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1
00:00:01,536 --> 00:00:04,505
Oh! Oh, I cannot believe you.
2
00:00:04,673 --> 00:00:07,835
Are you out of your big fat Russian skull?
3
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,999
Of all the dumb stunts you've...
4
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,111
Nikolai, how could you do this?
5
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:17,740
- With KGB surveillance team. They...
- Not "how" how, you ass. "Why" how.
6
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,408
For record of activities in Krakow.
7
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:23,147
Oh, some blurry eight-millimeter of...
8
00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:25,518
No, we have the digital hi-def now.
9
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,889
Wonderful. So they can blow it up
for the jury at my treason trial.
10
00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:31,553
Is amazing, no loss of resolution...
11
00:00:31,731 --> 00:00:34,130
Damn your bloodshot eyes, I'm serious.
12
00:00:34,299 --> 00:00:35,994
I will not let that happen to you.
13
00:00:36,168 --> 00:00:39,467
You let this happen. And by doing so,
jeopardized our entire operation.
14
00:00:39,638 --> 00:00:42,300
Darling, please. Don't say that.
15
00:00:42,474 --> 00:00:44,839
I have no idea how this Ram�n Lim�n...
16
00:00:45,009 --> 00:00:47,910
... got the disk. He must have gone rogue.
17
00:00:48,079 --> 00:00:50,843
Oh, all Hispanics look roguish.
18
00:00:51,015 --> 00:00:53,040
The KGB had no idea about my plan.
19
00:00:53,217 --> 00:00:55,515
So please, do not blame Major Jakov.
20
00:00:55,686 --> 00:00:57,016
Oh, right, how could I?
21
00:00:57,187 --> 00:01:00,418
The important thing is that
the disk does not fall into the wrong hands.
22
00:01:00,590 --> 00:01:03,821
- You mean "wronger" hands.
- Like your government's. Or mine.
23
00:01:03,994 --> 00:01:07,896
I find it very surprising
that Castro okayed an operation...
24
00:01:08,064 --> 00:01:11,157
with such potential
to embarrass the Soviets.
25
00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:13,301
Well, he is unpredictable.
26
00:01:13,469 --> 00:01:17,269
Which is why I am planning ahead
for my retirement. In beautiful Miami.
27
00:01:17,439 --> 00:01:20,101
And so, here are the keys and the deed...
28
00:01:20,276 --> 00:01:22,266
to my condo in South Beach.
29
00:01:22,443 --> 00:01:25,207
A nice start to a new start.
30
00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:27,280
But what of the financial arrangements?
31
00:01:27,448 --> 00:01:31,043
You'll get the money when I get the disk.
And if you've made copies...
32
00:01:31,219 --> 00:01:35,120
I tried, but the Russian was smart
enough to copy-protect the disk.
33
00:01:35,289 --> 00:01:36,950
Yeah, he's a real genius.
34
00:01:37,124 --> 00:01:39,490
But if you try to double-cross me...
35
00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:41,389
Well, you should know what...
36
00:01:42,162 --> 00:01:44,687
kind of a man you are...
37
00:01:44,865 --> 00:01:47,025
dealing with.
- Oh, Ram�n.
38
00:01:47,199 --> 00:01:49,724
I think I know exactly
what kind of man you are.
39
00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:50,926
Uh, que?
40
00:01:51,103 --> 00:01:54,300
I said I could eat
the absolute pants off some shrimp.
41
00:02:25,902 --> 00:02:28,029
I don't suppose he's up.
No, mum.
42
00:02:28,204 --> 00:02:32,004
And from the looks of it,
not to mention the lemur...
43
00:02:32,175 --> 00:02:34,302
I would hazard
he's taking a personal day.
44
00:02:34,477 --> 00:02:36,341
The hell he is.
45
00:02:36,511 --> 00:02:38,001
Woodhouse, we got any lube?
46
00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:39,875
Like at this point even olive oil would...
47
00:02:41,516 --> 00:02:43,450
help me get that drawer unstuck.
48
00:02:43,618 --> 00:02:46,519
Jesus God, Sterling. Schoolgirls?
49
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:49,121
- Those are costumes.
- I suppose that makes it better?
50
00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:52,384
Doesn't it? Oh, uh, Woodhouse,
I told my guests you'd pack their lunch.
51
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,087
I'll do my best, sir. I'm afraid
the lemur got into the pudding cups.
52
00:02:56,263 --> 00:03:00,130
- Yeah, like I told you he would. You idiot.
- Will you please focus?
53
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:02,768
Now, I know you're familiar
with the honey pot.
54
00:03:02,936 --> 00:03:05,837
Seducing and blackmailing
a hot female enemy agent.
55
00:03:06,005 --> 00:03:07,666
I love the honey pot.
56
00:03:07,841 --> 00:03:09,240
I'm sure you do.
57
00:03:09,409 --> 00:03:11,900
But this time you may not
find the target...
58
00:03:12,078 --> 00:03:14,272
appealing.
- What, is it Pam?
59
00:03:14,446 --> 00:03:17,210
Seriously, whoever.
It's all the same in the dar... No.
60
00:03:17,383 --> 00:03:19,817
- Yes. Yes. Yes!
- No. No. Come on.
61
00:03:19,985 --> 00:03:23,512
- Have Gillette do this.
- Sterling, you're the only one I can trust.
62
00:03:23,689 --> 00:03:26,521
And don't even get me
started on Miss Gillette.
63
00:03:26,691 --> 00:03:29,023
She has never liked me.
64
00:03:29,193 --> 00:03:32,287
But someday I'm gonna
write a book about this place. Mm-hm.
65
00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,328
A real smackarooni.
66
00:03:34,499 --> 00:03:37,160
Sterling, please, I need your help.
67
00:03:37,334 --> 00:03:39,802
This Ram�n Lim�n is blackmailing me.
68
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,165
- With what? What's he got on you?
- It's...
69
00:03:42,339 --> 00:03:45,968
none of your nosy beeswax.
- Well, then it sucks to be you.
70
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:49,543
You'll be who it sucks to be
if I have to call my bridge partner.
71
00:03:49,712 --> 00:03:51,304
Oh, who's your bridge partner?
72
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,380
- The district attorney.
- So?
73
00:03:53,549 --> 00:03:57,645
Sir, that stolen lemur bit one
of your prostitutes right in the face...
74
00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,811
and she says she can't go to hospital...
75
00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:03,151
because she's, quote, "tripping balls."
76
00:04:04,859 --> 00:04:08,659
You know, when I was little,
I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
77
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,388
- Me too.
Bang.
78
00:04:10,565 --> 00:04:11,930
Bang.
79
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:14,329
Ew, kill. Bang.
80
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,526
- Shock.
- Shut up. Oh, my God, bang.
81
00:04:16,703 --> 00:04:19,365
- I hesitate to even ask.
- We're doing "Kill, Bang, Marry."
82
00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:22,100
- Again, hesitation.
- It's on the ISIS Intranet.
83
00:04:22,276 --> 00:04:26,007
You click through pictures of everybody
who works here, and say if you'd rather...
84
00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:30,240
- Kill them or bang or marry them.
- Wow, that is entirely inappropriate.
85
00:04:30,416 --> 00:04:32,941
That's what I said.
If you go through the whole list...
86
00:04:33,119 --> 00:04:35,110
you can see what everybody said.
87
00:04:35,288 --> 00:04:39,053
- Everybody? Like...?
- Like Lana. And if, I don't know...
88
00:04:39,224 --> 00:04:41,715
maybe she said "bang"
about Mr. Archer?
89
00:04:41,893 --> 00:04:43,622
- I got ups. Move it, chubs.
- Hey.
90
00:04:43,795 --> 00:04:46,787
Dr. Krieger's covert team
installed these surveillance cameras...
91
00:04:46,965 --> 00:04:48,933
while Lim�n was out
shopping yesterday.
92
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:51,033
Yup, we've got video and audio...
93
00:04:51,202 --> 00:04:53,864
with a satellite feed
back to these hard drives.
94
00:04:54,238 --> 00:04:56,604
- Same set-up I've got in my van.
- Jesus, Krieger.
95
00:04:56,774 --> 00:05:00,266
- You're still taping bum fights?
- No, now I'm into something...
96
00:05:00,444 --> 00:05:02,071
darker.
- Ahem!
97
00:05:02,246 --> 00:05:04,042
Since that obnoxious little Castro...
98
00:05:04,214 --> 00:05:06,876
is such a raging homophobe...
- Fidel hates the gays.
99
00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:11,009
It's a safe bet he'd have Ram�n killed
if he ever found out he was gay.
100
00:05:11,187 --> 00:05:13,246
- So once you seduce him...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
101
00:05:13,423 --> 00:05:15,890
I thought nobody else
was supposed to know about this.
102
00:05:16,058 --> 00:05:18,151
- He won't remember.
- Yeah, no, I'm...
103
00:05:18,327 --> 00:05:21,421
- I am shitfaced.
Miss Archer, phone call.
104
00:05:21,597 --> 00:05:23,690
- I'm busy.
- Um, we all are?
105
00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:27,165
- Bang. Uh, kill, I guess.
- Thanks a lot.
106
00:05:27,336 --> 00:05:29,565
- It's a bad picture, Pam.
He says it's urgent.
107
00:05:29,737 --> 00:05:31,500
Something about
developments in Krakow?
108
00:05:31,672 --> 00:05:33,799
Krakow? Oh, for...
109
00:05:33,975 --> 00:05:36,808
Sterling, get to Miami,
and don't come back...
110
00:05:36,978 --> 00:05:39,811
until you've completed
your assignment.
111
00:05:39,981 --> 00:05:42,414
- Taking one for the team, huh?
- Hopefully not.
112
00:05:42,582 --> 00:05:45,574
Well if you do, I've developed
a proprietary chemical compound...
113
00:05:45,752 --> 00:05:48,585
which may come in handy.
I call it Formula K.
114
00:05:48,755 --> 00:05:50,655
And it makes you temporarily gay?
115
00:05:50,824 --> 00:05:52,848
I don't know.
Just started human testing.
116
00:05:53,025 --> 00:05:55,323
By dosing Danny the intern's coffee.
117
00:05:55,494 --> 00:05:59,931
- Danny is definitely feeling something.
- I think I'm going to pass.
118
00:06:00,099 --> 00:06:03,432
Suit yourself.
Just means more for me and Danny.
119
00:06:03,602 --> 00:06:06,126
Who is loving it.
120
00:06:18,348 --> 00:06:20,908
I have ascertained the target, sir.
121
00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:23,518
And he's actually quite handsome.
122
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,518
And I suppose that makes it better.
123
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:28,123
- Doesn't it?
- No, it... Woodhouse, this is Miami.
124
00:06:28,292 --> 00:06:29,952
Don't you have any cooler clothes?
125
00:06:30,126 --> 00:06:33,425
- No sir, not anymore.
- And your shoes.
126
00:06:33,596 --> 00:06:36,622
Because how hard is it to
poach a goddamn egg properly?
127
00:06:37,166 --> 00:06:40,499
Seriously, that's like Eggs 101,
Woodhouse.
128
00:06:40,670 --> 00:06:42,899
Now I know you've lost your mind.
129
00:06:43,071 --> 00:06:44,800
You want me to defect to Russia?
130
00:06:44,973 --> 00:06:48,033
Just, uh, you know, if the worst happens.
131
00:06:48,209 --> 00:06:51,303
That is the worst. Standing in the snow...
132
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,946
for beet rations in my Blahniks?
- Come on.
133
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:57,140
I'm head of KGB.
I have my beets delivered.
134
00:06:57,318 --> 00:07:01,118
- Nikolai.
- Free Stolichnaya, Beluga caviar.
135
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,256
My own private limousine.
136
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,052
The Soviet system
is actually incredibly unfair.
137
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:10,355
- And it just sounds wonderful, but...
- Hey, I'm just putting it out there.
138
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:13,761
Well, just put it back in.
You're the whole reason I'm in this mess.
139
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,798
I'm trying to help.
140
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:19,165
I mean, if that Cuban
does not fall for the honey pot.
141
00:07:19,338 --> 00:07:20,828
Oh, I think he will.
142
00:07:21,006 --> 00:07:24,669
I've got my top man on it.
Or possibly bottom.
143
00:07:33,451 --> 00:07:37,217
- Ahem. Can I help you?
- I don't know. Can you?
144
00:07:37,388 --> 00:07:40,824
- Is this some sort of viral marketing?
- What? No, I meant...
145
00:07:40,992 --> 00:07:43,551
Or are you asking me,
specifically, if I have a penis?
146
00:07:43,727 --> 00:07:46,457
Uh, it's more of a conversation starter.
147
00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:49,793
And here's a conversation ender. Adios.
148
00:07:49,966 --> 00:07:52,298
- Oh, bilingual snap.
- Thank you.
149
00:07:52,469 --> 00:07:56,404
Do you not see me rocking
this chiseled slab of hard man-body?
150
00:07:56,572 --> 00:07:59,507
- I mean, come on. Are you gay or not?
- I am.
151
00:07:59,675 --> 00:08:02,576
- But you. You are so not my type.
- What?
152
00:08:02,745 --> 00:08:04,474
Hey, I am everybody's type.
153
00:08:04,647 --> 00:08:06,638
- Oh, please.
- What?
154
00:08:06,815 --> 00:08:09,977
- You are entirely too gay.
- No, I'm not.
155
00:08:10,151 --> 00:08:13,211
- Are you kidding?
- Oh my God, you, like, sneeze glitter.
156
00:08:13,388 --> 00:08:14,616
Thank you.
157
00:08:17,492 --> 00:08:19,392
So, yeah. I'm an ISIS agent...
158
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,789
and that Ram�n guy's a Cuban agent...
159
00:08:21,962 --> 00:08:25,329
and, uh, I'm supposed to run
what we call a honey pot on him.
160
00:08:25,499 --> 00:08:28,696
I can't believe you have all this
stuff and it's, like, portable.
161
00:08:28,869 --> 00:08:31,337
I can't believe you blab
that you're a secret agent.
162
00:08:31,505 --> 00:08:33,335
I can't believe you're a hairdresser...
163
00:08:33,506 --> 00:08:36,634
and Rudi's an interior decorator.
- God, he's the best in Miami.
164
00:08:36,809 --> 00:08:39,073
- Thank you.
- You're quite welcome, sir.
165
00:08:39,245 --> 00:08:41,145
- Lf I had a spoon...
No, no, no.
166
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,144
I would eat you up.
- Don't be nice.
167
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:47,307
So this spy agency, is it, like, the real
CIA "James Bondy" deal, or what?
168
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,953
Charles, ISIS employs
some of the world's foremost...
169
00:08:50,121 --> 00:08:53,682
intelligence analysts,
covert operatives, and scientists.
170
00:08:54,192 --> 00:08:58,958
- Wait, did Cyril play this stupid game?
- You'll have to play to find out.
171
00:08:59,129 --> 00:09:02,963
Danny. Danny, stop running.
We gotta keep that heart rate down, buddy.
172
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:06,694
Okay, kill. Bang. Bang.
173
00:09:06,870 --> 00:09:09,804
- Ew, kill.
- Well, thanks a lot.
174
00:09:09,972 --> 00:09:12,770
- Pam, it's a bad picture.
- I think that's hot.
175
00:09:12,942 --> 00:09:15,467
Like, somebody murdering me? It's so...
176
00:09:15,645 --> 00:09:18,910
intimate.
- So, yeah, basically, we're the front line...
177
00:09:19,082 --> 00:09:21,141
in the fight against tyranny.
Thank you.
178
00:09:21,317 --> 00:09:24,012
- My pleasure.
- I wanna dress you up like a little gnome...
179
00:09:24,186 --> 00:09:27,553
and just have you live in my garden.
- I would like some new clothes.
180
00:09:27,723 --> 00:09:30,419
Shut up.
But also and speaking of clothes...
181
00:09:30,592 --> 00:09:33,789
these seem way too normal.
- What, normal as opposed to gay?
182
00:09:33,962 --> 00:09:35,929
Implying that gay is abnormal?
183
00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:38,292
Not abnormal, just gay.
184
00:09:38,466 --> 00:09:41,026
In spite of your personality,
you get plenty of women, right?
185
00:09:41,202 --> 00:09:42,897
Uh, duh and or hello.
186
00:09:43,070 --> 00:09:46,334
So, "duh and or hello,"
just act like you normally do...
187
00:09:46,506 --> 00:09:47,996
around women.
- Really?
188
00:09:48,441 --> 00:09:51,069
Because how hard is it to poach
a goddamn egg properly?
189
00:09:53,546 --> 00:09:56,174
I believe he means before
you lure them into the apartment, sir.
190
00:09:56,349 --> 00:10:00,842
Oh. Yeah, that makes more sense.
So I just like, what? Approach him in a bar?
191
00:10:01,019 --> 00:10:04,011
- Yeah, If I were you, I'd try The Cock Fight.
- What? A cockfight?
192
00:10:04,189 --> 00:10:07,090
- It's the name of a gay bar.
- They also have actual cockfights.
193
00:10:07,259 --> 00:10:09,591
Yeah, Latino men.
You take the bad with the good.
194
00:10:09,762 --> 00:10:13,561
Jesus, what's your problem?
- You are. Blonde, brunette.
195
00:10:13,731 --> 00:10:15,824
I thought I made it clear
you are not my type.
196
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,991
Is that where we landed
on that, because l...
197
00:10:18,169 --> 00:10:20,034
Dios m�o. Is your ego so large...
198
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:22,399
you cannot handle a single rejection?
- Yes.
199
00:10:22,573 --> 00:10:25,803
- Let me buy you a drink.
- I already have a drink.
200
00:10:25,976 --> 00:10:28,570
Why don't you buy him one?
He could use it.
201
00:10:28,745 --> 00:10:32,044
Why... Why don't we all have one
and talk about it.
202
00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:37,849
Seriously Woodhouse, how can you be
so totally awesome and not be gay?
203
00:10:38,020 --> 00:10:42,480
Well, I was very fond
of a boy at school once.
204
00:10:42,658 --> 00:10:44,387
Reggie Thistleton.
205
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,926
- But he died in the war, at Flanders.
- Flanders?
206
00:10:48,096 --> 00:10:50,894
- What war was that?
- Oh, the Great War.
207
00:10:51,065 --> 00:10:53,829
- They're all great.
- Oh, my God, yes, those Nazi uniforms?
208
00:10:54,002 --> 00:10:55,560
- Hugo Boss.
- Shut up.
209
00:10:55,737 --> 00:10:58,797
Swear to God.
And look at slut, just getting home.
210
00:10:58,973 --> 00:11:01,304
- Well, I guess our advice worked.
- No, it didn't.
211
00:11:01,475 --> 00:11:03,875
- Ram�n blew me off.
- Then where were you all night?
212
00:11:04,044 --> 00:11:05,875
Way the Christ out in the Everglades...
213
00:11:06,046 --> 00:11:09,038
burying some Dominican guy's rooster.
- Fun.
214
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:11,081
- Oh, you mean literally.
- Yes.
215
00:11:11,251 --> 00:11:13,150
Sorry.
- I mean, look at my clothes.
216
00:11:13,319 --> 00:11:15,651
And what the hell
are you wearing, Woodhouse?
217
00:11:15,822 --> 00:11:17,153
- L...
- We bought those for him.
218
00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:19,791
If you throw them off the roof
I'll fly to New York...
219
00:11:19,959 --> 00:11:21,756
and fling acid in your face.
- Thank you.
220
00:11:23,696 --> 00:11:26,664
Oh, great.
Mother, I have nothing to report yet.
221
00:11:26,832 --> 00:11:28,390
This is a lot harder than I thought.
222
00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:30,626
How hard could it be to talk a gay man...
223
00:11:30,802 --> 00:11:32,360
... into having anonymous sex?
224
00:11:32,537 --> 00:11:35,995
- See the stereotypes we put up with?
- You don't know what I'm dealing with.
225
00:11:36,174 --> 00:11:38,038
You don't know what I'm dealing with!
226
00:11:38,209 --> 00:11:42,305
See? Here is my nice building,
my limousine, my mother.
227
00:11:42,479 --> 00:11:46,142
Oh, and my apartment is two bedrooms,
so she won't even have to move out.
228
00:11:46,317 --> 00:11:49,115
So you just listen to me, Mr. Man.
229
00:11:49,286 --> 00:11:52,812
Get me some video
of hot man-on-man action by tonight...
230
00:11:52,989 --> 00:11:56,584
...or don't bother coming home.
- She sounds...
231
00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,590
fabulous.
- Yeah, she's actually not.
232
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,729
But the stereotype thing
got me thinking...
233
00:12:00,897 --> 00:12:04,662
because, let's see, Ram�n is Latino...
- And Latinos are all about machismo.
234
00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:07,631
So you may have to out-macho him.
235
00:12:07,803 --> 00:12:10,601
Out-macho a gay guy? Oh, my stars.
236
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:14,207
Or, wait, you could just be
a sarcastic bitch your whole life.
237
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:15,603
- Thank you.
Wait a...
238
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:17,641
Did you set this whole thing up...
239
00:12:17,812 --> 00:12:20,474
just so I'd have to come
live with you and your mother?
240
00:12:20,648 --> 00:12:25,483
- No! It was merely incompetence.
- And I suppose that makes it better?
241
00:12:25,853 --> 00:12:26,978
Doesn't it?
242
00:12:27,153 --> 00:12:29,883
Wait a minute, how do you know
Ram�n's playing jai alai right now?
243
00:12:30,056 --> 00:12:33,184
- Um, he's Latino.
- So it's either that or dominoes.
244
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,453
Stereotypes exist for a reason.
245
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:38,530
Okay, we're off to get
our scrotums waxed.
246
00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:43,527
Ram�n, hey. I have a proposition for you.
247
00:12:45,671 --> 00:12:47,400
Mama, have to call you back.
248
00:12:47,573 --> 00:12:49,666
- Don't you ever give up?
- Not when it comes...
249
00:12:49,842 --> 00:12:51,832
to somebody refusing
to have sex with me.
250
00:12:52,010 --> 00:12:54,001
- You know, consensually or whatever.
- Hmm.
251
00:12:54,178 --> 00:12:56,976
So me and you,
one on one, loser has to do...
252
00:12:57,148 --> 00:12:59,548
whatever the winner says.
- Lf I win...
253
00:12:59,717 --> 00:13:02,686
I want you to leave me alone.
- Fine. But if I win...
254
00:13:02,854 --> 00:13:05,913
we go to your place
and have, you know...
255
00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:08,523
gay sex.
- Have you ever played jai alai?
256
00:13:08,692 --> 00:13:12,128
Uh, actually, lacrosse.
But it's jai alai for white people.
257
00:13:12,296 --> 00:13:14,856
- Lacrosse is gay.
- You're gay. I mean, I am too.
258
00:13:15,032 --> 00:13:17,556
- We're both gay.
- Seriously, I can serve this pelota...
259
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:20,998
almost two hundred miles an hour.
- Big whoop, that little squishy...
260
00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:24,071
- Jesus, is this made of limestone?
- It's a dangerous game.
261
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,141
Yeah? Well, I'm dangerous.
And I'm gonna win.
262
00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:30,107
- And gay sex.
- Okay.
263
00:13:30,278 --> 00:13:32,178
- Go stand over there.
- Where, over here?
264
00:13:32,347 --> 00:13:35,180
- Mm, little more far.
- What, here?
265
00:13:35,350 --> 00:13:37,181
- Is this...?
- S�, s�. That's good, right there.
266
00:13:37,352 --> 00:13:39,718
That's what you're gonna
be saying when I'm, uh, all...
267
00:13:39,888 --> 00:13:41,684
inside you with gay sex.
268
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:44,819
- Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
269
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,892
- Wait, do I need a helmet?
- Probably.
270
00:13:47,061 --> 00:13:48,858
Wait, what?
271
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,098
I mean, after all...
272
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:54,699
you are playing
a very dangerous game...
273
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:58,394
Sterling Archer of ISIS.
274
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:04,407
There he is. Welcome back, amigo.
275
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,237
Jesus Christ, who...
276
00:14:06,411 --> 00:14:10,848
apparently uses the same
awful decorator as my mother.
277
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,007
Trust me,
whoever decorated this condo...
278
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,244
is not in heaven. And neither are you...
279
00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:18,320
Agent Sterling Archer of ISIS.
- Wait, you know who I am?
280
00:14:18,489 --> 00:14:20,150
Duh and or hola.
281
00:14:20,324 --> 00:14:23,555
- So you know why I'm here.
- I assume because your mother forced you...
282
00:14:23,728 --> 00:14:26,993
to pose as a gay man, in hopes
of catching me in a, how you say...
283
00:14:27,164 --> 00:14:29,825
pot of honey.
- Yeah, which is just so classic her.
284
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,936
- Oh, you should meet my mother. She...
- No, no, no, shut up, listen. My mother...
285
00:14:35,772 --> 00:14:38,468
- Oh, my God, that's her.
- Dios m�o. It's her.
286
00:14:45,948 --> 00:14:48,212
L... I can't believe we hung up on them.
287
00:14:48,384 --> 00:14:51,478
- That was so thoroughly awesome, Ram�n.
- This is awesome.
288
00:14:51,653 --> 00:14:53,245
- Here, try it.
- No. Whoa, whoa.
289
00:14:53,422 --> 00:14:56,686
- It's raw, man.
- No, the citric acid from the limes...
290
00:14:56,858 --> 00:14:58,792
actually cooks the fish. Try it.
291
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,188
Mm. Mm!
292
00:15:00,361 --> 00:15:03,353
- Oh, my, Ram�n, that is amazing.
- Right? Mama always said:
293
00:15:06,967 --> 00:15:10,027
Mine always said: "Sterling,
come in here and check me for lumps."
294
00:15:10,203 --> 00:15:13,138
- Holy shit, was that out loud?
- It's okay. This is a safe place.
295
00:15:13,306 --> 00:15:16,139
- Yeah, but it's not, though.
- Are you referring to these?
296
00:15:16,309 --> 00:15:19,835
- Ha. You found Krieger's cameras?
- I think he is not so good at his job.
297
00:15:20,446 --> 00:15:23,381
Danny!
298
00:15:23,549 --> 00:15:26,211
Dude, that whole agency's
not so good at their jobs.
299
00:15:27,686 --> 00:15:31,917
Kill. Kill. God, when do I get to the end
so I can see what Cyril said?
300
00:15:32,090 --> 00:15:35,150
- You don't think that's hot?
- I seriously think you're scary.
301
00:15:35,326 --> 00:15:38,056
No, no, no, like, a big sweaty fireman...
302
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:41,289
carries you out of a burning building,
lays you on the sidewalk.
303
00:15:41,466 --> 00:15:43,524
You think,
he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth.
304
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:47,136
But instead he just starts
choking the shit out of you...
305
00:15:47,304 --> 00:15:50,137
and the last sensation
that you feel before you die...
306
00:15:50,307 --> 00:15:53,572
is he is squeezing your throat
so hard that a big...
307
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:58,373
wet blob of drool
drips off his teeth and just: "Blurp!"
308
00:15:58,548 --> 00:16:01,016
Falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
309
00:16:03,986 --> 00:16:06,614
- Jesus Christ.
- I know, right?
310
00:16:06,789 --> 00:16:09,154
- What the hell?
- I'm wet just thinking about it.
311
00:16:09,324 --> 00:16:11,792
Cyril? Cyril, you get your ass
out here right now.
312
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,588
Is she freaking cause Cyril said
he wanted to bang Danny?
313
00:16:14,763 --> 00:16:16,924
No, it's cause he said
he wanted to marry her.
314
00:16:17,099 --> 00:16:20,068
She's so weird.
Hey, will you choke me a little bit?
315
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:23,135
Pfft. That's nothing
compared to the pendejos...
316
00:16:23,304 --> 00:16:26,068
I have to work with.
- You haven't banged half of them...
317
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:30,370
like yours truly.
- I can't. If Fidel found out I'm gay, he'd...
318
00:16:30,544 --> 00:16:33,478
- Well, that's why you're here.
- And maybe it's the concussion...
319
00:16:33,646 --> 00:16:36,479
but I seriously feel crappy about that.
- No.
320
00:16:36,649 --> 00:16:39,880
I feel crappy. I should not have
tried to blackmail your mother.
321
00:16:40,053 --> 00:16:41,543
Yeah, what's on this thing anyway?
322
00:16:43,256 --> 00:16:47,282
Get on the floor, you tacky-ass,
white-after-Labor-Day-wearing bitches.
323
00:16:47,459 --> 00:16:49,359
Thank you.
- Charles and Rudi? What the...?
324
00:16:49,528 --> 00:16:52,088
- What is the meaning of this?
- Sorry. We're a hit squad.
325
00:16:52,264 --> 00:16:54,960
Turns out Fidel is unhappy
that one of his top agents is gay.
326
00:16:55,134 --> 00:16:56,260
Ay, dios m�o!
327
00:16:56,435 --> 00:16:58,800
Hey. Save your breath
for cooling your ceviche.
328
00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:00,597
- Ceviche is already cold.
- I know.
329
00:17:00,771 --> 00:17:03,035
You dicks were working
for Castro this whole time?
330
00:17:03,207 --> 00:17:06,005
Positutely, yes.
But we were having such a blast...
331
00:17:06,177 --> 00:17:09,010
hanging with Woodhouse...
- Who's fine by the way.
332
00:17:09,180 --> 00:17:12,171
- I'm genuinely sorry about this.
- But may I can keep the clothes?
333
00:17:12,349 --> 00:17:13,782
Forever and always.
334
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:17,151
- Not that you care.
- Yeah, I actually don't.
335
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,551
- So are you two even really gay?
- As big old tangerines, yes.
336
00:17:20,724 --> 00:17:24,386
Then how can you work for Castro?
You know his stance on homosexuality.
337
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,324
Because, commie,
I have something called a mortgage.
338
00:17:27,496 --> 00:17:30,795
Hey, whoa, if this is about money,
I know somebody who'd pay...
339
00:17:30,966 --> 00:17:33,093
a whole lot of money to get this back.
340
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:34,895
- Sterling, no.
- Hey, Ram�n, shut up.
341
00:17:35,069 --> 00:17:37,833
- Let the mummy talk.
- I can't let you do this.
342
00:17:38,006 --> 00:17:40,770
What the...?
- You'll never take me alive, bastardos.
343
00:17:41,609 --> 00:17:43,600
Let's outsource it
to some cracked-up Haitians...
344
00:17:43,778 --> 00:17:45,439
that's what I said. You know why?
345
00:17:45,613 --> 00:17:48,206
So you could be all
Little Miss "Hindsight's 20-20."
346
00:17:48,382 --> 00:17:50,543
- Here, take this.
- Why did you have a salad gun?
347
00:17:50,717 --> 00:17:54,175
- Ah, I was going to kill you.
- Oh, you are just the worst kind of...
348
00:17:54,354 --> 00:17:56,015
Me? Your mother started all of this.
349
00:17:56,190 --> 00:17:58,522
So give them the freaking disk.
If I do that...
350
00:17:58,691 --> 00:18:01,558
it will become public.
And if you see what's on this disk...
351
00:18:01,727 --> 00:18:04,355
- Well if you weren't gay, you will be.
- Ha, ha! Well, what is it?
352
00:18:04,530 --> 00:18:07,021
A sex tape of Mother?
353
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,792
- Ahem.
- Oh, my...
354
00:18:10,636 --> 00:18:12,125
But there, you see. It's gone.
355
00:18:13,572 --> 00:18:15,199
So it's okay, just let it all...
356
00:18:15,373 --> 00:18:18,069
Jesus, God, do you ladies
want to put on your nightgowns...
357
00:18:18,243 --> 00:18:20,507
crack open a tube of cookie dough
and talk?
358
00:18:20,679 --> 00:18:23,806
Goddamn it, we're dealing
with some profound issues here...
359
00:18:23,981 --> 00:18:26,313
you queer.
- What the hell, man?
360
00:18:26,483 --> 00:18:28,713
Sorry, I meant homosexual person.
361
00:18:28,886 --> 00:18:30,786
No, you idiota. We have
a finite number of bullets.
362
00:18:32,189 --> 00:18:33,850
- Oh, my bad.
- Oh, my bad.
363
00:18:34,024 --> 00:18:38,392
- Ha, ha. Now who feels stupid?
- My guess is both of you.
364
00:18:38,561 --> 00:18:41,325
Since the last thing you see
is gonna be that horrific sofa.
365
00:18:41,497 --> 00:18:44,330
Shut up, I bet you're not even
a real interior decorator.
366
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,731
Well, he's not licensed or anything,
but he's got a real flair for it.
367
00:18:47,904 --> 00:18:49,700
- Thank you.
- So how about stand up...
368
00:18:49,871 --> 00:18:51,998
and let us paint the walls
with your brains.
369
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,142
- Here, take this.
Jesus, Ram�n, a Claymore?
370
00:18:54,309 --> 00:18:56,402
- I can explain.
- You were gonna frag me?
371
00:18:56,578 --> 00:19:00,308
No. This was for decorating.
What, look at this place.
372
00:19:00,481 --> 00:19:03,746
- I was going to have to start from scratch.
- The kitchen's not bad.
373
00:19:03,918 --> 00:19:07,115
Oh, God, are you kidding?
That kitchen is awful... Oh, crap.
374
00:19:07,288 --> 00:19:09,415
No, thank you.
375
00:19:13,393 --> 00:19:16,385
Ram�n, was that not totally epic?
376
00:19:16,563 --> 00:19:19,327
S�, Sterling.
Because you lived to tell the tale.
377
00:19:19,499 --> 00:19:22,696
No, no, no,
because my mother's condo got trashed.
378
00:19:22,869 --> 00:19:25,894
God, she is gonna freak when...
Wait, where's Charles and Rudi?
379
00:19:26,071 --> 00:19:30,405
Hmm. I think they must have escaped,
however implausible that may seem.
380
00:19:30,576 --> 00:19:32,703
That does seem implausible.
381
00:19:32,878 --> 00:19:35,346
And so, I must now go into hiding.
382
00:19:35,514 --> 00:19:37,242
Fidel will keep sending hit squads...
383
00:19:37,415 --> 00:19:41,681
and he will not stop until I am dead.
- So, what, just a life on the run?
384
00:19:41,853 --> 00:19:44,413
S�, just like el Doctor David Banner.
385
00:19:44,589 --> 00:19:46,989
- How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish?
- El Hulk.
386
00:19:47,158 --> 00:19:48,386
- Gay.
- What?
387
00:19:48,559 --> 00:19:51,789
- We don't have a word for "Hulk."
- Do you have a word for "gay?"
388
00:19:51,962 --> 00:19:53,020
- Gay.
- Gayer!
389
00:19:53,196 --> 00:19:55,164
Jesus, Spanish, our jobs aren't enough.
390
00:19:55,332 --> 00:19:57,232
- Now you got to take our words?
- Sterling.
391
00:19:57,401 --> 00:19:59,062
I didn't mean that, it was racist.
392
00:19:59,236 --> 00:20:01,704
And even though you were
gonna shoot and or frag me...
393
00:20:01,871 --> 00:20:03,839
I feel like we had
kind of a connection.
394
00:20:04,006 --> 00:20:07,442
I'm sad because we had
a connection, and now...
395
00:20:07,610 --> 00:20:09,737
And now I feel like a dick so come on.
396
00:20:09,912 --> 00:20:12,506
- Let me turn that frown upside down.
- How?
397
00:20:12,682 --> 00:20:15,115
Well, the bedroom
was untouched by the explosion.
398
00:20:15,283 --> 00:20:17,808
- I'm listening.
- So let's blow the shit out of it.
399
00:20:17,986 --> 00:20:19,783
Oh. I thought you meant
you wanted to...
400
00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:24,615
- Ram�n.
- And just why is that so funny?
401
00:20:24,793 --> 00:20:28,023
Not that. Woodhouse.
He's all tied up somewhere.
402
00:20:28,195 --> 00:20:30,527
Scared... Scared and alone.
403
00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:34,625
Probably dehydrated.
34767
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