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1
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:07,775
HELLO, FRIEND!
WHO WANTS A HUG?
2
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:12,246
ANDY, HAVE YOU BEEN PAINTING
IN AN UNVENTILATED ROOM AGAIN?
3
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,583
I'M IN LOVE, JAMES.
4
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:18,386
OH!
I GOT THE WORLD ON A STRING.
5
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:21,289
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU WRAP IT
AROUND YOUR NECK?
6
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:23,291
IT'S MY MANDY.
I'M HEAD OVER HEELS.
7
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:27,061
I'VE EVEN WRITTEN HER A POEM.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
8
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:30,264
(hums)
9
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:32,100
I LOVE YOU, MANDY,
10
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:35,569
FROM YOUR MAN ANDY.
11
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:39,807
YOU'RE SWEET AS CANDY
ON OCEAN OR DRY LANDY.
12
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,176
I THINK YOU'RE JUST DANDY.
13
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:46,180
I LOVE WALKING WITH YOU
HAND IN HANDY.
14
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:50,118
DON'T YOU MISS
JESSICA TANDY?
15
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,819
HMM? HMM?
16
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:54,388
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
17
00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:57,057
I THINK IT'S YOU
I CAN'T STANDY.
18
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,530
♪♪♪
19
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:11,605
NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU'VE ONLY
KNOWN MANDY FOR TWO WEEKS.
20
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:14,408
YOU CAN'T GO BUYING HER
DIAMOND EARRINGS LIKE THIS.
21
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,845
IT'S HER BIRTHDAY. I WANT TO KNOCK
HER SOCKS OFF. WELL, THEN BUY HER SOCKS!
22
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:21,449
OKAY, IF NOT
DIAMOND EARRINGS, WHAT, HUH?
23
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:25,786
I DON'T CARE. JUST... I NEED YOUR
HELP. I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY.
24
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,756
GUIDE ME, MASTER.
25
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,791
FINE. FINE.
26
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,493
SIT DOWN.
27
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:35,429
(chuckles) YOU KNOW WHAT? I
SHOULD CHARGE YOU FOR THIS,
28
00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:38,899
BUT I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU
FOR FREE. YOU'RE THE BEST.
29
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,901
NO, WAIT A MINUTE. GIVE
ME A DOLLAR. SERIOUSLY?
30
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:44,172
YEAH, GIVE ME A DOLLAR.
GO TO HELL.
31
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:47,107
WELL, WHO NEEDS A GIRL
WHEN YOU GOT YOUR MOM?
32
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:53,147
FINE. HERE.
HERE'S YOUR STUPID DOLLAR.
33
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,516
SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
34
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:58,386
HERE'S THE THING.
MOST GUYS IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP
35
00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,388
MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING
36
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,890
A GOOD GIFT
IS AN EXPENSIVE GIFT.
37
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,564
THAT'S IT?
THAT'S YOUR ADVICE?
38
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,401
NO, THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE DOING WRONG.
39
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:16,370
IF YOU WANT ADVICE,
THAT'S ANOTHER DOLLAR.
40
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:17,771
GO TO HELL.
41
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:21,209
FINE, CHANGE YOUR OWN DIAPERS
WHEN YOU'RE 80.
42
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,611
(grunts)
43
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,646
FINE!
44
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:28,449
AND DAMN YOU TO HELL.
45
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,684
THANK YOU.
46
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:33,954
OKAY. ANYBODY CAN DO
AN EXPENSIVE GIFT.
47
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:37,658
WHAT YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR
IS A MEANINGFUL GIFT.
48
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,860
YOU MEAN CHEAP?
49
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:44,798
IT CAN BE CHEAP
IF THINGS LINE UP RIGHT.
50
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,368
COME HERE.
HERE'S THE THING.
51
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,671
THE GIFT WOMEN REALLY LOVE
52
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,740
IS THE GIFT THAT SAYS,
53
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:56,510
"I LISTEN TO YOU."
54
00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:59,813
OKAY. OKAY. I-I CAN SEE
THE BEAUTY OF THAT, JIM.
55
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:02,650
BUT HERE'S THE THING...
I DON'T LISTEN TO MANDY.
56
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,953
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU'RE WITH HER ALL THE TIME.
57
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,921
I KNOW, BUT EVERY TIME
I'M WITH HER,
58
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:10,458
THE ONLY THING I HEAR IS
THIS VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD
59
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:13,461
SAYING, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
60
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,964
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME." WELL, ANDY,
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED ADVANCED LESSONS.
61
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,966
WHEW, YEAH.
62
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:24,438
NO, NO, NO, NO!
I AM DESPERATE!
63
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:26,340
ALL RIGHT.
64
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:29,510
ON OUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY,
I GAVE CHERYL
65
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:32,480
A TEDDY BEAR COOKIE JAR
THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE THE ONE
66
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,748
SHE HAD WHEN SHE WAS
GROWING UP. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
67
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,884
I DON'T REMEMBER US HAVING
A TEDDY BEAR COOKIE JAR.
68
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:40,721
NEITHER DID CHERYL...
69
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,656
UNTIL I GAVE HER ONE.
70
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,892
THEN SUDDENLY,
SHE REMEMBERED.
71
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,960
SHE CRIED
AND GAVE ME A BACKRUB.
72
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:49,930
OHH.
I COULD USE A BACKRUB
73
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:52,633
OR ONE OF THOSE
HOT STONE MASSAGES.
74
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:56,470
OH! IT'S HOW THE INDIANS
HAVE RELAXED FOR CENTURIES.
75
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:57,738
ANDY, ANDY.
76
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:59,740
WHAT I REALIZED A LITTLE LATER
77
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,909
WAS THAT WASN'T
CHERYL'S STORY AT ALL.
78
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,644
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
79
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,879
THE COOKIE JAR
ON "THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW."
80
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:09,883
SO YOU TOLD CHERYL YOU
MADE A MISTAKE, RIGHT? NO.
81
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,586
SEE, ANDY,
82
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,488
WOMEN ARE SO DESPERATE
83
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,824
TO BELIEVE THAT THEIR MEN
ARE LISTENING TO THEM
84
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:20,794
THAT THEY'LL BUY
INTO ANYTHING.
85
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:25,933
SO JUST BUY MANDY A GIFT,
MAKE UP A STORY.
86
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,569
AH, THAT SOUNDS
A LITTLE DISHONEST.
87
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:32,540
ANDY,
IT IS TOTALLY DISHONEST.
88
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:33,774
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
89
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:37,445
WE'RE SELLING FEELINGS,
NOT THE TRUTH.
90
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,847
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT FOLLOWING, JIM.
91
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,916
WELL, I-IT'S KIND OF LIKE
WHEN MANDY SAYS
92
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,918
YOU LOOK GREAT
WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON.
93
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,787
OH! MM-HMM.
RIGHT?
94
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,857
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT THE TRUTH,
BUT YOU LOVE HEARING IT.
95
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:52,326
ALL I HEAR IS,
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME,
96
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,795
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME,
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME."
97
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:03,471
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT, MANDY?
98
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:05,506
I-I CANNOT WAIT ANYMORE.
99
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,050
I WANT TO GIVE YOU
YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
100
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,042
OH! (laughs)
101
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:12,112
(laughs)
HEY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
102
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,815
YOU ARE GONNA LOVE IT.
103
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,885
OH, I'M SO EXCITED. MWAH!
MM.
104
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:21,889
MMM! I PUT AN EXTRA LITTLE BIT
OF THE OL' TICKER INTO THIS ONE.
105
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,891
HEE HEE!
106
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:27,428
OH. A CHINESE CHECKERS SET.
107
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,130
HUH.
108
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,932
YEAH.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
109
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,802
I THINK
IT'S A CHINESE CHECKERS SET.
110
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:38,906
OR IS IT A VINTAGE
CHINESE CHECKERS SET
111
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:42,042
EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE
YOU AND YOUR FAVORITE BABYSITTER
112
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,478
USED TO PLAY WITH?
113
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,481
I NEVER PLAYED
CHINESE CHECKERS IN MY LIFE.
114
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,518
I ACTUALLY FIND IT
A BIT RACIST.
115
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,387
UH... UH, NO, NO,
116
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:55,389
OF COURSE YOU DID.
117
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,891
UM, YOU TOLD ME
ON OUR THIRD DATE.
118
00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,893
DRINKS AT THE PALMER HOUSE.
119
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,029
YOU HAD A TOM COLLINS.
I HAD A COSMO.
120
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:04,932
THIS GIFT SAYS, "I LISTEN."
121
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:09,403
WHOO, GOT A... GOT A HELL
OF A KINK RIGHT HERE.
122
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:11,972
WHAT WAS
THE BABYSITTER'S NAME?
123
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,446
ELEANOR.
ELEANOR WHAT?
124
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,312
RIGBY.
125
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:23,183
NO, WAIT. ROOSEVELT.
NO, WAIT. ROBINSON.
126
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,919
N-NOT ELEANOR. JACKIE.
127
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,921
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
128
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:30,157
MY BABYSITTER WAS
JACKIE ROBINSON, AND SHE BROKE
129
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,493
THE CHINESE CHECKERS BARRIER
IN MY HOUSE.
130
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:35,496
SO IT'S COMING BACK TO YOU.
131
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:39,132
ANDY, YOU OBVIOUSLY HEARD
THIS STORY FROM ANOTHER WOMAN,
132
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,835
YOU KNOW,
PROBABLY THAT WHACK JOB EMILY.
133
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:44,104
I KNEW YOU WEREN'T
OVER HER YET.
134
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,106
NO, BABY, BABY,
PLEASE, PLEASE!
135
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,476
YOU AND ME,
WE'RE FO' REALS, HUH?
136
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:52,079
NO, NO. I HAVEN'T BEEN ENGAGED
TO EMILY FOR 17 DAYS.
137
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:55,816
THIS IS THE MOST INSENSITIVE
GIFT I HAVE EVER GOTTEN.
138
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,151
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO!
139
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:01,789
NO! UM, NO, THERE...
THERE'S NO OTHER GIRL.
140
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,958
NO ONE TOLD ME THIS STORY.
141
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:08,829
(pants and grunts)
142
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:12,766
I MADE THE WHOLE THING UP.
143
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,067
YOU DID WHAT?
144
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,036
I WANT... I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
145
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,038
SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY
MEANINGFUL,
146
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,007
BUT I COULDN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING.
147
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,109
SO I MADE UP...
(growly voice) OH, JIM...
148
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,778
(normal voice)
I MADE UP A STUPID STORY
149
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:28,015
THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
150
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,117
YOU MADE
THE WHOLE THING UP?
151
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,152
I CANNOT BELIEVE
YOU WOULD SINK THAT LOW.
152
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,755
I MEAN, IS IT REALLY
THAT HARD TO GIVE ME A GIFT
153
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,690
BASED ON WHO I AM?
154
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:41,729
CAN I... CAN I JUST SAY
ONE MORE THING IN MY DEFENSE?
155
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,096
GO AHEAD.
156
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,833
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
157
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,135
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
158
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,640
I CAN'T STAY FOR DINNER.
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
159
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,976
YOU CAN'T BARGE IN HERE
WITHOUT KNOCKING FIRST.
160
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:59,279
WHAT IF I WAS NUDE? I KNOCKED
THE LAST TIME, AND YOU WERE NUDE.
161
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,248
WELL, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE THE MAILMAN.
162
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,216
WE GOT THIS RUNNING JOKE.
163
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,819
I DON'T THINK
HE GETS IT, THOUGH.
164
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,721
I'M NOT STAYING FOR DINNER
165
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:09,723
BECAUSE I'M VERY UPSET
WITH ANDY.
166
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:12,259
BUT I DID BRING YOU
THREE BEAN SALAD.
167
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:15,963
OH, WOW, LOOK AT THAT.
NICE WORK. OKAY, SEE YA.
168
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:19,567
WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED?
169
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,569
ANDY GAVE ME
THESE CHINESE CHECKERS
170
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,971
FOR MY BIRTHDAY, TOLD ME
I PLAYED IT AS A KID,
171
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,740
BUT IT WAS JUST SOME
STUPID STORY HE MADE UP.
172
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,750
THAT'S WEIRD.
173
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,720
I MEAN, UH,
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
174
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,556
HUH.
I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
175
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,558
SEE YA.
176
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:47,027
NO, NO.
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
177
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,263
YOU DO?
178
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:53,767
YEAH. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
179
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,970
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?
180
00:08:57,004 --> 00:09:00,741
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GET ME
SUCH GREAT ANNIVERSARY GIFTS,
181
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,943
AND ANDY IS TRYING
TO COMPETE WITH YOU.
182
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,945
(sighs)
183
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,315
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW
THAT. OF COURSE. MM.
184
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:11,318
YOU CAN'T GIVE ANDY A HARD TIME
BECAUSE I SET THE BAR SO HIGH.
185
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:13,286
I MEAN, HE'S TRYIN'.
186
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,756
WELL, I GUESS HIS HEART
WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
187
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:16,890
ABSOLUTELY.
188
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,793
DON'T PUNISH HIM BECAUSE
HE'S NOT AS CLASSY AS MOI.
189
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:20,327
OH, COME ON.
190
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,394
SEE YA.
191
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,698
JIM'S REALLY A GOOD
GIFT GIVER? OH, THE BEST.
192
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:28,602
OH, I WOULDN'T EXPECT THAT. OH, YEAH. HE
GETS THESE... THESE SIMPLE, INEXPENSIVE GIFTS
193
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:31,171
THAT ALWAYS HAVE
A THOUGHTFUL STORY BEHIND 'EM.
194
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:34,642
HE REMEMBERS EVERY DETAIL.
REALLY? JIM?
195
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,945
YEAH. HE REMEMBERS STORIES
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER TELLING.
196
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:42,249
OH, HONEY.
197
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:44,384
CRAP!
198
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,955
I KNEW I NEVER WANTED
WOODEN SHOES AS A KID.
199
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,031
KIDNEY, GARBANZO, GREEN.
200
00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:00,934
KIDNEY, GARBANZO, GREEN.
201
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:04,037
KIDNEY, GARBANZO, GREEN.
202
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,874
HEY, THIS MANDY CAN COOK.
203
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,843
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
SPEAKING OF MANDY,
204
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:12,946
OUR CONVERSATION LAST
NIGHT GOT ME THINKIN'. YEAH?
205
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,915
YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS
GET ME SUCH MEANINGFUL,
206
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,950
EMOTIONAL GIFTS FOR
OUR ANNIVERSARY. MM-HMM.
207
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,086
AND THIS YEAR I WANTED
TO DO THAT FOR YOU.
208
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,188
WELL, THAT'S GONNA BE
KIND OF HARD, CHERYL.
209
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:24,091
I DON'T REALLY HAVE
ANY MEANINGFUL EMOTIONS.
210
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:28,862
IT WAS TOUGH, BUT I THINK
I FOUND THE PERFECT GIFT,
211
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:32,232
AND IT IS WAITING FOR YOU
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
212
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:36,003
COME ON! YOU INSTALLED
A TOILET NEXT TO THE COUCH?
213
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:41,809
OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT
ANNIVERSARY. I KNOW, IT IS, IT IS!
214
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:45,145
COME ON. WHAT DID YOU GET
ME? WHAT DID YOU GET ME? (laughs)
215
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,220
WHERE THE HELL'S
MY BIG-SCREEN TV?
216
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:57,958
I REPLACED IT WITH THIS
SUPER SPECTRUM ASTROTRON...
217
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,928
IN LIVING COLOR.
218
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,831
♪ TA-DA
219
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,833
REMEMBER?
IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE
220
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,001
YOU USED TO WATCH
WITH YOUR UNCLE.
221
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:13,373
WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
YOU USED TO STAY UP LATE
222
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,843
AND WATCH
THE BLACKHAWKS GAMES.
223
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:20,781
I DON'T REMEMBER WATCHING
ANY HOCKEY WITH ANY UNCLE.
224
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,916
OH, SURE YOU DO.
225
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:25,886
YOU TOLD ME ABOUT IT
ON OUR THIRD DATE.
226
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,889
I MEAN, I WOULDN'T MAKE
SOMETHING LIKE THAT UP.
227
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,124
YOU'D HAVE TO BE
A PRETTY HORRIBLE PERSON
228
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:33,126
TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
229
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:44,938
SO, JIM, IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME?
230
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,013
YES.
231
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,849
YES, CHERYL.
232
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,851
I LOVE THIS TV!
233
00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,120
OH, WOW, LOOK AT THAT!
234
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,522
WHAT A GREAT GIFT, HONEY.
235
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:06,493
HEY,
WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?
236
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,462
ALL THREE CHANNELS!
237
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,164
OH, THIS IS SO GREAT,
238
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:13,500
I FEEL LIKE MY...
MY UNCLE IS HERE WITH ME.
239
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,836
MY UNCLE, UH,
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
240
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,971
BITE ME.
241
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:20,540
YEAH.
242
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,410
YEAH, UNCLE BITE ME,
243
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:26,046
WHO WAS MARRIED
TO MY AUNT CRAM IT.
244
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,981
WOULD YOU STOP IT?
245
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:30,150
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT,
YOU GOT ME, ALL RIGHT?
246
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:33,353
MAYBE I FUDGED A FEW DETAILS
ON A COUPLE OF ANNIVERSARIES.
247
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,488
NO, JIM, EIGHT ANNIVERSARIES.
EIGHT!
248
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:39,192
EIGHT? IT WAS NO EIGHT! WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT... EIGHT?
249
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:43,931
YEAH, EIGHT.
250
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:47,134
YEAH, BUT 8 OUT OF 15...
19.
251
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,402
19, RIGHT.
252
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,339
YOU TOLD ME THAT MY MOM AND I
USED TO DRINK COCOA
253
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,308
OUT OF A MUG LIKE THIS
AFTER WE'D GO ICE SKATING.
254
00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:59,412
OH, CHERYL, THAT IS
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
255
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,414
I'M GETTING ALL CHOKED UP.
256
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,450
YOU LIED!
OH, CHERYL...
257
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,585
AND THIS STUPID THING...
258
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,888
SHEEP ON WHEELS?!
259
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,090
STUPID?!
260
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:13,526
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
TO FIND A SHEEP ON WHEELS?
261
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,565
I MEAN, YOU CAN
FIND A PIG ON WHEELS,
262
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:21,969
BUT TRY COMING UP
WITH A STORY ON THAT.
263
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:25,538
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
264
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,540
THE WOOD PLANE.
265
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,409
A WOOD PLANE, JIM?
266
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:32,079
CHERYL, CHERYL, IF WE
DIDN'T HAVE THAT WOOD PLANE,
267
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:35,582
THESE WOODEN SHOES
WOULDN'T HAVE FIT RIGHT.
268
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,584
YOU SUCK.
269
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:40,954
OKAY, CHERYL,
TO BE FAIR HERE, OKAY,
270
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:43,523
IF YOU WOULD HAVE CAUGHT ME
WITH THAT COOKIE JAR,
271
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:46,059
THE OTHER SEVEN LIES
WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
272
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:49,062
KIND OF RESTS
ON YOUR SHOULDERS, TOO, BABE.
273
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:51,531
THIS IS MY FAULT?
274
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,967
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU EVEN ADMITTED TO IT.
275
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:56,603
WHEN? WELL, WE HAD BEEN
DATING FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS.
276
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:59,506
WE'RE HAVING DRINKS
AT THE PALMER HOUSE,
277
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:03,977
AND YOU SAID IF YOU EVER HAVE TO
LIE... OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE DOING IT NOW!
278
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,646
YOU CAUGHT ME.
279
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:10,350
SEE? WE'RE PROGRESSING.
280
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:13,320
WE HAVE
A GROWING RELATIONSHIP.
281
00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:19,492
FINE. I'M GONNA GO GROW
IN THE KITCHEN.
282
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,061
WAIT, CHERYL, STOP.
283
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:22,495
(sighs)
284
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,632
BEFORE YOU GO, CAN
YOU FLIP IT OVER TO 7? OH!
285
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,507
(exhales deeply)
286
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,612
(Andy) AH.
287
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,348
SO TELL ME AGAIN
288
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,384
HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
THOSE DIAMOND EARRINGS.
289
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,419
OOH, I LOVE
MY NEW DIAMOND EARRINGS.
290
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,422
HA HA HA!
I KNEW YOU WOULD, BABY.
291
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,559
DIAMONDS DON'T NEED A STORY.
(chuckles)
292
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:55,662
OKAY, YOU CAN GO GET THOSE
HOT STONES OUT OF THE OVEN NOW.
293
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:58,498
OKAY. ARE YOU SURE THIS IS
HOW THEY DO THIS?
294
00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:00,233
OH, YEAH.
295
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:03,070
IT'S AN OLD INDIAN RITUAL
DATING BACK A THOUSAND YEARS.
296
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:06,406
OF COURSE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE
THE CONVECTION OVEN.
297
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,575
I KNOW, BUT AN HOUR AT 450?
298
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,979
JUST DO IT.
I GAVE YOU EARRINGS!
299
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,049
(sizzling)
300
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,351
AAH!
301
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,387
GET... TAKE 'EM OFF!
TAKE 'EM OFF!
302
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,556
OH! OOH! AAH! AAH!
303
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,593
(screaming)
304
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,000
ARE YOU OKAY?
305
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:37,604
(screaming and crying)
306
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:41,608
(panting) I, UH,
I-I-I THINK I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
307
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:45,012
WELL, I HOPE SO, BECAUSE LATER
I WANTED TO THANK YOU PROPERLY
308
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,413
FOR MY NEW EARRINGS.
309
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:50,350
(normal voice) I'M FINE.
UH, I'LL BE GREAT.
310
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,352
(grunts)
311
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,287
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU COOKIN'
IN HERE... BURGERS?
312
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:58,458
HONEY, LET ME GO GET YOU SOME
OINTMENT, OKAY? MWAH. OH. MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
313
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:02,595
(growls)
314
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,698
♪ I'M TAPPIN' THAT
315
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,468
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
IN THE DOGHOUSE.
316
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,738
OH, I BOUGHT HER DIAMONDS,
JIM. I CAN DO NO WRONG. DIAMONDS.
317
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,407
I CAN LISTEN, NOT LISTEN,
CALL HER BY THE WRONG NAME.
318
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:17,610
ALL SHE HEARS IS,
"LOOK AT ME SPARKLE."
319
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,579
ANDY, I REALLY NEED YOU...
320
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:22,649
CAN YOU PUT THOSE COWS
BACK IN THE BARN?
321
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,221
LOOK, YOU REALLY
SCREWED ME UP WITH CHERYL.
322
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,258
HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?
BECAUSE YOUR LIES SUCKED,
323
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:34,327
AND THAT SCREWED UP MY
BRILLIANT LIES. YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?
324
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,329
WHAT?
HMM?
325
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,198
ANDY, PLEASE, PUT IT AWAY!
326
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,433
WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOUR WIFE
SOMETHING NICE
327
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,702
INSTEAD OF TAKING THE
EASY WAY OUT? EASY?
328
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,538
YOU THINK IT'S EASY
COMING UP WITH CONVINCING LIES
329
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:48,641
AND STICKING TO 'EM
FOR ALL THESE YEARS?
330
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:53,313
NOTHING IN HERE IS EASY!
331
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,183
JIM, I'M ALL BLISSED OUT
FROM MY MASSAGE.
332
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,218
YOU'RE KIND OF
HARSHING MY RUB.
333
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:01,688
FINE. I'LL FIGURE OUT
SOMETHING FOR MYSELF.
334
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,257
MM. BE COOL, BRO.
335
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,261
(screaming)
336
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,433
HEY, BRO,
THANKS FOR THE HELP.
337
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:21,208
THIS TV SUCKS.
338
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,177
I HATE TEACHING JIM LESSONS.
339
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:27,747
HELLO, MY DEAR WIFE.
340
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,582
(sighs)
341
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,318
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
342
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,420
WHAT'S THIS?
IRREGULAR SOCKS?
343
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,756
DID MY FEET GROW TO
DIFFERENT SIZES WHEN I WAS 8?
344
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,591
NO.
345
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:41,594
THIS IS A REAL GIFT
FROM A REAL STORE,
346
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:45,665
NOT FROM SOME GUY ON THE CORNER
SELLING RUGS OR DAY-OLD MEAT...
347
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:48,601
WHICH, BY THE WAY,
I GOT DINNER COVERED.
348
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,637
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
349
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,605
(gasps)
350
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,275
JIM!
351
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,710
OH, MY GOD.
DIAMOND EARRINGS?
352
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,546
MM-HMM.
353
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,149
AND THE ONLY STORY
THAT GOES WITH THAT
354
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,684
IS THAT THEY WERE
VERY EXPENSIVE.
355
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,520
OH, JIM, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
356
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,489
I LOVE THEM. THANK YOU.
357
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:13,293
MM-HMM. YOU LIKE 'EM, HUH?
OH, YES.
358
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,229
YOU SURE? YOU SURE
YOU WANT TO KEEP 'EM?
359
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:21,434
ARE THEY FROM
A DEAD PERSON?
360
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:25,505
NO, CHERYL. YOU KNOW I'VE
BEEN BANNED FROM THE MORGUE.
361
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,144
THEN I WANNA KEEP 'EM.
362
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:33,746
HOLD ON TO THAT THOUGHT.
(gasps)
363
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:37,184
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO KEEP THESE DIAMONDS...
364
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:41,488
THAT YOU HAVE NO EMOTIONAL
CONNECTION TO WHATSOEVER?
365
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,656
OR WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE
366
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:46,526
THIS MUG IN MY HAND?
367
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,297
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
368
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,265
I'M GIVING YOU A CHOICE...
369
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,734
EXPENSIVE,
MEANINGLESS EARRINGS,
370
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:58,438
INEXPENSIVE,
MEANINGFUL MUG.
371
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,440
WHAT'S SO MEANINGFUL
ABOUT THAT?
372
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,910
YOU GOT IT FREE WHEN
WE OPENED A CHECKING ACCOUNT.
373
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,513
YES, BUT THEN YOU STARTED
374
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:09,716
USING THIS MUG EVERY MORNING
TO DRINK YOUR TEA.
375
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,718
AND I REMEMBER
YOU TELLING ME
376
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,720
THAT YOU WERE PREGNANT
WITH KYLE
377
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:16,689
WHILE DRINKING
OUT OF THIS MUG.
378
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:21,694
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE NOT MAKING THAT UP.
379
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:26,966
NO, BECAUSE I REMEMBER HOPING
THAT YOU WERE MAKING THAT UP.
380
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,636
SO? WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
381
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,372
EARRINGS, MUG? EARRINGS, MUG?
EARRINGS, MUG?
382
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:34,407
UM...
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
383
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:38,545
BEFORE YOU DECIDE,
IF YOU TAKE THIS MUG,
384
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:41,414
I WILL THROW IN FOR FREE...
385
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:44,917
SHEEP ON WHEELS.
386
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,886
DON'T YOU REMEMBER,
387
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:51,524
KYLE PICKED THIS UP AND
UTTERED HIS FIRST WORDS? "DOGGY."
388
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,660
OKAY, OKAY. I-I GET IT.
389
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,629
WE BUILT A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES
ON YOUR FOUNDATION OF LIES.
390
00:19:56,663 --> 00:20:00,500
NO, CHERYL. WE BUILT
A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES ON MY...
391
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,602
OH, YOU DO GET IT.
392
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:08,908
CHERYL, I KNOW I MAY BE
DIFFERENT THAN OTHER MEN,
393
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:12,845
BUT I CERTAINLY
AM NOT BORING.
394
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,516
(chuckles) NO, HONEY,
YOU'RE NOT BORING.
395
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:21,288
IN FACT, YOU SPARKLE, WHICH IS
WHAT MAKES THESE SO MEANINGFUL.
396
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:24,957
IT'S LIKE THEY'RE
A REFLECTION OF YOU.
397
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,998
CHERYL, ALL I DID WAS GO TO
A MALL AND BUY 'EM. UH-HUH.
398
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:35,268
BUT... BUT I PUT A LOT
OF THOUGHT AND EFFORT
399
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:38,638
INTO FINDING THESE GIFTS.
UH-HUH.
400
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:41,574
BUT I THOUGHT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING ABOUT A GIFT
401
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,643
IS THE TIME AND THOUGHT
YOU PUT INTO IT.
402
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,645
NO, ACTUALLY,
THAT'S NOT AS IMPORTANT
403
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:48,448
AS HOW SHINY THEY ARE.
404
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:53,820
IN FACT, THE LESS YOU THINK,
THE SEXIER YOU GET TO ME.
405
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,388
REALLY?
406
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,924
OH, YEAH. IF YOU
STOP THINKING ALTOGETHER,
407
00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,859
YOU JUST MIGHT GET LUCKY.
408
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:02,529
REALLY?
409
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,331
MM-HMM.
410
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:07,534
OH, HONEY, I LOVE THESE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
411
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:10,269
NOTHING.
412
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:19,646
HEY, UH, JIM,
MANDY CAN'T FIND HER EARRINGS.
30224
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