All language subtitles for American Housewife (2016) - S04E02 - Bed, Bath & Beyond our Means (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

Whoa. A banana hanger.

Did we win the lottery?

Now that we've been
a two-income family for a while,

we can finally replace
the stuff that's falling apart

and enjoy a few luxuries.

Oh, yeah. Those 'nanas
gonna be heck-a-ripe.

- Mm-hmm.
- It is nice not worrying

about every dollar we spend, for once.

Whoa.

- New can opener.
- That's right!

Goodbye, old can opener
that only opens cans halfway

so you have to pry the lid open
with a knife.

Goodbye, knife we ruined opening cans.

And look, we finally have art

that wasn't made by the kids.

Say hello to the painting

that says "family" in five languages.

I love it. Let's hang it.

You'll have to do it without me.

I have to go into work
to talk to Whitney.

It's Sunday.

And why do you have to go
in the office to meet with her?

Isn't she always on speakerphone?

Yeah. It's dumb. This whole job is dumb.

You used to like party planning.

For a second.

It was a fun way to make money,

and I liked people that I hate

telling me what a good job I did.

But now it's crushing my soul.

Guess that's the price you pay

if you want to hang your bananas.

Gross. Leave that talk in the bedroom.

Thanks for working so hard.
It means a lot to your family.

And your familia, famille,

famiglia, and your mischpokhe.

What is that?

Nothing.

Are you wearing a bracelet?

You're gonna be late for work.

Are you auditioning to be
the cute one in a boy band?

I don't want to talk about it!

Katie, just let the guy
wear a bracelet.

You're not going to, are you?

No.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Oliver, you want to play
the Game of Life?

No. You guys play.

I already lost the real version.

What's wrong?

My dream of getting into Harvard
is officially dead.

I can't dance,
so I plan on padding my résumé

with some BS volunteer work.

That sounds like a good idea.

But look at me.

I can't plant trees,

deliver meals, build habitats.

All I can do is sit.

My life is over.

You have lots going for you.

You're ambitious, your grades are great.

Plus, you're a sophomore.

You have time to build up your résumé.

You want to feel better, look at Taylor.

Yeah, yeah!

She's the one that should be depressed.

She's graduating this year,

and the girl's got nothing going on.

And even if she does
somehow go to college,

Mom and Dad gave her
a long list of life skills,

and she can't even
fill the car with gas.

That's not true. I filled it.

I hate that list!

I'm never gonna survive
outside this house

if I can't do anything!

This is what happens

when everyone gets
participation trophies.

- Katie.
- Hi, Kevin.

What kind of stupid ice sculpture

do I have to order for this dumb party?

Whitney cannot see you like this.

You are too underdressed for the office.

I know she has the place
wired with cameras,

but I've got it covered.

When she calls in,
I'll be sitting at my desk,

wearing this blazer.

But Whitney will know because...

Hello, Katie.

Hi, Whitney!

Why are you talking into a speakerphone?

You know, I'm not sure
how much time you allocate

for getting ready in the morning,

but you might want to double it.

In my defense, I have worked
here for more than a year,

and this is the first time
that I have laid eyes on you.

I suppose that would explain

Kevin's lack of
professional attire, as well.

You bought this for me.

As a razz, Kevin.

Now, I'm in town for only one week,

and I'm trusting you
to throw a very special party

for my most important client.

Martha Stewart?

Better. My favorite nephew, Joshua.

Okay.

Well, what kind of ice sculpture
would he like?

No, no. Eh, the party's not for Joshua.

He wants to throw a party for Lizzie.

And Lizzie is?

His iguana.

I'm throwing a party for a reptile?

Of course!

I once threw a party

for Bitsy Wellington's favorite purse.

Steely Dan played. It was magical.

Oh, Katie.

I have so much to teach you.

Is this going to end soon?

This is more eye contact
than I keep with my husband.

I'm counting on you, Katie.

Come on, you.

As long as you're wearing
your ditch-digging clothes,

come to my house.

I have to move my animal cemetery.
I'm putting in a pool.

Am I actually throwing a party
for a Westport lizard?

Uh-huh.

Kevin! Now!

- Thank you, Kevin.
- For what?

For showing me
that as bad as my life is,

yours is worse.

And the craziest part is,

it's not even the iguana's birthday.

It's a party, "just because"!

You should quit.

I thought about it. A lot.

I have a whole quitting fantasy
worked out in my head.

All I need is a boom box...

- A baseball bat...
- And an industrial fan.

Yeah, we've heard this before.
Why don't you just do it?

Well, Greg's happy

because now, with my salary,

we're finally able
to put some money aside.

Money aside?

Is that something the poors do?

Like family game nights and voting?

And Greg is going through
something right now.

What do you mean?

He's started wearing a leather bracelet.

- How fun.
- Oh!

- That is fun.
- Cool.

I see you nudging each other
under the table.

Uh...

No wife should have to go through this.

This is very upsetting,

but maybe he's just
trying something new.

Yeah, like when
you started saying "Peace out."

You tried it, we ignored it,
and then it went away.

And you should do
the same thing with Greg.

She's right. You only need to worry

if it starts to escalate,

then you shut it down.

Ugh. Gotta go.

Lizzie's tail fell off,

so we're meeting about ways
to hide it for pictures.

Catch you on the flip-side.

- Stop it.
- No.

What are we gonna do today?

We're gonna help cheer up
Taylor and Oliver.

They're two white kids in America.

What do they have to be sad about?

Stand down, Franklin.

This isn't your podcast.

We need to help them.

What do you think would cheer them up?

- What about we...
- Can't be the movie "Soapdish."

Sally Field is an American treasure.

There are other ways, Franklin!

Hey, Taylor.

Franklin does great impressions.
You want to see one?

Did you eat?

Did you eat?

Did you eat? Did you eat?

Who is that supposed to be?

- My Aunt Linda.
- That is spot-on.

It's like she's in the room.

Do your Uncle Al next.

Linda!

The help is stealing from us!

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Inconceivable.

You keep using that word.

I do not think it means
what you think it means.

Bleh! Bleh!

Bleh! Bleh!

Nothing worked.

What do we do now?

When my mom
had a bad case of the sadsies,

the only thing that helped her

was talking to the counselor
at her church.

Of course. Good idea, Franklin.

Time to get God involved.

Religion can be very helpful
when used as a tool,

but when it's a crutch...

Not your podcast, Franklin.

This is the most ridiculous party

I've ever had to throw.

I don't know how much longer
I can do this.

You are the strongest person I know,

and not just because
you always open jars for me.

Emotionally.

You put up with a lot, but remember,

you're really good at what you do,

and everyone in town knows it.

Thank you.

I appreciate tha...

Are you wearing bacon socks?

No.

Okay.

I let the bracelet go.

I didn't say a word...

to your face.

But now it's escalating,

and I know
you don't want to talk about it,

but you and I both know

that there is bacon on your socks.

What the hell is going on?

I don't know.

It kind of started after
Professor Casey passed away.

He got tenure
the same week that I was hired.

For the last 10 years,

I've watched him do the exact same thing

until he died at his desk,

and now I have tenure.

And I don't know, it got me thinking...

maybe I need to mix things up.

Figure out who I really am.

Am I bracelet guy? Funny-sock guy?

Carry-around-a-coin-that-I-flip guy?

Honey.

I support any guy you want to be.

Thanks, sweetie.

But if you start wearing those glasses

that are transitional
from light to dark,

it's gonna be a problem.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Great party, Katie.

I sampled the stir fry.

It's delicious.

Yeah. Those are crickets.

That explains why
the server was laughing.

- Mm-hmm.
- Katie, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- My Joshua just told me

this is the best party
Lizzie has ever had.

Thank you. I am so glad.

Whitney said she worked hard
on every little detail.

You are so lucky to have a boss like her

who does all the heavy lifting.

"Heavy lifting"?

But she's not even here.

That's because she's such a star.

She knew she would distract
from Lizzie on her big day.

- Hey, Gayle.
- Oh, my God. Hi.

I guess a snake
would distract from a lizard.

Can you believe her?

Whitney has me plan this absurd party...

which I nailed, by the way...

and then steals my thank-you.

I can't wait
'til she goes back to New York.

She's not going back.

- She's staying in Westport.
- What?

Yeah, I heard her on the phone while
I was giving her a spray tan.

I can't do this anymore.

The money's great,

but you can't put a price on my dignity.

Mm.

The satay is delicious.

Not for humans, right?

Right.

Whitney, I worked my ass off

putting that party together.

It's bad enough that I'm...

Not getting the recognition you deserve.

That's why I'm giving you a promotion,

which comes with a very nice raise.

If you think a raise and a promotion

are enough to keep me around...

you're right.

Turns out my dignity does have a price.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have someone coming
to give me a foot massage.

Oh, the masseuse cancelled.
I thought I told you.

You did.

Now go get the lotion, Kevin.

So, Whitney just took
all the credit for the party?

Yes.

I should have grabbed a boom box,

a baseball bat,
and an industrial fan and quit.

Now I'm just like you.

How so?

You accepted tenure,
now you're stuck at your job.

I took the promotion,
and now I'm stuck at mine.

So what if I hate my job?

Everyone does.

I got to get to bed.

I have to oversee
all the events this week,

starting with tomorrow's
"Barbecue and Botox" party.

Ooh.

I can't.

You must be Taylor and Oliver.

Franklin tells me you've been
going through something.

Yeah, it's... it's easy to feel lost

in this big world,

but it's important to remember...

you're not alone.

Who are you?

This is Eve.

She's an elder
at the church my mom goes to.

She helped my mom a lot.

She blinks now.

I think we're good.

I remember being a pretty young girl,

my whole life ahead of me.

But I always felt unprepared

and ill-equipped for life on my own.

- You did?
- Oh, yes.

I was overwhelmed and lost.

Me, too. So, what changed?

I joined the church, met Bob.

Who's Bob?

Bob owns the compound we all live on.

He's our leader and our husband.

- Our husband?
- Yes.

Bob must take many wives
so he has enough people

to take care of him at the end of days.

Then he'll reunite us
with the great leader

and deliver us to our home planet.

Your mom doesn't go to a church.

She's in a cult.

Ohhh.

That's why Grandpa
keeps trying to kidnap us.

Anna-Kat will walk you out.

- Bob be with you.
- And also with you.

Oh.

Oh, my God. That was so inspiring.

I feel like you're getting
the wrong message.

No.

You know how my life
is screwed up compared to yours?

Well, compared to a grown woman

with pigtails who's in a cult,

I'm killing it.

Ha.

Thank you so much.

The genius...

is in the minutiae...

...or whatever that phrase is.

Katie,

everything is fantastic.

Well, I'd take a bow,
but you've already done that.

Yes.

There's just one thing
that's bothering me.

Ugh. The bluegrass band?

I know. It's a lot of harmonica.

No, no. They're great.

Everything's great. It's...

It's just...

this.

- Me?
- Eh...

Katie, as VP of Events,

you are front and center
of this company.

You need to... look the part. I...

If there's just something we could do

about the frowny parts of your face.

Kevin!

Get in here.
I need another pair of hands.

I'm sorry.

I can't lose this job.

I owe $67,000 in student loans.

Philosophy major.

You can't Botox away
being an idiot, Kevin.

Oh, God.

Oliver, I'm sorry I haven't
been able to help you.

I appreciate it,

but there's nothing anyone can do.

Well, I talked to Dr. Ellie...

who I now call Eleanor since
I'm not in her class anymore.

She doesn't care for it...

and she gave me some resources
that might help.

"Are You Being Bullied?"

Nope.

"How to Come Out to Your Family"?

Mm?

No.

"My Changing Body"?

Too late.

"Teen Help Line"? Really?

Dr. Ellie says it's a hotline

where teens can talk to other
teens about their problems.

Not interested.

Well, I certainly won't be the last girl

who thinks she can fix you.

I don't know the others,
but I pity them already.

Ah, Katie.

Tomorrow's party is a boat christening,

and I need some noisy sea lions

removed from the marina...

humanely.

I'm kidding. Do it any way you can.

I'm on it, Whitney.

What are you smiling about?

This is why you need Botox. See?

Your face should not have
this much expression.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to thank you.

What you said last night
helped me realize

- something very important.
- What did I say?

You said that hating your job
was no big deal

because everyone hates
their job, but you know what?

I don't. I actually love teaching.

I am so happy for you.

Does this mean
you'll stop wearing the...

Not now.

You supported me when I said
I wanted to mix things up,

so guess what I did?

I taught my class outside today,

and my students loved it.

That sounds so fun.

I finally realized the guy I am.

I'm the guy who loves his job
and loves his family

and wants his wife
to be as happy as he is.

What about the extra money?

We'll make it work.

Katie.

I need you at the marina right now.

Sorry, Whitney.

Move your own damn sea lions!

Hit it, Greg!

♪ Ow ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm your
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb ♪

♪ Hello, world, I'm your wild girl ♪

♪ I'm your
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb ♪

♪ Cherry bomb ♪

♪ Cherry bomb ♪

♪ Cherry bomb ♪

I quit!

It's just how I imagined it.

With Katie gone,

maybe it's time for you to step up.

You mean I can have her job?

No, I mean fix the ice sculpture.

- But...
- Fix it, Kevin.

Move it.

Hey, you look like you're
in a good mood for a change.

Did one of your IPOs make a split

into dividends and then...

Eh, forget it.

I don't know how money works.

No, I just got off the phone
with Teen Help Line.

You called?

Did they help you with your problem?

They sure did.

I'm proud of you.

It's hard to be vulnerable,
reach out for help.

And, of course, it's none of
the stuff I was just saying.

What is going on, Oliver?

I just had
a very interesting conversation

with one of the counselors.

He said a lot of the people
who volunteer there

go on to top colleges,
including Harvard.

But most importantly,
you'd be helping people.

Anna-Kat, do you have a pamphlet
for hearing aids?

Dad heard "helping people"

when I clearly said "Harvard."

Harvard.

And all I have
to do is apply and get in.

And get this...
it's all done sitting down.

Look at you, Anna-Kat.

You thought you couldn't
cheer us up, but you did.

But there's someone else
who still needs my help.

Let's talk about the bracelet, Greg.

Yeah.

Goodbye, fully functioning can opener.

We can't afford you anymore.

Goodbye, hand-crank pasta press.

I knew you were just gonna
collect dust in the basement,

but the idea of you was enough.

Goodbye, cactus-shaped
margarita glasses.

The fiesta's over.

Mm.

Goodbye, banana hanger.

And hello again,

ceramic bowl where fruit goes to die.

Any regrets about quitting?

Hell, no.

I know there's something better
for me out there.

I want to find what you have...

a job that inspires me
and a smokin'-hot wife.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Are you kidding?
This is a great idea.

If your students thought
having class outside was cool,

they're gonna love this.

Well, I am trying to do new things.

Trust me, it's gonna be awesome.

Okay. You ready? Let's hear it.

Four score and seven years ago,

our fathers brought forth
on this continent

a new nation, conceived in liberty

and dedicated to the proposition

that all men are created equal.

This is amazing.

It's like history come to life.

Now we are engaged in a great Civil War.

Abe?

Abe, honey?

Yes, Mary Todd?

Do you want to wrap this speech up?

We're going to be late to the theater.

I got us seats in the balcony.

That's not funny.

Come on.

Give us a kiss.

No.

No!

Mwah, mwah!

No!

The plugs in your arms
and head are gone.

Morpheus?

Your appearance now

is what we call residual self image.

It's a mental projection
of your digital self.