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1
00:00:01,232 --> 00:00:03,002
TWO YEARS AGO
ON "ACCORDING TO JIM"...
2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,235
YOU AND OLD BLUE HAD SOME GOOD
TIMES TOGETHER. HEY, YOU WANT HER?
3
00:00:05,236 --> 00:00:08,078
OKAY, SURE. THANKS.
200 BUCKS?
4
00:00:08,079 --> 00:00:11,010
YEAH, SURE. I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD SELL THE GRILL TO ANDY.
5
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,043
I THINK YOU SHOULD
GIVE IT TO HIM.
6
00:00:13,044 --> 00:00:16,046
YOU GAVE ME THAT GRILL,
AND YOU CAN GET IT BACK
7
00:00:16,047 --> 00:00:19,189
WHEN YOU PRY THE BARBECUE TONGS
FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS.
8
00:00:19,190 --> 00:00:21,021
NOT IF I GET TO IT FIRST.
9
00:00:22,753 --> 00:00:26,556
(tires squealing)
10
00:00:26,557 --> 00:00:29,099
I'M TAKING MY GRILL BACK.
BE MY GUEST.
11
00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:31,532
NEITHER I NOR THE COUNTESS
WILL STOP YOU.
12
00:00:33,804 --> 00:00:36,766
BUT THE CHAIN MIGHT.
(laughs)
13
00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:41,811
THE GRILL IS MINE!
MINE! ALL MINE!
14
00:00:41,812 --> 00:00:44,174
I THINK MAYBE
YOU SHOULD HAVE THE GRILL
15
00:00:44,175 --> 00:00:45,675
FOR...
16
00:00:45,676 --> 00:00:48,478
NOT... ANYTHING.
17
00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:50,320
WHAT?
18
00:00:50,321 --> 00:00:53,323
FREE! FOR FREE.
HEY, THANKS, MAN.
19
00:00:53,324 --> 00:00:56,327
♪♪♪
20
00:01:06,597 --> 00:01:08,838
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
21
00:01:08,839 --> 00:01:13,173
I'M LOOKING FOR, UH...
22
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:15,505
I WAS LOOKING
FOR SOME, UH, DOILIES.
23
00:01:15,506 --> 00:01:16,746
OH.
24
00:01:16,747 --> 00:01:18,808
AND I FOUND 'EM.
THEY'RE RIGHT HERE.
25
00:01:18,809 --> 00:01:21,511
GREAT. YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE
ALSO LOOKING FOR MATCHES,
26
00:01:21,512 --> 00:01:23,353
I THREW THEM
ALL OUT YESTERDAY.
27
00:01:23,354 --> 00:01:25,385
CHERYL,
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
28
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:27,387
BECAUSE THE GIRLS AND I
ARE GOING TO VISIT MY MOM,
29
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,759
WHICH LEAVES YOU HERE WITH
ANDY AND KYLE ALL BY YOURSELF.
30
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,122
IT'S THE SAME REASON
I HID THE KNIVES,
31
00:01:32,123 --> 00:01:33,563
SENT A WARNING LETTER
TO THE NEIGHBORS
32
00:01:33,564 --> 00:01:35,565
AND BLOCKED
THE ADULT CHANNELS ON THE TV.
33
00:01:35,566 --> 00:01:40,400
CHERYL, I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
"THE 'L' WORD" STANDS FOR LOVE.
34
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:42,832
UH-HUH.
CHERYL.
35
00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:44,834
JIM, EVERY TIME I GO AWAY,
36
00:01:44,835 --> 00:01:46,836
YOU AND ANDY
ACT LIKE A COUPLE OF IDIOTS.
37
00:01:46,837 --> 00:01:48,508
OH, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
OH, REALLY?
38
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,240
WHAT ABOUT
MY TRIP TO CLEVELAND?
39
00:01:50,241 --> 00:01:53,713
(sighs) LOOK, IF WE WOULD HAVE
KNOWN THAT ANIMAL WAS ALIVE,
40
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,346
WE WOULD HAVE NEVER
PUT HIM IN THE MICROWAVE.
41
00:01:56,347 --> 00:02:00,620
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST
GET YOU GUYS A SITTER. CHERYL!
42
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,522
YOU PROMISED ME
ONCE I TURNED 50,
43
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,424
I DIDN'T NEED
A SITTER ANYMORE.
44
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:07,257
NOW ANDY AND I
ARE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.
45
00:02:07,258 --> 00:02:09,229
KYLE IS LUCKY TO SEE
46
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,902
SUCH A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN TWO MEN.
47
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,706
YOU ALWAYS
MAKE THINGS DIRTY.
48
00:02:16,707 --> 00:02:20,440
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME
49
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:23,673
WHY THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT
WAS LOOKING FOR MATCHES?
50
00:02:23,674 --> 00:02:27,917
I WAS GONNA LIGHT A CANDLE,
51
00:02:27,918 --> 00:02:32,453
PUT IT IN THE WINDOW
UNTIL YOUR SAFE RETURN.
52
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,188
DADDY, ARE THESE
ENOUGH BOTTLE ROCKETS?
53
00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:42,762
AFTERNOON.
54
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,235
ALL RIGHT, CHERYL,
CAB'S HERE.
55
00:02:45,236 --> 00:02:47,237
COME ON, HURRY UP.
LET'S GO. WAVE GOOD-BYE.
56
00:02:47,238 --> 00:02:49,739
OH, OH, OH, HONEY, COME ON,
WALK US OUT. WE'RE GOING.
57
00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:51,741
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LET HIM SIT, CHERYL.
58
00:02:51,742 --> 00:02:53,603
WE'RE TWO INDEPENDENT GALS,
59
00:02:53,604 --> 00:02:57,277
AND JIM WORKS REALLY HARD
TO PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD.
60
00:02:57,278 --> 00:03:00,350
WHAT THE HELL?
NO, NO, NO.
61
00:03:00,351 --> 00:03:02,382
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
SHE'S ACTUALLY MAKING SENSE.
62
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,854
NO, HONEY, I'M GONNA
BE GONE FOR A WHILE,
63
00:03:04,855 --> 00:03:07,317
AND I WANT YOU TO WALK ME OUT.
ALL RIGHT.
64
00:03:07,318 --> 00:03:09,819
CHERYL, COME ON. LOOK,
ANDY'S HAVING A GARAGE SALE,
65
00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:12,322
AND YOU KNOW HOW JIM IS
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
66
00:03:12,323 --> 00:03:14,665
WHAT DO I CARE THAT HE'S
HAVING A GARAGE SALE?
67
00:03:16,727 --> 00:03:19,799
ANDY'S SELLING
THE G-R-I-L-L.
68
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,902
(whispers) GO, GO, GO.
COME ON, COME ON.
69
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:26,436
HE'S SELLING A GIRL?
70
00:03:26,437 --> 00:03:28,207
(mouths words)
71
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,380
GRILL!
72
00:03:30,381 --> 00:03:32,513
HE'S SELLING MY GRILL?!
73
00:03:34,885 --> 00:03:37,917
WOW, I-I REALLY
DIDN'T THINK HE'D GET THAT.
74
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,619
YEAH.
75
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,452
ANDY, ANDY, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING? WHAT?
76
00:03:42,453 --> 00:03:43,753
YOU CAN'T SELL MY GRILL.
77
00:03:43,754 --> 00:03:45,795
I'M NOT.
I'M... I'M SELLING MY GRILL.
78
00:03:45,796 --> 00:03:47,657
OH, NO, I GAVE YOU THAT GRILL.
79
00:03:47,658 --> 00:03:48,898
WELL, YEAH,
WHICH MAKES IT MINE.
80
00:03:48,899 --> 00:03:51,601
IF I WOULDA SOLD IT TO YOU,
IT WOULD MAKE IT YOURS.
81
00:03:51,602 --> 00:03:53,603
JIM, PLEASE DON'T START
THIS GRILL NONSENSE AGAIN.
82
00:03:53,604 --> 00:03:55,605
UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH.
I GAVE YOU THAT GRILL.
83
00:03:55,606 --> 00:03:57,467
IF YOU'RE NOT
GONNA USE IT ANYMORE,
84
00:03:57,468 --> 00:03:59,309
THEN LEGALLY
IT REVERTS BACK TO ME.
85
00:03:59,310 --> 00:04:01,771
THAT'S CRAZY.
IT IS NOT CRAZY.
86
00:04:01,772 --> 00:04:04,744
THIS IS THE WAY SOCIETY'S
BEEN WORKING FOR CENTURIES.
87
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,316
CHECK YOUR MAGNA CARTA.
88
00:04:06,317 --> 00:04:08,578
I-I DON'T HAVE
A MAGNA CARTA.
89
00:04:08,579 --> 00:04:10,820
OH, DID SOMEBODY GIVE IT TO YOU,
AND YOU SOLD THAT, TOO?
90
00:04:10,821 --> 00:04:13,283
I'M TAKING MY GRILL.
NO, NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT.
91
00:04:13,284 --> 00:04:15,325
WATCH ME. (grunts)
92
00:04:15,326 --> 00:04:16,786
OH, OH, STOP,
JUST STOP.
93
00:04:16,787 --> 00:04:18,588
BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL
ON THIS GRILL!
94
00:04:18,589 --> 00:04:21,531
5 BUCKS TO ANYONE
BUT JIM! NO, IT'S MINE.
95
00:04:21,532 --> 00:04:24,394
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU GUYS? I HAVE TO GO.
96
00:04:24,395 --> 00:04:26,396
PLEASE DON'T
TURN THIS INTO A WAR.
97
00:04:26,397 --> 00:04:28,698
WELL, TALK TO YOUR BROTHER HERE.
HE'S THE ONE BEING UNREASONABLE.
98
00:04:28,699 --> 00:04:31,371
I'LL THROW IN
A FREE KLINGON BURIAL SHROUD
99
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:33,503
IF YOU BUY IT.
IMPRESS THE LADIES!
100
00:04:33,504 --> 00:04:35,274
IT'S MINE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
101
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,646
THAT'S IT.
I'M CANCELING MY TRIP.
102
00:04:36,647 --> 00:04:38,448
WELL, WAIT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
103
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:40,009
BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS
YOU TWO MONKEYS
104
00:04:40,010 --> 00:04:42,011
ARE GONNA DECLARE WAR
ON EACH OTHER.
105
00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:44,283
MONKEYS?
HOW DARE YOU?
106
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:47,557
CHERYL, WE ARE HAVING A
GENTLEMEN'S DISAGREEMENT. INDEED.
107
00:04:47,558 --> 00:04:50,890
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CANCEL YOUR TRIP.
108
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:53,493
I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA BE
A RESPONSIBLE ADULT,
109
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:56,466
AND THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
110
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:58,568
YOU PROMISE?
111
00:04:58,569 --> 00:05:00,870
I PROMISE...
112
00:05:00,871 --> 00:05:02,702
THAT WHILE YOU ARE AWAY,
113
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:06,005
I WILL BE A MODEL CITIZEN.
114
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,307
"STOLEN GOODS"?
115
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,610
WHY WOULD I BE SELLING
STOLEN GOODS?
116
00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:13,683
WE RECEIVED A TIP FROM
ONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS. WHO?
117
00:05:13,684 --> 00:05:17,617
HE WOULD ONLY REFER TO HIMSELF
AS A "MODEL CITIZEN."
118
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,589
EXCUSE ME, OFFICER.
IS THERE ANY TROUBLE HERE?
119
00:05:19,590 --> 00:05:22,051
POSSIBLE DISTRIBUTION
OF STOLEN GOODS.
120
00:05:22,052 --> 00:05:25,795
STOLEN GOODS? EGADS!
121
00:05:25,796 --> 00:05:27,697
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
122
00:05:27,698 --> 00:05:29,659
OFFICER, I THINK...
I THINK THAT MAY BE MY GRILL.
123
00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:31,761
NO, IT IS NOT.
124
00:05:31,762 --> 00:05:34,764
YEP. YEAH, THIS IS MY GRILL,
OFFICER.
125
00:05:34,765 --> 00:05:36,065
DO YOU HAVE ANY PROOF?
126
00:05:36,066 --> 00:05:37,937
PROOF, NO.
127
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,639
(laughs)
128
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,942
WELL, EXCEPT FOR THIS...
THIS 9-YEAR-OLD RECEIPT
129
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,975
THAT CLEARLY STATES
THAT I BOUGHT THIS MYSELF
130
00:05:45,976 --> 00:05:47,947
AT THE LOCAL
BARBECUE EMPORIUM.
131
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:50,850
OFFICER, OFFICER, HE GAVE ME
THIS GRILL TWO YEARS AGO.
132
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,652
DID YOU?
133
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:55,855
I'D SOONER PART
WITH MY OWN SON.
134
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,628
HANDS BEHIND
YOUR BACK, SIR.
135
00:05:58,629 --> 00:06:00,861
(laughs) YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
136
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:06,737
(mouthing words)
137
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,370
THIS IS NOT OVER!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
138
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,703
I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M...
(mouths words)
139
00:06:13,704 --> 00:06:16,947
I'M SORRY, SIR.
I CAN'T QUITE HEAR YOU.
140
00:06:18,649 --> 00:06:21,582
OH, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
MY GRILL TO MY HOUSE?
141
00:06:22,913 --> 00:06:24,885
THANK YOU, SIR.
142
00:06:44,975 --> 00:06:47,977
UGH, ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA STRETCH MY LEGS.
143
00:06:47,978 --> 00:06:50,180
THIS STAKEOUT
IS HARD WORK.
144
00:06:52,543 --> 00:06:54,814
THERE YOU GO, MY SON.
145
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:57,587
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE A LUCKY BOY.
146
00:06:57,588 --> 00:07:00,450
YOU GET TO SPEND THE WEEKEND
WITH YOUR POPS,
147
00:07:00,451 --> 00:07:05,424
YOU LEARN ABOUT FEUDS, AND YOU
GET TO SEE A FAT MAN TASERED.
148
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,927
(rumbling noise)
149
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,560
HE'S HERE. COME ON.
150
00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,532
WAIT.
151
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,433
THIS COULD BE A TRICK.
152
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,537
I'M GONNA GO AND CHECK OUT
THE NOISE. YOU GUARD THE GRILL.
153
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:21,010
HERE. STAND HERE. HIDE.
154
00:07:21,011 --> 00:07:23,843
IF UNCLE ANDY COMES OUT,
YOU ZAP HIM.
155
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,845
SHOULD I TURN IT UP
TO TEN?
156
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,848
THAT'S MY BOY.
157
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:32,553
(whispers) WATCH. WATCH.
158
00:07:42,132 --> 00:07:43,593
KYLE, GIVE ME THE TASER.
(buzz)
159
00:07:43,594 --> 00:07:45,765
YIKES!
160
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:48,838
(groans)
161
00:07:48,839 --> 00:07:52,542
OH. OH.
162
00:07:52,543 --> 00:07:55,144
GIMME THAT!
GIMME THAT!
163
00:07:55,145 --> 00:07:59,509
(lowered voice)
WATCH THE GRILL.
164
00:07:59,510 --> 00:08:02,752
(normal voice) FREEZE!
165
00:08:02,753 --> 00:08:05,885
OR WHAT?
OR I'LL TASER YOU...
166
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:09,158
WHEN IT RECHARGES.
167
00:08:09,159 --> 00:08:12,021
TAKES ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
168
00:08:12,022 --> 00:08:14,023
OH, I'LL BE
LONG GONE BY THEN.
169
00:08:14,024 --> 00:08:16,666
YOU SEE, JIM, I WAS ABLE
TO DO SOME THINKING
170
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,668
WHEN I WAS SITTING
IN THE COUNTY LOCKUP.
171
00:08:18,669 --> 00:08:20,670
OH, YEAH, I BET YOU WERE DOING
A LITTLE CRYING, TOO, HUH?
172
00:08:20,671 --> 00:08:22,501
BOO-HOO.
BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO.
173
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:26,536
OH, YES. SOON, JAMES, THE TEARS
WILL BE ON THE OTHER CHEEK.
174
00:08:26,537 --> 00:08:28,507
HA HA HA.
YOU SEE, I REMEMBER
175
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,509
WHEN WE WERE
REDOING YOUR KITCHEN
176
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:34,183
THAT I GAVE YOU THIS SMALL
BUT CRUCIAL LENGTH OF PIPE.
177
00:08:34,184 --> 00:08:36,215
OH, YOU WERE IN JAIL
THINKING ABOUT PIPE, WERE YOU?
178
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,187
ONLY THAT I WANTED IT,
179
00:08:38,188 --> 00:08:41,520
AND NOW I'M GONNA TAKE IT.
180
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,522
(grunts)
TAKE MY PIPE?
181
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,194
YOU CAN'T TAKE MY
PIPE OUTTA MY WALL. AAH!
182
00:08:45,195 --> 00:08:48,127
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY
WALL? OH, YES, I CAN, JIM. IT'S MINE.
183
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:52,131
THAT MEANS I CAN TAKE IT BACK
WHENEVER I WANT.
184
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,633
AH, LET GO OF THAT PIPE!
185
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,065
AH!
186
00:08:59,069 --> 00:09:01,170
(laughs)
187
00:09:01,171 --> 00:09:04,173
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU GOT THE WRONG PIPE THERE.
188
00:09:04,174 --> 00:09:06,276
OHH!
189
00:09:13,824 --> 00:09:16,726
LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S JUST WATER.
190
00:09:16,727 --> 00:09:18,659
YEAH, JUST WATER.
191
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,761
CARE FOR A BEER?
192
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:25,164
DON'T MIND IF I DO.
193
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,266
NOPE, I'M KEEPING MY GRILL.
194
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,599
YOU KEEP THE PIPE.
195
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,171
YOU THINK
THIS BOTHERS ME AT ALL?
196
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,875
YES. YES, I DO.
197
00:09:36,947 --> 00:09:39,208
DAMN IT, ANDY,
GIMME THAT PIPE!
198
00:09:39,209 --> 00:09:41,210
I'LL GIVE YOU
SOME, UH, PAPER TOWELS.
199
00:09:41,211 --> 00:09:42,712
THAT MIGHT HELP.
200
00:09:42,713 --> 00:09:45,114
GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!
201
00:09:45,115 --> 00:09:46,986
ADIOS, CHIEF.
202
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,718
GIMME THAT PIPE!
203
00:09:48,719 --> 00:09:51,761
HEY, KYLE! KYLE!
204
00:09:51,762 --> 00:09:54,263
DADDY, CAN I HAVE
A SNACK?
205
00:09:54,264 --> 00:09:59,770
NO! GET SOME TOWELS!
TOWELS!
206
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,383
ANDY!
207
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:19,920
THE VALVE...
THE MAIN WATER VALVE.
208
00:10:25,395 --> 00:10:27,126
THE VALVE.
209
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,259
WHERE'S THE SHUT-OFF VALVE?
210
00:10:32,763 --> 00:10:36,105
LOOKING FOR THIS?
211
00:10:36,106 --> 00:10:37,967
YEAH, THIS IS MINE, TOO.
212
00:10:37,968 --> 00:10:42,171
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
A RECEIPT. (laughs)
213
00:10:42,172 --> 00:10:45,214
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS MINE?
VENGEANCE.
214
00:10:45,215 --> 00:10:50,319
ANDY, ANDY, YOU WIN, OKAY?
215
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:51,921
IT'S YOURS.
THE GRILL IS YOURS.
216
00:10:51,922 --> 00:10:54,423
THIS WHOLE GRILL THING
IS JUST KILLING... AAH!
217
00:10:54,424 --> 00:10:57,286
AAH! GET OFF OF ME!
GIVE ME THAT VALVE.
218
00:10:57,287 --> 00:11:00,229
NO! GIVE ME THAT VALVE OR I'LL
PUT YOUR FAT HEAD INTO THAT PIPE!
219
00:11:00,230 --> 00:11:03,662
NEVER! NO, JIM!
220
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,235
AAH!
221
00:11:06,236 --> 00:11:09,799
THIS IS A NEW SWEATER!
222
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,102
HEY, COME HERE, YOU!
COME HERE!
223
00:11:13,103 --> 00:11:15,304
COME ON!
224
00:11:15,305 --> 00:11:18,147
AAH!
COME ON.
225
00:11:18,148 --> 00:11:19,749
YOU'LL NEVER GET IT!
226
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:21,350
YOU'LL...
227
00:11:21,351 --> 00:11:25,314
PLEASE, I DEALT WITH
WORSE THAN THIS IN LOCKUP!
228
00:11:25,315 --> 00:11:27,416
YEAH, DID THEY
FILL YOUR EAR UP?
229
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:30,419
AAH! NOT THE EAR! NOT THE EAR!
I HAVE A CONDITION!
230
00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:32,091
GIMME THE VALVE!
231
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:35,094
OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THE
VALVE! GIMME THE VALVE!
232
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,426
I'LL GIVE YOU THE VALVE! I'LL
GIVE YOU THE VALVE! GIVE IT TO ME!
233
00:11:37,427 --> 00:11:40,800
ALL RIGHT. TAKE THE VALVE...
AND I'LL TAKE THE GRILL.
234
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:44,033
ANDY!
ANDY, WHERE IS THE VALVE?
235
00:11:44,034 --> 00:11:46,035
DON'T KNOW, DON'T CARE.
LATER, LOSER.
236
00:11:46,036 --> 00:11:48,077
(grunts)
237
00:11:48,078 --> 00:11:50,239
WHEN IS THIS THING
GONNA RECHARGE?
238
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,240
(buzz)
239
00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:54,083
UGH! OH!
240
00:11:54,084 --> 00:11:58,488
ANDY!
241
00:12:06,797 --> 00:12:11,400
AHH... MILADY.
242
00:12:11,401 --> 00:12:13,063
(laughs)
243
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:18,367
OH, IT'S YOU.
244
00:12:18,368 --> 00:12:25,444
WHY, ANDREW, MM, YOU LOOK
POSITIVELY VICTORIOUS.
245
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,517
(chuckles)
246
00:12:41,331 --> 00:12:43,432
HELLO, I'M GEORGE TAKEI.
247
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:46,495
WELCOME TO "INTERGALACTIC
POSITIVITY MIND TRAINING."
248
00:12:46,496 --> 00:12:49,168
YOU'RE A BRAVE, STRONG MAN
WHO WILL SOON HAVE
249
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,942
LOTS AND LOTS OF GIRLFRIENDS
OR BOYFRIENDS.
250
00:12:52,943 --> 00:12:56,245
THE GALAXY LOVES YOU
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
251
00:12:56,246 --> 00:12:58,247
TOMORROW
YOU WILL AWAKE REFRESHED,
252
00:12:58,248 --> 00:13:01,510
NOT NEEDING A DOUGHNUT
FOR BREAKFAST,
253
00:13:01,511 --> 00:13:05,014
BECAUSE YOU CAN BOLDLY GO
WHEREVER YOU WANT.
254
00:13:05,015 --> 00:13:07,387
HA HA.
YOU HEAR THAT, JIM?
255
00:13:11,121 --> 00:13:13,462
ARE YOU SURE
MOMMY'S OKAY WITH THIS?
256
00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:16,826
I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME ASK HER.
257
00:13:16,827 --> 00:13:19,830
HEY, CHERYL,
YOU OKAY WITH THIS?
258
00:13:21,371 --> 00:13:24,403
I DIDN'T HEAR "NO."
259
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,405
IT'S FUN
WHEN THE GIRLS ARE GONE.
260
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,436
(chuckles)
261
00:13:27,437 --> 00:13:29,438
HOW DO YOU SAY
THAT WORD AGAIN?
262
00:13:29,439 --> 00:13:31,841
VENGEANCE.
263
00:13:31,842 --> 00:13:35,384
VENGEANCE.
I LIKE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS.
264
00:13:35,385 --> 00:13:39,288
IT TASTES EVEN BETTER.
265
00:13:39,289 --> 00:13:41,290
(George Takei)
YOU WANT SOME ADVICE
266
00:13:41,291 --> 00:13:42,992
THAT'S ACTUALLY USEFUL?
267
00:13:42,993 --> 00:13:45,494
STOP BASING YOUR LIFE
ON A 40-YEAR-OLD TV SHOW
268
00:13:45,495 --> 00:13:48,327
AND ASK A GIRL OUT.
269
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:53,203
THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN,
SHE SAYS, "NO!"
270
00:14:05,315 --> 00:14:08,447
(George Takei) THE THING
I'M HAPPIEST ABOUT...
271
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,950
(crackling sound) I NEVER
DID ONE OF THOSE ALBUMS
272
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:14,483
WHERE I JUST TALK THE WORDS
TO POPULAR SONGS.
273
00:14:14,484 --> 00:14:16,485
NO ONE ASKED ME...
(coughs)
274
00:14:16,486 --> 00:14:18,487
BUT I WOULDN'T
HAVE DONE IT ANYWAY.
275
00:14:18,488 --> 00:14:22,461
AND LET ME TELL YOU
ABOUT BILL SHATNER.
276
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,363
THE MAN'S
ALL ABOUT THE MONEY.
277
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:28,298
(woman) END OF DISC ONE.
INSERT DISC TWO.
278
00:14:39,609 --> 00:14:42,581
HOW DID THAT TASTE, KYLE?
279
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:45,214
PRETTY GOOD...
LIKE PIZZA.
280
00:14:45,215 --> 00:14:46,916
(chuckles)
281
00:14:46,917 --> 00:14:51,121
DEEP-DISH PIZZA.
282
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,971
YES, YES, YES,
YES, YES, YES, YES!
283
00:15:01,972 --> 00:15:04,273
(laughs)
284
00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:08,407
(humming)
285
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:11,411
(birds squawking)
286
00:15:33,303 --> 00:15:41,303
JIM!
287
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,423
CHERYL'S OUT OF TOWN.
288
00:15:54,424 --> 00:15:57,556
YEAH, WE GOT THE LETTER.
289
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,689
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
290
00:16:00,690 --> 00:16:03,563
MY NEPHEW'S TRUCK.
291
00:16:05,435 --> 00:16:07,966
ALL RIGHT, MOVE ON, HUH?
292
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,969
THERE'S NOTHING
TO SEE HERE.
293
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,272
MMM.
294
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:14,643
YOU KNOW,
295
00:16:14,644 --> 00:16:16,546
I DON'T MISS THE KNIVES.
296
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:22,081
OR TOILET PAPER.
297
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:25,654
MOMMY DIDN'T HIDE
THE TOILET PAPER, HONEY.
298
00:16:25,655 --> 00:16:28,187
MY BAD.
299
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,059
(doorbell rings)
300
00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:32,092
BATTLE STATIONS.
301
00:16:43,273 --> 00:16:45,774
HEY, JIM,
I'VE BEEN THINKING, AND...
302
00:16:45,775 --> 00:16:47,277
OW!
303
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,341
OW!
304
00:16:58,788 --> 00:17:00,619
STATE YOUR BUSINESS.
305
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,452
I SURRENDER.
306
00:17:03,453 --> 00:17:06,225
YEAH, RIGHT.
307
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,227
NO, NO, NO, NO,
I'M SERIOUS.
308
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,259
YOU BESTED ME.
THE GRILL IS YOURS.
309
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:15,064
WHAT'S YOUR GAME?
310
00:17:15,065 --> 00:17:16,705
NO GAME.
311
00:17:16,706 --> 00:17:18,707
I JUST FINALLY GOT
WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.
312
00:17:18,708 --> 00:17:20,709
JUST BECAUSE A MAN
GIVES SOMETHING AWAY
313
00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:23,342
DOESN'T MEAN
HE RENOUNCES OWNERSHIP.
314
00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:27,746
THANK YOU.
315
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:31,520
BE IT A ROOF,
OR A GRILL OR HIS TIME...
316
00:17:31,521 --> 00:17:34,683
EXACTLY. TIME?
317
00:17:34,684 --> 00:17:37,686
YEAH, HOW MANY HOURS
HAVE I SPENT
318
00:17:37,687 --> 00:17:39,759
BABYSITTING YOUR KIDS
FOR FREE?
319
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,193
I DECIDED
TO CRUNCH THE NUMBERS.
320
00:17:44,194 --> 00:17:48,367
9,000 HOURS?
321
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,369
YEAH. I GAVE THEM
A YEAR OF MY TIME,
322
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,302
AND NOW I WANT
A YEAR OF IT BACK FROM THEM,
323
00:17:53,303 --> 00:17:55,304
AND SINCE GRACIE
AND RUBY AREN'T HERE,
324
00:17:55,305 --> 00:17:57,107
I'LL TAKE THAT ONE.
325
00:17:59,449 --> 00:18:01,450
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
WITH KYLE?
326
00:18:01,451 --> 00:18:03,782
I DON'T KNOW YET...
COOKING, CLEANING.
327
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:07,216
I MAY SHOOT STUFF AT HIS FEET,
MAKE HIM DANCE.
328
00:18:07,217 --> 00:18:08,517
YOU ARE CRAZY.
329
00:18:08,518 --> 00:18:10,459
THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH
330
00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:13,292
THAT I AM GONNA GIVE YOU
MY ONE AND ONLY SON.
331
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:16,165
OKAY, THEN JUST ADMIT THAT
YOUR ARGUMENT IS FULL OF CRAP
332
00:18:16,166 --> 00:18:17,666
AND GIVE ME THAT GRILL.
333
00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:19,428
TAKE THE BOY.
334
00:18:19,429 --> 00:18:21,300
WHAT?
335
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:24,274
BUT IF YOU DECIDE TO SELL HIM
AFTER A YEAR, HE REVERTS TO ME.
336
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:33,313
(all) AFTERNOON.
337
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,317
CHERYL, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
338
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:41,190
I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING HOME
TOMORROW NIGHT.
339
00:18:41,191 --> 00:18:43,822
YEAH, I CALLED KYLE TO SEE
HOW THINGS WERE GOING.
340
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:47,596
HE LIED FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS,
THEN HE CRACKED LIKE AN EGG.
341
00:18:47,597 --> 00:18:51,900
30 SECONDS?
YOU ARE NOT MY SON.
342
00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:55,904
I KNOW. YOU JUST SOLD ME
TO UNCLE ANDY.
343
00:18:55,905 --> 00:18:59,168
WHAT? YOU SOLD OUR SON?
344
00:18:59,169 --> 00:19:01,640
OH, COME ON, IT'S NOT
AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.
345
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,273
REALLY, I MEAN, ANDY TRIED
TO SELL MY GRILL.
346
00:19:04,274 --> 00:19:06,275
YEAH, AND THEN
HE GOT ME ARRESTED.
347
00:19:06,276 --> 00:19:09,278
THEN HE PULLED A PIPE OUT OF
MY KITCHEN. HE TOOK MY ROOF.
348
00:19:09,279 --> 00:19:10,579
AND NOW HE GETS KYLE.
349
00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:13,752
I DON'T KNOW...
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
350
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,754
LOOK AT YOU TWO.
351
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,487
YOU ARE LITERALLY
TEARING THIS FAMILY APART
352
00:19:18,488 --> 00:19:20,689
OVER A WORTHLESS
PIECE OF JUNK.
353
00:19:20,690 --> 00:19:23,832
JUNK?
HOW DARE YOU?
354
00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:25,595
OUT!
355
00:19:28,498 --> 00:19:32,170
JIM, YOU KNOW, YOU SAID
KYLE WAS LUCKY TO SEE
356
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,643
SUCH A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN TWO MEN.
357
00:19:34,644 --> 00:19:37,476
I DON'T THINK HE'S FEELING
VERY LUCKY RIGHT NOW.
358
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,208
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
359
00:19:39,209 --> 00:19:41,451
KYLE, COME ON.
360
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,588
KYLE...
361
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:52,222
BE CAREFUL WITH THAT.
362
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:57,396
YOU SAID WE HAD
A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP?
363
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,228
NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
364
00:19:59,229 --> 00:20:01,800
CHERYL PUT A BLOCK
ON THE ADULT CHANNELS,
365
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,703
IT MADE ME GOOFY, AND I SAID
SOMETHING I DIDN'T MEAN.
366
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,204
OH, COME ON, JIM.
367
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,206
THE LESSON I LEARNED
FROM MEL GIBSON
368
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,208
IS THAT SOMETIMES WE SAY THINGS
369
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,842
BECAUSE DEEP DOWN
IT'S WHAT WE REALLY FEEL.
370
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,620
YOU LOVE ME.
371
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,493
I DO NOT.
372
00:20:24,494 --> 00:20:26,995
OH, YES, YOU DO.
373
00:20:26,996 --> 00:20:30,500
SAY IT, JIM.
SAY THE "L" WORD.
374
00:20:31,861 --> 00:20:33,903
LESBIAN.
375
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,410
GOOD ENOUGH.
I LESBIAN YOU, TOO.
376
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:45,714
ALL RIGHT, SAFETY
CHECK. GOGGLES. CHECK.
377
00:20:45,715 --> 00:20:47,916
EAR PLUGS.
CHECK.
378
00:20:47,917 --> 00:20:51,550
AH, WHAT ARE WE
FORGETTING? UH, DAD?
379
00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:53,882
OH, CRAP.
380
00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:56,525
OKAY, SON. WE WEREN'T
GONNA LEAVE YOU HERE.
381
00:20:56,526 --> 00:21:00,659
(chuckles)
THERE YOU GO.
382
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:03,362
OH, I'M GONNA MISS YOU,
OLD BLUE.
383
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,833
OH, BOY. (laughs)
384
00:21:04,834 --> 00:21:07,996
OH, I DIDN'T WANT
TO DO THIS. YEAH.
385
00:21:07,997 --> 00:21:09,998
YOU KNOW,
WE'D KEEP YOU, OLD BLUE,
386
00:21:09,999 --> 00:21:12,000
BUT YOU MAKE ANDY AND I
WANNA KILL EACH OTHER,
387
00:21:12,001 --> 00:21:13,502
AND THAT MEANS PRISON TIME.
388
00:21:13,503 --> 00:21:15,504
YEAH, AND WE'RE
TOO PRETTY FOR PRISON.
389
00:21:15,505 --> 00:21:17,506
SO WE'RE GONNA BLOW YOU UP.
390
00:21:17,507 --> 00:21:18,547
(laughs)
391
00:21:18,548 --> 00:21:20,979
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
OKAY.
392
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:24,583
SO WHO GETS TO DO IT? OH, I
PROBABLY SHOULD DO IT. IT'S MY GRILL.
393
00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:28,658
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S MY GRILL. IT'S MY GRILL...
394
00:21:31,060 --> 00:21:34,063
(all) OOH, PRETTY.
26054
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