All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S06E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track3_[eng]

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] This programme
contains a night on the lag
boat,

a question of trust, and
a dramatic confession.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been set up purely
for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way Is
Essex."

- I think I've got
something wrong with me.

- That, or you're pregnant.

- [Lucy] Come on, dog, such a
diva!

♪ What a day this has been

♪ What a rare mood I'm in

- I know that I want you.

- I can't trust you.

- See you later, then.

[upbeat pop music]

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea

- I loved it James, I
will never forget it.

It's one of them moments
when I'm about 90,

I'm on my death bed and I go,

oh do you remember when?

- You know, I wanted you to feel
special.

I wanted to do something

that I would never do for anyone
else,

and I wanted you to, you know,

properly realise how much,
you know, you mean to me.

I didn't really expect your mum

to see the whole lot as well,

do you know what I mean?

It is a bit embarrassing,
I'm quite nervous.

- She only saw you naked, James.

You know, its not like
you burst into the door

saying, you know, "Joan, I've
got your daughter pregnant."

- Oh don't, I'm too young

to start thinking about all
that,

and not just that,
we've only just sort of,

we've only just started
going out with each other.

- Yeah, I know.

The test has come up negative,

but I still haven't had my
period yet.

- So why would you, why's
that of interest to me?

We can't even look after
fish, let alone babies.

- [Gemma] James, yes we can, I
can.

- [Arg] No, you can't,
you've left the fish

around your mom's house.

♪ Light up, spark the detonator
♪

♪ Now I'm homeward bound

♪ Way to see you later

- I told her how much I loved
her.

She accepted it, but she just
wanted a little bit of space.

- Jess had the audacity
to go into Lucy's shop

and question her trust towards
me.

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- When, obviously,
she's got her own issue.

- Yeah, she's got issues.
- I think, yeah,

but I think that's why, I
think, she then confronted me,

because she felt as if she was
telling Lucy to confront you,

and then not doing it herself,

and then started thinking,
"Fuck, I look like a hypocrite.

"I'm gonna, I need to question
him,

"I need to do it," so she did.

- Yeah, I just think, end of
day,

you've got your own
problems, focus on them.

- You've got really small dogs.

- [Mario] You're compensating.

- No I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.

- I've just got a manly dog.
- Little man with a big dog.

- No, I've just

got a nice dog.
- Big man, little dog.

- Chris, you know it's bad

when your dog's got a
bigger dick than you have.

[Mario and Ricky laughing]

- Mate, he's got a big one,
Marshall.

Eh, you like that, Bentley?
- He's gonna try

to fuck Bentley, leave him
alone!

He's too small for you!

[laughing]

[upbeat rock music]

- [Cara] Isn't that,
like, designer vagina?

- [Frankie] Oh, it does
feel nice and smooth.

- [Cara] Let me feel.

- Smells well nice.
- Oh, it smells so nice.

- [Frankie] Feels nice, doesn't
it?

You jealous?
- Little bit.

- Ahh.

Ahh!

When I was younger, I
used to shave my arms,

because I thought I had hairy
arms.

- Did you really?
- Yeah.

Haven't you ever done that
before?

- No, I've never ever,
shaved my armpits, maybe,

not my arms.
- Ow! [laughing]

I used to, and then they've
grown back really, ahh!

They've grown back really hairy.

- Do you need my hand still?

- Your hand's so--
- You done?

- No, oh, Cara.

Looks well better though,
doesn't it?

- They've done it nice, to be
fair.

- Look at the difference.

Look at this arm, yeah?

Then look at this arm.

- That one looks like a chicken.

- [Frankie] Just like one big
freckle.

- [Cara] Bit like Billie.

- Yeah, aw, Billie.

- When she finds out about
what Arg's done for Gemma,

she is gonna piss her pants.

- I know, he's got a lot of fun.

I feel sorry for the fish and
all, what they had to see.

- Hey, I didn't know boys got
cellulite until I saw Arg.

- Put on a bit of weight,
and all, didn't he?

- I give her, they're
a good little couple.

They bounce off each other.
- They do.

- But, she doesn't want
it to be every week

that Arg is coming round,

doing things that act to
apologise

for the ways he's been behaving.

- You can't, I mean,

bloody hell, next time
he'll probably be naked.

Ah!

[upbeat electronic music]

- Everyone cheats, like
all the time round here.

Like, I've been cheated on, I
admit I've cheated on people.

I'm not going to be with someone

if there's, like,
literally an inch of doubt.

- I personally, I don't
think Ricky cheated on you.

I don't think so, just for the
fact

that every time you were
together

you were proper loved up.

Not every boy cheats.

- But like, it's like a
relationship,

you have to work at it.

I think all relationships are
hard,

whether you're in Essex or not.

I think it's hard, and I
think if you've got doubts,

if you trust him and you do love
him

and you want a future,
it's one of those things

where you've gotta believe
in him and not other people.

- Do you know what I mean?

- [Joey] Don't, if you have
doubts,

then there's obviously something
wrong.

- There is always that saying as
well,

innocent until proven guilty.

- Yeah, oh, to top it off as
well,

my hair is really getting on my
nerves.

You know how like, I was called
bald?

Well obviously, I am not going
bald.

I've got a small bald patch
under here

that's not even bald anymore
'cause it's sort of grown

from where someone pulled it
out.

- Yeah, it's annoying.
- So I'm gonna get it sorted.

You can get, like, this
laser brush to put on it,

like solution, tablets,
vitamins.

- It just promotes it,

and makes it grow quicker.

- Was it Lauren that ripped it,
wasn't it?

- Yeah, I just wanna
put all that behind me.

[gentle soul music]

- Oh, I am so tired.

I just haven't slept
for a couple of nights

- Why?

- Just worrying about them fish.

How are you gonna look after
them, Gemma?

How are you gonna give the
time to devote to them fish?

- They're fish, they've got
a one brain second span,

so they forget every second.

- Well that doesn't mean to
say that you can kill them.

You've got to look after them.

- It's not a baby, mom, they're
fish.

James brought them for me, mom.

- Well you should both do it
together.

- Nah, I have just bought
them, I've got nothing,

I'm not having no responsibility
for them,

I've just given them to her as a
present.

- See, and we've just got
rid of our pond, Gemma,

and I don't really wanna
take on any more fish.

- They're kissing fish as well,

they always kiss each other and
stuff.

- I haven't seen them kiss yet.

- I think I might need to
apologise

about what you had to see the
other night.

I mean, I don't think anyone

should've had to have
seen that. [laughing]

- Oh, that's all right,
James, I'm used to it.

Nothing ever shocks me in life.

- You're used to it?

What, you've had that done
to you before? [laughing]

- Well, no, but nothing ever
shocks me.

- You weren't impressed with
what you saw?

- [Joan] No, not really.

[Joan and Arg laughing]

[upbeat pop music]

- [Lucy] I'm actually
gonna go and see her later.

- Are you?

- Yeah, I think the whole thing,

Lyd's just gone on for so long,

and like, it was one of them
rows,

and we were both just
throwing stuff at each other,

like trying to protect
ourselves,
do you know what I mean?

And like, I just can't
be bothered with it now.

I like Sam.

I don't wanna have a row with
her,

so I'm just gonna go and
try and sort it all out.

- [Bobby] Hello, girls.

- There he is,

queen of hearts.
- Hi Bob, how are you?

- Yeah, good, thanks.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

- No, no, but I've actually
gotta go, Bob.

So it was lovely to see you.

- Oh, and you, honey.

- I've just gotta pop to my shop
quickly.

- Right, good luck.

- See you later!
- Nice to see ya, hon.

- Speak to you later Lyd.

- Bye, Luce.
- Bye, Bob.

- [Lydia] How are you, Bob?

- Really good, you, hon?

- I'm good.

What are you up to tonight?

- [Bobby] Nothing tonight,
quiet one I think.

- Really?

- All the Olympics innit, taking
over,

there's no soaps on telly.
- No,

there's nothing going on.

Well, I was gonna say,

do you fancy coming round later?

- Love to.

- And Charlie, bring Charlie
along, yeah?

And we'll have a little
girly night in, want it?

- Bobby's night, love it.

- Wicked, mwah.
- Perfect.

- I'll see you later.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Keeping your eyebrows
under control today?

[both laughing]

- What are you talking about?

- Your eyebrows, they're just

like that the whole time,
they get, they get--

- It's because I've got big
eyes, they look like that.

- No, every time you start to
speak,

they just get higher
and higher and higher,

[laughing] until they
just merge into your hair.

- Well, they're not now, now
I'm just talking normally.

- Still a bit raised. [laughing]

- They're not raised.
- Come down,

come bring them down to normal
level.

Bring them down to like, sea
level.

Wow, that's, now you're going...

[both laughing]

You just look angry.

- How's the exercise bike going
anyway, you chubby fucker?

[both laughing]

You don't look like you've
lost any weight at all.

You look like you've put
on, like, half a stone

since last time I seen you,

and I saw you about an hour ago.

- Not half a stone, fucking
hell, half a,

[both laughing]

to be fair, I've got my exercise
bike,

but you get all your exercise
from LG now, don't you?

[both laughing]

- No, what do you mean?

- "No, what do you mean?"

From banging the Goodge.

- No, she ain't the sort of girl

that would just sleep with
you on the first date.

Enough about me, mate.

The sort of girls you've been
banging,

you need to go and get tested.

- Yeah, I know.

[both laughing]

- You could offer to go.

- No, no, no, it's not a
difficult choice to make,

it's safer to go and checked
than not.

And say I'm gonna start
seeing someone properly.

Then I'd want--
- You started to see

this girl proper, now, are you?

- Yeah, I wanna get
checked, like for sure.

- Do you want me to come with
you?

- Obviously, I don't wanna go on
my own.

- Oh, so you're gonna go get
like,

proper blood testing done?

- No.
[Tom P laughing]

You have to get a blood test?

- Yeah, well, if you
get the full works done,

you get a blood test done.

They put a needle in your arm.

You're shit scared of needles,
aren't you?

- Aw, fuck that, mate.
[laughing]

I'll leave that one out.

- Or you can just do the one

where they stick the cotton
ball up your [whistles]

and you go, [whistling]

- Hey, what's it called?
- I'm gonna use him

as a stool, mate, here we go.

- Eh, fuck off.

[Mario groaning]

It's a three grand stool, then.

- Ain't it your birthday soon,
Chaz?

- It is, mate, big 2-7.

- Any plans?
- 2- 7, oh man.

You're getting old, ain't ya?
- He's getting old.

- I kind of just want
a good lad's night out.

I want to get smashed, plenty of
birds,

get a kebab, because come
on, I've never had a kebab.

- He's never had a kebab?

- I haven't had a lot of
things, if I'm honest with you.

Never really got totally
smashed.

- Have you even had a hangover
before?

- [Charlie] Nah.

[all laughing]

- Nah.
- Nah! [laughing]

- Maybe a bit of a headache,

but I've never had that
proper thing where, you know,

you get that urge for greasy
food

or whatever it is people say,

I've never had that.

- Well you need it, mate, trust
me.

It's the best feeling,

once you get that chip,
bean, sausage, egg,

all over your face, mate.

- [Charlie] Yeah.

- Trust me.
- Bean juice.

- That's the one time,
that's the one time as well,

your whole life you do not
give a shit about birds.

The fittest bird could walk
past you when you're hungover,

you'll be like, huh?

[all laughing]

- [Ricky] Yeah, you just don't
care.

- Have you ever been to
strippers?

- Never been to a strip joint in
my life.

- [Tom] You've never been
to a strip club ever?

- [Ricky] No problem.

- Rick's been to one.
[all laughing]

- I have never experienced oral
sex.

- Really not?
- Nah.

- Wow.

- Well I can't help you with
that.

[all laughing]

- Behave!
[Mario laughing]

I've just worked for like,
the last five, six years,

seven days a week, 12 hour days.

That's what the catering game
does to you.

I just went into my own little
cocoon, and I never came out.

But now, obviously, I
hang around you boys,

it's time to- -
- It's time to come out.

- Yeah, everything before I'm
30.

- The things we'll do to you
tonight,

you're not allowed to do when
you're 30.

- [Ricky] The things
we're gonna do? [laughing]

- Things that have done to you.

- Mario!
[all laughing]

Things we're gonna do

to you tonight!
- We're all good friends!

- I think, ah, here he
comes, here he comes,

what the- -
- Get that thing off my couch!

- He's climbing, he's climbing.

- No, Tom! [laughing]

Tom, no, Tom, no, get him off.

- Get off!
- Tom, all right.

- I'm giving you the bill.
- No, no, take this one.

- I'm giving you the bill.
- Take this one,

take this one.
- He's framing me!

Get him off! [laughing]

- So which one goes up,
this one, or that one?

- This one starts flying up,

like you get a string, and you--

- Here he is.

- Hey bro cats.
- Sitting down?

[all hissing]

- [Tom P] Oh, I got you a
milkshake.

Where you been anyway?

You're late.

- I was over at Sam's house.

She's talking with
Billie and Jess tonight,

because Jess has got a few
doubts about Ricky or something.

I don't even know the full
thing.

I'm a bit confused by it myself.

I really don't think Ricky would
cheat.

I don't think he's like that,
personally.

He wouldn't do that, man.

He likes her.

I'm going to Diag to
getting his dick checked.

You going to come?

- What, you doing the pisser
umbrella?

Hold the piss, are you
doing that one, seriously?

- I've told him it's
like well bad, isn't it?

- It's not that bad, is it?

You haven't had that done?

Better to be safe than sorry.

- I reckon you'll be alright
anyway.

Hopefully, touch wood.

[upbeat music]

- I can't believe you
said to her I'm a pain

in the ass though.

- You are a pain in the ass.

- No I'm not!

- I'd be lying if I didn't say
you wasn't a pain in the ass.

- Why am I a pain in the ass?

- Because you are a pain in the
ass.

- I'm actually an angel,
and do you know what?

You wouldn't have me any
other way, would you?

- No I would.

- Haven't seen you for a months.

Last I seen you was in Marbella.

- It's because I've been
all loved up, ain't I?

- Everyone's kind of
moving on, aren't they?

- Everyone's moving on,
everyone's getting on with
things.

- Is that a new chapter
of everyone's life?

If thirty days is somewhat
of a relationship,

just go out on a few dates.

- Everyone's happy for you
Lauren, do you know what I mean?

Everyone's happy for you,

and everyone wants you to
be with someone, you know?

- And he's a nice boy.

- Exactly, he's a nice boy.

So good for you.

- Seeing him later.

- Oh are you?

- Come and join us if you want.

- No, that's alright.

- Say goodbye.

- I've seen enough of you today.

No, I'm going to go see Gemma
later.

- Nice, alright.

- The reason why she was
crying so much, so emotional,

is because she potentially
might have been pregnant.

- Shut up.

Are you joking?

- I know, tell me about it.

But the thing is she said that,

you know, she's done a test now
Lauren.

She's not going to be pregnant,
is she?

- Doesn't always mean,
because they're always right.

You should do another one
I think, just to be sure.

- Yeah, but Lauren what
would I do, seriously?

If she was pregnant, what would
I do?

- Well, I was in the
situation a long time ago.

Obviously with Mark,
and I had a termination.

And that's because at that
time, I wasn't an adult myself.

I wasn't, I couldn't look after
a baby.

So it's such a serious thing,

and I think that you really
need to think about it.

- Bloody hell, I'm getting
nervous now.

I mean, obviously, I love
Gemma to bits, you know?

I don't know.

- [Sam] Just getting ready to go
out.

- It will only take 10
minutes, is that alright?

- Yeah, do you want a cup of
tea?

- No, no I'm fine

So I'm guessing you know why
I have come round to see you.

Just obviously the argument at
the party,

at the engagement party think,
I think we all had a bit

to drink, was all a bit
tired, well I was anyway,

and it all just escalated

into something it didn't need to
be,

but I think it's the fact
that you brought up something

that I confided in you
like a few months before.

I think that's what,
that's what kicked it off,

that's what upset me.

- Yeah, but that's
something you have told me,

and I took it in and didn't tell
a soul,

next time you say something like

that you should just
deal with it with Mario,

and not get other people
involved,

because then I think I am being
a friend,

and then the next minute I'm the
enemy.

- It wasn't, I didn't want,

it not about getting
someone involved, Sam.

You are a friend and I'm
in the toilets talking

to you about it.

And you knew I was engaged,

and I didn't get a message or a
call,

and I don't know if that because

of what you said to the girls,

but you didn't ring me or
nothing

so I just thought it's a bit
weird.

- I know, I knew you and
Mario are good together,

but at the same time
there is so many rumours

about everyone in Essex
and it is so annoying.

I just think from now onwards
this whole thing has happened

in the past with the argument,

and I think we should
just agree to disagree,

because we're not really
gonna agree with it all,

but I do want to move forward.

- But it's not, no, but
it's not agree to disagree,

because I don't believe the
rumours about you and Joey,

and do you believe the rumours
about us,

because I don't think you do
deep down.

- Well I don't think like, you
know what you done ages ago,

and you've moved forward from
that,

and I don't believe you have
done anything

to be un-loyal and dis-faithful
to Mario,

but at the same time I do think

before you got engaged Mario
wasn't

being the best boyfriend he
could be.

- What are these rumours
that you are referring to?

- Just about like Mario
with someone in Essex,

who I don't even know personally

as a friend and that was that,

and it was before you got
engaged

and it was before Marbella.

- Who?

- If it was more recent, I don't
know.

I don't know who it is.

- So someone has come up to you

and said that Mario has slept
with someone from Essex?

- Yeah

- Okay

- But this is before.

- I don't, I don't believe it
anyways.

- Exactly, so that's why
I am saying we should

it should just be left
because there is no point

in me saying it when you two,

you're not gonna believe
me and you trust Mario now.

Well I want you to know that I
am happy

that you are engaged
and you are my friend,

and I don't want us to
fall out anymore over it.

Okay?

- Okay.

Oh you know I'm not a
hugger Sam. [Lucy laughs]

- Oh hello.

- You alright chicks?

- Hi Gem, you all right?
- Yeah, all good.

- How are ya?

- Yeah, good, bit more up beat
this week.

- Oh really?

- Well a lot more upbeat, yeah.

But what are you two up to
today?

- Getting a new bum.

- I thought you had it done

- No, what happened was
I thought I would try

the subtle route first,

but it was so subtle because
I didn't have a lot of fat

to do it with.

- Well do you want some of mine?

- Yeah, you can't use
other peoples, I asked.

Yeah, you can't, you
body rejects it somehow.

- So what is it just like,

because I think you've got a
lovely bum.

- No, but Gem, I haven't got a
bum,

that's the point and I want one.

But he only problem is that
you can have the incision from

you know when like, I bet you've
got it,

on nice bums, you know under
the cheek you have the line.

- Yes.

- Right, you can go there
but I ain't got that line,

because I ain't got an
arse, so they've got to go

in the crack.

- How you meant to go to the
toilet?

- I know, I'll have to squat.

- You're not gonna wanna to go

for a number two.

- Well I've got to go in two
weeks.

I can't not go.

I can, I can go for a week
without going.

- Yeah, but when that urge
comes you going to be like-

- You'll just have to hover.

- That you two are really
freaking me out now.

The line might not be really
where the poo comes out.

- To me I think you're
absolutely lovely.

Like, I wouldn't change a thing
about you,

and you know I'm like, I'm not
massively

into the surgery thing.

I've not had it done, you know?

Sometimes I think "Oh, if I
could change that, change that,

"then you would.

- But you never do it?

- No, I'm just too scared.

I think what if some bad
infection after and die.

I'll sit there thinking
was it all worth it?

- Well you won't because you'll
be dead.

[all laugh]

- The old carrot diet is kicking
in then.

- Aww thank you, but I'll be
honest I've knocked the carrots

on the head now, now I am
just doing an egg diet,

because I am boiling
up about 7 eggs a day.

I eating them.

- You know eggs can bind
you up though, don't you?

- What do you mean?

- Constipate you.

- Oh no.

- You need to try and get a
balanced diet.

Too much mate.

- I'm going round Lyd's for a
little bit

of a girly night, gonna have
take away, bottle of wine.

I was gonna invite you.

- Oh man.

Mario is organising a night out
for us.

- So when, when was all this
arranged.

You ain't told me nothing.

- Well it is something I just
wanna do,

like the boys wanna organise it,

and they've kind of taken
control,

and they'll like show
you a good night out.

- Oh right.

Just seems to be like your
trying

to be a bit like a boy
now, and I kinda think why.

Like, I don't get it?

- What?

- Now you're just clearly goin'
out

with the boys and like fuck Bob.

- Are you being, are you being
for real?

- Yeah, I am.

Because I kinda feel I knew
nothing

about this, like you're going
out.

- That ain't the case at all.

Literally, I've just come from
their flat,

and they said what do you want
to do,

and I'm like I just have lad's
night.

Hence I'm bumping into you,

you're more than welcome to
come.

You don't even need an
invitation.

You're my best pal.

Like we wouldn't-

- Well it just seems like
this has all been arranged,

and I'm finding out like now.

- I have just asked you
what you are doing tonight,

thinking you'll probably be
around, like you usually are,

and we'll go out for a lads
night.

Don't get an attitude with me
Bobs.

- So all the boys just happened

to be sitting round Mario's then
today.

- They've been walking their
dogs,

and I popped round there to see,

you know chill out with them.

I'm trying to make friends.

This is what I'm trying to do.

They have invited me out.

It's natural that I would
want you to come as well.

You are my pal.

- All I'm saying is while
you've all been sitting

around discussing it you
could of properly text me

when you had arranged it,

but I don't wanna fall
out with you over it.

- No, but I don't like
this sensitive side to you.

It's ridiculous, it's stupid.

- Do you know what, you fucking
crack on.

You go and be a boy for the
night,

and I'll fucking see you around.

- Are you being for real?
- Piss off.

- So when you gonna update
your Facebook status?

- To what?

- Just update it to something
like it's complicated

or something like that.

This isn't complicated, is it?

- Not really.

I feel like comfortable around
you.

The more I'm seeing you the
more I'm getting used to you.

- But before you went on a
date with me was it a long time

since you last relationship?

- Yeah, because I've never
really seen another boy.

- Never?

- No.
- Really?

It's weird, isn't it?

It's a big step.

- Here they are, look, proper
geezers.

- Oh, my god.

- What's happening?
- What's happening boys?

- What's happening geezers?
- What's up geezer?

- We're drinking beers are
we, because we're geezers.

- First of all, how was the
cinema?

Where is the pop?

- Sick date.

- Sick dates, man!

- I'm the king of dates what can
I say?

- So what, you reckon you
two will get married or what?

- [Tom P] The fuck you talking
about?

- [Diags] When you moving
in with each other?

- [Joey] We're Tom's best mates.

We want to find out
what's going on, alright?

- Is Tom a good kisser?

- He's alright.

[boys groan]

- Is he good in bed?

- Shut up, Diags!

- Oh, just tell me.

Have you two done it
with each other in bed?

- No.

- You mean to tell me not even a
little...

[whistle]

- [Diags] Just want to
know if you've had sex.

- [Joey] Basically, just want to
know

if you've had sex or not.
- Not yet.

- Really, these two?
- Why are you asking this?

- I think he's too scared.
- It's romantic.

I putting on y'all so you both

in a very awkward
situation so you both look

at each other and tell
each other the truth.

♪ Send my wishes on

- Jess, Ricky's here.

You alright?

- Yeah, you alright?
- Will you be alright?

- Yeah.
- Alright, see you later.

- Bye

- You okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, I'm all right.

I'm going out with the boys
in a bit but I wanted to,

oh don't give me that face.

- I don't care, I'm joking.

I'm going out with the girls
anyway.

- No, but I just wanted
to come around before,

see if you was alright.

Talk to you really.

- So you are making it up to me

by going out with you mates?

- No, I am not making it up to
you

by going out with my mates,
but that was already planned,

you know I'm not going to be
the one to let the boys down.

- Like I think obviously
we're still together.

In a relationship, trust
is a massive thing to me,

and I think that the minute
you over step the mark,

the minute you're messaging
another girl

or you know it's going
to far then I'll be gone.

- If you was to text another
boy I wouldn't stick around,

it would be the same so it's
not like anything different,

but I'm not like texting any
one.

The only person I text is you or
my mom.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Pretty sure we're going to get
through it.

As much as I hate it, I
don't want to leave you,

but I will be back tonight.

- You have a good night.

Have fun.

- Oh Lydia Italia's calling for
you.

We've got sand, sea,
and we've got millions

of Mario look-a-likes.

[doorbell rings]

- Wait there, mom, two seconds.

- I'll drink my wine
then, while I'm waiting.

- [Lydia] Come on in Bob.

- [Bob] Cheers babe.

- [Lydia] Do you want a glass of
wine?

- [Bob] Large one, please hon.

- Has it been one of those days?

- I've had the worst day, Lyd.

- [Debbie] Are you there Bobby?

- Oh my god, Debbie, hello!

What are you doing in there?

- Are you looking after
my Lydia Rosebrights?

- Oh, I am completely
looking after Lydia, babes.

- [Debbie] I don't need to
fly home then and kill James?

- No don't fly home and kill
him.

All under control.

- [Lydia] We're gonna go now.

We're gonna order some food,
alright?

Bye!
- Bye Deb!

- Oh, I've hung up on her.

Oh Bob I miss her so much.

- What a lovely surprise to
her pop up on the computer.

What we eating?

- What do you fancy?

I was thinking sushi?

- I can't eat anything out of
the sea.

- [Lydia] Curry?

- Bit carb-errific and I'm
not doing carbs at the moment.

We could have a Chinese, and
although there's a bit of carbs

in special fried rice,
there's a lot of meat,

so it's more protein than carbs.

- Perfect.

- Chinese?
- Let's get Chinese.

[upbeat music]

- My eyes are watering.

- [Male] You haven't even
finished it yet.

- [Ricky] That was disgusting
mate.

- Who's up for a rematch, round
two.

- Round two, I'll get it.

- Shots!

- Shots, get in!

- As captain of the lag
boat, are you enjoying it?

- Yes sir.

Just pace me all right.

- [Ricky] No pacing, we're
going full speed ahead.

Trust me, there's no brakes.

- You've got to hammer it home,
hammer it.

- [Charlie] Yeah, but I
want to survive alright.

No, you don't want to
survive that's the point

of a boys night out, you don't
survive.

You wake up in an ambulance all
right?

- I'm sipping this all right,
simple.

- There's no, no, you're not.

- You do what we say.

You're not sipping any beers.

If you want to be with
us you've got to join us.

This is nothing.

- But I don't understand
why all you girls are messy.

You always seems to fall
out like the water's dirty,

or something.

- This ain't in the water.
- This ain't in the water.

- I was round Sam's house
earlier on and Jess was there.

- And she was talking about
like,

I don't know someone pulled
out her hair or something,

but I just think it is so silly.

Why are you always arguing?

- That was fucking ages ago,
weren't it?

- What?

Are you actually having a laugh?

I want to laugh that's
the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard.

- She's just a bit upset
obviously.

Where it's little a bit hasn't
grown back,

and she has to keep covering
it up and she might,

she might do something about it.

- What the hair thing, ages ago?

- So she's blaming me?
- Well I think so.

- [Lauren G] Oh my god.

- Why?

- Frankie was there and
knows she started on me,

and she can't go round slagging
me off,

talking about me, making it out

that she is completely
innocent when she's not.

- She weren't, she weren't.

Can I just say she
weren't slagging you off?

She was just saying I
think because of her hair

and that's it.

I don't want to get involved.

- She can't say that,
Jess, Jessica, at the end

of the day if someone pulled her
hair out,

it would grow back, she
has problems with her hair

and that's why she's gotta
go and get it sorted,

and you can't blame me for that.

- I don't wanna get involved.

- Well she ain't that exactly
innocent.

There is something you should
know.

- What?

- I really wish at the moment,

I kind of had a boyfriend,
who to do this with, you know?

- A take away night.

- I love a take away night.

- Don't you think it's a bit
funny though,

how like Charlie and Tom
have all gone out tonight?

- Yeah, on this boys night.

I'm a little bit annoyed about
it all, Lyds, if I'm honest.

- Why?

- Well, I bumped in to Chaz
today,

and he said they was all going
out,

and he said do you want to
come and I was like well no.

I'm going to see Lyd,
we're having a girls night,

but it thought you've gone
and made all these plans

and not invited me.

- I don't think that he would
have meant it intentionally.

- I'm really starting to notice

how much Charlie is changing
though

and it is literally to try
and fit in with other people.

I don't want him, and no
disrespect to any of the guys,

but I don't want him to kinda
turn

into a stereotypical bloke
because,

Charlie will loose his charm.

There's something very
beautiful about that man.

- Yeah.

- Like caught my eye.

- Yeah really?

- Yeah pretty, I like the
curvaceous type.

A little bit of junk in that
trunk.

- Sounds like every man
likes a bit of boobage,

a bit of bum.

- It's all about the eyes for me
though.

- See I don't ever talk
to a girl with the eyes.

I'm looking down, I'm seeing
what else they've got to offer.

Unless they are taller than
me and then I'm like that,

but then I don't really like
going with taller girls.

- I've been thinking about
asking Lyd's

to move in with me.

- You've got to prepare yourself
to be aggravated to hell.

The toilet seat is always down,
like you'll be sitting there

brushing your teeth and she'll
walk in and take a shit.

Sex life is better, before
me and Lucy moved out,

she'll kill me for telling you
this,

we're having sex and my mom
walks in,

didn't knock on the door, walks
in

with the washing basket and
starts putting my washing away.

I was literally balls
deep in Lucy, I was going.

- But you need to show the King,

you need to be the King of the
jungle,

you need to just pounce on
your prey and just penetrate.

- Okay.

- Penetrate, penetrate.

Penetrate like a panda.

- Well we're here and anything
can happen,

you know this is my jungle.

- Yeah, exactly, start pouncing
yeah.

- Well you know the night
after me and you kissed.

She has obviously found out.

She messaged me like, nothing,

nothing like really bad but
like quite flirty messages,

and she's going out with Ricky.

Surely that's like and
I was messaging her back

to see how she was going to
react to it.

- When was this?

- The day after we kissed,

the morning after Joe's party
thing.

The morning of your birthday.

- Has she text you since?

Did you reply?

- Yeah I replied yeah.

Well I'll show you.

Obviously. I flirted back here.

- Not really, you haven't.

- Can I just say something?

No offence to you Lauren,
but it don't even matter

if you two are seeing each
other.

The whole thing is theirs with
each other.

- Yeah, this Jess, I have
known for a long time,

and she is clearly a cheat.

She's a cheat.

And how dare, I would never

in a million years
message Ricky, like yeah.

She knows I like you and like
she's trying

to message you and stuff,

and I just think that is out of
order.

- Well imagine what Ricky's
going to do when he finds

out she's messaging you.

- I feel sorry for Ricky, to be
fair like,

do you know what I mean?

I think one minute she was
seeing you.

Now she's seeing Ricky
and now she's texting you.

Do you know what I mean, she
acts like,

she's the oldest one
out of all of us as well

and it's like I don't
get, I just don't get it.

- I know what you mean, I
know where you're coming from.

- You two always rival with each
other.

- [Lauren G] No, I don't want a
rivalry.

- She wants the rivalry.

- [Lauren G] She does, she's a
weirdo, she needs to grow up.

- [Joey] Once a cheat, always a
cheat.

- But the thing is you can't
even sort of say she done it

in a jokey way because we ain't
exactly good mates are we?

It's not like banter or-

- Well you can tell it's a
flirty message,

and you can see she's a
flirt from the messages.

It's a flirty thing.

- For a little while I don't
feel like I have been able

to be myself.

And to say, to say certain
things.

- To who?

- To anyone really.

I have just felt so confused
lately,

like having these little down
days,

and I'm getting all
emotional, a little bit teary

about things.

And I know I shouldn't
be, and I have not wanted

to tell anyone because I am
embarrassed and ashamed I guess.

- You're a 26, 27 year old man.

You've never been out and got
fucked

and had a fucking kebab.

This is your final initiation.

- I don't need cutlery for what
I am just

about to get myself involved in.

- Chris might not need one
because he is a cave man.

Are you ready?

- Oh no.

- Oh that's juicy.

- That's disgusting man.

- Are you having a laugh?

- Have you got any water?

- Nah, not your sort of cup of
tea?

- Nah, nah, nah, look.

- I can't eat that.

- I've got your hair.

- That's disgusting man.
- Are you all right?

- Admittedly it is not
everyone's taste,

but it's something for me.

- You know when something's
on your mind and eats away,

and I've not spoke to anyone
about it,

but I kind of want to
talk to you about it.

I,

since kind of Marbella have
realised that

in certain situations I'm
getting jealous about things,

which I shouldn't be
getting jealous about.

Which makes me feel like I'm
un-loyal to people close to me.

- Oh Bob.

- There was a day at the beach,

and I kind of was just
reading my 50 Shades,

and just out of the corner
of my eye I looked over

and saw him like with a hostess,

under an umbrella, like kissing
and my first instinct was,

I wanted to go over there and
rip her cheap hair extensions

out of her head.

I'm realising how I feel and
all my emotions are coming

to the surface and this whole
double life.

I feel like I'm on one
hand Bobby, the friend.

And then kind of when
I'm behind closed doors,

I'm Bobby, the heartbroken.

- [Lyd] So what are you trying
to say?

- That I've,

I've realised now that
I have fallen in love

with Charlie.

[piano music]

[boys singing]

[trumpets blare]

- [Narrator] Next time on
"The Only way Is Essex."

Will Tom P's eyebrows threaten

to leave unless they get paid
more?

- Your eyebrows, everytime
you speak they just

get higher and higher until
eventually just merging

with your hair.

- [Narrator] Will Big Mark
continue to state the obvious?

- Jess, Ricky's here.

- [Narrator] And will
Tom K continue to enjoy

it doggy style?

- He's climbing, he's climbing.

- [Narrator] Who knows,
these people are real,

and anything can happen on
"The Only Way Is Essex."

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now