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1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:04,134
♪ Men.♪
2
00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:06,180
Sex is so much better
with someone you know well.
3
00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:08,095
Yeah.Mm-hmm.
4
00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:10,053
That'’s why so many
marriages last forever.
5
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,012
[both cackling]
6
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,538
But it'’s true, it'’s true--
sex is better when you,
7
00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:18,453
you know, you know the
other person'’s rhythms,
8
00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:20,107
what they like,
9
00:00:20,194 --> 00:00:22,109
which leg they can
put behind their head.
10
00:00:22,196 --> 00:00:24,024
I'’m still impressed
you can do that.
11
00:00:24,937 --> 00:00:26,678
Uh, yoga.
12
00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:28,941
When I started, I was
single and I wanted to be
13
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,900
flexible enough to
give myself a...
14
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,036
You know, I, uh, I-I really
would have missed you
15
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,515
if you moved to
San Francisco.
16
00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:39,300
Aw, me, too.
17
00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:41,389
Although maybe I should have
waited to sell the house.
18
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:43,521
I got to be out of here
in two weeks.Mm.
19
00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:45,262
I could help you
find an apartment.
20
00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:47,221
Unless you want me to
stay out of your hair.
21
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:49,353
Hey, that'’s the second
time I said that tonight.
22
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,182
Actually, I really
could use your help.
23
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:55,011
I mean, unless
you'’re busy with work.
24
00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:56,969
[both cackling]
25
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,406
Oh, I love you, Lyndsey.
26
00:00:58,493 --> 00:00:59,798
I love you, too, Alan.
27
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:00,973
You want to go again?No.
28
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,367
You satisfied me
the first time.
29
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:04,499
[both cackling]
30
00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:06,979
♪ Men.♪
31
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,852
Walden, do you
believe in destiny?
32
00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,854
I believe in
33
00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,161
Destiny'’s Child.
34
00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,815
I'’m serious.
35
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,121
Think of everything
that happened
36
00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:19,557
that led us to this moment.
37
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:22,038
Oh, see, that...
I'’d rather not.
38
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:24,562
I know you don'’t want to talk
about my relationship with Alan.
39
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,434
No, I don'’t.
I don'’t even like
40
00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:28,697
sharing a cab with Alan.
41
00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:31,656
But don'’t you see? If Alan
and I hadn'’t been together
42
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:34,094
and I hadn'’t freaked out
when he rejected me,
43
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:36,226
you wouldn'’t be here
to comfort me.
44
00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:38,272
In a way, I just want to say
45
00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:40,709
thank you, Alan Harper.
46
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,319
Yeah.
47
00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:45,757
Thank you, Alan Harper.
48
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:48,717
So-So you are
aware that you...
49
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:51,807
...freaked out a little bit.
50
00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:54,114
You mean when I showed up
to your house at midnight
51
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,986
in the rain or when I followed
Alan for 12 straight hours
52
00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:59,293
and peed in a bottle
in my car?
53
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:03,035
I didn'’t know you
did that. That'’s...
54
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,733
Look at us, getting
to know each other.
55
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,082
[soft chuckle]
56
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,953
So-So was that
57
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,999
out of character for
you, would you say?
58
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:12,915
Well, I admit, I am not
good with rejection.
59
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:14,438
Who is?
60
00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:16,136
Well, don'’t worry.
61
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:19,704
I am never, ever
gonna let go of you.
62
00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,967
I believe you.
63
00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:24,361
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
64
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,538
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
65
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:32,630
♪ Men.♪
66
00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:34,632
Uh-oh.
67
00:02:37,331 --> 00:02:39,202
I'’ll let you know when I'’m done.
68
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,597
Okay, once again,
69
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,426
I will buy you another
Lego mini figure.
70
00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:49,734
We don'’t have to wait
for that one to come out.
71
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:53,999
Hey.
72
00:02:54,086 --> 00:02:56,524
Oh, you always know
when I'’ve had sex.
73
00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,353
What gave it away?
74
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,485
The bounce in my step
or the glow in my cheek?
75
00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,139
No, it'’s probably the, uh, text
76
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,880
I got from you that said,
77
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:07,535
"Guess why I can'’t see
my penis right now."
78
00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,319
I was bored.
79
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:12,061
So, uh, how was your little
talk with Ms. McMartin?
80
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:15,673
You know, about that whole
situation-- you and her--
81
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,241
I just... you know, maybe
I just judged you too harshly.
82
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:21,331
No, no, I was... I deserved it.
I-I was stupid and weak.
83
00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:24,291
And besides, bitch be crazy.
84
00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:26,858
Yeah. Well...
85
00:03:26,945 --> 00:03:28,469
bitch be my girlfriend.
86
00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:33,430
Oh, my God.
You didn'’t.
87
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:36,041
After all the crap
you gave me?
88
00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:38,783
"How could you sleep
with our social worker, Alan?"
89
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:42,352
"Get your penis
out of my business, Alan."
90
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:45,399
"That'’s not what yoga
is for, Alan."
91
00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:47,836
Okay, fine, I admit it.
I-I made a mistake.
92
00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,142
I just... I Alan'’d
this whole thing up.
93
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,059
My name as a verb. I like it.
94
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:55,931
So-So how did this happen?
95
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:59,413
I don'’t know. I just...
I went over there and then...
96
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,502
she got all emotional
97
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,765
and kept calling herself
a loser and then...
98
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,549
Okay, and then
she started to cry.
99
00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:08,726
Oh, crying. She used that
to turn me on, too.
100
00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:11,642
What? No. I-I comforted her
101
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:14,558
and then one thing led to an...
You'’re a freak.
102
00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,212
Hey, hey, don'’t call me a freak.
103
00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:17,779
You'’re the one who Alan'’d it up.
104
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:20,216
You know what,
maybe it'’ll be okay.
105
00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:22,262
I mean, she only goes crazy
when she gets rejected,
106
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,742
so I just have to keep her
happy for a couple days
107
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,701
until we finalize
Louis'’s adoption.
108
00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:27,919
See, I just...
109
00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,747
I feel bad, '’cause...
110
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,749
I mean, she already fell
head over heels in love with me.
111
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:34,186
She Walden'’d you.
112
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,536
You know what?
113
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:36,754
Go Alan yourself.
114
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:39,627
Thanks to yoga, I can.
115
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,283
♪ Men.♪
116
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,719
This is great.
117
00:04:44,806 --> 00:04:46,764
Lots of natural light,
hardwood floors,
118
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,592
and it'’s next to a Chipotle.
119
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,725
I can'’t wait for our first
post-booty burrito.
120
00:04:50,812 --> 00:04:52,944
It'’s also right
across the street
121
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,381
from a really
cute bookstore.
122
00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:56,644
Remember books?
123
00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:58,210
And-and you saw how
big those closets are.
124
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,560
I could live
in those things.
125
00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:00,909
Not a good idea.
126
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,302
I already have
enough people asking me
127
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,129
if you'’re in
the closet.
128
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:05,609
People think I'’m gay?
129
00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:06,784
That'’s hilarious.
130
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:09,439
Can'’t wait to tell my husband.
131
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:12,181
So... do you
really like it?
132
00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:13,487
[scoffs]
What'’s not to like?
133
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,792
This place is amazing.
134
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,707
Good. '’Cause I was thinking
135
00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:19,231
maybe instead of visiting,
136
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,103
why don'’t you
move in with me?
137
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,452
In this dump?
138
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,106
You just said
you liked it.
139
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,977
That was when I thought
it was for you.
140
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,762
But for the two of us?
141
00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:28,980
There'’s no study.
142
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,286
Where would I write my novel?
143
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,809
You'’re writing
a novel?
144
00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,594
Well, when I finish
my screenplay.
145
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,944
Do you not want
to live with me?
146
00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:38,120
No, of course I do.
147
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,078
But I-I want our place
to be perfect.
148
00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,993
Like you.
149
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,126
Uh, and I don'’t care how long
it takes to find it.
150
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,519
You have two weeks.
151
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,564
[scoffs]
Two weeks?
152
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,305
That'’s-that'’s plenty of time
to find an apartment
153
00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:51,525
and finish Alan Harper:
Vampire Hunter.
154
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:55,529
♪ Men.♪
155
00:05:58,619 --> 00:05:59,620
There you are!
156
00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:01,448
[screams]
157
00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:02,536
Hi!
158
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:03,711
There you are!
159
00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:05,277
In my kitchen.
160
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,844
Holding a knife.
161
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,237
Oh, I'’m sorry.
162
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:09,760
I wanted to surprise you.
163
00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:13,285
Well, I peed a little, so...
164
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,417
good job.
165
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,159
Wh-Who...
How did you get in here?
166
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,595
Berta.
167
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,292
I told her
I was cooking for you.
168
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,990
She said, "Great.
Clean the toilets, too."
169
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,905
Then she grabbed a six-pack
and she went home.
170
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:27,212
So it'’s just me and you.
171
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,257
There'’s no witnesses.
172
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:29,867
[laughs]
173
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,042
You are so funny.
174
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,522
[laughs]
175
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,350
It'’s like dating
Jimmy Fallon.
176
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,091
[laughs]
177
00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:37,701
I'’m making you
crab cakes.
178
00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,137
What...? Really?
I love crab cakes.
179
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,791
I know.
180
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,706
You told me the happiest summer
you ever had
181
00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:44,447
was when your family
rented that house in Maryland
182
00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:46,014
and your grandpa
took you crabbing.
183
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,146
I remember when we were there
and he said,
184
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:50,758
"You know, when you turn 18,
I'’m gonna take you to Vegas
185
00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:54,370
and we'’ll get
a different kind of crabs."
186
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:55,589
Ah, yeah.
187
00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:57,068
Then he laughed.
188
00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,157
Oh, how Boompa
loved his hookers.
189
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,205
Hey, this is very nice,
but maybe next time...
190
00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:05,294
Oh! I also have
your favorite dessert.
191
00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,122
Did I tell you
about Gam-Gam'’s apple pie?
192
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:14,434
That'’s not Gam-Gam'’s pie.
193
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,699
♪ Men.♪
194
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,091
Hey.
195
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:21,745
Oh, hey.
Where you been?
196
00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:22,790
Apartment hunting.
197
00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:26,402
[gagging]
198
00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:28,360
Are you... Really?
199
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,362
Oh, my God,
you do hear my prayers.
200
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,451
Don'’t get excited.
201
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,452
It was for Lyndsey.
202
00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:34,236
Oh. Damn you.
203
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,238
But get this: She asked me
to move in with her.
204
00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:38,109
All right, you got me.
205
00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:39,284
There'’s no way I'’m doing it.
206
00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:41,504
Ah, you'’re dead to me!
207
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:44,768
So, uh, how'’s it going
with Ms. McCrazy?
208
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,204
You know what?
That'’ll be enough of that.
209
00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:47,641
Oh, sorry.
210
00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:48,903
[whispering]:
She might be listening.
211
00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:52,036
No, I'’m just...
212
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:55,083
Seriously, Ms. McMartin is
a genuinely nice person.
213
00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:56,780
I just...
214
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,869
I feel bad about, like,
stringing her along.
215
00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:00,392
Yeah, but you can'’t
break up with her.
216
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,611
It'’ll jeopardize the adoption.
217
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,526
I know, but, like, lying to her
218
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:06,442
just seems cowardly and selfish.
219
00:08:06,529 --> 00:08:07,965
Well, you know what they say.
220
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,880
One man'’s cowardly and selfish
221
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,621
is another man'’s approach
to everything in life.
222
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:12,970
No, you know what?
223
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,581
She didn'’t take Louis away
224
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:16,626
when she found out
our marriage was fake.
225
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:20,412
And she didn'’t take him away
when you dumped her, so...
226
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,719
Like, she'’s gonna do
the right thing.
227
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:24,286
So am I.
228
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:26,288
Good for you.
229
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:28,116
You make me want to be
a better man.
230
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,685
Hey, uh, i-is Louis home?
231
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,338
No, he'’s staying
at a friend'’s house.
232
00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:35,776
Good. I can watch porn
without headphones.
233
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:38,343
Oh, I get it now.
234
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,868
I'’m inhell.
235
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,044
♪ Men.♪
236
00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:44,915
Come on, baby.
237
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,265
Get off that laptop and
get on top of this lap.
238
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:48,832
[laughs]
239
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:50,834
I'’m trying to find us
a place to live.
240
00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:52,444
Oh! How about this one?
241
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,272
It'’s got a community hot tub.
242
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,926
Yes, that'’s great.
243
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:57,885
Uh, because when
I'’m stuck in traffic,
244
00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:00,409
uh, and I look at the
stranger in the next car
245
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,672
and he'’s picking his nose,
I'’m always thinking,
246
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:04,979
"Boy, I'’d like to sit in
stagnant water with that guy."
247
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:09,418
Okay, no hot tub.
248
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,507
Hey, how about
a two-bedroom loft downtown?
249
00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:13,335
It'’s got a washer
and dryer.
250
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,380
And no green space
for my herb garden.
251
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,296
Do you even know me?
[sighs]
252
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,342
Okay.
253
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:21,996
Describe your perfect place.
254
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:26,522
Uh, it'’s a
beautiful home,
255
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:29,307
it'’s on the beach,
256
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,744
it has a housekeeper
257
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,397
and it'’s owned
by a billionaire
258
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:33,660
who doesn'’t monitor
his change jar.
259
00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:37,011
You'’re just describing
this house.
260
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:38,490
Wow, you'’re right.
261
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,188
That worked out.
Let'’s have sex.
262
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,711
Alan...
263
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,974
I'’ve made a lot of
changes in my life
264
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,368
and I was excited about
starting all over with you,
265
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:49,284
but I cannot go through
this same pattern
266
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:50,720
over and over again.
267
00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,506
You love this house
more than you love me.
268
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,030
Oh, I'’m sorry.
269
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,074
Was that a question?
270
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,033
Good-bye, Alan.
271
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,470
Oh, come...
This is so unfair.
272
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:03,037
Until you went to
rehab last month,
273
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:05,256
you loved vodka
more than me.
274
00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:06,780
And when I'’ve had
too much house,
275
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,564
I don'’t get naked
in the Walmart.
276
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,871
♪ Men.♪
277
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,181
♪ Men.♪
278
00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:19,270
Oh, hey, uh, Berta.
279
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,577
When Ms. McMartin gets here,
can you give us some privacy?
280
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:22,796
I gotta talk to her.
281
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,580
Oh, God.
282
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:27,191
When are you gonna stop
proposing to all these women?
283
00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:29,324
Zoey, Kate...
284
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:31,195
Alan.Uh...
285
00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:33,676
actually, I'’m gonna
break up with her.
286
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:37,332
If you want, I can pull
together a breakup kit
287
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:39,160
like I used to do for Charlie.
288
00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:42,206
It'’s a pint of Haäagen Dazs,
289
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:43,860
a bottle of wine
290
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:47,647
and the only copy
of your sex tapes.
291
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:51,955
[doorbell rings]
292
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,438
Hey, Walden.
293
00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:58,222
Hey, Berta!
294
00:10:58,309 --> 00:11:00,050
What'’s your favorite flavor
of ice cream?
295
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:01,878
Why?
296
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,184
No reason.
297
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,014
Hey, thanks for coming.
298
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,363
Why are you with me?
299
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,626
Good, good. How are you?
300
00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:12,454
Are you with me
because you'’re afraid
301
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,935
if you break up with me,
I'’ll screw up the adoption?
302
00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:17,764
What?!
303
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,896
No!
304
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,593
Come... I just, uh...
305
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,857
Berta, how we coming
with that ice cream?
306
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,685
Please be honest with me.
307
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,035
Okay, to be honest...
308
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:30,646
yeah, I did think that.
309
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,387
But then I realized
that you would never
310
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,258
ever do something like that.
311
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,433
I was doing that.
312
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,218
I knew it!
313
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:39,220
This morning,
I was going over your paperwork,
314
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:41,396
and I literally considered
postponing the final hearing
315
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,441
because I was afraid,
as soon as it happened,
316
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:45,487
you would leave me.
317
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:47,054
I would never do that to you.
318
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,056
I was gonna break up
with you right now.
319
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:51,754
So, you agree.
320
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:54,278
We shouldn'’t see
each other anymore.
321
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:55,323
Here.
322
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,585
What'’s this?
323
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,065
It'’s the final adoption forms.
324
00:11:58,152 --> 00:11:59,762
You have a court date tomorrow
325
00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,764
and everything'’s
gonna sail through.
326
00:12:01,851 --> 00:12:03,592
Congratulations.
Louis is yours.
327
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,246
Oh, really?
328
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:09,554
Oh... oh, my God, thank you.
329
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,992
Ah, you know this is a
330
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,820
"thank you for being
a great social worker" hug,
331
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,430
not a "I want you back" hug.
332
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,214
Yeah, I know.
333
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,303
And don'’t worry, I'’m
not gonna go all crazy
334
00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:20,957
and freak out on you.
335
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,437
Come on, I know that.
336
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:23,830
I froze your sperm.
337
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,574
♪ Men.♪
338
00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,751
Okay, buddy, here we go.
This is the first time
339
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,709
we'’re walking into this house
as an official family.
340
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:34,928
Cool.
341
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:37,495
Walden Schmidt, Louis Schmidt
342
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:40,760
and a big pile of Schmidt.
343
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:43,806
Ah!
344
00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:45,590
Hey, you know, now
that you'’re my son,
345
00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:47,505
someday all of this
is gonna be yours.
346
00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,812
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let'’s not
get ahead of ourselves.
347
00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:51,858
So, what should we do
to celebrate
348
00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:53,642
this special family day?
349
00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:55,731
I'’m going to play
Legos in my room!
350
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,515
Oh, oh, uh, you mean,
351
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,170
"I'’m going to play
Legos in my room, Dad."
352
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,042
I'’m going home to get high.
353
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,784
I mean, I'’m going home
to get high...
354
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,394
Dad.
355
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:10,659
Seriously, I'’m happy for you.
356
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,880
And I want you to know I'’m,
I'’m here whenever you need me.
357
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:15,272
Alan, you'’re not
getting the house.
358
00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:16,752
Damn it!
359
00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,536
This is weird.
360
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,147
Feel like I should be
doing something dad-like.
361
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,889
Like drinking beers outside.
362
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:24,455
Or grilling something.
363
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:25,630
You know, something manly.
364
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:26,631
Oh, perfect!
365
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,111
Uh, I have a nice, thick
366
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:29,243
Portobello mushroom
you can grill.
367
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:31,245
I said "something manly."
368
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:32,681
Well, if you close your eyes,
you'’ll swear you have
369
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:33,943
a piece of meat in your mouth.
370
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,077
I'’m never closing my eyes again.
371
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,556
Just give me a beer.
372
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,776
So, uh, how'’s it going
with Ms. McMartin?
373
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,952
She seemed a little standoffish
at the courthouse.
374
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:44,084
You know, I think
she was just trying
375
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,737
to keep things professional.
376
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:46,869
There'’s nothing going on
between us anymore.
377
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,436
Guess it doesn'’t matter.
378
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,351
We always knew it would
end up like this.
379
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:51,569
Just you and me.
380
00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,136
Couple of cool bros,
381
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,834
couple of chilled brews...
382
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,487
and a couple of grilled '’bellos.
383
00:13:56,574 --> 00:14:00,448
Stop trying to shove
your mushrooms down my throat!
384
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,711
My point is we don'’t need
anything else to be happy.
385
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,844
[grunts]
Or anyone.
386
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,149
Right, right!
387
00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:07,934
Let Lyndsey move
to San Francisco.
388
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,892
There'’s no way I'’m giving up
all this for her!
389
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,328
I mean, look at this house!
390
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:14,984
Look at the ocean and the view!
391
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:16,725
That'’s why you broke up?
392
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,380
You had a choice between Lyndsey
393
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,772
and this house,
394
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,557
and you chose this house?
395
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:24,776
Yep.
396
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,867
Okay, you gave up a relationship
with a woman who knows
397
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:32,045
everything about you
and still wants to be with you
398
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:34,482
because you didn'’t want
to leave this house?
399
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:36,440
Yep.
400
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:38,399
Okay, as I'’m saying
this out loud,
401
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,575
you are realizing what
a moron you are, aren'’t you?
402
00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,185
Yep.
403
00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,753
But-but I'’m not the only one.
404
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,277
Ms. McMartin is perfect for you.
405
00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:49,323
Come on, you'’re the one
who said she was crazy.
406
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:52,065
Yes, yes, but when you really
look at it, what has she done?
407
00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,241
I mean, she fell in love
too quickly... like you.
408
00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:55,982
She only wants
what'’s best for Louis...
409
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,461
like you.
410
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,724
She'’s inexplicably
drawn to me...
411
00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:01,596
like you.
412
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:05,078
She did surprise me by cooking
my favorite meal naked.
413
00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:07,689
Sadly, like you.
414
00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,821
I mean, at least I-I traded
Lyndsey for a house.
415
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,345
What did you trade
Ms. McMartin for?
416
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:12,433
Nothing.
417
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,651
It'’s worse!
418
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,784
I traded her for you!
419
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,092
Oh, my God! We'’re idiots!
420
00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:20,702
I know. We'’re gonna die alone!
421
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:23,139
Worse! We'’re gonna die
with each other!
422
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:24,445
Go to Ms. McMartin!
423
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:25,750
I will! Go to Lyndsey!
424
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,187
I will! I love you!
425
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,884
Oh, not the right time.Knew that.
426
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:34,150
♪ Men.♪
427
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,068
There you are.
428
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:40,113
[screams][grunting]
429
00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:45,683
Walden?
430
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:46,989
Surprise.
431
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:48,251
Oh, I'’m so sorry!
432
00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:49,774
I thought you were an intruder.
433
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,994
But how did you get
in my apartment?
434
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,518
Well, I was gonna, um...
435
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:56,129
rent the vacant apartment
above you,
436
00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:58,392
and then rappel
down the building
437
00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:00,960
and smash through the window,
like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
438
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:02,918
But then I just looked
under your mat,
439
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,354
and I found your spare key.
440
00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:06,704
Oh! That'’s for my cat psychic.
441
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:07,662
Wha...? Your what?
442
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,359
What do you want?
443
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:11,013
I-I remembered
that your favorite meal was
444
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,711
pan-seared salmon
with orange miso glaze.
445
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:15,191
Oh, my God,
you made that for me?
446
00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:16,714
No. Uh, I made...
447
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,194
uh, grilled cheese since it'’s
448
00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:20,544
the only thing
I know how to make.
449
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,894
But the important thing
is I remembered.
450
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,809
Well, that'’s very sweet.
451
00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:26,768
But... why?
452
00:16:26,855 --> 00:16:29,075
I wanted to give us
another chance.
453
00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:31,903
Oh... oh, I don'’t know,
Walden...
454
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,559
B-Before you say anything else,
just... listen to this.
455
00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:37,605
♪ When a man
456
00:16:37,692 --> 00:16:40,129
♪ Loves a social worker.
457
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,264
♪ Men.♪
458
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:47,136
Hi. Uh, my girlfriend is about
to leave for San Francisco,
459
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:50,096
and I need a ticket
on the 7:35 flight.
460
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:52,054
Unfortunately,
there'’s only one seat left,
461
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:53,925
and that'’s in first class.
462
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,536
Oh, how much is it?$1,100.
463
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,104
Oh, go to hell!
464
00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,280
I'’m sorry, that was not,
uh, directed at you.
465
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,804
Uh, you know what,
uh, uh, Karen?
466
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:05,067
Uh, is it possible
that someone
467
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:07,330
who already has a coach seat
468
00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:10,203
could be bumped for some reason?
469
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,552
Or...
470
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:14,424
say, if I give you...
471
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:15,860
ten reasons?
472
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:20,865
And you give me
five reasons back?
473
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,391
Sir, I cannot accept a bribe.
474
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,089
And I certainly cannot
give you change for a bribe.
475
00:17:27,176 --> 00:17:29,352
You don'’t understand
how important it is
476
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,659
for me to get this ticket!
477
00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:34,357
I will do anything.
478
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,924
Anything.
479
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,101
Perhaps Karen wants
480
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:41,277
to get her groove back?
481
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,758
There is one thing you can do.
482
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:44,846
Name it.
483
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,283
You can give me $1,100.
484
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,329
I just... I just need
to get to that gate
485
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:50,895
before my girlfriend
boards that plane.
486
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:52,984
I-I need to tell her
that-that I-I love her
487
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,639
and I was wrong and I want
to spend my life with her.
488
00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,511
I'’m sorry, you should'’ve
mentioned that before.
489
00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:01,471
We have a special fare
for big romantic gestures.
490
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:04,605
And it'’s $1,100.
491
00:18:05,736 --> 00:18:07,042
Fine.
492
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,044
I'’ll go.
493
00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:13,527
Karen: 1,100.
494
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:16,225
Love: zero.
495
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:21,883
♪ When a man loves a woman
496
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:23,363
♪ He can'’t keep his mind... ♪
497
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:25,365
I also remembered
how you love Michael Bolton.
498
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:27,367
[laughs]
499
00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:30,979
Michael Bublé.
500
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,155
Oh.
501
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,374
♪ If she'’s bad,
he can'’t... ♪
502
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:35,375
Bolton.
503
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,986
You know any Bublé?
504
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:40,162
God, no.
505
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,598
Okay, we'’re done here.
506
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:43,948
What are you looking at?
507
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,080
Get the hell
out of here, Bolton!
508
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,647
Fine.
509
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:47,865
I gave up singing
the national anthem
510
00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:49,128
at the Lakers game for this.
511
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,568
♪ When a man loves
512
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:57,310
♪ Grilled cheese sandwiches.
513
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,529
[door closes]
514
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:02,532
So, what do you say?
515
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,534
Will you give us another chance?
516
00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:07,885
Walden, this is kind of
the man-woman playbook.
517
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,453
I dumped you, and now
you want to be with me
518
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:12,673
because you want
what you can'’t have.
519
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,675
Oh, God, you'’re so smart.
Let'’s make out.
520
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:15,632
I'’m serious.
521
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:17,330
Well, so am I!
522
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,027
Come on, you'’re kind
and you'’re generous.
523
00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:21,334
And it... and it'’s cute
how you turn on the water
524
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:24,163
in the bathroom so you think
I can'’t hear you peeing.
525
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,468
Plus, we'’re good
in bed together.
526
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,340
True.
527
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:28,906
Although, after Alan,
anyone was gonna look good.
528
00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:31,170
Okay, I will give you,
like, a billion dollars
529
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,607
if you never
bring that up again.
530
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:35,261
Look, you don'’t have
to give me money
531
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,045
when you want me to do
something-- just ask.
532
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:40,048
Why can'’t you be my husband?
533
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,578
I have to admit, it
would be kind of nice
534
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,537
to have Bolton
singing right now.Oh.
535
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:54,932
♪ When a man loves a woman...
536
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,630
♪ Men.♪
537
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,201
♪ Men.♪
538
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:05,291
Boarding pass?Oh!
539
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,162
Here you go, good sir.
540
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,425
This is a Chinese takeout menu.
541
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:12,036
Okay, okay, um, I do not have,
542
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,473
uh, a boarding pass.
543
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,692
But if you will let me
go to that gate,
544
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,217
I'’ll do anything.
545
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:21,045
Anything.
546
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:23,352
You can'’t go to the gate
without a boarding pass.
547
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,354
Have you ever been in love, sir?
548
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,008
Yes. With America.
549
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,358
Who I'’m here to protect.
550
00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:31,839
That'’s why nobody gets through
without a boarding pass.
551
00:20:31,926 --> 00:20:33,493
Someone left a bag unattended!
552
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,103
Lyndsey!
553
00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,322
We'’ve got a runner!
554
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:37,801
Lyndsey! Lyndsey!
555
00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:38,846
Alan?
556
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:40,151
Lyndsey!
[stuttering]
557
00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:45,896
I-I-I-I-I love-love-love-love-
love-love you-you-you-you-you!
558
00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:47,463
I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m
p-p-p-p-peeing!
38920
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