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1
00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:03,742
♪ Men.♪
2
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Okay. Hold up your gifts.
3
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Everybody has to see the gold
and frankincense and myrrh
4
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,313
so they know
we'’re the three wise men.
5
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,881
It'’s 88 degrees out.
6
00:00:11,968 --> 00:00:13,448
I don'’t have any myrrh.
7
00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:16,581
Unless it'’s the biblical term
for "swamp ass."
8
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:18,366
We want this
to be mantel-worthy.
9
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:20,890
We want people to say, you know,
"Look at those costumes,
10
00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:22,979
"look at that view,
look at Cher'’s house
11
00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:25,460
perfectly positioned
over Alan'’s right shoulder."
12
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,028
Oh, it'’s got to be
better than last year.
13
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:30,943
Me as Joseph,
Berta as the Virgin Mary
14
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,294
looking down at you in a diaper.
15
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,339
People loved that.
16
00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:37,211
Okay, here we go.
17
00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:38,342
[camera beeps]
18
00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:40,649
Now everybody say...
19
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,694
Sweet baby Jesus!
20
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,783
Sweet baby Jesus!
21
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:46,220
Sorry about that.
22
00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:47,525
Oh, that'’s so cute.
23
00:00:47,612 --> 00:00:49,397
You guys are dressed
as Duck Dynasty.
24
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:53,357
No. We'’re the three kings
of Bethlehem.
25
00:00:53,444 --> 00:00:54,967
Oh, right.
26
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,839
I don'’t get HBO.
27
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:59,407
Guys, look at him.
28
00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:04,064
Isn'’t he the cutest
in his little robe and beard?
29
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:05,761
You want my gold?
30
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,980
WOMEN:
Oh!
31
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,853
First cute girl he meets, he'’s
already giving away his money.
32
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:15,379
You know, I think I have a
better idea for a holiday card.
33
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,294
[camera clicks]
34
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:18,861
[to "Jingle Bells"]:
♪ Men-men-men, men-men-men
35
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,037
♪ Men-men-men, men-men.
36
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,299
[bells jingling]♪ Men, men, men, men
37
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♪ Manly men, men, men
38
00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,868
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.
39
00:01:30,046 --> 00:01:31,439
♪ Men.♪
40
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,136
I found
the fake snow!
41
00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:34,616
Oh.
42
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:37,314
It looks real.
43
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,663
Yeah. I love a white Christmas.
44
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,361
So did Charlie.
45
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,841
He used to put snow
on every mirror in the house.
46
00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:44,930
Okay.
47
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,715
Hey, hey, buddy, why
don'’t you go inside
48
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:48,325
and write your letter to Santa?
49
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Santa'’s not real.
50
00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:50,806
What?
51
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,764
Of course he is.
52
00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:55,115
He'’s never brought me
anything I asked for.
53
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,117
Hey, I am sure
54
00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:59,597
that Santa'’s gonna come through
for you this year, buddy.
55
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:01,686
That'’s what grown-ups
always say.
56
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,516
Come inside with me.
57
00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:09,216
I made gingerbread Zippys.
58
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,435
I was gonna make
gingerbread houses,
59
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:13,959
but everybody knows
Zippys don'’t have houses.
60
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:19,748
A six-year-old boy
who doesn'’t believe in Santa.
61
00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,793
How sad is that?
62
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,622
Almost as sad as my
20-year-old boy who does.
63
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:26,668
This sucks.
64
00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:29,105
Just '’cause he grew up
in a group home doesn'’t mean
65
00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:31,107
that he can'’t enjoy
the magic of Christmas.
66
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,414
I know. It was always
Jake'’s favorite holiday.
67
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:34,893
Especially the year he turned 13
68
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,591
and got his first
Christmas boner.
69
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,769
It was the only toy
he played with all day.
70
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:43,293
Hey, you know,
I bet Louis would believe
71
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,382
if we got him
exactly what he wanted.
72
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:46,949
I don'’t know what he wants.
73
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:48,255
ROSE:
He wants a bike.
74
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:50,257
God! Rose.
75
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,433
What are you
doing here?
76
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:53,956
Wait. How do you know
about Louis?
77
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,828
Oh, Walden, you'’re so adorable.
78
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:59,440
I just wanted to bring by
my homemade Christmas candies.
79
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,093
Do you like nuts?
80
00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:05,315
Covered in chocolate, yes.
81
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,317
With a sweater and skirt, no.
82
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:09,363
Oh. Okay.
83
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,453
On this day, Walden'’s heart
shrank three sizes.
84
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:13,976
Anyway,
85
00:03:14,063 --> 00:03:16,065
I know this time of year
can get busy,
86
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,154
so if you need a helping hand,
I'’m here.
87
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:21,244
I can wrap presents or babysit
or read a Christmas story.
88
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,898
I'’m great at doing voices.
89
00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:25,161
Or hearing them.
90
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,815
What do you want, Rose?
91
00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:29,470
My DNA, my fingerprints,
a lock of my hair?
92
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:31,036
No, silly.
93
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:32,995
I have all that.
94
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:34,518
I want to be your friend again.
95
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,128
I don'’t think
that I'’m comfortable
96
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,869
with you being around Louis.
97
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,784
Or me.
98
00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:42,134
If you want to hang out
with Alan, that'’s fine.
99
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,573
I'’ll pass.
100
00:03:47,139 --> 00:03:49,011
♪ Men.♪
101
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:52,841
Here you go-- a little
Christmas cheer for everyone.
102
00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:56,105
Ugh! What is this?
103
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,019
It'’s eggnog.
104
00:03:57,106 --> 00:03:58,281
With no rum!
105
00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:02,503
Eggnog without booze
is as boring and bland
106
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,461
as church without booze.
107
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:10,598
Be a dear and go get some
rum for your grandmother.
108
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,775
Evelyn, he'’s six years old.
109
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:16,430
Oh. Yes, right.
110
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:20,390
The rum is in a bottle
with a pirate on it.
111
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:24,089
Maybe-maybe we can wait
until Louis goes to bed.
112
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,917
Of course.
113
00:04:26,004 --> 00:04:27,354
So run along to bed, dear.
114
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,225
Mom.
115
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,183
If you don'’t go to sleep,
Santa won'’t come.
116
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,315
There is no Santa.
117
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,404
What?! Of course there is.
118
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,928
Santa'’s as real
as the nose on my face.
119
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:38,234
[clears throat]
120
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:41,977
Well, he'’s as real as my...
121
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,416
Trust me, he'’s real.
122
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:50,377
You know, she'’s right, and
tonight we'’re gonna prove it,
123
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:54,076
because we got
a Santa cam,
124
00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:57,993
so we can catch
the big man in red on video.
125
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,821
Santa Claus!
126
00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:01,213
Old Saint Nick!
127
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,259
[French accent]:
Papa Noel.
128
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,261
[Italian accent]:
Babbo Natale.
129
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,176
[German accent]:
Weihnachtsmann.
130
00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:11,876
Which, of course,
means "Christmas man" in German.
131
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:14,009
Teachable moment.
132
00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:16,054
The-the point is,
in the morning,
133
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:18,013
when you see
him on video,
134
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,797
then you'’ll believe
he'’s real, right?
135
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:20,929
I guess.
136
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,366
I guess?! What?
137
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:25,107
It'’s a Christmas miracle!
138
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:27,109
Did you hear that, Alan?
Did you hear that, Evelyn?
139
00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:28,763
[imitating Jimmy Stewart]:
You hear that, Clarence?
140
00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:30,852
Merry Christmas, you wonderful
old building and loan!
141
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:34,464
Okay, off to bed you go.
142
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,988
And soon, you'’ll have
visions of sugar plums
143
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:38,947
dancing in your head.
144
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,341
Can I have some pirate rum?
145
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,386
No, we don'’t want visions
146
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:46,084
of pink elephants
dancing in our head.
147
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:50,306
Okay, you go brush your teeth,
and I'’ll be in in a minute.
148
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,003
When Alan was little
and couldn'’t sleep,
149
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,657
I used to give him whiskey.
150
00:05:53,744 --> 00:05:56,530
Breast-feeding
doesn'’t count, Mother.
151
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:59,054
So here'’s the plan.
152
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:01,186
Santa'’s not actually coming.
153
00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:02,710
You don'’t say.
154
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,538
But how awesome is this?
155
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:07,279
We got the number two guy from
the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
156
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,194
So, if the giant
157
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,632
Bullwinkle balloon breaks loose
and kills the number one Santa,
158
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,111
this is the guy.
159
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:14,374
ALAN:
Yeah.
160
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:15,984
He also appeared as Santa
161
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:18,160
on an episode of
Walker, Texas Ranger.
162
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:23,818
He and Chuck Norris fought the
bad guys with Christmas fu.
163
00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:27,691
So, when he gets here,
he'’s gonna take the presents
164
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,867
that we bought for him, and he'’s
gonna put them under the tree,
165
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,608
and then we'’ll get it on video,
166
00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:35,482
and then Louis will have the
perfect Charlie Brown Christmas.
167
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,832
[to "Hark the Herald
Angels Sing"]:
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou
168
00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:40,008
♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou
169
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,488
BOTH:
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou
170
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,533
♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou
171
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:47,145
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou,
Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou... ♪
172
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:48,320
I need rum.
173
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,583
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou
174
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,062
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou...
175
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:52,542
♪ Men.♪
176
00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,152
Santa'’s here!
177
00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:56,764
I give you
Kris Kringle.
178
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:00,811
Are you smoking pot?
179
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,378
Of course not.
180
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,381
Don'’t worry.
181
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:07,339
Santa'’s got a prescription card.
182
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,385
Well, apparently, the presents
183
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:11,343
have already been
delivered in Colorado.
184
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,606
[clears throat]
185
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,564
Here. Come on in.
186
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:20,004
I'’m Walden.
This is Alan and, uh, Evelyn.
187
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:22,354
Uh, wh-what do you go by?
Mr. Claus?
188
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,660
[chuckles]
189
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:25,488
[Italian accent]:
Babbo Natale?
190
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,709
[German accent]:
Weihnachtsmann?
191
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,885
Actually, it'’s Frank.
192
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:32,974
It'’s not very Christmasy.
193
00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:34,541
Well, if you don'’t like it,
194
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:37,282
I can hang some mistletoe
over my ass.
195
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,025
That'’s my son
you'’re talking to.
196
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:42,766
Good one.
197
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,640
I-I... I'’m sorry.
We'’re-we'’re just really excited.
198
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,859
It'’s our first Christmas
with our foster son.
199
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:50,992
Uh, basically,
what we'’re gonna do is
200
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,255
film you putting the presents
under the tree.
201
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,387
Uh, and then I'’ve written
a little something
202
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,911
for you to say to Louis.
203
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:58,260
Let me guess.
204
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:01,829
"Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas, Louis!"
205
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:03,570
Oh, that'’s better.
206
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:04,658
Go with that.
207
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,268
Okay, okay, okay,
and then...
208
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:08,618
then you'’ll take a
bite of the cookie,
209
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:11,882
you'’ll crunch the carrot,
you'’ll sip the milk,
210
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,494
wink at the camera, jiggle
your belly and leave.
211
00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:17,584
So it'’s toys,
bite, crunch,
212
00:08:17,671 --> 00:08:19,455
sip, wink,
jiggle, leave.
213
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:22,893
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.
214
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:25,113
Got it?
215
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,289
So you want me to be Santa.
216
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:31,162
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.
217
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:34,426
That sounds a lot like an orgy
I had in Palm Springs once.
218
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,429
♪ Men.♪
219
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,823
All right,
let'’s get this stuff wrapped
220
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:42,870
so we can enjoy this holiday
the way I always imagined.
221
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:46,787
Listening to Michael Bublé'’s
Christmas album...
222
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:49,267
with my husband.
223
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:52,444
Aw, looks like Alan'’s getting
his first gift early.
224
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,404
Where'’s the boy'’s bike?
225
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,406
Oh, right here.
226
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:01,366
That'’s not a boy'’s bike.
That'’s a box.
227
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,674
The boy'’s bike'’s in the box.
228
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:07,329
Tell me the boy'’s bike
in the box has been built.
229
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,636
Oh, no, they wanted $75
to assemble it.
230
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:12,813
That'’s like ten pairs of pants.
231
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,467
I was paying for it!
232
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,600
Oh, come on.
233
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,559
How hard could it be?
234
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,128
♪ Men.♪
235
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:25,695
Uh, sorry, looks like
it'’s gonna be
236
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,479
a little longer
than we expected.
237
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,873
Uh, any chance you know how
to put together a bike?
238
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,834
Right now, I'’m too buzzed
to have a tool in my hand.
239
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:38,316
I'’m just buzzed enough
to have a tool in mine.
240
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,582
Well, ho, ho, ho.
241
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,235
Exactly.
242
00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,802
Here.
243
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:49,327
Let me get us both
a little more eggnog.
244
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:53,244
Um, Santa, did you drive your
own sleigh over here tonight?
245
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:55,986
Nope. Santa Ubered.
246
00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:00,948
Oh, well, uh, hope your driver
was named Rudolph.
247
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,602
[laughs]
248
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,212
Um, so what'’s going on?
249
00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:06,083
Does Santa know you'’re married?
250
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:09,347
Does the IRS know
you don'’t have five children?
251
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,787
Marty and I have
an open marriage.
252
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,397
And since he'’s 93,
253
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:18,792
my end opens a little more
frequently than his.
254
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:21,098
As does your mouth.
255
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:24,972
That'’s one of the ends
I was talking about.
256
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:29,063
Here you go.
257
00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:32,675
You'’re running low on eggnog,
so this one is all rum.
258
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,721
[laughs]
Thank you.
259
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,853
You know, this is a situation
260
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,899
where Santa doesn'’t
need a little helper.
261
00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:43,294
So on, Prancer.
262
00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:44,774
Fine.
263
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,733
But just know this:
264
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:49,692
I am not afraid to give Santa
a negative review on Yelp.
265
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,087
♪ Men.♪
266
00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:55,959
Okay, I can'’t make heads
or tails of these instructions.
267
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:57,395
They'’re barely in English.
268
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,876
Uh, "The bolts of turning
269
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:03,575
"shall revolve clockwords
270
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:07,449
as in above figure below."
271
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:11,105
Does it say anything about
roommate of cheapness shall have
272
00:11:11,192 --> 00:11:14,238
foot inserted
in back hole till tight?
273
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:15,718
Oh.
274
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,546
I guess on the first day
of Christmas,
275
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,374
my true love threatened me.
276
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,115
I'’m sorry, but it'’s Louis'’s
277
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:22,594
first Christmas
not in the group home,
278
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,422
and I want it to be perfect.
279
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,120
No Christmas is ever perfect.
280
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,774
There'’s always gonna be a toy
281
00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,645
that'’s broken
or the wrong kind of batteries.
282
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:31,299
I mean, even on
the very first Christmas,
283
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:34,606
Mary and Joseph woke up
to the smell of donkey crap.
284
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,957
I know. I just...
285
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,959
I want him to believe in Santa,
286
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:40,656
and-and get this bike
287
00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:43,920
and-and wake up to a
winter wonderland.
288
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:46,183
Not that I ordered
a truckload of snow.
289
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:49,621
I didn'’t get reindeer!
290
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,102
Well, they'’re endangered.
291
00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:55,018
We could still make
Christmas special for Louis.
292
00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:57,281
We just got to finish this bike.
We can do this.
293
00:11:57,368 --> 00:12:00,154
You'’re right. We got
an M.I.T. engineer and a...
294
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:02,504
formerly board-certified
chiropractor.
295
00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:04,506
Yeah, now we'’re talking.
296
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:05,986
I mean, this can'’t
be more difficult
297
00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,857
than realigning someone'’s spine.[scoffs]
298
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:09,859
Here.
[chuckles]
You know, you got, uh...
299
00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:12,906
you got your, uh, your L2,
uh, connected to your L3.
300
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,995
[chuckles]
And all we have to do is
301
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:17,954
put the right pressure
on the right spot and...
302
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:24,047
Uh, and that is why I am
303
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:28,008
a formerlyboard-certified
chiropractor.
304
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:29,357
♪ Men.♪
305
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:32,099
[bells jingling rhythmically]
306
00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:35,015
EVELYN [moaning]:
Oh, Santa.
307
00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:37,495
[bells jingling faster]
308
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:39,497
Oh, Santa!
309
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,197
Oh, no.
310
00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:44,502
[bells jingling rapidly]
311
00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:47,505
SANTA:
Here comes Santa Claus!
312
00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:51,335
Here comes
Santa Claus!
313
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,511
♪ Men.♪
314
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,430
♪ Men.♪
315
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:00,867
Oh, my God.
316
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:01,998
What happened?
317
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,826
I saw Mommy banging Santa Claus.
318
00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:08,831
What?It'’s 1972 all over again.
319
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:12,139
We have a problem.
320
00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:13,880
Yes, you have a problem.
321
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:17,100
You are the Christmas whore!
322
00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:20,582
Be that as it may, I think
I killed Santa Claus.
323
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:23,106
Oh, God!
324
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,108
It'’s exactly like 1972!
325
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:28,546
♪ Men.♪
326
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,113
Is he gonna be okay?
327
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,854
Yeah, It was just
atrial fibrillation.
328
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,943
He just needs some medication
and a few days rest.
329
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,381
You hear that, sweetheart?
I'’ll be fine by New Year'’s.
330
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:39,862
I'’ll be counting down
till the balls drop.
331
00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,259
Well, thank God Louis
didn'’t see any of this.
332
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:46,738
He would'’ve been
traumatized.
333
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,176
Louis? What about me?
334
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,874
The man almost died
while he was having sex with me.
335
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,269
That'’s not easy to get over.
336
00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:57,793
No matter how many times
it happens.
337
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:01,710
Okay, well, all right,
well, there you have it.
338
00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,712
Merry Christmas, Louis.
339
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:07,411
Your grandmother banged Santa
within an inch of his life.
340
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:09,936
Here'’s half a bike!
341
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:11,633
W-We can salvage this.
342
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,504
There'’s still enough time
to-to finish the bike,
343
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:15,680
wrap the other gifts
and get them under the tree.
344
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,726
Okay, you'’re right.
345
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,685
Louis will be asleep
for six more hours.
346
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:22,296
LOUIS:
Walden?
347
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,646
Oh, come on!
348
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:27,040
I heard a noise. Did Santa come?
349
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,476
Sadly, no.
350
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:33,089
♪ Men.♪
351
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:35,091
All right.
352
00:14:35,178 --> 00:14:36,440
Where'’s Evelyn?
353
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:38,790
Oh, well, uh...
354
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,793
she went to her house
to play with...
355
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,099
her toys.
356
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,188
All right, time for bed, bud.
357
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,711
That'’s right.
Santa'’s on his way.All right.
358
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,844
If Santa is real,
359
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:51,455
then how does he get in all
the kids'’ houses in one night?
360
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:54,850
Well, he'’s got
Christmas magic.
361
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:57,200
And how does he know
where everybody lives?
362
00:14:57,287 --> 00:15:01,335
Well... that'’s the magic
of Google Maps.
363
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:02,989
All right.
364
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:05,556
Good night, buddy.
Time to go to sleep.
365
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,950
Can you guys stay with me
till I fall asleep?
366
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,475
Sure.
Yeah.
367
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:15,175
It'’s not like we need to help
Santa assemble toys.
368
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,614
He pays his elves
$75 to do that.
369
00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,531
That'’s Timothy'’s spot.
370
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,141
Oh, oh, okay.
371
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:26,186
Um...
372
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,144
I guess, uh...
373
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,417
Good boy.
374
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,421
♪ Men.♪
375
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:49,861
Alan?
376
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,124
Mm-hmm?
377
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,388
Oh, oh, my God!
378
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,867
Oh, don'’t flatter yourself.
379
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,392
I get one every morning.
380
00:15:58,479 --> 00:15:59,654
Where'’s Louis?
381
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:01,090
Hmm?
382
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,396
It'’s 7:00.
We fell asleep.
383
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:04,180
Oh, crap. Th-The bike.
384
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:05,921
The presents.
What are we gonna do?
385
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:08,706
Well, is it too late to
tell him we'’re Jewish?
386
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,580
What the...
387
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,886
Santa came! He is real!
388
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,236
Did you...?
389
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:17,541
No.
390
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,195
He'’s on the video.
391
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:26,246
You didn'’t see Grandma Evelyn
wrestling with Santa, did you?
392
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,857
No, just Santa.
393
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,902
ALAN:
That'’s...
394
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,383
Santa.
395
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:34,732
Oh, my God.
396
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:36,952
If the Easy Bake Oven
I have always wanted
397
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:40,216
is under that tree,
it is gonna blow my mind.
398
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,175
Can I go outside
and ride my bike?
399
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,264
Sure.
400
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:45,743
Alan, do you
want to...?
401
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,093
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
402
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:49,443
Uh, let'’s go, buddy.
[chuckles]
403
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:51,445
Looks like we had
a great Christmas
404
00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:53,403
and saved $75.
405
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:11,987
Rose?
406
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,294
All right, come on, Rose,
I know you'’re down there.
407
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:15,425
Actually, I'’m
behind you.
408
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:16,861
Ah, son of a...!
409
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,560
How do you do that?
410
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:21,214
Whydo you do that?!
411
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:23,825
Oh, a girl'’s got to have
a little fun.
412
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,696
Merry Christmas.
413
00:17:25,783 --> 00:17:28,830
I-I cannot believe that you
went to all that trouble for us.
414
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:32,051
You mean you can'’t believe
Santa went to all that trouble.
415
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,270
Okay, then I guess
416
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:37,317
I need to say
thank you to Santa.
417
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,319
Well, he doesn'’t
do it for the thanks,
418
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,972
he does it because
he genuinely wants
419
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,974
to make the people
in his life happy.
420
00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:45,412
Are you happy, Walden?
421
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,414
I am.
422
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:50,373
I-I couldn'’t have imagined
a better Christmas morning.
423
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:54,160
I mean, other than waking up
with Alan poking me in the back.
424
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:56,466
Listen, I...
425
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:59,948
I'’m sorry that I said
I didn'’t want you around.
426
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:01,515
Oh, please.
427
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:03,430
It'’s not like every time
somebody says
428
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,823
something mean to me, I write
it down in a big book called
429
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:08,304
"Those Who Have Wronged Me."
[chuckles]
430
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,132
That'’s funny.
431
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:11,960
I think.
432
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:16,399
Well, I told you before,
I just want to be your friend.
433
00:18:16,486 --> 00:18:18,401
Well, you are.
434
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,229
And...
435
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,188
I'’m sorry if I forgot that.
436
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:23,928
Oh.
437
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,713
[chuckles]
438
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,715
Oh, hey, but how did Santa
439
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,847
manage to put
that bike together?
440
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:32,763
The instructions couldn'’t
have been any clearer.
441
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,983
"The bolts of turning
shall revolve clockwords
442
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:36,680
as in above figure below."
443
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,900
[chuckles]
Duh.
444
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:42,599
Yeah. Duh.
445
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:44,819
Do you guys have
big plans for later?
446
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:46,777
Uh, no, just the usual.
447
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,084
Open gifts, call family,
448
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:51,130
hope that you get
their voice mail.
449
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,480
Oh, the best part is
Alan'’s gonna deep-fry a turkey,
450
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:56,309
so there'’s a 50/50 chance
he'’ll catch himself on fire.
451
00:18:56,396 --> 00:18:58,267
Oh, I got you guys
452
00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:01,270
a little something
for the house.
453
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:02,967
And I hope that every time
you look at it,
454
00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:04,186
you'’ll think of me.
455
00:19:04,273 --> 00:19:05,883
[chuckles]
456
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:08,669
Oh! A cuckoo clock.
457
00:19:08,756 --> 00:19:10,410
I get it. '’Cause you'’re...
458
00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:11,411
[whistles]
459
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:12,455
[chuckles]
460
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:13,630
What?
461
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:16,938
No.
462
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:19,027
Because it'’s red like a rose.
463
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,161
How could you
hurt me on Christmas?
464
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,119
I'’m sorry. I-I...
465
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,165
I thought it was...Oh, I'’m just kidding.
466
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:29,037
No, it'’s totally
'’cause I'’m cuckoo.
467
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:32,475
Well, Merry Christmas, Walden.
468
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:38,438
Merry Christmas, Rose.
469
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:41,963
[clock chiming, cuckooing]
470
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,008
[laughs]
471
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:47,273
How cute is that?
It'’s a tiny Rose.
472
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,580
Wait, is that her real hair?
473
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,582
ROSE:
No, it'’s yours.
474
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,323
♪ Men.♪
475
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,590
♪ You better watch out,
you better not cry ♪
476
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:02,636
♪ You better not pout... You know,
477
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:05,421
this is what Christmas
is all about.
478
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:08,859
Family, Bublé,
479
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:11,862
deep-fried turkey.
480
00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:13,560
Life is good, Alan.
481
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,518
Hmm. It is.
482
00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:25,049
Um, can you cut mine for me?
483
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:27,051
Deep-fried fingers.
484
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:31,708
[clock chiming, cuckooing]
485
00:20:35,886 --> 00:20:37,758
That was sweet of Rose.Yeah.
486
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:40,021
You know, I-I'’ve always
been so cynical of her.
487
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:42,806
Maybe she does just want
to be friends, you know?
488
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,678
♪ Now, he sees you
when you'’re sleeping... ♪
34252
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