's celebrate.

For you, Little John,
a muttonchop

And a gift of bacchus

With which
to wash it down.

It's all right.
He's schizo.

Thinks he's Errol Flynn
once in a while.

Come, you must join
my merry band,

And then you, too,
may laugh like this-

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha!

A manly laugh for
manly men such as we.

Aah!

Mr. Hoover.
Hi.

Can I help you
with something?

I was looking
for young Woodrow.

I have a little something here
for him and his father.

He's out, but his cousin
the retard's here.

Weren't you the host
on creature features?

I'm sorry I missed him.

There's so much
to talk about

Since his exciting meeting
with headmaster Harriman.

Would you see
that he gets this?

Oh, sure.

With my regards.

Hey, Boris, suck a few
necks for me tonight,

Huh, buddy?

After you.

Ooh!
Ha ha ha!

Big comedy.

Hey.

Jeez, don't you think you're
taking this fitting-in bit

A little too far?

I know you won't
take this personally,

But you look like
a real asshole

In that outfit.

Sounds to me like you guys
are a little jealous.

Maybe I'm better at this
than you are.

Oh, yeah? Well, at least
I took care of Muffy

Without promising to build
her a fucking library.

Are you going
to be here long?

Because I think
you're going to make things

Very untidy.

What are you
talking about?

We're at
the finish line, man.

Besides, I'm lovable,
I'm affable,

And I pay for
half of this room.

Where are you going?

I thought we were going
to go to a movie.

Do I look like I'm dressed
for the movies?

Yeah, but you said-

Randall...

Please, don't whine

And don't
cramp my style.

Hey, he's getting real
good at this, you know?

I mean, he's turning
into a real scumbag.

The fox certainly is
an elusive animal.

Palmer!

Hey, Palmer!

Hey, chump!

Good ride, Palmer.

You know, I shouldn't be
at all surprised

If we're looking
at this year's winner

Of the Hoover award.

Right. See you up
at the house for cocktails.

All right?
Yes, sir.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.

What do you want?

Now, that ain't
no way to talk

To your old buddy
Regis.

I have
to mingle,

Be social.

How would you like it
if I bring chained lightning

By to mangle you?

Hey, look, what is
your problem here?

I mean,

You're not really starting
to get into this, are you?

Is that wrong?

It's how you live.

No, no. You're
missing the point.

Hello, ladies.

that's how
my family has lived

For a very long time.

This is not
how I think.

Oh, you think
I've changed.

Well, I haven't. I'm still
the same lovable guy.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think
the same lovable guy

Would let daddy buy him
the Hoover award.

What does that crack mean?

Aw, shit! Ohh!

Good guess.

Muffy: Bif!

Bif.

Uh...

I forgot to tell you.

Bif is my middle name.

Bif is
your middle name.

Hey, Muffy,
great to see you,

But, hey, sorry,
it's bad timing.

We're really on the run
here with finals.

Tracy.

How you doing?

Fine.
Is that for me?

No.

It's a peace offering
for Palmer.

Oh. Well, if you want
to catch him,

You'd better hurry.

He just ran off with
a Muffy something or other.

Eddie: If you really
want to be with me,

Sneak into
the dorm tonight.

The dorm?
Why not?

Gosh, Tracy, he sure
sees a lot of her, too.

You know, I just don't know
how he can keep track

Of who he's dating.

Yeah.
Look, here.

Heh heh.

Ok, Bif,

You better be worth it.

Where's Bif Hamilton?

Back off, buster.

Mmm.

Bif?

Bif.

Sir...

I think that you know
how much this hurts me-

How much it hurts me

To squeal on
a fellow student-

But it's Bif, sir.

He has a girl
in his room.

Damn.

We'll see
what Palmer thinks of this.

Bif: Skip?

Where the hell is bugs?

Well, you must've
done something.

I mean, Tracy's
not just pissed at you

For the sake
of being pissed.

Any of you gentlemen
seen Palm-

There you are.
Ha ha!

You rascal. I've been
hunting all over for you.

Uh, how do you think
your finals are going?

Good, I hope, because
it'd be embarrassing

If you didn't win

That Hoover memorial
award this year.

I mean, after your father
and his business manager

Set up that wonderful
fund for us.

All: What?

He didn't tell you
about it, huh?

Oh, it's really
quite simple.

You see, for
every dollar raised

And put into the fund
by the academy,

He matches it
with a dollar.

And, of course,
that...

That wonderful business
manager of his-

What's his name?
Diceman?

Uh, he's going
to administer

The fund for us.

Oh, that's-
that's great.

yeah.

You-

Do I know you?

Exchange student...

From Slobovia.

Oh, yeah, I think I remember
hearing about that.

Well, I got to get down
to the gym.

Wordman and I
are playing

A little one-on-one
basketball.

I'm quite good, really.

I can't believe it.

Look, we're going to
have to tell the school

Everything, all right?
Everything.

No way.

The Dice man's
going to say

That we're
part of the scam.

Phony student,
phony father-

Real jail.

Don't look at me.
I did my part.

I took care of Muffy.
Muffy took care of Bif.

I did my part.
Just give me my diploma.

Yeah, well, you know what?
I'm through.

I'm finished, all right?

You have been treating me
like dog shit, Mr. BMOC,

And you haven't been
very nice, either,

You know, Palmer?

I'm rich. I don't
have to be nice.

Don't sound
so depressing.

Ok?

It's depressing.

Rand: Eddie?

What are you doing?

I can't sleep.

I'm gonna see Tracy.

Ohh.

Ohh!
What, what?

Is there a party?
What? I'll go.

Come on,
come on.

Can I have a refill
on this, please?

� takin' the brakes off �

� yeah �

� takin' the brakes off �

Rand: Hey, wait!

Are you nuts?
Are you crazy?

You're stealing
Bif's car!

So what?

Palmer: Is this just
a harmless campus hijink?

I mean, I'm in
no personal danger, am I?

Look, Eddie, you could
be expelled for this.

I'm scared!
We're going to crash!

We're going to die!
I'm scared!

I don't want to die!
It hurts to die!

I'm scared!
We're going to crash!

Will you shut up?

Oh, my god,
we're going to crash!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

There. There.

I arranged
a crash for you.

Ok? So there's nothing
more to be afraid of.

My God, it was zero Gs
there for a minute.

� lead all the rats
tomorrow �

Rand: Oh, my God!

Now the Hoovers are going
to kill us, too.

� takin' the brakes off �

My parents-my parents
are going to kill me!

My little sister,
she's going to kill me!

7 years of prep school
down the tubes.

God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ngh!

You're unstable,
aren't you?

Rand:
Let's get out of here.

Please take me back.
You're crazy.

I don't want to be here.
I don't like it here.

Then leave.
I'm gonna see Tracy.

It's 3:00
in the morning.

What is she,
a fucking vampire?

You think
she'll talk to you

Because you throw a rock
through her window?

Well, she isn't
going to talk to me

After Dice and Nicky
swindle the school.

You want to wake her up?
I'll wake her up.

Ngh!

No, no! Shh, shh!

Hey, honey,

Yo!

What are you
doing?

Aah!

Hey, what are you
doing here?

I live here,
remember?

I couldn't sleep,
so I decided

To take a walk
around my house.

Well, that is
terrific,

Because I couldn't
sleep, either.

Listen, I've been
calling you all day.

We have to talk.

No.

If I would've wanted
to talk to you,

I would've.

Now, would you
please go away?

No. Listen,
listen, listen.

I stole a car.

I-I skipped
off campus.

I drove across
your lawn.

I mean, that's
worth 5 minutes.

Palmer:
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You wouldn't mind
if I went in the house,

Made myself a sandwich,
got a little coffee, would ya?

I didn't think
you would. Thank you.

Come on.

Well, I guess I'll just
stay and watch the car.

Eddie: I'm just asking
you to hear me out.

So you're going
to sit here,

And you're going
to listen to me.

There is nothing
you can say.

Look, I saw you with
Muffy again the other day.

Oh, come on,
that's Muffy.

I can explain that.

No.
It's not that.

It's you.

What you are and
what I thought you were

Are 2 completely
different things.

I guess it's my fault.

I've been looking
for something

That wasn't even there.

You think that
this has changed me,

Right?
Yes.

Well, you're wrong.

I don't even know you
anymore.

God, that makes me
so sad.

Tracy.

Tracy, don't go.

Uhh.

How'd it go?

Ah.

Uhh.

Great blt.

I think the mayonnaise
is a little funny.

I hallucinated
I saw that guy

Who looked like
Boris Karloff

In there again.

Shit!

Mmm.

Boy, I tell you,
that sexual tension

Is murder, man.

It'll scar you
for life.

What, are we
walking back?

We're walking back?

Can't you steal
another car?

Bif: Mr. Harriman,
I swear to you,

I don't know
how it got there.

I parked it in the lot,

I went up to my room,

And I studied diligently
all night.

Don't make me puke,
Hamilton.

All I know is,
it's your car,

It was
the Hoovers' yard,

And you're expelled.

But, sir, I-

You're expelled.

Get out of here.

Moi?

Expelled?

Aw, but...

Bif: I had plans.

I can't go
to summer school.

I don't know anybody
who goes to summer school.

Woman: All right.

Take a hike, Gumby.

Hey, nice dress.

If I knew they turned you
into a freak of nature,

I would've made you
a dicette.

Had I known about
your scam-

You would've done exactly
what you're doing now-

Cooperating.

I didn't want anything
to do with this, Eddie.

But he did not want to
jeopardize our friendship.

Look...

We'll all prosper.

What do you care about
these people, anyway?

If they knew
who you were,

You couldn't
kiss their ass.

He's right, Eddie.
He's right.

I'm always right.

I'm ingeniousal.

Whew.

Kid's got
an attitude.

Yeah, he's got
an attitude.

Shut up.

Do you have
any drugs?

Mr. Hoover:
Mr. Woodrow.

Uh...

Woman: Ha ha ha!

Mr. Woodrow. Mr. Woodrow,
I'm delighted to see you.

Why don't you come this way
to the auditorium

Where we can talk?

Excuse me. Are you
the gentleman they call dice?

No, I'm
the tooth fairy.

Yeah, I'm dice.
Who are you?

I drive for
the real Mr. Woodrow.

Ahem.

Yeah? What's that
supposed to mean to me?

Mr. Woodrow can explain.

Unless you'd prefer
to have the authorities

Do the explaining.

That's all right.

When I have my diploma,
mon ami.

Well, it's hard for me
to believe-

Another school year
past,

Another Hoover class
graduating...

Pretty outrageous
disguise, eh, guys?

Sort of rive gauche,
don't you think, huh?

If Muffy recognizes me,
I'm dead meat.

Harriman:
Preparation-

Preparation
to deal with

Those less fortunate
than ourselves,

That great mass
of people.

Your dirty little scam

Ends today,

And I will personally
take care of

That wacko hot dog salesman
impersonating me

And that punk
impersonating my son.

'cause as I see it,

You're the little fish
in this scam.

They're the brains.

Oh, yes, sir.

As a matter of fact,

They had me sucked
into this whole thing

Before I even knew
what was going on.

I mean, I'm a song-
and-dance man by trade.

This tomfoolery
doesn't hold water with me.

Randall Weatherby.

Palmer E. Woodrow.

Hobart Yarborough.

And last but not least,

Edmund Zucchini.

Excuse me. Zuchini.

I speak for all of us here
when I say we're darn proud.

Ha ha. Darn proud.

You've had
a Hoover education,

And a Hoover education
is an expensive education,

And that's worth something.

Now it gives us
great pleasure

To introduce
Mr. Thorndike Hoover

To present this year's
annual Hoover memorial award.

Thorndike.

Thank you.

Well, this certainly is
an exciting moment, isn't it?

I want to save my family

Further embarrassment.

To do that,
you disappear.

We understand
each other?

Dice: Oh, yes, sir.

If you interfere,

Things could
become unpleasant.

Here's your ticket.

You take your song-and-
dance act on the road.

You like Al Pacino?

Watch this.

I'm dyin' over here.

I can't take it.
Everybody's comin' down at me.

Oh,
he doesn't like Pacino.

How was I to know
he didn't like Pacino?

Have a nice flight,
jerk-off.

Ha ha ha.

But enough of
my World war II experiences.

It-it's time for this most
important announcement.

It gives me great pleasure

To announce
this year's recipient

Of the Hoover
memorial award.

Mr. Palmer Woodrow.

I'd like to, uh,
thank Mr. Hoover

And, uh,
the board of trustees

And, uh...

Uh, the entire faculty here
at Hoover academy.

Uh, this award
means a lot to me.

Um, more than I think
any of you can imagine,

Because for the first time
in my life,

I did something
that a lot of people,

Including myself,

Didn't think I could do.

And, uh,
that makes me very proud.

Thank you.

I just got one more thing.

Um...

We're gonna see what
kind of sense of humor

You guys have.

You know how when
I said before how, uh...

Proud I was, you know,

'cause for the first time
in my life

I didn't screw up?

Well, that's not-
that's not the whole truth.

See, I did screw up.

He didn't say
anything to me.

Um, I forgot who I was.

And when I did that,

I hurt the most important
person in my life.

It was the one person
who could have said, uh...

"Hey, you know,

"I don't care if you're,
uh, Palmer Woodrow

Or Eddie Keaton. "

Because, uh...

Um...

Here's the joke. Ha.

That's who I am.

I'm, uh,
I'm Eddie Keaton

From Jersey.

I was, uh,
I was hired

To play Palmer Woodrow.

I did a good job, too.

I did. Uh... I got
a cashier's check, uh...

A red Porsche.

I'm the kind of guy that,
uh, most of you people

Wouldn't let
into your house.

And, uh...

And this guy, here,

The one who's gonna give
all the money to the school,

He's, uh, he's a hot dog vendor
in my neighborhood.

woman: What?

And his business manager,
he's my bookie.

Woman: No!

Woman: Oh, no!

Well...

I don't know about all you,
but, uh, I feel great. Ha.

So if you still want
to give out these awards,

I think maybe
you should give one

To the real Palmer Woodrow.

He's, uh, he's right here.

There in the fourth row.

I think you'll
like him a lot.

An award? For little old me?

Swell. Talk about
making a guy

Feel like part
of the team.

This is-thanks, Eddie.

Remind me to send you
a Christmas bomb.

Thanks a lot for this.

Uh, it'll look
great in my cell,

And we'll see you
next year at graduation.

Couldn't happen
to a nicer guy.

How could you let a thing
like this happen?

I-I'm sorry, mother.

You're an idiot.

Yes, mother.

There they are.
There they are!

Aah! Aah!

Hey, look who I found.

My favorite woman
in the whole world.

You didn't have me
fooled for a minute.

Favorite woman?

She's a phony, snooty
gold digger.

I know.
Isn't she great?

We can talk
to each other.

Aah ooh! Let go of me!
I'll kill 'em!

I'll kill 'em.
I'll kill 'em.

I'll kill 'em.
I'll k-

I just don't know
which one to kill first.

Tactical faux pas,
you blithering idiot.

This diploma
unlocks my trust fund,

And I can be very
generous if I want to.

I'm that kind of a guy.

I'll kill 'em!
I'll kill 'em!

Take him away.

This is the most
embarrassing day

In
Hoover history.

Well, it's certainly
embarrassing for me.

Imagine some impostor.

Money?

This is what it's all about?

Well, I'll just
endorse this check

Over to Hoover academy.

Anyone have a pen?

Rand: Yeah.

Hey!

Oh.

Ha ha.

What?

Am I a total idiot?

I earned this money.

And I am going
to enjoy it.

Aah! Aah!

Aah! I'll kill 'im!

Well, don't look at me.
I'm going to Rio.

Call you when I get back.

Come on, Rand.
This guy's my best friend.

I'm his only friend.

Come on, Muff.

Mrs. Hoover:
Come on, tracy. Tracy!

Palmer? Wait!

No! Palmer!

Eddie!

Mr. And Mrs. Hoover:
Tracy!

Eddie, wait!

So, uh...

How's tricks?

Are you sure?

I mean,
I'm not exactly, uh,

Mr. Alligator shirt,
you know.

� waking up �

� to the sound �

� that life is beating �

� to the drum �

� heaven bound �

� there's no defeating �

� straight ahead �

� movin' up �

� so don't mind me �

� if you think
it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� shake it up �

� take your stand �

� 'cause life
could throw you �

� oh, unexpected plans �

� don't be surprised �

� here's a word �

� to the wise, yeah �

� oh, don't mind me �

� if you think
it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� your life's a dance �

� gotta take a chance �

� livin' on the edge �

� ooh, yeah �

� yes �

� aah, yeah! �

� don't mind me �

� if you think
it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� shake it up �

� take your stand �

� 'cause life
could throw you �

� oh, unexpected plans �

� don't be surprised �

� here's a word �

� to the wise, yeah �

� oh, don't mind me �

� if you think
it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� your life's a dance �

� gotta take a chance �

� livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� oh, livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� I like
livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �