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1
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:04,004
2
00:00:04,047 --> 00:00:06,832
[dramatic music]
3
00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:08,182
[shatters, all gasp]
4
00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:10,401
- Well, my brainy
little babies,
5
00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:12,708
I have officially been
thrown off the Harvard teat.
6
00:00:12,751 --> 00:00:14,579
- I thought you were fired
a long time ago.
7
00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:16,320
- Oh, I was, Marcus, yeah.
8
00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:18,670
I was kicked off
the salary and housing teat,
9
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,324
but I was able
to remain firmly latched
10
00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:23,240
on to their phone-plan teat.
11
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,155
- Guys, if he says "teat"
one more time,
12
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:27,505
we might be able
to get him fired.
13
00:00:27,549 --> 00:00:29,681
- Let's try and stay focused
on my phone, Sarika.
14
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:31,161
Uh, now,
before you suggest
15
00:00:31,205 --> 00:00:32,684
that I just go
to a phone store
16
00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:34,338
and sign up
for my own plan--
17
00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:35,687
- How is that
not the solution?
18
00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:39,517
- Well, Anthony,
because I have--Anyone?
19
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:42,346
Atrocious credit.
Yeah, yeah.
20
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:45,349
No carrier will trust me,
so I am off the grid
21
00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,090
until I come up
with a solution.
22
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,092
[dramatic note]
23
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:51,442
- Are you saying
you have no phone?
24
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,096
Like, for good?
25
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,272
- That's what I'm saying.
- Are you gonna die?
26
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,187
- I mean,
there's an outside chance
27
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:58,710
you could get
on my family's plan.
28
00:00:58,754 --> 00:01:00,103
Yeah, I mean,
my parents would have
29
00:01:00,147 --> 00:01:01,539
to get to know you
a little better,
30
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,367
but we could schedule
a series of dinners.
31
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:06,588
- You know what?
I would dislike that, Marcus.
32
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:09,156
I would dislike that
very much. Yeah.
33
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,896
But...
34
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:13,508
the notion of piggybacking
on somebody else's phone plan
35
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,292
is very intriguing.
36
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:16,685
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
37
00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:18,513
- One, two, three, four!
38
00:01:18,556 --> 00:01:20,515
- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
39
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:23,735
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
40
00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:30,742
♪
41
00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:33,745
[calming ethereal music
playing]
42
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:38,576
♪
43
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,404
- What up, Helen DeGeneres?
44
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,754
- How's my little
puppy bird?
45
00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:44,843
- You know.
Uh, is Principal Durbin ready
46
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,932
for me to interview him
for the school paper?
47
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:49,761
- Uh, ready?
He is so excited.
48
00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:51,763
We're gonna have
to wait a second, though,
49
00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:53,896
because he's in there
delivering a bummer bomb.
50
00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:55,506
[door opens]
51
00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:57,465
- Gary, no one
has signed up
52
00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:59,206
for Coin Club
in three years.
53
00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,555
I had to cut something.
54
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:02,165
- One of these days,
you're gonna find
55
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,167
a beautiful Sacagawea,
and you're gonna be like,
56
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,343
"Where's Gary?
I want to talk about it."
57
00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:09,259
And I'm gonna be--
poof--ghost.
58
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,566
- Oh, God. I--
59
00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:14,786
I hate, hate giving
people bad news.
60
00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:16,571
Their faces--
they look like
61
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:18,181
teddy bears
in a Dumpster.
62
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,661
- You're the principal.
63
00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:21,184
Let it rip.
You can tell them
64
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,272
whatever you want.
65
00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:23,665
- I know, but I--
66
00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:24,970
Ugh. I just feel sick.
67
00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:26,798
- I feel sick, too.
68
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,452
Though it could be
because I ate
69
00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:29,801
a shellacked caramel
70
00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,630
off a old Christmas ornament
last night
71
00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,545
I can be honest
with you guys.
72
00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:35,894
- [clears throat]
73
00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:38,897
[calming ethereal music
playing]
74
00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:41,770
- Gonna try
to work it out.
75
00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:43,685
Drop it
down the pike.
76
00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:45,339
♪
77
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:47,732
- So...
78
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,343
how are things
with Seth?
79
00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:50,822
- Good.
80
00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:52,346
- Mm.
81
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,696
- Ugh. Ugh.
82
00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:59,570
Mm-hmm.
[all groaning]
83
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:00,615
- Mary, you want some?
84
00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:01,833
- No.
85
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:04,880
- So he took
you out again last night?
86
00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:06,273
- Sort of.
87
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,666
- Uh, sort of?
[laughs]
88
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,495
Uh, we got subs and ate them
at the Laundromat.
89
00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:13,236
So, yeah,
I took her out.
90
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,238
- Oh, you're not a fan
of restaurants?
91
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:16,718
- Whoa, someone's
a frickin' millionaire.
92
00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,894
- What?
- I'm a substitute teacher.
93
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:20,765
So we each grabbed three
on a six-inch.
94
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:22,680
- We did.
- Mm-hmm.
95
00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:24,508
- And you call this
a date?
96
00:03:24,552 --> 00:03:26,554
- Um, let's just say
that the changing table
97
00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,599
in the bathroom
didn't break itself.
98
00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:29,861
[laughs]
99
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:31,646
- We did...
with sex.
100
00:03:31,689 --> 00:03:33,604
[both laughing]
101
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:34,866
Ow!
[bleep].
102
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,564
- Ooh. Said I was gonna
get you.
103
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:37,782
Ha ha!
104
00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:40,437
Catch ya later,
masturbator.
105
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:44,572
- So has he met
the parents?
106
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:45,877
- Ah, he needs to go.
107
00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:47,531
It's just that he's
subbing here,
108
00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:49,359
and I can't just ghost him
like I usually do.
109
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,056
- Yeah.
110
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,407
- Now, which one of you is
gonna help me get rid of him?
111
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,409
- Oh, not us.
We are done.
112
00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:57,411
Every time we help you
get rid of a guy,
113
00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:59,282
you wind up
getting back together.
114
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:00,718
- Mm-mm.
You backslide.
115
00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:03,460
It's an exhausting cycle
to watch and judge.
116
00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:04,983
- Oh, come on--
117
00:04:05,027 --> 00:04:07,856
- Hey, hey, ladies,
we're all basically, like,
118
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,424
friends and family
at this point, right?
119
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,861
I am finding it impossible
to secure a cell phone plan
120
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,645
under my name.
121
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,517
- Ah, and you want to
piggyback on one of our plans.
122
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,345
- Ha.
- Jack, I have
123
00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:20,521
way too many cousins for you
to doggy-style on my plan.
124
00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:23,959
- Okay, well, it's piggyback,
but, yeah.
125
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:27,397
- Uh, you know, Jack,
my family plan is da bomb,
126
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:28,964
and I'll let you get in
on it.
127
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,574
- Yes!
- But you have to do
128
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,533
something for me in return.
129
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,926
You have to help me kick my
current boyfriend to the curb.
130
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,798
- Okay, well, that actually
sounds kind of fun.
131
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:38,452
- But that's not the hard part.
132
00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,584
The hard part is helping me
stay broken up with him,
133
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:42,020
'cause "Today Mary"
is gonna want to break up
134
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,544
with that little scuzz,
135
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:45,763
but "Tomorrow Mary"
is gonna go scuzz-blind.
136
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:48,940
- You know, this all sounds
very doable. I am in.
137
00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:51,421
- Okay. Very nice
doing business with you.
138
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,596
- Oh, wonderful.
139
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,337
Wonderful doing business
with you.
140
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:55,643
[laughter]
141
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,862
Yes! Nice. What?
142
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,910
- You have no idea the job
you just signed on for.
143
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,478
There is nothing
more powerful than the bond
144
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,871
between a Mary
and her scuzz.
145
00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:10,353
Backslide, Jack.
- Backslide.
146
00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:14,139
.
147
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:18,361
[thunder booming]
148
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:21,277
- Don't move!
- Jeez!
149
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,931
God, okay...
[knocking]
150
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,411
- Hi.
- Hey.
151
00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:27,414
- Um, Mr. Griffin, what are you
doing in my math class?
152
00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:29,938
- Whoa. It's like seeing
a tiger in the wild.
153
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:32,114
- [chuckles]
Uh, Seth.
154
00:05:32,157 --> 00:05:34,246
Hi, I'm uh, Jack Griffin.
I teach A.P. Bio.
155
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,552
So you're subbing here?
156
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,902
- Yep, yep.
Anywhere that needs me.
157
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,382
- Ah.
- Kids really dig me.
158
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:42,994
I always play the first
48 minutes of a movie.
159
00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:44,909
I've seen the first half
of a lot
160
00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:47,259
of really good flicks.
[both laugh]
161
00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:48,522
- Love it, I love it,
I love it.
162
00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:50,611
And no shoes. Very cool.
- Ah.
163
00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:52,352
- So I have something
very sensitive in nature
164
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,266
to talk to you about.
165
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:57,095
Um, gang, if you could just
go ahead and move your bodies
166
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:59,315
to the back of the class,
and, you know, face the wall,
167
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,925
"Blair Witch" style.
168
00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:03,406
Heather, you want to...?
169
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,191
- All right,
move it or lose it, D-bags.
170
00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:09,020
[dramatic music]
171
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,196
- [sighs]
172
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,896
♪
173
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,506
- Uh, is that in, like--
is that in the second half
174
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,029
of "Blair Witch"?
175
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:21,119
- Hey, so, um,
I'm a friend of Mary's
176
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,557
and, well, she's asked me
to tell you it's been
177
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,561
a tepid ride, but, uh,
it's over, okay?
178
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:28,997
All right.
179
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,216
- Wait, are you--
are you serious?
180
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,871
C-can we talk about that?
- With me? No. No, no, no.
181
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,482
I-I'm not really up
to speed on most of it.
182
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,222
I just, uh--you know,
just the messenger here.
183
00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:38,659
I just know it's over,
you know?
184
00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:40,530
So, uh, my work is
sort of done here.
185
00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:42,402
- I just--I'm gonna go talk
to her, because once she--
186
00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,447
- No, no, no.
[chuckles awkwardly]
187
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,536
I'm handling this.
188
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:48,364
- [sniffles]
- Oh.
189
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,452
- [whimpering]
190
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,932
- Oh, God.
191
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,586
- [crying]
192
00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:56,677
- When a man cries,
nothing feels safe.
193
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,113
- [continues crying]
194
00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:01,116
- He did not take it well.
195
00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:02,900
- Are you breaking
it off with Seth?
196
00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:05,555
- Hey! Stop snooping.
197
00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,427
Go ahead, Jack.
I'll cover.
198
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:10,386
La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la...
199
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,649
- All right. Uh, yeah, he
just--he wouldn't accept it.
200
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:15,913
All right? He was crying,
and he wants to talk.
201
00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:18,960
- Damn it, Jack.
Ugh. Cover me.
202
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,223
- Oh.
♪ La, la, la, la, la...
203
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,268
- You were supposed
to handle this, you know,
204
00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,053
like family,
not just phone it in.
205
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:27,316
- Yeah, we can definitely still
hear you back here.
206
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,449
- Oh, my God.
Just plug each other's ears.
207
00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:35,193
♪
208
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:37,413
- Look, don't worry about it.
I got you, okay?
209
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,110
I'll come over later,
and I'll help you break it off.
210
00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:41,025
- Um, no, no, no.
We got to do it at your place.
211
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:42,723
Otherwise I'm gonna end up
hooking up with him.
212
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:45,552
- Uh, well, no, we can--what?
You can't break up at my place.
213
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:48,642
- Well, do you want to be
on my phone plan or not?
214
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,948
- Yes. Okay, fine.
Fine, all right?
215
00:07:50,992 --> 00:07:52,123
But we got to do it fast,
216
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,473
'cause Lynette's
coming over later.
217
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:55,257
- Ooooh.
218
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,606
- Marcus, how is it
that you're still hearing this?
219
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:59,217
- My fingers are too small
for his ear canals.
220
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:00,436
- They're huge.
221
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,351
- Don't brag about that.
222
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:06,964
[upbeat synth tune playing]
223
00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,749
- ♪ Sex is horrible
224
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:12,056
♪ And no one really likes it
225
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,537
So that's what I play whenever
I, uh, catch a kid
226
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,712
with a condom.
227
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,714
- Mm, my readers
will love this.
228
00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:19,760
- Oh, and this what I play
whenever I catch a student
229
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,718
with drugs.
[clears throat]
230
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:26,201
♪ Meth gives you joy
only gods can experience ♪
231
00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:28,464
♪ But don't do it
232
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,379
- Ralph, time to break
some spirits.
233
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,381
Coach is here.
- Already?
234
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,688
Oh, boy.
You can stay Anthony
235
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,994
♪
236
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:38,996
[clears throat]
237
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,129
[sighs]
Coach, I, uh...
238
00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:44,393
I have some bad news I wish
I could protect you from.
239
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,308
- You don't got to sugarcoat it
for me, Ralph.
240
00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:47,614
I'm not one
of your book teachers.
241
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,572
- All right, uh, well, um...
242
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,009
I don't know how, uh--
243
00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:55,230
It seems that
there's a, uh--
244
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:58,363
Uh, well, I'm--doesn't--
It actually is...
245
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:01,584
I'm sorry, uh...
246
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,586
We're gonna let
247
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:07,155
the marching band
and the football team
248
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:10,724
share practice time
on the football field.
249
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:13,596
- What? No way. It's not--
it's not called a band field.
250
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,380
- Uh, that's a good point.
251
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:17,469
You know what? I'm gonna, uh,
talk to the band director.
252
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,602
Maybe we could, uh, find a--
253
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:23,388
- Oh, my God. Move over.
254
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,390
The band's gonna
use the field sometimes.
255
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:27,828
This is happening to you.
256
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,656
Deal with it.
257
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,788
- Ralph, does
the confident child speak
258
00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:34,574
on your behest for you?
259
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:39,317
- Our talk is done.
Shoo.
260
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:41,711
- Shoo? You're gonna shoo me?
Shoo you.
261
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,713
Kids talk to me like that?
Jesus Christ.
262
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,193
- That was amazing!
263
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:46,411
Anthony!
[gasps]
264
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:47,848
I have to deliver
bad news all day.
265
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:50,067
Is there any chance
you'd want to sit in
266
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:52,330
on some of these sessions?
267
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,115
Okay, I can sweeten the deal.
268
00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:58,510
I got an Amazon gift card
for Christmas,
269
00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:00,338
but there's not
a slot on my computer for it,
270
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:02,253
so...
271
00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:05,343
- Sure.
272
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:08,346
[country music playing]
273
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:12,089
♪
274
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,265
- [sighs]
[doorbell rings]
275
00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:15,527
Okay.
276
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:19,880
All right.
Listen--
277
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,316
- Mare-bear.
278
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,709
Tell me that he's a liar.
279
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:24,493
Because I know that
you love me.
280
00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,669
You even said that you love
how my back smells.
281
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,150
- No, I just said,
"Your back smells."
282
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,586
- [groans]
283
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,328
- Seth, I'm looking
for something else.
284
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:35,809
- But, Mary, just think of all
the fun that we could have.
285
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:38,246
I just got us tickets
to see Michael McDonald
286
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:39,856
in concert next month.
287
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:43,555
- I mean--I mean, if you
already got the tickets, then--
288
00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:45,427
- Mary, he doesn't have
the tickets.
289
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,168
- I'm gonna get the tickets.
- He's gonna get the tickets.
290
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,604
Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get--
291
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,475
- He's never--no, he's
never gonna get the tickets.
292
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,260
- I said I was gonna get--
- He will not get the tickets!
293
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,565
- I need to get paid,
then I can buy the tickets.
294
00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:55,306
- Mary, end this.
You're a strong woman.
295
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:58,483
I've seen you kick
a coffee table across a lobby.
296
00:10:58,527 --> 00:11:01,399
[dramatic music]
297
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:04,315
- Seth, have a happy life.
298
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:07,536
- No.
I'm not going anywhere...
299
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,451
until you take me back.
300
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:12,454
- Wait. What?
Wait. Are those--
301
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:14,282
Uh, that's not good.
302
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:15,675
- Whatever. Bye.
- Where you going?
303
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,633
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
304
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,156
You're not--no. Oh.
305
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,158
♪
306
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,160
Oh.
307
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,293
♪
308
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,164
[car door opens, closes]
309
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:28,470
- Did she--
[engine turning over]
310
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:29,645
She left, right?
311
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,516
Is that her car now?
- [sighs]
312
00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:34,084
.
313
00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:35,825
- Come on.
- Closer.
314
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,088
Warmer.
Warmer.
315
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,307
- Oh, stop tricking me
into touching
316
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,917
other parts of your body.
317
00:11:40,961 --> 00:11:43,006
Just tell me where the keys
to the cuffs are.
318
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,965
- I don't know.
319
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:48,011
- All right, man.
You asked for this.
320
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:52,102
[chair whirring]
321
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:54,278
[dramatic music]
322
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:57,151
You gonna tell me?
- This is fine.
323
00:11:57,194 --> 00:12:00,371
It's kind of like
a back massage.
324
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,939
Oops. That step's trying
to steal my jeans.
325
00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:04,767
[chuckles]
Oh, it got 'em.
326
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,290
There they go.
327
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,683
Yeah, that's what
I'm working with.
328
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,077
- Oh, come on--
[doorbell rings]
329
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,123
[sighs, groans]
330
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,124
Hi.
- Hello.
331
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,473
[both chuckle]
332
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,258
Oof. Okay.
333
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,390
Three openers--
Uh, you look great, all right?
334
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,697
You smell like lemons, and..
335
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,830
Mary's ex-boyfriend
is handcuffed
336
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,788
to my dead mom's
stair lift.
337
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:28,225
- Hey, Lynette.
- Oh.
338
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,923
- Jack took off my pants
with this antique elevator.
339
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:32,360
- No, that's--that's a lie.
- Hey, Seth.
340
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,057
- Hey, do you happen to have
my paycheck on you?
341
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,450
I think it should be
around $38.
342
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:36,843
- You know, I don't,
343
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:39,149
and I think you broke even
after taxes.
344
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,890
- [scoffs]
Thanks, Obama.
345
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:41,978
- Wine?
346
00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,501
- Love some.
- Yeah.
347
00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:45,199
- What are we thinking, though,
red or white?
348
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:46,983
- [groans]
349
00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:49,072
- I don't really know anything
about birds.
350
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:53,337
My hobby is stuffing things--
you know, taxidermy.
351
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:57,428
And I guess I'd just rather
stuff birds because--
352
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,300
- So are you guys
like a thing?
353
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:01,041
Because you seem like you're
into each other,
354
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,825
but you also seem
like you're cousins.
355
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,087
Like, I guess what I'm asking
356
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:06,002
is what stuff are
you guys doing?
357
00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:07,351
- Mostly outercourse.
- None of your business.
358
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,397
- "Outercourse"?
[laughs]
359
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,356
Okay, well... [chuckles]
I'll leave you guys to it.
360
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,489
[chair whirring]
361
00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:17,057
[indistinct chatter on TV]
362
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,798
- A man should have a hobby.
363
00:13:21,017 --> 00:13:22,889
[jaunty video game
music plays]
364
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:24,847
- [chuckles]
365
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:27,894
Oh, man, these birds
are just so furious.
366
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,765
So mad.
- One second.
367
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,288
- I like it
with the sound on.
368
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:34,248
- Do you?
This is mine now.
369
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:37,033
[sighs] I mean, no phone plan
is worth this.
370
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:40,820
- Hey, you know how you
get rid of me, right?
371
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,170
You get me back
with my love...
372
00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,085
my soul mate.
373
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:49,350
♪
374
00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:51,918
- Hey, look, nobody wants
to see you backslide
375
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,397
any less than me, but...
376
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,226
You should know
Seth is obsessed with you.
377
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:59,229
He won't stop talking
about you.
378
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:00,491
- Did he say obsessed, or--
379
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,798
- Uh-uh.
Okay, I know that look.
380
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,408
Michelle, let's go.
- Yeah.
381
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:07,237
- I told you, Jack--
backslide.
382
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:10,284
♪
383
00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,938
See you.
384
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:15,245
- Yeah.
- Oop.
385
00:14:15,289 --> 00:14:17,595
- I'll find it.
Yeah.
386
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:19,554
- Look, I'm-- [scoffs]
I'm telling you,
387
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,861
this guy wants you back
so badly,
388
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,297
he went on a hunger strike.
389
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,386
- Oh, he must be
out of his mind for me.
390
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,083
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a mess.
[exhales sharply]
391
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,606
- [sighs]
You know, I'm just gonna
392
00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:30,913
stay focused, and
I'm not gonna think about him.
393
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,436
- You are gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
394
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:33,568
- [laughs]
All right.
395
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,483
- Okay.
- You got this.
396
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,443
[cell phone clicking]
397
00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:43,186
♪
398
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:44,622
[cell phone bloops]
[laughs]
399
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,624
[cell phone chimes]
400
00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:49,845
♪
401
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,195
- Stay strong.
Stay strong.
402
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:56,199
- [sighs]
403
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,114
Time to hit some peeps
with bad news.
404
00:14:58,158 --> 00:14:59,289
- [chuckles]
405
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,248
[percussive music]
406
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,207
Joyce, we moved your parking
spot to the auxiliary lot.
407
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:05,469
It's a done deal.
408
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:07,863
- You see, that's not
gonna work for me.
409
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,953
I'm already getting up
at 2:00 a.m. to take my nephew
410
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,042
to the ER 'cause of his croup.
I says to my sister--
411
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:15,305
- Joyce. Joyce.
412
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:16,654
Joyce!
413
00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,352
Not my business.
414
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,441
Mute and scoot.
415
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,965
♪
416
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,967
All of your cleaning supplies
are being switched
417
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,534
to generic and unscented.
418
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:28,362
- "Unscented"?
[laughs]
419
00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:32,148
You know what humans
do in bathrooms, right?
420
00:15:32,192 --> 00:15:34,672
You're with me on this,
right, Durbin?
421
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:36,283
- Durbin's not here.
422
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:39,895
Breathe out your mouth.
[exhales sharply]
423
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,375
♪
424
00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:43,029
[crunches]
425
00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:44,987
Principal Durbin
isn't concerning himself
426
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,989
with the casting
of the school play.
427
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:50,253
You can either play
"Tree in Distance" or quit.
428
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:53,996
- Great! I'll play the tree.
I don't mind at all.
429
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:54,997
- Oh.
430
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:58,392
♪
431
00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:01,090
- [exhales sharply]
432
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,092
♪
433
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:05,138
[school bell ringing]
- Right, new plan--
434
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:08,402
So I'm texting Mary
from her ex-boyfriend's phone.
435
00:16:08,445 --> 00:16:10,143
I'm gonna trick her
into getting back
436
00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:11,927
with that idiot so I can get
him out of my house.
437
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,408
Uh, do you guys
have any suggestions?
438
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:17,150
- I don't get it.
Aren't you Mary's friend?
439
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:19,021
- Of course. Yeah.
440
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,980
- Yeah, and didn't she offer
to put you on her family plan
441
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:22,503
if you help her
get rid of this guy?
442
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,026
- Yeah.
443
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,593
- And now you're trying
to set her up
444
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,290
with the very same man
445
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:29,510
who you yourself called
an idiot not moments ago?
446
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:35,690
- You guys--you all
think I'm a bad guy?
447
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:38,562
Is that what this is?
448
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,174
Heather, where do you
stand on this?
449
00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:42,958
- I can't tell
if you're doing a mission
450
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,525
for Ms. Wagner
or against her.
451
00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:46,570
I'm Team Griffin either way.
452
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:50,574
Let's get her...
or help her.
453
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,446
- I guess you have
to ask yourself
454
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,970
if you really care
about your friend.
455
00:16:57,581 --> 00:16:59,540
- See, this is why
I avoid friendships.
456
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,237
- Yeah, that's why.
457
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:02,760
- [sighs]
458
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:04,632
Now I'm gonna have to
figure out another way
459
00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:07,678
to get rid of this
human pork rind.
460
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:10,072
Guess I'm gonna have to do it
the old-fashioned way.
461
00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:13,075
[dramatic music]
462
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:20,126
♪
463
00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:25,000
- Scuzz-blind.
464
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,436
- Wait, what?
465
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,525
- [sighs]
466
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:31,441
.
467
00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:33,574
[both laughing]
468
00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,576
- I'm sorry, Mary, did you
have the key the whole time?
469
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,143
- No. Seth was hiding it
470
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,101
in a place I call
his "secret pouch."
471
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,624
- And that's not my butt.
472
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,104
- [groans]
No. What is happening? Why?
473
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,237
- We're back, baby.
[laughs]
474
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,673
All right, I'm gonna
pop upstairs,
475
00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:46,935
I'm gonna put my jeans
back on,
476
00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:49,068
and then we're gonna scoot.
[laughs]
477
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,941
- Oh, God.
- I know.
478
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:56,118
- Mary, you--you--you can't get
back together with that guy.
479
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,815
- Jack, don't worry.
You're off the hook.
480
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,687
We'll go get you
a brand-new phone tomorrow
481
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:01,210
and sign you up
on my plan.
482
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:04,039
- No, but it--it--
it just don't feel right.
483
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:06,737
- Okay, Jackie boy.
484
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,043
It's been a fun 24 hours,
485
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,523
but it's time for me
to get going.
486
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:10,915
- Yeah, that's
my mother's luggage.
487
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:13,483
- Oh.
488
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:16,617
Well, it's broken.
Tell her that.
489
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,053
All right, babe.
490
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,142
I'm gonna go outside
and warm up the car...
491
00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:21,665
with my farts.
492
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:24,799
[laughing]
493
00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:27,584
- Eh, diet starts tomorrow,
494
00:18:27,628 --> 00:18:29,151
but tonight I'm gonna
go eat this cake.
495
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:30,283
- Wait, wait.
Hold on one second.
496
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,154
I just--
- What the fudge?
497
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:33,634
- Uh-huh, yep. Nope.
498
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:34,896
- [grunts]
- No, no, no. Nope, nope.
499
00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:36,289
You're not going with him.
Let's go.
500
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:39,161
- Jack, I am a grown-ass woman,
501
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:42,164
and sometimes I want to make
bad decisions, so let me.
502
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,862
- No. I'm not letting you leave
until you've horned down a bit
503
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:46,864
and promise me you are done
with that dude.
504
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:49,171
- Fine, then no phone plan
for you.
505
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:51,173
- Fine.
506
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,175
But I have something to say,
507
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,177
and this is not gonna be one of
those things where I tell you
508
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,527
that you are deserving
of someone far better than
509
00:18:57,571 --> 00:19:01,749
that human tapeworm out there
because you are a catch...
510
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,185
and not just a Toledo catch,
511
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:06,536
but, like, a regular,
good-city catch.
512
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,190
Instead, I'm gonna sit here
with you
513
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,627
until you come
to that conclusion on your own.
514
00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:13,064
And there is absolutely no way
I'm letting you go before then
515
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:17,068
because I do not have the keys
to these handcuffs.
516
00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:19,027
I'm just now realizing that.
517
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,334
[ominous music]
518
00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:22,770
[knock at door, door opens]
519
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,206
- Hello?
520
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:27,340
Oh, uh, where's
Principal Durbin?
521
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:28,689
- Take a seat.
522
00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,039
- Okeydokey.
[chuckles]
523
00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:34,042
Didn't expect, uh...
you to be here.
524
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:35,565
[clears throat]
So, uh...
525
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:38,220
what is this meeting about?
526
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:41,310
♪
527
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,704
- As you can see,
you gave me a B-minus
528
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:45,358
on my erosion diorama.
529
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,098
I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let you keep me
530
00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:49,927
out of Georgetown,
so you're gonna give me an A,
531
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,929
or we're gonna have
to let you go.
532
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:53,670
♪
533
00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:55,237
- [gasps]
534
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:58,588
Oh, thank God.
Anthony's trying to fire me.
535
00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:00,242
- What are you doing?
536
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,026
- I think something
bit Anthony.
537
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,027
Can you hear me?
538
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,768
- Quiet, Noodle Curls!
539
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:07,336
- You got a little too much
dip on your chip, buster.
540
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:10,252
Get up, take your
disrespectful butt
541
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,254
straight to my office!
542
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,082
Keep it moving!
543
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:16,650
- I'm sorry. I was trying
to help Principal Durbin.
544
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:21,176
- Dave, your classes
are being transferred
545
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,308
to the trailer.
546
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:23,961
- What?
547
00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:25,746
Oh, come on.
548
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:28,923
- We're done talking. Shoo.
549
00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:31,230
[exhales sharply]
- [groans]
550
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:33,884
Well, thank you so much
for ruining my day.
551
00:20:33,928 --> 00:20:35,669
I already sat in cornbread.
552
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:38,149
[sighs]
Come on.
553
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,717
[dramatic music]
554
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,284
- [laughing]
555
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:43,894
- Well, good work,
Jack-In-The-Sweats.
556
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:45,331
- Yeah, nice job.
557
00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:47,811
- Hey, I would do the same
for either of you.
558
00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:49,160
- Aw.
559
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,292
- Please don't break up
my marriage.
560
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:51,859
Please.
- I'm not--
561
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,164
- Now, Stef, she could use
a little help.
562
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:54,775
- I don't have a problem.
563
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:57,778
I just like dating
older Indian doctors.
564
00:20:57,821 --> 00:20:59,127
- They're always
secretly married.
565
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:00,302
- Not happily.
566
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:01,825
- And leaders
of a sex cult.
567
00:21:01,869 --> 00:21:04,088
- Not happily.
568
00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,264
[school bell ringing]
569
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,266
- Oh, I should head
to class.
570
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,137
- Yep, I should probably
head with you.
571
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:10,356
Okeydokey.
572
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:11,705
- We can hit shop class
at lunch.
573
00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:12,967
- Okay.
- You know?
574
00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:14,142
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Whoa.
575
00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:15,404
- I got to say, though,
576
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,711
I, uh--I'm gonna miss this.
- Aw.
40500
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