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1
00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:03,804
JIM, JIM, I GOT
A REAL PROBLEM.
2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:07,075
I'M MISSING A LOT OF MONEY
FROM MY ONLINE BANK ACCOUNT.
3
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,476
HOLD ON A SECOND.
4
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,478
WHAT WAS THE NAME
OF THAT GUINEA PIG
5
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,346
YOU HAD
WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
6
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,782
OH, BUTTERSCOTCH.
7
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,784
LIKE PRINCESS DI
AND JAMES DEAN,
8
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:19,187
YOU LEFT US TOO SOON.
9
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,554
NO.
10
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:23,391
SO YOU THINK SOMEONE'S
HACKING INTO YOUR ACCOUNT?
11
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,759
NO, NO, I'M VERY PROTECTIVE,
12
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:28,129
AND I'M CONSTANTLY
CHANGING MY PASSWORDS.
13
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:31,132
YEAH, I KNOW YOU ARE.
14
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,834
HEY, HOW DO YOU SPELL
YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?
15
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:37,338
G-H-A-F-A-R-R-Y.
16
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,074
BINGO.
17
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,542
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
18
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:44,445
UH, YOU KNOW, UH...
19
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,248
♪ BINGO WAS HER NAME-O
20
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,284
DAD, YOUR DELIVERY
21
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,553
FROM STEAK OF THE MONTH CLUB
CAME.
22
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,122
BINGO.
23
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,527
♪ AND BINGO WAS HER STEAK-O
24
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,429
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD
THAT VERSE?
25
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,397
JIM, I WOULD NOT
GET INTO BUSINESS
26
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,798
WITH THE STEAK PEOPLE.
27
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,800
DO YOU KNOW
THEY CHARGE ME EVERY MONTH
28
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,802
FOR MEAT I DON'T GET?
29
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:12,473
HEY, UH, LISTEN, UH,
CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
30
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,475
I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND
31
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,410
THAT LITTLE 3-DIGIT
SECURITY CODE
32
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,812
ON THE BACK OF MY CREDIT
CARD. OH, IT'S THAT LITTLE NUMBER.
33
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,814
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU
ON YOUR CARD.
34
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,417
WELL, UH, CAN YOU SHOW ME
ON YOURS?
35
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:26,420
'CAUSE MINE'S IN MY POCKET,
AND I DON'T WANT TO STAND UP.
36
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:28,822
SURE, BEST FRIEND.
LET'S SEE.
37
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:32,460
NO, UH, UH, UH, NOT THAT ONE.
THE GOLD CARD...
38
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,862
YOU KNOW, THE ONE
WITH THE HIGH LIMIT.
39
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:38,199
(laughs)
HIGH LIMIT? NO LIMIT.
40
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,201
(laughs) THAT'S IT.
41
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,403
GOT IT. BINGO!
42
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,505
HMM?
43
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:48,709
♪ AND BINGO
WAS THE NUMBER-O ♪
44
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:51,745
♪♪♪
45
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,590
HEY.
46
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,825
HEY. READY TO GO?
47
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,194
GO WHERE?
48
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,928
DID YOU FORGET?
49
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,174
TODAY'S THE DAY WE VOLUNTEERED
TO BUILD THAT NEW REC ROOM
50
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:12,366
AT THE DISABLED CHILDREN'S
CENTER.
51
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:16,704
REALLY? THAT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE ME.
52
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:19,340
I SIGNED US UP.
53
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,309
NO. YOU CAN SIGN YOU UP.
54
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,644
ONLY I CAN SIGN ME UP.
55
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,646
AND I HAVEN'T SIGNED UP
FOR ANYTHING
56
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,681
EVER SINCE THAT KID FROM AFRICA
CAME AROUND HERE
57
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:30,384
LOOKING FOR
HIS 35 CENTS A DAY.
58
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,785
OH, JIM, COME ON.
59
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,887
VOLUNTEERING IS
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
60
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:37,591
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, CAN YOU
JUST TAKE THE HIGH ROAD?
61
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:38,826
HOW DARE YOU, CHERYL?
62
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,195
I AM TOTALLY OFFENDED
BY THAT.
63
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,797
NAME ONE TIME
YOU'VE DONE A GOOD DEED.
64
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,799
I'VE DONE IT DOZENS
OF TIMES. OH.
65
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,402
OKAY, YOU WANT... YOU
WANT ONE TIME? YEAH, I DO.
66
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:50,371
ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
67
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,573
HERE'S ONE.
I AM AN ORGAN DONOR.
68
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,576
RIGHT HERE. THERE'S A STICKER ON
MY LICENSE. OKAY, OKAY, FINE. FINE.
69
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,387
YOU'LL DO ONE GOOD DEED
WHEN YOU'RE DEAD. YEAH.
70
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,713
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU AND THE CHILDREN
71
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:03,651
WILL ENJOY A HEFTY CHUNK
OF CHANGE FROM THE STATE.
72
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,687
JIM, THEY DON'T PAY YOU
FOR YOUR ORGANS.
73
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,558
REALLY?
74
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,726
NO, THEY JUST PUT 'EM
IN SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS 'EM.
75
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,328
WELL, FORGET IT.
76
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:16,597
THEY DIDN'T MAKE THAT CLEAR
AT THE D.M.V.
77
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:19,567
YOU SEE, YOU SEE, YOU SEE?
THAT IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM.
78
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,935
YOU CAN'T MAKE A HIGH ROAD
PERSON OUT OF A LOW ROAD PERSON.
79
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,904
YEAH, WELL, DOWN HERE
IN THE LOW ROAD,
80
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,274
WE DON'T NEED
TO FEEL GOOD.
81
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,609
NO, NO,
WE DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE
82
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,678
TO PEOPLE
THAT WE DON'T LIKE.
83
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,746
WE'RE NOT AFRAID
TO HURT PEOPLE
84
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,316
OR NOT REPORT
ALL OUR INCOME.
85
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,318
AND I AM NOT ASHAMED
TO SAY
86
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:38,952
THAT THIS WHOLE TIME
I'VE BEEN TALKING,
87
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:41,289
I'VE BEEN STARING
AT YOUR BOOBS.
88
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,557
OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
89
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,959
IF YOU COME WITH ME
TO THE CHILDREN'S CENTER,
90
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:48,529
YOU CAN STARE AT THEM
ALL DAY.
91
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,565
(sighs)
92
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,970
HOW COLD WILL IT BE THERE?
93
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:06,347
FINE.
94
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,916
FOR THE CHILDREN.
95
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,290
AND THIS SHOULD COVER
THE COST
96
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,692
OF ALL THE STUFF
I STOLE FROM YOU ONLINE.
97
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:22,062
TRUST ME.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
98
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,997
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT WON'T.
99
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:27,067
I WILL ADMIT,
YOU DID TEACH ME A GOOD LESSON
100
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,570
ABOUT THE DANGERS
OF THE INTERNET.
101
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,005
ANDY, THAT'S WHY I DID IT.
102
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,774
NO, SIR.
103
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,009
YOU WON'T CATCH THIS GUY
BANKING ONLINE.
104
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:39,079
I DO IT ALL OVER THE PHONE NOW
WITH A SECRET PASSWORD.
105
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,014
NOT A DIME GOES OUT
106
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,884
UNLESS I SAY,
"AFGHANISTAN-BANANASTAN."
107
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,490
VERY SMART.
108
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:52,059
I KNOW, RIGHT?
109
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,664
(Cheryl) JIM, GET IN HERE!
110
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:57,931
WHAT?
111
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:58,932
I JUST GOT A CALL
112
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,034
FROM MRS. KRETZER
AT THE CHILDREN'S CENTER.
113
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,871
FINE, I'LL RETURN
THE WHEELCHAIR.
114
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:07,007
JIM. (sighs)
115
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:11,812
I-I-I'VE NEVER SEEN
THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE BEFORE.
116
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,981
WHAT IS IT?
117
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,916
PRIDE.
118
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:18,018
PRIDE?
THE CENTER IS VERY IMPRESSED
119
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,488
WITH THE WORK YOU DID
ON THE REC ROOM.
120
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,490
OH, HONEY, COME ON.
I WAS HANGING DRYWALL
121
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,525
WITH A BLIND KID
AND A GUY WITH ONE ARM.
122
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,894
OF COURSE
I'M GONNA LOOK GOOD.
123
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:31,565
THEY'RE HONORING YOU WITH
THEIR STAR VOLUNTEER AWARD.
124
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:32,966
THEY WANT TO
GIVE IT TO DAD? YES.
125
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,535
OUR DAD?
UH-HUH.
126
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:35,903
THIS DAD?
YEAH.
127
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,639
ME DAD?
YES!
128
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:42,510
WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT?
129
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,545
AWARD ACCEPTED.
130
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:47,715
(sighs)
131
00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:54,622
THAT'S NOT
THE END OF IT, IS IT?
132
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,690
JIM, THERE'S
AN AWARDS DINNER.
133
00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:58,626
OH, DINNER.
YEAH.
134
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,961
WITH PEOPLE?
135
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:03,464
AND SPEECHES AND DANCING.
136
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,499
OH, CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
137
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,701
I'D LOVE TO GO,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
138
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,770
THAT NIGHT, I'M READING
TO THE BLIND.
139
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,872
AND THEN THE NEXT NIGHT
140
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:13,941
I'M GONNA BE SMELLING
FOR THE NOSELESS.
141
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,876
JIM.
142
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,845
REALLY. UH, WE'RE DOING, UM,
143
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,847
"CATCHER IN THE RYE"
AND CINNAMON.
144
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,849
YOU'RE GOING.
145
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,053
YES, I AM.
146
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,955
YES, YOU ARE.
147
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,558
JIM CAME WITH A HAMMER,
148
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,826
AND HE LEFT WITH OUR HEARTS.
149
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,662
HE PUT UP DRYWALL,
150
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,930
BUT HE DIDN'T LEAVE
A DRY EYE.
151
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,533
HE SPACKLED WITH A... UH, CAN
YOU WRAP THIS UP, SWEETIE?
152
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,902
"DANCING WITH THE STARS"
IS ON IN TEN MINUTES.
153
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,904
IT TURNS MY WIFE ON,
154
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:47,741
AND I JUST WANT TO BE THERE WHEN
THAT HAPPENS. (laughs) VERY WELL.
155
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,977
JIM, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YEAH.
156
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:53,981
AND PLEASE ACCEPT THE CENTER'S
STAR VOLUNTEER AWARD.
157
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,849
(applause)
158
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:57,618
THANK YOU.
159
00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:00,988
AS WELL AS THIS OVERSIZED CHECK
FOR $1,000.
160
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:04,024
(applause continues)
161
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:12,500
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.
162
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,603
I ONLY WISH THERE WERE MORE
DISABLED CHILDREN IN THE WORLD
163
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,506
SO I COULD HELP THEM ALL.
164
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,650
WELL, LOOK AT THAT...
A THOUSAND BUCKS!
165
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,785
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
166
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:34,788
I'M GONNA HAVE THIS FRAMED
AND HANG IT OVER OUR DRESSER.
167
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,224
CHERYL, TAKE DOWN
THOSE PICTURES OF THE KIDS.
168
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:40,561
I HAVE NEVER BEEN
SO PROUD OF YOU.
169
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,563
OH, AND YOU'RE
GONNA BE PROUDER OF ME
170
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,836
WHEN YOU SEE HOW FAST I BURN
THROUGH THAT THOUSAND BUCKS.
171
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,767
(laughing)
172
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,969
ANDY, I AM OPEN
TO SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE.
173
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,738
OKAY. HEY, HEY, I SAW ONLINE
174
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,840
WHERE SOMEONE'S SELLING
VINCE LOMBARDI'S HAT
175
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:56,577
FROM WHEN THE PACKERS WON
THE FIRST TWO SUPER BOWLS.
176
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,712
OH, THE PACKERS.
I HATE THEM.
177
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,914
WE'LL BUY IT AND BURN
IT. PERFECT. (laughs)
178
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,783
JIM.
WHAT?
179
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,919
YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE MONEY
BACK TO THE CHARITY. WHAT?
180
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,521
WHAT?
181
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:10,524
IT'S THEIR MONEY.
182
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,792
UH, NO, CHERYL.
183
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,897
"JIM."
184
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:21,669
"PAY TO THE ORDER OF JIMMY."
185
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,637
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK.
186
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,706
ALL THE HONOREES DO.
IT'S UNDERSTOOD.
187
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,774
BY WHOM?
188
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,542
EVERYBODY.
189
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,644
EVERYBODY RETURNS THE MONEY.
IT'S A GIVEN.
190
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:31,879
NO, CHERYL.
191
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:35,315
THIS WAS "A GIVEN" TO ME,
192
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:38,719
AND I AIN'T "A GIVEN" IT BACK.
193
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,187
NO.
194
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,655
WHOO! SCOREBOARD.
195
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:42,756
THANK YOU.
196
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:45,258
HOW CAN YOU,
IN GOOD CONSCIENCE,
197
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,327
TAKE $1,000
FROM A CHILDREN'S CENTER?
198
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,197
I'M NOT TAKING IT.
THEY GAVE IT TO ME
199
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,200
FOR THE REWARD OF A LIFETIME
OF DOING GOOD DEEDS.
200
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,636
WHAT GOOD DEEDS?
201
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,638
CHERYL, I TOLD YOU,
202
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:01,108
I WORK WITH THE NOSELESS.
203
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,843
WOW.
204
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,845
AFTER TEN MINUTES
ON THE HIGH ROAD,
205
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,847
YOU TOOK THE FIRST EXIT.
206
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,882
WHY AM I SURPRISED?
207
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,886
OKAY, LET'S GET ONLINE
AND GET YOU THAT HAT.
208
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,655
FORGET IT.
209
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:15,589
WHY?
210
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:18,759
YOU KNOW SHE'S NEVER
GONNA LET ME DO THAT.
211
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,862
GOD, WHY'D YOU MARRY HER?
THERE. I FINALLY SAID IT.
212
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,864
YOU KNOW WHAT
CHERYL'S PROBLEM IS?
213
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,833
SHE'S BEEN ON
THE HIGH ROAD TOO LONG.
214
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,835
YEAH, UP THERE
TOSSING HER HAIR,
215
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,837
WAVING HER HAND
LIKE MISS AMERICA,
216
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:32,305
AND GIVING HER ORGANS
AWAY FOR FREE.
217
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:34,307
I'VE BEEN SICK OF HER
FOR YEARS.
218
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,743
SAY IT, JIM.
219
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,378
YOU HATE HER.
220
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,380
I DON'T HATE HER.
221
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,383
I HATE GIVING
THIS CHECK BACK.
222
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,152
THEN DON'T.
223
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,357
CASH THE CHECK.
224
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:54,394
YOU CAN'T CASH CARDBOARD,
ANDY.
225
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:57,765
BUT WE WILL CASH
THE LITTLE CHECK THEY GAVE ME.
226
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,767
(gasps) NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
227
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,769
YEAH, TAKE THAT,
LITTLE MISS PERFECT.
228
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,804
NO, NO, NO,
WE'LL CASH THE CHECK,
229
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:06,674
AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE CHERYL
ON A LITTLE TRIP.
230
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,108
IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
231
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,077
NO.
232
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,312
NO, SOMEWHERE THAT'S
PARTICULARLY LOVELY
233
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,081
THIS TIME OF YEAR.
234
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,315
EPCOT?
NO.
235
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,417
GRACELAND?
NO.
236
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,286
DOLLYWOOD?
AUSTRALIA? EPCOT?
237
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,655
NO! STOP IT.
238
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:25,058
WE'RE GONNA TAKE HER
FOR A TRIP...
239
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:28,261
ON THE LOW ROAD.
240
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,698
YOU KNOW,
THERE ARE A LOT OF PLACES
241
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:33,133
TO HIDE A BODY AT EPCOT.
242
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,705
THERE SHE IS.
243
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,740
YES, WHAT A SURPRISE.
I'M IN THE KITCHEN.
244
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,308
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?
245
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,744
I REALIZE THAT IF THERE WAS
ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE
246
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:47,280
THAT DESERVED A REWARD
FOR DOING GOOD, IT IS YOU.
247
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,716
OH, HONEY, NOT NOW.
248
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,384
THE KIDS ARE HOME
AND MY BACK IS KILLING ME.
249
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:56,724
NO, CHERYL, ALTHOUGH I LIKE
WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THAT.
250
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,792
NO, I BOUGHT YOU A GIFT.
251
00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:02,062
OH, JIM, NOTHING YOU COULD
BUY ME WOULD MAKE ME...
252
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,264
(gasps)
253
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,266
OH, MY GOD.
254
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:09,803
IS THAT A STEPHAN BATON?
255
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:12,305
WELL, LOOK WHOSE BACK
JUST GOT BETTER.
256
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:17,044
HOW DID YOU KNOW
THAT EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD
257
00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:19,079
IS DYING TO GET THEIR HANDS
ON THIS PURSE?
258
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:23,216
I DIDN'T. I ASKED ANDY
WHICH PURSE HE LIKED.
259
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:27,220
JIM, A STEPHAN BATON
IS NOT A PURSE.
260
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:30,357
(Cheryl and Andy) IT'S A VESSEL
FOR A WOMAN'S SOUL.
261
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:40,834
NO, HONEY, IT IS AN OVERPRICED,
VERY EXPENSIVE STATUS SYMBOL.
262
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,235
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
263
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,404
YOU DESERVE IT, CHERYL,
264
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,340
BECAUSE YOU... YOU'RE GOOD.
265
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,410
YOU'RE REALLY GOOD, HONEY.
YOU ARE.
266
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,312
OH, NO, NO, I CAN'T.
NO, I...
267
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,247
N... (gasps)
268
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:56,784
OH, IS THAT
A CELL PHONE CASE?
269
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:03,290
ELEGANT AND FUNCTIONAL.
270
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:05,793
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
271
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,761
IT'S WRONG. THAT MONEY
BELONGS TO CHARITY.
272
00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:08,962
YOU'RE RIGHT, CHERYL,
273
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:12,265
SO I'M GONNA JUST TAKE THIS
BACK TO THE STORE RIGHT NOW.
274
00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:16,236
WELL... I COULD RETURN
THE BAG TOMORROW,
275
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:19,239
'CAUSE... I'VE GOT
A P.T.A. MEETING TONIGHT.
276
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:22,342
I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH SHOWING IT OFF A LITTLE.
277
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,311
OH, YEAH, WHY NOT?
278
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,047
IT'S ONLY ONE NIGHT.
ONE MAGICAL NIGHT.
279
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,483
ONE MAGICAL NIGHT WITH
HAND-STITCHED ITALIAN GLORY.
280
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,787
COME ON, STEPHAN BATON.
281
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:36,990
WE'RE GONNA BUILD
OUR OUTFIT AROUND YOU.
282
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:40,093
(baby voice)
YES, WE ARE. YES, WE ARE.
283
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:44,031
AH, ANDY,
HERE ON THE LOW ROAD TOURS,
284
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:46,800
WE PRIDE OURSELVES ON
ON-TIME DEPARTURES.
285
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,201
(laughs)
286
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,569
YOU WERE RIGHT, JIM.
287
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,172
THIS WAS WAY BETTER
THAN KILLING HER.
288
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,046
OH, I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE CHERYL'S FACE
289
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,448
WHEN SHE HAS
TO RETURN THAT BAG.
290
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,451
BECAUSE... (imitating Cheryl)
"IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO."
291
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,553
(laughs)
I'LL CALL MALL SECURITY
292
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:09,289
AND SEE IF WE CAN BUY
THE SURVEILLANCE TAPE.
293
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,433
(normal voice)
OOH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
294
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:14,427
AND IF SHE'S CRYING ON IT,
WE'LL PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.
295
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,464
THEN WE'LL MAKE HER WATCH IT,
AND SHE'LL CRY AGAIN!
296
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,499
(laughs)
297
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,903
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A LOT
298
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:25,873
OF UNRESOLVED ANGER ISSUES
FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD.
299
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,408
YOU GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THAT, DAD?
300
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,577
I MEAN, JIM.
301
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,917
(whispers)
JIM, THE BAG.
302
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,286
WHAT THE HELL?
303
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,621
HEY, HONEY.
COULDN'T DO IT.
304
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:45,258
OH, COULDN'T DO IT, HUH?
305
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:48,295
WELL, I GUESS YOU CAN TURN
A HIGH ROAD PERSON
306
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,530
INTO A LOW ROAD PERSON.
307
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:55,936
GO AHEAD, CHERYL, SAY IT.
SAY WHAT?
308
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,471
SAY "I'M A LOW ROAD PERSON."
OH, JIM.
309
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,573
CHERYL, SAY IT!
310
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:04,244
"I'M A LOW ROAD PERSON.
I'M A LOW ROAD GAL."
311
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:06,479
LET ME MAKE HER SAY IT.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
312
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,181
SETTLE DOWN.
313
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:11,184
OKAY, FINE, FINE.
I LIKE IT DOWN HERE.
314
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:13,353
I FEEL A LITTLE DIRTY,
315
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:17,190
BUT I GOT HAND SANITIZER
IN MY NEW BAG.
316
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,459
WELL, CHERYL, I'M GONNA MAKE
THIS EASY FOR YOU,
317
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,461
'CAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
318
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,630
I'M GONNA TAKE THE BAG BACK,
RETURN IT,
319
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:26,900
AND TAKE THE MONEY AND GIVE IT
TO CHARITY. YEAH, HERE'S THE THING.
320
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:30,237
I'M KEEPING THE BAG.
WHAT?
321
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,471
I'M KEEPING IT.
322
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,473
I'VE DONE CHARITY WORK
MY WHOLE LIFE,
323
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,977
AND I DON'T HAVE A THING TO SHOW
FOR IT. CHERYL, THAT IS NOT FAIR.
324
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,279
WELL, JIM, DOWN HERE
ON THE LOW ROAD,
325
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,513
WE DON'T PLAY FAIR.
326
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,149
CHERYL, HOW...
327
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:44,651
I HAVE SPENT 19 YEARS IN THIS
MARRIAGE WITH YOU ON MY ARM.
328
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,987
IT'S TIME FOR AN UPGRADE.
329
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:49,957
OOH! SCOREBOARD, CHERYL!
330
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:56,296
WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?
331
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,198
THE SIDE OF BREEZY BANTER.
332
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,200
ANDY, WE GOTTA GET
THAT PURSE BACK.
333
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,601
FORGET ABOUT IT.
334
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,637
SHE'S GONNA TAKE THAT THING
EVERYWHERE SHE GOES.
335
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:07,941
YES, YES, BUT I GOT NEWS
FOR BLONDIE.
336
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:11,211
THERE'S A ROAD EVEN LOWER
THAN THE LOW ROAD...
337
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:15,315
THE JIM ROAD.
338
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,550
NOT YOUR BEST EFFORT.
339
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,686
HIGHWAY JIM 95?
340
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,255
ATTABOY!
YEAH!
341
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,241
JIM!
342
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,642
I KNOW IT'S YOU!
343
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,245
I BOUGHT YOU THAT SHIRT!
344
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,097
LOOK, I JUST WANT
TO RETURN THE PURSE.
345
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,366
AND I'VE TOLD YOU
WE CAN'T ACCEPT RETURNS
346
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,368
ON A BAG THAT'S BEEN USED.
347
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,602
IT HASN'T BEEN USED.
348
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,772
YOU SEE, I-I GAVE IT
TO MY WIFE AND...
349
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,475
POOR THING PASSED AWAY.
350
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,446
THANK GOD
SHE WAS AN ORGAN DONOR.
351
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,549
I MEAN, THAT WAY, YOU KNOW,
I'M COVERED FINANCIALLY.
352
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:26,019
SO AS SHE DIED,
353
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,420
SHE OPENED THE BAG
354
00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:30,290
AND PUT IN
LIP BALM, ALMONDS,
355
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,359
PICTURES OF KIDS?
356
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:35,362
OH, NO, NO,
THAT CAME WITH THE BAG.
357
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,331
YOU'RE IN THE PICTURES.
358
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,100
I'M A MODEL.
359
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,768
RIGHT.
(telephone ringing)
360
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:44,671
NO, I'VE BEEN MODELING
FOR YEARS. ONE MINUTE, SIR.
361
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:45,905
(wheezing)
362
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:48,741
ANDY, ANDY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE LOOKING OUT FOR CHERYL.
363
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,343
(panting) SURE, SURE.
364
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:54,381
UM, JUST A HEADS UP, THOUGH,
MY CHEST IS KINDA TIGHT.
365
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:55,615
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
366
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,617
WE STOPPED RUNNING
TWO HOURS AGO,
367
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,287
THE CAR WAS PARKED
AROUND THE CORNER,
368
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,324
AND YOU TOOK A SHOWER. YEAH,
BUT THE MALL ESCALATOR WAS OUT.
369
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,568
ANDY, YOU GOTTA
KEEP AN EYE ON...
370
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:08,628
THERE HE IS. THERE HE IS. THERE
IS THE MAN WHO STOLE MY BAG.
371
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:11,064
SHE'S COMING.
372
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,700
LET ME...
STEP AWAY FROM THE BAG, SIR.
373
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,269
NO, NO, OFFICER,
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,
374
00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:21,641
THAT BAG IS MINE.
I HAVE THE RECEIPT.
375
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,711
THE RECEIPT WAS IN THE BAG
WHEN HE STOLE IT. IT'S MINE.
376
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,714
UH, OFFICER, UM,
DO YOU KNOW C.P.R.?
377
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:31,518
ANDY, NOT NOW.
THIS IS A CRISIS.
378
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:34,321
LISTEN, OFFICER.
LET ME EXPLAIN, ALL RIGHT?
379
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,323
YOU SEE, I WON AN AWARD,
380
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,391
AND I WANTED TO BURN
VINCE LOMBARDI'S HAT.
381
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,493
BUT INSTEAD,
I BOUGHT HER A PURSE
382
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,362
AND GAVE IT TO HER
SO SHE COULDN'T KEEP IT.
383
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,765
I'M TRYING TO TEACH MY WIFE
A LESSON.
384
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,468
YOUR WIFE?
YES, I'M MARRIED TO HER.
385
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,370
HIM? ME? COME ON.
386
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:55,575
CHERYL!
ANDY, DO SOMETHING!
387
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,245
(wheezing)
388
00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,479
ANDY, COME ON!
389
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:02,249
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME. I WAS JUST
TAKING HER ON THE LOW ROAD.
390
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,618
HA! IN YOUR FACE!
391
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:08,388
I'M ABOUT TO GO ON BREAK. DO YOU
STILL WANT TO RETURN THIS?
392
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,323
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
393
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:13,293
IF THIS BAG LOOKED THIS GOOD ON
YOU, WOULD YOU RETURN IT? MNH-MNH.
394
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,229
OH!
395
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:19,766
HEY, YOU DON'T
LOOK SO GOOD.
396
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,434
WHEW.
397
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:25,372
LUCKILY, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US.
398
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,307
(whispers) SCOREBOARD.
399
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:35,515
(sighs)
400
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,519
(groans)
401
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:46,359
HI, HONEY. I'M HOME...
402
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:49,229
FROM JAIL.
403
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:52,399
HERE. I BROUGHT YOU
SOME DELOUSING SOAP.
404
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,301
BE CAREFUL. IT BURNS.
405
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:57,270
HOW'D YOU MAKE BAIL?
406
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,505
TWO WORDS, CHERYL.
407
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:01,541
AFGHANISTAN-BANANASTAN.
408
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,512
OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
409
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,748
I GUESS I JUST NEEDED SOME TIME
TO FIGURE OUT
410
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,750
WHAT MY PRIORITIES ARE.
PRIORITIES?
411
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,752
IT'S A PURSE!
412
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,521
I'M YOUR HUSBAND!
413
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:17,357
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY
IT TOOK SO LONG.
414
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,359
CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
415
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:22,362
I TAKE YOU FOR A LITTLE
TEST DRIVE ON THE LOW ROAD,
416
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:25,632
YOU STEAL A CAR,
KNOCK OVER A LIQUOR STORE
417
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,234
AND RUN ME OVER.
418
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,769
I WAS SURPRISED, TOO.
I'M REALLY GOOD AT BEING BAD.
419
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:32,705
OH. YEAH, WELL, THAT IS
NOT GOOD FOR OUR MARRIAGE.
420
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:36,609
FROM NOW ON, ONE OF US HAS TO BE
ON THE HIGH ROAD AT ALL TIMES.
421
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,211
ONE OF US?
422
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,747
YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU.
423
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:43,350
(chuckles)
(doorbell rings)
424
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:45,718
WHO'S THAT?
OH, THE ONE PHONE CALL I HAD,
425
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,687
I CALLED THAT LADY
FROM THE CHILDREN'S SHELTER.
426
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,422
HI.
427
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,658
HI, JIM. YOU SOUNDED UPSET
ON THE PHONE.
428
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,427
YEAH, WELL, I'D GOTTEN
SOME SOAP IN MY EYES.
429
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,662
BUT I'M LICE-FREE.
430
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,464
OH, GREAT.
431
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,532
UH, COME ON IN.
432
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:01,668
UH, WE CALLED
BECAUSE CHERYL AND I
433
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,437
WANTED TO MAKE A DONATION
TO THE CHARITY.
434
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:05,605
OH.
435
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,707
CHERYL?
436
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:10,710
(sighs)
437
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,648
HERE.
438
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:17,750
WE THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU COULD AUCTION IT OFF
439
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,352
AT THE NEXT FUND-RAISER.
440
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,321
OOH.
IS THIS A STEPHAN BATON?
441
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:22,689
YEAH.
442
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,691
I NEVER HELD A REAL ONE.
443
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,994
IT'S SO... SUPPLE.
444
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:29,762
HIGH ROAD, HIGH ROAD,
HIGH ROAD.
445
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,700
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
446
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,035
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE
TO GET 1,000 BUCKS FOR THAT
447
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,637
AT THE AUCTION.
448
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,639
YES, OF COURSE. AUCTION IT.
449
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,774
THANK YOU.
450
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:47,280
WELL, I BETTER GO.
THE CHILDREN NEED ME.
451
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:53,520
YOU WON'T BE AT
THE NEXT FUND-RAISER, WILL YOU?
452
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:56,423
THERE IS NO WAY
THAT I'M GONNA BE THERE.
453
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,257
EXCELLENT.
454
00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:04,364
JIM, SHE'S GONNA
KEEP MY BAG.
455
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,366
NO WAY IN HELL.
456
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,935
IF WE CAN'T HAVE IT, SHE CAN'T
HAVE IT. BACK TO THE LOW ROAD?
457
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:16,968
PUT THIS SKI MASK ON.
WE'LL JACK HER IN THE DRIVEWAY.
32028
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