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1
00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:04,047
Previously
onTwo and a Half Men...
2
00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:05,396
I'’m not gay.
Does Alan know?
3
00:00:05,483 --> 00:00:07,398
Can we kiss again?Yeah.
4
00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:09,183
Do you want to go up to my...Let'’s go.
5
00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:11,011
Oh...
6
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,796
LOUIS:
Walden, can you come here?
7
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,450
It'’s fine.
I-I'’ve waited for two years.
8
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,104
I can wait a little bit longer.
9
00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:19,280
Walden?
10
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:26,287
Parenting rule number four:
sleep is better than sex.
11
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:29,899
♪ Men.♪All right, Louis,
12
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:31,857
let'’s go over
the rules again.
13
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,511
We don'’t talk to strangers.
14
00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:35,296
Don'’t climb the rock wall alone.
15
00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,472
And?
16
00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:40,518
We don'’t eat anything
we find in the ball pit.
17
00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:41,824
All right, now,
go have fun.
18
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,173
[squeals]
19
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:44,348
All right, Alan,
20
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:46,220
let'’s go over your rules.
21
00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:48,657
Uh, if I find a wallet,
I have to turn it in.
22
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:51,660
Uh, no haggling
over the corn dog prices.
23
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,183
And?
24
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,360
No standing underneath the moms
25
00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,188
on the rock wall.The rock wall. Yes.
26
00:00:58,275 --> 00:01:00,451
Oh, great.
27
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:01,409
What?
28
00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:02,758
Laurel'’s here.
29
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:03,889
ALAN:
Oh.
30
00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,891
So go talk to her.
31
00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:07,806
What am I supposed to say?
"I'’m sorry about our date.
32
00:01:07,893 --> 00:01:09,721
"It'’s just that I prefer
sleeping with a six-year-old kid
33
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,854
to sleeping with you."
34
00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,335
Oh, oh, it'’s okay. I'’m-I'’m
talking about my own son.
35
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,208
You know,
maybe I'’ll just avoid her.
36
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:20,689
If I wanted to avoid every woman
I ever embarrassed myself
37
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,517
in front of,
I'’d never leave the house.
38
00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:24,910
I'’d even have to steer clear
of the UPS lady.
39
00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:27,826
She looked in the window
and caught me...
40
00:01:27,913 --> 00:01:30,351
handling my own package.
41
00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,788
You know,
it'’s not the things that you do,
42
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:35,051
so much as the way
that you say them.
43
00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,487
No, no.
44
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:38,794
It-It'’s also the things
that you do.
45
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:40,883
Okay, you know,
I just wish there was a way
46
00:01:40,970 --> 00:01:42,493
to, like,
jump over the awkwardness
47
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,408
and get right
into the conversation with her.
48
00:01:44,495 --> 00:01:46,193
You know what, I think I can...
I can help you with that.
49
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,150
Laurel!
50
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:51,328
Look who'’s here! And awake!
51
00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,113
Hey, guys.
52
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,115
I'’ll, uh... I'’ll leave
you two lovebirds alone.
53
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,029
I'’m gonna go check on Louis.
54
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,510
Hey, remember how we used
to have to pretend to be gay?
55
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:02,513
Crazy, right?
[chuckles]
56
00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,343
I'’m sorry I didn'’t call.
57
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,171
And I'’m-I'’m sorry
58
00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:11,043
I fell asleep instead
of having sex with you. I...
59
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:14,438
Will you stop
walking by?
60
00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:16,353
I really am sorry.
61
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,050
I'’m not mad.
62
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,489
Though you are now in my phone
as Rip Van Walden.
63
00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:23,926
I'’m sorry, what was that?
I just nodded off.
64
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:28,104
So, what you been up to?
65
00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:29,932
Oh, you know, not much. Just...
66
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,629
training for a marathon,
67
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,805
developing an international
photo sharing app,
68
00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:35,851
and I'’m writing
a young adult novel.
69
00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:37,026
Wow. Really?
70
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:38,593
No, I have a six-year-old.
71
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:43,075
All I do is come here
and eat food on a stick.
72
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,426
Well, do you want to... maybe...
73
00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:47,471
schedule another playdate?
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00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:48,907
I would love that.
75
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,996
I mean, Lily would love that.Oh.
76
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:53,129
Louis would also love it.
77
00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:54,217
Imagine
78
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:55,436
all the... games
79
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,220
that they would play together.
80
00:02:57,307 --> 00:03:00,789
Yeah. And all the, uh, toys
they would play with.
81
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,531
Toys? I-I hope none
of them are...
82
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:05,620
a choking hazard.
83
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,839
Wouldn'’t matter to me.
84
00:03:07,926 --> 00:03:10,581
I don'’t have a gag reflex.
85
00:03:12,366 --> 00:03:14,281
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
86
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:17,806
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
87
00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:24,378
♪ Men.♪
88
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:25,640
Morning.
[groans]
89
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,032
How'’s the neck?
90
00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:28,730
Not good.
91
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,384
Yeah. Well, I told you not
to stand under that mom
92
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:31,646
on the rock wall.
93
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,954
That'’s why we have rules!
94
00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:38,609
Yeah, well, wearing underwear
on the rock wall
95
00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:42,004
should be one of those.
96
00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:44,572
Hey, Louis, are you excited
about your playdate with Lily?
97
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:45,790
I guess.
98
00:03:45,877 --> 00:03:47,227
"I guess."
99
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,318
You got a cute girl
coming over here.
100
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,189
You should be
popping in the...
101
00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:57,193
Kidz Bop Slow Jamz
and putting some Sunny D on ice.
102
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,456
Do I have to share my Legos
with her?
103
00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:02,807
Of course not. It'’s a playdate.
You'’re not marrying her.
104
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,418
Alan.
105
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,072
Yes, we should share
everything we can--
106
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:09,161
our toys, our books, our...
107
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,511
sausage links.
108
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,295
ALAN:
If I could move
109
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:15,037
my neck, I'’d give you such
a look right now.
110
00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:17,996
The lesson is
that we should all share.
111
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,608
Okay. I got to poop.
112
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:23,175
Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing?
113
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,177
Sharing.
114
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,223
No. No, that'’s taking!
115
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:30,531
That'’s my job in this house!
116
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,097
♪ Men.♪
117
00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:33,447
So what'’s the deal?
118
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,536
Pinched nerve?
Slipped disk?
119
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:38,539
The official diagnosis?
You'’re old.
120
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:41,063
Very funny. I'’d like
a second opinion.
121
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:43,718
All right,
you'’re also out of shape.
122
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:45,676
Come on, I'’m in decent shape
for my age.
123
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:46,895
Eh...
124
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,985
Look, Alan, when you get
to be our age,
125
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,291
you get a little more fragile.
126
00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:52,814
You-you don'’t
bounce back as easily.
127
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,642
The only thing
that bounces back is that belly
128
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:56,644
when I poke it.
[chuckles]
129
00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:58,341
Stop it.
130
00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:00,430
I used to be
in the same boat as you.
131
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:01,953
Then I found
this awesome new gym,
132
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,781
put myself
on a regular workout program.
133
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:06,175
Now I'’m in the best shape
of my life.
134
00:05:06,262 --> 00:05:07,916
Surprised you didn'’t notice.
135
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,918
Oh. Oh, yeah.
You, uh... you look great.
136
00:05:10,005 --> 00:05:13,051
It'’s too late, Alan.
The damage has been done.
137
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:14,749
You should come down
and work out with me.
138
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:16,533
It'’s, uh, nothing
but hot women in yoga pants
139
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,405
as far as the eye can see.
140
00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:20,581
Sure, it'’s a little creepy
if you look right at '’em,
141
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:23,845
but, uh, there are mirrors
everywhere.
142
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:25,499
Yeah. I guess I could break out
143
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,892
the old headband
and leg warmers.
144
00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:29,981
Great. Hey, uh,
since I got you here,
145
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:32,549
it'’s, uh... it'’s been a year
since your last prostate exam.
146
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,377
Oh, no.
147
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:37,119
If it makes you feel any better,
you get a lollipop afterwards.
148
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:39,948
Well, I'’ve done a lot more
for a lot less.
149
00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,736
♪ Men.♪
150
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:51,307
Aw.Aw.
151
00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:52,961
It'’s like the eye
of a hurricane.
152
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,615
It'’s eerily quiet now,
but in an hour
153
00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:57,792
everything will be broken
and wet.
154
00:05:57,879 --> 00:06:01,622
Well, at least I'’m not the
only one who falls asleep
155
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:04,059
when cute girls
are around.
156
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:07,149
Aw. Thanks so much
for having us.
157
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:08,411
I'’m very impressed
with this spread.
158
00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:11,066
What kind of cheese is this?
159
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:12,937
Uh...
160
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,983
okay, I have to confess.
161
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:16,985
They'’re Lunchables.
162
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:19,683
That'’s the yellow cheese,
163
00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:22,773
but I also have the orange
and the white.
164
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:26,647
No. No, thanks. I'’m gonna save
room for the Fruit Roll-Up.
165
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,692
So tell me,
166
00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:31,434
how is it that a guy like you
is not already married
167
00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:34,437
to some-- I don'’t know--
gorgeous swimsuit model?
168
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:38,093
Okay, you obviously haven'’t seen
Alan in a Speedo.
169
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,138
I'’m-I'’m serious.
170
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:43,054
You'’re sweet, you'’re
good-looking, you'’re successful.
171
00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:45,317
What the hell is wrong with you?
172
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,669
Okay. I'’ve been told...
173
00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:51,280
that I listen too much.
174
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,675
Which is a common problem
175
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:57,112
among men
whose penises are too large.
176
00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:58,940
[snorts]
177
00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:02,030
Uh, well, I-I also have this...
178
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:05,555
this teeny, tiny quirk
where, uh,
179
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:09,037
I screw up relationships as soon
as they start going well.
180
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:11,735
Oh. That'’s encouraging.
181
00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:13,650
Oh, oh. No, no, no.
But don'’t worry, uh,
182
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:15,522
'’cause this isn'’t going well
at all.
183
00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:17,828
Well, I'’m glad
to hear you say that
184
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,788
'’cause... I was
about to leave.
185
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:23,878
Oh.
186
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,706
Mmm, okay.
That-that kind of behavior
187
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,403
can get you put in time-out.
188
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:30,928
[chuckles]
Time-outs don'’t work on me.
189
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,365
I need to be spanked.
190
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,414
[chuckles]
191
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:41,591
Looks like someone needs
to be sent to my room.
192
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,120
Wow. Look at the Lululemons
on her.
193
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:51,906
Did I tell you
or did I tell you?
194
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:53,516
Yeah.Be cool, though.
195
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,387
Getting tagged as a lurker
is a hard label to shake.
196
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,085
So I'’ve heard.
197
00:07:57,172 --> 00:07:58,608
Oh, oh, check
out the redhead.
198
00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:00,436
Her shorts say "Juicy."
199
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,090
If our garments
are being honest,
200
00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:04,571
mine would
say "Aroused."
[chuckles]
201
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:07,269
Ooh, look at the blonde
on the yoga ball.Mmm,
202
00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:09,880
bouncy, bouncy,
bouncy...
203
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,534
Lyndsey?
204
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:12,927
Alan.
205
00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:14,406
How did I not recognize her?
206
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,713
I'’ve got to look
at more faces.
207
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,062
I didn'’t know
you were a member here.
208
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,543
Herb.
209
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:21,936
I see they'’ve reinstated
your membership.
210
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:24,068
The appeals process
was arduous,
211
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:26,941
but, ultimately,
justice was served.
212
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,682
So, uh, how'’s everything?
213
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,074
Good. I'’m sober again.
214
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,989
I traded booze for exercise.
215
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:34,905
You know, whenever I want a
drink, I come here instead.
216
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,473
Good thing this place
is open 24 hours.
217
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,649
Well, I'’m really happy for you.
You look great.
218
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,173
I also think
you look great.
219
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:44,045
In fact,
as a medical professional,
220
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:46,308
my opinion is "wowza."
221
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:48,484
Thanks. Anyway, I got to go.
222
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,268
It'’s time for my spin class.
223
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:52,314
Oh, so, uh...
so you went from a-a room
224
00:08:52,401 --> 00:08:55,056
that was spinning
to a room for spinning.
225
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:56,579
[chuckles]
226
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:58,102
You know... glug,
glug, glug, glug.
227
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:01,584
[dizzy, retching sounds]
228
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:02,803
[chuckles]
229
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:03,978
Anyway, great seeing you.
230
00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:05,762
Yeah.
231
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:08,286
I missed this.
232
00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:09,810
Wow, she looks amazing.
233
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,638
Did you see how flat
her stomach is?
234
00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,509
She'’s always had great abs.
All that dry heaving
235
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:14,989
gives you a hell
of a six-pack.
236
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,991
So, uh, you two are over?
237
00:09:17,078 --> 00:09:19,515
Oh, yeah. You know,
it'’s complicated with me
238
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,386
and Walden and Louis.
Plus, you know, I don'’t know
239
00:09:21,473 --> 00:09:23,998
that Lyndsey and I were
ever really good for each other.
240
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,043
Kind of like me and lactose.
241
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,479
That'’s too bad.Mmm.
242
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,133
Mind if I take a crack at her?
243
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:30,482
What?
244
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,223
You two aren'’t together anymore.
245
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:36,401
Maybe the cure for what ails her
is a little Herb-al essence.
246
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,708
Dude, you already married
my ex-wife,
247
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:40,884
you moved into my house,
and earlier today
248
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,494
you had your finger halfway
to my liver.
249
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,497
Maybe we share enough as it is.
250
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,499
Okay, I get it. Bro code.
251
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,240
Thank you.
252
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:52,983
Just so you know, that exam
was no picnic for me, either.
253
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,814
[moaning softly]
254
00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,511
Did you hear that?
255
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,688
I think it was the
kids downstairs.
256
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,428
What kids?
[chuckles]
257
00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:05,039
Oh.
[chuckles]
258
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:07,128
You'’re right.
It was probably nothing.
259
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:08,869
[grunting]
260
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,701
Oh, wait. What if one of them
walks in on us?
261
00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:16,267
I had a hard enough time
explaining
262
00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:17,834
where milk comes from.
263
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,967
Do you want to lock the door?
264
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,969
Yes.
265
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:27,539
[chuckles]
266
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,586
Mmm. Oh, no, no, no.
267
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:31,805
What if there'’s an emergency?
268
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,589
What if they need
to come get us?
269
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:35,504
What-what... what if
there'’s a burglar or a fire,
270
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,898
or a burglar who sets a fire
as a distraction?
271
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,116
Oh, no, no.
272
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,204
[laughs]
273
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:42,642
Not on my watch!
274
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,774
Oh, my God, you'’re adorable.
275
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,950
But if you can'’t stop worrying
all the time,
276
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,213
you'’re never gonna
have sex again.
277
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,215
Oh, my God.
278
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,176
I'’m never gonna have sex again.
279
00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:57,526
You'’re used
to single-people sex.
280
00:10:57,613 --> 00:11:00,877
That'’s a luxurious four-course
meal at a fine restaurant.
281
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:03,271
Parent sex is a drive-through.
282
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:05,012
Get in, get out,
283
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:07,275
hope you don'’t get anything
on your shirt.
Oh.
284
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:10,017
Looks like your order
just got supersized.
285
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:11,888
[laughs]
286
00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:15,109
[moaning]
287
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:16,588
LOUIS:
Walden?
288
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,026
Yes! Coming! Right there!
289
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:21,158
Oh, God, are you okay?
290
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:24,945
I'’m fine. Good news is,
you finally got my bra off.
291
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,034
♪ Men.♪
292
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:32,300
♪ Men.♪
293
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,431
Morning.
294
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:34,781
Morning. Where'’s Louis?
295
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:36,696
I sent him to take a bath.
296
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,394
Oh, by the way, if you want
syrup on your French toast,
297
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,004
catch him before
he hits the water.
298
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,440
No. No French toast for me.
299
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,181
I'’m hitting the gym
a little later.
300
00:11:44,268 --> 00:11:47,881
Oh, uh, by the way,
the beach is that way.
301
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:50,884
Oh, look at that.
302
00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:54,104
Uh, my fitness band says
that my pulse rate is 87.
303
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:56,672
Tell me when it
gets to zero.
304
00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,500
Yeah, joke all you want,
305
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:00,937
but this little gizmo tracks
all my physical activity.
306
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:04,114
So far today, I have burned...
400 calories.
307
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:05,812
Oh, wow. Did you go for a run?
308
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,335
Nope, never left my bed.
309
00:12:07,422 --> 00:12:09,685
Oh, come on!
310
00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:12,340
So, how was your playdate
with Laurel?
311
00:12:12,427 --> 00:12:15,560
Okay, let-let me...
let me ask you guys something.
312
00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:18,738
When you had young kids, and
they were still in the house,
313
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:22,263
did you have a hard time,
like... you know...
314
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:25,875
♪ Bow chicka wow wow?
315
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:29,531
Oh. Oh, well, Jake walked in on
Judith and me countless times.
316
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,707
Eventually, we stopped
having sex altogether.
317
00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:35,058
Those aren'’t related.
318
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,104
I just...
I don'’t know what to do.
319
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:40,237
It'’s like, Louis is stealing
your sausage and blocking mine.
320
00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,283
Well, sooner or later,
you just get over it.
321
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:44,589
Uh, but in the meantime,
why don'’t you take her out
322
00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:46,287
for a romantic night to a hotel?
323
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:49,072
Oh. I like that.
324
00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:51,031
Plus, people do all kinds
of things in hotels
325
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:52,467
they don'’t do at home.
326
00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:54,948
Like pay eight dollars
for peanuts.
327
00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:58,168
I used to love
to have sex in hotel rooms.
328
00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:00,257
Then they caught me,
and they fired me.
329
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,262
♪ Men.♪
330
00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:16,099
Do you want to work in?
331
00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:17,057
What?
332
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:19,886
Oh, oh, uh, work in, yeah.
333
00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:21,452
Uh, definitely want to work in.
334
00:13:21,539 --> 00:13:23,106
Why else would I be
sitting here?
335
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,108
Thanks. [laughs]
No problem.
336
00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:30,200
Just, uh, show you
the proper technique.
337
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:32,768
Mm.
338
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,726
Here we go. [sighs]
339
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,076
[laughs]
340
00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:39,253
[grunting]
341
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:42,517
Aah!Oh, aah.
342
00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:44,171
Bum shoulder. Yeah.
343
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,565
Got it the last Iron Man.
344
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:50,177
The movie, not the triathlon.
345
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:52,657
I slipped in the lobby
on some artificial butter.
346
00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:56,226
Oh.
There we go,
lighten the load, and, uh...
347
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:57,662
One time, here we go.
348
00:13:57,749 --> 00:13:59,664
[laughs]
349
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:05,322
[groaning]
350
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:06,715
[passes gas]
351
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,325
Oh, God!
352
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,635
Nice meeting you!
353
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:15,985
Hey, Alan.
354
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,291
Oh. Oh, hey,
Lyndsey. Oh, hey.
355
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:18,814
Yeah, I was just, uh...
356
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,511
I was just doing the,
uh, the fly machine.
357
00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:22,513
You know, working out.
358
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:23,950
You'’re really committing
to this workout thing.
359
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:25,734
I'’m impressed.
360
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:28,084
I know. I haven'’t been anyplace
two days in a row
361
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,043
since Jersey Boyswas touring.
362
00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:33,046
Where'’s Herb?Uh, in the office.
363
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,265
He got all excited about
an outbreak of pinkeye.
364
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,833
When kids see pink,
Herb sees green.
365
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,008
Well, tell him I said "hi."
366
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:40,401
Oh, I don'’t know
367
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:41,837
if that'’s such
a great idea.
368
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:42,838
What do you mean?
369
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,535
Well, get this.
370
00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:46,363
Uh, after we saw you
the other day,
371
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:49,366
he wanted to know
if it was okay to ask you out.
372
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,194
But don'’t worry. I told him no.
373
00:14:51,281 --> 00:14:53,762
What?
374
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:56,156
You have no right
to decide who I go out with.
375
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,245
Oh, come on, Lyndsey.
I mean, how would you feel
376
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,377
if one of your friends wanted
to go out with me?
377
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:04,599
Shocked, stunned,
like I need new friends.
378
00:15:04,686 --> 00:15:06,166
Look, I am just trying to help.
379
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:07,689
You just got sober.
380
00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,430
I mean, before you move
onto somebody else,
381
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:10,953
you should probably
get over your breakup
382
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,041
with Captain Morgan.
383
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,825
Are you freaking kidding me?!
384
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,480
If I want to go out with Herb,
it is none of your business.
385
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,743
In fact, nothing I do
is any of your business!
386
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,615
Just stay the hell
out of my life!
387
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,881
Roid rage.
388
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:27,883
[laughs]
389
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,885
Phew.
390
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,237
♪ Men.♪
391
00:15:34,324 --> 00:15:37,284
[laughing]:
Okay.
392
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:40,026
This was officially
a great idea.
393
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:42,071
Did you like the way
I checked us in?
394
00:15:42,158 --> 00:15:44,813
Mr. and Mrs. R. Doinit?
395
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,294
Um, I like to go
by my maiden name--
396
00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:48,948
Gettin'’ Some.
397
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:50,950
Hey, check this out.
398
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:53,735
[laughs]
399
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:56,390
I just walked across the floor
without stepping on a Lego.
400
00:15:56,477 --> 00:15:58,000
[gasps]
401
00:15:58,087 --> 00:15:59,654
Look, there'’s chocolate
on the pillows,
402
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:01,786
and it'’s not even in the shape
of a handprint.
403
00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:04,398
Oh. Get over
here, woman.
Uh-uh.
404
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:06,443
No, no. I'’ve got
a surprise for you.
405
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:07,792
A surprise?
406
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:09,185
Mm-hmm.
Yay! What is it?
407
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:11,187
Oh, I'’ll give you a hint.
408
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:16,497
It'’s lacy, it'’s new, and you get
to bite the tags off.
409
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:18,542
If it'’s big enough
to have tags on it,
410
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:19,674
I already don'’t like it.
411
00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,634
♪ Men.♪
412
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:26,246
[doorbell ringing]
413
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:29,553
Alan, what are you doing here?
414
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,208
Well, I felt bad about earlier,
and I wanted to apologize.
415
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:33,427
These are for you.
416
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,429
For me, huh?
417
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:40,303
"Mr. Schmidt, thank you so much
for your generous donation
418
00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:41,957
to the children'’s hospital."
419
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,438
Um, I-I did not see that.
420
00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,528
HERB:
Is that the pizza guy?
421
00:16:51,923 --> 00:16:52,837
Herb?
422
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:54,796
Alan, what are you doing here?
423
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:57,668
What are you doing here, and...
and why are you wearing my robe?
424
00:16:57,755 --> 00:17:00,497
I'’ll let you guys talk.
425
00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:03,848
Alan, you showing up here
is the second best thing
426
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:06,634
that'’s happened to me today.
427
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,464
What the hell, Herb?
428
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:13,075
Believe me, I had no intention
of going behind your back,
429
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:15,425
but out of nowhere, Lyndsey
invited me over for dinner,
430
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,210
and I thought,
"What'’s the harm?"
431
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:18,689
Well, then, dinner
turned into dessert,
432
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:22,867
and dessert turned into,
well, sex with Lyndsey.
433
00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:24,565
This hurts, Herb.
434
00:17:24,652 --> 00:17:26,175
Yesterday you were
tickling my prostate,
435
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,177
and today you'’re
stabbing me in the back.
436
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:29,570
Hey, it'’s your fault.
437
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:31,137
You made me forbidden fruit.
438
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:36,011
I was off-limits,
like dancing in Footloose.
439
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:38,187
Look, I'’m sorry
it happened like this.
440
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,537
And, well, if you want me
to stop seeing her,
441
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:42,539
just say the word,
and it'’s over.
442
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:43,714
LYNDSEY:
Herb?
443
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:44,976
Well, you had your chance.
444
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,030
What do you think?
445
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:56,727
It'’s horrible. Take it off.
446
00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:57,989
[laughs]
447
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,384
Oh!
Ooh!
448
00:18:03,343 --> 00:18:04,866
[phone chirps]
449
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:07,086
No!
[laughs]
450
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:08,522
It'’s okay. Get it.
451
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:10,176
[sighs]
452
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,701
Okay, babysitter wants to know
453
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:16,617
if Lily can have ice cream
for dessert.
[laughs]
454
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:20,055
"Don'’t care. Getting laid."
455
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,578
[mutters]
456
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:22,884
No, I just wrote "Yes."
457
00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:24,886
[laughter]
458
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:27,671
Oh, hey, you know, next time, we
should just get one babysitter,
459
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:30,979
and then Louis can sleep
over with Lily at my house,
460
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,938
and I can sleep over
with you at your house.
461
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:35,940
Yeah, maybe.
462
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,118
Wait, wait,
whoa, hold on.
463
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:41,555
Do you not want there
to be a next time?
464
00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,818
I mean, please
reserve your judgment
465
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,298
until after the
first time.
466
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,300
[laughs]
I rarely
467
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:50,346
disappoint a woman sexually
before we have sex.
468
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:54,655
No, it'’s just...
all kids have their differences.
469
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:57,832
But I don'’t want to talk
about Louis and Lily right now.
470
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:00,139
In fact, I don'’t want
to talk at all.
471
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,706
I got better things
to do with my mouth.
472
00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:06,014
Wait a second.
Wait a second. Hold on.
473
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:07,755
Wait. Louis and Lily
don'’t get along?
474
00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:09,496
Well, you know how kids are.
475
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,454
One week, they like each other;
the next, they don'’t.
476
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,587
So Louis doesn'’t like to share.
477
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:15,415
Lucky for you, I do.
478
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,634
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
479
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:19,593
Louis does not have
a problem sharing.
480
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,162
In fact, I just talked to him
specifically about sharing.
481
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:26,339
I'’m sorry. Lily must
have made it up.
482
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,732
That'’s probably it. Okay.
483
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,517
Wait a second.
484
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:33,172
So you'’re okay
with saying that Lily'’s a liar,
485
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:35,130
but you can'’t admit
that Louis has issues?
486
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:37,219
[laughs]
Oh. Okay, hold on.
487
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:39,830
I think I would know
if my son has issues.
488
00:19:39,917 --> 00:19:41,267
Right, '’cause
you'’ve been a parent
489
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:42,659
for all of, what, two weeks?
490
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:45,880
Two and a half.
[sighs]
491
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:47,577
And fancy you
lecturing me.
492
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,144
The mother of
Lily the biter.
493
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,190
What? Lily'’s not a biter.
494
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,844
All the other parents
call her "Lily-goat."
495
00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:56,325
You know what?
This was a bad idea.
496
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,022
Oh, yeah, it was...
497
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,329
[bleating]:
baa-aa-aa-aa-aad.
498
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,157
That was a sheep.
499
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:06,161
And if this is how
you talk to women in bed,
500
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,207
then no wonder
you had to marry Alan.
501
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:11,558
[gasps]
You will leave my husband
out of this!
502
00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:13,908
You don'’t even know
what you'’re missing.
503
00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:16,476
You were about to have
the hottest sex of your life!
504
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:17,999
Oh, oh, easy for you to say
505
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:19,870
since you don'’t have
to back it up.
506
00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:22,221
Oh, you want me to back it up?!
'’Cause I'’ll back it up!
507
00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:24,179
Yeah, back it on up!
508
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:25,572
Oh, what, are we gonna have sex?
509
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,487
Shut up!
Oh...
510
00:20:27,574 --> 00:20:29,053
[yelps, chuckles]
511
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:31,186
Okay, I see where Lily
gets her biting.
512
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:38,802
♪ Men.♪
513
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:41,196
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
514
00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:42,893
[exhales]
515
00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:46,723
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
516
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,682
[panting]
517
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,468
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
36888
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