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1
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:03,868
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- What the hell!
2
00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:06,739
- It's only 3:00 p.m.!
- STAN: Family announcement!
3
00:00:06,741 --> 00:00:09,141
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- Family announcement!
4
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:12,045
Luckily, stool-softening pill
hasn't kicked in...
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,373
- [FLATULATES]
- Ohhhhhhh!
6
00:00:13,408 --> 00:00:14,934
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- Family announcement.
7
00:00:14,969 --> 00:00:17,015
Luckily, my orgasm pill
hasn't kicked in...
8
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,451
Aaah!
9
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,052
Welcome to family announcement.
10
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:23,255
As you are all aware,
I've been on the wait list
11
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:26,924
for the Shaquille O'Neal
Center for Intense Sleep Apnea.
12
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:29,794
They only accept the loudest
three percent of snorers
13
00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:32,664
in the nation, and I am in!
14
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,332
Top three, baby!
15
00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:36,134
[APPLAUSE]
16
00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:39,137
Well, they called,
and a spot opened up tonight.
17
00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:40,138
Tonight?
18
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,206
But it's Third Friday of the month...
19
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,675
our Friday fun night.
20
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,344
Oh, right. Damn.
21
00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:47,946
Hon, just do the study.
22
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,881
- We'll go out next month.
- No, no, no.
23
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,883
It's very important you get a night out.
24
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,951
- You work so hard.
- I do?
25
00:00:53,953 --> 00:00:55,219
It's an expression.
26
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,888
Hayley, how about taking
your mother out tonight?
27
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,423
Can't. Tonight's the night
we slice all the olives
28
00:00:59,425 --> 00:01:01,559
for the entire year at Sub Hub.
29
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,627
- But I can lend you Jeff.
- Hmm.
30
00:01:03,629 --> 00:01:04,896
I like that for Francine.
31
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,097
Have him washed, dressed,
32
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:08,833
and at the base of the stairs by 7:00.
33
00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:10,234
Family announcement adjourned.
34
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:12,436
I look forward to
organically crossing paths
35
00:01:12,438 --> 00:01:15,239
with each of you around the house.
36
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:17,309
Steve, did you get a chance
to look at the e-mail
37
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,844
I sent you with a link to
all my hilarious, accurate,
38
00:01:19,846 --> 00:01:21,579
and irreverent impressions?
39
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,515
- Yeah, I guess.
- You guess?!
40
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,583
I sent it to you like 15 times.
41
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,784
Which e-mail address?
42
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:29,321
SteveSmith69@gmail.
43
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,923
Oh, that one got hacked.
44
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:35,327
- Uh, send it to SteveSmith420.
- What?!
45
00:01:35,411 --> 00:01:38,396
You were able to get 420 and 69?
46
00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:42,867
Man, every other Steve Smith
must be a loser!
47
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:45,469
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
48
00:01:45,471 --> 00:01:47,739
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
49
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:51,543
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
50
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:55,079
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
51
00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:59,317
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
52
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:04,422
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
53
00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:07,091
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
54
00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:08,159
Aah!
55
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:12,830
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
56
00:02:12,832 --> 00:02:15,233
♪♪
57
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,835
Jeff, I want to thank you for
Hayley making you do this.
58
00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:18,836
You're welcome?
59
00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:20,438
No. You're welcome.
60
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,306
Right.
61
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,175
Before Francine and I were married,
62
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,910
she was a pretty wild woman.
63
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:27,379
She's mellowed over the years,
64
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,247
but she's still wild at heart,
65
00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:31,515
and there's always the
risk she can relapse.
66
00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:33,117
- With me so far?
- No.
67
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:34,052
Hmm.
68
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:37,855
Better join me in my metaphor corner.
69
00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:38,990
Look at that bird
70
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,726
flapping, tweeting, darting around.
71
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:42,927
It's happy because it thinks
72
00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:45,196
it's positively going wild.
73
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:47,265
But what would happen if I open a window
74
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,067
and really let it go wild?
75
00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:51,469
[GASPS] It would fly right into the sun!
76
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:53,137
Yes. Yes, it would.
77
00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:55,073
Uh, I'm the bird.
78
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,741
- No.
- I'm the cage?
79
00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:59,077
No. You're... You're not really
represented in this metaphor.
80
00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:01,545
Oh. Do you still need me tomorrow?
81
00:03:01,547 --> 00:03:02,814
It's tonight, Jeff.
82
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:05,483
Tonight,
we let Francine out of her cage,
83
00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:07,619
and you're going to be
there to prevent her
84
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,621
from flying into the sun.
85
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,890
So I am the cage.
86
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,425
You're not in the metaphor!
87
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,795
Take what time you need,
then meet me back at my desk.
88
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,636
Ah. You made it. Over the years,
89
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,704
I've calculated the
precise amount of stimulus
90
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,974
Francine needs to feel
like she's going wild
91
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:31,643
without really going wild.
92
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,177
Like the bird.
93
00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:35,580
That's right. The 75 minutes you spent
94
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:37,048
in the corner served you well.
95
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,183
Now, pay close attention
because you're about to get
96
00:03:39,185 --> 00:03:41,853
a crash course in Francine Control.
97
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,322
No cinnamon. Its aroma is too primal.
98
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,390
Do not let her put on flat shoes.
99
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:49,127
She ran track in high school,
and you'll never catch her.
100
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,795
Do not let her get wind in her hair.
101
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:52,464
It conjures strange passions.
102
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:55,800
None of those clown scarves you
can keep pulling on forever.
103
00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:58,336
No Israeli couscous, and I mean zero.
104
00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:00,538
And finally, if all else fails,
105
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,608
remind her another episode of
Tom Selleck's "Blue Bloods"
106
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,209
starts at 10:00 on CBS.
107
00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,345
She falls for the bait of sexy Magnum
108
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:08,546
and ends up dozing off in bed
109
00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,682
to a series of family dinner scenes.
110
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,284
This is too much to remember!
111
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,085
You've been talking for hours!
112
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:17,222
Don't worry,
I put everything on the card.
113
00:04:19,787 --> 00:04:22,093
You can count on me, Mr. S.
114
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,963
And one more thing,
it's probably best Francine
115
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,564
doesn't see the card.
116
00:04:26,566 --> 00:04:28,166
But I can see it, right?
117
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,433
[SIGHS] Yes, Jeff.
118
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,803
That's the cornerstone of our plan.
119
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,473
♪♪
120
00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:38,143
We'll start with two tap waters.
121
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,811
And a white wine spritzer.
122
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:42,480
Wine and bubbles...
123
00:04:42,482 --> 00:04:44,282
that could be wild.
124
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,350
Excuse me!
125
00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:47,084
How's the lighting under the table?
126
00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:49,454
The best in all of Langley.
127
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:54,359
You can bring the spritzer!
128
00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:56,962
What are you doing down there?
129
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,629
Playing cat's cradle.
130
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,366
I was looking up your dress, Mrs. S.
131
00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:03,100
Oh!
132
00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:04,902
Ready to order? Can I suggest you start
133
00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:06,904
with our new Tableside Guacamole?
134
00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:10,375
[GASPS] Tableside, oh my!
135
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:13,979
I read in Sky Ways Magazine
that Kiefer Sutherland
136
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:19,316
has tableside guac every
time he's in San Antonio.
137
00:05:19,318 --> 00:05:20,451
Guacamole...
138
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,220
guacamole...
139
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,859
Sorry, Your Honor,
but guacamole's forbidden.
140
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:28,926
Oh, let's have some.
141
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,261
Let's live a little, Jeff.
142
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,329
- [SNAPS]
- [HORN HONKS]
143
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:35,000
♪ Tableside, tableside ♪
144
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:38,203
♪ So much hotter
when it's tableside ♪
145
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,741
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
146
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:46,011
I... I don't know
if we have time for this.
147
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,746
"Blue Bloods" starts at 10:00, you know?
148
00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:51,749
Hmm. I guess we'll pass.
149
00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:55,286
I heard in tonight's episode,
the DEA comes down hard
150
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,689
on the family, and Tom Selleck
151
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,358
has a booger in his mustache
152
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:05,430
that no one tells him
about for the entire day.
153
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:07,833
♪♪
154
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,967
Okay, Steve.
155
00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:11,636
Got the house to yourself.
156
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:15,306
Time for some risky business.
157
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:18,509
Now all I need is some
royalty-free tunes.
158
00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:22,580
Alexa, play Bob Sargar's
"New Town Rock N' Loll."
159
00:06:22,582 --> 00:06:26,484
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
- Aaah!
160
00:06:26,485 --> 00:06:30,288
_
161
00:06:30,538 --> 00:06:33,855
_
162
00:06:34,417 --> 00:06:37,949
_
163
00:06:38,348 --> 00:06:42,046
_
164
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:46,203
♪♪
165
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:48,673
Klaus? What happened?
166
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:50,141
Pretty nasty fall.
167
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,944
But don't worry, I'll take care of you.
168
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,880
I don't get it, our living room floor
169
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,948
has never been that slippery.
170
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,483
Slippy Oil?
171
00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:00,618
Oh, you just had
172
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:04,289
to look over at the Slippy Oil, Steve.
173
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:05,423
[GRUNTS]
174
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:09,226
Oh, you're not going anywhere.
175
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:12,630
Oh, you should have read
my e-mails, Steve.
176
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:13,965
Y-You're saying "Oh"
177
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,700
in front of everything you say, Klaus.
178
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:18,035
Oh, am I?
179
00:07:18,037 --> 00:07:20,438
♪♪
180
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,440
Mmm! That was good.
181
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:27,512
So brown, so broiled,
with such a mild mustard.
182
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:30,581
I'm sorry, sir,
this isn't a credit card.
183
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:34,452
This is a note card with
impossibly tiny writing.
184
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,188
"Francine Date Night Dos and Don'ts?"
185
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,724
"No pickles over three inches?"
186
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:42,527
"Only allowed to move pawns in chess?"
187
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:45,463
"No Cocoa Puffs or any other cereals
188
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,999
that drive their mascots insane?"
189
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,267
It's not what it looks like!
190
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:52,137
Mr. S just wants to keep
you from going wild.
191
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:55,406
♪ Wild women do ♪
192
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,142
Ooooooh.
193
00:07:57,144 --> 00:08:00,946
I haven't gone wild in a long time.
194
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:04,882
♪ And they don't regret it ♪
195
00:08:04,884 --> 00:08:05,951
Guess what, Jeff?
196
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,753
This Friday Fun Night
is about to go wild,
197
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:11,990
and Stan can't stop me,
and neither can you.
198
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,626
Flat shoes!
199
00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:17,562
Wait for me, Mrs. S!
200
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:19,230
I can't let you go wild!
201
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:23,434
Five orders of Tableside Guac!
202
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,102
Mrs. S!
203
00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:27,572
Couldn't order six, huh? It's all right.
204
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:30,509
I'll stay here and [BLEEP] myself,
why don't I?
205
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,980
I'm going wild!
206
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,982
Truck jump.
207
00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:40,218
Whoa! Cool!
208
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:46,024
Oh, sick!
209
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,528
Aah!
210
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:52,130
No way!
211
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,264
- [THUD]
- Aaah!
212
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:57,335
Stop! For God's sake, stop!
213
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,738
Oh! What's gonna happen?
214
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,472
[SCREAMS]
215
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,474
Tasty!
216
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,344
Mrs. S, please don't go wild.
217
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,012
What if I just go "hi-yuh?"
218
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:09,414
- What?
- Hi-ya!
219
00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:12,517
Aw, man. Party's over.
220
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:16,721
Oh, yeah! Back on.
221
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:20,358
♪♪
222
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,693
You think it's okay
to ignore my e-mails?
223
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:26,765
Well, now you're gonna
watch all my impressions.
224
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:30,635
Here's Martha Stewart
encountering a demon...
225
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:31,770
"Mmm, mmm, mmm.
226
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:35,574
Time to cook the recipe and
put the thing in the oven."
227
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,108
Aaah!
228
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,310
- Oh, God!
- This the lady
229
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,379
who used to work at the
Chimdale Jack in the Box
230
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:45,116
visiting her former
co-workers for the first time.
231
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,251
"I'm baaaaack!"
232
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,254
Somebody kill me!
233
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,856
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]
234
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:53,858
Another round!
235
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,193
- Whoooo!
- Francine!
236
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,394
Yeah!
237
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:57,728
Whoa!
238
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,397
Yeah, bar fight!
239
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,732
- Ugh!
- Wait. Is this a fight?
240
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:04,335
Nah, he was thrown
off our mechanical bull.
241
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:07,138
That's the most dangerous
bull in the country,
242
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,540
aside from bull shit.
243
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:13,011
Misinformation is the
real national crisis.
244
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,345
Y'all want some popcorn?
245
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:17,015
[SMOOCHES] Here, Mrs. S!
246
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,417
F.S.
247
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,752
Francine Smith!
248
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:24,155
Coyote Ugly! Coyote Ugly!
249
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:25,357
Whoooooo!
250
00:10:28,543 --> 00:10:30,561
Let me kick your beer!
251
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,563
Mrs. S, what are you doing?
252
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,165
Gotcha!
253
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,300
BARTENDER: And stay out!
254
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,769
Ooooooh. Fun alley.
255
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:41,239
Let's get murdered by Batman's parents.
256
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,841
Can we just go home now?
257
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,710
Come on, Jeff.
You don't want to do that.
258
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:49,780
You know that deep down inside,
you're like me...
259
00:10:49,782 --> 00:10:51,382
a wild woman!
260
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,784
I'm... I'm a man.
261
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:55,720
And how wild is that?!
262
00:10:55,722 --> 00:11:00,124
Now, close your eyes, Jeff,
and listen to your heart.
263
00:11:01,336 --> 00:11:03,995
♪ Wild women do ♪
264
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,463
[GASPS] I heard it!
265
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:06,998
Shh. It's not done.
266
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,000
♪ And they don't regret it ♪
267
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,402
There's no downside!
268
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,671
That's right.
269
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:15,606
Now, let's show them we
can go as wild as we want!
270
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:16,741
Yeah!
271
00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:18,677
Let's do a series of quick,
little things,
272
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,745
each more wild than the last.
273
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:25,483
♪ Wild women do,
and they don't regret it ♪
274
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,886
♪♪
275
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:34,425
♪ Wild women show
what they're goin' through ♪
276
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,027
♪ Oooh, ooh ♪
277
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:42,100
♪ Wild women do what you
think they'll never ♪
278
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,634
[FRANCINE WHISTLES]
279
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:49,374
♪ What you only dream
about wild women do ♪
280
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,710
♪ Ohhhhh, yes ♪
281
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:54,445
♪ Listen to me, Jack,
I ain't holdin' back ♪
282
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,914
[SNORING LOUDLY]
283
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:58,383
♪ 'Cause wild women do ♪
284
00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,518
♪ And they don't regret it ♪
285
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,254
Hey, I know what might be fun.
286
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,924
Let's take something from a person.
287
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:10,261
Let's show a human being
the true meaning of fear.
288
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,731
- Stick 'em up!
- This is a bank robbery!
289
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:13,732
[SCREAMS]
290
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,800
Delmonaco?
291
00:12:15,802 --> 00:12:17,402
Francine!
292
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,137
And who's this piece of ass?
293
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,406
This is Jeff, my son-in-law.
294
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:25,644
Jeff, Delmonaco, my dealer of drugs.
295
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,414
Mwah. Enchanté.
296
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,682
This is too crazy.
297
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,284
I'm actually gonna go hang out
298
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:35,019
one-on-one with my dry cleaner.
299
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,421
You guys should come!
300
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,623
Just you and your dry cleaner?
301
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:41,393
That sounds crazy! We're doing it!
302
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:46,697
Now, you should know,
Mr. Rick is a dry cleaner,
303
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:50,235
so he hates washing machines.
304
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,703
Mr. Rick, it's me, Delmonaco.
305
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,573
MR. RICK: Bullshit!
You're a washing machine!
306
00:12:54,575 --> 00:12:57,976
Washing machines
don't knock on doors, Mr. Rick.
307
00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:00,846
Sounds like what a
washing machine would say!
308
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:05,383
[WHISPERING] Come into my
house really fast, really fast.
309
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,252
This guy's got a great energy.
310
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,856
Welcome to paradise.
311
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:13,724
Let me outline your night for you.
312
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:16,261
We sit around,
we huff dry-cleaning chemicals,
313
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,196
we have a scintillating conversation.
314
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,330
I have only one rule...
315
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:20,932
I feel silly even mentioning it...
316
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,934
Nobody's allowed to turn
into a washing machine.
317
00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:26,337
It happens. And if it does,
318
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,206
I will take care of business!
319
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:31,542
Second rule...
so the conversation remains orderly,
320
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,212
you speak when I have
the knife to your throat.
321
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:35,680
You have the floor, m'lady.
322
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:39,150
Mr. Rick, I need to use the restroom.
323
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,019
So does Jeff.
324
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:44,755
It's the first door past the
old Hollywood Video sign.
325
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:47,291
This guy is giving me bad vibes.
326
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,628
- In what way?
- He's insane!
327
00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:53,498
The toilet's right here,
and the toilet-scrubbing brush
328
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,700
is all the way over there!
329
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:57,568
We proved we could get wild,
330
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,570
but I think we should go home now.
331
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:02,373
This is my first time getting wild.
332
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,375
I'm not going back to my cage.
333
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,377
I'm flying straight to the sun.
334
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,712
MR. RICK: How are you guys doing?!
335
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,380
If you spilled on yourselves,
don't worry,
336
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,115
I have two bedrooms
full of women's clothes.
337
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:13,852
I am particularly proud
of my sundress collection!
338
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:16,655
But not so proud I couldn't
see myself giving you one
339
00:14:16,657 --> 00:14:18,589
if I thought it looked good on you.
340
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,391
Jeff, I think we should get out of here.
341
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:21,392
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
342
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,094
[BOTH SCREAM]
343
00:14:23,176 --> 00:14:25,564
Bathroom time is over.
344
00:14:27,586 --> 00:14:29,133
It's game time!
345
00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:30,134
- [GUN COCKS]
- Wha...
346
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,602
What game are we playing?
347
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:34,072
It's Hot Potato with a loaded gun.
348
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,075
My dear friend Tom Sizemore
taught me this game.
349
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,743
[MUZAK PLAYS]
350
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:41,479
But first, Tetrachloroethylene?
351
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,214
Tetrachloroethylene?
352
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,349
No?
353
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,284
[SNIFFING]
354
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:49,754
Ooooh! Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow, whoa!
355
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,556
♪♪
356
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,091
Whoa! It's hot! [LAUGHS]
357
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,093
- Aah!
- Aah!
358
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,827
[LAUGHS]
359
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:59,630
They're afraid of a little gun,
Delmonaco!
360
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,366
Psych! Psych! Pysch!
361
00:15:04,476 --> 00:15:05,636
You guys hear that?
362
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:06,705
Someone's at the door.
363
00:15:06,707 --> 00:15:08,673
Could be a washing machine.
364
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,910
[BOTH SCREAM]
365
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:16,114
My dry cleaner is dead!
366
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:19,384
I am so sorry, Deltaco.
367
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:26,124
Why must God take the perfect ones?!
368
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:29,193
Now I have to tell his
13-year-old girlfriend!
369
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,930
We're going to call the
cops right now and explain.
370
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:34,599
But our fingerprints
are all over that gun.
371
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,601
My God! What are we gonna do?!
372
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:40,071
I'll call my fixer.
He'll get us out of this.
373
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,740
Listen carefully to my instructions,
374
00:15:41,742 --> 00:15:43,074
we'll cover up this murder
375
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,943
and all go back to our
beautiful evenings.
376
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:47,078
I need you to make some hot Jasmine tea.
377
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,212
Very weak.
378
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:49,880
I have a very strong
intolerance to Jasmine.
379
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:52,016
It's like poison to me...
total organ failure.
380
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:53,884
But the flavor... get out of town!
381
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,621
It's like I'm drinking
a warm summer night.
382
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,557
Are you gonna get him the tea?
383
00:15:58,559 --> 00:16:00,358
Sounds like he shouldn't have it.
384
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,427
Okay, first, this body needs
385
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,429
to disappear without a trace.
386
00:16:05,201 --> 00:16:07,231
Oh, it's so bloody!
387
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,967
God, it's all over.
388
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,502
Ugh!
389
00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:14,905
Okay, this is a problem.
390
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:17,708
I saw an episode of "CSI"
where the cops found blood,
391
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,243
and they used it to solve the crime.
392
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,579
This blood has to
disappear without a trace.
393
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,582
I'll Google how. Phone.
394
00:16:23,584 --> 00:16:26,184
I do swipe text. Watch how fast.
395
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,319
Kind of tricky with this
blood all over my hands,
396
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,587
but... oh, here we go.
397
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,522
WOMAN: 911. What's your emergency?
398
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,623
[ALL GASP]
399
00:16:33,664 --> 00:16:35,593
- Murder.
- [ALL GASP]
400
00:16:36,435 --> 00:16:38,062
There was a murder.
401
00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:40,265
But don't you worry,
it's being handled by me
402
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:41,800
and the other killers.
403
00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:45,536
A patrol car's been
dispatched to your location.
404
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:46,871
Well, not everything worked out
405
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,006
the way we thought it would.
406
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,041
But I declare this situation...
407
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:54,412
...fixed!
408
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,415
I got to find a new dry cleaner.
409
00:16:58,619 --> 00:17:00,451
Fixer, murder! Fixer, murder!
410
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,420
Fixer, murder! Fixer, murder!
411
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,722
Fixer, murder!
412
00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:07,692
Okay, this is John Cusack
413
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:10,228
being yelled at by an Uber driver.
414
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,696
"Get out, John Cusack!
415
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:15,166
You can't tell me I can't
smoke in my own car!"
416
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:18,903
I don't understand.
Why didn't you do John Cusack?
417
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:21,640
I can't do Cusack. He's impossible!
418
00:17:21,642 --> 00:17:23,241
Caliendo can't even do Cusack!
419
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,510
This is my impression
of a domestic dispute
420
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,912
I overheard at the mall last winter.
421
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:30,381
"It's a bigger issue
than the fries, Jeanine.
422
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,917
You don't respect me!"
423
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,554
[CHUCKLES]
424
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,457
Oh, my God. I get it now.
425
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,459
- It's good.
- Yes.
426
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,793
You're a genius.
427
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,529
All it took was being held captive
428
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,064
for six hours to realize it.
429
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:48,667
Yeah, I'm a bit of an acquired taste.
430
00:17:48,669 --> 00:17:51,303
[LAUGHS]
431
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:55,806
Okay, I know I'm good,
but you're giving me
432
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,276
a Horatio Sanz-level reception here.
433
00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,411
Give me more. More!
434
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,214
You know,
I totally forgot today's the day
435
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:06,217
I was supposed to help
Jurgen hunt Slender Man.
436
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,819
And I've already pushed
the hunt like five times,
437
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,355
so I'll just release
you from your bonds,
438
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,657
and we can both go our separate ways.
439
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:18,229
I may be free to go,
but I'm a slave to laughter.
440
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,165
Now do Al Pacino
forgetting the combination
441
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:22,567
to his gym locker!
442
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:24,569
Somebody help me!
443
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,837
That's exactly what'd he say!
444
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:27,972
[LAUGHS]
445
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,574
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]
446
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,175
Dang it. The cops are here,
447
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:33,111
and the Uber's still three minutes out.
448
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,914
I'd cancel it,
but that's my rating on the line.
449
00:18:35,916 --> 00:18:37,716
[SOBS] We're going to jail
450
00:18:37,718 --> 00:18:39,183
for murder.
451
00:18:39,185 --> 00:18:40,785
Stan was right.
452
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:41,920
We're too wild
453
00:18:41,922 --> 00:18:43,522
to be trusted with ourselves.
454
00:18:43,524 --> 00:18:44,989
Hold on, Mrs. S.
455
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:47,592
Maybe alone we can't
take care of ourselves,
456
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:48,993
but there's two of us.
457
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:51,062
We got to be able to help each other.
458
00:18:51,064 --> 00:18:52,597
How?
459
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,666
♪ Wild women do ♪
460
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:58,270
By going wild.
461
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:01,539
Dresses.
462
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,275
[SIREN WAILS, TIRES SQUEAL]
463
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:07,011
Am I crazy,
464
00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:10,548
or are all those paint
samples the same red?
465
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:14,552
♪ Wild women do,
and they don't regret it ♪
466
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:17,288
Hey, boys.
467
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:19,824
Whooo-hoooooo!
468
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,160
Dispatch, I'd like to report
469
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:26,030
three beautiful ladies in sundresses.
470
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,099
All we got here is a 3-1-3.
471
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:30,769
DISPATCHER:
Women going wild and doing what they do?
472
00:19:30,771 --> 00:19:33,171
Yeah, I said 3-1-3.
473
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:34,639
Why do we even have these codes
474
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,107
if you insist on explaining them?
475
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:37,308
Well, I'll tell you why.
476
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,377
Because I'm training someone.
477
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,578
Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.
478
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:43,314
Wait a minute.
479
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,450
Put the trainee on.
480
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:48,253
[GROANS]
481
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,588
All right, there's no trainee.
482
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,056
You never miss a beat.
483
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,392
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da!
484
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,594
Pah!
485
00:19:55,596 --> 00:19:59,798
I declare this whole night... no crimes!
486
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,134
Now we need to figure out
what to do with Mr. Rick.
487
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:06,337
What if he died again...
488
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:07,939
for the first time?
489
00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:09,874
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]
490
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:14,946
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]
491
00:20:14,948 --> 00:20:18,549
This previously-alive
women was just killed!
492
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,818
Another one?
493
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:21,752
Throw her in the pile in back.
494
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,888
Okay, who ordered mozzarella sticks?
495
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,890
I have not been writing things down.
496
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,960
I hate when they don't
write things down.
497
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,832
- I had a lot of fun tonight.
- So did I.
498
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:37,035
I was thinking,
since we got away with this,
499
00:20:37,037 --> 00:20:39,770
we could make a thing of it.
500
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,440
Go wild together once a month?
501
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,708
Pbht! Pass.
502
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:44,976
Pbht! Pbht!
503
00:20:46,046 --> 00:20:48,046
Just kidding. We're best friends now.
504
00:20:48,048 --> 00:20:51,716
♪ Wild women whoooo! ♪
505
00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:53,084
♪ Woman ♪
506
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,689
"American Dad" time is over.
507
00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,825
Bye-bye. See you soon.
508
00:21:02,069 --> 00:21:04,079
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
35317
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