All language subtitles for Parks.and.Recreation.S02E23.The.Master.Plan.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-NTb

- OKAY, OPEN THIS ONE.
HERE, I'LL HELP YOU.

- WHOA!
DOCUMENTS.

- YES.

THIS IS YOUR ORIGINAL
INTERN APPLICATION,

YOUR ORIGINAL PARKING PASS.

THIS IS
YOUR ORIGINAL PHOTO I.D.

- DID YOU GET THAT
OUT OF MY PURSE?

- DOESN'T MATTER.

AND THIS IS A COPY
OF YOUR VERY FIRST PAYCHECK.

- WHO'S THAT FROM?

- ME.
IT'S FROM ME.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- THANK YOU, LESLIE.

- OPEN MINE.
- IT IS. IT'S NICE.

I MEAN, IT CAN BE A LITTLE SAPPY
AND SENTIMENTAL

TO KIND OF FRAME THINGS,
BUT IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO REMEMBER

THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW, THE START.

AND WHEN YOU--
- AH!

- RON, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

- SHE'S AN ADULT NOW.

SHE SHOULD KNOW
HOW TO RESPONSIBLY HANDLE

AND DISCHARGE A WEAPON.

THAT THERE IS A SIG SAUER
.22-CALIBER MOSQUITO,

MANUFACTURED IN SWITZERLAND
FOR THEIR PUSSY POLICE FORCE.

THIS TWO-TONED,
LIGHTWEIGHT MODEL

IS PERFECT FOR A SKINNY,
LITTLE THING LIKE YOU.

- GEE, THANKS, RON.

- I WILL HOLD ON
TO THIS FOR YOU

UNTIL WE GET YOU
LICENSED UP,

AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU
FOR SOME TARGET PRACTICE.

- GOODY.

- YEAH, I DO FEEL
A LITTLE GUILTY.

I'M RE-GIFTING.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR
ALL ABOUT YOUR FAMILY VACATION.

- HEY.
- OH, THANK GOD.

GET OUT, KYLE.

HELLO, BIRTHDAY GIRL.

HA!

DID YOU LIKE THAT?
- YES.

- THAT HIGH FIVE
WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

JUST KIDDING.
[laughs] THAT WASN'T IT.

I GOT YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

I WROTE YOU A SONG.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

YEAH.
- WHAT'S IT CALLED?

- I'M NOT TELLING,
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

IT'S NAMED AFTER A MONTH
OUT OF THE YEAR.

- SO APRIL?

- NO.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN
WAY BETTER.

- [scoffs]
- UM...

WELL, WHATEVER.
I CAN REWRITE THE LYRICS.

- UM, ARE YOU COMING
TO MY PARTY?

- YEAH. I WOULDN'T MISS IT
FOR THE WORLD.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- OKAY, COOL.

- OKAY.
- UM, WELL...

WE'LL HANG OUT THEN.

- OKAY.

- IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

YES, I AM
21 YEARS OLD TODAY...

WHICH IS THE AGE
THAT PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE AGREES

MAKES YOU AN ADULT.

[breathes deeply]

[triumphant music]

*

- "IN THE WORDS

"OF THE GREAT 19TH-CENTURY
OUTDOORSMAN JACK LONDON,

"'YOU CAN'T WAIT
FOR INSPIRATION.

"YOU HAVE TO GO AFTER IT
WITH A CLUB.'

"WITH THOSE WORDS
RINGING IN OUR EARS,

"WE PROUDLY PRESENT OUR PLANS
FOR A NEW PARK

ON MUNICIPAL LOT 48."

- THAT'S GOOD.

- I KNOW.

THE YEARLY BUDGET
AND PLANNING PROPOSAL FOR A CITY

IS CALLED THE "MASTER PLAN."

AH, ISN'T THAT JUST SO AWESOME
YOU CAN'T STAND IT?

IT'S MOSTLY FILLED WITH BORING,
BUREAUCRATIC LANGUAGE,

SO I TRY TO SPICE IT UP
A LITTLE.

"SO I SAY THE FUNCTION OF MAN
IS TO LIVE, NOT TO EXIST.

"I WOULD RATHER THAT MY SPARK
SHOULD BURN OUT

"IN A BRILLIANT BLAZE

THAN IT SHOULD BE STIFLED
BY DRY ROT."

- [gasps]
YOU WROTE THAT?

- JACK LONDON, AGAIN.

IS THERE TOO MANY
JACK LONDON QUOTES?

- NO, NO.

- YEAH, I MEAN,
YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH.

- THAT IS EASILY THE MOST
EXCITING BUDGET PROPOSAL

I'VE EVER HEARD.

- WELL,
I'M PRESENTING IT TODAY.

AND IF IT FLIES, WE ARE GONNA
GET OUR MONEY TO BUILD A PARK.

I MEAN, IT ONLY TOOK US
15 MONTHS TO DO THIS.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- WOULD'VE TAKEN 13 MONTHS

IF YOU HAD AGREED TO WORK
ON THE WEEKENDS, BUT STILL,

IT'S GREAT.

- IT'S AMAZING.
- [laughs]

WELL, THE MEETING'S AT 10:00.

COME OVER TO MY OFFICE
FOR CHAMPAGNE AFTER.

- I DON'T THINK
I SHOULD DO THAT.

- OH, RIGHT.
MARK.

OH. AWKWARD.
- [chuckles]

I ENDED THINGS WITH MARK
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO,

AND...

I'M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT IT.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING.

DO NOT MISS TONIGHT'S
APRIL LUDGATE BIRTHDAY BASH.

9:00 P.M. AT THE WORLD-FAMOUS
SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE--

THE PLACE THE PAWNEE JOURNAL
HAS CALLED

THE SEXIEST,
MOST DANGEROUS CLUB IN TOWN.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY WROTE.
- FINE.

I ADDED THE WORD "SEXIEST,"

BUT WE'VE HIRED
BETTER SECURITY.

YES, I AM A GOOD FRIEND
FOR THROWING THE PARTY.

I'M ALSO A GENIUS,
BECAUSE I'M USING THE OCCASION

TO STOCK THE CLUB WITH
EVERY AVAILABLE HOTTIE I KNOW.

CALL ME A ROMANTIC,

BUT I BELIEVE
BY THE END OF THE NIGHT,

I WILL HAVE BETWEEN
ONE AND FOUR NEW GIRLFRIENDS.

- OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
OUR LITTLE GIRL'S ALL GROWN UP.

OH, DAMN THE WHEEL
OF THE WORLD.

WHY MUST IT
CONTINUALLY TURN OVER?

- JACK LONDON.

- YEAH.
- NICE.

- OKAY, LET'S GO, BOSS.

WE HAVE A MEETING TO GO TO.
- YAY.

ONCE A YEAR, EVERY BRANCH
OF THIS GOVERNMENT

MEETS IN A ROOM AND ANNOUNCES

WHAT THEY INTEND TO WASTE
TAXPAYER MONEY ON.

FOR A LIBERTARIAN
SUCH AS MYSELF,

IT'S PHILOSOPHICALLY
HORRIFYING.

THEY ALSO REALLY CHEAP OUT
ON THE SNACKS.

HYDRAX COOKIES?

DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS
AN OFF-BRAND HYDROX?

I DID NOT.

THEY'RE NOT BAD.

- GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

NOW, I KNOW YOU ALL HAVE
YOUR BUDGET PRESENTATIONS READY,

BUT THERE'S A CHANGE
OF PLANS.

DUE TO THE CRIPPLING GRIDLOCK
IN CITY COUNSEL,

WE ARE POSTPONING

ALL PLANNING AND SPENDING
DECISIONS INDEFINITELY.

- UM, UNTIL WHEN?

- INDEFINITELY.

- AND WHEN WILL THAT END?
- LATER THAN NOW.

- SO THIS WEEK PROBABLY?

- LOOK, WE ARE BORDERING
ON A FULL-BLOWN CRISIS, LESLIE.

THE STATE GOVERNMENT
IS SENDING A TEAM

FROM INDIANAPOLIS
TO TRY TO SOLVE

THIS BUDGET PROBLEM.

- "IN THE EVENT THE MASTER PLAN
MEETING IS CUT SHORT,

"IN THE EVENT
I HAVE LARYNGITIS

"AND I CAN'T PRESENT
THE MASTER PLAN,

IN THE EVENT THE MASTER PLAN
MEETING IS MOVED ONTO A BOAT..."

LOOK, I'M PREPARED
FOR EVERY SITUATION...

EXCEPT FOR THE ONE
WHERE THERE'S NO MASTER PLAN.

[book thuds loudly]
- JUST CALM DOWN.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO.

- RON, THEY'RE STATE AUDITORS.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA COME
AND PAT US ON THE BACK.

THEY'RE HERE
TO SLASH AND BURN.

- WELL, I'D BE FINE WITH THAT.

THIS GOVERNMENT IS DISEASED.

IT'S LIKE A BIG, FAT,
ANGRY SLOB

SPENDING MONEY IT DOESN'T HAVE
ON CRAP IT DOESN'T NEED.

MMM, MMM, MMM.

ME WANT MORE POINTLESS
SOCIAL PROGRAMS.

YUMMY, YUMMY, YUM.

- THAT'S WHAT
GOVERNMENT DOES, RON.

IT PROVIDES SERVICES.

THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO ELIMINATE
EVERYTHING WE DO.

WE GOTTA FIGHT THESE GUYS.

- THEY'VE BEEN SENT
BY THE GOVERNOR.

THEY OUTRANK EVERYONE.

THERE'S NO FIGHT
TO BE HAD HERE.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT--
I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT THEM,

EXCEPT THAT I AM!

- OKAY.

LESLIE...

WHAT DO WE DO
WHEN WE GET THIS ANGRY?

- WE COUNT BACKWARDS
FROM 1,000 BY 7s,

AND WE THINK OF WARM BROWNIES.

GO DO THAT IN YOUR OFFICE.

- GO DO IT IN YOUR OFFICE.

- AND WE'LL WAIT
FOR THESE GUYS TO SHOW UP.

- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU
TO SHOW UP.

- YOU DON'T NEED TO BRING
ANYTHING BUT YOUR GORGEOUS BODY.

AND GET THIS--COVER CHARGE
IS NORMALLY $15.

SAY MY NAME AT THE DOOR,
IT'S $13.50.

ANDY!

YOU COMING OUT TONIGHT,
PART OWNER OF THE CLUB?

- [chuckles]
UH, YES.

LET ME ASK YOU
A QUICK QUESTION.

WHAT'S THE YOUNGEST
A GIRL CAN BE

THAT IF, UH, WE GO OUT,
I'M NOT A TOTAL SCUMBAG?

- YOU KNOW THE OLD RULE.

HALF YOUR AGE, PLUS SEVEN.

- HALF MY AGE PLUS SEVEN.
OH, OKAY.

WELL, I'M 29 SO HALF OF...

29...ADD SEVEN,

THAT'S ONLY 20...IS--

- 21...
- 20 YEARS OLD.

- 21.
- AND A HALF.

- 21 YEARS OLD AND A HALF.

- YEP.
- YEP.

WE GOT THE SAME THING
WITH THE EQUATION ON THAT ONE.

HERE'S THE THING.

WHAT IF SHE'S
SLIGHTLY YOUNGER?

CAN I GO OUT
WITH SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN THAT?

- PLEASE!
YOU TOTALLY CAN.

- YEAH.

TOM SAYS IT'S OKAY.

THAT PROBABLY MEANS
IT ISN'T OKAY.

- THANK YOU FOR MEETING
WITH ME AGAIN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW REALLY
WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

BUT I GUESS
I JUST DON'T GET IT.

YOU KNOW, OUR RELATIONSHIP
WAS SO GREAT.

- MARK, HONESTLY,
IT WAS REALLY NICE.

BUT MAYBE YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS SO AMAZING

BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER DATED
SOMEONE FOR SO LONG BEFORE.

- WELL, BUT, FOR EXAMPLE,
WE BARELY EVER FOUGHT.

- THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT...
SOMETIMES.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MISS
THE OTHER PERSON,

EVEN IF THEY'RE ONLY GONE
FOR 20 MINUTES.

AND I JUST DIDN'T FEEL THAT.

DID YOU?

- MAN, I, UH...

I SHOULD'VE YELLED AT YOU
WAY MORE.

- WELL, PAUL JUST CALLED.

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

- OH, GOD, THEY'RE GONNA FIRE
PEOPLE, AREN'T THEY?

YEAH, I AM TWO YEARS
FROM MY PENSION.

RELAX, JERRY.
WE DON'T KNOW THAT.

MAYBE THESE PEOPLE
ARE VERY HELPFUL AND PLEASANT--

- HELLO.
- HA! DEATH!

- DIVORCE FILINGS?
- FOURTH FLOOR.

- HELLO, HELLO?
- OH.

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, THERE.

- HI.

- CHRIS TRAEGER.
THIS IS BEN.

- HELLO, GENTS.
RON SWANSON.

- RON...SWANSON.

- OKAY.

- I'M DEPUTY DIRECTOR,
LESLIE KNOPE.

- LESLIE...KNOPE.

IT IS FANTASTIC
TO BE HERE.

- WOULD YOU GENTLEMEN
LIKE A TOUR?

- OH, THERE IS
QUITE LITERALLY

NOTHING I WOULD RATHER HAVE
IN THE WORLD

THAN A TOUR OF THE PARKS
AND RECREATION DEPARTMENT

OF THE GREAT CITY OF PAWNEE
LED BY RON SWANSON...

AND LESLIE KNOPE.

- OKAY.
- BEN?

- I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

- LET'S DO IT.
- OKAY.

CHRIS IS THE MOST POSITIVE
STATE BUDGET AUDITING CONSULTANT

I'VE EVER MET.

I MEAN,
I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM,

AND IT WAS LIKE...

STARING INTO THE SUN.

- PEOPLE, WE ARE HERE
FROM THE STATE BUDGET OFFICE

FROM INDIANAPOLIS.

OOH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, SIMPLY, WE ARE HERE
TO TINKER WITH YOUR BUDGET.

THINK OF THE GOVERNMENT
AS A BROKEN DOWN CAROUSEL.

WE'RE GONNA SLAP ON
A NEW COAT OF PAINT,

WE'RE GONNA FIX THAT BROKEN
SPEAKER SYSTEM,

AND WE ARE GONNA GET
THOSE HAPPY KIDS

BACK UP ON THE HORSES
WHERE THEY BELONG.

OKAY?

- YEAH.

- OKAY?

[all exclaim in agreement]

THERE IT IS.

MY, UH, PARTNER BEN IS GONNA
STICK AROUND FOR A LITTLE BIT.

AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL LATER.

ADIOS.
- DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?

- I REALLY LIKE YOUR SHIRT.

- SO I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT

WHERE YOU THINK THERE'S WASTE
WITHIN YOUR DEPARTMENT.

[both snort]

- THERE IS NONE.
- WHERE DO I START?

WHAT EXACTLY
WILL YOU BE CUTTING?

AND HOW MUCH OF IT,

AND CAN I WATCH YOU DO IT
WHILE EATING PORK CRACKLINS?

- OKAY, LET'S START
WITH PERSONNEL.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT JERRY GERGICH?

- HE IS ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE
ON THE PLANET.

HE'S UNIVERSALLY ADORED HERE.

IF YOU FIRED HIM,
THERE WOULD BE A REVOLT.

- OKAY,
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND

THAT JUST TO KEEP
THIS TOWN AFLOAT,

WE PROBABLY HAVE TO CUT
THE BUDGET

OF EVERY DEPARTMENT
BY 40% OR 50%, OKAY?

- WELL, BUT CHRIS SAID
THAT YOU JUST HAD TO,

YOU KNOW,
TINKER WITH THINGS.

- YEAH, HE SAID THAT BECAUSE
THAT SOUNDS A LOT BETTER THAN,

"WE'RE GOING TO GUT IT
WITH A MACHETE."

OKAY?
- [laughing]

- YOU'RE A JERK.
- I'M SORRY?

- EASY.

- I'M SORRY, THESE ARE
REAL PEOPLE IN A REAL TOWN,

WORKING IN A REAL BUILDING
WITH REAL FEELINGS.

- THIS BUILDING HAS FEELINGS?
- MAYBE.

THERE'S A LOT OF HISTORY
IN THIS ONE--MAYBE IT DOES.

HOW CAN YOU BE
SO BLASE ABOUT IT?

- BECAUSE I DIDN'T CAUSE
THESE PROBLEMS, MISS KNOPE.

YOUR GOVERNMENT DID.

I'LL GET WHAT I NEED
FROM THE SPREADSHEETS.

THANKS.

- WHAT'S A NOT-GAY WAY
TO ASK HIM

TO GO CAMPING WITH ME?

- JEAN-RALPHIO.
- LOOKIN' HOT, BIG T.

both:
* THROW THEM BONES

- WHAT?

DAMN, GIRL,
WHO YOU TRYIN' TO IMPRESS?

JUST KIDDING, I KNOW.

- WALK AWAY.
- YEAH, YOU GOT IT.

DONNA.

- JEAN-RALPHIO.
- YEAH.

- GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY SHOT.
- OH, THANKS.

BUT NOW THAT IT'S LEGAL,
I'VE KIND OF LOST INTEREST.

- SUIT YOURSELF.

- SO I GUESS OUR
AWESOME NEW PARK IS ON HOLD.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT THEY'RE GONNA CUT?

- NOPE.

- [sighs]

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULDN'T WAIT AROUND.

YOU SHOULD COME UP
WITH YOUR OWN BUDGET PLAN

AND JUST CONTROL
YOUR OWN DESTINY.

- YEAH, I JUST DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN PLAY GOD LIKE THAT--

AN ANGRY, VENGEFUL GOD
WHO JUST...

FIRES JERRY FOR NO REASON.

- YOU'D FIRE JERRY?
- NOT NECESSARILY.

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST BEEN
A REALLY CRAPPY DAY.

WHERE WERE YOU EARLIER
WHEN I CALLED?

- [sighs]
TALKING TO MARK.

- AGAIN?
- YEAH.

IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH WEEK.

- YOU WANT TO GET SUPER DRUNK?
- I REALLY DO.

- YEAH, WHERE'S OUR LADY? HEY.
- HEY.

- I HOPE YOU ALL KNOW,
I WAS INSTRUMENTAL

IN GETTING TRISH CROWNED
MISS PAWNEE.

WHAT WAS YOUR TALENT AGAIN?

OH, YEAH.
LOOKING AMAZING.

[laughter]

HEY, LADIES, IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU DESIRE AT ALL BESIDES ME?

[girls laugh]

- SO FUNNY--
YOU ARE SO FUNNY.

- I-I'M SERIOUS, THOUGH.

UM, ARE YOU INTO ME?

- WHAT?

[hip-hop music]

- OH!
- [laughs loudly]

CHUG THAT BITCH!
- OH, RULES ARE RULES.

- NO, ANN, LISTEN TO ME.

LISTEN TO ME, ANN.

I KNOW I HAD A MASTER PLAN,

AND IT ALL BLEW UP
IN MY FACE, BUT YOU...

YOU CAME
INTO A TOWN HALL MEETING,

AND WE MET, AND WE BECAME
FRIENDS, AND THAT IS AWESOME.

- IT IS SO AWESOME.
YOU ARE SO AWESOME.

I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.

BUT I NEED MORE BEER.

- OH, I'M GONNA GET YOU
MORE BEER.

- YAY!
- YAY!

- BEST FRIENDS OF EVER.

[gasps]

- * SHORTY, SHOW 'EM
WHAT I MEAN *

* WHAT I MEAN, GIRL

- HEY, APRIL.
OH, MY GOSH.

YOU LOOK AMAZING.

- OH.
- LET ME SEE.

- NO.
- DO A TWIRL.

- NO.
- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

- NO, DON'T LOOK AT ME.

NO, LOOK. LOOK AT ME.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- THANK YOU.

- UH, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
OR--WAIT.

YEAH, I CAN SWING IT.
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

- WHISKEY, NEAT.

- WOW, YOU'RE NOT
MESSING AROUND.

- NO, I'M NOT.

*

- BARKEEP.

- ANDY DWYER,
IT IS SO AWESOME TO SEE YOU.

- HEY, YOU TOO.
HOW ARE YOU?

- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
WAS I A GOOD GIRLFRIEND?

- ANN, YOU WERE
AN AWESOME GIRLFRIEND.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

- AW.
- YEAH.

I MEAN, I WAS THE SCREWUP.
- YEAH, YOU WERE.

- [laughs nervously]

- WE HAD
A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?

- GOD, I THINK SO.

I MEAN, WE FOUGHT A LOT.
- I KNOW. I KNOW.

I KNOW THAT.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

- MM-HMM.
- I'M HOT.

- IS THAT A QUESTION?

- UM, WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER--
I CAN'T SEE YOU.

- [laughing]
HERE.

- WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER...
- OH, YES.

- WERE THERE TIMES
THAT YOU WERE LIKE,

"IF I DON'T SEE ANN
IN, LIKE, TEN SECONDS,

I'M GONNA DIE"?

- YES, ALL THE TIME.

- I LOVED ANDY,

LOVED HIM.

LOVED ANDY.

HE WAS A TOTALLY HELPLESS BABY
WHEN WE MET.

I DATED HIM FOR THREE YEARS.

NOW HE'S AN ADULT
WITH A JOB.

AND SOME OTHER GIRL
IS GONNA REAP THE REWARDS

OF MY HARD WORK?

THAT'S BULL[bleep].

- AND I'M READING THIS,
AND I'M LIKE,

"HOW COULD THEY HURT
THOSE GORILLAS LIKE THAT?"

THEY'RE SUCH GENTLE,
MAGNIFICENT CREATURES, YOU KNOW?

I'M AN ANIMAL LOVER.
I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, I, UM, WANT YOU TO KEEP
THIS BOTTLE CAP,

SO YOU'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER ME
AND THE FIRST TIME WE MET.

CLASSIC GAME--
PLANT THE SEED,

HARVEST, LIKE,
A HALF HOUR LATER.

- HERE YOU GO.
SORRY THAT TOOK FOREVER.

GOD.

- HEY, BABY, YOU MISS ME?
'CAUSE I MISSED YOU.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.
JEAN-RALPHIO.

- OH, HEY.
ANDY.

- ANDY--
THAT'S AN ALL RIGHT NAME.

THAT'S AN ALL RIGHT NAME.

- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.

- ARE YOU GUYS--ARE YOU GUYS
HANGING OUT TOGETHER?

- YEAH, UH, MAYBE.

YOU KNOW, HE ASKED ME OUT
SO MANY TIMES,

I GUESS HE WORE ME DOWN.

- [chuckles]
I'M VERY PERSISTENT.

COME OVER HERE.
COME OVER HERE.

- I CAN HEAR YOU. I CAN--
- COME OVER HERE.

ONE TIME, I WAITED OUTSIDE
A WOMAN'S HOUSE

FOR FIVE DAYS JUST TO SHOW HER
HOW SERIOUS I WAS

ABOUT WANTING TO DRILL HER.

TURNS OUT,
IT WAS THE WRONG HOUSE.

SHE LOVED THE STORY ANYWAY.

WE GOT TO THIRD BASE,
OVER THE PANTS.

- THAT'S SO CUTE.
- YEAH, SUPER CUTE.

- WOW.
- RIGHT?

DO YOU WANT A REMY MARTIN?
- PROBABLY GOOD.

- OKAY, I'LL GET YOU ONE.

TWO REMY MARTINS--
HERE WE GO!

- YOU CAN HAVE MY REMY MARTIN
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

I THOUGHT SHE LIKED ME.

I GUESS I'M SUPER BAD
AT PICKING UP SIGNALS.

BUT THAT RALPH MACCHIO GUY'S
A TOTAL DOUCHE.

- DID I GIVE YOU A BOTTLE CAP?

EXCUSE ME.
DID I GIVE YOU A BOTTLE CAP?

- WHAT?
- UGH!

DID I GIVE ANY OF YOU GUYS
A BOTTLE CAP?

YOU SURE?

WHO THE [bleep]
DID I GIVE A BOTTLE CAP TO?

- * FAST MONEY, FAST CARS

* FAST WOMEN
- * THAT'S HOW I'M LIVIN'

- * FAST MONEY, FAST CARS

* FAST WOMEN
- * THAT'S HOW I'M LIVIN'

- THIS PARTY SUCKS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- IT'S MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- IT IS?

- YES.
- I'M SORRY, BOO.

- I'M NOT SAYING WE'RE
THE BEST BAND IN THE UNIVERSE,

BUT WE ARE,
I WOULD SAY, HONESTLY,

THE BEST BAND
IN THE WORLD.

- I SHOULD WRITE
AN ARTICLE ABOUT YOU--

ANOTHER ARTICLE ABOUT YOU.

- [chuckles]

YEAH, OKAY.

HEY, CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

- SURE.
- YEAH?

DO YOU HAVE A TAB
I COULD PUT IT ON?

WAIT, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- 25.

- MARK!

BRENDANAWICZ, HEY.

WHAT'S 25 DIVIDED 2 PLUS 7?

- 19 1/2.

- OKAY, I'M OLDER THAN THAT.

WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

HEY, THIS IS MY DEAR FRIEND,
MARK BRENDANAWICZ.

- OH, WE ACTUALLY, UH, MET.

- OH, DUH!

YEAH, YOU GUYS TOTALLY
SLEPT TOGETHER.

- I'LL TAKE THAT DRINK.

- SO YOU'RE WITH ANDY NOW?

NO, THAT MAKES SENSE.

IT'S BEEN A GREAT WEEK.

- YOU KNOW WHAT'S THIRSTY?
- WHAT?

- YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

HOW THIRSTY I GET
WHEN I'M WEIRD.

- MM-HMM.
- WHEN I'M DRUNK.

BEN THE JERK IS HERE.

- WHO ARE?
- THAT ONE.

THE ONE COMING OVER HERE.
GET READY.

- OKAY, LESLIE,
BE PROFESSIONAL.

- HI.

- HELLO, BEN.

- UM, LOOK, UH,

I KIND OF FEEL LIKE
WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.

SO I JUST WANTED
TO STOP BY AND--

- YEAH, WELL, SAVE YOUR BREATH,
OKAY?

JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

BECAUSE THIS IS A PARTY
WITH MY FRIENDS,

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO FIRE
ALL MY FRIENDS.

- I--

- PLUS I JUST TALKED TO
EVERYBODY IN THIS BAR

AND NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE.

- THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN AWHILE.

- YEAH, IT DID.

YOU'RE A COLD,
CALLOUS PERSON,

AND YOU WANT TO KILL PEOPLE
WITH MACHETES.

AND ANN IS RIGHT,

I SHOULD MAKE MY OWN PLAN

SO THAT YOU CAN'T HURT US,
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

- UM, OKAY, THEN I'LL--
I'LL JUST SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- MM-HMM.
- SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

- GET OUT OF HERE.

- LESLIE,
THAT WAS SO PROFESSIONAL.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
- OW.

- I KNOW, ME TOO.
BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

I THINK I MAY HAVE MADE OUT
WITH SOMEONE LAST NIGHT.

- [laughs]
OH, NO. WHO?

- I DON'T REMEMBER.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF IT HAPPENED,

I JUST HAD THIS FEELING
WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING

LIKE I DEFINITELY
KISSED SOMEBODY.

- NO--

- HEY. ANN.

HMM.

OH, THAT WAS A CRAZY NIGHT
LAST NIGHT.

[chuckles]

- YEAH, CRAZY.

- I MEAN,
I LEFT AT 11:15

AND YOU WERE STILL RAGING
PRETTY HARD.

- OH, I WAS. I WAS.

[laughs]
GOOD.

- YEAH.
SO IT'S NOT JERRY.

- HELP ME.

- I'LL KEEP MY EAR
TO THE GROUND.

- KNOPE! MY OFFICE!

- THAT'S LOUD.
- WHY THE YELLING?

- HAVE A GOOD NIGHT
LAST NIGHT?

- NOT REALLY.

- DID YOU ENJOY YOUR SECOND
LOUD CONVERSATION WITH BEN?

THE STATE AUDITOR WHO HOLDS
YOUR VERY FATE IN HIS HANDS

LIKE A TINY BIRD.

- YOU KNOW WHAT,
HE DESERVED IT.

HE'S COLD AND UNFEELING,
AND I YELLED AT HIM.

SO WHAT?

- BELIEVE ME, I WANT
THIS GOVERNMENT CUT TO THE BONE.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU
GETTING YOURSELF FIRED,

BECAUSE THEN I'LL HAVE
TO DO STUFF.

GO APOLOGIZE.

- NO, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

ALL I DID WAS EXPRESS MYSELF,

FORCEFULLY,

DRUNKENLY.

AND I SPIT ON HIM
A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY, I'LL GO APOLOGIZE.

- MM, MM.

LESLIE, LESLIE.
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME.

- HI, YOU HAVE
A LOT OF BOTTLES THERE.

- OH, YEAH, WOULD YOU LIKE
A VITAMIN?

B12? EVENING PRIMROSE OIL?
WILLOW BARK? MAGNESIUM?

- NO, THANK YOU.
- YOU SURE?

REALLY GOOD FOR HANGOVERS.
- OKAY, I'LL TAKE ONE.

- I TAKE CARE OF MY BODY
ABOVE ALL ELSE.

DIET, EXERCISE,
SUPPLEMENTS, POSITIVE THINKING.

SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THAT
THE FIRST HUMAN BEING

WHO WILL LIVE 150 YEARS
HAS ALREADY BEEN BORN.

I BELIEVE I AM
THAT HUMAN BEING.

SO. WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE
SO EARLY?

- I'M HERE TO SPEAK TO BEN,
ACTUALLY.

- GREAT.

I'M GONNA LISTEN TO
SOME OCEAN SOUNDS

AND SO SOME CHIN-UPS.

- SO I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR YESTERDAY.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- NOW WHAT I DID
WAS OUT OF LINE. TWICE.

AND I WAS WORKED UP
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY

YOU REPRESENT A THREAT
TO MY DEPARTMENT.

- YOUR CITY COUNSEL
AND YOUR MAYOR

ARE THE THREATS
TO YOUR DEPARTMENT.

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

TO GET YOU INTO
THIS SITUATION, OKAY?

- OKAY, LOOK, BEN,

I DON'T APPRECIATE
YOUR CALLOUS ATTITUDE, OKAY?

- REALLY?
- YEAH, REALLY.

- OKAY.

- YOU MAY HOLD MY FATE
IN YOUR HANDS LIKE A SMALL BIRD,

BUT I STILL THINK
YOU'RE AN ASS.

- YOU WANNA GET A BEER?

- IT'S, LIKE,
10:30 IN THE MORNING.

- YEAH. YOU SEEM LIKE
YOU COULD USE A BEER.

LET'S GET A BEER.

- WELL--

- OH, OH, OH, OH.
DON'T KEEP HIM TOO LONG.

I NEED SOMEONE TO BE HERE
WHEN I TAKE MY MULTIVITAMIN.

THERE'S A CHOKING HAZARD.

- OKAY, CAN WE GO?

- OH, MY GOD.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING

THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT,
DO YOU?

- NO.
- WOW.

FOR ONCE, IT'S ANN
WHO BLACKED OUT DRUNK

AND NOT ANDY.

- OKAY.
- OH, MY GOSH.

THIS IS--
THAT'S REALLY DANGEROUS.

- PLEASE TELL ME.

- THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUN

LETTING YOU DANGLE
UNTIL I FINALLY REVEAL

THAT WE DID NOT MAKE OUT.

OH, [bleep].

DAMN IT.

- GOOD. SEE YA.

- ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, I NEED TO SETTLE MY BILL
FROM LAST NIGHT.

TOM HAVERFORD.

- OKAY.
[clears throat]

WOW, YOU HAD 47 DRINKS
LAST NIGHT?

TEN COSMOS,
EIGHT SMIRNOFF ICES,

AND EVERYTHING ELSE STARTS WITH
THE WORD POMEGRANATE.

AW. WAS IT
YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY?

- NO.

I INVITED A BUNCH OF GIRLS HERE
LAST NIGHT,

AND THEY ALL PUT DRINKS
ON MY TAB.

AND THEN I WENT HOME ALONE.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED.

- YOU INVITED
A BUNCH OF GIRLS HERE

AND THEN YOU TRIED TO HIT ON
ALL OF THEM.

- FAIR ENOUGH.

- I MEAN, WHAT WERE YOU
EXPECTING WAS GONNA HAPPEN,

A 43-WAY?

- THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL.

- BUT AWESOME.
- YEAH.

THE PROBLEM IS
I ONLY HAVE 15 PENISES.

SO THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN
28 GIRLS

THAT WERE REALLY UPSET
WITH ME.

[both chuckle]

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANKS.

- [clears throat]

- HEY, UH, WOULD YOU WANNA GET
A DRINK TOMORROW NIGHT?

- DOES IT HAVE TO BE HERE?
- NO.

- THEN SURE.
I'M LUCY.

LET YOU GIVE ME
MY PHONE NUMBER.

- SO I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.

- JUST NOW?
NOTHING.

- WELL, I HAD
A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.

SO ARE YOU FREE
THIS WEEKEND?

- OH, SHAUNA, LOOK, I THINK
YOU ARE A SUPER CUTE PERSON,

AND YOUR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES
ARE SO COOL,

AND THEY'RE--THEY'RE PROBABLY
VERY ACCURATE.

BUT I DON'T THINK THAT WE
SHOULD GO OUT ROMANTICALLY.

- WHY NOT?

- WELL, HONESTLY,

BECAUSE THERE'S ALREADY
A GIRL THAT I LIKE.

AND WE KIND OF HAVE A LONG
BACKSTORY OF HISTORY.

AND...I LIKE HER.

- OKAY, WELL, GOOD LUCK.

I CAN'T EVEN LAND
THE SHOESHINE GUY.

- MM.

WOW,
THAT TASTES REALLY GOOD.

- MM. HOW'S YOUR HEAD?

- MUSHY.

I'M SORRY
THAT I YELLED AT YOU.

ALL THREE TIMES.

BUT I DON'T THINK
YOU KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT MY DEPARTMENT.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PART OF
A GOVERNMENT BODY BEFORE?

- UH, I HAVE. YEAH.

IN A SMALL TOWN
CALLED PARTRIDGE, MINNESOTA.

- WHY DOES THAT SOUND
FAMILIAR?

YOU'RE BENJI WYATT?
- I AM.

WHEN I WAS 18,

I RAN FOR MAYOR OF
MY SMALL TOWN AND WON.

LITTLE BIT OF ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT
VOTER REBELLION, I GUESS.

HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH,
ABOUT 18-YEAR-OLDS.

THEY'RE IDIOTS.

SO I PRETTY MUCH
RAN THE PLACE INTO THE GROUND

AFTER TWO MONTHS
AND GOT IMPEACHED.

WORST PART WAS,
MY PARENTS GROUNDED ME.

- OH, MY GOD,
YOU WERE SO CUTE.

- OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

- WHAT WAS THAT SONG
YOU PLAYED

AT THE SWEARING-IN CEREMONY?

- WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
IS WHAT IT WAS, YEAH.

- GOD, I WAS SO JEALOUS
OF YOU.

- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.

I MEAN, IT ENDED UP
KIND OF RUINING MY LIFE.

I MEAN,
NOW I'M BALANCING BUDGETS

SO I CAN SHOW PEOPLE
I'M RESPONSIBLE,

SO I CAN RUN
FOR OFFICE AGAIN SOMEDAY

AND NOT BE LAUGHED AT,
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, YOU WANNA
RUN FOR OFFICE SOMEDAY, RIGHT?

- YEAH.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- WELL, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE
TO MAKE DECISIONS

LIKE THIS, LESLIE.

YOU HAVE TO BE HARSH,
YOU KNOW?

NO ONE'S GONNA ELECT YOU
TO DO ANYTHING

IF YOU DON'T SHOW THAT
YOU'RE A RESPONSIBLE GROWN-UP.

- YEAH.

- WELL.

- OH, NO, PLEASE,
MR. MAYOR, LET ME.

* WHOOMP! THERE IT IS

- OKAY.

- MM.

MM.

- EVERYTHING OKAY?
- HMM?

MM.

NO.

- YOU READY?
- YEAH.

- HEY, RON,
DID WE MAKE OUT LAST NIGHT?

- GOOD GOD, WOMAN, NO.

- OKAY.
WELL, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL THE MEN
THAT I KNOW.

- YOU GUYS JUST KNOCKED IT
COMPLETELY OUT OF THE PARK.

AND I APPRECIATE IT,
AND WE WILL SEE YOU LATER.

[laughs]
HEY. ANN PERKINS.

- HEY.
- HEY. WELL.

- UH, APRIL'S PARTY?
APRIL'S PARTY?

- YEAH, HEY, MAN.
HOW'S IT GOING?

- HEY.
- HEY.

COME HERE.

THERE'S NO REASON
NOT TO LOVE HIM,

BUT I--I DIDN'T.

* HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE

- I'M CALLING YOU A CAB.

- YOU KNOW, I JUST--

- MM.

MM-MM-MM, MM-MM-MM.

MM.

OKAY,
LET'S GET YOU A CAB.

GO AHEAD.
- BOO.

- FANCY THIS.

UM, LISTEN,
I HAVE MEETINGS ALL DAY,

BUT I'D LOVE TO CHAT WITH YOU;
CAN I CALL YOU?

- YOU HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER?

- NO, YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER
YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

BUT YOU GAVE ME YOUR PHONE.

- TERRIFIC.
THAT'S GREAT.

WE'LL TALK LATER.

- OKAY.
* DANGER ZONE

COME ON, GUYS.

- WE'LL TALK LATER.

YEAH, WE SHOULD HAVE
A MEETING TOO

ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED
[quietly] IN SECRET.

THIS SUGGESTED PLAN REDUCES
OUR OVERALL BUDGET BY 35%.

AND IT CONTAINS
VERY PRACTICAL DEEP CUTS

IN MANY OF OUR SERVICES.

- UH, LESLIE,
THIS IS AMAZING,

BUT IT'S MOOT.

- WHY?

- OUR INVESTIGATION
HAS REVEALED

THAT THINGS IN PAWNEE
ARE MUCH WORSE

THAN WE ANTICIPATED.

- MEANING WHAT?

- WELL, EFFECTIVE
TOMORROW MORNING,

THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT
WILL BE SHUT DOWN

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

- I'M SORRY,
I JUST STARTED HEARING

REALLY LOUD CIRCUS MUSIC
IN MY HEAD.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

* NOVEMBER,
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL *

* NOVEMBER,
YOU'RE SO SERENE *

* WALK AMONG THE CLOUDS

* AND SEE THAT YOU AND ME

* WERE MEANT TO BE

* NOVEMBER,
YOUR BANGS ARE CUTE *

* NOVEMBER,
YOUR VOICE IS A FLUTE *

* NOVEMBER

* LET'S PRETEND THE SKY
IS FOR US *

* LET'S SPREAD OUR WINGS
AND FLY ON A DATE *

* I WANNA GO ON A DATE
WITH YOU *

* NOVEMBER

THAT SONG IS ABOUT APRIL.