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♪ Men.♪Charlie lived life
to its fullest
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00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:06,528
and-and gave it
everything he had.
3
00:00:06,615 --> 00:00:08,704
Gave me herpes.
4
00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:10,097
Vaginal warts.
5
00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,055
He used my panties
to make tea.
6
00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:18,366
My point is, um, that Charlie
lived life on his own terms.
7
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:21,021
Blah, blah, blah.
Why can'’t we see the body?
8
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:24,372
Charlie Harper
was the love of my life
9
00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:26,765
and a wonderful, wonderful man.
10
00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,332
He slipped on the Metro platform
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00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,204
and fell in front
of an oncoming train.
12
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:34,251
His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.
13
00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:38,516
I know what you said
you wanted, but...
14
00:00:38,603 --> 00:00:40,779
I really don'’t think
Pamela Anderson will agree
15
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,999
to swallow your ashes.
16
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:47,003
[screams]
17
00:00:56,795 --> 00:00:58,580
I ain'’t cleaning him up.
18
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:01,670
♪ Men.♪
19
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:04,586
♪ Imagine me and you, I do
20
00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:06,936
♪ I think about you
day and night ♪
21
00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:08,720
♪ It'’s only right ♪
22
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:10,853
♪ To think about
the boy you love ♪
23
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,507
♪ And hold him tight
24
00:01:12,594 --> 00:01:15,727
♪ So happy together
25
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:19,035
♪ So how is the weather?
26
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,863
♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba
27
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:23,518
♪ Ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, ba
28
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:24,910
♪ Ba-ba, ba, ba.
29
00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:26,608
Lunchtime.
30
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:29,872
Here you go.
31
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:32,004
Tuna on toast...
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00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,484
with vodka.
33
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:38,228
Oh, don'’t give me that look.
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00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:40,317
It needs to eat.
35
00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:43,190
Oh, is it sulking?
36
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:45,714
Well, if it doesn'’t eat,
37
00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:47,890
it gets the hose.
38
00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:50,719
That'’s better.
39
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:53,461
And pick up the napkin.
40
00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:54,984
Just because it lives in a pit,
41
00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:57,421
it doesn'’t have to live
like an animal.
42
00:01:57,508 --> 00:02:00,250
Thank you.
43
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:02,905
And after it eats,
44
00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:05,690
it changes its clothes.
45
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,957
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
46
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:14,569
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
47
00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:20,531
♪ Men.♪Anything good
in the mail?
48
00:02:20,618 --> 00:02:22,185
Uh, let'’s see.
Uh, electric bill,
49
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,231
cable bill, water bill.
Here you go.
50
00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,582
Do you ever
experience shame?
51
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:29,497
Uh, shame is
a rich man'’s emotion.
52
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:32,369
I can barely afford
embarrassment.
53
00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,067
Oh, wow.
54
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,634
Something for Charlie.
55
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:39,115
I-I told you to cancel
his subscription
56
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,031
to the Sex Toy
of the Month Club.
57
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:44,642
Oh, can'’t.
He paid for life.
58
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:47,254
And, uh, January
was butt plug month.
59
00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:53,216
Oh. Oh, it'’s, uh...
it'’s from his music publisher.
60
00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:58,569
[whimpers]
61
00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:00,180
You okay?
62
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,833
I'’m-I'’m... I'’m not sure.
63
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,183
Look.
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00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:06,751
"Dear Mr. Harper:
65
00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:09,319
"We are holding unclaimed
music royalties for you
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00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:12,366
in the amount of $2.5 million."
67
00:03:12,453 --> 00:03:15,369
[whimpers]
68
00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,022
Looks like those
children'’s records he made
69
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:18,285
are still making money.
70
00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:19,808
Uh, say the number again.
71
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:20,983
$2.5 million.
72
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,551
[whimpers]
73
00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:26,510
Apparently, it'’s been
stacking up since he died.
74
00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:27,772
Like the butt plugs.
75
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:34,649
Alan, you do realize that money
will go to his next of kin.
76
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,346
Uh, yeah. That'’s me.
77
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:38,870
Why do think I keep going...
[whimpers]
78
00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:40,655
What about your mother
and his daughter?
79
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:43,005
[laughing]
80
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:45,050
Oh, you'’re serious.
81
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,879
Alan, you can'’t keep that kind
of money secret from them.
82
00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:49,533
Why not? I kept from you
83
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:51,666
that I used your Tesla
to drive for Uber.
84
00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:56,627
Hello.
Yes, I-I just received a notice
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00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:59,108
of unclaimed royalties
for Charlie Harper
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00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:01,458
that I would like to claim.
87
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,417
Oh, oh, yeah, sure, I'’ll hold.
88
00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:05,332
What are you doing?Uh, claiming.
89
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:09,205
Uh, yes, yes. Hi.
Uh, I am, uh, Alan Harper.
90
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:11,076
Uh, I'’m Charlie Harper'’s
next of kin.
91
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:14,732
Yes, uh, uh, sadly, he-he
passed away four years ago.
92
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:16,386
Yes, I-I am sorry, too.
93
00:04:16,473 --> 00:04:18,519
Uh, he'’s irreplaceable.
94
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,874
Uh, anyway, um...
95
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:29,834
I guess you can just, you know,
send me the check and...
96
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,141
Uh, death certificate?
97
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,187
Uh, o-okay, uh, is that...
98
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,973
is that necessary
to get the money?
99
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,628
Okay. Uh, how about, uh,
you send me the check,
100
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,717
I'’ll send you
the death certificate?
101
00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,374
Or we can do it your way.
102
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,289
Uh, uh, oh, oh,
103
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,769
and by the way, um, uh,
when you give me the money,
104
00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:54,990
do you notify the IRS,
or is that my responsibility?
105
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:56,905
Mine! Perfect.
106
00:04:56,992 --> 00:04:58,994
Uh, bye-bye.
107
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,212
Our divorce is final, right?
108
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,347
Alan, I neither want
nor need your money.
109
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,783
Oh, I know that, uh,
110
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:07,655
but could you say that
again on camera?
111
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:09,744
O-Okay, okay.
112
00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:11,311
You don'’t have
the death certificate, do you?
113
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,790
No, but I'’m sure my mom does.
114
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:14,314
How are you
gonna get it from her
115
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,445
without telling her
about the money?
116
00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,142
Uh, remember four years ago
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00:05:17,229 --> 00:05:19,275
how I told you I'’d only
be here for a few days?
118
00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:20,581
I think I can figure it out.
119
00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:26,717
I can'’t wait for this
to be over.
120
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,851
♪ Men.♪
121
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,592
Well, this is a surprise.
122
00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:33,333
You visit so seldom.
123
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,638
I know. I know.
124
00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:35,944
I need to do it more.
125
00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:38,425
I wasn'’t complaining.
126
00:05:40,731 --> 00:05:42,646
So, how have you been?
127
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,431
Well, uh, uh, it'’s
funny you should ask.
128
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:46,346
Um, I'’ve been doing a
lot of thinking lately.
129
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,696
I'’m not giving you
a penny.
130
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:50,524
I, uh... I didn'’t
come for money.
131
00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:52,482
Or a place to live or a car.
132
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,179
Or affection or
nurturing. I get it.
133
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:56,094
Uh, uh, I was thinking.
134
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:58,358
You know, um, well, maybe
it'’s my age, but, uh,
135
00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,534
I'’m starting to reflect
on the big questions.
136
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:01,970
You know, what'’s...
what'’s it all about?
137
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,319
Uh, why are we here?
138
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:04,712
What happens when we die?
139
00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:06,322
I know what happens
when I die.
140
00:06:06,409 --> 00:06:08,237
You get nothing.
141
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,500
Mom, I-I told you,
I did not come here...
142
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:12,067
Really? Nothing?
143
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:14,156
It'’s not because
I don'’t love you.
144
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:17,202
I just don'’t want to give you
a reason to kill me.
145
00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:19,988
You mean anotherreason.
146
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:29,519
Where are all these
morbid thoughts coming from?
147
00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:30,999
As long as I'’ve known you,
148
00:06:31,086 --> 00:06:32,870
you'’ve never been
much of a thinker.
149
00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:36,874
Or a... a doer
or a provider or...
150
00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:40,922
pretty much anything
with "er" at the end.
151
00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:44,055
Maybe I'’ve been asking all
these questions because
152
00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:46,231
the anniversary of Charlie'’s
death is coming up.
153
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:48,016
So?
So I was thinking
154
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:50,888
it might be nice to do
something to commemorate it.
155
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:54,849
Like what? Snort coke
off a hooker'’s butt?
156
00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,853
Uh, actually, uh,
uh, more like, uh,
157
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:01,159
make a...
a memorial collage.
158
00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:04,032
[laughs] A what?
159
00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:05,947
A... a memorial collage.
160
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,732
You know, a collection of
images celebrating his life.
161
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:11,082
Uh, things like, uh,
his birth certificate,
162
00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,997
uh, family pictures,
death certificate,
163
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:14,999
uh, awards, sheet
music, diplomas,
164
00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:16,610
death certificate, um...
165
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:18,481
I don'’t know how much
I can help you.
166
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:19,656
I-I'’ve got his
birth certificate,
167
00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:21,049
a few baby pictures,
168
00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:23,181
the little hash pipe
he made in camp.
169
00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:25,575
No death certificate?
170
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:26,837
No.
171
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,056
I-I just thought you had it.
172
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,057
Oh. Well, bye.
173
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:34,366
♪ Men.♪
174
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:37,587
I'’m sorry. I can'’t find any
record of your brother'’s death.
175
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,937
You sure?
Uh, newspapers, obituaries?
176
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:41,678
No, I checked everything
on Charlie Harper--
177
00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:43,854
both here and in France-- and...
178
00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:47,597
I-I found a bunch
of weird self-shot sex videos,
179
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,557
including one featuring
what appears to be
180
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,472
the USC men'’s water polo team?
181
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:59,087
I also found this crazy rant
about a former employer.
182
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,663
But there'’s nothing
about his death.
183
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:10,881
How is that possible?
184
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,666
Did you ever see the body?
185
00:08:12,753 --> 00:08:14,842
There was no body.
The man was hit by a train.
186
00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:16,321
All that was left was a...
187
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,149
a meat smoothie
and a couple of teeth.
188
00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:20,543
Well, how do you know
he'’s really dead?
189
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,545
Well, of course he'’s dead.
I have his ashes.
190
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:24,678
How do you know
that they'’re his ashes?
191
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:26,854
Well, what do you want me to do,
test them for herpes?
192
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,076
♪ Men.♪
193
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:35,384
♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪
194
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:38,953
♪ I always know
just where you are ♪
195
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,217
♪ In a pit below my house
196
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:45,699
♪ You will always
be my spouse. ♪
197
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:51,487
Oh, boy.
198
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:55,839
[clicks tongue, sighs]
199
00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:57,798
Never put a window in a dungeon.
200
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:01,018
♪ Men.♪
201
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:08,417
♪ Men.♪
202
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:11,463
Yes, I am calling
about the $2.5 million
203
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,031
in unclaimed royalties
for Charlie Harper.
204
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:15,816
Uh, uh, good news.
205
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,295
Uh, I have just received
206
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:19,080
the death certificate
from France.
207
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,908
Uh, it'’s in French
and everything
208
00:09:20,995 --> 00:09:23,258
so you know it'’s real.
209
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:25,303
Oh, oh, sure, I'’ll hold.
210
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,306
Uh, "cause de décès."
211
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:32,615
Uh... uh, le...
212
00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:35,139
train.
213
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:37,446
Oh, yes, yes, I'’m still here.
214
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,187
What?
215
00:09:39,274 --> 00:09:40,710
It'’s already been claimed?
216
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,277
By whom?
217
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:44,192
Was it an older red-headed woman
218
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:46,455
wearing a coat
made of Dalmatians?
219
00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:50,067
What do you mean,
you can'’t tell me?
220
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:52,374
A... a numbered account
in the Cayman Islands?
221
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,376
That makes no sense.
222
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:57,597
FedEx just dropped off
a box addressed to Charlie.
223
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,468
Uh... uh, uh,
I'’ll call you back.
224
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:04,212
If that'’s a blow-up sex doll,
can I have it?
225
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:08,042
My grandkids need a pool toy.
226
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,916
Cuban cigars?
227
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:14,701
Charlie'’s favorite smokes.
228
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:17,921
Single malt scotch?
229
00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:20,315
Charlie'’s favorite breakfast.
230
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,318
What the hell?
231
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,886
Looks the knife he used to
chase you around the house with.
232
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,194
Yeah, that'’s it.
233
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:32,936
[cell phone beeps]
234
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:39,639
"I'’m coming home,
and you'’re going to pay."
235
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,336
That'’s got to be a wrong number.
236
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:43,251
You never pay for anything.
237
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:47,211
♪ Men.♪
238
00:10:47,298 --> 00:10:49,083
Walden!
Alan?
239
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:50,954
Ms. McMartin, I'’m sorry.
Uh, where'’s Walden?
240
00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:52,869
WALDEN [muffled]:
I'’m a little busy, Alan.
241
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,697
Oh, okay.
242
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,178
Uh, are-are you aware
she'’s reading Cosmo?
243
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,962
It'’s a how-to article.
244
00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:01,051
WALDEN: Well, it'’s not
so much "how to,"
245
00:11:01,138 --> 00:11:03,314
as "how to do it better."
246
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:04,446
Seriously?
247
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:09,059
Hey. Even Tiger Woods
needs a swing coach.
248
00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,713
Listen, can you
249
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,976
just come back in,
like, what, 20 minutes?
250
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,804
Eh...
251
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,937
No. This can'’t wait.
Look at this text.
252
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,329
[sighs]
253
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:19,722
Okay, that can'’t
be for you.
254
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,506
You never pay
for anything.
255
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:23,857
I think, somehow, someway...
256
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,902
[whispering]:
Charlie is still alive.
257
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,687
Okay, this is ridiculous.
258
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,167
There'’s more.
A package came addressed to him.
259
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:32,169
Oh, is it something
that vibrates?
260
00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:34,955
'’Cause I could really
use some help with this.
261
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:37,697
He ain'’t lying.
262
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:41,309
No. It'’s-it'’s not sex toys.
263
00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:43,093
I am telling you,
Charlie is coming back,
264
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:44,704
and he is not happy with me.
265
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,096
Well, at the moment,
neither am I.
266
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:47,707
Should I go?
267
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:49,230
No, no, no, no, no.
We'’re so close.
268
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:51,188
Eh-eh...
269
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:52,886
Walden, it'’s like you said.
270
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,975
I mean, there was no proof
that Charlie ever died.
271
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:56,237
All we have is Rose'’s word.
272
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,891
Who'’s Rose?
273
00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,631
Oh, she'’s this
crazy millionairess
274
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,199
that used to stalk Charlie,
and then he married her.
275
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,897
And then she started
stalking me.
276
00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,637
Why? Did you
sleep with her?
277
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:09,685
Alan slept with her, too.
278
00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:11,382
Hey, after 12 years,
279
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:13,080
everybody'’s slept
with everybody.
280
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,691
EVELYN: Alan!
Alan, where are you?
281
00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:17,258
Uh, in here!
282
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:19,260
Oh, for God sakes!
283
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:21,088
That'’s my mother. Uh, oh,
Walden slept with her, too.
284
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,612
Uh... you slept
with my mom!
285
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:26,049
No, that was just a handy
in a hotel bar.
286
00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:27,485
I am a gentleman.
287
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,227
We need to talk.
288
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:31,968
Oh. Who'’s this?
289
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:35,276
Uh, this is my son'’s
social worker, Ms. McMartin.
290
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:37,408
And you'’re shtupping her.
How lovely.
291
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:38,801
Mom, don'’t be rude.
292
00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:40,542
Uh, and I shtupped her first.
293
00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:42,674
I really should go.
294
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,241
Yeah. Uh, okay.
295
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:45,895
Just remember
which step we'’re on.
296
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,418
Number six:
297
00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:50,421
"finding the little man
in the canoe."
298
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:52,423
I don'’t remember you
having any trouble...
299
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:54,251
Okay, everybody stop!
300
00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:56,340
What are you doing here?
301
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:59,300
I want to know why you sent
me this hateful e-mail.
302
00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:02,216
Uh, "Dear Mom:
303
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:04,218
"You were always
a horrible mother
304
00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:07,569
"and a repulsive human being,
and I hope you rot in hell.
305
00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:09,266
"But before you do,
306
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,834
I will have my revenge."
307
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:15,272
Okay, I don'’t disagree
with anything here...
308
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:18,362
...but I did not send that.
309
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:21,888
Really? Who else would call
me "a horrible mother"?
310
00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:23,890
No, no, it'’s still ridiculous.
311
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:25,065
What'’s ridiculous?
312
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:26,762
Alan has this crazy idea
313
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,503
that Charlie'’s still alive.
314
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,070
But then who sent her
that e-mail?
315
00:13:30,157 --> 00:13:32,028
Who sent me this text?
316
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,465
Where did the cigars, booze
and chasin'’ knife come from?
317
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,771
Wait, what'’s a chasin'’ knife?
318
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,294
Uh, it'’s a regular knife
319
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:38,818
after two bottles
of scotch and some blow.
320
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:42,909
Who else would have sent it?
321
00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:44,606
I don'’t know.
322
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,521
Like, somebody that wants
to freak you out.
323
00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:48,653
Think about it: Who has
something to gain from this?
324
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,481
Who else has a claim
on that money?
325
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:51,831
What money?
326
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:53,093
No money.
There'’s no money.
327
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,094
Alan, will you just tell her?
328
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:56,270
[sighs]
329
00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:58,446
I don'’t want to.
330
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:00,187
Alan!
331
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:04,147
Turns out, uh, there are
some unclaimed royalties,
332
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,193
uh, from Charlie'’s recordings.
333
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,847
How much?
334
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,110
Uh, two and a half...
thousand dollars.
335
00:14:10,197 --> 00:14:11,241
Alan!
336
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,243
Million.
337
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:15,942
$2.5 million.
338
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:19,032
Ah, the memorial
collage.
339
00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:21,512
That'’s why you wanted
the death certificate--
340
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:23,514
so you could
claim the money.
341
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,690
You dirty rat bastard.
342
00:14:25,777 --> 00:14:26,953
What would you have done?
343
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:31,044
We'’re wasting time here.
344
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:33,655
Now, who else could have
a claim on the money?
345
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,135
[Ms. McMartin moaning]
346
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,353
MS. McMARTIN:
Oh, God!
347
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,746
Ah, damn it.
348
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:39,574
She found
the little man without me.
349
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:43,665
♪ Men.♪
350
00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:46,363
Anyway, we were thinking
of putting together
351
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:48,191
a sort of memorial collage...
352
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:50,193
For God'’s sakes,
will you just tell her?
353
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:54,806
Um, some money owed to your
father has been discovered.
354
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,548
Really? How much?
355
00:14:57,635 --> 00:14:58,898
Two and a half thousand.
356
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,857
Million.
It'’s $2.5 million.
357
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:03,903
Why are you here?
358
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,688
You know what? I'’ve been asking
myself that since day one.
359
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:22,573
Honestly, I forgot she was here.
360
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:24,619
Look, anyway,
361
00:15:24,706 --> 00:15:26,969
somebody claimed it
and transferred it
362
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,623
into a numbered account
in the Caymans.
363
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,320
And you think it was me?
364
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,322
Would I be living
in a one-bedroom apartment
365
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:34,063
if I had that kind of money?
366
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,369
[door opens]
367
00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:44,682
I don'’t have my contacts in.
368
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:45,901
Was that the same one
or different?
369
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,599
[knock at door]
370
00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:49,992
Excuse me.
371
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:52,038
Wow. You hang a penis
on that girl,
372
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,648
and you'’ve got Charlie.
373
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,432
[door opens]
374
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,521
Thank you. Huh.
375
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,132
Certified letter
from a law firm.
376
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:01,264
Might mean traveling money.
Stand by.
377
00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:03,527
Oh, my God.
378
00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,268
What is it?
379
00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:07,401
Am I seeing that right?
That'’s a lot of zeroes.
380
00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:10,230
It'’s a cashier'’s check
for $100,000.
381
00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:11,361
[whimpers]
382
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,059
Who'’s it from?
383
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,148
I don'’t know.
Oh, but there'’s a note.
384
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,063
It says,
"Buy yourself something nice.
385
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:19,195
Sorry I wasn'’t there for you."
386
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,588
I don'’t care who it'’s from.
387
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:22,590
Apology accepted.
388
00:16:23,765 --> 00:16:25,941
Is the bathroom in here?
389
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:28,596
♪ Men.♪
390
00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:30,990
"Buy yourself something nice.
391
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,992
"Sorry I broke your heart...
392
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:35,168
"and banged your sister.
393
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:38,954
As I write this, I realize those
two things might be related."
394
00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:44,438
Hmm. Screw my sister.
395
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:46,831
♪ Men.♪
396
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,183
"Buy yourself something nice.
397
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:53,142
"Sorry I shot you.
398
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:56,145
I didn'’t know I was loaded."
399
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:58,539
♪ Men.♪
400
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:00,671
"Buy yourself something nice.
401
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:03,457
Tell your mom I'’m sorry
I gave her chlamydia."
402
00:17:06,982 --> 00:17:08,679
♪ Men.♪
403
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,768
"Sorry I never called.
404
00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:12,988
Buy yourself a nice vagina."
405
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:15,338
Aw.
406
00:17:15,425 --> 00:17:16,600
♪ Men.♪
407
00:17:21,823 --> 00:17:23,651
♪ Men.♪Well, obviously Jenny
408
00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:25,261
didn'’t claim the royalties.
409
00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:26,915
Why would she send
a check to herself?
410
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:28,830
Yeah, but you still
don'’t know it was Charlie.
411
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,397
Oh, who else is gonna send
412
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:33,443
an unemployed lesbian actress
$100,000?
413
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,924
I don'’t know.
Ellen DeGeneres?
414
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,362
I'’m telling you,
Charlie'’s alive.
415
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:40,972
ROSE:
Oh, good.
416
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,452
Then I don'’t have to tell you.
417
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:44,585
♪ Men, men, men.♪
29202
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