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1
00:00:00,431 --> 00:00:02,602
YES.
2
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:05,175
NOW THIS IS A SANDWICH,
MY FRIEND. (chuckles)
3
00:00:05,176 --> 00:00:07,107
MOM DOESN'T WANT
HAM AND CHEESE ANYMORE.
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,638
NOW SHE WANTS SALAMI.
5
00:00:08,639 --> 00:00:10,710
SALAMI IT IS.
6
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,083
YOU KNOW, ANDY,
7
00:00:13,084 --> 00:00:15,585
WHEN YOUR WIFE'S
ABOUT TO HAVE TWINS,
8
00:00:15,586 --> 00:00:18,118
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
A SHORT-ORDER COOK 24/7.
9
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:21,621
FORGET THE SALAMI.
NOW SHE WANTS TURKEY.
10
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,154
TURKEY IT IS.
11
00:00:24,155 --> 00:00:27,157
YOU KNOW, ANDY, YOU CAN
HELP ME HERE A LITTLE BIT.
12
00:00:27,158 --> 00:00:29,159
OH, YEAH, SURE.
13
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:34,164
THAT TURKEY IS POISON-FREE.
CARRY ON.
14
00:00:34,165 --> 00:00:36,166
NOW MOM WANTS BOLOGNA,
15
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:39,739
OR SHE SAYS
SHE'S GONNA GO APE CRAP.
16
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:42,172
BOLOGNA IT IS.
17
00:00:42,173 --> 00:00:46,276
PREGO WANTS BOLOGNA,
PREGO GETS BOLOGNA.
18
00:00:46,277 --> 00:00:47,777
(cell phone beeps)
19
00:00:47,778 --> 00:00:50,480
UH-OH.
TEXT MESSAGE FROM CHERYL.
20
00:00:50,481 --> 00:00:53,484
"NO SANDWICH. JUST APPLE.
APPROACHING APE CRAP."
21
00:00:55,626 --> 00:00:57,127
FINE.
22
00:00:57,128 --> 00:00:59,589
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS MAY LOOK LIKE A PAIN,
23
00:00:59,590 --> 00:01:02,162
BUT IN THE END,
IT'LL ALL BE WORTH IT,
24
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,134
'CAUSE I'LL HAVE
TWO SCREAMING KIDS
25
00:01:04,135 --> 00:01:07,197
PUKING ON ME
AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.
26
00:01:07,198 --> 00:01:11,341
YES! GOOD JOB, TROOPS.
LUNCHTIME. (laughs)
27
00:01:11,342 --> 00:01:14,274
YOU KNOW, WE COULD HAVE
MADE OUR OWN SANDWICHES.
28
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:17,347
IT'S BETTER WHEN WE TRICK HIM.
SHUT IT.
29
00:01:17,348 --> 00:01:20,351
♪♪♪
30
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:29,189
HEY, HOW'S YOUR MOTHER?
31
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,721
REALLY HUNGRY.
SHE ALMOST BIT ME.
32
00:01:31,722 --> 00:01:34,294
GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
33
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:37,096
AND THEN SHE SET
HER HAIR ON FIRE.
34
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,370
AH, THAT'S GREAT, HONEY.
THAT'S GREAT.
35
00:01:40,371 --> 00:01:42,702
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.
36
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:45,305
YEAH, NO, YOU CAN HAVE
FRIENDS OVER, JUST NO BOYS.
37
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:48,178
HOW MANY DAYS
ARE THERE IN APRIL?
38
00:01:48,179 --> 00:01:49,309
30.
39
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,182
ISN'T THIS A LEAP YEAR?
40
00:01:52,183 --> 00:01:53,543
DOESN'T MATTER.
41
00:01:53,544 --> 00:01:55,545
ALL RIGHT.
THEN IT'S OFFICIAL...
42
00:01:55,546 --> 00:01:59,118
YOUR UNCLE ANDY
IS A COMPLETE FATHEADED JERK.
43
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,252
YOU NEED A CALENDAR
TO KEEP TRACK OF THAT?
44
00:02:02,253 --> 00:02:04,894
DO YOU REMEMBER
UNCLE ANDY'S BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR?
45
00:02:04,895 --> 00:02:08,828
YEAH, MOM WAS IN FLORIDA.
YOU MADE ME BAKE A CAKE.
46
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,361
YES. THE CAKE...
47
00:02:11,362 --> 00:02:14,564
THE FIRST DISAPPOINTMENT
OF THAT EVENING.
48
00:02:14,565 --> 00:02:15,865
(Jim) YAY.
49
00:02:15,866 --> 00:02:17,567
(cheering)
50
00:02:17,568 --> 00:02:19,569
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
51
00:02:19,570 --> 00:02:20,870
(laughs) THANK YOU.
52
00:02:20,871 --> 00:02:24,874
NOW WHO WANTS A PIECE...
53
00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:26,747
OF THIS TRAIN WRECK?
54
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:33,423
I'M ONLY 12.
MAKE YOUR OWN CAKE.
55
00:02:33,424 --> 00:02:35,885
WELL, ANDY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA.
56
00:02:35,886 --> 00:02:39,189
OH. (laughs)
57
00:02:39,190 --> 00:02:41,531
(gasps) HOLY CRAP.
58
00:02:41,532 --> 00:02:45,595
A GIFT CERTIFICATE
TO SIR STEVEN B's STEAKHOUSE.
59
00:02:45,596 --> 00:02:47,897
YEAH, YEAH,
IT'S... IT'S, UH, WORTH 200 BUCKS,
60
00:02:47,898 --> 00:02:50,840
SO YOU JUST HAVE
TO PICK A FRIEND...
61
00:02:50,841 --> 00:02:52,702
WHO LIKES STEAK...
62
00:02:52,703 --> 00:02:54,304
AND GO WILD.
63
00:02:54,305 --> 00:02:56,846
WOW. HMM. LET'S SEE.
64
00:02:56,847 --> 00:03:00,550
(gasps) YOU'RE A FRIEND,
AND YOU LIKE STEAK.
65
00:03:00,551 --> 00:03:04,183
(clicks tongue) DO I?
66
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,185
I REMEMBER I DO!
67
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,459
(laughs) AW, MAN, JIM.
(laughs)
68
00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:12,462
OH, THE BEST GIFT EVER
FROM THE BEST FRIEND EVER.
69
00:03:12,463 --> 00:03:14,824
AW.
AW, WHEN CAN WE GO?
70
00:03:14,825 --> 00:03:16,826
OH, WE CAN GO
WHENEVER WE WANT,
71
00:03:16,827 --> 00:03:19,599
BUT REMEMBER,
THIS EXPIRES IN SIX MONTHS,
72
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,900
SO DON'T FORGET IT.
73
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:24,203
I COULD NEVER FORGET
SOMETHING THIS GENEROUS,
74
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,636
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
75
00:03:26,637 --> 00:03:29,208
THAT WAS 5 MONTHS
AND 29 DAYS AGO.
76
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,210
IT EXPIRES TOMORROW!
77
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,213
AND HE STILL
HASN'T USED IT!
78
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,447
MAYBE HE TOOK A DATE.
79
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,850
(both laughing)
80
00:03:40,851 --> 00:03:43,553
NO. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
81
00:03:43,554 --> 00:03:46,556
I HAVE BEEN KEEPING TRACK
OF EVERY ONE OF ANDY'S MEALS
82
00:03:46,557 --> 00:03:48,698
FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS,
83
00:03:48,699 --> 00:03:52,001
AND I KNOW FOR A FACT
HE HASN'T USED THAT CARD,
84
00:03:52,002 --> 00:03:57,537
AND HE'S ON
A 56-DAY NO SALAD STREAK.
85
00:03:57,538 --> 00:04:01,841
I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WASTED
$200 ON THAT JERK.
86
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,614
WELL, LUCKILY,
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
87
00:04:04,615 --> 00:04:07,447
IT'S THE WHAT THAT WHATS?
88
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,449
YOUR GENEROSITY.
YOUR HEART.
89
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:12,452
YOU GIVE SOMEONE A GIFT
BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD.
90
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:17,857
NO. YOU GIVE SOMEONE A GIFT,
HONEY, TO GET A CREDIT.
91
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:20,560
THAT WAY
THEY GOTTA GET YOU A GIFT
92
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:23,733
EVEN BETTER THAN THE ONE
YOU GAVE 'EM,
93
00:04:23,734 --> 00:04:25,965
AND THEN YOU'RE AHEAD
94
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:30,039
AS LONG AS YOU DIE FIRST.
95
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:33,673
BUT WHEN I GIVE SOMEONE A GIFT,
I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS.
96
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:36,846
BABY, YOU GAVE ME
A PICTURE FRAME
97
00:04:36,847 --> 00:04:40,550
MADE OUT
OF POPSICLE STICKS.
98
00:04:40,551 --> 00:04:42,912
WHAT EXPECTATIONS
COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE?
99
00:04:42,913 --> 00:04:45,385
WELL, I THINK
YOU SHOULD GIVE UNCLE ANDY
100
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,387
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
101
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,888
I WOULD,
102
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,391
BUT HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T
USE IT FOR SIX MONTHS.
103
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,793
(door opens)
(Andy) HEY, EVERYBODY.
104
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,295
MAYBE THAT'S HIM
COMING TO ASK YOU
105
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,297
TO HAVE
A STEAK DINNER WITH HIM.
106
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,370
YOU KNOW WHAT, RUBY?
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
107
00:05:00,371 --> 00:05:02,502
MAYBE TONIGHT IS STEAK NIGHT.
108
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:06,005
HEY, NEW TACO PLACE
ON 5th STREET!
109
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,006
AW.
110
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,508
(laughs)
111
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:11,911
TE AMO, TACO.
TE AMO. MMM.
112
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:15,785
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR DINNER
TOMORROW NIGHT, UNCLE ANDY?
113
00:05:15,786 --> 00:05:17,086
(mouth full) MM, NO.
114
00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:20,319
THURSDAYS I TEACH WATER AEROBICS
AT THE SENIOR CENTER.
115
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,822
(normal voice)
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET
116
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,825
SOME ALONE TIME WITH ROSE,
BUT HER HUSBAND JUST SITS THERE
117
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,828
GLARING AT ME
FROM BEHIND HIS OXYGEN MASK,
118
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,830
AS IF HE'S SOME BIG SHOT...
119
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,832
(deep voice)
"OOH, I'M AN EX-COP."
120
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,334
(normal voice) OW. MM.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
121
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,338
I BELIEVE THE ALAMO IS
ABOUT TO FALL TO THE MEXICANS.
122
00:05:41,011 --> 00:05:45,044
RUBY,
THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND.
123
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:48,047
HE FORGOT THE MOST GENEROUS GIFT
I HAVE EVER GIVEN.
124
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,049
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
REMIND HIM
125
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:53,683
THAT HE HAS THE GIFT CERTIFICATE?
IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING.
126
00:05:53,684 --> 00:05:55,655
WHAT PRINCIPLE?
127
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,857
(scoffs) COME ON, HONEY.
WISE UP!
128
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:02,392
POINTLESS MALE PRIDE!
129
00:06:02,393 --> 00:06:05,535
RUN! COME ON, CATCH UP.
COME ON, GET HIM!
130
00:06:05,536 --> 00:06:07,537
THANK GOD,
A BOY TO TALK TO.
131
00:06:07,538 --> 00:06:10,900
COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.
I'M GONNA GET YOU.
132
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:14,645
KYLE...
THE TV's NOT ON.
133
00:06:18,749 --> 00:06:20,880
I KNOW.
I'M JUST PRETENDING.
134
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,854
DANG, I LOST AGAIN.
135
00:06:25,416 --> 00:06:27,757
KYLE...
(sighs) YOU KNOW WHAT?
136
00:06:27,758 --> 00:06:30,019
I NEED YOUR OPINION
ON SOMETHING.
137
00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:35,565
LET'S SAY THAT YOU GAVE GRACIE
A REALLY NICE GIFT,
138
00:06:35,566 --> 00:06:37,026
LIKE A PUPPY.
139
00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:39,398
WE'RE GETTING A PUPPY?
140
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:43,402
NO. NO. LET'S JUST SAY
YOU GAVE HER A GIFT,
141
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,936
AND SHE PUT THIS PUPPY
IN HER DRAWER.
142
00:06:48,038 --> 00:06:51,040
IF YOU DON'T GET THAT PUPPY
OUT OF THE DRAWER BY TOMORROW,
143
00:06:51,041 --> 00:06:53,583
THAT PUPPY'S GONNA DIE.
144
00:06:53,584 --> 00:06:55,846
IF HE DIES,
CAN WE GET A KITTY?
145
00:06:58,749 --> 00:07:01,421
FOCUS!
146
00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:07,927
IF I DON'T GET THAT PUPPY
OUT OF THAT DRAWER,
147
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,599
IT'S GONNA DIE.
148
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,831
WHAT SHOULD DADDY DO?
149
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:15,535
YOU GOTTA SAVE IT.
I LOVE THAT PUPPY.
150
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:18,037
I KNOW YOU DO.
151
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,870
I LOVE THAT PUPPY, TOO.
152
00:07:20,871 --> 00:07:22,942
I'M GONNA GO
SAVE THE PUPPY!
153
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,974
YAY!
154
00:07:24,975 --> 00:07:28,147
CHERYL, I'M GOING TO DINNER.
WATCH THE KIDS!
155
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:31,922
GRACIE!
GIVE ME BACK MY PUPPY!
156
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,492
SIR?
YES.
157
00:07:42,493 --> 00:07:45,495
I CHECKED WITH OUR MANAGER.
SINCE YOU HAVE YOUR RECEIPT,
158
00:07:45,496 --> 00:07:47,937
WE'LL BE HAPPY TO ACCEPT
YOUR GIFT CERTIFICATE.
159
00:07:47,938 --> 00:07:49,969
OH, THAT'S GREAT,
160
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,942
BECAUSE I LICKED
ALL THE SILVERWARE ALREADY.
161
00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:56,145
CAN I START YOU OFF
WITH A DRINK?
162
00:07:56,146 --> 00:07:58,107
OH, I DRANK BEFORE I CAME.
163
00:07:58,108 --> 00:08:00,009
AHH, LET'S SEE.
164
00:08:00,010 --> 00:08:04,183
I WANT
$200 WORTH OF MEAT...
165
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:08,057
ALL KINDS OF MEAT.
166
00:08:08,058 --> 00:08:10,489
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HEAR OUR SPECIALS?
167
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,723
DO YOU HAVE
A $200 MEAT SAMPLER?
168
00:08:13,724 --> 00:08:14,864
NO.
169
00:08:14,865 --> 00:08:17,166
OKAY THEN.
I'LL HAVE THE RIB EYE STEAK,
170
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:19,869
THE PORTERHOUSE STEAK,
SOME CRAB LEGS...
171
00:08:19,870 --> 00:08:21,170
OH, AND BY THE WAY,
172
00:08:21,171 --> 00:08:24,233
UH, GIVE ME A HEADS-UP
WHEN I HIT 185 BUCKS.
173
00:08:24,234 --> 00:08:26,936
I'M ALMOST AFRAID
TO TELL YOU THIS,
174
00:08:26,937 --> 00:08:29,839
BUT ALL THOSE ENTRéES
COME WITH SALADS.
175
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,643
MEAT SALADS?
176
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:49,559
(groans)
177
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,901
ARE YOU OKAY, SIR?
178
00:08:51,902 --> 00:08:55,064
FANTASTIC.
179
00:08:55,065 --> 00:08:57,066
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
A DESSERT MENU?
180
00:08:57,067 --> 00:09:01,210
YES.
181
00:09:01,211 --> 00:09:03,913
BUT YOU'LL HAVE
TO HOLD IT FOR ME,
182
00:09:03,914 --> 00:09:05,916
BECAUSE I CAN'T
LIFT MY ARMS.
183
00:09:09,820 --> 00:09:11,822
(gasps)
184
00:09:14,785 --> 00:09:17,087
(high-pitched voice)
OH, MY GOD.
185
00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:21,892
(normal voice)
BRING 'EM ALL.
186
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,939
KYLE, STOP FOLLOWING ME.
187
00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:34,103
I DON'T HAVE
A STUPID PUPPY!
188
00:09:34,104 --> 00:09:35,945
I HEAR HIM BARKING.
189
00:09:35,946 --> 00:09:38,648
YOU'RE A LIAR!
190
00:09:38,649 --> 00:09:42,782
OH, BOY.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME.
191
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,984
HOW WAS YOUR DINNER?
192
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,958
YOU ENJOY
YOUR REHEATED MAC 'N CHEESE?
193
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:54,123
I HAD THREE STEAKS
AND A RACK OF LAMB.
194
00:09:54,124 --> 00:09:57,026
YOU USED UNCLE ANDY'S
GIFT CERTIFICATE, DIDN'T YOU?
195
00:09:57,027 --> 00:09:59,629
DAMN RIGHT, I DID.
196
00:09:59,630 --> 00:10:03,232
$198.50...
197
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:05,374
RIGHT THERE.
198
00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:07,777
BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR...
199
00:10:07,778 --> 00:10:11,381
HEY, I'M NO MONSTER.
I LEFT A TIP.
200
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,114
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
201
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,917
HE WAS NEVER GONNA
USE THAT CERTIFICATE,
202
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,289
AND YOU KNOW IT, NEVER!
203
00:10:20,290 --> 00:10:23,823
OH, JIM,
I AM SUCH A DUMMY.
204
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,796
AGREED. CONTINUE.
205
00:10:26,797 --> 00:10:28,327
YOU REMEMBER
THAT GIFT CERTIFICATE
206
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,330
YOU GAVE ME
FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
207
00:10:35,966 --> 00:10:37,937
VAGUELY.
208
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:40,970
WELL, HERE'S THE THING...
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT.
209
00:10:40,971 --> 00:10:44,113
I KNOW.
I'M THE BIGGEST JERK EVER.
210
00:10:44,114 --> 00:10:46,416
OR IN THE RUNNING.
211
00:10:47,978 --> 00:10:50,049
IT MUST HAVE FALLEN
OUT OF MY WALLET,
212
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:53,052
'CAUSE I FOUND IT IN BETWEEN
A COUPLE OF COUCH CUSHIONS,
213
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,054
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,
214
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,656
IT DOESN'T EXPIRE
UNTIL TOMORROW.
215
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,861
THAT IS GOOD NEWS!
216
00:11:02,993 --> 00:11:07,737
SO ME AND MY BEST BUDDY CAN GO
EAT OURSELVES SICK ON STEAK.
217
00:11:07,738 --> 00:11:10,440
THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
218
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:15,074
BUT... BUT... BUT, OH, YOU GOT
THAT AEROBICS CLASS TOMORROW.
219
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,206
YOU DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT
THOSE OLD PEOPLE.
220
00:11:17,207 --> 00:11:18,908
PLEASE.
221
00:11:18,909 --> 00:11:21,210
I SHOW UP ON FRIDAY,
TELL 'EM IT'S THURSDAY,
222
00:11:21,211 --> 00:11:23,082
THEY DON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.
223
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:26,115
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
224
00:11:26,116 --> 00:11:29,019
YEAH, DADDY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
225
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,692
I SAY LET'S DO IT!
226
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:38,697
I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME
I HAD A GOOD STEAK.
227
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:42,932
DADDY, I FOUND OUR PUPPY.
228
00:11:42,933 --> 00:11:46,276
GRACIE HAD HIM TIED UP
IN THE NEIGHBOR'S YARD.
229
00:11:54,985 --> 00:11:56,285
♪ DOO, DOO, DOO ♪
230
00:11:56,286 --> 00:11:58,047
♪ CHEW, CHEW, CHEW ♪
231
00:11:58,048 --> 00:12:00,950
♪ STEAK, STEAK, STEAK ♪
232
00:12:00,951 --> 00:12:02,721
HOW DO I LOOK?
233
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,254
LIKE A REALLY BAD FRIEND
AND A HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL.
234
00:12:05,255 --> 00:12:07,226
NO, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THAT.
235
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:11,130
THE SHIRT, THE PANTS...
DO THEY MATCH? IT'S FINE.
236
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:12,431
OH, THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
237
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:15,404
YOU ALREADY USED UP
UNCLE ANDY'S GIFT CERTIFICATE.
238
00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:17,406
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
239
00:12:17,407 --> 00:12:20,109
I'M GONNA MAKE IT
VERY SIMPLE FOR YOU, HONEY.
240
00:12:20,110 --> 00:12:22,411
I'M GONNA ENJOY
A FANTASTIC, EXPENSIVE STEAK,
241
00:12:22,412 --> 00:12:25,414
AND THEN WHEN THE CHECK COMES,
I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM,
242
00:12:25,415 --> 00:12:28,347
DITCH OUT
AND LEAVE THE CHECK FOR ANDY.
243
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,280
DADDY, THAT'S TERRIBLE!
244
00:12:31,281 --> 00:12:35,955
OH, RUBY, MY SWEET RUBY.
SIT DOWN, HONEY.
245
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,957
LET ME
BREAK THIS DOWN FOR YOU.
246
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,259
I CAN EITHER GET IN TROUBLE
WITH UNCLE ANDY
247
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,961
AND NOT HAVE STEAK,
248
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,963
OR GET IN TROUBLE
WITH UNCLE ANDY
249
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,264
AND HAVE STEAK!
250
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,136
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
251
00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:50,499
YOU KNOW...
252
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:53,402
YOU COULD SECRETLY
GIVE THE WAITER $200,
253
00:12:53,403 --> 00:12:56,775
AND LET UNCLE ANDY THINK
THAT NOTHING HAPPENED.
254
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,278
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
255
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,510
I ALREADY SPENT
200 BUCKS ON HIM.
256
00:13:01,511 --> 00:13:03,512
NO, YOU SPENT $200 ON YOU.
257
00:13:03,513 --> 00:13:05,514
I MIGHT NOT BE A GROWN-UP,
258
00:13:05,515 --> 00:13:07,857
BUT I THINK THAT'S
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
259
00:13:07,858 --> 00:13:10,119
"THE RIGHT THING TO DO"?
260
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,422
WHAT DOES THAT
HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
261
00:13:14,364 --> 00:13:16,365
YOU KNOW,
YOUR MOTHER CAN SIT THERE
262
00:13:16,366 --> 00:13:18,367
AND FOLD HER LEGS
AND FOLD HER ARMS
263
00:13:18,368 --> 00:13:20,069
AND GIVE ME THAT LOOK
264
00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:23,502
AND TRY TO GUILT ME
INTO DOING THE RIGHT THING,
265
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,836
BUT DON'T THINK YOU CAN.
266
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,280
(gritted teeth) DAMN IT.
267
00:13:31,281 --> 00:13:35,285
FINE.
I'LL DO THE RIGHT THING.
268
00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:39,249
BUT IT'S THE LAST TIME!
269
00:13:41,291 --> 00:13:43,192
(jazzy piano music playing)
270
00:13:43,193 --> 00:13:44,823
UHH.
UHH.
271
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,825
I TELL YA WHAT, JIM,
272
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,859
IF I DIE TONIGHT,
I'LL DIE A HAPPY MAN.
273
00:13:49,860 --> 00:13:51,500
I HEAR YA, ANDY.
274
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:54,334
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
I MAY DIE TONIGHT.
275
00:13:56,166 --> 00:13:58,537
CAN YOU BELIEVE I FORGOT
THIS GIFT CERTIFICATE?
276
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,239
OHH.
277
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,441
IT'S ALMOST LIKE
I DON'T DESERVE THIS DINNER.
278
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,944
ALMOST.
279
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:08,377
YOU MUST'VE BEEN STEWING
ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS.
280
00:14:08,378 --> 00:14:10,619
(sighs) WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT, ANDY?
281
00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:13,282
WHEN I GAVE YOU
THIS GIFT CERTIFICATE,
282
00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:16,425
THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE
WAS WORTH THE $200,
283
00:14:16,426 --> 00:14:19,288
AND NOW HAVING
THIS MEAL TONIGHT,
284
00:14:19,289 --> 00:14:23,092
IT'S LIKE
IT'S ANOTHER $200.
285
00:14:23,093 --> 00:14:24,894
(laughs) OH.
286
00:14:24,895 --> 00:14:26,595
(gasps) WHOA, HEY.
287
00:14:26,596 --> 00:14:28,297
HEY. WHOA, WAIT.
288
00:14:28,298 --> 00:14:30,439
WHAT ARE YOU,
MY CARDIOLOGIST?
289
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,143
I WAS GONNA EAT THAT FAT!
290
00:14:35,445 --> 00:14:38,347
HEY, BUDDY.
BUDDY, COME HERE.
291
00:14:38,348 --> 00:14:40,349
WELL, WE'RE ALMOST OUT
OF STEAK,
292
00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:43,412
BUT I KNOW THE SOUS-CHEF
KEEPS A HORSE AT HIS HOUSE.
293
00:14:43,413 --> 00:14:46,986
YEAH. NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT THAT.
294
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,457
UM, LISTEN, UH,
295
00:14:48,458 --> 00:14:51,160
THIS GUY I'M WITH
IS GONNA TRY TO USE
296
00:14:51,161 --> 00:14:53,362
THAT GIFT CERTIFICATE
THAT I USED LAST NIGHT,
297
00:14:53,363 --> 00:14:56,365
SO WHEN HE PRESENTS IT,
UH, JUST GO WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?
298
00:14:56,366 --> 00:14:59,198
AND ON MY WAY OUT,
I'LL FLIP YA 200 BUCKS.
299
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:01,270
ONE OTHER THING.
300
00:15:01,271 --> 00:15:04,274
HOW WOULD YOU BE SERVING
THAT HORSE TONIGHT?
301
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:09,138
WOW, WHAT A NIGHT.
302
00:15:09,139 --> 00:15:10,409
(laughs)
303
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,111
THANK YOU.
304
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,313
JIM, THIS IS PROBABLY
THE MOST GENEROUS GIFT EVER.
305
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,345
OH, COME ON, MAN.
IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.
306
00:15:16,346 --> 00:15:19,289
OH, SURE IT WAS.
YOU'RE THE CHEAPEST GUY I KNOW.
307
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:23,292
ANDY, I AM NOT CHEAP.
308
00:15:23,293 --> 00:15:25,624
I'M THRIFTY.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
309
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,626
(laughs) YEAH.
YEAH, CHEAP COSTS LESS.
310
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:30,529
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE CHEAP.
I'M THE GENEROUS ONE.
311
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:33,462
I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE
WITH YOU TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?
312
00:15:33,463 --> 00:15:37,306
BUT TRUST ME, I'M BEING
TWICE AS GENEROUS AS YOU THINK.
313
00:15:37,307 --> 00:15:39,008
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
314
00:15:39,009 --> 00:15:41,010
WHAT, YOU REMEMBER
YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
315
00:15:41,011 --> 00:15:43,012
I GOT YOU
THAT SATELLITE RADIO,
316
00:15:43,013 --> 00:15:45,474
'CAUSE NOTHING'S TOO GOOD
FOR MY BEST BUDDY, MR. CHEAP.
317
00:15:45,475 --> 00:15:48,147
(inhales deeply)
318
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,279
WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
319
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:53,152
MR. CHEAP HAS TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
320
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,453
I UNDERSTAND IT'S FREE.
321
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,455
I MAY GO TWICE.
322
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,227
(laughs) OH.
323
00:15:58,228 --> 00:16:01,190
HEY, PUT A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER
IN YOUR POCKET,
324
00:16:01,191 --> 00:16:03,192
'CAUSE IT'S...
(high-pitched voice) FREE!
325
00:16:03,193 --> 00:16:04,493
(laughs)
326
00:16:04,494 --> 00:16:07,296
(laughs) YOU KNOW, ANDY,
WHILE I'M AWAY,
327
00:16:07,297 --> 00:16:09,298
WHY DON'T YOU ORDER DESSERT?
328
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:12,171
ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT.
IT'S ON ME.
329
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,173
EVEN IF IT GOES OVER
330
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:17,046
THE GENEROUS $200
I'VE ALREADY SPENT.
331
00:16:17,047 --> 00:16:21,180
I LOVE
THIS BIG, CHEAP GUY!
332
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:24,383
YOU KNOW THE, UH,
PLAN I GAVE YOU BEFORE?
333
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,085
FORGET IT.
334
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,387
STICK THE BILL
TO MR. GENEROUS OVER HERE.
335
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:33,422
I AM THE LUCKIEST BOY
IN THE WORLD.
336
00:16:33,423 --> 00:16:35,424
(blues music playing)
337
00:16:35,425 --> 00:16:37,426
(laughing)
338
00:16:37,427 --> 00:16:40,369
(man) THAT WAS "CADILLAC MAN,"
BY THE SACRED HEARTS.
339
00:16:40,370 --> 00:16:43,072
COMING UP NEXT, FOUR HOURS
OF UNINTERRUPTED BLUES
340
00:16:43,073 --> 00:16:45,074
ON THE SATELLITE RADIO NETWORK.
341
00:16:45,075 --> 00:16:48,708
(laughs)
342
00:16:54,184 --> 00:16:57,686
OHH, OH, I'M SO STUFFED.
343
00:16:57,687 --> 00:17:00,389
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
344
00:17:00,390 --> 00:17:03,092
SERVES YOU RIGHT
FOR RIPPING OFF UNCLE ANDY
345
00:17:03,093 --> 00:17:05,324
AND DITCHING HIM AT DINNER.
346
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:06,725
HE CALLED ME CHEAP!
347
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,658
YOU ARE CHEAP.
WHY, LISTEN, MISSY...
348
00:17:09,659 --> 00:17:12,731
OH, TOO FAST. TOO FAST.
349
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,804
WHAT THE HELL?
350
00:17:19,569 --> 00:17:22,671
YOU USED MY GIFT CARD
AND THEN YOU DITCHED ME?
351
00:17:22,672 --> 00:17:26,245
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!
WHOA, TOO FAST. OH, GOD.
352
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,747
I HAD TO SHELL OUT 250 BUCKS,
WALK HOME,
353
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:31,250
I ALMOST GOT HIT
BY A CAR... (groans)
354
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,722
AND I DROPPED
MY OTHER SWANS.
355
00:17:33,723 --> 00:17:36,425
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT
TO ME?
356
00:17:36,426 --> 00:17:39,388
HOW COULD I DO THAT TO YOU?
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
357
00:17:39,389 --> 00:17:42,791
WHAT DID I DO TO YOU? YOU
SPIT IN THE FACE OF MY GIFT CARD.
358
00:17:42,792 --> 00:17:46,064
SO YOU USED IT
WITHOUT ME?
359
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,697
I RESCUED IT,
LIKE A PUPPY FROM THE DRAWER,
360
00:17:48,698 --> 00:17:51,440
AND THEN I TRIED
TO DO THE RIGHT THING,
361
00:17:51,441 --> 00:17:54,173
AND YOU CALLED ME CHEAP!
I AM NOT CHEAP!
362
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,605
OH, I'M SORRY.
363
00:17:56,606 --> 00:17:59,348
THE ALTRUISTIC PHILANTHROPIST
SKIPPED OUT ON THE CHECK.
364
00:17:59,349 --> 00:18:00,779
YOU...
365
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,281
RUBY?
366
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,253
UNSELFISH DO-GOODER.
367
00:18:04,254 --> 00:18:05,784
(gasps)
368
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,756
HOW DARE YOU?
369
00:18:07,757 --> 00:18:11,420
AFTER I SPENT $200
ON THAT CERTIFICATE FOR YOU
370
00:18:11,421 --> 00:18:13,422
BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY.
371
00:18:13,423 --> 00:18:16,695
I WANTED TO SHOW YOU
HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.
372
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,667
ACTUALLY, DAD...
373
00:18:18,668 --> 00:18:20,769
HOW'S UNCLE ANDY'S
BIRTHDAY CAKE COMING?
374
00:18:20,770 --> 00:18:22,471
REALLY GOOD.
375
00:18:22,472 --> 00:18:25,103
WE'RE OUT OF BAKING SODA,
SO I USED DIET SODA.
376
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,606
GOOD THINKING.
377
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,339
WHAT DID YOU GET
UNCLE ANDY?
378
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:33,712
OH, I GOT HIM WHAT I CALL
"THE BIRTHDAY COMBO PACKAGE"...
379
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,884
FLASHLIGHT,
380
00:18:35,885 --> 00:18:39,888
A 10-POUND CAN
OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING,
381
00:18:39,889 --> 00:18:42,251
JUMPER CABLES...
382
00:18:42,252 --> 00:18:44,253
DAD,
HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.
383
00:18:44,254 --> 00:18:46,795
YOU HAVE TO GET HIM
SOMETHING MORE THAN THAT.
384
00:18:46,796 --> 00:18:48,797
I DID. PICKLES.
385
00:18:48,798 --> 00:18:51,830
HE'S FAMILY, DAD,
AND THAT JAR IS HALF EMPTY.
386
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,432
CORRECTION...
387
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,265
HALF FULL.
388
00:19:03,713 --> 00:19:07,716
FINE. I'LL GET HIM
SOMETHING GOOD.
389
00:19:07,717 --> 00:19:11,420
YOU HAD TO BE TALKED INTO
THIS PRESENT YOU STOLE FROM ME
390
00:19:11,421 --> 00:19:15,554
AFTER I SO GENEROUSLY GAVE YOU
THAT SATELLITE RADIO?
391
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:18,487
IT CRACKLES
WHEN I DRIVE UNDER BRIDGES.
392
00:19:18,488 --> 00:19:19,858
IT'S A GOOD GIFT, JIM,
393
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,261
AND IT CAME FROM MY HEART
BECAUSE I'M THE GENEROUS ONE.
394
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,193
NOT SO FAST...
395
00:19:24,194 --> 00:19:26,795
IS THAT DADDY'S BIRTHDAY
PRESENT? SURE IS.
396
00:19:26,796 --> 00:19:29,838
WHAT DID YOU GET HIM?
OH, HE IS GONNA LOVE IT.
397
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:32,741
I GOT HIM A MOOSE
THAT POOPS CANDY,
398
00:19:32,742 --> 00:19:34,243
A NAKED LADY PEN
399
00:19:34,244 --> 00:19:37,507
AND JUMPER CABLES.
400
00:19:39,749 --> 00:19:43,582
FINE. I'LL GET HIM
SOMETHING GOOD.
401
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,884
I THINK I KNOW
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE.
402
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:48,887
I THINK I DO, TOO.
403
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:53,762
OHH.
OHH.
404
00:19:53,763 --> 00:19:57,195
IT'S YOUR FAULT.
405
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,197
ME? WHAT DID I DO?
406
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,700
YOU FORCED US
TO BE GENEROUS.
407
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,702
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN
PERFECTLY HAPPY
408
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,734
WITH THE GIFTS
THAT WE PLANNED FOR EACH OTHER,
409
00:20:05,735 --> 00:20:09,578
BUT YOU HAD TO STICK
YOUR LITTLE NOSE IN IT.
410
00:20:09,579 --> 00:20:14,743
ANDY, DO YOU STILL HAVE
THAT CANDY-POOPING MOOSE?
411
00:20:14,744 --> 00:20:18,247
IF YOU STILL HAVE
THAT PUDDING.
412
00:20:18,248 --> 00:20:21,891
COME ON OVER HERE
AND GIVE ME A BIG HUG.
413
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:29,259
I JUST CAN'T MOVE, JIM.
SOMETHING'S GONNA POP.
414
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,231
WELL, THEN
LET'S JUST HOLD HANDS.
415
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,733
AHH.
416
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,435
OHH.
OHH.
417
00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:39,237
OH, OH, I TASTED A
LITTLE BIT OF THAT. YEAH.
418
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,740
AHH.
419
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,872
YOU TWO ARE CRAZY.
420
00:20:43,873 --> 00:20:45,874
DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER, JIM.
421
00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:48,417
SHE'S RUINING OUR MOMENT.
422
00:20:48,418 --> 00:20:50,549
WHAT CAN I SAY, RUBY?
423
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:54,453
YOU'RE GROWING UP,
BUT YOU'RE NOT YOUR MOTHER YET,
424
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:56,555
SO I FORBID YOU
TO ACT LIKE HER
425
00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:59,929
UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR OWN
GROWN-UP MAN TO MANIPULATE.
426
00:21:01,791 --> 00:21:05,934
YEAH. RUIN HIS LIFE.
STAY THE "H" OUT OF OURS.
427
00:21:05,935 --> 00:21:08,897
HOLD ON A SECOND.
428
00:21:08,898 --> 00:21:12,501
YOU GOTTA MAKE THIS RIGHT.
429
00:21:12,502 --> 00:21:15,774
ANDY, ARE YOU FREE
TOMORROW NIGHT?
430
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,447
IS EVERYTHING OKAY
OVER HERE?
431
00:21:18,448 --> 00:21:21,780
KEEP IT COMIN'
TILL ALL THIS MONEY'S GONE.
432
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:25,584
HEY, WHAT DO WE DO
IF SHE CAN'T COVER THIS?
433
00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:27,756
SNEAK OUT THE BATHROOM.
(laughing)
434
00:21:27,757 --> 00:21:28,957
(laughing)
435
00:21:28,958 --> 00:21:31,059
YOU WANT A PIECE, HONEY?
CAN'T HAVE IT.
436
00:21:31,060 --> 00:21:32,061
(growls)
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