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1
00:00:00,571 --> 00:00:02,072
ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
2
00:00:02,073 --> 00:00:04,074
SPECIAL TREAT
ON THE BREAKFAST MENU...
3
00:00:04,075 --> 00:00:06,036
COLD CEREAL
OF YOUR CHOICE.
4
00:00:06,037 --> 00:00:08,138
I'LL TAKE SWEETIE PUFFS.
ADMIRAL MUNCH.
5
00:00:08,139 --> 00:00:10,110
COCOA BULLETS.
6
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:12,612
COCOA BULLETS. ALL RIGHT,
LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
7
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:17,047
AND RAISIN BRAN IT IS.
8
00:00:17,048 --> 00:00:19,189
ALL RIGHT, ENJOY.
9
00:00:19,190 --> 00:00:21,121
I THINK
THIS MILK EXPIRED ALREADY.
10
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:24,794
NAH, THOSE DATES
ARE JUST A SCAM,
11
00:00:24,795 --> 00:00:27,727
JUST LIKE
KYLE'S COUGH MEDICINE.
12
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,460
I SLEPT FOR THREE DAYS.
13
00:00:30,461 --> 00:00:32,802
YEAH, BUT YOU
DIDN'T COUGH ONCE, DID YA?
14
00:00:32,803 --> 00:00:35,505
NO, YOU SEE,
THESE DATES ON THE MILK CARTONS
15
00:00:35,506 --> 00:00:38,308
ARE CREATED
BY THE DAIRY LOBBY.
16
00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:41,141
THEY WANT TO SCARE MOMMIES
INTO THROWING 'EM OUT.
17
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,343
BUT WE'RE NOT
GONNA FALL FOR THAT, ARE WE?
18
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,044
(children) NO!
19
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,317
WE'RE NOT
GONNA FALL FOR THAT!
20
00:00:47,318 --> 00:00:49,320
ALL RIGHT.
21
00:00:54,325 --> 00:00:56,826
ALL RIGHT, SPECIAL TREAT
ON THE BREAKFAST MENU...
22
00:00:56,827 --> 00:01:00,090
COTTAGE CHEESE!
23
00:01:00,091 --> 00:01:03,094
♪♪♪
24
00:01:12,203 --> 00:01:13,744
HEY, ANDY.
25
00:01:15,606 --> 00:01:17,607
HEY, JIM.
26
00:01:17,608 --> 00:01:19,609
WERE YOU WONDERING
HOW MANY TIMES
27
00:01:19,610 --> 00:01:22,512
I HAD SEX TODAY
WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND?
28
00:01:22,513 --> 00:01:25,785
(makes cranking sound)
29
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,787
ANDY, I AM SITTING HERE
30
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,819
FOLDING
LITTLE CHILDREN'S UNDERPANTS.
31
00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:33,123
OH, JIM, YOU WANT TO TALK
UNDERPANTS, MAN?
32
00:01:33,124 --> 00:01:35,625
I SAW SOME TODAY,
OFF OF SOMEONE WHO WASN'T ME.
33
00:01:35,626 --> 00:01:38,128
WANNA KNOW
HOW MANY TIMES I SAW IT?
34
00:01:38,129 --> 00:01:40,130
CHICK-A, CHICK-A,
COME ON, BABY.
35
00:01:40,131 --> 00:01:41,732
COME ON, BABY. BING!
36
00:01:43,134 --> 00:01:45,104
AND FOR A STALLION
NAMED ANDY,
37
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,606
THAT'S CALLED THE TRIFECTA.
38
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,409
COME ON, ANDY, WITH THE KIND
OF GIRLS YOU GO OUT WITH,
39
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:52,412
IT'S CALLED THE IN-FECTA.
40
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,414
NO, NO, NOT MY GIRL.
41
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:57,747
OH, MAN,
SHE LOVES TO DO IT.
42
00:01:57,748 --> 00:01:59,249
(laughs)
43
00:01:59,250 --> 00:02:01,592
YOU KNOW WHAT "IT" IS,
RIGHT?
44
00:02:02,893 --> 00:02:07,897
YEAH, IT'S THE LAST HALF
OF "VOMIT."
45
00:02:07,898 --> 00:02:09,899
YEAH,
I KNOW WHAT "IT" IS.
46
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,762
"IT" IS WHAT CHERYL AND I
AREN'T DOING
47
00:02:12,763 --> 00:02:15,735
BECAUSE SHE'S IN FLORIDA
TAKING CARE OF YOUR MOTHER,
48
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,438
WHO BROKE HER HIP
DOING "IT" IN THE SHOWER.
49
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,440
WHAT...
NOW THAT IS NOT TRUE.
50
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,912
SHE SLIPPED
AT THE MALL IN ORLANDO.
51
00:02:22,913 --> 00:02:25,716
SHE SLIPPED
OFF HER GARDENER ORLANDO.
52
00:02:27,578 --> 00:02:29,619
(timer beeps)
53
00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:31,551
OH, GOTTA GO.
WHAT'S THAT?
54
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:34,554
A TIMER. LAST THING MILADY SAID
WAS, "GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES."
55
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,856
AT LEAST I THINK
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
56
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:39,230
ENGLISH...
NOT HER STRONG SUIT.
57
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,163
GRACIE AND I ARE DONE
COMPUTER CHATTING WITH MOMMY.
58
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,795
SHE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
59
00:02:45,796 --> 00:02:48,298
OH, REALLY?
OH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
60
00:02:48,299 --> 00:02:50,700
HI, CHERYL.
Hey, honey.
61
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:52,642
I WAS JUST
THINKING ABOUT YOU.
62
00:02:52,643 --> 00:02:53,873
Aw, good things, I hope.
63
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,875
OH, GOOD THINGS,
SOME BAD THINGS,
64
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,477
SOME VERY BAD THINGS.
65
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,710
(laughs)
66
00:03:03,254 --> 00:03:05,315
WHAT DO YOU WANT, A TIP?
67
00:03:05,316 --> 00:03:07,817
COME ON, COME ON.
68
00:03:07,818 --> 00:03:10,590
OH, CHERYL, I AM GOING CRAZY
WITHOUT YOU HERE.
69
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,791
Aw, you miss me?
70
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,724
OH, I MISS SOME PARTS
MORE THAN OTHERS.
71
00:03:14,725 --> 00:03:17,467
Okay, I've got some good news
for you, then.
72
00:03:17,468 --> 00:03:20,470
I talked to Dana,
and she said she'd be willing
73
00:03:20,471 --> 00:03:23,673
to come down to Florida to take
care of Mom so I can come home.
74
00:03:23,674 --> 00:03:27,437
HERE?
WITHIN TOUCHING DISTANCE?
75
00:03:27,438 --> 00:03:28,838
Yes. (laughs)
76
00:03:28,839 --> 00:03:31,841
YOU MEAN A-A HOT NIGHT
OF SEX AND LAUNDRY?
77
00:03:31,842 --> 00:03:34,514
Yes, as long as you're willing
to buy a ticket for Dana,
78
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,516
I can fly home for a night.
79
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:37,817
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
80
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:41,851
IF YOU COME HOME FOR A NIGHT,
I'LL BUY DANA TWO BUS TICKETS.
81
00:03:41,852 --> 00:03:42,992
Jim...
82
00:03:42,993 --> 00:03:45,695
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL FLY HER,
83
00:03:45,696 --> 00:03:47,827
BUT YOU GOTTA BRING
YOUR "A" GAME.
84
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:50,730
All right.
I'm so excited, honey.
85
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,732
I can't wait to see you.
86
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,465
OH, BABY. OH, SAY SOMETHING SEXY
BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
87
00:03:55,466 --> 00:03:57,467
Oh... you know what, honey?
88
00:03:57,468 --> 00:03:59,770
I gotta go.
I gotta go wipe Mom.
89
00:04:04,515 --> 00:04:05,845
SAY IT AGAIN.
90
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:08,479
Good-bye.
91
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,451
(groans)
92
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,523
HEY, JIM.
93
00:04:13,524 --> 00:04:15,525
TIME TO CHECK THE BOARD.
94
00:04:15,526 --> 00:04:17,958
(makes beeping sounds)
95
00:04:19,330 --> 00:04:20,830
OW! AAH!
96
00:04:20,831 --> 00:04:22,992
AAH!
97
00:04:22,993 --> 00:04:24,695
GET OUT!
98
00:04:26,497 --> 00:04:27,667
GET OUTTA HERE!
99
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,700
HA HA HA!
100
00:04:32,643 --> 00:04:36,606
(all talking at once)
101
00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:39,809
IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME.
YEAH.
102
00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:42,512
WOW, WOW, WHAT TIME
IS IT? OKAY, SWEETIE.
103
00:04:42,513 --> 00:04:44,684
OH, MY GOD. IT'S LATE.
IT'S 4:00.
104
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,516
NO.
105
00:04:46,517 --> 00:04:48,558
TIME FOR BED.
106
00:04:48,559 --> 00:04:50,990
BED? MOM, YOU SAID
WE COULD MAKE A CAKE.
107
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,793
OH, I KNOW, SWEETIE,
BUT I AM SO TIRED. (yawns)
108
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,495
OH, OH, OH.
109
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,497
I'M SO TIRED.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
110
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,298
UH, YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND, KIDS,
111
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,800
YOU KNOW,
MOMMY'S BEEN IN FLORIDA.
112
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,802
YEAH. THAT'S, LIKE,
15 HOURS LATER.
113
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:06,506
OH, SO MUCH LATER. AND SHE
NEEDS SLEEP, AND SHE NEEDS IT NOW.
114
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,078
SHE MAY EVEN NEED
TO SLEEP MORE THAN ONCE.
115
00:05:09,079 --> 00:05:12,582
(children) MOMMY! COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON. INTO THE KITCHEN. LET'S GO.
116
00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:14,584
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON,
117
00:05:14,585 --> 00:05:16,686
COME ON, COME ON.
COME ON! (all whining at once)
118
00:05:16,687 --> 00:05:18,718
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GUYS?
GO INTO THE KITCHEN.
119
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,750
I'LL BE RIGHT IN.
(all) YES!
120
00:05:20,751 --> 00:05:23,723
(Ruby) I WANNA DO THE
SPRINKLES. (Gracie) NO. YES, YOU DO.
121
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,425
NICE MOVE, BABY.
122
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:29,028
I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE RISKY
WITH THEM RIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR,
123
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,331
BUT I'M GAME.
124
00:05:34,705 --> 00:05:36,466
COME ON!
125
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:37,767
YEAH, HONEY, UM,
126
00:05:37,768 --> 00:05:40,470
I NEED YOU TO THINK
ABOUT THIS LIKE CHRISTMAS EVE,
127
00:05:40,471 --> 00:05:43,513
AND YOUR PRESENT
IS RIGHT UNDER THE TREE,
128
00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:46,816
AND YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT
A LITTLE BIT LONGER. HUH?
129
00:05:46,817 --> 00:05:49,449
YEAH, BUT THE CREATURE'S
STIRRING, HONEY,
130
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,681
AND IT'S NOT A MOUSE.
131
00:05:51,682 --> 00:05:54,754
I KNOW,
I KNOW, HONEY, BUT...
132
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:58,628
SUGARPLUMS ARE DANCING,
AND THEY'RE NOT IN MY HEAD. YES...
133
00:05:58,629 --> 00:06:01,731
YOU GOT IT? (singsong voice)
MY CHESTNUTS ARE ROASTING.
134
00:06:01,732 --> 00:06:06,796
JIM, THE KIDS REALLY NEED
TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH ME.
135
00:06:06,797 --> 00:06:08,968
FINE.
136
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,672
OKAY. THANK YOU.
137
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:19,079
THIS IS GONNA BE
A BLUE CHRISTMAS.
138
00:06:30,661 --> 00:06:32,462
OKAY,
I PUT THE KIDS TO BED.
139
00:06:32,463 --> 00:06:34,464
I PUT THE HEAT
ON SUPER HIGH
140
00:06:34,465 --> 00:06:36,466
SO THEY'LL FALL ASLEEP
AND STAY ASLEEP.
141
00:06:36,467 --> 00:06:39,168
WOULD YOU STOP TALKING
AND GET OVER HERE?
142
00:06:39,169 --> 00:06:42,401
CHERYL,
THAT MAKES ME FEEL CHEAP...
143
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,903
AND I LIKE IT!
144
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,905
(laughs)
145
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,678
(sniffs) YOU STILL SMELL
LIKE CAKE. I KNOW.
146
00:06:48,679 --> 00:06:50,580
OH, MY GOD,
THIS IS GONNA BE
147
00:06:50,581 --> 00:06:52,882
THE MOST PASSIONATE
90 SECONDS OF OUR LIVES.
148
00:06:52,883 --> 00:06:54,944
MOM? OH, GOOD,
YOU'RE STILL UP.
149
00:06:54,945 --> 00:06:57,987
I TOTALLY FORGOT TO TELL YOU
THIS GREAT STORY.
150
00:06:57,988 --> 00:07:01,120
IT'S ABOUT THIS GIRL WHO'S GOT
THE SAME COAT AS GRACIE.
151
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,022
NO, LET ME TELL THAT STORY.
152
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,855
IT'S ABOUT A GIRL WHO HAS
THE SAME COAT AS GRACIE.
153
00:07:05,856 --> 00:07:07,557
NOW GOOD NIGHT.
154
00:07:07,558 --> 00:07:11,661
IT WAS SO FUNNY.
SHOVE OVER, DADDY.
155
00:07:11,662 --> 00:07:13,633
OKAY,
SO THERE WAS THIS GIRL,
156
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,135
AND SHE ASKED GRACIE
WHERE SHE GOT HER JACKET.
157
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,638
AND GRACIE WAS LIKE,
"UM, I DON'T REMEMBER."
158
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,640
ARE YOU TELLING
THE COAT STORY?
159
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:23,112
'CAUSE THAT IS MY STORY.
160
00:07:23,113 --> 00:07:24,514
YOU TELL IT WRONG.
161
00:07:24,515 --> 00:07:25,645
YOU'RE MISSING
THE GOOD PART.
162
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:28,077
I THINK I'M MISSING
THE GOOD PART HERE.
163
00:07:28,078 --> 00:07:30,079
OKAY, SO WE WERE
ON THE BUS.
164
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,952
DAD, MOVE.
AAH!
165
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,124
ALL RIGHT,
SO WE WERE ON THE BUS,
166
00:07:35,125 --> 00:07:37,026
AND THIS GIRL SITS DOWN.
167
00:07:37,027 --> 00:07:39,058
SO WE'RE LIKE,
"UM, I LIKE YOUR JACKET."
168
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,561
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
THIS... THIS WAS A MONDAY.
169
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,533
NO, NO,
IT WAS A TUESDAY.
170
00:07:43,534 --> 00:07:45,595
NO, IT WAS A MONDAY.
171
00:07:45,596 --> 00:07:48,638
NO, IT WAS A TUESDAY, BECAUSE
THEY SERVED OATMEAL COOKIES,
172
00:07:48,639 --> 00:07:50,900
AND THEY ONLY SERVE THOSE
ON TUESDAYS. SUMMARIZE.
173
00:07:50,901 --> 00:07:53,102
(Ruby and Gracie speaking
at once) SUMMARIZE.
174
00:07:53,103 --> 00:07:55,004
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
175
00:07:55,005 --> 00:07:58,578
NO, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
176
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,610
(laughs) BLAH, BLAH...
(laughs) BLAH, BLAH...
177
00:08:00,611 --> 00:08:02,111
SHE SHOWS UP,
178
00:08:02,112 --> 00:08:04,654
AND WE CAN TELL
THAT SHE PAINTED HER BUTTONS.
179
00:08:04,655 --> 00:08:07,657
SO WE TEASED HER...
UNTIL SHE CRIED.
180
00:08:07,658 --> 00:08:09,959
IT WAS AWESOME!
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE.
181
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,561
OH.
AWESOME STORY!
182
00:08:11,562 --> 00:08:12,962
ISN'T IT?
YEAH.
183
00:08:12,963 --> 00:08:15,895
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN, I GOT
A LITTLE CONFUSED IN SOME PARTS,
184
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:19,028
BUT THEN YOU REPEATED IT
THREE OR FOUR TIMES.
185
00:08:19,029 --> 00:08:20,570
YEAH, YOU KNOW, MY
FAVORITE PART... HUH?
186
00:08:20,571 --> 00:08:22,071
WAS THE END.
187
00:08:22,072 --> 00:08:24,073
OH, THE END WAS GREAT!
(laughs)
188
00:08:24,074 --> 00:08:26,075
UH-HUH, YEAH.
NIGHTY-NIGHT.
189
00:08:26,076 --> 00:08:27,577
GOOD NIGHT NOW, GIRLS.
190
00:08:27,578 --> 00:08:29,078
LOVE YOU.
COME ON.
191
00:08:29,079 --> 00:08:31,240
SLEEP WELL.
192
00:08:31,241 --> 00:08:34,143
I MISS MOMMY.
CAN I SLEEP IN YOUR BED?
193
00:08:34,144 --> 00:08:36,646
US, TOO.
YEAH! SLEEPOVER!
194
00:08:36,647 --> 00:08:37,817
SLEEPOVER!
I CALL MIDDLE!
195
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,620
(children speaking at once)
196
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:43,623
NO, I WANT TO BE
NEXT TO MOM.
197
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,154
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
198
00:08:45,155 --> 00:08:47,557
WOULD YOU TURN DOWN
THE HEAT?
199
00:08:47,558 --> 00:08:50,130
THE HEAT WENT DOWN
45 MINUTES AGO.
200
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,109
(whispering) CHERYL.
201
00:09:00,110 --> 00:09:02,311
THIS IS OUR CHANCE.
202
00:09:02,312 --> 00:09:04,575
I THINK THEY'RE ASLEEP.
203
00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:09,649
(whispering)
I THINK SO, TOO.
204
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,622
WHAT DO YOU GUYS
WANT TO DO?
205
00:09:18,629 --> 00:09:19,929
I MISS MOMMY THE MOST.
206
00:09:19,930 --> 00:09:21,931
NO, I MISS HER THE MOST.
I BARELY GOT TO SEE HER.
207
00:09:21,932 --> 00:09:23,863
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?!
208
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:27,266
YOU GUYS HOGGED HER
THE WHOLE WEEKEND!
209
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,238
SHE'S OUR MOMMY,
NOT YOURS.
210
00:09:29,239 --> 00:09:30,239
I KNEW HER FIRST.
211
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:31,741
NO, YOU DIDN'T!
YES, I DID!
212
00:09:31,742 --> 00:09:34,904
DAD! KYLE! I'M TIRED.
LET'S GO TO BED.
213
00:09:34,905 --> 00:09:38,608
OH, NOW YOU WANNA
GO TO BED!
214
00:09:38,609 --> 00:09:40,249
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
215
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,952
HELLO, NEIGHBOR.
216
00:09:44,014 --> 00:09:47,116
OH, I NEED TO BORROW
A CUP OF CHEWABLE VITAMINS.
217
00:09:47,117 --> 00:09:50,720
SEEMS I'VE DEPLETED
MY NATURAL FLUIDS.
218
00:09:50,721 --> 00:09:52,722
ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
219
00:09:52,723 --> 00:09:55,224
WHAT ARE YOU WALKING AROUND
IN A ROBE FOR?
220
00:09:55,225 --> 00:09:57,727
AH, CLOTHES ARE FOR GUYS
WHO AREN'T GETTING ANY.
221
00:09:57,728 --> 00:10:00,299
AND I SEE
YOU ARE VERY WELL-DRESSED.
222
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,271
ANDY, ANDY,
I'M GOING CRAZY HERE.
223
00:10:02,272 --> 00:10:04,774
I DIDN'T GET ONE MINUTE
ALONE WITH CHERYL.
224
00:10:04,775 --> 00:10:06,976
NOW I'M NOT
GONNA SEE HER FOR WEEKS.
225
00:10:06,977 --> 00:10:09,279
DO SOMETHING
TO GET MY MIND OFF IT.
226
00:10:13,083 --> 00:10:16,285
AW, JEEZ, ANDY!
227
00:10:16,286 --> 00:10:18,248
THAT TAKE YOUR MIND
OFF OF IT?
228
00:10:20,751 --> 00:10:23,252
NOT COMPLETELY.
229
00:10:23,253 --> 00:10:26,326
YOU AND YOUR SISTER
HAVE THE SAME CUP SIZE.
230
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:30,230
THIS SUCKS!
231
00:10:32,102 --> 00:10:33,402
(telephone rings)
232
00:10:33,403 --> 00:10:36,005
(growls)
(ring)
233
00:10:36,006 --> 00:10:37,366
HELLO?
234
00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:40,309
HEY, HONEY, IT'S ME.
THERE'S BAD WEATHER IN ORLANDO.
235
00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:43,342
OH, THAT'S HORRIBLE TO HEAR.
I'M SORRY.
236
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,314
NO, HONEY, IT'S GOOD.
237
00:10:45,315 --> 00:10:47,346
THEY'RE DIVERTING US
BACK TO CHICAGO,
238
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,348
AND I'M GONNA HAVE
A 3-HOUR LAYOVER.
239
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,380
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S A NICE AIRPORT.
240
00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:53,422
WHY DON'T YOU GO
TO LOST AND FOUND
241
00:10:53,423 --> 00:10:56,085
AND PICK UP A BIRTHDAY PRESENT
FOR GRACIE?
242
00:10:56,086 --> 00:10:59,258
OKAY. LET ME SAY
THE IMPORTANT WORD AGAIN...
243
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,360
LAYOVER.
244
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,193
RIGHT. YOU'RE ON LAYOVER.
245
00:11:04,194 --> 00:11:05,895
LAYOVER?!
Right.
246
00:11:05,896 --> 00:11:07,937
NOT A HOLD-YOUR-HANDS-OVER.
247
00:11:07,938 --> 00:11:09,699
NO. (laughs)
248
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,001
OH, BABY! ALL RIGHT,
I'M COMING TO THE AIRPORT.
249
00:11:12,002 --> 00:11:14,303
OKAY, HONEY, GET A HOTEL ROOM,
AND A NICE ONE...
250
00:11:14,304 --> 00:11:16,305
NOT BY THE HOUR.
251
00:11:16,306 --> 00:11:19,809
OR HOW ABOUT THE MINIVAN,
252
00:11:19,810 --> 00:11:23,252
AND HOPE NOBODY'S IN
SHORT-TERM PARKING? JIM.
253
00:11:23,253 --> 00:11:24,754
ALL RIGHT. FINE, FINE.
254
00:11:24,755 --> 00:11:27,186
I'LL BE THERE IN A LITTLE BIT.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
255
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:31,220
ANDY, ANDY, YOU HAVE GOT TO
STAY HERE AND WATCH THE KIDS,
256
00:11:31,221 --> 00:11:33,723
BECAUSE I'M GONNA GO
AND MAKE LOVE ON YOUR SISTER.
257
00:11:33,724 --> 00:11:35,194
JIM, JIM, JIM, JIM.
258
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,197
I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN IN THE SADDLE,
259
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:41,270
UM, SO IF YOU NEED
A LITTLE EXTRA STAYING POWER,
260
00:11:41,271 --> 00:11:42,773
MAYBE THAT'LL HELP.
261
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:49,179
ANDY, YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.
262
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,213
THERE'S ICE
IN THE FREEZER FOR THAT.
263
00:12:04,855 --> 00:12:06,155
HERE'S YOUR BOARDING PASS.
264
00:12:06,156 --> 00:12:08,858
YOU'RE GONNA GO THROUGH SECURITY
AROUND THE CORNER,
265
00:12:08,859 --> 00:12:11,160
AND THERE'S THE CAPTAIN'S CLUB.
HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.
266
00:12:11,161 --> 00:12:12,862
NEXT.
267
00:12:12,863 --> 00:12:14,163
SIR, YOUR BABY.
268
00:12:14,164 --> 00:12:16,305
NEXT.
269
00:12:16,306 --> 00:12:18,307
UH, EXCUSE ME.
270
00:12:18,308 --> 00:12:20,269
UM, CAN YOU TELL ME
271
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:22,311
WHEN FLIGHT 38 FROM ORLANDO
IS GOING TO ARRIVE?
272
00:12:22,312 --> 00:12:25,014
OH, I'D BE HAPPY
TO HELP YOU WITH THAT.
273
00:12:25,015 --> 00:12:28,017
AH, YES. IT'S DELAYED.
SEE HOW IT SAYS THAT HERE,
274
00:12:28,018 --> 00:12:31,150
TO YOUR LEFT
AND RIGHT BEHIND YOU?
275
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,852
CRAP. DELAYED? HOW LONG?
276
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,154
OH, I CAN BE OF SERVICE
TO YOU AGAIN
277
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,156
BY CHECKING
THE SCREENS HERE,
278
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:40,189
TO YOUR LEFT
AND RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
279
00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:42,361
I JUST SHELLED OUT
FOR A HOTEL ROOM.
280
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,333
NOW WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?
281
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:47,136
IF YOU'D LIKE SOME PAMPHLETS ON
WHAT TO DO IN THE CHICAGO AREA,
282
00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:49,138
THERE ARE
INFORMATION KIOSKS LOCATED
283
00:12:49,139 --> 00:12:52,401
AT BOTH ENDS OF THE TERMINAL
AND RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
284
00:12:52,402 --> 00:12:55,845
LOOK, I AM JUST TRYING TO FIND
SOME ALONE TIME WITH MY WIFE.
285
00:12:55,846 --> 00:12:59,278
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE ONLY GOT
AN HOUR TO MAKE "IT" HAPPEN.
286
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:03,112
OH, YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW WHERE
TO HAVE SEX IN THE AIRPORT.
287
00:13:03,113 --> 00:13:06,115
I'D BE HAPPY
TO HELP YOU WITH THAT.
288
00:13:06,116 --> 00:13:08,888
DO YOU OR YOUR WIFE
HAVE ANY DISABILITIES?
289
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,990
NO.
290
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,292
ARE EITHER OF YOU MEMBERS
OF THE ARMED SERVICES,
291
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,565
THE AUTO CLUB, OR TRAVELING
WITH A SMALL CHILD?
292
00:13:16,566 --> 00:13:18,397
NO, NO, I JUST...
293
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,299
IN THE EVENT
OF A WATER LANDING,
294
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,232
WOULD YOU NEED SPECIAL
ASSISTANCE? WATER LANDING?
295
00:13:23,233 --> 00:13:24,834
YES.
296
00:13:24,835 --> 00:13:27,206
(lowers voice)
IS THAT DIRTY?
297
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,039
OH, YES.
298
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,912
NO.
299
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,813
NO.
300
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,386
ALL RIGHT, MAY I RECOMMEND
THE NORTHWEST CORNER
301
00:13:37,387 --> 00:13:40,189
OF OUR CAPTAIN'S CLUB?
IT FEATURES A LEATHER SOFA,
302
00:13:40,190 --> 00:13:42,892
A DECENT VIEW OF THE BIG SCREEN
AND FREE DRINKS.
303
00:13:42,893 --> 00:13:44,153
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
304
00:13:44,154 --> 00:13:47,196
UH, CAN I GET A GAME
ON THE BIG SCREEN?
305
00:13:47,197 --> 00:13:49,198
(typing on keyboard)
306
00:13:49,199 --> 00:13:51,330
DONE.
307
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,033
FANTASTIC. YOU'VE BEEN
A REAL HELP. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
308
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,335
WELL, OF COURSE,
NOW ONLY TICKETED PASSENGERS
309
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,167
CAN GO THROUGH SECURITY.
310
00:13:58,168 --> 00:14:01,170
OH, GREAT.
I GOT A HOTEL ROOM I CAN'T USE,
311
00:14:01,171 --> 00:14:03,242
NOW I'M GONNA BUY A
TICKET THAT I CAN'T USE. MM.
312
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,244
ALL RIGHT, WHEN'S
THE NEXT AVAILABLE FLIGHT?
313
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:08,147
I'D BE HAPPY TO HELP YOU
WITH THAT TODAY, SIR,
314
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:10,950
BY CHECKING THE SCREENS HERE,
TO YOUR LEFT AND...
315
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,952
RIGHT BEHIND ME.
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
316
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,624
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME
A TICKET TO, UH, CINCINNATI.
317
00:14:15,625 --> 00:14:17,256
OKAY.
318
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:20,159
HOW DO YOU SPELL
CINCINNATI?
319
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,192
WELL, I CAN HELP YOU
WITH THAT...
320
00:14:23,593 --> 00:14:25,594
IF YOU LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT,
321
00:14:25,595 --> 00:14:28,168
TO YOUR LEFT
AND RIGHT BEHIND ME.
322
00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:32,241
UH, CHERYL, CHERYL,
I SAW ON THE MONITOR
323
00:14:32,242 --> 00:14:34,303
THAT YOUR FLIGHT
HAS LANDED.
324
00:14:34,304 --> 00:14:37,006
SO LOOK, WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE
THAT MUCH TIME,
325
00:14:37,007 --> 00:14:39,008
SO WHEN YOU GET THIS MESSAGE,
326
00:14:39,009 --> 00:14:41,010
MEET ME IN THE CAPTAIN'S CLUB,
ALL RIGHT?
327
00:14:41,011 --> 00:14:43,012
AND, UH,
DON'T BE SURPRISED
328
00:14:43,013 --> 00:14:46,015
IF I BRING IN
A WATER LANDING.
329
00:14:46,016 --> 00:14:49,019
(Latin music playing)
330
00:15:17,047 --> 00:15:20,919
HEY, I SEE YOU'RE INTO
THE SAME STUFF I AM.
331
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,223
HARD TO RESIST, HUH?
332
00:15:38,568 --> 00:15:41,040
DANG. I'M OUT OF PAPER.
333
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,512
HEY, BUDDY,
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE?
334
00:15:43,513 --> 00:15:46,216
I'M HAVING TROUBLE
FINISHING.
335
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:51,180
COME ON. GIVE ME A HAND,
WILL YA?
336
00:15:51,181 --> 00:15:54,353
COME ON.
DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING.
337
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,057
COME ON.
I'D DO THE SAME FOR YOU.
338
00:16:03,193 --> 00:16:05,694
HELLO, OFFICER.
339
00:16:05,695 --> 00:16:09,038
WAS I SPEEDING?
340
00:16:09,039 --> 00:16:13,002
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
FOR LEWD CONDUCT.
341
00:16:13,003 --> 00:16:16,346
WHAT, YOU WANT ME
TO DO A COURTESY FLUSH?
342
00:16:21,151 --> 00:16:24,353
SIR, JUST STEP OUT
OF THE STALL.
343
00:16:24,354 --> 00:16:27,057
WELL, I'M STILL
GONNA NEED THAT PAPER.
344
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,404
ALL RIGHT, PALLY,
ASSUME THE POSITION.
345
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,176
YOU GOT ANY DRUGS
OR WEAPONS ON YOU?
346
00:16:47,177 --> 00:16:49,178
NO. HAVE YOU BEEN
DRINKING TODAY?
347
00:16:49,179 --> 00:16:50,379
NO.
348
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:52,341
ARE YOU A MEMBER
OF THE AUTO CLUB?
349
00:16:52,342 --> 00:16:54,113
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH ANYTHING?
350
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:57,116
WELL, YOU GET 10% OFF
ANY MISDEMEANORS OR CITATIONS,
351
00:16:57,117 --> 00:17:01,050
AND THE FINE FOR SOLICITING WOULD
HAVE TO BE... WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
352
00:17:01,051 --> 00:17:03,592
YOU THINK I'M TRYING
TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU?
353
00:17:03,593 --> 00:17:06,325
LOOK, WHEN I WANT
TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU,
354
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,327
BELIEVE ME,
YOU'RE GONNA KNOW IT.
355
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,329
YOU TAPPED YOUR FOOT, SIR.
356
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:13,031
THAT'S A NOTORIOUS SIGNAL
FOR BATHROOM SEX.
357
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,134
THEN YOUR FOOT GRAZED MINE.
LOOK, I AM NOT GAY. I AM A MARRIED MAN.
358
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,136
AND I'M
AN AVID RACQUETBALL PLAYER,
359
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,638
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I NEVER GO SWIMMING.
360
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,071
I'M NOT FOLLOWING YOU.
361
00:17:22,072 --> 00:17:24,513
SWIMMING IS GAY.
362
00:17:24,514 --> 00:17:27,076
OH, MY GOD.
SWIMMING IS GAY?
363
00:17:27,077 --> 00:17:28,647
WHO KNOWS?
YOU'RE THE EXPERT.
364
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:32,481
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU GOT ME
ALL WRONG HERE, MAN. COME ON.
365
00:17:32,482 --> 00:17:34,783
OH, SO YOU'RE NOT PLANNING ON
HAVING SEX IN THE AIRPORT TODAY?
366
00:17:34,784 --> 00:17:37,086
WELL, YES, I WAS,
367
00:17:37,087 --> 00:17:38,627
BUT... BUT NOT WITH YOU,
368
00:17:38,628 --> 00:17:40,759
WITH... WITH A HOT BLONDE,
MY WIFE.
369
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,462
YOU KNOW, SIR,
THAT'S STILL A CRIME.
370
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:45,464
OH, N-NOTHING FUNKY,
YOU KNOW,
371
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,837
JUST NORMAL, REGULAR...
NO WATER LANDING.
372
00:17:49,139 --> 00:17:51,140
(cell phone rings)
373
00:17:51,141 --> 00:17:54,773
COME ON, MAN. YOU GOTTA GIVE ME
A BREAK HERE. HELLO?
374
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,505
WHERE WERE YOU?
375
00:17:56,506 --> 00:17:59,348
I WENT TO THE CAPTAIN'S CLUB
AND LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
376
00:17:59,349 --> 00:18:01,810
OH, HAVING A PROBLEM
IN THE BATHROOM.
377
00:18:01,811 --> 00:18:05,584
OH, JIM, JUST THROW OUT YOUR
UNDERWEAR LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.
378
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,756
CHERYL...
379
00:18:07,757 --> 00:18:10,119
CHERYL, WHERE...
WHERE ARE YOU?
380
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,861
I'M ON THE PLANE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO MISS MY FLIGHT.
381
00:18:12,862 --> 00:18:14,823
WE'RE TAKING OFF IN TEN
MINUTES. NO, CHERYL, CHERYL...
382
00:18:14,824 --> 00:18:18,267
OH, SWEETHEART, I'LL CALL YOU
FROM FLORIDA. I LOVE YOU.
383
00:18:18,268 --> 00:18:21,670
CHERYL, CHERYL, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT! STALL, STALL!
384
00:18:21,671 --> 00:18:23,172
(groans)
385
00:18:23,173 --> 00:18:25,174
HEY, LISTEN, MAN,
YOU HAVE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.
386
00:18:25,175 --> 00:18:27,776
I HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE
IN OVER TWO MONTHS.
387
00:18:27,777 --> 00:18:29,778
SHE'S BEEN DOWN IN FLORIDA
WATCHING HER MOM
388
00:18:29,779 --> 00:18:31,840
WHO HAD A BROKEN HIP.
I'M WATCHING THE KIDS,
389
00:18:31,841 --> 00:18:34,443
AND MY BROTHER-IN-LAW'S
GETTING IT MORE THAN ME.
390
00:18:34,444 --> 00:18:36,445
AND IF I DON'T SEE HER SOON,
391
00:18:36,446 --> 00:18:38,847
I MIGHT NOT SEE HER
IN ANOTHER FEW WEEKS.
392
00:18:38,848 --> 00:18:41,820
SO WITH ALL THAT PRESSURE,
YOU FIGURED,
393
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,722
WHY NOT GO
TO THE AIRPORT BATHROOM
394
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:46,325
AND BLOW OFF
A LITTLE STEAM?
395
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:47,826
LOOK AT ME.
396
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,899
IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT ME
THAT IS EVEN REMOTELY GAY?
397
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:53,903
WELL, I'M NOT A FAN
OF THAT JACKET.
398
00:18:56,206 --> 00:18:58,237
MY WIFE BOUGHT IT FOR ME.
399
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,869
I TOLD HER
NOT TO GET THIS COAT.
400
00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:04,573
ALL RIGHT.
GIVE ME AN HONEST ANSWER.
401
00:19:04,574 --> 00:19:07,777
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW A GROWN MAN NAKED?
402
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:14,283
TWO HOURS AGO,
403
00:19:14,284 --> 00:19:16,725
BUT IT WAS
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
404
00:19:16,726 --> 00:19:18,727
HE WAS DOING ME A FAVOR.
405
00:19:18,728 --> 00:19:21,730
(woman) ALL PASSENGERS
FOR FLIGHT 38 TO ORLANDO,
406
00:19:21,731 --> 00:19:23,432
FINAL BOARDING CALL.
407
00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:25,434
OKAY, THERE'S STILL TIME,
THERE'S STILL TIME.
408
00:19:25,435 --> 00:19:27,736
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON.
409
00:19:27,737 --> 00:19:30,599
WHAT CAN I DO
TO HURRY THIS THING ALONG?
410
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,742
YOU ADMIT TO SOLICITING SEX
FROM A MAN IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM.
411
00:19:33,743 --> 00:19:36,576
GUILTY AS CHARGED.
412
00:19:42,552 --> 00:19:45,855
AND, UH, THAT'S MY PHONE NUMBER.
I'M NOT ALWAYS WORKING.
413
00:19:57,227 --> 00:19:58,727
CHERYL.
414
00:19:58,728 --> 00:20:00,229
JIM?
415
00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:03,732
YOUR IN-FLIGHT SNACK
HAS ARRIVED.
416
00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:05,504
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
417
00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:07,876
WELL, I BOUGHT A PLANE TICKET,
A COUPLE HUNDRED BUCKS.
418
00:20:07,877 --> 00:20:10,579
BUT WHEN I GET TO FLORIDA,
I GOTTA TURN AROUND
419
00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:13,682
AND COME BACK AND GO TO CHICAGO
FOR A COURT DATE.
420
00:20:13,683 --> 00:20:16,815
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'D GO TO ALL THIS TROUBLE
421
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,817
JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
422
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:22,751
CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S MORE THAN THE SEX.
423
00:20:22,752 --> 00:20:25,654
I MEAN, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO STARE INTO YOUR EYES
424
00:20:25,655 --> 00:20:27,496
OR TOUCH YOUR HAIR
425
00:20:27,497 --> 00:20:29,998
OR HOLD YOUR HAND
AND JUST SAY NOTHING.
426
00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:31,700
OH.
427
00:20:31,701 --> 00:20:34,002
I MISS YOU, TOO.
428
00:20:34,003 --> 00:20:35,964
YOU KNOW WHAT?
429
00:20:35,965 --> 00:20:37,666
WHAT?
430
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:40,839
I BELIEVE OUR MEMBERSHIP TO
THE MILE-HIGH CLUB HAS EXPIRED.
431
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,671
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RE-UP?
432
00:20:42,672 --> 00:20:44,773
IS THERE
A MEMBERSHIP FEE?
433
00:20:44,774 --> 00:20:47,646
SO FAR, 3,600 BUCKS.
434
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,678
BUT, BABY,
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
435
00:20:49,679 --> 00:20:53,352
AW, COME HERE. MM.
436
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,724
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
437
00:20:55,725 --> 00:20:58,026
100 BUCKS,
AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE SEAT.
438
00:20:58,027 --> 00:21:01,360
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GIVE YOU 100 BUCKS. MOVE.
439
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:03,363
(giggles)
29859
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