All language subtitles for Wally.got.Wasted.2019.HDRip.AC3.x264-CMRG-HI

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MITCH: But I don't understand.

JESSICA: We're just two
different people, Mitch.

Of course we're two different people.

We can't be the same person,
this isn't Fight Club.

Argh, that's exactly what I mean.

I don't even get that reference.

What the heck is a Fight Club?

Seriously?

We don't speak the same language, Mitch.

I'm sorry, but it's over.

Whoa, whoa, okay, okay,

you're right, you're right, you're right.

We may not always speak
the same language here,

but, baby, we speak the same
language right here, right?

(SNEEZING)

Oh my God.

I'm bleeding.

I'm bleeding!

Do you see my teeth anywhere?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

So in the dream, I'm
on a date with this girl.

I go to her doorstep, I get
a single rose behind my back.

I pull it out to give it to her,

it's not a rose anymore, man.

It's a dildo.

Yeah, so I toss that away.

We're walking down the street.

This little puppy comes
up to me, and I'm like,

hey, puppy, and I go to pet it, touch him,

boom, he turns into a dildo.

I touch a mailbox, a
stop sign, a lamppost,

dildo, dildo, dildo.

Its like the Midas touch.

But with dildos.

Exactly, so I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

She's all smiley, thinking
we're about to make out.

She grabs my hand, and then, boom.

That's when I wake up, screaming.

Tears, urine, it's a mess.

That's why I have plastic sheets now.

You know what Freud
would say about that dream?

What?

That it's fucked up.

Dreams are a gateway to the soul.

I was studying dream interpretation
when I was channeling

the Hindu god Vishnu on a pilgrimage

through Angor Wat, Cambodia.

Yeah, so what's your expert analysis?

That it's f'ed up. (LAUGHING)

Very funny guys, very, very funny.

It's fucked up Mitch,
because you're a stud, my man.

I mean you've got a
raging cock that's trying

to express itself, and
you've lost your way.

Hey, I was doing just
fine living on my own.

You barely ever leave the house.

Tonight you're coming out with us.

For what?

To get laid, to move on.

Get laid?

I can't even look at another girl.

Jessica stole my heart,
man, I still love her.

She didn't steal your heart Mitch, okay?

She stole your balls
and I'm here to help you

get 'em back.

You know what, you never
supported our relationship.

I should have been real
supportive when you caught

her blowing the mailman.

Hey, it was the Fed Ex guy.

Forgive me Mitch, okay.

The woman put a premium level
of care into helping men

deliver loads.

She's polyamorous, she's a free spirit.

She's a selfish bitch.

I wasn't meeting her needs.

I mean she's a very powerful woman.

I'm not saying come out
sarge some babes with us.

That's hard work.

That's why Jerry and I are
gonna be like the mama bird.

(LAUGHING) Alright.

We're gonna go out there,
lube up some lovely ladies,

talk you up, get 'em wild and ready.

You don't gotta do anything,
we'll do it all for you.

Like the mama bird, we'll go out there,

we'll catch the worm, chew it up,

spit it into your mouth.

That's disgusting.

It's a metaphor.

Yeah, I know it's a
metaphor, I know metaphors.

It's a great fuckin' metaphor.

It's not even close to a great metaphor.

Phenomenal metaphor.

It's not even a decent metaphor.

Probably the best
metaphor you've ever heard.

Here's the deal, I'm
still hurting, okay?

I don't wanna go out.

I know you're still
hurting Mitch, alright?

This is gonna stop the hurt.

You just need the next
lay, it's therapeutic.

Like Jerry's Jelly.

Jerry's Jelly, that again?

It's happening Mitch.

Dude, you've been saying that for years,

you never do anything.

We're gonna be rich.

Not talking about it we're not.

We're gonna be rich.

I finally got the first
line ready for sale.

Bam.

Really?

His own lines of
premium jams and jellies.

It's from an old family recipes.

It's something those suckers
at Smuckers can't compete with.

Can't compete with it.

Check that shit out.

You're gonna love my jam in your mouth.

Yes, you are, try some.

Oh my God, what is that smell?

Success my friend.

Same kind of success you're gonna have

when you come out with us tonight.

Oh, I don't want this kind of success.

That is not a good smell.

Want me to go get the strawberry flavor?

It'll blow your mind.

Hm, this already did.

I don't want to hold it, thank you.

Mitch I don't want to
have to tell you this, man,

but you have to come out with us tonight.

Dude, do you not get it, no.

It's Jerry, he thinks it's
his fault you're so miserable.

That's ridiculous.

Check that out.

I thought this was like
some weird children's book.

Hold on, you stole his diary?

Journal Mitch, and no,
he asked me to read it.

I don't think he knows what a journal is.

And that's beside the
point, look at the drawing.

He said something about
bringing a girl home

and you going in your room and crying.

Okay, okay, okay, in
my defense she looked

a lot like Jessica.

I had a couple drinks, started reminiscing

and you know, things
got a tad bit emotional.

He'll never tell you
man, but he feels horrible.

He says he's not dating anymore.

He says he's not gonna get
laid again until you do.

I didn't know Jerry was
capable of actual human feelings.

Even plants have feelings, Mitch.

And Jerry's not a plant, he's a person

and he's our friend.

Now he's hurting because you're hurting.

It's not just about you anymore.

Okay, okay, okay fine, fine.

I'll come out two hours tops.

I call this Strawberry Spurt.

What a lovely name.

These look exactly the same, Jerry.

It's my same face.

I know, but I mean the
jellies, they look the same.

Jerry, good news buddy,
Mitch is coming out

with us tonight.

Seriously?

Let's not get too excited, huh?

Just a couple hours.

Yes.

MITCH: Oh God, oh God no, get off.

No humping, get off me.

CHARLIE: Get it in,
get it in while you can.

Look, I'm gonna tell you this much.

I'm not gonna shave and
I'm not dressing up.

Jerry and I, we're
gonna go get some brews

for pre-game.

When we get back it's on.

Ooh, I'm gonna cook a brisket.

That always cheers me up.

Hey nothing preps
for a wild night of sex

and partying like a good brisket.

That's what my grandma always said.

Let's roll.

(HUMMING)

(KNOCKING)

U.S. Census.

(ANTICIPATORY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(KNOCKING)

Hi, Mrs. Marilyn Tuttlebaum?

Who the hell wants to know?

Hi, I'm Wally Zwas with
the U.S. Census Bureau.

We're doing our biannual
census and I just wanna

ask you a few questions.

I don't trust the
government, a bunch of clowns.

I don't blame ya, I
don't trust them either.

Look, I've been on my feet all day

and nothing would make me
happier than having a hot

cup of coffee with a beautiful
woman such as yourself.

Oh, so you think
you're smooth, don't ya?

Guilty as charged.

You know your pick-up
technique was decent

but I can teach you a few things.

Follow me.

(SULTRY MUSIC)

(CRYING)

I'm telling you man,
tonight's gonna be epic.

Mitch is finally gonna have a good time.

Get his ass out of the house finally.

His zen's a little off.

Yeah, that's for sure.

You can't park in a handicapped spot, man.

You got a parking ticket.

But I'm emotionally handicapped man.

I mean, we all are.

Take a look at the
state of the world, man.

Look at the state of your
glove compartment, bro.

You gotta pay these, man.

It'll all take care
of itself man, relax.

Okay, why not?

(TV PLAYING ON LOW VOLUME)

(LAUGHING) Mrs. Tuttlebaum.

Freaky little junkie, you.

Authorities are still
baffled at the string

of murder-robberies taking
place in Silver Lake

and South Bay areas.

Police have set up road
blocks on all roads

leaving Los Angeles County
in hopes of catching

the killer.

MALE: Here's your
search warrant, tough ass.

OFFICER: Get over here, wise ass.

Aw fuck-a-fuck fuck.

MALE: You can't just do this, man.

I have a bunch of lawyer
friends, I know the law.

You know the law.

(GROANS)

Now there's a new law.

It's called shut the fuck up.

Oh shit.

OFFICER: And that's
gonna be your easiest way

out of this, son.

Now just stand there.

Hey, hey.

(GUN SHOTS)

Oh shit.

What's he dead?

What the fuck, what's the matter with you?

This again, he doesn't even
have what we're after man.

You know how much fuckin'
paperwork this is?

Yeah, I know how much paperwork.

Jesus fuckin' Christ with you.

Go get the plant dope,
I'll take care this.

Jesus Christ, come on, settle down.

REPORTER: The Intercontinental
Heavyweight Boxing title

is on the line today in Vegas.

Oh yeah, pay me the money.

Yeah, we got one over here.

(DARK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(RAP MUSIC)

License, please.

What seems to be going on, officer?

We're on the lookout
for a person of interest.

I'm very interested.

You know, it's not wise
to joke with an officer

of the law, right?

I think maybe you should
just handcuff me then.

You know it's illegal to
serve alcohol to a minor?

A minor?

This one here.

(LAUGHING)

Oh snap.

Try to keep him under control.

Yes, ma'am.

(RAP MUSIC)

Officer Redgraves man, did you see that?

She was hot.

Hot man, did you see that ass?

JERRY: I still see it in the rear view.

You can set a dinner tray on that ass.

And feed a family of four.

Family of five.

♪ I'm an astronaut, astronaut, astronaut ♪

What the fuck?

Look at this, we're so
fucked it's unbelievable.

What the fuck?

Yeah I know, what the fuck?

Where was this motherfucker hiding?

I don't know where he was hiding.

He wants 10,000.

What's the fuckin' going
on, you fuckin' shot....

He got the whole fuckin' thing.

He got everything.

Hold on a fuckin' second, wait.

Oh shit.

It's on private.

Private what?

The video's on private.

No one else can fuckin' see it.

This guy's fuckin' with us.

Look at this dipshit,
he uploaded the video

to his own personal YouTube channel.

Look, WallyBallz69, WallyBallz69.

Dana in I.T. still owe you a favor?

Sure does.

Let's go triangulate this motherfucker.

Let's track his phone.

What kind of fuckin'
loser's gonna be home

on a Friday night anyway?

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(LAUGHING) Oh, I got you, bitch.

(LAUGHING)

(DISHES RATTLING, WHISTLING)

(KNOCKING)

United States Census, mind
if I ask you a few questions?

We don't want any.

Sir, I only need a moment of your time.

No thanks, bye-bye now.

Sir, do you understand
that census data is used

to help determine how your
government spends its money.

Roads, schools, community projects.

If you don't wanna do it for yourself,

do it for your fellow man.

Hey.

Hi, Wally Zwas.

Come on in.

Thank you so much.

Now are you Mitchell
Cohen, or Jerry Salzman?

Mitch, yeah you're
gonna have to talk to me

while I'm in the kitchen.

I'm making a brisket.

Oh great.

So how many people live at this residence?

Oh there's three of us.

Mm-hm, and are your
roommates home right now?

No, no they went out for a little bit.

They'll be back in a bit, though.

Perfect.

Hey man, can you do me a favor?

Absolutely.

MITCH: I think this brisket's
done, but I can't tell.

Would you mind tasting it?

Not at all, I love brisket.

Yeah, it's my grandma's recipe.

I'm such a klutz, I'm....

(GAGGING)

Mister, I am so sorry.

(SCREAMING)

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

Mitch, shut the fuck up.

Jerry, get the door.

What should I do with it?

Close it!

Oh God.

What happened?

He's from the Census
Bureau and I invited him in

and I tripped and I think
I may have stabbed him.

You definitely fuckin'
stabbed him, Mitch.

Oh God, oh God.

Oh God please be alive, please be alive,

please be alive.

He's dead, Jesus.

- Krishna.
- Jesus.

Think, think what are we gonna do?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go meditate.

Great Jerry, that's really gonna help.

I killed him, I killed
him, I killed him.

I just wanted him to taste my brisket

and I killed him.

Was it an accident?

Yeah, yeah, no it was a total accident.

Oh my God, that's not what the cops

are gonna think, Charlie.

They're gonna think I just.

Well I'm sure this kind of
thing happens all the time.

Seriously?

I'm just trying to get you
to calm down Mitch, okay?

Well it's not working!

I'm sure with all the
forensics and ballistics

and geriatrics and whatnot,
modern police are gonna know

exactly what happened.

No, no Charlie, nobody
was here to see this.

It's my word versus the
dead man's and he's not just

any dead man.

He's some slug from the Census Bureau.

Oh my God, he works for the government.

I killed a federal agent, Charlie.

Oh my God, oh!

Calm down, Mitch.

Why me, why me, I've never hurt anybody.

Well, anybody else.

It's gonna be fine.

Yeah, yeah, no no no no no, it is.

It is Charlie, it's gonna
be fine because we're not

gonna ever, ever, ever, ever
tell anybody about this.

We're not gonna call the cops, no, no, no.

We're gonna get rid of
this body and we're never

gonna talk about this again.

You're gonna help me, right Charlie?

You're gonna help me.

What, no, no.

No? Oh my God, oh my God
I'm going to federal prison.

I'm gonna be somebody's bitch.

We're three regular guys.

How do we get rid of a dead body?

Nobody's gonna believe that I tripped

and accidentally stabbed
a man in his heart.

Please fuckin' help me.

Please, please Charlie, please.

Fine, fine I'll help you okay?

Thank God, thank God.

Fuck, fuck man, fuck.

Alright, alright, we've
seen about 200 movies

where they had to get rid
of a dead body, right?

So we'll think of something,
so think, think, think.

Let's think of something, let's think.

Yes, start thinking.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking, nothing.

I can't think of anything.

What do we do?

We'll Breaking Bad him.

Yes, what is that, what does that mean?

We just take the body,
we put it in the tub

and we pour acid on it
and it just melts away.

That's awesome!

Do you know the chemical
compound they use?

It's on Netflix, we'll look it up.

What? They don't give you
the actual chemical recipe

on the show, dumb-dumb.

What do you think, MacGyver
taught us how to make TNT

out of baking soda and staples?

No he didn't.

Well fine, we'll bury him then.

We fuckin' bury him,
what do you fuckin' want

from me, huh?

That I like, old school.

We'll bury his ass.

At the graveyard.

What?

That's the last place
anybody would look.

No, no no no no no no, no.

I got it, we'll drive him upstate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll
drive him deep, deep,

deep into the woods and
we'll bury his ass, done.

We can't leave the city,
there's checkpoints everywhere.

They're looking for some kind of killer.

Aw shit, shit, what are
we gonna do with the body?

As soon as we pull the knife out.

What the hell, what did you do?

What the fuck man?

Put it back in!

Okay, move your hand.

(SCREAMING)

What did you do?

I tried to put the knife back in.

Yeah, but your re-stabbed him.

No, not re-stab him,
put the knife back in

like you told me to.

Well you stabbed him in the fuckin' ear.

Did I, did I, did I stab him in the ear?

I wasn't fuckin' aware of that.

(SCREAMING)

Charlie, lift up the body.

Mitch, put the garbage
bags under the body.

Okay.

(GROANING)

CHARLIE: There you go,
put it on, come on, come on.

JERRY: Lift up his arms.

There, that will buy us a few hours.

At least he won't be
bleeding all over the place.

Meditation centers the mind.

Why did you put jelly all over him?

Jerry's Jelly has many
medicinal properties.

Is that an ear, man?

Yes it is.

That normally goes on
the side of the head,

not the ground.

Astute observation.

Hey Jerry, do you know
how to get rid of a body,

by chance?

Booty?

No, I said body.

(LAUGHING) I thought you
said Jerry, do you know how

to get rid of a booty?

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Ah, I need to go blaze a J, man.

We've gotta figure this out, alright?

We've gotta get the
body out of here before

it starts to smell.

I got that covered.

(SPRAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Okay.

We don't want to bury
it, so let's dump it

in the garbage dump.

No we'll be seen, it's too obvious.

Fine, take it to the river.

We're in L.A., there are no rivers.

To the reservoir.

What? No, our drinking
water's already so unhealthy.

Plus there are cameras everywhere, moron.

Fine, I'm just brainstorming alright?

There's no bad ideas in brainstorming.

There's plenty of bad
ideas in brainstorming!

Obviously there are like
seven of them you just had.

Oh fuck.

Just calm down, Mitch.

I can't do this anymore.

Just calm down, Mitch.

Get the thing, get the thing.

Calm down.

I can't breathe, get Mr. Tickles!

Alright, chill the fuck out.

Alright breathe buddy, breathe.

I need you awake, breathe.

Am I just really high
right now or is this

actually happening?

So good, so good.

- Do you guys...
- Breathe, breathe.

Wanna be alone?

Hey, Mitch has been having
panic attacks like this

since his mom died, okay?

Dude's got some problems.

Back in the day you
call this guy a pussy

he'd do anything.

He'd fight motherfuckers twice his size.

We called him the barbarian.

But after his mom died he lost his edge.

Breathe buddy, breathe, you okay?

I'm good.

I know this isn't pleasant,

but we need to deal with it, okay?

Okay, okay, okay sorry, I'm such a spaz.

So if you're in the middle of nowhere

we could just bury him.

Of course.

But we're in the middle of a big city,

there's millions of....

Wait, what?

That's it, we hide him in
plain sight like Heisenberg.

Again with Breaking Bad.

What does L.A. have tons
of, more than other cities?

Breast implants.

Homeless people, poverty.

Okay.

Bring him down to Skid
Row, there's people living

in tents, homeless people.

Murders happen all the time there.

We dust the body for prints
and we just leave him there

with a bunch of homeless people.

Oh great just drop
him off like an overdue

library book.

What you got a better idea?

Nope, nope that one's pretty good.

I'm gonna go with that one.

CHARLIE: Okay.

So how the hell we
get the body out of here

without people seeing it?

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but I think it's the only way
we're gonna pull this off.

But we have to play it cool.

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)

What is he, drunk?

Yeah, he's a drunk motherfucker.

SCAGGS: That bitch
got a whole fuckin' crew.

(GUN CLICKS)

Not for long.

Looks like he had one too many.

You have a wonderful night, sir.

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)

♪

♪

♪

Fuck is up with the
outfit that you guys chose?

It's the only outfit that fit him, okay?

My grandmother gave it to me.

It's like 20 sizes too big for me.

Nothing else fit.

Hey you guys wanna
sing Bohemian Rhapsody?

BOTH: No.

Was it really smart to have him drive?

Say what you want about
Jerry, he's the only one

of us with a working car.

It's the ultimate driving machine.

That's a BMW.

No, this is a Toyota.

Relax Mitch, we're halfway home.

Just gotta keep a cool
head, stay grounded.

What the hell are you doing?

You're right, bro.

Gotta feed the physical
body, gotta stay grounded.

What are you fuckin' nuts?

We can't let anyone see him, back up.

Back the fuck up, man.

Let's get out of here.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Fuck.

Hey uh would you mind backing up?

Hey would you mind sucking my dick?

Alright it's too late now.

Everybody act normal.

We're just four friends having
a night out on the town.

Everything's fine.

We go up to the order
box, order some food,

and nobody sees.

Evening, gentlemen.

(YELLING)

Oh shit.

Can I get your order
and speed it up for you?

Yeah, I'll have a
double beast style, fries,

and an orange soda.

You guys want anything?

Charlie, Mitch, Wally,
do you want anything?

Of course not, I forgot, Wally's dead.

What the fuck are you doing?

(LAUGHING)

So just one?

Oh what the hell, I'll
have two of the same.

I didn't have a chance to
eat any of your brisket.

I'm hungry.

Yeah weird, I'm not hungry.

Oh well I'll get that
order going right up

for you sir, okay?

What the hell, Jerry?

I think you should meditate
man, or at least don't toke

again until we figure this out.

And Mitch, you gotta chill, my man.

Alright, the only thing
we got going for us

is that we act like everything's normal.

Jerry.

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Jerry, we gotta go.

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

BOTH: Jerry.

- Go.
- Go.

What, you told me to meditate.

I'm just trying to be a team player.

Drive the fuckin' car.

Here you go, three
double beast style, fries.

Nice.

And your orange soda.

Thank you.

Have you ever seen the
inside of a private jet.

No, why do you have one?

No, I was just curious
what it would be like.

(LAUGHING)

CHARLIE: Hey Jerry, we gotta go, man.

One sec, so what's your name?

Wait let me guess.

Cassandra?

Yeah, that's on my name tag.

Oh it is?

(LAUGHING) You're right, that's trippy.

I don't mean to panic,
but they're all staring

at Wally right now.

So what are you doing later?

I don't know yet.

What about you?

Oh me and my friends,
we just gotta go dispose

of this dead body.

But after that I should be free.

CHARLIE: Dude, what the fuck man?

You're hilarious. (LAUGHING)

Can I have your number?

Yeah, sure.

Jerry, we've gotta go, dude.

Jerry we gotta go now.

- Go dude.
- Go man, go.

I'll call you.

Pretty smooth, right?

MITCH: Dude that wasn't smooth, idiot.

They were pointing at
Wally the whole time.

What is wrong with you, man?

You guys gotta be all zen, man.

She thought I was joking.

All those people were
staring at him, man.

We must be missing something obvious.

Is he leaking or something?

No he looks fine, he's
not bleeding anywhere.

Alright it was probably a coincidence.

We panicked.

Let's just finish our food, stay grounded,

and get this over with.

Great, now I'm hungry.

Wait, you're giving me your burger?

You're a little bitch,
I knew you'd be hungry.

I ordered two.

Huh.

- Cut it out.
- Cut it out.

- Cut it out.
- Cut it out.

Cut it out.

No, you cut it out.

Will you cut it out?

Cut it out.

You kids both cut it
out or I'm gonna turn

this car around.

(LAUGHING) I always wanted to say that.

I think we're here.

Okay, I saw an alley back
there so here's the plan, okay?

Jerry you get out,
you're the lookout, okay?

Mitch and I, we get the body,
we bring it to the alley

the moment you give us the
thumbs-up that everything

is clear, capiche?

Got it.

Uh, what does capiche mean?

Do you understand?

No, that's why I'm asking.

No, capiche means do you understand?

(LAUGHING) That's funny, yes, capiche.

Okay I'm glad we got
that over, let's go.

I mean Jerry's done driving.

Why can't he do this part?

CHARLIE: Oh come on man, help me out

and stop being a bitch.

MITCH: Okay, okay, okay.

CHARLIE: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is it clear?

Clear.

Alright, alright.

Whoa, cops, I love 'em.

Your friend okay there?

Yeah, um.

I'm fine.

He had a lot to drink,
but he's doing great,

doing really good.

He's a patriot.

Right.

Hey buddy.

(SNIFFS)

Your friend...

Hey Filer, come check this car out.

We're so fucked, man.

Calm down, alright, just breathe.

I need you to breathe, alright.

We're gonna make it through this.

This is the car.

The car.

This is the car.

I'll be damned.

Sir, is this your vehicle?

No officer.

Dispatch, I need you to run a check.

200 parking tickets and we found it.

We win the pool. (LAUGHING)

They play pool.

Gentlemen, have a good night.

Be safe, make sure he gets home.

Okay.

Oh we will officer, we will.

Bye-bye asshole.

Bye.

Jerry, why'd you lie about the car?

There are no lies, only hidden truths.

Thank God for your incompetence.

Now this is good though,
this is really good, okay?

We just need to not see anybody
else in this neighborhood

and we'll be fine.

Hey man.

Oh hey.

Why is there a guy in a
suit walking around Jerry?

You were supposed to take
us to a deserted part

of Skid Row.

I don't know, I just saw
a guy pissing in the street.

That could be anywhere in downtown L.A.

So then where the hell are we?

- Oh shit.
- Jesus.

No no no, this is good, this is good.

We can blend, we can blend.

What do you mean blend, dude?

Um no no no no, they'll
think he's drunk, man.

We'll be alright, we'll be okay.

Oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God.

I'm getting tired
though, I'm getting tired.

Let's put him down for a
second, let's put him down.

Put him down.

MITCH: Get rid of him, man.

CHARLIE: Alright just
put him here, put him here.

Dude, come here.

We need to get the hell out of here.

There are people like everywhere, man.

We'll figure it out,
we'll figure it out, okay?

Let's just dump his body in the dumpster.

No we can't, Charlie.

Two cops just saw us with Wally.

Valid point.

Let's just take him back
to the alley, alright?

We'll call a cab, we'll just lay low.

Everything will be fine.

We can't wait for a cab, man.

People are gonna find us in the alley.

Everyone knows to check in an alley

when there's dead bodies.

We've got no choice man, come on.

Just calm down, Mitch.

Settle down, settle down,
everything's gonna be fine.

Jerry's not helping.

We'll figure this out, okay?

It will be fine.

Where is Jerry?

Ah fuck Jerry, man, where's Wally?

Oh shit, Jerry, Jerry.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Shit I don't see Wally here.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

CHARLIE: Holy shit.

What the fuck?

You are such a good listener.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

How does she not notice he's dead?

Dude, let's get him out of here now.

Alright, chin up Mitch.

It's dark in here, we're off the streets.

You just gotta stick
together and play it cool.

Oh, like Jerry?

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Well at least he's blending.

Can we drop him at the bar, please?

Fine, drop him at the bar.

Come here Wally, come on, come on.

Alright drop him down, there we go.

Wally you're a stud, my man, yes you are.

You stick with Wally,
I'm gonna go call a cab.

What? No no no, Charlie, Charlie.

Yeah, he's a little drunk.

You guys are pretty close, huh?

What? No we aren't.

Your friend's really
getting around tonight.

It's not what it looks like.

What does it look like?

Well it looks like
he's trying to suck my,

but he's not.

He's just, this is Wally.

Wally just got wasted.

He looks fucked up.

Yeah, it's been a long night.

Yeah, I can tell.

I was just fucking with you, by the way.

Oh cool, that's really not nice.

I just, I can't stand drunk guys.

Me either.

I was at the bar with my
brother and my roommate,

but he got shit-faced and ditched me.

Oh that sucks.

What happened here?

Uh, my roommates took me
out because my girlfriend

and I broke up.

Well I'm sure the next
girl's right around the corner.

It's more of a tiff really.

We're meant to be together, so.

Oh, so like destiny.

Yes, thank you.

How long ago did you guys break up?

Approximately 192 days, three hours.

Oh, oh, that's, that's
like a really long time ago.

No it's not, it's like
a quarter of two years.

Like that lyric from the Journey song.

Yeah, you know what, you
seem like a nice person.

But could you leave me alone?

Oh.

I'm just gonna take him outside.

Come on you fuckin'.

Alright, cab's gonna
be here in 20 minutes.

So you should just relax a little bit.

I have to urinate,
your turn to watch Wally.

No no no no, I've gotta go too.

Let's just bring him.

What?

Let's take him with us.

No, I wanna pee in peace.

Come on, we'll just bring him.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

CHARLIE: I hate the
anticipation, come on.

Some weird ass shit.

I still don't see why we
couldn't go one at a time.

I can't go if you keep talking.

Funny Charlie, I can't
go because I'm holding up

a dead guy while my dick's hanging out.

- Shh.
- Shh.

- Shh.
- You shh.

- Shh.
- You Shh.

Shh shh, shh shh, shh.

(GROANS)

You fucked with the wrong guy.

Let's go, get out.

Oh shit.

MITCH: Go go go go go go.

OFFICER: You little fucker.

Wally, you're a fucking dead man.

Oh God, oh God, oh God,
Charlie I need Mr. Tickles.

I don't have fucking Mr. Tickles, okay?

Oh bros, Coco wants us to
come to her friend's house

in Silver Lake.

That's great, Jerry.

We need to find our taxi.

She's got a car.

Wait, a car?

(BREATHING HARD)

Breathe buddy, breathe.

Is he okay?

Mitch, it's okay buddy,
just breathe alright?

You don't need Mr. Tickles, just breathe.

Okay.

You guys are so weird.

I can't believe Wally's
even friends with you guys.

How do you know Wally?

No seriously like how
do you know his name?

Duh.

Where, where are we going?

We need to bring some beers
and you guys are paying.

Oh cool, cool.

Hey Charlie, why don't you and Jerry go?

I'll sit here with Wally, you know,

keep an eye on the guy.

You go ahead, I'll keep an eye on him.

And maybe some other body parts, too.

You know, on second
thought, Wally should come.

Should be a guys' event.

Let's do a dudes' trip to the store.

Wally is a gentleman,
he'll insist on paying.

Awesome.

Yeah, he loves to pay.

Alright come on Wally.

We'll be right back.

Okay.

No one notices him, okay?

They think he's drunk okay?

I got an idea anyway okay look.

This is gonna be fine.

What are you, what's
going, what are you doing?

It's on Wally tonight.

What are you doing?

What, he'll never miss it.

Yeah, of course he's not gonna miss it,

but the police don't miss it either, man.

If anything it makes him
look like he was alive tonight.

Or, killed him, stole
his credit card and went

on a shopping spree.

I hardly think a couple
of beers and a little bit

of hard A qualifies as spree.

Oh that's great Charlie,
glad to see you're really

growing as a person.

Hey Mom, look.

Don't be rude.

He's a big boy today.

I don't always drink
beer, but when I do.

What are you doing man, this is serious.

Calm down, relax, the
universe has everything

under control.

The universe?

Yeah.

I'm sorry Jerry, is
that the same universe

that had me trip and accidentally
stab this motherfucker?

Then had you get our transportation towed

because you don't know how
to pay a parking ticket?

And is this the same universe
where we got assaulted

in a bathroom, and that
same guy is now chasing us

around L.A. while we
parade a dead body around

in a fucking shopping cart?

Yeah, same universe.

Hey, hey, hey, hey come
on man, take a chill pill.

Yeah Mitch, relax,
you're projecting big time.

Projecting, I'm projecting.

Yeah, I'm projecting, what
are you Sigmund fucking Freud?

No, I'm Jerry, man, Jerry.

Oh my God.

Okay the guy in the bathroom was just

a random mugger, okay, trying to catch us

with our pants down literally.

No he wasn't, Charlie.

He chased after us, he
yelled Wally's name.

He didn't yell Wally's name.

Yes he did!

You were fucking, dude,
muggers don't do that.

They run away.

Maybe he was a really committed mugger.

Yeah, I bet he's really
just committed to his craft.

I bet he got an A plus in mugging school.

(LAUGHING) Mugging school.

I can argue about this all day with you.

But right now we have a
dead body in a grocery store

and we need to keep up appearances.

Yes we do, but what about
those girls out there?

Sooner or later they're gonna
get wind of Wally's condition.

Fine, we'll ditch 'em right now.

Alright we'll just slip out
of here, we'll call a cab,

we'll get on with our night
and what we have to do.

Great.

Where's Wally?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(AVE MARIA)

Oh my God, are you okay?

He's okay people, he's okay thank you.

But I just hit him at full speed.

Oh he's fine.

He's tough as nails, good old Wally.

We have to call an ambulance.

No, no, no, he's good.

I have to insist.

He's always doing stunts like this.

Sir, you may have internal injuries.

No, no, no, no, no.

He's solid, solid as a rock.

Ma'am, that's very Christian of you okay,

but you don't need to
call anybody, we're fine.

9-1-1.

CHARLIE: Thank you so much.

Yes, I'm at the grocery
store at Hillhurst and Grove.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.

We need an ambulance right away.

No no no, no ambulance,
no ambulance at all.

None needed here, Wally you're good right?

Very good, see he's good.

He said he's good, he's fine.

He's totally fine, he's good.

But he looks terrible, worse than death.

What, no.

Well that's rude, that's just rude.

I agree with him, he looks great.

He's a good-looking guy.

Clearly he's in shock.

Can he speak?

Yeah, yeah, he's a jabber mouth.

This guy talks all the time.

This guy talks all the time,
we can't shut this guy up.

We're playing a game,
it's called Mute Wally.

Let me hear him say it,
or I'm not going anywhere.

What?

Sir, are you okay?

(LAUGHING) Um, 94% of
communication is non-verbal.

You are disgusting,
you perv, all of you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

We've gotta go with the girls man,

we've gotta go with the girls.

You said we were gonna call a taxi.

No man, there's cops
coming and an ambulance.

Alright, fine, fine, Jesus.

Yeah exactly, I think it
was divine intervention, man.

A divine intervention erection.

You think God came down from heaven

and gave Wally a boner?

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Biological function, man.

Certain bodily functions
still happen after death.

Whatever fine, God came
down and gave him a boner.

Big fuckin' heavenly boner.

Exactly.

(LAUGHING)

What took you guys so long?

Well something popped up.

MITCH: Yeah, that's for sure.

So is this like a dinner party?

Just a few friends, intimate.

See Mitch, small, intimate.

Yeah that's awesome, yup, cool.

You're fucked, you're fucked.

Charlie, Charlie,
Charlie, Charlie Charlie.

Shit, hey Coco you think
you could maybe speed it up

a little bit?

COCO: Sure, I was just
taking it easy for you guys.

But I'll drive normal.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What are you doing, man?

You went past them, man.

Not for long.

What do we do now?

I told you those guys were following us.

We have insulation
with the house, alright?

We hang here, wait it out until
we figure out our next move.

What do you mean hang here?

We can't have Wally around people.

Relax, it's a small gathering, intimate.

Alright let's go, come on.

(UPBEAT RAP MUSIC)

Oh my God, so many people.

I'm done, I can't breathe,
I can't breathe Charlie.

Mitch, it's okay, we can blend.

What do you mean blend?

Blend, aw shit I gotta go.

Mitch, Mitch.

Holy shit.

Watch it, asshole.

Come on.

Mr. Tickles, oh yes okay.

I'm gonna be okay, okay.

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)

(LIGHTHEARTED INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

This is not what it looks like.

Again?

(LAUGHING)

I'm not sure what this looks like.

I'm just giving myself head.

I mean I'm rubbing my head.

Clearly.

I have panic attacks,
this helps me calm down.

You look like a skinnier,
weaker version of the Joker.

Thank you.

Or that perverted Albino
monk from the DaVinci Code.

It's like you're doing whiteface.

I didn't even know that was a thing.

I'm offended.

So am I.

Here.

Thank you.

(CHEERING)

Shit.

I am really sorry about earlier.

I was such a dick.

Eloquently put.

Thank you, and my friends
they just ditched me

and left me with our drunk buddy.

Look, I was frustrated,
I took it out on you.

You did not deserve that.

It's okay, I hear ya.

I started out tonight driving my brother

and he started funneling
from a keg, got lit,

and he and his buddies
totally ditched me at the bar.

You know what?

People suck.

Amen.

How could they ditch you?

Oh, that's really sweet.

No I mean you drove, how
are they getting around?

This isn't New York.

Oh so yours was a question of logic?

Not how could they possibly
do without the pleasure

of my company?

Wait, that's a Steve Martin book.

Yes, I've been dropping
that allusion all night

and nobody got it.

Hah, well excuse me!

I wish he was still doing stand up.

He would totally use that prop.

What is that, exactly?

This is a head tingler.

Yeah?

I call it Mr. Tickles.

That's creepy.

Oh it feels so good, let me do you.

Do me?

I wanna put Mr. Tickles on your face?

What?

Your head, I'm gonna
put it on your head.

You have no game, do you know that?

Oh my game is my no game
and I'm very aware of that,

yes thank you.

Come on, sit.

Okay.

Come on.

Ready, huh?

Oh wow, it feels weird.

That's what all the ladies say.

I'm Lucy.

I am Mitch.

Hey, look at our boy.

Nice.

Hey people are looking at Wally, man.

Mitch isn't being paranoid, I see it too.

Nah, it's 'cause he's
such a good-looking mofo.

Nah, I think it's something else.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but I was wondering if I

could get a picture with him?

Oh, I'm afraid our friend's
had a little too much

to drink.

Sure, go ahead.

Thanks, cinemania.

Is Wally like some kind of
celebrity chef or something?

That was oddly intimate.

I'm an oddly intimate kind of a guy.

So those are your friends.

Yeah, yeah that's Charlie.

Been best friends since middle school.

And the surfer dude?

Jerry, he is a trip.

They were college
roommates, him and Charlie.

Who's the other guy,
he looks really familiar?

Oh yeah, (CHUCKLES).

Oh I know that guy.

You do?

How do you not know
this, he's your friend?

He's a pretty private person.

Here you go.

Will you sign my tits?

Yeah, sure.

I'm Wally's manager.

Oh hi.

I discovered Wally, actually.

And now you discovered me.

Yes I have.

You know, Charlie, I'd
really like to see Wally

in private.

Oh would you?

Well Wally, he doesn't
go anywhere without me.

Oh so the two of you can
meet me in the back room

in two minutes.

Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

Jerry, grab Wally,
we've got somewhere to be.

Dude, are you gonna use a
dead body to have a threesome?

No technically it's not a threesome,

it's a twosome.

But there happens to be a dead body there.

So a threesome.

Yeah sure, why not?

Come on, grab the body,
stop giving me shit.

Awesome, no judgment man.

Everyone has their own path.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Wait that seems really stupid.

It's called the cinnamon challenge.

People do it, they basically eat cinnamon

and then record themselves choking.

It's hilarious.

Your guy over there, I don't know.

You need to see this.

Yo Wally Zwas here, about
to do the cinnamon challenge.

Y'all think this stuff's hard?

Give me a break, man.

You're about to see the
cinnamon challenge in ways

you've never seen it before.

You ready for this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, how
many views does that have?

LUCY: Like 130 million.

MITCH: I'm sorry, what?

Piece of cake.

He's the only guy in the world to beat

the cinnamon challenge.

Oh my God, he's famous.

Yeah.

We have a famous friend, huh.

He's so humble he doesn't talk about it.

I'm gonna kill him, just kidding.

Give him to me, I only
need him for like 10 minutes.

I'm sorry sir, we're just
trying to meet somebody.

So we'll get out of here.

And what do we have here?

Three drunk ninnies from
the gen pop invading

our sacred space.

Well go get 'em!

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Wait a parsecond.

Wait a goddamn motherfucking nanosecond.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

It's an honor and a pleasure
to have a man of your caliber

in my humble abode.

I'm Randall, Randall Edgerton
and this is my little soiree.

Please, gentlemen come have a seat.

Gentlemen, I'm a little sorry
about what happened earlier.

I had no idea that I was
addressing an officer

and a scholar such as yourself, Wally.

You and I (KNOCKS) shall brake coke.

Let's engineer some memories.

It's not every day you get
to do blow with the man

who conquered the cinnamon challenge.

He's Wally.

(VERBAL SOUNDS)

(LAUGHING)

Wally please join me, please.

It would be an honor.

Yeah sure, yeah.

Wally loves his coke, he loves it.

He's so, he loves it a lot.

He loves it.

What's the problem?

Wally's digested a
lot of cocaine already

and a lot of alcohol.

Now I just think he's been
partying like 12 hours straight.

I don't think he can digest
anymore cocaine at all,

none whatsoever.

(SIGHS) Okay, I get
a little enthusiastic

at these parties.

Reminds me of my younger days, you know?

You guys probably want
to get back to the party,

get laid.

I'd love to go back to the party.

I think that's a great idea.

Then forget about me sitting
in this back room here.

I would never forget about you ever.

Desperately trying to
cling to that one last

remaining fraction of
a feeling of what it is

to be alive.

But Wally, you're right.

Coke doesn't do it, not any more.

It's not enough.

You wanna play games with me, Wally?

Wanna play a game, now we're
gonna play a man's game.

(LAUGHING) It's a good party.

Right?

Uh, I gotta go.

Uh okay.

Yeah, it was so nice to meet you.

Have a good, okay bye-bye.

Um sir, um excuse me.

Yes?

I've got nothing to say.

(LAUGHING)

I can't trust you to snort my coke,

so I certainly can't trust
you to pull the trigger.

So you know what?

I'm gonna do that for everybody.

Uh, uh, um.

(GUN CLICKS)

(LAUGHING)

Impressive.

No no no, no no no.

(GUN CLICKS)

(LAUGHING)

Okay, who's next?

What?

Health is a function
of participation, son.

No, no.

What about you, Stretch, you wanna go?

I think, what, what's that?

I think Wally wants to go again.

(CHEERING) Wally, that's
what I'm talking about, see?

That's what I'm talking about, balls.

Your balls have got balls, Wally.

I've been waiting for a
worthy adversary like yourself

for a long time.

And if you come through that fuckin' door

like a sick fuckin' angel.

(LAUGHING) You sure you
wanna do this, Wally?

Just say the word and
I'll put the gun down.

Just say it.

Just say anything.

Okay then.

(GUN CLICKS)

Wow, I knew you were a killer.

I could see it in your eyes in that video.

Alright then, let's finish this.

(SCREAMING)

(GUN CLICKS)

You are one crazy son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch, what a rush.

That is what I'm talking about.

Wally, what a rush, wonderful.

Give me a hug, come on give me a hug.

Hey, let's get you guys
back to that party.

Uh hey, Jessica, hey.

Hi Mitch.

I mean, like what are the odds, right?

I know.

You look, I mean holy sh..., wow.

Did you get my calls
and my texts and stuff?

'Cause I was.

I mean how could I not, you
were basically stalking me.

Wait was I, I'm sorry.

Who's that girl you were talking to?

Oh, nobody.

Good, 'cause it looks
like she has hepatitis.

Oh really, that's dangerous.

Yeah.

What's Charlie doing with Wally?

Yeah, Wally is a, he
is a friend of ours.

Wally's our friend,
just hanging, drinking.

JESSICA: You're friends?

Partying up.

With Wally?

Everybody.

(CHEERING)

I have met princes, I have met presidents.

But never have I met a man
that have given me the thrill

like this man.

(CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen, I
bring to you the ninth wonder

of the world, the cinnamon sensation.

(CHEERING)

Wally Ballz!

Cinnamon, cinnamon.

(PARTY-GOERS CHANTING "CINNAMON")

Anyway, I'm sorry about calling so much.

I won't bother you.

I mean it's like you always say,

us meeting up like this, maybe it's fate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fate,
I said that for sure.

Here's my new number, I changed it.

Call me, I'll pick up this time.

I will definitely call you.

There's a, yeah I've gotta get going.

I'm sorry.

What?

It was so good to see you, all of you.

I've gotta, yeah okay.

Call me.

(CHEERING)

(CROWD CHANTING "WALLY")

So much for being anonymous.

Hey man you can have as many
sexual partners as you want.

His fucking ear, shit.

JERRY: What did he say?

He said he's fucking queer.

Wally is the pillar
of the gay community.

I love the gay, let's be gay.

(CHEERING)

MITCH: Come on.

Move, move, move, move.

Dude, I think I found an ear bro.

This party is epic.

No bro, it's not your ear.

Hello, where's your body, Mr. Ear?

PARTY GOER: You think you can hear us?

Give me that, idiots.

Hey man that's our
ear, we just found it.

Sorry excuse me, how
do we stick this back on?

Jerry, do you have any jelly?

I sure do.

Awesome.

It's in the car.

Motherfucker, okay,
okay we need to get him

out of here now.

Come on Mitch, he's
the life of the party.

Are you serious?

If anyone realizes he's
dead it will be the death

of this party and of us.

Relax Mitch, what happened
to the girl you were

talking to earlier?

Lucy? I don't know man.

I'm worried about the ear.

See I told you we'd have fun tonight,

just like we planned.

Are you serious?

This is not fun, this is not fun Charlie.

Idiot!

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Charlie.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

What the heck guys, what are you doing?

Out of my way, asshole.

(GUN SHOTS)

Go go go go, go go go.

Go, go go go go.

Mitch, Mitch.

Which way did they go those cocksuckers?

They went that way, let's go.

There's a train.

(YELLING)

Shit they're after us,
they're right behind us.

One, two, three.

Oh fuck my life.

Oh we can do it, we can do it, come on.

We can do it.

Come on, hurry.

Oh shit, come on, come on.

AUTOMATED VOICE: The doors are closing.

Oh shit.

Dude, who are those guys?

Why are they following us?

Uh what guys?

The dudes that are
chasing us with the gun.

Oh I thought they were
just running. (LAUGHING)

What are we gonna do?

They could be booking it to
the next station right now.

I have no idea man, okay?

I didn't expect this to happen.

(LAUGHING) Hey look,
Wally's trying to cheer us up.

Hey you got her number.

No dude, this is Jessica's new number.

What?

I mean maybe all of this is
happening for a reason, right?

Snap out of it, man, okay?

The woman's toxic, she's
probably just using you

to get closer to Wally.

No dude, this is destiny.

Did you even get that
other girl's number?

Who?

The girl that was laughing
with you at the party.

Oh shit, I don't believe it.

Yeah, I don't believe it either.

No dude look, shit.

Holy shit.

JERRY: What?

Jerry, it's your car.

JERRY: Over here on the train?

No man, down there.

Huh.

I've got an idea, let's get
Wally and get out of this.

Okay let's put him down,
let's put him down.

I got him, here we go.

I told you man I used to
be a tow truck driver.

I'll have that thing down in like no time.

What about the driver?

We create a diversion.

Diversion, what is this, Scooby-Doo?

What's the big plan, Velma?

I'm trying to be
constructive here Mitch, okay?

Constructive, do you
see our present situation?

You want to create a
diversion while you steal

a car off of a tow truck.

There's no such thing as stealing.

I don't believe in possessions.

Oh fuck off Jerry.

It's Jerry's car Mitch, alright?

Grow a sack.

This is so ridiculous.

You got a better idea?

Wally has a better plan than this.

(YELLING)

That's not Wally.

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

Sherlock? My name's Jerry.

I told you that.

Where the fuck did he go?

Where the fuck is Wally, man?

We must have left him on the train, man.

We're never gonna catch that train, man.

We need Jerry's car.

Fine, what's the plan,
what's the diversion?

I got it okay, you go up
to the tow truck driver.

You say hey my friend's
passed out, we need your help.

I go over to the car, we go.

How are you gonna work that thing?

I told you man, I used
to be a tow truck driver.

I was like the Michael Phelps of towing.

That's a great plan,
just give me a second

to get into character.

Jerry no, we already
have this guy passed out.

We don't need you to pass out.

Now let me focus.

When I was in Thailand I learned
how to slow my heart rate

to an almost undetectable level.

It's a combination of
self-induced hypnosis

and meditation.

What, no.

Jerry we don't need you to do that.

Yes you do.

Once I'm out you won't be able to....

Jerry.

Oh my God, is he dead?

JERRY: (laughing) Oh God.

He's fine, he's fine.

I can't take this anymore.

We have two people now passed out.

Ah shit, shit, shit.

Mitch, Mitch, yes, yes panic.

Panic like a champion.

You can do that right, right?

Yeah, I can't stop myself.

Well go distract that
motherfucker so we can

get the hell outta here.

Okay, okay, okay, help,
help, help, help, help.

Sir, help, help.

You okay, man?

No, my friends are like on the ground.

I don't know what happened to them, man.

You should go help.

Oh shit.

You sure?

Yeah, I don't know,
they don't look good.

Aw man, they're dead.

Alright you can do
this, you can do this.

What the fuck am I doing?

How the?

They're not dead, they're not dead.

MITCH: They're so dead.

They're alive.

Yeah, but just barely.

That one's unconscious but he's breathing.

This one, I think his heart stopped.

Look you stay here, I've
gotta go back to the truck.

Wait what?

No no no no.

Shit.

Wait, wait, no no no no no no no.

Fine, just calm down.

Don't leave me, don't leave.

Hey, calm down okay, I'll be right back.

Ivan, Ivan, I'm on Fifth and Lexington.

I've got two people down.

They are unconscious, I
need an ambulance stat.

Also I think they've been laid out

so get some cops here quick okay?

Okay, okay.

Okay we gotta get
this, we gotta get this.

You're gonna save their lives.

Okay I just closed it.

Please be the right one.

Have you ever done this before?

No, I've never done it.

(LAUGHING)

I got it baby, Michael Phelps, I told ya.

MITCH: Wait, what is that?

Oh yes, his heart stopped.

I don't think it's
really stopped though.

No, no no no.

Oh yes, there's no fuckin'
time, his heart stopped.

Clear.

Oh.

It worked.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Sorry dude, come on
man, the cops are coming.

Let's go, let's go.

MITCH: Get him, get him, get him.

(GROANING)

Wake up, wake up, I need
you up, come on, come on.

Get in there, watch your heads.

Get in, get in.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(TRAIN BELL CLANKING)

Get off.

I think I saw God.

Dude, where are we going?

To find Wally, man.

We've gotta cut this train
off at the next station.

Go faster, we're not gonna make it.

I see the station, go go go, go go go.

(FAST-PACED INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Shit.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Police are on high alert

after another brutal home invasion slaying

and have expanded their
checkpoints throughout the city.

But they may have an
eyewitness and a suspect.

We're so screwed, man.

How did we lose him?

Somebody else much have
took him off the train.

Yep.

Somebody else must have
took him off the train, man.

Don't you see it?

We did it, man.

Someone else took him off the train.

There's nothing else linking us to Wally.

We got rid of Wally.

Holy crap, we're free dude, we are free.

We are free, we are free.

(BOTH SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME)

Guys, I just remembered I left my wallet

in Wally's pants.

- What?
- What?

I hate having stuff
in my pockets, you know.

Jerry, you idiot.

That's a fucking smoking gun.

Uh no, you killed him
with a knife. (CHUCKLES)

Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, man.

Get off me!

Come on, Jesus.

This is all his fault, man, fuck!

If he had just drove us to
the right part of the city

this wouldn't be happening, man.

If you would have just paid
your fucking parking tickets

this wouldn't be happening.

If you wouldn't have put your
wallet in a dead guy's pocket

this wouldn't be happening
and we'd be fine,

you fat, flaky, fuck.

You think I'm fat?

I've been doing a cleanse.

We stopped at a burger
joint because this fucker's

on a cleanse.

How do you like that?

Great, hallelujah man.

Mitch, Mitch, Mitch.

Hey, we didn't stab anybody, man, you did.

We were just trying to help.

Hold on, Mitch hold on.

MITCH: Leave me alone, dude.

CHARLIE: Mitch, hold on, man.

Mitch, hold on.

Mitch, Mitch where the fuck are you going?

So fucked, Charlie, I'm just fucked.

Man this is over, tonight
has been a fuckin' disaster.

You're right, okay?

Tonight has been a disaster, man.

But you're not fucked, okay?

You didn't mean to kill that
guy, and that's the truth.

You have at least one
eyewitness willing to testify

to that.

Wait, you'd lie under oath for me?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

You do know you could
go to jail for like

a long time, right?

Well I mean we'll talk
about that later, alright?

It's not the point.

The point is it was an accident.

People make mistakes, Mitch.

Look at Nicholas Cage.

You're gonna be okay.

Whatever, man.

I am fucked and we both know it.

Let's just go home.

Jerry come on man, we're going home.

What about Dale?

Who the fuck is Dale?

Oh right, the random
drunk guy you picked up

instead of our corpse.

Shh, not in front of Dale.

I got this, I've been doing
this way too much lately.

This guy lives about five miles away.

So what?

So we take him home.

We should at least do one good
deed for the night, right?

Wait a minute, that's
your move right now?

Mitch, what else are we gonna do?

Fine, it's not like
tonight can get any worse.

(LAUGHING)

Shit, I guess you were wrong.

I don't like this at all.

Guys, come on.

Guys, what are we doing?

Well earlier you killed this guy, Wally.

So we spent the night running around town

trying to get rid of the body.

I don't need a recap, Jerry.

We're seriously gonna walk
into a dark, strange house

with some drunk guy?

If anybody was here
they'd be up already.

Just get him in his bed
and get out of here.

Fine.

I've gotta take a leak.

Someone's in the bed.

I told you this is a bad idea.

You woke him up.

What do you mean I woke
him up, you woke him,

we woke him.

- Shh.
- Shh.

- Shh.
- Shh.

- Shh.
- Shh.

Fuck.

Now what?

(LIGHTHEARTED INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

What the fuck does that mean?

It means we get the fuck out of here.

Just say that next time.

Come on and help me.

Fucking crazy.

Alright, here we go.

What the fuck you drop him?

I didn't drop him, he slipped.

What's up, guys?

Jerry, turn off the light.

Turn the fuckin' light off.

Ah, it's Wally.

Holy shit.

Oh my God.

Those guys must have
been so wasted they thought

Wally was Dale.

I've never been so happy to
see a dead body in my life.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

(SCREAMING)

Oh my God.

So sorry.

Oh my God, Mitch?

We're just gonna go.

Mitch?

Wait, Lucy?

Is your friend okay?

Oh he's good, don't worry about him.

Jesus Mitch, I thought
you were gonna kill me

or throw me in the tar pit.

Tar pit.

Why didn't we think of that?

What?

He's just joking, tar pit jokes.

Wally's got a big day
tomorrow and still more stuff

to do tonight, so I'm gonna
go put him in the car.

Put him in, yeah put him in the car.

In the car for Wally.

In the car we go.

Have a fun time, we're gonna
leave you alone, alrighty.

It's not what it looks like?

So you don't have vomit all over you?

It's not my vomit, but it is vomit.

You're a mess, let me clean you up.

Thank you for the non-vomit shirt.

So you still haven't
told me what you're doing

at my brother's house in
the middle of the night.

Yeah, I have not.

It's, uh, kind of creepy.

Is it creepy or you know,
maybe like kind of charming?

It's creepy.

Okay yeah, we saw this
drunk passed out guy

and checked his driver's license.

It said Dale Huffington
so we thought we'd be good

Samaritans, bring him
home, put him to bed.

Wow, that's my brother.

He's a dumb ass, so thank you.

You are very welcome.

What are the odds?

I know, it's kinda crazy.

It's almost like destiny.

Yeah, feels that way.

Except, except I still
have that girlfriend.

That's a thing.

Sorry to interrupt.

Wally's got a problem
that we need to go bury,

you know like prehistoric.

Yes, yes we do.

Wally has a date with
history, you could say.

Yeah, you could say
we've gotta take his body

and bury it in the tar pits.

What?

(CHUCKLES) Just a
Wally internet gag thing.

Yeah, he's just joking around.

We'll leave you guys alone.

We'll be out here waiting.

I gotta go.

I hope we see each other again.

Dude, the tar pits.

I know, right?

It was in front of our
face the whole time, man.

There's dinosaurs in there,
wooly mammoths and shit.

Wally will fit right in.

Yes, let's get this over with now.

That's what I'm saying.

Get what over with?

(KISSING)

Uh, excuse us, please.

Pardon?

You think you could give
us a minute alone, please?

Yeah, I left my gum in the car anyways.

What the hell are you doing?

What? We were vibing.

I texted her to meet us here.

She's hot, right?

She smells like pickles.

Jerry, we haven't even
disposed of the dead body, man

and those guys are still chasing after us.

Well hold on there, okay.

We lost them like miles ago
and to put your mind at ease,

here check this out.

MITCH: What are you doing?

I'm looking for Jerry's wallet.

Instead I found Wally's phone.

Dude, these are the guys
that have been chasing us

all night.

OFFICER: Hey, hey.

Holy shit, these guys are cops.

Dirty cops.

Wally must have videotaped before he died.

That's why those guys are following us.

MITCH: Oh shit.

Dude, this video's private.

Here, check this out.

Douche bags meet internet.

Whoa, what's that gonna do?

In like 10 minutes the
whole world's gonna know

about this video and see it.

Then these ass bags
are gonna be on the run

the whole rest of their lives.

Who?

The dirty fuckin' cops
who have been following us

around town, dude.

Huh.

Oh, f....

I mean the clean cops who have
no history of malfeasance.

(LAUGHING)

You're a funny guy, huh?

Get your asses moving now.

Bring that asshole Wally with ya.

Let's go.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Let's go.

You too funny man, get moving.

What the hell, Jerry.

Off of him, you son of a bitch.

Hey, hey, hey, just
leave them alone, okay?

SCAGGS: Yeah, what's
your scrawny ass gonna do?

Get moving funny guy, get moving.

Come on, let's go.

We make a run for it as
soon as we get to the end

of the driveway, alright?

And a one, and a two, and a...,

okay we'll scratch that,
scratch that alright.

Alright, alright, alright.

CARSON: Come on, let's go.

Alright, alright, alright, alright.

Shit.

Let's go, let's go, get in there.

Let's go.

I'm so sorry.

Alright, alright, alright, okay.

Where are you taking us?

Shut up and stay quiet.

I don't have any reception.

I don't have any reception, either.

Me neither.

Me third.

Fuck.

Carson, Scaggs, what's going on?

What's up?

Redgrave, any action tonight?

No, but they finally ID'ed the guy.

Well it's about goddamn time, right?

Yeah, this came in.

You recognize him?

No, but he looks like
a real scumbag to me.

Yeah, so where are you guys headed?

Oh we're going up to
Carson's parents' house

up in Palm Desert.

Yeah, we got some
dirt bikes to play with.

(KNOCKING)

Dude, what are you doing, shut up.

I think I hear something.

They're gonna fuckin' kill us, man.

What, so we just sit
in here and do nothing?

Yeah, uh not get
fucking shot in the face.

What was that?

Oh, that's Carson's Labradors.

They're in the back, you know they get

a little rambunctious sometimes.

Yeah, we're taking them
up to the desert with us.

Is that right?

Yeah, I love them little mutts.

Alright, you guys have a good one.

Okay, thanks.

I think we just found our fall guy.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Nobody forced you to do anything, Mitch.

We're trying to help you.

Help? You keep saying help Charlie.

I don't need your fucking help, man.

Yes you do.

Charlie, cheer me up.

Charlie, help me get girls.

Charlie, I killed a fucking
guy on a Wednesday afternoon.

You need my help, man,
I'm glad to give it.

But you should at least just
say thank you and shut up.

Oh thank you, Charlie.

Thanks a lot, man.

This really worked out
great, fucking Charlie.

Thank you so fucking much, man.

You're welcome.

Fucking asshole.

I have tickets to Maroon
Five tomorrow night.

If I die before I see
Adam Levine live I am so

haunting your ass.

I'll be dead, too.

You can't haunt another dead dude.

- Can too.
- Cannot.

Can too, I can haunt whoever
the hell I wanna haunt.

- Cannot.
- Can too.

Then I'm gonna haunt you back.

Oh yeah, I'd like to see you try.

I'm gonna haunt you so hard.

Mitch take my lead.

Whatever you do don't
give 'em that cell phone.

OFFICER: Ma'am, one
foot in front of the other.

Yo, Redgraves.

'S up?

see the footage yet?

What footage?

It's all over the news.

Scaggs, Carson, they killed
an innocent unarmed man.

Somebody leaked the
footage to the internet.

Those two, they'll be on the run for sure.

(SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

CARSON: All of you,
out of the van, let's go.

Let's go, everybody out.

Let's go, let's go.

No that loopy son of a
bitch is gonna walk himself.

Go 'head, go, get out of here.

Okay, okay.

Let's go, now.

I said, on your feet.

This is one drunk son of a bitch.

I said on your feet.

You hear me?

On your feet now.

(GUN SHOT)

Oh shit.

(AIR ESCAPING)

Wally, you are one tough son of a bitch.

Now get up, let's see how well you limp.

This son of a bitch is dead.

Shut the fuck up.

Fuck, fuck, we're so fucked.

Check him, check for the phone.

No phone.

What the hell's going on here?

Sir, this is a terrible
misunderstanding.

We don't even know that guy.

Bullshit, you were with him all night.

Well um, I never saw him before tonight.

Me either.

My boy Mitch, accidentally stabbed.

Him? He couldn't even
hold a knife let alone

stab somebody.

Okay I see that.

I was making a brisket and I had a knife.

SCAGGS: Shut up.

Fair enough, okay.

I don't give a shit how Wally died.

I want his phone.

Phone?

SCAGGS: The phone.

I don't have a phone.

SCAGGS: Where's the phone?

I don't know, there's no phone.

There's no phone, we got no phone.

No phone? In the cave
all of you, let's go.

Move it, move it.

(ANTICIPATORY MUSIC)

Mitch, what's happening?

Who are these guys?

CARSON: Shut up.

Don't, don't, don't, she
doesn't know anything, okay?

Okay, I want the phone and I want it now

or her brain's going all
over this cave wall, now.

CHARLIE: We ain't got a
phone, we ain't got a phone.

One, two.

Let us go.

We don't have any phone,
we don't have any phone.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Start digging.

One video deleted.

And the link?

What man, he was gonna
fuckin' shoot her in the head.

You just gave him our
only fuckin' leverage.

What do you want me to do?

You just signed all of
our death certificates,

including hers, man.

You should have stuck to my plan.

MITCH: You don't have a plan.

I had a fucking plan.

I've got meal plans better
than your plan, Charlie.

Fuck you, man.

No, fuck you Charlie.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

Oh my God.

You know the nice thing
about this is I only need

one of you little pricks to dig.

Hey Mitch, always an excuse, huh?

Always someone else to blame,

always focusing on the negative,

always being a whiny little bitch.

I've been covering your
ass since high school.

We'll I'm sorry, Opie, that I can't find

a silver lining in this present situation.

No wonder Jessica left you.

Shut up, Charlie.

How did you and Jessica
hook up in the first place?

(LAUGHING)

Shut up, Charlie.

I thought she was straight,
I didn't know she liked pussy.

Shut the fuck up, Charlie!

(YELLING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa killer.

I just said all that
shit to rile you up, man.

I had to unleash the barbarian.

Shit.

Watch out!

(GUN SHOTS)

What the fuck are you doing shooting?

Fucking Derek Jeter with a death wish.

Well it fuckin' worked, didn't it?

Yeah, it did.

I am so sorry, I didn't mean
to get you mixed up in this.

Are you okay?

I am now.

I'm sorry I was so oblivious.

It's okay, sometimes it takes a nudge

or a near-death experience
for a guy to get a clue.

(LAUGHING)

Should I kiss you?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Oh shit dude, let's get the keys.

It's the po-pos man, let's get outta here.

(SIRENS WAILING)

No.

What?

No, no more running,
I'm gonna stay here.

I'm gonna face this.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Man, you're right Charlie,
I never thanked you

for all the stuff you'd done for me,

especially when my mom died.

So while I still have
the chance, thanks man.

You're welcome.

I'm gonna lawyer up,
I'm gonna beat this.

I mean like you said this was an accident.

Baller move, Mitch.

I'll be there to support.

This is gonna suck, huh?

Yeah.

You two boys are heroes.

Wait, what?

You stabbed a serial killer to death

and brought down two dirty cops.

You're free to go.

Okay, please rewind.

Serial killer?

Wally was the Census Killer.

What the fuck?

That is amazing.

Turn around.

You sure you don't wanna
leave these handcuffs on me?

Only if you misbehave.

This is getting awkward.

I'm gonna step away now.

Sir, sir you dropped this.

Jessica's number?

Oh yeah, I don't need this anymore.

Give her a ring, man.

It's not what it looks like.

Oh really?

No, it's exactly what it looks like.

I'm gonna haunt you
'til the sun comes up.

I dare you.

We're here with Jerry Saltzman,
a part-time entrepreneur

turned major player all thanks
to a multimillion dollar

military contract and patent sale.

You're gonna love my jam in your mouth.

Tell me about Jerry's Jelly.

Well when I first started
crafting Jerry's Jelly

I wanted to create a
delicious line of savory jams

and jellies.

I never intended to
create a military-grade

quality line, but that's
life, Hailey (CHUCKLES).

Jerry's Jelly comes from
an old family recipe

that has many medicinal properties, ha.

Military experts claim
it's 2.5 times more powerful

than the leading coagulant
which can mean the difference

between life and death on the battlefield.

Oh and the best part is
it's still quite tasty.

Fascinating.

(LAUGHING) What?

It's unbelievable, I
literally don't believe this.

Look at our boy.

He's like the Steve Jobs of jelly.

He really is.

Changing lives.

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

Why haven't you called?

Do you have any idea how many
times I tried calling you?

I saw you on TV.

Who wants some brisket?

Aw hell no.

(UPBEAT RAP MUSIC)

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