Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

We are making great time.

We were not scheduled to pass that feed store

for another 35 seconds, here.

There you go.

Balki, watch where you're going!

Cousin, you know this drive would be a whole lot easier

if you and your clipboard and your maps

and your stopwatch and your emergency flares

all took the bus and met me at the wedding.

Attitude flare up, right on schedule.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

POLICEMAN: (ON PA) You, in the Mustang. Pull over.

What did you do? Why is he pulling us over?

I didn't do nothing.

Cousin, I was just driving along

trying to avoid getting paper cuts on my face.

You were telling me "Go slow, turn here, do this,"

and then with map in my face!

And, here. How do you like it?

Do you like it? Can you drive?

BOTH: Hi.

Uh, license and registration?

Is there a problem, officer?

Uh, yeah, your friend here was driving 26 miles an hour.

I wanted to go faster but Cousin Larry wouldn't let me.

And you're Cousin Larry?

Larry Appleton, officer.

Well, I think I can clear this up.

You see, I'm getting married at

uh, noon today at the Westridge Country Inn.

The whole wedding's in mint green and pink.

LARRY: And we wanted to make sure that

we got there in plenty of time without speeding.

They're going with birdseed instead of rice.

More environmentally sound.

Are you gonna give us a ticket?

No, just pick up your speed a little

and, uh, good luck with the wedding...

Cousin Larry. LARRY: Thank you.

Change places with me.

No.

Move.

Move, come on, change places. No, no, I'm not gonna move...

And I'm gonna stay right here. Get out of the seat, come on.

Whoa!

Now, help me move the seat up.

Move it back.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Cousin, Cousin, wait! Please, please, please!

I know what I'm doing! Now, you listen to me.

Not another word! Cousin! Cousin!

Not a single, solitary word

until we get to the wedding.

Thank you.

(CAR CRASHES)

POLICEMAN: Oh, what the...

Oh, my Lord!

May I speak now?

Yes.

For future reference, "R" stands for reverse.

LARRY: Jennifer...

Jennifer, yeah...

Yeah, all that screaming can't be good for your throat.

You don't want to lose your voice before you have to say, "I do".

(LAUGHS)

(SOBBING) Oh, God... My good God.

What am I gonna do?

She's falling apart.

She's not as strong as I am.

Okay, Cousin, it's gonna be okay.

You come over here, hold this.

Give me the phone and then, just breathe.

Breathe. (GASPING)

Breathe.

Okay.

This is the most important day of my life! Jennifer, it's Balki!

Where are you? Balki!

I know he's not as strong as you are, yes.

Um, maybe you better put Mary Anne on.

Hello, Mary Anne? It's Balki.

Listen, I'm going to tell you something,

you got to listen very carefully. It's very important.

If I put my hand around the phone does it sound like

I'm calling you from a cave?

Hello, I'm calling you from...

Speak.

Uh, Mary Anne, look, you've got to come down here

bring cash to pay the fine, okay, okay?

(IN DISTORTED VOICE) I'm saying goodbye from a cave.

Goodbye from...

Uh, hello?

Yeah, yeah. Mary Anne?

Yeah, just... Just tell Jennifer

that there's still plenty of time

to get there before the wedding.

That's just her?

Okay, bye-bye.

Gary, I need some male volunteers for a line-up.

I've always dreamed of being in a line-up!

LARRY: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Any other day would be fine

but, uh, today is my wedding day.

My bride's a little upset, so, if you don't mind...

You just volunteered!

Oh, boy.

ALBERTSON: (OVER PA SYSTEM) All right, walk to the left, please.

Cousin, what this?

Tells you how tall you are.

That's funny, cousin, you...

I am. The floor slopes.

Maybe we should tell Detective Albertson about that. Detective Albertson...

Yeah, I'm... I'm sure he knows. I'm sure he knows.

Uh, listen, can we move this along?

Because I have to be somewhere.

Oh, look, cousin, we've got company!

Balki, we have no time for this.

Cousin, I was just trying to be polite.

I'm Rudy, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

(CHUCKLES)

Even when one is incarcerated, manners are important.

What am I always telling you?

You are absolutely right.

All right, all right, I'm going!

ALBERTSON: (OVER PA) Stand on the numbers.

Hi, my name is Balki and...

And, and, uh...

Uh...

Wow!

This is like looking into a mirror

if Cousin Larry was standing in front of it.

If we could just move this along.

ALBERTSON: (OVER PA) Number four, pipe down and face front.

Now, take your time Mrs. Marshall, and tell me

if, uh, any of these men look like the person who robbed

your store last night.

The one with the curly hair and no upper lip.

ALBERTSON: (ON PA) Number four, step forward.

No! No, no, no, no.

No. Uh...

No, no, it wasn't me.

(STAMMERS) Well, it was probably him!

He has much less of a lip than I do.

Oh, no, Cousin, he got twice the lip you got.

Balki, Balki, don't help. All right, don't help!

Don't do anything! Don't talk. You got a line.

Not another word! Not a single solitary word!

because I was at home.

I was, I was, I was... Tell them, Balki.

Tell them I was with you. Tell them.

Talk! You can talk now, tell them.

Tell them!

Yeah, I was with Cousin Larry last night.

ALBERTSON: (ON PA) Good news, Mrs. Marshall.

We have the driver of the getaway car, too.

Book 'em both!

You won and I'm first runner-up!

Balki? BALKI: Mary Anne!

Oh, Balki! Oh, Mary Anne!

I was so worried about you, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay. Oh, Balki.

you rot in this stinking hellhole.

Mary Anne, when I get out of the big house

we'll make a fresh start.

A guy can change!

Balki, will you stop it. We didn't do anything!

That's what makes it so tragic.

Stop... Stop it, stop it! Never mind all this.

Stop!

Where's Jennifer, is she all right?

LARRY: Oh, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer!

Oh... Oh, Jennifer!

Jennifer, Jennifer...

Oh.

(GRUNTING)

I missed you so much.

I missed you so much and I am so sorry.

I'll make this up to you. I'll make this up to you.

I...

I know you're angry and you have every right to be.

I'm not angry.

I am marrying the most forgiving woman in the world.

Larry, you don't understand

I'm not angry because I've made a decision.

What happened today was a sign.

We shouldn't get married.

What?

We shouldn't get married,

we shouldn't have gotten engaged.

I shouldn't have moved to Chicago.

I should have stayed in Iowa and gone into

the family corn-canning business.

Yes, I do, Larry, I've given this a lot of thought.

I can't go through with this.

I'm going back to Iowa.

Okay.

Okay.

I should have seen this coming.

I fall in love with a beautiful woman

and she falls in love with me.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Nothing works out for Larry Appleton.

I'll think of you whenever I eat creamed corn.

Thanks.

Jennifer, Jennifer.

Come on.

I don't believe this.

MARY ANNE: What are you doing? Cousin?

Now, wait just a minute.

Just listen to me, the two of you.

Come over here, come right over here.

You're being ridiculous! Now, don't be!

You always plan for every little thing,

every little problem that might come up.

And then when a little problem does come up

that you didn't plan for, you go to pieces!

So, okay.

When life gives you lemons, make furniture polish.

You're throwing away all the joys of being married, for what?

This is what they call throwing out the baby with the trough water.

And you will regret that for the rest of your life.

Larry, I really don't want to go back to Iowa and can corn.

Well, I don't want you to go back to Iowa and can corn.

Well, you can't go back to Iowa and can corn.

Your parents sold the farm and moved to Florida, remember?

Oh, right. Larry, I want to marry you.

And I want to marry you.

Well, I wanna go with the flow

but I just don't know what to do without my clipboard.

You don't need a clipboard, Cousin.

You don't need a plan.

Now, what do you want?

Yeah, oh, uh...

Reverend Peters wants us to get started.

Rudy, please.

(HARMONICA PLAYING)

Very nice, Rudy.

Oh, okay, uh...

He's got all the wedding guests

gathered around the speaker phone.

Okay, he says you should join hands.

Not you.

Sit down, please.

Okay, I got that.

"we are gathered here today

"to join Cousin Larry and future Cousin Jennifer

"in holy macaroni.

"Do you, future Cousin Jennifer

"take Cousin Larry

"to be your awful wedded husband

"for rich man, for poor man

"for butter or moist?"

Well, I'm doing the best I can!

This whole thing would go much more smoothly

if I just married them the Myposian way.

Would that be all right with you?

He says it's all right with him.

There isn't any livestock involved, is there?

Well, of course not.

Don't be ridiculous.

Go ahead, Balki. Okay.

The Myposian wedding ceremony is very simple.

Mary Anne, have you got the ring?

Yes.

Give it to the future Cousin Jennifer.

Okay, put the ring on Cousin Larry's finger

and repeat after me.

Cousin, I give you this ring...

"Cousin, I give you this ring..."

...as a symbol of my promise

to love you and to cherish you.

"...as a symbol of my promise

"to love you and to cherish you."

And to tend the flock if you ever get a cold.

"And to tend the flock if you ever get a cold."

Cousin, put the ring on her finger

and repeat after me.

Jennifer, I give you this ring...

"Jennifer, I give you this ring..."

...as a symbol of my promise

to love you and to cherish you.

"...as a symbol of my promise

"to love you and to cherish you."

And to chew your food if you lose all your teeth.

"And to chew your food if you lose all your teeth."

This is the part where you tell each other

how you feel.

I feel really good. (CHUCKLES)

No.

from the bottom of your heart

how you feel about pledging yourself

to one another.

Well, I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Cousin, I know you don't have it planned

but, if you cannot tell Jennifer

how you feel about her now...

What are you saving it for?

Jennifer...

That we'd be getting married.

And I just hoped that you'd go out with me

And... And to this day, I haven't figured out why you did.

And Balki's right, I can't plan everything

that's gonna happen in my life.

But I can plan on spending my life with you.

I love you, Jennifer.

Larry, I went out with you because...

Well, I'm sure I had a good reason.

No, no! I know I had a good reason.

You're sweet and funny and kind

and no matter what lies ahead

I want to share the unexpected with you.

I love you, Larry.

Now comes the part of the ceremony

where I, as official giver of the vows,

get to tell you how I feel about the two of you.

Cousin Larry, I never had a brother.

Cousin Jennifer, I never had a sister.

If I did, I'd pray

they wouldn't be as neurotic as you two.

But I couldn't love them any more than I love you two.

I wish you a long and happy married life.

By the power infested in me

by Reverend Peters,

the state of Illinois

and his majesty, King Ferdinand of Mypos...

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

This is so moving.

Okay, I can't let you take the rap for me.

I confess!

I robbed the liquor store.

Okay, everybody, get ready! Here they come!

(ALL CHEERING)

(GASPS)

Bye, Cousin! Bye!

Bye, Cousin Jennifer!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)