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1
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I've dreamed of this day
since forever.
2
00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:05,488
I started clipping
from bridal magazines
3
00:00:05,532 --> 00:00:07,229
when I was 8.
4
00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:11,059
The dress, the flowers,
the venue.
5
00:00:11,103 --> 00:00:12,278
By the time I was 20,
6
00:00:12,321 --> 00:00:14,758
I'd collaged
the most perfect wedding.
7
00:00:14,802 --> 00:00:17,196
Even my mother approved.
8
00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,938
But you,
my almost husband,
9
00:00:20,982 --> 00:00:23,158
you had yet to manifest.
10
00:00:23,202 --> 00:00:25,247
I started to lose hope.
11
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:28,511
But then, like a knight
in shining Zegna,
12
00:00:28,555 --> 00:00:31,558
you stuck your hand between
two closing subway doors for me
13
00:00:31,601 --> 00:00:33,734
and smiled.
14
00:00:33,777 --> 00:00:35,692
Very nice.
15
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:36,998
You don't think
it's too much?
16
00:00:37,042 --> 00:00:38,434
Everybody loves
Pink Powder Pout.
17
00:00:38,478 --> 00:00:39,870
No, I meant the vows.
18
00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:42,090
Your vows are as perfect
as your eyebrows.
19
00:00:42,134 --> 00:00:43,526
How come you got
the good eyebrows?
20
00:00:43,570 --> 00:00:45,354
Your story is so good.
21
00:00:45,398 --> 00:00:47,356
You think it's too late
to rewrite mine and Joel's?
22
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,880
Something that doesn't include
a mix-up at the dermatologist?
23
00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:52,448
Lily, I'm collecting advice
on marriage.
24
00:00:52,492 --> 00:00:54,668
How do you and Tom
keep things fresh?
25
00:00:54,711 --> 00:00:56,235
Food and sex.
26
00:00:56,278 --> 00:00:57,801
Make them think
you like both,
27
00:00:57,845 --> 00:00:59,629
you'll have
a happy couple.
I do.
28
00:00:59,673 --> 00:01:01,370
Cut the food in half
and triple the sex.
29
00:01:01,414 --> 00:01:03,329
You ladies want a drink?
Champagne.
30
00:01:03,372 --> 00:01:04,634
-Yes, please.
-Bring the bottle.
31
00:01:04,678 --> 00:01:07,420
? Let me give myself a hand
32
00:01:07,463 --> 00:01:09,161
? Uh-huh Faster, bridezilla.
33
00:01:09,204 --> 00:01:11,598
Monique Lhuillier
does not forgive.
34
00:01:11,641 --> 00:01:14,122
I'm going as fast as I can,
bitch.
35
00:01:14,166 --> 00:01:15,950
Not my fault
there's no SoulCycle up here.
36
00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,908
Thank God they had yoga
in the gazebo.
37
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:20,128
Bumpkin yoga,
but at least it was something.
38
00:01:20,172 --> 00:01:22,739
Civilization!
39
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,872
Faster!
40
00:01:24,915 --> 00:01:26,743
? I want it
41
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,050
? Imma treat myself
42
00:01:29,094 --> 00:01:30,269
? I want it
43
00:01:30,312 --> 00:01:32,488
Do you have LaCroix?
La what?
44
00:01:32,532 --> 00:01:34,099
Bubbly water?
Flavor, no sugar?
45
00:01:34,142 --> 00:01:36,536
We got ginger ale.
46
00:01:36,579 --> 00:01:38,755
Mmkay. Awesome.
47
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,670
Thank you so much.
48
00:01:40,714 --> 00:01:42,411
You were all about my wedding
being up here
49
00:01:42,455 --> 00:01:44,370
when we were planning it.That's because
we were in Aspen
50
00:01:44,413 --> 00:01:45,545
when we were planning it.
51
00:01:45,588 --> 00:01:46,937
A summer wedding
in the country
52
00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:48,765
sounded just warmer to me
at the time.
53
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,854
[ Bell rings ]
54
00:01:50,898 --> 00:01:53,901
Ew.
55
00:01:53,944 --> 00:01:55,381
See?
56
00:01:55,424 --> 00:01:57,644
Someone up here is having
a theme wedding.
57
00:01:57,687 --> 00:02:00,951
I'm telling you, I look
very right in 1930s chic.
58
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,431
We could've done
the whole "Downton Abbey" thing.
59
00:02:02,475 --> 00:02:04,607
-Okay, tick check.
-What, we're on to Lyme now?
60
00:02:04,651 --> 00:02:06,392
What happened to Zika?I made the wedding planner
61
00:02:06,435 --> 00:02:08,785
do a citronella perimeter
around the ceremony.
62
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,614
You're welcome for your
beautiful, bug-free wedding.
63
00:02:11,658 --> 00:02:14,226
Not like mine.Your wedding was beautiful.
64
00:02:14,269 --> 00:02:16,793
It was Modern Orthodox
in a temple social hall.
65
00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:18,055
All for Joel's bitch mother.
66
00:02:18,099 --> 00:02:19,492
Hey,
our mom's a bitch, too.
67
00:02:19,535 --> 00:02:21,450
Yeah, well, at least
she doesn't keep kosher.
68
00:02:21,494 --> 00:02:23,365
I couldn't even have
buttercream frosting.
69
00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:25,802
Sorry, "Cake Boss."
Nobody likes fondant.
70
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,457
Jenny: God ye good den,
fair maidens.
71
00:02:28,501 --> 00:02:31,330
Might I retrieve
a Dew of the Mountain?
72
00:02:31,373 --> 00:02:32,809
[ Chuckles ]
73
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:37,858
??
74
00:02:37,901 --> 00:02:39,468
Thank thee.
75
00:02:39,512 --> 00:02:43,472
??
76
00:02:43,516 --> 00:02:46,780
Yeah, that's who does
a theme wedding.
77
00:02:46,823 --> 00:02:54,962
??
78
00:02:55,005 --> 00:02:57,399
Lexi: I cannot get over
this place.
79
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:59,532
[ Chuckles ] It's like
that place my dads took me to
80
00:02:59,575 --> 00:03:02,056
in France after I got
bat mitzvahed at Masada.
81
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:03,318
The French countryside?
82
00:03:03,362 --> 00:03:04,885
Yes, that.
83
00:03:04,928 --> 00:03:06,495
Ah, so pretty.
84
00:03:06,539 --> 00:03:08,280
We talked about France,
but Brett has that thing
85
00:03:08,323 --> 00:03:09,672
where he takes on the accent.
86
00:03:09,716 --> 00:03:11,108
Ugh, he did that
with my house cleaner.
87
00:03:11,152 --> 00:03:12,240
Erin: Check it, bitches.
88
00:03:12,284 --> 00:03:13,807
[ Cheers ]
89
00:03:13,850 --> 00:03:16,201
-Pretty. So pretty.
-Oh, my God.
90
00:03:16,244 --> 00:03:18,028
Ahh!
91
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:20,117
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
92
00:03:20,161 --> 00:03:21,293
Guys, I'm in my Spanx.
93
00:03:21,336 --> 00:03:22,511
-Shit, I posted.
-Me, too.
94
00:03:22,555 --> 00:03:23,556
-Delete.
-Got it.
95
00:03:23,599 --> 00:03:24,557
-Deleted.
-Done.
96
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:25,645
Oh, sorry.
97
00:03:25,688 --> 00:03:27,255
Now,
from the collar bone up.
98
00:03:27,299 --> 00:03:28,474
Perf!
99
00:03:28,517 --> 00:03:30,258
Adding a filter.
So good.
100
00:03:30,302 --> 00:03:31,738
What hashtag
are you guys using?
101
00:03:31,781 --> 00:03:33,522
Oh, my God,
you guys, look.
102
00:03:33,566 --> 00:03:35,220
Two years ago today.
103
00:03:35,263 --> 00:03:37,439
Oh.
104
00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:40,268
Now, that would've been
good wedding hair.
105
00:03:40,312 --> 00:03:41,965
I remember this night.
106
00:03:42,009 --> 00:03:43,706
We took edibles,
and I thought I was dying.
107
00:03:43,750 --> 00:03:45,491
Oh, barely felt them.
108
00:03:45,534 --> 00:03:47,362
What?
I have a high tolerance.
109
00:03:47,406 --> 00:03:49,190
Yeah, and then you and Farah
left me alone to sleep it off.
110
00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:50,583
[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah.
111
00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:53,020
But Brett stayed with me
all night.
112
00:03:53,063 --> 00:03:54,674
I puked
in front of him.
113
00:03:54,717 --> 00:03:56,241
I don't even do that
in front of my mom.
114
00:03:56,284 --> 00:03:57,807
Because she critiques
your form.
115
00:03:57,851 --> 00:03:59,287
"Don't strain.
116
00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:00,984
You'll pop a blood vessel
in your eye."
117
00:04:01,028 --> 00:04:02,116
[ Laughter ]
118
00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:03,117
He didn't care
that I was
119
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,771
a disgusting train wreck.
120
00:04:04,814 --> 00:04:07,339
I felt so safe
in his big, scruffy arms.
121
00:04:07,382 --> 00:04:08,818
You made him wax the scruff,
though.
122
00:04:08,862 --> 00:04:11,299
Gone.Lexi, grab the crinoline.
123
00:04:11,343 --> 00:04:13,214
Aww,
is that your mom's veil?
124
00:04:13,258 --> 00:04:14,302
No.
125
00:04:14,346 --> 00:04:15,608
[ Chuckles ] It's mine.
126
00:04:15,651 --> 00:04:16,826
I might be miserable,
127
00:04:16,870 --> 00:04:18,350
but I'm still
on husband number one,
128
00:04:18,393 --> 00:04:20,743
so we thought
it had better juju.
129
00:04:20,787 --> 00:04:23,006
[ Gasps ] Holy shit.
130
00:04:23,050 --> 00:04:24,617
Gwyneth is here!
131
00:04:24,660 --> 00:04:25,966
-Gwyneth's here.
-[ Squeals ]
132
00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:27,924
Oh, yay, she made it.
133
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,797
Her prenatal smoothie recipes
are totally how we conceived.
134
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,538
Oh, good, good, good.
135
00:04:32,581 --> 00:04:35,323
Gwynnie's here.
[ Laughs ] Gwynnie's here.
136
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:38,457
Oh, Erin, remind me to ask her
for Blythe's e-mail address.
137
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:39,719
The one she gave me,
I don't know,
138
00:04:39,762 --> 00:04:41,198
it just keeps
bouncing back.
139
00:04:41,242 --> 00:04:42,417
Imagine that.
Erin.
140
00:04:42,461 --> 00:04:43,940
On it. Mom,
we got you
141
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,290
your very own
mother-of-the-bride suite.
142
00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:47,814
[ Gasps ]
143
00:04:47,857 --> 00:04:49,337
Oh, Mandy.
144
00:04:49,381 --> 00:04:52,862
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, Mandy, my Amanda.
145
00:04:52,906 --> 00:04:57,258
You look like an angel.
146
00:04:57,302 --> 00:05:00,479
A Jewish one --
the best kind.
147
00:05:00,522 --> 00:05:03,525
Oh, and you're still wearing
that ballerina dress.
148
00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:05,310
-In her underwear.
-And we're out.
149
00:05:05,353 --> 00:05:06,354
Come on. Move along.
150
00:05:06,398 --> 00:05:07,660
Darling, darling.
151
00:05:07,703 --> 00:05:08,878
Let's get you
more to drink.
152
00:05:08,922 --> 00:05:10,358
-Oh, good.
-Oh, my God.
153
00:05:10,402 --> 00:05:11,359
[ Cellphone ringing ]
154
00:05:11,403 --> 00:05:12,708
Ooh, shit,
it's Brett.
155
00:05:12,752 --> 00:05:13,927
He wants to FaceTime.
156
00:05:13,970 --> 00:05:15,320
-Don't let him see you.
-Get it.
157
00:05:15,363 --> 00:05:16,843
-It's bad luck.
-It's fine. It's fine.
158
00:05:16,886 --> 00:05:18,018
Hey, sweetie.
159
00:05:18,061 --> 00:05:19,019
[ Brett moaning]
160
00:05:19,062 --> 00:05:20,890
Babe? Brett?
161
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:21,848
Wait.
Is your volume down?
162
00:05:21,891 --> 00:05:23,284
Give me that.
163
00:05:23,328 --> 00:05:25,199
Brett, I think
you butt-dialed me.
164
00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:27,244
Yeah, baby.
165
00:05:27,288 --> 00:05:29,290
[ Moaning continues]
166
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:31,988
What?
167
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,686
Yeah, baby.
Yeah. Yeah, right there.
168
00:05:33,729 --> 00:05:35,383
Oh, my God. Oh.
169
00:05:35,427 --> 00:05:37,385
[ Gin Wigmore's "Man Like That"
plays ]
170
00:05:37,429 --> 00:05:45,567
??
171
00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:47,743
? Girl, you better wake up
172
00:05:47,787 --> 00:05:48,962
? Girl, you better run
173
00:05:49,005 --> 00:05:50,267
? He's gone
174
00:05:50,311 --> 00:05:51,181
? First thing in the mornin'
175
00:05:51,225 --> 00:05:52,487
Get back here!
Amanda!
176
00:05:52,531 --> 00:05:54,315
Come back!
177
00:05:54,359 --> 00:05:55,708
Follow her.
Where are all the cars?
178
00:05:55,751 --> 00:05:57,274
The photographers
from Town & Country
179
00:05:57,318 --> 00:05:58,667
said they didn't want them
in the foreground.
180
00:05:58,711 --> 00:05:59,755
Ugh, them must've parked them
down the hill.
181
00:05:59,799 --> 00:06:01,148
Ugh!
182
00:06:01,191 --> 00:06:04,020
Oh, stop being
so dramatic.
183
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,674
Okay, you realize
that is hilarious
184
00:06:05,718 --> 00:06:06,588
coming from you,
right?
185
00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:08,764
Opa!
186
00:06:08,808 --> 00:06:13,421
Now, who wants the mystery pill
from the bottom of my purse?
187
00:06:13,465 --> 00:06:14,422
Mom!
188
00:06:14,466 --> 00:06:15,728
? Ooh, ooh
189
00:06:15,771 --> 00:06:16,642
? Tells you that he loves you
190
00:06:16,685 --> 00:06:17,904
? Ooh, ooh
191
00:06:17,947 --> 00:06:18,905
? Then he takes it all back
192
00:06:18,948 --> 00:06:19,993
? Girl, you gotta wonder
193
00:06:20,036 --> 00:06:21,734
? Girl, you gotta wonder
194
00:06:21,777 --> 00:06:24,084
? Girl, you gotta wonder
'bout a man like that ?
195
00:06:24,127 --> 00:06:26,652
? Girl, you gotta wonder
'bout a man like that ?
196
00:06:26,695 --> 00:06:27,783
[ Moaning ]
197
00:06:27,827 --> 00:06:28,828
Are you out of your mind?
198
00:06:28,871 --> 00:06:31,004
[ Gasps ]
199
00:06:31,047 --> 00:06:32,527
You -- how could you?Amanda -- Amanda, wait, wait,
200
00:06:32,571 --> 00:06:33,876
wait, wait, wait.Wait? Wait for what?
201
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:34,964
I'm not --
I'm not having an affair.
202
00:06:35,008 --> 00:06:36,270
I love you.
203
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:37,663
On our wedding day?
204
00:06:37,706 --> 00:06:39,447
Shh, calm down, calm down.Oh, Brett!
205
00:06:39,491 --> 00:06:40,927
Let's talk about this,
okay?
206
00:06:40,970 --> 00:06:43,712
Calm down. Okay?
207
00:06:43,756 --> 00:06:45,279
Is that
a real-life hooker?
208
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:46,236
-Excuse me?
-No.
209
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,455
Then, who is it?
210
00:06:47,499 --> 00:06:48,717
Hey, look at me,
look at me.
211
00:06:48,761 --> 00:06:50,284
It was nothing.
Look, a leftover
212
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,328
from the bar last night,
213
00:06:51,372 --> 00:06:52,765
a last hurrah.
214
00:06:55,376 --> 00:06:57,247
It is
out of my system now,
215
00:06:57,291 --> 00:07:00,599
and we are getting married
today.
216
00:07:00,642 --> 00:07:02,035
We're going to St. Barts
tomorrow
217
00:07:02,078 --> 00:07:04,211
because, Amanda Klein,
you --
218
00:07:04,254 --> 00:07:06,561
you make my life complete.
219
00:07:06,605 --> 00:07:09,608
[ Screams ]
220
00:07:09,651 --> 00:07:13,655
??
221
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:17,137
It's "you complete me,"
asshole.
222
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,925
[ Coughs ]
223
00:07:22,969 --> 00:07:24,840
[ Gasping ]
224
00:07:24,884 --> 00:07:29,584
??
225
00:07:29,628 --> 00:07:31,673
Oh, shit.
226
00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:34,371
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit,
227
00:07:34,415 --> 00:07:36,025
shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit,
228
00:07:36,069 --> 00:07:39,115
shit, shit,
shit, shit.
229
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,683
??
230
00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:43,337
? Girl, you better wake up
231
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:44,469
? Ooh, ooh
Ugh!
232
00:07:44,512 --> 00:07:45,426
? Girl, you better run
233
00:07:45,470 --> 00:07:46,688
? He's gone
234
00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:48,473
? First thing in the mornin'
235
00:07:48,516 --> 00:07:50,387
? Faster than a bullet
comin' outta that gun ?
236
00:07:50,431 --> 00:07:51,606
Congratulations!
237
00:07:51,650 --> 00:07:53,086
She's not answering,
238
00:07:53,129 --> 00:07:55,436
but I think the wedding
is probably off.
239
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,656
Because of a little oral?
Oh, please.
240
00:07:57,699 --> 00:07:58,831
If I called off every wedding
because of that --
241
00:07:58,874 --> 00:08:00,049
Not now, Mom.
242
00:08:00,093 --> 00:08:01,181
Wait,
who is this bitch?
243
00:08:01,224 --> 00:08:02,487
Do we know her?
244
00:08:02,530 --> 00:08:03,792
We know
some very horrible people.
245
00:08:03,836 --> 00:08:06,012
I don't know,
and I don't care.
246
00:08:06,055 --> 00:08:08,710
What I do care about is
that, according to Brett,
247
00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:10,320
Amanda assaulted
the hooker,
248
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,322
and now there may be
a legal situation.
249
00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,411
Drama.Oh, for God's sake,
250
00:08:14,455 --> 00:08:16,326
how badly
was this woman hurt?
251
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,937
Joel treated her
immediately after
252
00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:19,591
and says she has
a concussion,
253
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:21,288
and based on the angle
of how she fell,
254
00:08:21,331 --> 00:08:25,074
I guess...she bit off
the tip of her tongue.
255
00:08:25,118 --> 00:08:26,249
[ Gasps ]
Aw, gross.
256
00:08:26,293 --> 00:08:27,773
Oh, my God.Oh, that's disgusting.
257
00:08:27,816 --> 00:08:31,037
And...she swallowed it.
258
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,473
-Ugh!
-Holy shit.
259
00:08:32,517 --> 00:08:34,475
How many Weight Watchers points
is that?
260
00:08:34,519 --> 00:08:36,303
Well,
it's not Amanda's fault
261
00:08:36,346 --> 00:08:38,392
that that hooker bit off
her own tongue.
262
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,611
It might be.
263
00:08:39,654 --> 00:08:41,351
Come on!
264
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:44,572
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
265
00:08:44,616 --> 00:08:46,966
??
266
00:08:47,009 --> 00:08:50,535
[ Amanda panting and crying ]
267
00:08:50,578 --> 00:08:52,841
Oh, God.
268
00:08:52,885 --> 00:09:01,546
??
269
00:09:01,589 --> 00:09:10,250
??
270
00:09:10,293 --> 00:09:11,904
Oh, God.
271
00:09:11,947 --> 00:09:13,906
[ Cries ]
272
00:09:13,949 --> 00:09:17,605
??
273
00:09:17,649 --> 00:09:21,130
[ Grunting ]
274
00:09:21,174 --> 00:09:24,830
Okay. Okay.
275
00:09:24,873 --> 00:09:26,788
[ Breathes deeply ]
276
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,050
It's okay.
277
00:09:28,094 --> 00:09:29,399
[ Chuckles ]
278
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,140
It's okay.
279
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:37,103
Oh, no.
280
00:09:37,146 --> 00:09:39,888
Oh, no. My phone.
281
00:09:39,932 --> 00:09:43,370
My phone.
282
00:09:43,413 --> 00:09:46,373
[ Grunts ]
283
00:09:46,416 --> 00:09:49,594
[ Screeches ]
284
00:09:49,637 --> 00:09:51,944
[ Crying ]
285
00:09:51,987 --> 00:10:01,693
??
286
00:10:04,043 --> 00:10:08,787
[ Renaissance music playing ]
287
00:10:08,830 --> 00:10:11,485
Ugh, theme wedding.
288
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,618
[ Sniffles, sobbing ]
289
00:10:13,661 --> 00:10:20,755
??
290
00:10:20,799 --> 00:10:28,067
??
291
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:30,765
Excuse me, Father,
I could really use some water.
292
00:10:30,809 --> 00:10:32,201
[ British accent ] Pretty lady,
thou looks like
293
00:10:32,245 --> 00:10:33,681
thou couldst use a drink.
294
00:10:33,725 --> 00:10:35,944
Here.
295
00:10:35,988 --> 00:10:37,380
[ Coughs ]
296
00:10:37,424 --> 00:10:39,469
Aye, miss.
It's the Devil's brew,
297
00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,297
fire from the Scots,
not for the faint of heart.
298
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:42,342
Water?
299
00:10:42,385 --> 00:10:44,605
Oh, yeah, here, child.
300
00:10:44,649 --> 00:10:50,698
??
301
00:10:50,742 --> 00:10:52,352
Is this beer?
302
00:10:52,395 --> 00:10:54,876
That's a fine ale to wash down
the Devil's brew.
303
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,269
Look,
I really need a phone.
304
00:10:56,312 --> 00:10:57,531
It's kind of an emergency.
305
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:58,575
Phone?
306
00:10:58,619 --> 00:11:01,622
Now, what be a phone?
307
00:11:03,711 --> 00:11:10,587
This must be some wedding,
because you...are wasted.
308
00:11:10,631 --> 00:11:13,852
For sooth most verily...
309
00:11:13,895 --> 00:11:14,983
Yeah, I am, I am.
310
00:11:18,117 --> 00:11:21,773
??
311
00:11:21,816 --> 00:11:26,168
? Landlord, fill the flowing
bowl until it doth run over ?
312
00:11:26,212 --> 00:11:30,346
? Landlord, fill the flowing
bowl until it doth run over ?
313
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,653
? For tonight we'll merry be
314
00:11:32,697 --> 00:11:34,786
? For tonight
we'll merry be ?
315
00:11:34,829 --> 00:11:36,526
? For tonight we'll merry be
316
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:38,659
Why wasn't I shown
this site?
317
00:11:38,703 --> 00:11:41,401
? Tomorrow we'll be sober
318
00:11:41,444 --> 00:11:43,229
? Here's to the man
drinks water pure ?
319
00:11:43,272 --> 00:11:46,319
? And goes to bed
quite sober ?
320
00:11:46,362 --> 00:11:48,930
Probably had to use
the in-house catering, right?
321
00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:51,063
Uh, beg thy pardon?
322
00:11:51,106 --> 00:11:54,283
Oh, I'm on
the bride's side.
323
00:11:54,327 --> 00:11:56,242
Oh!
324
00:11:56,285 --> 00:11:57,765
Cry your mercy,
mistress.
325
00:11:57,809 --> 00:11:59,071
No problem.
326
00:11:59,114 --> 00:12:00,550
Maybe it'll get
the blood out.
327
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:03,466
Please, do accept this mead
as recompense.
328
00:12:03,510 --> 00:12:05,512
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
329
00:12:05,555 --> 00:12:07,383
? Here's to the man
who drinks strong ale ?
330
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,690
? And goes to bed
quite mellow ?
331
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:12,171
? He lives
as he ought to live ?
332
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:13,999
I shall go get more.
333
00:12:14,042 --> 00:12:17,132
? He lives
as he ought to live ?
334
00:12:17,176 --> 00:12:20,657
? And dies a jolly good fellow
335
00:12:20,701 --> 00:12:22,355
? Here's to the girl
who steals a kiss ?
336
00:12:22,398 --> 00:12:27,229
Hey, can I use your phone?
337
00:12:27,273 --> 00:12:29,754
Ah, thou must mean
the little portrait maker
338
00:12:29,797 --> 00:12:31,407
I do carry with me.
339
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:36,456
It doth also serve
as a carrier pigeon, know ye.
340
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:40,025
? She'll never get another
341
00:12:40,068 --> 00:12:41,940
Holy shit.
342
00:12:41,983 --> 00:12:44,594
I don't know
anyone's numbers.
343
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,031
Beg pardon?
344
00:12:46,074 --> 00:12:47,597
No, I'm not kidding.
I mean, I know --
345
00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:49,251
I know mine,
but I don't know anyone else's.
346
00:12:49,295 --> 00:12:50,818
Ah.
347
00:12:50,862 --> 00:12:52,254
How the hell are people
supposed to communicate
348
00:12:52,298 --> 00:12:53,778
without a phone?
349
00:12:53,821 --> 00:12:57,346
Do you not get it?
I do not have my phone.
350
00:12:57,390 --> 00:13:01,481
Ma'am, does thou need to see the
village apothecary perchance?
351
00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:03,788
Okay, your commitment
to this theme
352
00:13:03,831 --> 00:13:05,833
is seriously, like,
next-level.
353
00:13:05,877 --> 00:13:08,836
? For tonight
we'll merry be ?
354
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,840
? Drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink ?
355
00:13:12,884 --> 00:13:16,931
? Tomorrow we'll be sober
356
00:13:16,975 --> 00:13:17,932
[ Applause ]
357
00:13:17,976 --> 00:13:19,847
[ Clears throat ]
358
00:13:19,891 --> 00:13:24,286
[ Cheers and applause ]
359
00:13:24,330 --> 00:13:26,375
[ British accent ]
Well played, musicians,
360
00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:29,509
and well met,
good gentles.
361
00:13:29,552 --> 00:13:34,775
I, your glorious queen,
do welcome thee, my subjects,
362
00:13:34,819 --> 00:13:37,996
gathered here at the end
of another day in Shropshire,
363
00:13:38,039 --> 00:13:43,088
where each summer I take
my progress, where mine --
364
00:13:43,131 --> 00:13:45,264
Oof,
is she officiating?
365
00:13:45,307 --> 00:13:46,918
In the words of the bard,
366
00:13:46,961 --> 00:13:50,051
if music be the food of love,
play on.
367
00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:52,793
[ Crowd shouts indistinctly ]
368
00:13:52,837 --> 00:13:55,491
William, please approach.
369
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:59,582
[ Applause ]
370
00:13:59,626 --> 00:14:01,280
Cute idea for the groom.
371
00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:02,934
All: Shh!
372
00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:05,023
Wilt thou provide us
with some parting words
373
00:14:05,066 --> 00:14:06,459
as the day ends?
374
00:14:06,502 --> 00:14:07,373
[ British accent ]
Ah, Your Majesty,
375
00:14:07,416 --> 00:14:09,462
'twould be mine honor.
376
00:14:09,505 --> 00:14:12,900
For you,
England's most precious jewel.
377
00:14:12,944 --> 00:14:16,948
All: Hear, hear!
378
00:14:16,991 --> 00:14:19,820
One half of me
is yours.
379
00:14:19,864 --> 00:14:22,954
The other half...yours.
380
00:14:22,997 --> 00:14:24,651
Thank you.[ Audience "awws" ]
381
00:14:24,694 --> 00:14:26,653
Huh.
"Merchant of Venice."
382
00:14:26,696 --> 00:14:28,960
The anti-Semitic play.
383
00:14:29,003 --> 00:14:31,092
But romantic, flirty.
384
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:32,485
Maggie: Bravo, dear William.
385
00:14:32,528 --> 00:14:35,357
She's the bride.
I got it now.
386
00:14:35,401 --> 00:14:38,186
I have penned
yet another simple musing
387
00:14:38,230 --> 00:14:39,448
on thy royal life.
388
00:14:39,492 --> 00:14:40,710
Ooh.
389
00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:42,364
[ Clears throat ]
390
00:14:42,408 --> 00:14:46,194
You may my glories
and my state depose,
391
00:14:46,238 --> 00:14:48,718
but not my griefs.
392
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:52,157
Still am I king of those.
393
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,725
Ah, such true words.
394
00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:59,729
'Tis from my newest play,entitled "Richard III."
395
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,949
[ Applause ]
396
00:15:01,993 --> 00:15:03,646
Um, no, it's not.
397
00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:06,780
Dear maiden, that be the bard
of Avon himself,
398
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,695
William Shakespeare.
399
00:15:08,738 --> 00:15:12,177
Okay, well, he be wrong about
hith owneth playeth, then.
400
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:15,615
Please be quiet.
Her Majesty is speaking.
401
00:15:15,658 --> 00:15:16,964
Who, the bride?
402
00:15:17,008 --> 00:15:19,488
Sorry.
Queen Elizabeth.
403
00:15:19,532 --> 00:15:21,969
Do not disrespect
Her Majesty.
404
00:15:22,013 --> 00:15:23,971
Well, somebody
ought to tell her
405
00:15:24,015 --> 00:15:26,234
that King Elizabeth
isn't up on his shit.
406
00:15:26,278 --> 00:15:30,630
Dude. Shut up.
407
00:15:30,673 --> 00:15:33,459
Dude, you shut up,
jack off.
408
00:15:33,502 --> 00:15:36,679
Who the hell are you anyway,
some strange, crazy pirate?
409
00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:38,072
Hey, you want to go?
410
00:15:38,116 --> 00:15:40,814
[ Indistinct shouting ]
411
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,948
Maggie: Hark!
412
00:15:43,991 --> 00:15:47,908
What be the meaning
of this disruption?
413
00:15:47,952 --> 00:15:50,998
Uh, uh...God save
the queen!
414
00:15:51,042 --> 00:15:52,739
All: God save the queen!
415
00:15:52,782 --> 00:15:53,914
Jesus!
416
00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:55,220
Bo:
Forgive us, Your Majesty,
417
00:15:55,263 --> 00:15:57,787
for this maid be most truly
in her cups.
418
00:15:57,831 --> 00:15:59,093
[ Laughter ]
419
00:15:59,137 --> 00:16:00,442
You know it.
420
00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:02,053
Double-sided tape.
421
00:16:02,096 --> 00:16:04,969
Ah, a dear
lost beggar's doxy.
422
00:16:05,012 --> 00:16:08,059
[ Laughter ]
423
00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:12,367
[ Chuckles ]
Look, ma'am.
424
00:16:12,411 --> 00:16:16,023
Quee-- Sorry for interrupting
your little wedding here.
425
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:18,112
Wedding?
426
00:16:18,156 --> 00:16:21,202
And whose nuptials
might we all be attending?
427
00:16:24,727 --> 00:16:25,685
Oh.
428
00:16:25,728 --> 00:16:28,905
[ Laughter ]
429
00:16:31,996 --> 00:16:35,477
Oh, my dear lost child,
430
00:16:35,521 --> 00:16:39,438
I am married first and foremost
to mine country,
431
00:16:39,481 --> 00:16:41,657
mine England.All: Hear, hear.
432
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,225
And this man hither be but
a consort of my high court.
433
00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:45,444
Okay, okay, fine.
434
00:16:45,487 --> 00:16:46,967
Consort. Don't consort.
435
00:16:47,011 --> 00:16:48,577
FYI, though,
he doesn't know what play
436
00:16:48,621 --> 00:16:49,535
his own quote's from.
437
00:16:49,578 --> 00:16:52,233
That is preposterous.
438
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:55,628
God. Men, right?
439
00:16:55,671 --> 00:16:58,500
"I know this play I wrote
so well."
440
00:16:58,544 --> 00:17:01,199
Or, or, "I got it
fully out of my system."
441
00:17:01,242 --> 00:17:03,853
Or, "It's your fault she's
all covered in blood, Amanda."
442
00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:07,509
So, even if this --
this...whatever this is
443
00:17:07,553 --> 00:17:09,163
is not a wedding,
444
00:17:09,207 --> 00:17:12,123
you should all know
that men are pigs.
445
00:17:12,166 --> 00:17:13,602
And he's gay.
446
00:17:13,646 --> 00:17:14,777
David: [ British accent ]
She be right!
447
00:17:14,821 --> 00:17:16,127
[ Spectators gasp ]
448
00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:18,085
About the play,
I do mean.
449
00:17:18,129 --> 00:17:20,174
Such a wretched creature
doth approach.
450
00:17:20,218 --> 00:17:22,350
Your Majesty,
may I beg a boon?
451
00:17:22,394 --> 00:17:23,395
Why's he so gross?
452
00:17:23,438 --> 00:17:25,179
Speak, mud man.
453
00:17:25,223 --> 00:17:26,920
Seriously, you guys,
is he homeless?
454
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,489
I, man of mud,
orator of dirt,
455
00:17:30,532 --> 00:17:33,840
hero and defender
of the most vile sludge --
456
00:17:33,883 --> 00:17:35,059
To it, creature.
457
00:17:35,102 --> 00:17:37,583
I, Sir Pizzle Humpsalot,
458
00:17:37,626 --> 00:17:40,803
do put forth that the verse
by William Shakespeare be,
459
00:17:40,847 --> 00:17:44,459
as the maid did say,
not in sooth from "Richard III."
460
00:17:44,503 --> 00:17:48,333
Aha! Told ya.
461
00:17:48,376 --> 00:17:53,294
Sir Humpsalot, which play did
Shakespeare then quote?
462
00:17:53,338 --> 00:17:54,948
"Henry V."
463
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,428
Nope.
All right.
464
00:17:56,471 --> 00:18:01,650
And if I had my phone,
I could prove it.
465
00:18:01,694 --> 00:18:05,176
Come hither, you.
466
00:18:05,219 --> 00:18:08,918
Go.
Go.
467
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:10,920
Approach.
468
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:19,277
??
469
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,366
What be thy title?
470
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,110
Thy name.
471
00:18:26,153 --> 00:18:28,677
Amanda Klein.
472
00:18:28,721 --> 00:18:31,071
Stay not your tongue,
woman.
473
00:18:31,115 --> 00:18:34,422
From which play
doth the quote come?
474
00:18:34,466 --> 00:18:36,946
"Richard II."
475
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:40,124
Uh, ffff.
476
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,386
Ugh.
477
00:18:41,429 --> 00:18:44,476
The maid doth speak
the truth.
478
00:18:44,519 --> 00:18:46,130
Huzzah!
479
00:18:46,173 --> 00:18:47,783
All: Huzzah!
480
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:52,310
[ Applause ]
481
00:18:52,353 --> 00:18:55,226
Well met, young maid.
482
00:18:55,269 --> 00:19:00,187
Now, if thou wouldst
not mind...
483
00:19:00,231 --> 00:19:02,494
Her Majesty will now end
the faire day.
484
00:19:02,537 --> 00:19:05,671
Copy. Got it. Sorry.
485
00:19:05,714 --> 00:19:06,715
??
486
00:19:06,759 --> 00:19:07,890
Where's the bar?
487
00:19:07,934 --> 00:19:09,544
The pub be
right this way.
488
00:19:09,588 --> 00:19:10,850
Thanks, Mr. Pizzalot.
489
00:19:10,893 --> 00:19:11,807
That be Humpsalot.
490
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,244
Whatever.
491
00:19:13,287 --> 00:19:14,723
They have more
of that mead stuff?
492
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:16,638
It's like hard lemonade.
493
00:19:16,682 --> 00:19:19,293
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah. Barrels.
494
00:19:23,558 --> 00:19:27,040
[ Gasps, breathes heavily ]
495
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,390
[ Birds chirping ]
496
00:19:34,265 --> 00:19:36,745
What?
497
00:19:36,789 --> 00:19:38,312
[ Normal voice ]
Morning.
498
00:19:38,356 --> 00:19:40,096
[ Gasps ]
499
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:41,272
[ Retches, vomits ]
500
00:19:41,315 --> 00:19:44,057
I, uh --
501
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,146
I'm gonna give you
some space.
502
00:19:51,412 --> 00:19:54,110
Bright. So bright.
503
00:19:54,154 --> 00:19:56,591
Hey, there.
504
00:19:56,635 --> 00:19:59,768
Uh, coffee?
505
00:19:59,812 --> 00:20:02,162
Yes, please.
506
00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:17,525
Thank you.
507
00:20:17,569 --> 00:20:21,268
So...where am I?
508
00:20:21,312 --> 00:20:23,052
At the fairgrounds --
509
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,403
just outside of where you
passed out last night.
510
00:20:25,446 --> 00:20:26,926
Oh, good, good.
511
00:20:26,969 --> 00:20:28,754
Right. The fairgrounds.
512
00:20:33,324 --> 00:20:36,196
Did I...?
513
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,199
Did we --
Whoa, you tried,
514
00:20:39,243 --> 00:20:40,679
but no.
515
00:20:40,722 --> 00:20:42,811
I make it a point
to not date-rape people.
516
00:20:42,855 --> 00:20:44,857
Oh.
It's just one of
my personal philosophies.
517
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,119
Good.
Yeah.
518
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:49,296
Good.
That's really good.
519
00:20:49,340 --> 00:20:51,429
And -- And when you say
"fairgrounds" --
520
00:20:51,472 --> 00:20:54,997
Ren Faire -- where you bested
William Shakespeare himself.
521
00:20:55,041 --> 00:20:56,999
I mean, I got no beef
with Brian personally,
522
00:20:57,043 --> 00:20:59,306
but he can be a huge dick
about historical accuracy.
523
00:20:59,350 --> 00:21:00,612
So that was
kind of awesome.
524
00:21:00,655 --> 00:21:03,441
Right,
at the wedding.
525
00:21:03,484 --> 00:21:06,531
At the Renaissance Festival.
526
00:21:06,574 --> 00:21:08,097
Wow.
527
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,490
Sounds like you got
into Friar Woodruff's
528
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,449
homemade Devil Scotch.
529
00:21:11,492 --> 00:21:14,887
Last time I had that, I woke up
in a boat on Lake Oswego --
530
00:21:14,930 --> 00:21:15,931
naked.
531
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:17,019
Look, mud man --
532
00:21:17,063 --> 00:21:18,978
It's Pizzle Humpsalot,
533
00:21:19,021 --> 00:21:20,588
but you can call me David.
534
00:21:20,632 --> 00:21:23,504
Faire gates don't open
till 10:00, so...
535
00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:26,899
David.
536
00:21:26,942 --> 00:21:29,075
I don't know what
a Renaissance Festival is.
537
00:21:29,118 --> 00:21:30,946
Also, I don't know any
of my family's phone numbers,
538
00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:33,079
and I seriously have to get back
to the Country Cottage --
539
00:21:33,122 --> 00:21:34,820
damn it.
540
00:21:34,863 --> 00:21:37,126
No, I can't
go back there.
541
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:39,607
Uh, you could e-mail.
542
00:21:39,651 --> 00:21:40,739
Huh?
543
00:21:40,782 --> 00:21:42,262
Electronic mail?
544
00:21:42,306 --> 00:21:43,829
The Wi-Fi on the grounds
is pretty terrible,
545
00:21:43,872 --> 00:21:45,091
but that's intentional,
you know?
546
00:21:45,134 --> 00:21:46,571
Time period.
Uh, but it's also why
547
00:21:46,614 --> 00:21:47,746
I have a router
in the RV.
548
00:21:47,789 --> 00:21:49,400
Easy now,
she's first gen.
549
00:21:49,443 --> 00:21:52,272
I keep her
in good condish.
550
00:21:52,316 --> 00:21:54,274
I guess
I'll read the paper later.
551
00:21:54,318 --> 00:21:56,624
Please, you call the Post
the paper?
552
00:21:56,668 --> 00:22:02,151
??
553
00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,545
[ Gasps ]
554
00:22:04,589 --> 00:22:06,112
You forget your login?
555
00:22:08,984 --> 00:22:11,639
So you've never heard
of a Ren Faire,
556
00:22:11,683 --> 00:22:14,468
but you came to a Ren Faire
dressed in full garb.
557
00:22:14,512 --> 00:22:15,948
It was Monique Lhuillier.
558
00:22:15,991 --> 00:22:17,993
And then you schooled
every Rennie there
559
00:22:18,037 --> 00:22:19,255
in "Richard II."
560
00:22:19,299 --> 00:22:22,650
Can I ask
how that happened?
561
00:22:22,694 --> 00:22:25,087
I wrote a paper
on "Richard II."
562
00:22:25,131 --> 00:22:26,611
English major at Vassar.
563
00:22:26,654 --> 00:22:28,656
And then you opened up
an English store?
564
00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:30,571
Funny.
Thanks.
565
00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:32,486
So...?
566
00:22:32,530 --> 00:22:35,707
So now I write freelance
for upscale-lifestyle sites
567
00:22:35,750 --> 00:22:38,840
in English, so...
568
00:22:38,884 --> 00:22:41,582
You know,
lifestyle, wellness,
569
00:22:41,626 --> 00:22:43,976
and, like,
clean beauty?
570
00:22:44,019 --> 00:22:45,499
Jade eggs
for up your [whistles]?
571
00:22:45,543 --> 00:22:46,761
Mm.
572
00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:51,810
What's a Rennie?
573
00:22:51,853 --> 00:22:54,595
A Rennie is a person who works
at a Renaissance Festival.
574
00:22:54,639 --> 00:22:58,033
Ah.Like how a carny is a person
who works at a carnival.
575
00:22:58,077 --> 00:23:00,949
Okay.Or a druggie is a person
who works at a carnival.
576
00:23:00,993 --> 00:23:02,386
[ Chuckles ]
577
00:23:05,127 --> 00:23:07,826
So, what?
578
00:23:07,869 --> 00:23:10,263
You guys all pretend
to be Queen Elizabeth
579
00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:14,485
and run around
and drink with nerds?
580
00:23:14,528 --> 00:23:16,051
You have anywhere to be
this morning?
581
00:23:16,095 --> 00:23:18,619
[ Renaissance music playing ]
582
00:23:18,663 --> 00:23:25,278
??
583
00:23:25,321 --> 00:23:26,932
This is
ringing a bell now.
584
00:23:26,975 --> 00:23:29,413
Yeah, parade should begin
in a few.
Parade?
585
00:23:29,456 --> 00:23:30,979
[ British accent ]
But what parade can compare
586
00:23:31,023 --> 00:23:33,373
to the festivities
within filthy hearts and loins,
587
00:23:33,417 --> 00:23:34,548
eh, clean maiden?
588
00:23:34,592 --> 00:23:36,028
On the clock now.
Got it.
589
00:23:36,071 --> 00:23:38,900
Uh, meet my best mates
and fellow muddy beggars,
590
00:23:38,944 --> 00:23:41,250
Shart O'Belly
and Stick.
591
00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:42,643
Goodly day
for a goodly woman
592
00:23:42,687 --> 00:23:45,472
to be embraced
by a goodly mud beggar!
593
00:23:45,516 --> 00:23:47,169
Back it up.
594
00:23:47,213 --> 00:23:48,823
Shart is it?
595
00:23:48,867 --> 00:23:52,044
Aye. I was christened "Shart"
in 1565.
596
00:23:52,087 --> 00:23:53,567
See, I went
to simply break wind,
597
00:23:53,611 --> 00:23:55,830
but when I bent over
and spread me cheeks --
598
00:23:55,874 --> 00:23:58,006
Uh, mayhap save the detail
for another time,
599
00:23:58,050 --> 00:24:01,575
most beloved Shart?
600
00:24:01,619 --> 00:24:02,576
[ Chuckles ]
601
00:24:02,620 --> 00:24:04,535
Stick.
602
00:24:04,578 --> 00:24:07,189
I hope thou whilst attend
our mud show
603
00:24:07,233 --> 00:24:09,931
at Froggy Bottom Mud Pit
at noon o'clock.
604
00:24:09,975 --> 00:24:13,413
[ British accent] Nay, Pizzle!
Nay, nay, nay!
605
00:24:13,457 --> 00:24:15,720
[ Chuckles ] Let the lass
come to the Wash Pit instead
606
00:24:15,763 --> 00:24:17,243
to see my show.
607
00:24:17,286 --> 00:24:22,074
It hath love, loss,
and, of course, laundry!
608
00:24:22,117 --> 00:24:23,728
Are you a mud beggar,
too?
609
00:24:23,771 --> 00:24:24,990
-[ Gasps ]
-Quite the opposite, really.
610
00:24:25,033 --> 00:24:26,470
Please meet
Prunella Bubblebottom...
611
00:24:26,513 --> 00:24:28,167
Whoo!...Washer Wench.
612
00:24:28,210 --> 00:24:30,038
[ Chuckles ]
613
00:24:30,082 --> 00:24:33,607
Oh.
614
00:24:33,651 --> 00:24:38,307
Thou hath had a tear
recently upon thy cheek.
615
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:41,397
What ails thee, my fairest,
most prepossessing friend?
616
00:24:41,441 --> 00:24:43,138
Man: God save the Queen!
617
00:24:43,182 --> 00:24:45,227
Redhead.
What's happening?
618
00:24:45,271 --> 00:24:46,838
Her Majesty awaits.
619
00:24:46,881 --> 00:24:49,014
Surely the good mistress
remembers Queen Elizabeth
620
00:24:49,057 --> 00:24:52,539
and her most trusted courtier,
William Shakespeare?
621
00:24:52,583 --> 00:24:55,934
Shakespeare was never, like,
in Elizabeth's court, you know.
622
00:24:55,977 --> 00:24:58,240
Woman:
Make way for the Royal Court.
623
00:24:58,284 --> 00:25:04,725
??
624
00:25:04,769 --> 00:25:07,641
Well, she definitely
remembers me.
625
00:25:07,685 --> 00:25:09,817
I'll see you at the show,
mistress.
626
00:25:09,861 --> 00:25:12,559
Aye, aye, Captain.
627
00:25:12,603 --> 00:25:15,257
Stick, stick.
628
00:25:15,301 --> 00:25:17,303
[ Applause ]
629
00:25:17,346 --> 00:25:25,267
??
630
00:25:25,311 --> 00:25:33,188
??
631
00:25:33,232 --> 00:25:41,153
??
632
00:25:41,196 --> 00:25:49,204
??
633
00:25:49,248 --> 00:25:51,642
[ Indistinct speaking ]
634
00:25:51,685 --> 00:25:54,732
??
635
00:25:54,775 --> 00:25:56,690
[ Applause ]
636
00:25:56,734 --> 00:26:03,392
??
637
00:26:03,436 --> 00:26:10,138
??
638
00:26:10,182 --> 00:26:16,797
??
639
00:26:16,841 --> 00:26:18,146
Make way!
640
00:26:18,190 --> 00:26:21,236
Whoo-hoo!
641
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,151
I found him!
642
00:26:23,195 --> 00:26:25,632
I met my husband!
643
00:26:25,676 --> 00:26:26,633
[ Cheers and applause ]
644
00:26:26,677 --> 00:26:28,679
Thank you!
645
00:26:28,722 --> 00:26:30,376
What's your name?
646
00:26:30,419 --> 00:26:35,033
??
647
00:26:35,076 --> 00:26:37,078
All: Huzzah!
648
00:26:37,122 --> 00:26:42,214
??
649
00:26:42,257 --> 00:26:45,521
Let's start the bidding
at 10!
650
00:26:45,565 --> 00:26:54,748
??
651
00:26:54,792 --> 00:27:04,018
??
652
00:27:04,062 --> 00:27:13,332
??
653
00:27:13,375 --> 00:27:15,160
Woman:
Huzzah for the tipper!
654
00:27:15,203 --> 00:27:16,814
Hey, hi. Excuse me.
655
00:27:16,857 --> 00:27:18,511
[ Gasps ]
Do you know where
the mud pit is?
656
00:27:18,554 --> 00:27:20,426
Hey ho, dear friend.
657
00:27:20,469 --> 00:27:22,646
[ Normal voice ]
So, you and Pizzle?
658
00:27:22,689 --> 00:27:24,517
Oh, no, no, no.
We are not -- we didn't.
659
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,866
We -- no.
660
00:27:25,910 --> 00:27:27,476
You're wearing
his chemise.
661
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,002
That shirt has seen
a lot of morning-afters.
662
00:27:31,045 --> 00:27:32,525
No judgment.
663
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:34,092
[ British accent ]
And if I might say,
664
00:27:34,135 --> 00:27:37,095
thou art one
of the loveliest ladies
665
00:27:37,138 --> 00:27:38,923
who has ever donned
these threads.
666
00:27:38,966 --> 00:27:40,228
I'm not a lovely lady.
667
00:27:40,272 --> 00:27:41,795
I'm just a lady
who needed a shirt
668
00:27:41,839 --> 00:27:43,362
that wasn't covered
in blood.
669
00:27:43,405 --> 00:27:46,713
May I escort thee to
Ye Olde Costume Rental Shoppe?
670
00:27:46,757 --> 00:27:48,193
You can be anything you want
to be,
671
00:27:48,236 --> 00:27:50,761
from a fair maiden
to a fish wife.
672
00:27:50,804 --> 00:27:52,110
[ Normal voice ]
Don't go near the hats.
673
00:27:52,153 --> 00:27:54,634
There are wee beasties
that live within them.
674
00:27:54,678 --> 00:27:56,114
Lice.
675
00:27:56,157 --> 00:27:57,942
No, there will be
no costumes.
676
00:27:57,985 --> 00:27:59,552
I don't even know
why I'm still here.
677
00:27:59,595 --> 00:28:01,989
[ Chuckles ]
The faire does that to people.
678
00:28:02,033 --> 00:28:04,339
I came for one day
five years ago
679
00:28:04,383 --> 00:28:05,732
and never left.
680
00:28:05,776 --> 00:28:06,907
Lulu: [ British accent ]
Prunella!
681
00:28:06,951 --> 00:28:08,866
My goodly sister.
682
00:28:08,909 --> 00:28:10,563
[ Normal voice ]
New bit. Check this out.Okay.
683
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:12,565
[ British accent ]
Mistress, hast thou seen
684
00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:14,654
our great
Queen Elizabeth's cousin,
685
00:28:14,698 --> 00:28:16,787
the one she doth detest?
686
00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:18,353
Um...
687
00:28:18,397 --> 00:28:21,400
The one our good Queen Bess
hath banished?
688
00:28:21,443 --> 00:28:22,749
Uh...
689
00:28:22,793 --> 00:28:24,011
[ Normal voice ]
Last name Stuart?
690
00:28:24,055 --> 00:28:25,796
Oh, uh, Mary,
Queen of Scots.
691
00:28:25,839 --> 00:28:27,275
[ As Groucho ] Have you seen
her undergarments?
692
00:28:27,319 --> 00:28:31,105
More like Mary,
Queen of Spots.
693
00:28:31,149 --> 00:28:32,672
Ooh, it needs work.
694
00:28:32,716 --> 00:28:34,413
Fair.
Yeah.
695
00:28:34,456 --> 00:28:35,414
[ British accent ]
If you're looking for David,
696
00:28:35,457 --> 00:28:37,546
the mud pit's
thataway.
697
00:28:37,590 --> 00:28:40,375
Thank you.
It was cute.
698
00:28:40,419 --> 00:28:41,812
One of David's?
Mm.
699
00:28:41,855 --> 00:28:43,378
New flavor for him.
700
00:28:43,422 --> 00:28:47,426
She smells like marzipan.
Ah!
701
00:28:47,469 --> 00:28:50,298
[ Gasps ]
Mary, Queen of Farts.
702
00:28:50,342 --> 00:28:56,827
??
703
00:28:56,870 --> 00:28:59,655
Oh.
704
00:28:59,699 --> 00:29:01,048
Pray tell.
705
00:29:01,092 --> 00:29:02,876
Oh, pray
your forgiveness.
706
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:04,748
No worries.
Go ahead.
707
00:29:04,791 --> 00:29:07,446
Hi. 'Tis you.
708
00:29:07,489 --> 00:29:10,275
Sir Bo.It's you guys. Again.
709
00:29:10,318 --> 00:29:12,973
Miss, please, I have
no more ducats
710
00:29:13,017 --> 00:29:14,670
for which to buy thee
libations.
711
00:29:14,714 --> 00:29:18,587
No, no, no, no, no.
I -- I am done with libations.
712
00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:20,415
I'm leaving soon.
713
00:29:20,459 --> 00:29:22,809
Well, would you care to sit
with us for the mud show?
714
00:29:22,853 --> 00:29:24,593
'Tis most fun
in the front,
715
00:29:24,637 --> 00:29:27,205
where one could get
bespotted with mud.
716
00:29:27,248 --> 00:29:28,902
I'm good.
717
00:29:28,946 --> 00:29:30,817
You guys go ahead.
718
00:29:30,861 --> 00:29:32,776
Aye, then. Well met.
719
00:29:32,819 --> 00:29:34,734
Fare thee well.
720
00:29:37,868 --> 00:29:39,739
??
721
00:29:39,783 --> 00:29:43,612
[ Audience chanting "Pizzle!" ]
722
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:47,181
??
723
00:29:47,225 --> 00:29:50,750
[ Cheers and applause ]
724
00:29:50,794 --> 00:30:00,151
??
725
00:30:04,938 --> 00:30:09,725
To be or not to be?
726
00:30:09,769 --> 00:30:12,467
That is the question.
727
00:30:12,511 --> 00:30:15,514
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer
728
00:30:15,557 --> 00:30:18,865
the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune
729
00:30:18,909 --> 00:30:20,867
or to take --
Oi!
730
00:30:20,911 --> 00:30:25,132
Did I hear someone out here say,
"To pee or not to pee"?
731
00:30:25,176 --> 00:30:28,266
How now it be
Sir Shart O'Belly
732
00:30:28,309 --> 00:30:30,790
and faithful companion
Stick.
733
00:30:30,834 --> 00:30:32,052
Stick!
734
00:30:32,096 --> 00:30:37,884
[ Audience chanting "Stick!" ]
735
00:30:37,928 --> 00:30:39,668
I may have said "to be,"
736
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:43,716
but what I meant was,
to pee!
737
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:46,937
??
738
00:30:46,980 --> 00:30:49,896
Get this whizzle
out my Pizzle!
739
00:30:49,940 --> 00:30:52,812
[ Laughter ]
740
00:31:05,303 --> 00:31:08,088
I'm, uh, sorry about the mud,
milady.
741
00:31:08,132 --> 00:31:11,570
Listen, Humpsalot,
I need an Uber.
742
00:31:11,613 --> 00:31:13,920
I mean...
743
00:31:13,964 --> 00:31:15,530
[British accent]
canst thou send a carriage
744
00:31:15,574 --> 00:31:18,185
to ferry me the "F" out of here,
prithee?
745
00:31:18,229 --> 00:31:21,319
That's, uh -- that's not bad
with the vernacular.
746
00:31:21,362 --> 00:31:26,063
Sir Humpsalot, thy performance
was most glorious on this day.
747
00:31:26,106 --> 00:31:29,327
Aye, aye.
Thy "Hamlet" is only second
748
00:31:29,370 --> 00:31:31,938
to that
of Richard Burbage.
Indeed.
749
00:31:31,982 --> 00:31:34,898
My most deep
and glorious thank-thees.
750
00:31:34,941 --> 00:31:36,812
[ Normal voice ] Who are you two
even supposed to be?
751
00:31:36,856 --> 00:31:39,293
I be Lady Jenny Miller
from Rochester.
752
00:31:39,337 --> 00:31:42,079
And I be Sir Bo Kapinski
of Utica.
753
00:31:42,122 --> 00:31:44,211
But those aren't
real historical figures.
754
00:31:44,255 --> 00:31:46,692
Nay, milady.
They do not work here.
755
00:31:46,735 --> 00:31:48,650
Wait. What?
756
00:31:48,694 --> 00:31:51,218
Nay, nay, nay.
We attend the faire.
757
00:31:51,262 --> 00:31:53,655
We seek pleasure,
not employment.
758
00:31:53,699 --> 00:31:54,961
I'm in I.T.
759
00:31:55,005 --> 00:31:56,658
Dental hygienist.
760
00:31:56,702 --> 00:31:58,704
Playtrons.
761
00:31:58,747 --> 00:32:01,663
Play...trons.
762
00:32:01,707 --> 00:32:03,752
We must off
to the joust.
763
00:32:03,796 --> 00:32:05,667
Fare thee well.
764
00:32:11,151 --> 00:32:13,893
What kind of people dress up
and talk like that
765
00:32:13,937 --> 00:32:15,982
when they don't even
work here?
766
00:32:16,026 --> 00:32:18,506
Well, mistress,
uh, what can I say?
767
00:32:18,550 --> 00:32:20,987
It be their leidenschaft.
768
00:32:21,031 --> 00:32:22,119
Their what now?
769
00:32:22,162 --> 00:32:24,948
It's German for passion.
770
00:32:24,991 --> 00:32:28,908
Then why didn't you
just say "passion"?
771
00:32:28,952 --> 00:32:29,996
[ Normal voice ]
I was a double major --
772
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:31,302
art history
and German.
773
00:32:31,345 --> 00:32:33,347
Ah.
I went to SUNY Purchase.
774
00:32:36,002 --> 00:32:37,873
You never asked.
775
00:32:39,963 --> 00:32:41,573
[ Sighs ]
776
00:32:43,183 --> 00:32:46,839
Oh, well, I'm sorry. I've kind
of been hit with a lot recently.
777
00:32:46,882 --> 00:32:48,580
[ Scoffs ]
778
00:32:48,623 --> 00:32:55,804
??
779
00:32:55,848 --> 00:33:03,029
??
780
00:33:03,073 --> 00:33:10,123
??
781
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:13,997
I get it.
782
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:15,607
I didn't play
"Dungeons & Dragons,"
783
00:33:15,650 --> 00:33:17,783
and somehow that makes me
a bully, right?
784
00:33:17,826 --> 00:33:19,524
Well, guess what?
I don't need to pretend
785
00:33:19,567 --> 00:33:21,178
to be somebody else
to have a good time.
786
00:33:21,221 --> 00:33:22,744
[ British accent ]
Well, perhaps this pretending
787
00:33:22,788 --> 00:33:24,529
be more authentic
to who they are
788
00:33:24,572 --> 00:33:27,010
than what thou dost believe
is so real out there.
789
00:33:27,053 --> 00:33:28,707
What would you know
about it?
790
00:33:28,750 --> 00:33:30,622
You mix Shakespeare
with fart jokes for a living.
791
00:33:30,665 --> 00:33:32,015
Aha!
792
00:33:32,058 --> 00:33:33,320
Thou hast been
paying attention.
793
00:33:33,364 --> 00:33:36,454
Oh, God save the queen!
794
00:33:36,497 --> 00:33:38,282
All: God save the queen!
795
00:33:38,325 --> 00:33:40,371
Jesus Christ. Again?
796
00:33:40,414 --> 00:33:42,808
Good lady,
please step aside.
797
00:33:42,851 --> 00:33:44,766
I'm expected
at the joust.
798
00:33:44,810 --> 00:33:47,117
Here we go.
799
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,206
Do I detect a hint
of defiance
800
00:33:49,249 --> 00:33:51,382
against Her Majesty
the Queen?
801
00:33:51,425 --> 00:33:53,210
Nay, girl.
I was just going.
802
00:33:53,253 --> 00:33:55,777
Too bad our Lord Executioner,
Lady Helen,
803
00:33:55,821 --> 00:33:58,258
did not attend the faire
on this day.
804
00:33:58,302 --> 00:33:59,912
We could've had
a public flogging.
805
00:33:59,955 --> 00:34:02,784
[ Laughter ]
806
00:34:02,828 --> 00:34:04,830
Not to, again,
807
00:34:04,873 --> 00:34:07,572
point out a hole
in your little reenactment here,
808
00:34:07,615 --> 00:34:09,791
but you do know
that there never would've been
809
00:34:09,835 --> 00:34:12,968
a female Lord Executioner
in your time, right?
810
00:34:13,012 --> 00:34:15,014
Well, as I'm the most
powerful woman in the land,
811
00:34:15,058 --> 00:34:16,059
mayhaps anything is --
812
00:34:16,102 --> 00:34:19,192
Was.
Is possible.
813
00:34:19,236 --> 00:34:21,064
I could lead the flogging,
my queen.
814
00:34:21,107 --> 00:34:26,025
Nay. Sadly, Lady Helen holds
the key to the prop shed.
815
00:34:26,069 --> 00:34:28,245
Where be she anyway?Mayhap she decided
816
00:34:28,288 --> 00:34:30,073
that this particular
Queen Elizabeth
817
00:34:30,116 --> 00:34:32,423
be a wit too aggro
to deal with.
818
00:34:32,466 --> 00:34:35,643
Erin: Ugh, Amanda.
Thank God.
819
00:34:35,687 --> 00:34:38,124
Erin?We were so worried.
820
00:34:40,866 --> 00:34:44,130
Why -- Why --
Why are you so dirty?
821
00:34:44,174 --> 00:34:45,827
And damp?
822
00:34:45,871 --> 00:34:47,699
And dressed like
a poor?
823
00:34:47,742 --> 00:34:52,138
Well, I guess that would be
a fare the well for good.
824
00:34:52,182 --> 00:34:53,400
Courtiers.
825
00:34:53,444 --> 00:34:55,750
[ Fanfare plays ]
826
00:34:55,794 --> 00:34:57,274
Good riddance.
827
00:34:57,317 --> 00:35:00,277
"Troilus and Cressida."
828
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:03,280
[ Normal voice ]
Google it.
829
00:35:04,455 --> 00:35:06,152
Don't even want to know
what that was about.
830
00:35:06,196 --> 00:35:07,327
How did you find me?
831
00:35:07,371 --> 00:35:08,850
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
832
00:35:08,894 --> 00:35:10,417
You mean after looking for you
all night
833
00:35:10,461 --> 00:35:11,853
and calling the police
834
00:35:11,897 --> 00:35:14,552
and having to drug Mom
more than usual?
835
00:35:14,595 --> 00:35:16,597
I saw the tricycle
on the side of the road.
836
00:35:16,641 --> 00:35:19,905
I thought you were dead until
I saw the themed-wedding people.
837
00:35:19,948 --> 00:35:22,081
I ran back and grabbed one
of your gifts from the suite.
838
00:35:22,125 --> 00:35:23,082
I can't show up to a wedding
empty-handed.
839
00:35:23,126 --> 00:35:24,301
Erin,
it's not a wedding.
840
00:35:24,344 --> 00:35:25,693
It's a --
It's a Ren Faire,
841
00:35:25,737 --> 00:35:28,261
a Renaissance Festival.
842
00:35:28,305 --> 00:35:29,828
I don't know what you mean,
but you'll tell me later.
843
00:35:29,871 --> 00:35:31,438
Let's go.
Stick.
844
00:35:31,482 --> 00:35:32,483
-What are you doing?
-Erin, it's fine.
845
00:35:32,526 --> 00:35:33,701
Stick. Stick!
846
00:35:33,745 --> 00:35:34,833
Poke me again, weirdo.
847
00:35:34,876 --> 00:35:36,400
Stick, not now.
848
00:35:38,619 --> 00:35:40,447
What's with the stick?
849
00:35:40,491 --> 00:35:42,362
He's just trying to play
with you.
850
00:35:42,406 --> 00:35:44,712
Play? Like mug?
851
00:35:44,756 --> 00:35:46,497
Well, he's --
he's harmless.
852
00:35:46,540 --> 00:35:49,282
He's performing.
853
00:35:49,326 --> 00:35:51,937
What the fuck
are you talking about?
854
00:35:51,980 --> 00:35:54,113
Listen,
Mom called Dr. Bloom.
855
00:35:54,157 --> 00:35:55,897
She's waiting to see you
in the city.
856
00:35:55,941 --> 00:35:57,377
We can be there
in a few hours.
857
00:35:57,421 --> 00:35:59,945
People upstate
are so overweight.
858
00:35:59,988 --> 00:36:01,642
Mom, I told you to wait
out in the car.
859
00:36:01,686 --> 00:36:04,384
All right,
time to cut the shit, dear.
860
00:36:04,428 --> 00:36:06,343
Brett has been crying.Oh.
861
00:36:06,386 --> 00:36:08,345
Now, you'll go together
to Dr. Bloom,
862
00:36:08,388 --> 00:36:09,259
and you'll work it out.
863
00:36:09,302 --> 00:36:10,695
-Together?
-Mm-hmm.
864
00:36:10,738 --> 00:36:11,652
Mom, do you even know
what happened?
865
00:36:11,696 --> 00:36:13,176
Oh, yeah,
866
00:36:13,219 --> 00:36:14,655
everyone knows
what happened, darling.
867
00:36:14,699 --> 00:36:16,483
It meant nothing.
One last hurrah.
868
00:36:16,527 --> 00:36:18,224
I see you got
his side already.
869
00:36:18,268 --> 00:36:20,400
Guys like Brett don't just
show up on JSwipe every day.
870
00:36:20,444 --> 00:36:21,836
Trust me.
871
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:24,143
You're playing this
all wrong, dear.
872
00:36:24,187 --> 00:36:26,014
When Erin's father
cheated on me
873
00:36:26,058 --> 00:36:28,321
[chuckles]
I got a schooner.
874
00:36:28,365 --> 00:36:30,715
You're almosriatric,
as far as fertility.
875
00:36:30,758 --> 00:36:32,456
I can hear
your eggs cracking,
876
00:36:32,499 --> 00:36:34,719
and Erin's IVF put a real dent
in my safari budget.
877
00:36:34,762 --> 00:36:37,374
Shut up, Mom.Well, it's true.
878
00:36:37,417 --> 00:36:42,553
Do you really want to throw away
everything you almost had?
879
00:36:42,596 --> 00:36:46,121
I...
880
00:36:46,165 --> 00:36:48,254
don't know.
881
00:36:48,298 --> 00:36:49,777
[ Scoffs ]
882
00:36:53,433 --> 00:36:55,392
Okay, this place
is skeeving me out.
883
00:36:55,435 --> 00:36:56,784
I did everything.
884
00:36:56,828 --> 00:36:59,134
What?
885
00:36:59,178 --> 00:37:01,441
Everything was the best.
Everything was perfect.
886
00:37:01,485 --> 00:37:03,748
Well...And for what?
887
00:37:03,791 --> 00:37:05,619
So I could walk in
on my perfect fianc?
888
00:37:05,663 --> 00:37:07,360
getting a perfect blowjob
889
00:37:07,404 --> 00:37:10,058
an hour before
my perfect ceremony?
890
00:37:10,102 --> 00:37:12,104
Or maybe so I can be
just like you, Erin --
891
00:37:12,147 --> 00:37:14,149
married and mean
and dragging my yoga ass
892
00:37:14,193 --> 00:37:16,282
to Balthazar every Sunday
with my bitchy friends
893
00:37:16,326 --> 00:37:17,979
so we can whine
about private schools
894
00:37:18,023 --> 00:37:19,285
and how much we hate
our husbands.
895
00:37:19,329 --> 00:37:20,417
I hate Balthazar.
896
00:37:20,460 --> 00:37:22,288
You hate everything!
897
00:37:22,332 --> 00:37:23,898
Mandy, darling,
898
00:37:23,942 --> 00:37:27,772
we can fix this
without anyone even knowing.
899
00:37:27,815 --> 00:37:29,339
Like good plastic surgery.
900
00:37:29,382 --> 00:37:30,644
[ Exhales sharply ]
901
00:37:30,688 --> 00:37:33,430
Which we should
talk about.
902
00:37:33,473 --> 00:37:36,215
Um, under chin.
903
00:37:39,914 --> 00:37:41,960
I think
you're beautiful.
904
00:37:42,003 --> 00:37:46,051
??
905
00:37:46,094 --> 00:37:47,748
[ Sighs ]
906
00:37:47,792 --> 00:37:52,536
??
907
00:37:52,579 --> 00:37:55,278
I'm not going back
with you.
908
00:37:55,321 --> 00:37:56,931
Both: What?
909
00:37:59,064 --> 00:38:02,415
I'm staying. Here.
910
00:38:02,459 --> 00:38:05,331
Nay. Hither.
911
00:38:05,375 --> 00:38:07,420
Isn't this
someone else's wedding?
912
00:38:07,464 --> 00:38:09,770
What do you mean?
That's ridiculous.
913
00:38:09,814 --> 00:38:12,077
[ Laughing ]
Maybe it is ridiculous.
914
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:15,559
And maybe it's not perfect
for once in my life.
915
00:38:15,602 --> 00:38:17,256
And maybe if I don't go back
with you,
916
00:38:17,300 --> 00:38:22,043
then -- then --
then m-maybe, uh...
917
00:38:22,087 --> 00:38:26,961
I'll...find
my leidenschaft.
918
00:38:27,005 --> 00:38:28,572
[ Both gasp ]
919
00:38:28,615 --> 00:38:31,226
Veyismir,
she's speaking German.
920
00:38:31,270 --> 00:38:34,621
I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but people are mad, Amanda.
921
00:38:34,665 --> 00:38:37,015
Brett made a mistake,
but you made a mess
922
00:38:37,058 --> 00:38:40,366
and just ran away.
923
00:38:40,410 --> 00:38:41,628
Come on, Mom.
924
00:38:45,284 --> 00:38:47,460
You had such a nice prenup.
925
00:38:47,504 --> 00:38:48,809
Erin: Mom!
926
00:38:48,853 --> 00:38:50,681
[ Sighs ]
927
00:38:52,509 --> 00:38:57,122
??
928
00:38:57,165 --> 00:38:58,906
Stick?
929
00:38:58,950 --> 00:39:03,346
??
930
00:39:03,389 --> 00:39:04,999
Scotch?
931
00:39:05,043 --> 00:39:12,311
??
932
00:39:12,355 --> 00:39:19,492
??
933
00:39:21,842 --> 00:39:25,803
Mmm, God, that's good.
934
00:39:25,846 --> 00:39:28,109
It's so nice not to have
my mother mouthing at me
935
00:39:28,153 --> 00:39:30,503
across the table,
"Stop eating."
936
00:39:30,547 --> 00:39:32,636
That's awful.You think that's awful?
937
00:39:32,679 --> 00:39:36,248
She fired my favorite nanny
because she was too pretty.
938
00:39:36,291 --> 00:39:38,032
I loved Hilda.
939
00:39:38,076 --> 00:39:40,426
Oh, honey,
of course you did.
940
00:39:40,470 --> 00:39:41,906
And Hilda loved you.
941
00:39:41,949 --> 00:39:43,386
This is like camp.
942
00:39:43,429 --> 00:39:46,432
I mean, it is camp.
We camp.
943
00:39:46,476 --> 00:39:48,173
[ Slurring ] I was gonna be
a counselor,
944
00:39:48,216 --> 00:39:50,480
but then I did a summer
immersion at the Sorbonne.
945
00:39:50,523 --> 00:39:53,091
I ate so much bread.
946
00:39:53,134 --> 00:39:55,441
And, oh,
Tiffany blue accents.
947
00:39:55,485 --> 00:39:57,356
I got the sweetest
little mason jars,
948
00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:58,966
and we just, like,
set them around,
949
00:39:59,010 --> 00:40:01,055
and we had, like, a
citronella perimeter getting --
950
00:40:01,099 --> 00:40:02,405
it was gonna --
951
00:40:02,448 --> 00:40:03,928
it was gonna be
really good.
952
00:40:03,971 --> 00:40:05,973
Erin thinks
that she's so cool
953
00:40:06,017 --> 00:40:08,411
because she has a summer house
in the Hamptons.
954
00:40:08,454 --> 00:40:10,891
I mean, she's not even
north of the highway.
955
00:40:10,935 --> 00:40:12,458
[ Normal voice ] You know,
ma'am, I'm an alcoholic,
956
00:40:12,502 --> 00:40:13,720
and even I think
you should slow down.
957
00:40:13,764 --> 00:40:14,852
Lightweight.
958
00:40:14,895 --> 00:40:16,854
So, you speak French.
959
00:40:16,897 --> 00:40:17,985
Oui.
960
00:40:18,029 --> 00:40:20,031
I speak German.
Do you?
961
00:40:20,074 --> 00:40:22,729
Yeah, I told you
I was a double major.
Gotcha.
962
00:40:22,773 --> 00:40:25,079
Brett used to leave all these
teensy, tiny, little hairs
963
00:40:25,123 --> 00:40:26,690
all over the sink.
964
00:40:26,733 --> 00:40:28,518
Beard or pubes?
Beard or pubes?
965
00:40:28,561 --> 00:40:29,649
I don't know which --
I don't --
966
00:40:29,693 --> 00:40:30,824
I don't want
to play that game.
967
00:40:30,868 --> 00:40:32,609
I love that game.
968
00:40:32,652 --> 00:40:34,611
Does he not love me
anymore?
969
00:40:34,654 --> 00:40:36,177
Why does he not love me?
970
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,876
Ah, I win.
971
00:40:38,919 --> 00:40:41,095
Regret that immediately.Oh, yeah.
972
00:40:41,139 --> 00:40:43,446
I give great blowjobs.
973
00:40:43,489 --> 00:40:44,795
I learned from a gay guy.
974
00:40:44,838 --> 00:40:46,579
I swirl under the helmet.
975
00:40:46,623 --> 00:40:48,407
I rule.
976
00:40:52,585 --> 00:40:55,762
Have you ever been
in love?
977
00:40:55,806 --> 00:40:57,460
I have, yeah.
978
00:40:57,503 --> 00:40:59,592
Me, too.
979
00:40:59,636 --> 00:41:03,074
[ Sighs ]
980
00:41:03,117 --> 00:41:05,816
This doesn't end in an orgy,
does it?
981
00:41:05,859 --> 00:41:07,078
Not on Sundays.
982
00:41:12,257 --> 00:41:14,433
Can you imagine biting off
your own tongue?
983
00:41:14,477 --> 00:41:15,913
She's been out
since yesterday.
984
00:41:15,956 --> 00:41:17,784
Every summer,
these wild Ren Faire people
985
00:41:17,828 --> 00:41:19,569
get into all kinds
of trouble.
986
00:41:19,612 --> 00:41:21,179
She had these business cards
in her pouch
987
00:41:21,222 --> 00:41:23,573
that said,
"Ye Old Lord Executioner --
988
00:41:23,616 --> 00:41:25,662
for all of
your torturous needs,"
989
00:41:25,705 --> 00:41:26,663
whatever that means.
990
00:41:26,706 --> 00:41:28,534
S&M, obviously.
991
00:41:28,578 --> 00:41:29,709
[ Clicks tongue ]
992
00:41:29,753 --> 00:41:31,232
Ugh, nothing but losers,
993
00:41:31,276 --> 00:41:32,930
weirdos,
and sex freaks --
994
00:41:32,973 --> 00:41:36,716
real fringy people,
you know.
995
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:38,283
I do love the turkey legs,
though.
996
00:41:38,326 --> 00:41:39,806
Oh, sure.
Everyone does.
997
00:41:39,850 --> 00:41:42,417
Mm.
998
00:41:45,159 --> 00:41:49,163
??
999
00:41:49,207 --> 00:41:53,516
? Landlord, fill the flowing
bowl until it doth run over ?
1000
00:41:53,559 --> 00:41:57,650
? Landlord, fill the flowing
bowl until it doth run over ?
1001
00:41:57,694 --> 00:42:00,000
? For tonight we'll merry be
1002
00:42:00,044 --> 00:42:02,176
? For tonight
we'll merry be ?
1003
00:42:02,220 --> 00:42:05,310
? For tonight we'll merry be
1004
00:42:05,353 --> 00:42:08,879
? Tomorrow we'll be sober
1005
00:42:08,922 --> 00:42:10,489
[ Applause ]
67405
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