All language subtitles for Diary.Of.A.Wimpy.Kid.The.Long.Haul.2017

We have to come to Corny's. The place is
for babies.

You fit right in, Greggie.

It's not a place for babies. It's a
place for family -style dining, right,

Frank? That's right.

And the buffet's all you can eat, so
take advantage.

Thanks for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs.
Hesley. I hear their ball pit is super

deep.

It actually is the worst.

Device is away during dinner.

So I'm cruising through the spaceship,
and it looks like you get to interact

with all the aliens, so it's pretty
tight.

Pretty amazeball. I hate that Mac Digby.
He's a horrible role model. Are you

kidding?

He's like the greatest guy I know.

Hey!

Oh,

Rowley. I bet your family doesn't have
this problem with technology.

Oh, yeah, my mom's really strict about
her one -hour limit on screen time.

See?

One hour a day. That's all they need.

Some a week.

One hour a week.

I have failed as a parent.

No.

So, who's excited about the great Hesley
road trip?

Hmm? A journey across the U .S. of A to
Meemaw.

We have to go. It's Meemaw's 90th
birthday, and everyone's going to be

We're going to see family we haven't
seen in years.

Oh, come on, Greg.

I promise we're going to make it fun for
you. If I go, will you give me money to

fix my van? No. Can't we just fly?

No. A road trip is a great opportunity
to spend time together as a family.

Four days in the car.

Together?

Not exactly what I had planned for
summer vacation.

Manny, stop.

Greg, will you go help him? Why me?

Because you're the only one who can fit
in there.

Oh,

it

stinks of old socks.

If there's one thing I've learned from
my years of being a kid, it's that you

have zero control over your own life.

Take mom, for example.

She's always on me to do healthy things,
like read books and play outside.

It's the worst.

If she had her way, we'd be living like
people did before there were computers

and cell phones.

But human beings have evolved, and now
we need things like video games and

smartphones to survive.

All she cares about is family time.

Now don't get me wrong, I like my family
and all, but I'm just not sure we're

all meant to live together.

Maybe things will be better one day,
when we all have our own places and only

see each other on the holidays.

But right now, this combination of
people is just not working.

You already had 6 ,000 views.

Congrats, Diaper Hands. You've gone
viral.

I love to stick around with you losers,
but I gotta forward this to everyone I

know.

It gets worse.

Now I'm a meme.

Diaper Hands dunk.

That's pretty funny. You're not seeing
the big picture. If I don't do something

soon, I'm gonna be branded as Diaper
Hands for life.

Or maybe even longer.

Why don't we watch the latest Mac Digby
video?

Just please don't tell my parents.

What up?

Today I'm playing Mushroom Makoto.

That game's Japanese, mental, and yes,
I'm a what -the -what mushroom in a

kitchen? Boom! You got shroomed! That's
how Digby do it!

That's how Digby do it.

Classic.

Mac's the best.

If I was in a video with him, I'm pretty
sure everyone would just forget about

Dapper Hands.

Know what?

I'm going to write Mac and ask if
there's any way I can be in one of his

He can't hurt, right?

Mommy really hates Mac Digby.

But Mac figured out how to get rich and
famous just from playing video games.

No way!

Mac, you're playing already!

It says, thanks for the email, Greg.

It's my name.

I'm going to be at Player Expo this
weekend in Indianapolis from 12 to 2.

Hanging out, mashing buttons.

in making gamer history hey maybe you'll
be in my next youtube video this is the

greatest day of my life no one will
remember diaper hand when i'm in a mac

video i'm gonna be great famous but

your mom says mac digby is a bad
influence i

mean do you really think she'll let you
go to player expo to be in a video with

him

You're right.

There's no way.

What?

Player Expo's in Indianapolis this
weekend.

And get this.

Meemaw's party's in Indiana.

Player Expo is only two inches away from
Meemaw's.

I'm not sure that's how maps work.

All I have to do is make sure our road
trip brings us close to Player Expo, and

then sneak away long enough to see Mac
Digby, and then come back before anyone

notices I'm gone.

No one gets hurt. It's a win -win
situation.

Is it?

Guys!

Guys! This is way too much stuff.

These are definitely essentials.

No, no, no, no. Manny, no, sweetie. No,
we're not bringing them.

Uh, there's no room for people in here.

Maybe we should book in a plane ticket.

This was a disaster.

My whole plan was falling apart.

I have an idea.

If we take all the junk out, we can use
the boat as a trailer.

Then, if we see some water, Dad, you
could show us how to sail in fish for...

You know, fish.

Now you're talking?

Aye, aye, Captain.

Who's ready for the great Heffley Road
trip? Can I get a whoop whoop?

Whoop whoop! Don't maw.

Dork.

Meemaws, here we come.

I'm kicking.

Oh, no. No devices on this trip.

What do you mean? This is an unplugged
road trip.

No phones, no iPads, no internet.

Just family time.

The only connecting we're going to do is
with each other.

Everyone, hand over your devices.

You tricked us.

This is totally not cool.

Kids at school get way more screen time
than I do. I'm not giving up my phone.

Yeah. I'm not giving up his phone. I'm
not giving up mine. And he's not giving

up. I'm not giving mine up. Who do you
think you are bossing us around?

You want me to read?

I'm reading text.

What's the difference?

You're the worst mom ever.

Yeah.

Without devices, there's absolutely
nothing to do.

Look at this thing. Read a book. Read a
book?

Summer vacation.

Stupid.

Yeah. Listen to your mother, boys.

Frank, the band goes for you, too.

No, no, no, no, no. I got to check the
route.

No, you don't.

We have GPS.

And if that fails, I brought a map.

We'll kick it old school.

Yeah, I like this right here.

Estimated time on road, 47 hours and one
minute.

You're hungry?

I'm happy to provide.

Let's be free, baby, and cruise the
world.

Are you with it, girl?

Do whatever you want, whenever you want,
with whoever you want.

Feel free.

Who cares what they say?

Do we have our phones back yet?

Nope. The bag is closed.

When's the bag going to open? It's not.

Well, when's the bag not going to not
open?

Okay, okay. I have something fun to pass
the time.

Who has a guilty conscience?

It's a simple game.

Someone takes a card from the deck and
reads it aloud.

If you've done the thing on the card,
you get a point.

The first person to three points wins.

I must confess, I once owned an unusual
pet.

I had a pet tarantula in college.

No way.

Yeah. His name was Terry Angela, and he
was awesome.

One point.

I must confess, I once had a crazy
hairstyle.

Guilty. I dyed my hair pink when I was
younger for a summer.

When did you guys stop being fun?

Well, your dad and I were young once,
too, you know.

Can I read the next one?

Yes.

I must confess, I once broke a window by
shooting a BB gun and blamed my little

brother for it.

Yeah, I totally did that. I'm tied with
Mom and Dad.

Read another one.

My turn.

I must confess, I once drove my mom's
car when I didn't have a license and

scratched the door very badly.

I did that too.

Boom. One more point.

That's plus one. Plus another point.

I must confess, I once toilet papered
the house of the sweet old lady who

next door to me.

Yes.

Guilty as charged.

Like this game was made for me.

I own you losers.

Oh, yeah. I win.

I won.

Now I get my van fixed, right?

I'm very sorry for toilet paper in your
house, ma 'am. It was a very bad thing.

And I would be honored to mow your lawn
and...

Clean that car for the rest of summer to
make amends.

Okay, thank you.

Bye now.

You are so dead.

I left it at home.

You did what?

I made an executive decision not to
bring it. He's way too old for one.

You know, this trip is a perfect
opportunity for him to go cold turkey.

It was all they had.

I don't want to post it online. It's
hilarious. No!

No Instagrammy. No snappy chat.

I agree with Greg's stomach. We need to
eat.

If you wake Manny up in the middle of a
nap, he goes completely ballistic and

there's no calming him down.

So when he's asleep, Mom and Dad do
everything they can to keep him that

Okay, guys. Ready?

Got it.

Whole wheat bagel, cream cheese,
bologna, and apples. You know, we should

up. Divide and clunker.

Hey!

Did you get anything on Mom's list?

Relax, baby.

I got better stuff.

Want to check out the pool?

Sweet!

Huh?

What a rip -off!

They should be sued for false
advertising.

At least there's a hot tub.

But look at those weirdos.

Or should that be beardos?

Good one.

Frank.

This place is disgusting.

It's not so bad.

It's just for one night.

Nobody uses the bathroom. We'll clean up
at the next stop.

Let's eat.

What were you two thinking?

We can't make dinner out of uncooked
cinnamon rolls and bubble gum?

No, duh.

They're for dessert.

I got us a microwave pizza.

Roderick, that's a mini -safe.

Huh.

And they disguised it as a microwave.

Pretty smart.

Did you guys get anything on my list? I
couldn't read your curly, oldie English

writing.

Do you mean cursive?

Cursive?

Is it okay if I go use the hot tub?

Yeah, sure. Just don't wake Annie when
you come back in.

I am so hungry.

Grandparents react to diaper hands.

Hey,

cheese nips.

What are you doing here?

Thought I'd join you.

In case any hot chicks who dig musicians
show up.

You got your phone from the van?

It's from Rowley.

Have fun at Player Expo Zooey Mama.

What a dork.

Player Expo?

You're planning to go to your little
nerd convention.

Oh, this is too good.

I'm telling Mom.

No, watch it! Give that back!

After your little I confess stunt today,
this is my chance to even the score.

Maybe Mom and Dad will even give me the
money to get my van fixed.

No, no, no, wait.

If you need money, I have a better way
to get you some.

To get a lot.

Come with me to Player Expo.

There are Hawkgirls everywhere.

Why is she wearing armor with a bikini?

It's called cosplay.

And there's a lot of it.

Are those even real?

I doubt it.

People make their weapons out of foam
and stuff.

But the best part is, there's a video
game drummer competition, just like Rock

Band, and I think the prize is about $1
,000.

$1 ,000?

I'd be able to buy ten vans with that.

But now you're telling Mom.

I guess there's no way I'm going.

If I say we're going, we're going.

You get that, Chico?

What are you doing?

This isn't what it looks like.

Are you doing work?

Okay, it is what it looks like.

Look, I couldn't tell my boss I was
taking the week off. You get that,

Yeah, I totally get that.

But if Mom found out, she'd go
ballistic.

I know.

That's why you and I need to... Did you
take your phone from the van?

Um, no.

If Mom found out, she'd go ballistic.

Okay, okay.

I'll put it back.

I won't tell Mom I got anything.

I promise.

The thing is, I want Mom to be happy.
I'm sure you don't want to disappoint

Do you?

Definitely not.

Nobody's here to keep this little
arrangement between us guys.

What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her,
right?

Am I supposed to sleep?

Some people are trying to sleep.

Put some pants on, creep.

Oh.

You guys think that's funny.

Well, you won't be laughing when I
report it to the manager, and he throws

and your whole bearded family out.

Oh, yeah?

What is going on out here?

Come here, punk.

Dad! Dad! Help!

Hey. Huh?

That's your kid?

What kid?

That...

Why would I have to sleep in the closet?

Just went for a quick jog.

In your underwear?

I like the fresh air.

Oh. Honey, that's not a good idea.

What's with all this standing around?

Let's get back on the road, right, Mom?

I'm with Greg.

Open road, here comes the Hefley family.

Seriously, next time wear pants. There's
a lot of weirdos out there.

And beardos.

This song is such a bummer.

Quadrick, get back.

What is this? Is this even music? Call a
diaper dude demo.

You're welcome.

Yeah, thank you.

My drum song was coming up. It's 13
Minutes of Heaven.

Nuh -uh.

First rule of road trip is the driver is
the DJ.

That's great, because I'm the driver,
and I picked our theme song for our

It's a family tradition.

Grandpa and Grandma used to pick music
and us kids would sing along.

Oh, yeah.

Mm -hmm. I like that.

I know.

It was a big hit when we were dating,
right?

You win.

I choose hola, learn to speak Spanish.

Let's start with the most common
greeting.

Hello or hi.

Hi is simply hola in Spanish.

Can you try that, please?

Hola. Hola. Did you get that right?

To drink translates to beber.

Try saying that.

You guys are in for a treat.

The country fair will be a great
opportunity for you to see how people

the real America. Wait, so where do we
live again?

You guys are actually descended from
country folk.

Peepaw's father worked three jobs until
he had enough money to buy his own land

to grow soybeans.

Why would anyone want to grow soybeans?

Great story. Wake me up when it's over.

Wow.

Wow. Were we this bored when that
happened?

If we agree to go to this country fair,
can we get our phones back after as a

reward? No.

How about just for an hour?

We do something for you, and you do
something for us. That's fair.

The country fair is a treat. You don't
get a reward for agreeing to a treat.

boys are going to the country fair, and
you're going to enjoy yourselves. Do I

make myself clear?

Hey, what do you say we split up? You
take Manny on the rides, and I'll show

these boys how to win some carnival
games, huh?

These guys don't need a parent getting
in the way.

It'll be good for them to spend time
together.

All the rides look lame.

And old.

Really old.

You guys go, get your country on, fit
some feet, ride some hay, and don't

to eat something healthy, okay?

Take advantage of all the amazing
produce here.

Definitely, yeah.

Yeah, produce.

Go ahead.

Mmm, have fun.

Deep -fried butter on a stick?

Oh, my.

Here you go. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Two deep -fried butters on a stick,
please, amigo.

Regular or extra crispy? Extra crispy,
obviously.

This is the best moment of my life.

Maybe we should get a funnel cake and a
sausage to eat. Ice cream's on the bus.

We need to leave.

Huh?

I'll take two more.

Dad, I'm crutching out.

Can we go?

I am in a serious bind. I need to make a
work phone call.

Where's Mom?

She's in line for the port -a -potty.

I figure I've got like 20 minutes.

Can you do me a favor? Can you take him
over to the livestock tent?

I can't have him melting down while I'm
on this call.

Me take him?

Yeah. Spend some quality time with your
brother, all right?

Ten bucks. Ten bucks?

Perfect.

Step on up here, folks. Not now, Manny.

Ah!

Okay, okay.

Who's next here?

Hey there, little fella. Let me ask you
something.

Can you see that pig right there?

How much you think that pig weighs?

Honestly, he just wants a lollipop.

Oh, well, now, for a lollipop, I'm still
going to have to have a guess.

But he can only count one, two, three.

Well, butter my butt and call me a
biscuit.

Old Wilberta there weighs exactly 456
pounds on the nose.

How about that? Bless you, little heart.

Honey, you won the grand prize.

How about that, ladies and gentlemen?

Manny, this is awesome.

Now, just be gentle with him now.

Go ahead, they'll take you.

There you go. Look at him. Oh, no, no,
no. We can't take this pig.

You're saying that you're not going to
let the little one keep it?

A boy needs a pig.

We don't live on farms.

We're normal people.

You're saying folks that live on farms
ain't normal.

That's not what I mean.

We don't have anywhere to keep it.

Ma 'am, you won't let a pig inside your
house with your baby, would you?

We'll take our pig and go.

All right, we had a winner. How about
that? Grand prize winner, ladies and

gentlemen.

Please don't poop.

I got you, kid! No, I can hear you fine.

Dad, here's a man. You gotta go.

Wait, no!

Hey, why are you being such a fass?

I decided to write the alien abduction.

Let's rock.

Stay against the wall and keep your
hands to yourself.

We're off.

I knew I shouldn't have ate that thing.

It can flutter.

I'm not an A student of physics or
anything, but I'm familiar with the

what comes up must fall down.

Like a deep -fried butter.

Oh, God, no!

It's in my mouth!

Let's get out of here.

Where did you go? That was an important
phone call.

Okay, all right, let's still keep this
between us, all right? Oh, you guys are

all together.

Did the Hathley boys have fun?

Absolutely, an amazing time together.

That's right.

In the... The livestock tent?

In the livestock tent.

Right. That's... Yeah, but you know, now
that I think about it, keeping a pig,

that's not a good idea because it's not
a pet and it belongs in a barnyard and

we should take it back.

I love my piggy.

And this is just occurring to you now?

I think it's great we have a pig because
now we'll be able to get bacon from it

every morning.

The truth is...

I wasn't 100 % there when Manny won the
pig. He was with Greg.

I couldn't help it. I really didn't want
to take it, but there was a lot of

pressure from them deaf farmers.

What is going on here?

I wasn't with them because I had to make
a work call.

Frank! I'm under a lot of pressure right
now. And honestly, I don't think a

total technology ban is realistic.

I need to make calls to the office, and
Greg's a modern kid using his phone.

It's in his DNA.

What?

Greg's been using his phone, too?

Oh, come on. You made a deal with me.

Will someone please pay for my van
repairs? Stop.

Let me get this straight.

You and Greg have been using your
phones, and you both conspired to keep

from me?

We're leaving.

And we're keeping the phone.

What is your name?

Translated word by word.

What translates to gas?

What's the matter with him?

Greg, please tell your father that his
pig probably needs to use the bathroom.

You know, I can really use the bathroom
too.

I drink way too much lemonade.

Okay, then tell your father to pull over
at the next gas station and you can

take his pig in with you.

What? Just going to have to keep your
legs crossed.

The next exit is 37 miles.

37 miles?

That's way too far.

It's no use.

I can't hold it.

Don't spill any.

It's spilling

off. Then stop peeing. It doesn't work
that way.

I've started. Now I've got to see it
through.

He's right.

The piggies better potty train than you,
Greg.

Oh, my God!

What's happening?

Oh, my God!

Nobody touches the minibar.

I'm not paying $7 for a cookie.

Where's the pig gonna sleep?

The pig can use the minibar and we
can't?

You realize this will probably cost more
than the hotel room.

I love you, Peggy.

Please let me take this call, and I will
put work aside for the rest of the

trip, okay? Nothing but family time, I
promise.

Nothing but family time? Okay, deal.

Get it over with.

Boyd, let's help your dad be quiet for
the next ten minutes so that he can

finally put work behind him and join the
vacation.

Sure?

Whatever.

Quiet. Here we go.

Hey, this is Frank.

Hi, Julie. Yes.

I'm sorry things just snowballed on my
end, uh -huh.

That's not a problem. I can handle that.

Okay.

Uh -huh.

Shhh.

Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh.

Yeah.

Throw it out.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, there's a
weird connection.

Uh -huh.

That's great.

Thanks, everybody.

I'll be lucky to have a job come Monday.

Had to take a road trip. Had to take a
road trip.

Logic, I thought Memog was just two
inches from Player Expo.

But on this map, it's like seven.

So?

So we're going to be too far away from
it.

I'll never be in the Mactic V video, and
you'll never win your thousand dollars.

You better fix this mess, El Torco. I
need that money.

I have an idea.

Changing destination to Parkway
Convention Center.

Manny and the pig had really bonded.

But from the look on Mom and Dad's
faces, I could tell that its days with

Halfway family were numbered.

How do you say the word your name in
Spanish?

Will you say su nombre, or mi nombre, or
su

nombre?

I just don't get it. We're miles off
course. That's why you shouldn't trust

technology. If we just used a map
instead of the GPS... Don't worry. I

can make up the time tomorrow.

I hope so.

Guys, come here. Check this out.

Come here. I made it for Meemaw's
birthday.

It's a memory book.

That's Meemaw when she was a baby.

Is she a boy or a girl?

Wow.

Who's that soldier?

That's Meemaw's brother, Fred, in World
War II. She'll show you his medals if

you ask her. He was a tough old guy.

This is our family history, you guys.

This book dates all the way up to... No,
no way, no, no, no.

No, you can't show her those photos.
Yeah, Mom.

You can't give me my photo of my naked
butt.

No, it's so cute.

Okay, guys, come on. We've all got to
get up early.

Let's get ready for bed. We do, okay.

Come on.

Get your pajamas on, everyone.

Sweet. Tomorrow we ride, compadre.

I don't know how we're going to get to
the expert.

Do you have any money?

We don't need money. We'll use Uber.

It's completely... free.

Free? But how do they make a profit?

I don't know. I'm not a business woman.

See? Your money changed hands.

It really is free.

It's incredible.

But I didn't think it would take an hour
to drive a two -engine.

This is incredible.

I know. I've never seen so many dorks in
one place before. These are my people.

This is where I was meant to be.

Diaper! It's a diaper!

Diaper! It's a diaper, man!

It's a diaper!

be late to Meemaw's party and I don't
know why they're not answering their

phones. You did say no technology.

Are you seriously giving me the I told
you so look right now?

No.

Welcome to Rock Drummer. This contestant
said he's a professional.

Let's see how he does.

My grandma jumps better than that. Time
to rock out of here, champ.

I guess Roderick won't be getting his
van fixed anytime soon.

We've been to the convention, had a
swell time, going home in the morning,

nobody's in either way.

It's been too long. I'm going to call
the police.

I need to file a missing persons report.
It's my two sons, Roderick and Greg.

Roderick is 16 and Greg is 12.

What are they wearing? I don't know.

Roderick's wearing a black motorhead t
-shirt and Greg's wearing a twisted

wizard baseball tee with blue sleeves.

How do you know that?

player expo right now the hottest ticket
in town and there is no better place to

discover what the new hottest trends are
what do your parents think about you

guys coming to the expo to play video
games oh they have no idea frankly jill

they're a little slow well they are a
little slow if you're here and they

know where you are why don't you come on
down and join them here because it's

loads of fun at the expo and look at the
fun they're having now Actually, I'd

like to report a double murder at Player
Expo in about 30 minutes.

Right now on the main stage, we have the
great Mac Digby!

Look! There he is! The game, Downhill
Death Race!

That's how Digby do it!

This is awesome!

Mac is about to beat the world record!

Once people see a video of me and Mac
Digby, I'll be the coolest kid in middle

school!

Everyone will forget about diaper hands.
No one will ever forget about diaper

hands. It's way too funny.

Nuh -uh.

I have an appointment with Matt Digby.

He sent me this email inviting me to
play with him.

They sent it out to every kid in here.

The line is back there.

Email was just a trick to get Kenny to
show up today.

There's no way I can win that line.

I'll never be in a YouTube video with
Mac Digby. I'm going to go down this

real quick.

Shred some fresh powder.

I'm left.

How do you like that, noobs?

Okay, so make sure me and Mac are both
in shots.

And I'll make it seem like we're both
hanging out.

Then I'll post it onto YouTube, and
mission accomplished.

This is where it all goes down, folks.

Matt Digby going head -to -head with
some of his biggest fans, live, here at

Player Expo.

Digby's on his game today.

At the rate he's going, this could be
his best day of gaming ever.

Catch that snowball in the face.

That's how Digby do it.

I'm about to get pwned.

Oh, this is good, guys.

This is insane.

You're witnessing gamer history.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What have you done? I was about to beat
the record.

Who are you?

I'm Greg Halfley.

You are grounded for life. And I swear.

Never again will you play a video game
as long as there is breath in my body.

Really, Greg. I thought that maybe you
would have grown up a little bit after

the whole diaper hands business.

But I guess not.

No way.

It's him.

Ladies and gents.

We have a celebrity in our midst. My
record -breaking attempt was ruined by

other than diaper hands.

make it on time you embarrass me in
front of everyone mom now i'm gonna be

as diaper forever it'll blow over you
know what won't you

lying to me i just wanted to have a nice
family trip where we all spent time

together but you don't care about that

I give up.

Take my phone.

Play games.

Enjoy yourself.

I'm done fighting.

We're two hours from Meemaw's.

It's gonna be tight, but I think we're
gonna make it by the end of the party.

What's that in the parking lot? Let him
get behind you.

Uh,

Dad? What?

You might want to stop the car.

What? Why?

Holy mother.

At me, Mars.

Hey, guys, good news!

I don't see them.

Are you going to be okay?

Those photos were irreplaceable.

I really thought coming on this trip
would bring our family closer together.

But I'll know better next time.

You want one?

Oh, Greg, I wouldn't encourage them.
There's only one.

Seriously, Greg, that's enough.

Dad, can you close the sunroof? Uh,
Roger dumbs it up, remember?

We're fine!

This

is

pretty bad for you.

You snuck to Player Expo, too.

You're as much old as I am.

No way.

I spent years lowering Mom and Dad's
expectations.

They expect this kind of stuff from me,
but not you.

I mean, sure, Mom makes you read word
books and bans you from devices because

she wants you to live a happy life, but
she just doesn't get what it's like to

be a kid in the 20th century.

I'm sorry.

What'd you do this time?

I'm sorry for changing the GPS.

I'm sorry for tricking Mom into this.

I'm sorry for sneaking away.

I'm sorry for all of it.

I appreciate your apology, Greg, but I
really wanted us to go to Meemaw's.

Well, let's not give up.

Let's go to Meemaw's.

How are we going to do that?

Dad, did you give up on that phone call
with your boss when the pig got loose in

the car?

I probably should have, but no.

And if Meemaw's brother, Fred, gave up,
do you think we'd have defeated the

British in World War II?

Definitely not the case.

And Mom, will you ever give up on making
us read books and eat healthy food,

even though we fight you every step of
the way? Of course not. I love you guys.

Exactly. I mean, things look pretty bad
for us. But we've come this far, and

Meemaw's party isn't over yet.

So shouldn't we at least try to get
there?

Greg's right.

We're going to get to Meemaw's if it
kills us.

It almost already has.

Radiator shine, got this traffic to deal
with.

One time, I couldn't reach the remote.

I had to watch this show where this guy
blasted his heater to cool his car down.

Or something.

I've heard of that.

You turn the heater on, it draws the
heat away from the engine.

Yeah! Good boy!

What are we going to do with the
traffic?

We could try a different route.

Let's do it.

One, two, three. Hey!

Hold on.

I have never been so hot.

I

don't

like this. I saw a movie once where a
bunch of mutant hillbillies led a group

tourists off the main road.

For what?

To hunt them.

And then eat them?

Roderick, you'll scare Manny. Stop.

It was a true story.

Roderick, you have not been shocked.

I'm too young to die.

I'll never play Ozmen. I'll never see
Lord of the Diver in the Hall of Fame.

I'll never get to roll Hall of Fame.

I'll never get to fanfics.

My brain!

Monster, baby!

We're stuck.

Less weight the better

I'm

gonna gun it Do it

We are in business.

What did you guys do?

Those guys are going to a hot tub.

They'll be there for hours.

Trust me.

I have a plan.

It's open.

get our stuff. Everybody search.

Oh, my God.

We are a mess.

Mom, you look like that one chick from
Mad Max.

Charlize Theron?

No.

Oh, the old one.

The one that got squashed by the water
truck.

Roadkill.

Let's use their bathroom to get cleaned
up.

Good idea.

We don't want to show up to Meemaw's
looking like roadkill.

I'm going to take Maddie back to the
van.

The van.

That's why we can't find her stuff. It's
still in their van. Let's go.

I need to use the bathroom.

Me too.

Okay. Keep watch for each other. All
right? Meet you outside.

Let's go get the boat. Okay.

Hey, it's me, Roger.

Your brother. You almost scared me to
death.

I want to let you know that Beardo's
entering the room right now.

What? Good luck, Greggy. I wish I could
say it was nice knowing you.

Kids gotta learn to clean up after
themselves.

Oh!

shoot down oh yeah then you're gonna
need these

they're

right here oh diaper diaper it's a

diaper

I want what you really, really want. I
want to, I want to, I want to, I want

I want to really, really, really want to
be with you.

If you want to be my lover, you've got
to get with my friends.

Make it up forever.

Friendship never ends.

If you want to be my lover, you have got
to give. You've got to give. Making it

too easy, but that's the way it is.

So here's a story from A to Z. You want
to get with me, you've got to let me get

with you.

M in the place you like it in your face.

Easy V doesn't come for free. She's a
real lady. We are officially

out of road.

We killed the car.

Sorry, hon.

Look!

Is that Meemaw's house?

I think it is.

So we're nearly there.

Greg, the van won't run.

It doesn't have to run, Dad.

It just has to roll.

If we all push, maybe we can get over
the hill and then just let gravity do

rest and roll right on down to Meemaw's
house. I think that might be the worst

idea I've ever heard in my life.

Okay, boys, once we get rolling, I want
you to hop in.

You got it?

On three. Here we go. One, two, three.

Come on, push.

That's it.

Here we go.

Stop working!

Come on Greg!

I can't make it!

Greg?

Happy birthday, Meemaw. Oh, what a
wonderful surprise.

Greg?

Greg, are you okay?

Oh, my God.

You said you wanted to get your butt on
the water this summer.

Happy birthday, Meemaw.

Sure.

Sorry.

Well, I guess this trip ended up being
one of Mom's better ideas.

And you know what?

It was a pretty great party.

And after we got the van fixed, And the
boat out of Meemaw's pool, we headed

home.

At least, we thought the van was fixed.

I'm not getting a signal.

Thank you so much for stopping.

Oh,

no, we don't speak Spanish.

We still don't speak Spanish.

I'm so proud of you.

So proud.

I

hope

you guys are happy. Your little brother
is super smart.

I hope he knows where he's going.

Fire! Let Robbie go.

Si, claro.

Manny.

¿Seguimos recto?

Esto no hasta aquí.

I don't believe it.

Este es el lugar aquí.

By the time we got home, everyone was
good.

Dad told his mom he needed more time
with his family, which made Mom really

happy.

And they loaned Roderick the money to
fix his loaded diaper van in exchange

him cleaning out the minivan.

Trust me, this vacation was far from
perfect.

But the one thing our road trip has
taught me is that little face time with

family really isn't that bad.

And you know, we ended up with... Plenty
of material for our own memory book.

I don't think we're going to be winning
any Family of the Year awards, but our

trip was definitely an adventure.

In fact, I can't wait to see where we're
going next year. Wherever it is, we're

flying.

Watch and learn, little bro.

Watch and learn.

Hey, lady.

My band's playing in my car. Watch this
week.