All language subtitles for According to Jim S05E06 - Anec-Donts (2005) WEB-DL 1080p.ENG

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,072 --> 00:00:02,572 "ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN, BOY DETECTIVE, 2 00:00:02,573 --> 00:00:05,675 "THEN SAID, 'I KNOW WHO DID IT.' 3 00:00:05,676 --> 00:00:08,007 "HOW DID ENCYCLOPEDIA KNOW?" 4 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,110 TURN TO THE SOLUTION PAGE, DADDY. 5 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:12,682 I DON'T NEED TO, HONEY. I ALREADY KNOW. 6 00:00:12,683 --> 00:00:14,184 IT WAS WILFORD WIGGINS. 7 00:00:14,185 --> 00:00:17,347 I MEAN, EVERYBODY ELSE'S ALIBI WAS ROCK-SOLID. 8 00:00:17,348 --> 00:00:20,090 I THINK BUGS MEANY DID IT. 9 00:00:20,091 --> 00:00:23,253 I DON'T THINK SO, KYLE. 10 00:00:23,254 --> 00:00:25,255 HE SAID HE WAS WATCHING TV, 11 00:00:25,256 --> 00:00:28,129 BUT THE POWER WAS OUT 'CAUSE OF THE STORM. 12 00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:42,312 DON'T FEEL BAD, HONEY. EVEN THE BOOK GOT IT WRONG. 13 00:00:42,313 --> 00:00:50,313 ♪♪♪ 14 00:00:51,222 --> 00:00:54,125 AHH. 15 00:00:55,826 --> 00:00:58,058 ANDY, I DON'T HEAR A THING. 16 00:01:00,091 --> 00:01:01,361 OH, THERE WE GO. 17 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,832 COME ON, GUYS. 18 00:01:02,833 --> 00:01:04,834 OH, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, MAN. 19 00:01:04,835 --> 00:01:06,836 JUST PLEASE STAY OUT OF MEDICAL BAG. 20 00:01:06,837 --> 00:01:08,798 WELL, IT WAS RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW? 21 00:01:08,799 --> 00:01:11,272 OKAY. WHO'S GOT MY SPECULUM? 22 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,405 YOU MEAN MY METAL BIRD PUPPET? 23 00:01:15,406 --> 00:01:18,179 CAW! CAW! 24 00:01:20,511 --> 00:01:22,152 HELLO! 25 00:01:22,153 --> 00:01:23,253 HEY. 26 00:01:23,254 --> 00:01:24,754 WHO WANTS TO HEAR 27 00:01:24,755 --> 00:01:27,117 ABOUT THE BEST TRIP TO THE MARKET EVER? 28 00:01:27,118 --> 00:01:28,518 I DO! 29 00:01:28,519 --> 00:01:30,860 REMEMBER... REMEMBER HOW I TOLD YOU THE FUJI APPLES 30 00:01:30,861 --> 00:01:33,523 WERE GONNA BE INCREDIBLE THIS YEAR 31 00:01:33,524 --> 00:01:35,525 BECAUSE OF ALL THE RAINFALL IN JAPAN? 32 00:01:35,526 --> 00:01:37,467 DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE SOME OF THOSE APPLES 33 00:01:37,468 --> 00:01:40,099 IN THAT BAG RIGHT NOW. I DO! I DO. 34 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,173 I GOT THERE JUST AS THEY WERE PUTTING THEM OUT. 35 00:01:43,174 --> 00:01:44,434 ISN'T THAT LUCKY? 36 00:01:44,435 --> 00:01:47,877 HA! LUCKY, HONEY, OR GOOD SHOPPING? 37 00:01:47,878 --> 00:01:50,680 OH. I GUESS A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH. 38 00:01:50,681 --> 00:01:52,182 YEAH. 39 00:01:52,183 --> 00:01:54,814 I HOPE THERE'S ROOM IN THE CRISPER! 40 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,817 OH, FINGERS CROSSED! 41 00:01:58,849 --> 00:02:01,891 WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? 42 00:02:01,892 --> 00:02:03,893 I MEAN, COME ON, WERE YOU ACTUALLY LISTENING 43 00:02:03,894 --> 00:02:05,895 TO ANYTHING SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT? 44 00:02:05,896 --> 00:02:07,597 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 45 00:02:07,598 --> 00:02:11,261 COME ON, SHE WENT TO THE MARKET. I DON'T GIVE A CRAP. 46 00:02:11,262 --> 00:02:14,164 LOOK, IT'S A HUSBAND'S DUTY 47 00:02:14,165 --> 00:02:17,167 TO LISTEN TO THEIR WIFE, WHATEVER THEY HAVE TO SAY, 48 00:02:17,168 --> 00:02:19,209 EVEN IF IT'S A LITTLE BORING. 49 00:02:19,210 --> 00:02:20,540 YOU KNOW, JIM, I'M TRYING. 50 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:22,542 I'VE REALLY BEEN TRYING HARD, YOU KNOW? 51 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:25,515 BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, DANA COMES HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY, 52 00:02:25,516 --> 00:02:27,817 AND SHE STARTS YAMMERING ABOUT HER DAY, RIGHT? 53 00:02:27,818 --> 00:02:30,820 AND I TUNE HER OUT, AND THEN SHE STARTS YELLING AT ME, 54 00:02:30,821 --> 00:02:32,822 WHICH MEANS NO SEXY-SEXY. 55 00:02:32,823 --> 00:02:36,486 OF COURSE NOT. LISTENING IS THE FOREPLAY. 56 00:02:36,487 --> 00:02:39,158 THERE IS NOTHING HARDER 57 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,830 THAN PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED 58 00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:43,793 IN YOUR WIFE'S END-OF-THE-DAY STORIES. 59 00:02:43,794 --> 00:02:46,536 WELL, THEN HELP ME OUT. HOW DO YOU DO IT? 60 00:02:46,537 --> 00:02:48,868 YOU GOTTA FIND SOMETHING THAT'S EXTREMELY BORING 61 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,770 AND PAY ATTENTION TO IT. 62 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,772 HEY, ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? 63 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:53,943 NOTHING. WHY? 64 00:02:53,944 --> 00:02:56,646 WHY DON'T YOU TAKE RYAN OUT FOR A DRINK, 65 00:02:56,647 --> 00:02:59,509 TELL HIM ALL ABOUT YOUR "STAR TREK" CONVENTION? 66 00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:01,482 OH, HELL, YEAH. 67 00:03:03,214 --> 00:03:05,615 DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD WORK UP TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 68 00:03:05,616 --> 00:03:07,487 SINK OR SWIM. 69 00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,489 OH, WHAT A DAY IT WAS, OKAY? 70 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,491 WE'RE AT THE V.F.W. HALL IN DECATUR. 71 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:14,324 MY FRIEND JEFFREY'S DRESSED AS A ROMULAN. 72 00:03:14,325 --> 00:03:17,768 I FEEL THIS TUG ON MY CAPE. I'M THINKING... 73 00:03:18,829 --> 00:03:19,929 AHEM. 74 00:03:19,930 --> 00:03:21,601 OH, MY GOD! 75 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,673 I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN THE KITCHEN. 76 00:03:23,674 --> 00:03:25,905 YOU'RE LIKE A RABBIT. YOU'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE. 77 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,338 I WAS UPSTAIRS SHOWING THE APPLES TO THE KIDS. 78 00:03:28,339 --> 00:03:29,509 OH, GREAT! 79 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,710 YEAH, YEAH. 80 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,712 THE BORING APPLES THAT YOUR BORING WIFE 81 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,346 GOT AT THE BORING MARKET. 82 00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:39,519 I'M GONNA GO CLEAN OUT THAT CRISPER. 83 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,892 NO, YOU ARE NOT! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ME? 84 00:03:42,893 --> 00:03:44,894 HOW COULD YOU EVEN HEAR ME? 85 00:03:44,895 --> 00:03:47,897 HOW IS IT THAT EVERY TIME THERE'S SOMETHING I SAY 86 00:03:47,898 --> 00:03:50,560 THAT I DON'T WANT YOU TO HEAR, YOU HEAR IT? 87 00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:53,232 IT'S LIKE YOU GOT FBI EARS. YOU WORK FOR THE FBI! 88 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,234 WELL, MAYBE IF I WORKED FOR THE FBI, 89 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,836 I WOULDN'T BE SO BORING. 90 00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:59,639 WELL, HONEY, OBVIOUSLY, IF YOU HAD A GUN AND YOU FOUGHT CRIME, 91 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,871 YOU'D BE A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING. 92 00:04:01,872 --> 00:04:03,873 HONEY, I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE BORING. 93 00:04:03,874 --> 00:04:04,974 WELL... 94 00:04:04,975 --> 00:04:06,576 YOU'RE NOT, HONEY. 95 00:04:06,577 --> 00:04:09,579 ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY, 96 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:11,951 SOMETIMES YOUR STORIES DON'T SING. 97 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,654 OH, I SEE, AND YOUR END-OF-THE-DAY STORIES 98 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:15,955 ARE SO FASCINATING. 99 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,888 (deep voice) "HEY, I WENT TO A LUMBERYARD TODAY." 100 00:04:18,889 --> 00:04:21,491 (imitating Jim grunting) 101 00:04:21,492 --> 00:04:24,534 I DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT, CHERYL. 102 00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:27,967 EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT I AM INTERESTING. 103 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,939 I AM A NATURAL-BORN STORYTELLER. 104 00:04:29,940 --> 00:04:31,571 I AM A SHOWMAN. 105 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,444 OH! 106 00:04:34,445 --> 00:04:35,475 A SHOWMAN. 107 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,477 I AM A SHOWMAN. UH-HUH. 108 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:41,651 WHEREVER I GO, IT SEEMS LIKE THE SPOTLIGHT FINDS ME. 109 00:04:41,652 --> 00:04:44,514 YES, I AM A TELLER OF TALES, IF YOU WILL. 110 00:04:44,515 --> 00:04:46,717 I AM A RACONTEUR. 111 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,921 THIS IS GOOD. 112 00:04:51,922 --> 00:04:53,924 WHERE DID YOU GET THESE? 113 00:04:59,930 --> 00:05:04,904 HONEY, HONEY, I AM JUST AN INTERESTING KIND OF GUY. 114 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:07,306 INTERESTING THINGS HAPPEN TO ME. 115 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,838 WHY... (chuckles) 116 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:11,981 I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF SOMETHING INTERESTING 117 00:05:11,982 --> 00:05:14,985 DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN. 118 00:05:21,692 --> 00:05:23,994 I DIDN'T EVEN PLAN THAT TO HAPPEN. 119 00:05:25,055 --> 00:05:27,357 UHH! UHH! 120 00:05:27,358 --> 00:05:30,700 (coughing) 121 00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:32,963 UHH! UHH! UHH! 122 00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,808 LOOK, I JUST SAVED A LIFE. 123 00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,545 OH, MY GOD, CHERYL! 124 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,877 YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED. WHAT? 125 00:05:47,878 --> 00:05:51,050 GUESS WHO WAS IN FRONT OF ME AT THE COFFEE SHOP... OPRAH! 126 00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,122 (gasps) NO WAY! 127 00:05:53,123 --> 00:05:55,124 HA HA! IT GETS BETTER. 128 00:05:55,125 --> 00:05:58,027 OPRAH FORGOT HER WALLET, AND SHE WAS TOTALLY MORTIFIED, 129 00:05:58,028 --> 00:06:00,089 BUT I CAME TO HER RESCUE. 130 00:06:00,090 --> 00:06:02,662 I BOUGHT OPRAH COFFEE. 131 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,434 YOU BOUGHT COFFEE FOR OPRAH? 132 00:06:04,435 --> 00:06:05,965 YES! 133 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,767 THAT'S LIKE BUYING COFFEE FOR... 134 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,769 THERE'S NOBODY BIGGER THAN OPRAH. 135 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,871 I KNOW! LOOK, SHE EVEN AUTOGRAPHED MY CUP. 136 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,703 OH, MY GOD. 137 00:06:13,704 --> 00:06:15,405 "THANKS A LATTE"? 138 00:06:15,406 --> 00:06:17,647 OH, MY GOD! 139 00:06:17,648 --> 00:06:20,149 I KNOW. SHE JUST CAME UP WITH THAT ON THE SPOT. 140 00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:22,151 IS THERE ANYTHING OPRAH CAN'T DO? 141 00:06:22,152 --> 00:06:25,855 THAT IS SUCH A GREAT STORY. 142 00:06:25,856 --> 00:06:26,916 I KNOW. 143 00:06:26,917 --> 00:06:28,888 WHAT DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT? 144 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,421 MOSTLY ME, AND THEN SHE HAD TO GO. 145 00:06:31,422 --> 00:06:33,993 OH, I HAVE GOT TO CALL RYAN. 146 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,865 OH, WAIT. YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HIM YET? 147 00:06:35,866 --> 00:06:38,598 NO, YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I TOLD! 148 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:39,899 OKAY, DANA. HMM? 149 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,902 I NEED YOUR OPRAH STORY. WHAT? 150 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,675 YEAH, I NEED TO TELL JIM IT HAPPENED TO ME. 151 00:06:45,676 --> 00:06:47,908 NO WAY. THAT'S MY STORY. 152 00:06:52,883 --> 00:06:55,044 SEE? 153 00:06:55,045 --> 00:06:57,747 LOOK, NOW YOU HAVE AN EVEN BETTER STORY 154 00:06:57,748 --> 00:07:00,520 ABOUT HOW SOME CRAZY LADY RUINED YOUR CELL PHONE. 155 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:03,422 COME ON. HEY, HEY, HEY, GIVE ME THAT CUP. NO. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. 156 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,955 WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS? 157 00:07:05,956 --> 00:07:08,498 BECAUSE JIM SAID I WAS BORING. 158 00:07:08,499 --> 00:07:10,560 WELL... 159 00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,732 COME ON, COME ON, COME ON. GIVE ME THAT CUP. BITE ME. 160 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,063 OH, HEY, HEY, HEY! OH, OH! 161 00:07:14,064 --> 00:07:16,105 HEY, HEY, HEY, OH, OH! 162 00:07:16,106 --> 00:07:17,837 (both grunting) 163 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:21,641 OW! OKAY, LET GO, LET GO, LET GO. AHH! 164 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:24,874 I THINK IT'S CLEAR THAT I AM DESPERATE, BORING WOMAN. 165 00:07:24,875 --> 00:07:25,875 YEAH. 166 00:07:25,876 --> 00:07:27,877 AND I WANT THAT STORY, 167 00:07:27,878 --> 00:07:30,179 AND IF I DON'T GET IT... 168 00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:32,652 I'M GONNA TELL RYAN YOU NEVER GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE. 169 00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,654 TWO CREDITS SHORT. WHO CARES? 170 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,886 RYAN LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM. 171 00:07:36,887 --> 00:07:38,058 BUT MOM DOESN'T. 172 00:07:40,691 --> 00:07:42,962 THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. I'LL TELL HER. 173 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:47,236 AND I'LL TELL HER THAT YOU SPENT YOUR TUITION ON WEED. 174 00:07:47,237 --> 00:07:48,938 BUT I DIDN'T. 175 00:07:48,939 --> 00:07:50,139 OH, YEAH. 176 00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:54,044 WHO'S SHE GONNA BELIEVE... YOU OR A COLLEGE GRADUATE? 177 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,147 (groans) 178 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,051 THANKS A LATTE. 179 00:08:03,614 --> 00:08:06,185 YOU SAW OPRAH IN A COFFEE SHOP? YEAH. 180 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,887 THAT'S LIKE SEEING... 181 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,819 WELL, THERE'S NO ONE BIGGER THAN OPRAH. 182 00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:11,591 YEAH. 183 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:14,594 YEAH, AND THEN WE TALKED, YOU KNOW, FOR LIKE AN HOUR. 184 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:15,865 YOU KNOW? 185 00:08:15,866 --> 00:08:19,669 I RECOMMENDED SOME BOOKS, YOU KNOW? 186 00:08:19,670 --> 00:08:22,201 APPARENTLY, I'M A LOT LIKE GAYLE. 187 00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:26,736 REALLY? I DON'T REMEMBER THAT PART OF THE STORY. 188 00:08:26,737 --> 00:08:29,839 YEAH, WELL, YOUR MEMORY NEVER REALLY RECOVERED FROM COLLEGE, 189 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:31,211 DID IT? 190 00:08:32,983 --> 00:08:34,984 AND SHE'S OUT OF CASH. YEAH. 191 00:08:34,985 --> 00:08:37,687 I LOVE THAT PART. THAT'S IRONY, MY FRIENDS. 192 00:08:37,688 --> 00:08:39,650 I KNOW. 193 00:08:41,051 --> 00:08:43,953 YOU KNOW, DANA, YOU GO INTO THAT COFFEE SHOP EVERY DAY. 194 00:08:43,954 --> 00:08:46,857 HOW COME NOTHING INTERESTING EVER HAPPENS TO YOU? 195 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,200 OH, OH! HERE'S SOMETHING. 196 00:08:51,201 --> 00:08:54,003 HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING. I DIDN'T TELL YOU THIS. 197 00:08:54,004 --> 00:08:56,967 MY CELL PHONE BROKE TODAY. 198 00:08:58,809 --> 00:09:01,572 SO, CHERYL, DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT STEDMAN AT ALL? 199 00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,014 NO, NO. 200 00:09:05,015 --> 00:09:07,877 YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO MONOPOLIZE THE CONVERSATION 201 00:09:07,878 --> 00:09:10,921 WITH MY SILLY, LITTLE, END-OF-THE-DAY STORIES. 202 00:09:13,724 --> 00:09:17,286 SO, JIM, ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY? 203 00:09:17,287 --> 00:09:19,028 UH, YEAH. 204 00:09:19,029 --> 00:09:22,593 REALLY? HOW DID THE SPOTLIGHT FIND YOU? 205 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,266 OH! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE HOW LONG IT TOOK 206 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:31,000 TO GET TO THE MARBLE WAREHOUSE. 207 00:09:31,001 --> 00:09:32,672 HOW LONG? 208 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:35,074 WELL... 209 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,008 YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF. 210 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,351 IT'S ONLY 11 MILES. 211 00:09:42,352 --> 00:09:44,083 WOW. OH, DARN IT. 212 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,085 I REALLY HAVE TO PEE, 213 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,588 BUT I DON'T WANNA MISS THE BIG ENDING. 214 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,591 WHAT HAPPENED? 215 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:55,595 THERE WAS A LOT OF TRAFFIC. 216 00:09:57,367 --> 00:10:00,700 WELL, I, UH, AHEM. I THINK IT'S SAFE FOR YOU TO PEE NOW. 217 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,372 OH. 218 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:10,680 CHERYL WASTED ME WITH THAT OPRAH STORY. 219 00:10:10,681 --> 00:10:12,682 I'M THE INTERESTING ONE! 220 00:10:12,683 --> 00:10:15,344 I GOTTA COME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA TOP THAT. 221 00:10:15,345 --> 00:10:17,046 JIM, COME ON, MAN. 222 00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:20,049 THERE'S NO TOPPING OPRAH. 223 00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:23,152 SHE DID A WHOLE SHOW ON JEANS FOR EVERY FIGURE. 224 00:10:23,153 --> 00:10:25,655 THERE'S A WAY, THERE'S A WAY. 225 00:10:25,656 --> 00:10:28,658 COME ON. A LOT OF EXCITING THINGS HAPPEN AROUND HERE. 226 00:10:28,659 --> 00:10:30,660 WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA FOR TODAY? 227 00:10:30,661 --> 00:10:32,662 WELL, PRETTY MUCH YOU SITTIN' THERE, 228 00:10:32,663 --> 00:10:34,704 ME SITTIN' HERE, AND THEN LUNCH. 229 00:10:34,705 --> 00:10:36,035 OH! 230 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,868 AND I MIGHT GO JEANS SHOPPING. 231 00:10:38,869 --> 00:10:40,840 OH, GREAT. HEY, CHERYL, 232 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:45,075 ANDY BOUGHT A PAIR OF JEANS THAT GAVE HIM A TEARDROP ASS. 233 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,878 YEAH, THAT'S GONNA WORK. 234 00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:50,880 WHY DON'T YOU MAKE SOMETHING UP? 235 00:10:50,881 --> 00:10:53,153 CHERYL WILL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. 236 00:10:54,825 --> 00:10:57,987 THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. WHAT DO YOU GOT IN MIND? 237 00:10:57,988 --> 00:11:00,359 OKAY, OKAY. UM... 238 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,062 WE'RE ON THE WAY TO THE MARBLE WAREHOUSE. 239 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,064 OKAY. 240 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,967 UH, BUT THIS TIME, THERE IS NO TRAFFIC. 241 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,399 NO, NO, NO, MAN. THERE'S NO NOTHING. 242 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,071 ALL RIGHT. 243 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,803 WE GET UP THERE. 244 00:11:13,804 --> 00:11:18,108 WE'RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE LEFT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. 245 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:25,255 GREAT. UNTIL CHERYL REALIZES SHE'S HERE, TOO. 246 00:11:29,219 --> 00:11:31,060 SO IT WAS ONLY THEN 247 00:11:31,061 --> 00:11:33,062 THAT I REALIZED MY T-SHIRT WASN'T WHITE. 248 00:11:33,063 --> 00:11:34,063 GUESS WHAT COLOR IT WAS. EGGSHELL? 249 00:11:34,064 --> 00:11:38,197 OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE AMAZING! 250 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,470 THAT'S INCREDIBLE. 251 00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:46,936 HEY, DOC. YOU'VE BEEN TRAININ', HUH? 252 00:11:46,937 --> 00:11:48,137 NOPE. DRINKIN'. 253 00:11:48,138 --> 00:11:52,011 AH. THAT'LL HELP. 254 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,182 HEY, JIM. 255 00:11:53,183 --> 00:11:54,413 HEY. 256 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:59,288 SO... ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY? 257 00:11:59,289 --> 00:12:02,121 NO, NOT REALLY. 258 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,493 NOTHING OPRAH INTERESTING. 259 00:12:04,494 --> 00:12:07,828 OH, WELL, BABY, MAYBE TOMORROW. 260 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:12,201 (breathing heavily) 261 00:12:12,202 --> 00:12:13,732 OH, MY GOD! ANDY! 262 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:14,934 WHAT HAPPENED? 263 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,235 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? 264 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:21,440 YES, THANKS TO THIS BRAVE, BRAVE MAN. 265 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,973 THIS LION. 266 00:12:23,974 --> 00:12:25,444 WHAT HAPPENED? 267 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,446 THIS HUMBLE, HUMBLE MAN SAVED MY LIFE! 268 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:28,948 OH, COME ON. 269 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,480 SEE, WE HAD JUST GOTTEN BACK FROM THE MARBLE WAREHOUSE. 270 00:12:31,481 --> 00:12:33,983 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE WEAK. 271 00:12:33,984 --> 00:12:36,485 WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN? I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS. 272 00:12:36,486 --> 00:12:37,987 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 273 00:12:37,988 --> 00:12:40,489 WE JUST GOT BACK FROM THE MARBLE WAREHOUSE, RIGHT? 274 00:12:40,490 --> 00:12:43,092 AND ANDY WENT INTO THE SITE TRAILER TO TAKE A NAP, 275 00:12:43,093 --> 00:12:45,094 AND, WELL, I WAS OUTSIDE, 276 00:12:45,095 --> 00:12:48,167 AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, WHAT DID I SMELL? SMOKE. 277 00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:49,869 (gasps) 278 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,041 AND WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S... 279 00:12:52,042 --> 00:12:53,203 SMOKERS? 280 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,106 COME ON. RUBY? 281 00:12:57,107 --> 00:12:59,478 WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? 282 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:00,549 FIRE! 283 00:13:00,550 --> 00:13:02,411 (gasps) THERE WAS A FIRE? 284 00:13:02,412 --> 00:13:04,954 YES! THERE WERE FLAMES JUST BURNING 285 00:13:04,955 --> 00:13:06,956 UP THE SIDE OF THE SITE TRAILER. 286 00:13:06,957 --> 00:13:10,789 AND THERE WAS SMOKE INSIDE, AND I KNEW ANDY WAS THERE. 287 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,992 YOU RAN INTO A BURNING BUILDING? 288 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,264 OH, I HAD TO. I HAD TO. ANDY WAS PASSED OUT. 289 00:13:15,265 --> 00:13:18,568 FROM THE LONG DRIVE TO THE MARBLE WAREHOUSE. 290 00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:22,071 SO I WENT IN THERE. 291 00:13:22,072 --> 00:13:24,133 I WAS FIGHTING THROUGH THE FLAMES, RIGHT? 292 00:13:24,134 --> 00:13:25,905 AND THEN I PICKED HIM UP, 293 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,207 THREW HIM ON MY SHOULDER AND I WALKED OUT. 294 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,339 YOU CARRIED HIM? 295 00:13:30,340 --> 00:13:33,112 WELL, IT WAS THE ADRENALINE. 296 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,315 THAT'S A LOT OF ADRENALINE. 297 00:13:36,947 --> 00:13:39,248 WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU GET THAT SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH 298 00:13:39,249 --> 00:13:41,991 WHEN A LOVED ONE IS IN DANGER. 299 00:13:41,992 --> 00:13:44,523 WHOA, LOOK OUT. BURGERS ARE BURNING. 300 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,826 HEY. 301 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,960 SO, CHERYL, UH, 302 00:13:50,961 --> 00:13:52,903 ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY? 303 00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,338 OH, UH... 304 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,071 I GUESS NOT. 305 00:14:02,973 --> 00:14:04,214 MAYBE TOMORROW. 306 00:14:11,081 --> 00:14:14,084 (inhaling and exhaling deeply) 307 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,490 I HEARD THAT. 308 00:14:21,491 --> 00:14:23,492 COME ON. COUGH IT UP. LET'S GO. 309 00:14:23,493 --> 00:14:25,995 YOU'RE HOOKED ON THIS OXYGEN, AREN'T YOU? 310 00:14:25,996 --> 00:14:28,968 I'VE NEVER THOUGHT SO CLEARLY, JIM. 311 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,970 I BOUGHT A WHOLE CASE. 312 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,202 I GOT 48 BOTTLES UNDER THE TABLE. 313 00:14:33,203 --> 00:14:34,905 YOU WANT ONE? 314 00:14:36,206 --> 00:14:37,907 FIRST ONE'S FREE. 315 00:14:37,908 --> 00:14:39,278 GIVE ME THAT. PUT THAT DOWN. 316 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:40,479 YOU'RE CRAZY. 317 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,112 (telephone rings) 318 00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,984 HELLO? 319 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,516 OH, HI, CHERYL. 320 00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:51,561 OH, SO YOU'RE FIXING A HERO SANDWICH FOR YOUR HERO. 321 00:14:53,123 --> 00:14:54,423 WELL, THAT'S NICE, HONEY. 322 00:14:54,424 --> 00:14:56,425 I LOOK FORWARD TO COMING HOME TONIGHT 323 00:14:56,426 --> 00:14:59,298 AND HAVING THAT HERO SANDWICH. LUNCH? 324 00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,300 SHE WANTS TO COME DOWN HERE 325 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,502 AND SHOW THE KIDS THE FIRE DAMAGE. 326 00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:05,504 WHAT DO I SAY? WHAT DO I SAY? 327 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,336 MAKE SOMETHING UP! YOU'RE THE SHOWMAN. 328 00:15:07,337 --> 00:15:09,339 GIVE HER A LITTLE RAZZLE-DAZZLE. 329 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,642 WELL, HONEY, UH... 330 00:15:13,643 --> 00:15:16,085 WE'RE PRETTY BUSY. 331 00:15:16,086 --> 00:15:17,586 OH, HONEY. COME ON. 332 00:15:17,587 --> 00:15:20,589 RUBY WANTS TO TAKE PICTURES FOR HER SCHOOL PAPER. 333 00:15:20,590 --> 00:15:23,352 ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU IN A BIT. 334 00:15:23,353 --> 00:15:25,354 SHE'S GONNA BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES. 335 00:15:25,355 --> 00:15:28,057 WE GOTTA COME UP WITH SOMETHING QUICK. QUICK! 336 00:15:28,058 --> 00:15:29,528 (panting) 337 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:32,661 (inhales and exhales deeply) 338 00:15:32,662 --> 00:15:35,134 I GOT IT. YOU AND I HIT THE ROAD, 339 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,506 AND WE START NEW LIVES IN CANADA. 340 00:15:37,507 --> 00:15:39,708 TAKE ANOTHER HIT. 341 00:15:39,709 --> 00:15:41,610 (inhales deeply) 342 00:15:41,611 --> 00:15:45,114 I GOT IT. WE SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE. 343 00:15:45,115 --> 00:15:47,646 BETTER. 344 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:50,049 HA HA! YEAH! 345 00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,350 AH, LOOK AT THAT! 346 00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:52,351 WHOO! 347 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,053 I LOVE FIRE. LOOK AT THAT. 348 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,054 SO HYPNOTIZING. 349 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,056 I'M A PYRO FROM WAY BACK. 350 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,058 OH, YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE? 351 00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:02,591 UH, YEAH, BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT IT. 352 00:16:02,592 --> 00:16:04,363 OKAY, LET'S CONTROL IT OVER THERE A LITTLE BIT. 353 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:05,564 ALL RIGHT. 354 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,097 PUT A LITTLE OUT OVER THERE. 355 00:16:08,098 --> 00:16:09,268 ANDY! 356 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:12,201 WHAT THE HELL? I THOUGHT YOU FILLED THAT THING UP. 357 00:16:12,202 --> 00:16:14,003 I DID. I... THEN YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY 358 00:16:14,004 --> 00:16:15,974 TO SURPRISE ME IN THE PORT-A-JOHN. 359 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,147 OH, MY. 360 00:16:18,148 --> 00:16:20,179 (both blowing) 361 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,680 MAN, LOOK AT THAT! 362 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:24,153 I'M RUNNING OUT OF BREATH. I'M GONNA GET MY OXYGEN. 363 00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:26,355 OXYGEN?! WHERE'S THE OXYGEN? 364 00:16:26,356 --> 00:16:29,118 INSIDE THE TRAILER BEHIND THE BURNING WALL. 365 00:16:29,119 --> 00:16:31,990 EVERYBODY OUT! EVERYBODY, BACK UP! 366 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,263 GET AWAY FROM THE BUILDING NOW! 367 00:16:34,264 --> 00:16:38,027 OH! AAH! JIM! JIM, I'M STUCK! MY FOOT'S STUCK! 368 00:16:38,028 --> 00:16:39,098 HELP ME! 369 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,530 (grunting) 370 00:16:41,531 --> 00:16:43,532 ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON, HOLD ON. OW! 371 00:16:43,533 --> 00:16:45,174 WHERE'S THE KEY ON THIS THING? 372 00:16:45,175 --> 00:16:47,606 JIM! HOLD ON, HOLD ON! 373 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,279 NO, SAVE YOURSELF! I'LL TRY AND CHEW MY FOOT OFF! 374 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,681 GOOD IDEA! START CHEWIN'! 375 00:16:52,682 --> 00:16:54,443 UHH! 376 00:16:54,444 --> 00:16:56,685 JIM, PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON! 377 00:16:56,686 --> 00:16:59,188 WHO PUT THIS HERE? IT'S A SAFETY HAZARD! 378 00:16:59,189 --> 00:17:00,789 I GOT YOU, ANDY. I GOTCHA, I GOTCHA. MY FOOT! 379 00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:02,491 DOWN, JIM, DOWN! 380 00:17:02,492 --> 00:17:04,153 ANDY, HOLD ON, I GOTCHA! GO, JIM, GO! 381 00:17:04,154 --> 00:17:05,724 HOLD ON! 382 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:09,027 DRIVE, JIM, DRIVE LIKE THE WIND! AAH! 383 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,029 (screaming) 384 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,332 (Jim) KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 385 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,234 OH! OH! 386 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:16,766 KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 387 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,151 WHAT CAN I SAY? 388 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:35,085 SPOTLIGHT ALWAYS SEEMS TO FIND ME. 389 00:17:37,427 --> 00:17:40,829 OKAY, SO I'M SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE 390 00:17:40,830 --> 00:17:43,492 THAT THERE WAS A FIRE AT YOUR SITE TRAILER 391 00:17:43,493 --> 00:17:47,065 TWO DAYS IN A ROW? 392 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,568 LOOK, CHERYL... 393 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,370 FINE. 394 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:54,844 I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU THIS. I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU. 395 00:17:56,506 --> 00:18:00,479 BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS BEING CHICAGO, AND... 396 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,682 ME BEING IN THE CONSTRUCTION BUSINESS... 397 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,355 I GOT MOB TIES. 398 00:18:06,816 --> 00:18:08,817 YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. 399 00:18:08,818 --> 00:18:11,620 I JUST CROSSED THE WRONG GUYS, CHERYL. 400 00:18:11,621 --> 00:18:14,863 HMM. WHAT GUYS, JIM? 401 00:18:14,864 --> 00:18:17,426 YOU KNOW... 402 00:18:17,427 --> 00:18:20,399 JOHNNY SACK AND HIS CREW. 403 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,232 JOHNNY SACK. 404 00:18:23,233 --> 00:18:24,473 JIM... 405 00:18:24,474 --> 00:18:26,805 I WATCHED "THE SOPRANOS" WITH YOU! 406 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,738 FINE, CHERYL. FINE. 407 00:18:29,739 --> 00:18:32,141 I WANTED TO TOP YOUR OPRAH STORY. 408 00:18:32,142 --> 00:18:34,543 I'M COMPETITIVE! I'M A SHOWMAN! 409 00:18:34,544 --> 00:18:37,316 I WANTED TO BEAT YOU SO BAD THAT I ALMOST WIPED OUT 410 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:42,491 A REASONABLY SKILLED, NON-UNION CONSTRUCTION CREW. 411 00:18:42,492 --> 00:18:46,195 OH, JIM. 412 00:18:46,196 --> 00:18:47,356 OH, JIM. 413 00:18:47,357 --> 00:18:49,628 "OH, JIM." DON'T DO "OH, JIM"! 414 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,660 THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR YOU. 415 00:18:51,661 --> 00:18:53,532 YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY. 416 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:56,365 OPRAH AND I TALKED ABOUT THIS. 417 00:18:56,366 --> 00:18:58,167 WE DID. 418 00:18:58,168 --> 00:19:00,169 WE TALKED ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT IT IS 419 00:19:00,170 --> 00:19:02,171 TO BE TRUTHFUL WITH YOUR MATE. 420 00:19:02,172 --> 00:19:03,472 TELL HIM, CHERYL. 421 00:19:03,473 --> 00:19:05,744 TELL HIM IT WAS ME WHO BOUGHT OPRAH COFFEE. 422 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,145 WHAT?! 423 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,248 I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. 424 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,250 (sighs) I NEED THE TRUTH. 425 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:14,323 HE'S DRINKING EVERY DAY BECAUSE I'M BORING. 426 00:19:14,324 --> 00:19:17,856 IT'S ALSO BECAUSE I LIKE IT. 427 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:20,589 YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? 428 00:19:20,590 --> 00:19:22,861 SHE'S JEALOUS. YOU KNOW, OPRAH SAID THIS WOULD HAPPEN. 429 00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:26,395 OH! SHE STOLE MY ANECDOTE BECAUSE YOU SAID SHE WAS BORING. 430 00:19:26,396 --> 00:19:28,537 WELL, WELL, WELL! 431 00:19:28,538 --> 00:19:31,200 OH, OH, DON'T "WELL, WELL, WELL" ME! 432 00:19:31,201 --> 00:19:32,841 YOU BLEW UP YOUR OFFICE! 433 00:19:32,842 --> 00:19:35,674 YOU BLEW UP YOUR OFFICE? THAT'S AWESOME. 434 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,376 YEAH. 435 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,378 ALL RIGHT. NOW YOU ARE GONNA SIT DOWN 436 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:42,381 AND YOU ARE GONNA LISTEN TO EVERY DETAIL OF MY OPRAH STORY. 437 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,683 OH, NO, NO, NO. LET'S LISTEN ABOUT THE BURNING... 438 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,686 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. OKAY, SO LET ME SET THE SCENE. 439 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,688 I WAS WEARING MY FAVORITE PAIR OF JEANS. YOU KNOW THE ONES. 440 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:52,661 YOU LIKE THOSE ONES. I THINK OPRAH LIKED 'EM, TOO. 441 00:19:52,662 --> 00:19:54,664 SHE WAS WEARING A SLATE BLUE-GRAY SUIT. 442 00:19:56,826 --> 00:19:59,398 OH, GREAT. 443 00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:00,769 WHAT? 444 00:20:00,770 --> 00:20:05,203 YOU'RE GONNA SIT THERE. I'M GONNA SIT HERE. 445 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,205 AND WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS 446 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,938 FOR THE NEXT SIX HOURS. 447 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,842 LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE, OKAY, HONEY? 448 00:20:13,843 --> 00:20:16,715 WE'RE BOTH BORING. 449 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,348 WE BOTH LIED. 450 00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:20,849 WE'RE BOTH CRAZY. 451 00:20:20,850 --> 00:20:23,922 CRAZY. YEAH. 452 00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,994 CRAZY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. 453 00:20:25,995 --> 00:20:27,426 WHAT? 454 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,928 WELL, WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT 455 00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,430 NOT TO BE BORING? 456 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:34,933 HONEY, YOU KNOW WHY I'M A SHOWMAN? 457 00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,865 YOU LIKE THE ATTENTION. 458 00:20:36,866 --> 00:20:40,669 YEAH. I DO. I LOVE THE ATTENTION... 459 00:20:40,670 --> 00:20:41,941 FROM YOU. 460 00:20:43,773 --> 00:20:46,275 CHERYL, YOU KNOW, MOST PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES. 461 00:20:46,276 --> 00:20:49,017 THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR KIDS, AND THEY GO TO BED. 462 00:20:49,018 --> 00:20:51,821 BUT YOU AND ME, WE GOT A LITTLE MAGIC GOING HERE. 463 00:20:54,023 --> 00:20:56,925 WE GOT ELECTRICITY. 464 00:20:56,926 --> 00:20:58,988 (imitating electricity crackling) 465 00:21:01,791 --> 00:21:06,635 WE LIE. WE BLOW THINGS UP. 466 00:21:06,636 --> 00:21:08,897 ARE YOU SAYING... 467 00:21:08,898 --> 00:21:11,600 YOU BLEW UP YOUR SITE TRAILER FOR ME? 468 00:21:11,601 --> 00:21:17,576 BABY, THAT WAS A 30-FOOT FIREBALL OF LOVE. 469 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:18,847 OH! 470 00:21:18,848 --> 00:21:22,951 THAT IS SO ROMANTIC. 471 00:21:22,952 --> 00:21:26,586 I'M A SHOWMAN. 30611

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