All language subtitles for According to Jim - 08x07 - The Ego Boost.Unspecified.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:04,505 HELLO. 2 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,774 HELLO. WELCOME TO THE SMOKE 'N' SLAB. 3 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,785 HOW MAY I HELP YOU? OH, UH, A TABLE FOR TWO, PLEASE. 4 00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,345 UH, ACTUALLY, A TABLE FOR THREE. 5 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:13,447 OH, GREAT. LET ME JUST CLEAR A TABLE. EXCUSE ME. 6 00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,049 A TABLE FOR THREE? 7 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:17,218 WHAT, ARE WE, UH, EXPECTING SOMEBODY? 8 00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:19,220 OH, WELL, NO, BUT, YOU KNOW, 9 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:21,189 IT'S A NEW RESTAURANT, NEW CROWD. 10 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,757 A TABLE FOR TWO SOUNDS A LITTLE ROMANTIC. 11 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,559 IF YOU'RE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THAT, ANDY, 12 00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,561 WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SIT NEXT TO ME 13 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,064 INSTEAD OF ACROSS FROM ME? 14 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,566 WELL, THAT'S JUST COZY. 15 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,568 OKAY, ROMANTIC'S NOT GOOD, 16 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,237 BUT COZY'S OKAY? 17 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,272 MEN CAN BE COZY, JIM, 18 00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:40,574 LIKE WE'RE IN A SLEEPING BAG. 19 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,276 A SLEEPING BAG? 20 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:44,288 NO, NO, NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN THE GIRL COMES BACK, 21 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:46,547 LET'S JUST TELL HER THAT MY GIRLFRIEND'S COMING. 22 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,458 SHE'S JUST RUNNING A LITTLE LATE. HOW COME YOU GET THE GIRLFRIEND? 23 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:49,850 BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED. 24 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,452 FINE. HERE. 25 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,454 YOU BE MARRIED, AND I'LL TAKE THE PRETEND GIRL. 26 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:54,822 OH, GREAT, JIM. 27 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,491 NOW EVERYONE JUST SAW YOU GIVE ME A RING. 28 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,727 OKAY, I'M NOT MARRYING HIM, OKAY? 29 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:04,465 MY GIRLFRIEND'S JUST RUNNING LATE. 30 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,100 OH, MY GOD. 31 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:08,102 JIM, IS THAT YOU? 32 00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,504 YES. VICTORIA! 33 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,540 OH, ANDY, ANDY, THIS IS VICTORIA. 34 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,508 WE DATED LIKE, WHAT, 25 YEARS AGO? 35 00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,211 UH, 23, REMEMBER? IT WAS 1985. 36 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,213 THE BEARS JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL. 37 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,449 WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME, YOU SAID, 38 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:25,253 "WORLD CHAMPIONS CAN'T BE TIED DOWN." 39 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,861 YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE ME. 40 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,496 YOU... YOU LOOK GREAT. 41 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,431 THANK YOU. SO DO YOU. 42 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,200 OH. AGREED. 43 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:42,470 ABOUT YOU, NOT HIM. 44 00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,305 DAMN IT! 45 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,707 SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU WORK HERE? 46 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,410 ACTUALLY, I OWN THE PLACE. THIS WAY. 47 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,379 OH. YOU OWN THIS PLACE? MM-HMM. 48 00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:53,381 OH, VICTORIA, THAT IS GREAT. 49 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:56,150 OH, UH, THIS IS ANDY, MY PARTNER. 50 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,186 BUSINESS PARTNER. 51 00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:02,456 YEAH, UH, UH, WE'RE COZY, NOT MARRIED. 52 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:03,857 YOU KNOW WHAT? 53 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,460 I'M JUST GONNA WAIT OUTSIDE FOR MY GIRL, ALL RIGHT? 54 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,896 AND... AND HER LIMO, YEAH, WHERE WE MAKE OUT. 55 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:11,965 YOU KNOW WHAT? 56 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:14,702 WHEN I MARRIED HIS SISTER, HE WAS PART OF THE DEAL. OH. 57 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,738 SIT DOWN. GOD. TELL ME WHAT'S UP. 58 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:20,341 WELL, I SPENT A LITTLE TIME IN MEMPHIS. UH-HUH. 59 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:23,344 I GOT MARRIED. HE CHEATED. 60 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,380 SO I DUMPED HIM AND STOLE HIS BARBECUE RECIPE. 61 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:29,683 GEE, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD FEEL SAD ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE 62 00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,685 OR HAPPY THAT YOU GOT THE RECIPE. 63 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,422 WELL... IT'S A REALLY GOOD RECIPE. 64 00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:35,856 (laughs) 65 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:39,193 AND THE MARRIAGE WAS NEVER GONNA WORK. UH-HUH. 66 00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,262 HE WAS NEVER AS GOOD AS YOU. 67 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:47,368 UH... 68 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,504 (laughing) 69 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,907 I'M JUST KIDDING AROUND. 70 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:56,377 OH, OH, OH! (laughs) 71 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,445 KIND OF. 72 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:02,783 ♪♪♪ 73 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:13,961 MOM, I'M MISSING A BIG PARTY THIS WEEKEND. 74 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,963 OH, HONEY, THERE'LL BE MORE. 75 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,766 WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO TO CALIFORNIA TO SEE AUNT DANA? 76 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,768 BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO SEE EVERYBODY. 77 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,670 THEN HOW COME DAD'S NOT GOING? 78 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:25,573 WELL, HONEY, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE EVERYBODY. 79 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:29,009 NOW RUN TO THE CAR WITH GRACIE AND THE BABIES. GO ON. 80 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,645 HELLO. HEY. HOW WAS THE BARBECUE PLACE? 81 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,382 HERE IT COMES... THE THIRD DEGREE. 82 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,284 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 83 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,951 (sighs) OKAY, IT TURNS OUT 84 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,954 ONE OF MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS OWNS THE PLACE, ALL RIGHT? OH. 85 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,957 I SAID IT. I ADMITTED IT. NOW CAN WE PLEASE JUST MOVE ON? 86 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:46,527 OKAY. WHAT'D YOU GET? 87 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,629 I GOT NOTHING! I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH HER. 88 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,264 OH, JIM. 89 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,032 OKAY, OKAY, I GOT A GOOD-BYE HUG. 90 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,467 WHAT AM I, A MONK? 91 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,703 I MEANT WHAT DID YOU GET TO EAT? WELL... 92 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,705 WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO DEFENSIVE? 93 00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,541 I DON'T CARE THAT YOU RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND. 94 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,510 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 95 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,712 BUT JUST SO WE GET THIS OUT IN THE OPEN, 96 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,581 VICTORIA WAS EXTREMELY FLIRTATIOUS. 97 00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:10,451 AND SHE LOOKED FANTASTIC. 98 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,986 SHE DIDN'T GET FAT LIKE YOUR FRIEND HERBERT. 99 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,988 FINE, JIM. 100 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,358 MY SEVENTH GRADE BOYFRIEND GOT FAT. 101 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,427 YOU WIN. THANK YOU. 102 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,605 ANYWAY, I'M SURE YOU ENJOYED HAVING HER FLIRT WITH YOU. 103 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,498 NO. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? COME ON. IT WAS TORTURE. 104 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:26,500 I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT WHEN WOMEN LOOK AT ME. 105 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:27,768 WOULD YOU STOP IT? 106 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,439 SERIOUSLY. THAT'S WHY I GOT RID OF THOSE SPANDEX BIKE SHORTS. 107 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:34,575 AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED THOSE, CHERYL. 108 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,610 JIM, I GOT RID OF THOSE SHORTS, 109 00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:39,413 AND ONLY BECAUSE THE JUDGE MADE ME. 110 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,450 WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE HERBERT SQUEEZE INTO THOSE SHORTS. 111 00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,585 ALL I'M SAYING IS, IT'S FINE WITH ME 112 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,455 THAT YOU GOT A LITTLE EGO BOOST FROM VICTORIA. 113 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,458 YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? NO. 114 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,026 AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN FLIRTING WITH ME... 115 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,962 YOU'RE FINE WITH THAT? 116 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,397 HONEY, WE ALL NEED 117 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:58,399 A LITTLE EGO VALIDATION EVERY NOW AND THEN. 118 00:04:58,432 --> 00:04:59,933 I KNOW I DO. 119 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,336 HOLD THE PHONE. 120 00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:03,937 YOU? 121 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,939 I'M THE ONLY ONE 122 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,410 THAT SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU. 123 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,648 ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE? 124 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,550 CALIFORNIA. 125 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:19,387 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALIFORNIA FOR? 126 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,554 TO VISIT DANA. 127 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,590 OH. GO. BYE. TAKE CARE. 128 00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:25,526 BE SURE TO TELL HER I DIDN'T SAY HI. OKAY. 129 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,432 I LIKE IT WHEN CHERYL GOES OUT OF TOWN. 130 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:33,367 YEAH, IT HAS ITS ADVANTAGES. 131 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:35,636 SO YOU TOLD CHERYL ALL ABOUT VICTORIA? 132 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,372 OH, SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE. HMM? 133 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:40,073 I WONDER IF VICTORIA SOMEHOW KNEW 134 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,110 CHERYL WAS GOING OUT OF TOWN. 135 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:46,914 YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW CHERYL WAS GOING OUT OF TOWN. 136 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,148 THAT'S MY POINT. 137 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:51,084 VICTORIA IS AN EVIL GENIUS. 138 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,087 (cell phone rings) 139 00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,623 HOLD ON. 140 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,991 HELLO? (gasps) 141 00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,494 (stammering) 142 00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,029 IT'S VICTORIA. 143 00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,464 OH, MY GOD. 144 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,934 OH, MY GOD, IT'S A BOOTY CALL! HANG UP, HANG UP! 145 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:12,039 WHEW! THAT WAS CLOSE. 146 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,041 MY SERVE. 147 00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:15,509 (cell phone rings) 148 00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:17,911 HOLD ON. 149 00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:19,012 HELLO? 150 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,614 (gasps) IT'S HER AGAIN! 151 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:24,017 SHE'S NOT GONNA TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. 152 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,920 JUST SLEEP WITH HER AND GET IT OVER WITH. 153 00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:30,458 ARE YOU CRAZY? (nervously) HELLO? 154 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:33,093 (normal voice) UH, DINNER TONIGHT? 155 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:35,596 (whispering) SAY NO, SAY NO! YOUR TREAT? 156 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,631 SAY YES, SAY YES! 157 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,501 OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU AT 7:00. 158 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,470 (normal voice) OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 159 00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,972 LET'S NOT PANIC. LET'S NOT PANIC, JIM. 160 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,206 UH, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. 161 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,542 HEY, HEY, HEY, I'LL GO WITH YOU. 162 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:51,044 I'LL BE YOUR CHAPERONE. 163 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,046 OH, THANK YOU, ANDY. 164 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,048 YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND. 165 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,919 WHY DID I HAVE TO BE BORN SO DAMN SEXY? 166 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:02,856 I ASK MYSELF THAT SAME QUESTION EVERY DAY. 167 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,994 ABOUT ME, NOT YOU. DAMN! 168 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,532 SO I'M SITTING IN THE BLEACHERS AT WRIGLEY FIELD. 169 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,801 I GOT A BEER IN MY RIGHT HAND AND A BABY IN MY LEFT. 170 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,770 SORIANO HITS THE BALL OUT OF THE PARK. 171 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,238 IT'S COMING RIGHT AT ME. 172 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,641 I GIVE THE GUY TO MY RIGHT THE BEER. 173 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:23,210 I GIVE THE GUY TO MY LEFT THE BABY. 174 00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:25,646 I CATCH THE BALL, STAND UP, TAKE A BOW, 175 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,181 GRAB THE BEER ON THE RIGHT OF ME. 176 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,186 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BABY? 177 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:37,190 I ASKED THE SAME QUESTION... 178 00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,192 FOUR INNINGS LATER. 179 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,794 (laughs) OH, MY GOD. 180 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:44,097 BUT I GOT THE BALL! 181 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:49,002 JIM, I REALLY LIKE THIS SHIRT ON YOU. 182 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,605 (under breath) HERE WE GO. 183 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:54,107 WELL, MY WIFE GOT IT FOR ME, 184 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:57,645 AND I'M NOT TAKING IT OFF NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. 185 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,248 I USED TO LOVE TO SHOP FOR YOU. 186 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,851 REMEMBER THOSE BIKE SHORTS I GOT YOU? 187 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,994 I, UH, I-I-I DON'T REMEMBER THOSE. 188 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,997 SURE YOU DO, JIM. YOU KNOW, THE ONES THE JUDGE SAID... 189 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,999 I DON'T REMEMBER. 190 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,069 LISTEN, OUR OLD STORIES ARE PROBABLY JUST BORING 191 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,104 THE HELL OUT OF MY WIFE'S BROTHER HERE. 192 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:28,008 I MEAN, HE'S KNOWN MY WIFE FOR YEARS AND YEARS. 193 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:31,111 UH, YEAH, IT'S TRUE. CHERYL'S MY BIG SISTER, 194 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,581 BUT WE WEREN'T INTRODUCED TILL I WAS 4. 195 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,549 APPARENTLY MY PARENTS WEREN'T SURE 196 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:38,586 IF THEY WERE GONNA KEEP ME. (laughs) 197 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,555 WHAT A BIG MISTAKE I THINK THEY MADE, RIGHT? 198 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:42,756 (laughs) 199 00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:45,659 YOU GUYS ARE BOTH SO FUNNY. 200 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,260 I THINK YOU'VE EARNED SOME CHEESECAKE. 201 00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:50,230 MMM! OH, IF THERE'S ONE PIECE BIGGER THAN THE OTHER, 202 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,633 I THINK I'VE BEEN A LITTLE FUNNIER. 203 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,067 OH, COME ON. 204 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:59,773 MY GOD, HOW BLATANT IS THAT WOMAN? 205 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:02,743 I KNOW. SHE IS ALL OVER ME. 206 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,047 WHAT?! 207 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,217 OH, YEAH, I'M GETTING A HECK OF A VIBE FROM HER. 208 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,785 COME ON! 209 00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:15,288 IF I GIVE YOU THE HIGH SIGN, TAKE THE HINT AND SKEDADDLE. 210 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,190 ANDY, PLEASE. WHAT? 211 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,627 SHE IS WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE. 212 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,729 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE DATED YOU. 213 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,731 YEAH, THE MAJOR LEAGUE. OH. 214 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:26,700 COME ON. I MARRIED CHERYL. I DATED VICTORIA. 215 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,702 YOU KNOW, THE PRETTIEST DATE 216 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,739 YOU'VE HAD FOR LUNCH IN WEEKS IS ME. 217 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,608 HERE YOU GO, GUYS. 218 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,644 OOH, THAT LOOKS GOOD. THANK YOU. 219 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:37,945 VICTORIA. HMM? 220 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,346 YOU AND ME, 221 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,949 DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT... WHAT DO YOU SAY? 222 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,718 UM, I'M SORRY. MY BROTHER-IN-LAW SEEMS TO THINK... 223 00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:47,655 I'D LOVE TO! OH! 224 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,122 OH! 225 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:52,159 (humming) 226 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:59,066 I WAS HOPING YOU'D ASK ME OUT. 227 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,067 YOU WERE? 228 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,703 IT SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST. WE'LL HAVE DINNER HERE. 229 00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:05,639 OH, YEAH, BUT UNLIKE MY EGOTISTICAL FRIEND HERE, 230 00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,274 I'LL ACTUALLY PAY. 231 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:12,345 LET ME GO GET US SOME CLEAN FORKS. 232 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,015 (chuckles) 233 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:20,754 HEY, JIM, EYES, NOSE, MOUTH AND ME DATING VICTORIA. 234 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,289 WHAT'S THAT? 235 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:25,092 THINGS THAT ARE IN YO' FACE! 236 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:28,195 I'M GONNA PUT THIS IN YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW. 237 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:38,706 (snooty voice) HELLO, JAMES. 238 00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:41,208 (snooty voice) HELLO, ANDREW. 239 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,319 (normal voice) IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I CAME OVER, 240 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,345 IT'S FOR THE PURPOSES OF GLOATING. 241 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,447 (normal voice) WELL, GLOAT AWAY, MY FRIEND. 242 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,383 (chuckles) OH. (clears throat) 243 00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:55,022 VICTORIA ASKED ME TO PICK HER UP AT HER PLACE, 244 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,090 AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 245 00:10:57,124 --> 00:11:00,293 SHE GAVE YOU THE ADDRESS OF THE PUBLIC LIBRARY? 246 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:04,131 YOU WISH. I'VE ALREADY DRIVEN BY HER HOUSE FOUR TIMES. 247 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,134 AND IF SHE'S WEARING THAT DRESS THAT'S LYING ON HER BED, 248 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,403 TONIGHT'S GON' BE HOT! 249 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,073 WELL, ANDY, YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME TONIGHT. 250 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,108 TELL ME HOW IT GOES. 251 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,280 WAIT, WAIT. NO, WAIT. 252 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,249 AH, WHY AREN'T YOU YELLING AT ME 253 00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:24,251 AND SMACKING ME ON THE FOREHEAD? 254 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:28,221 BECAUSE I THINK I'M GONNA LET LIFE DO THAT FOR ME. 255 00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:30,190 SEE, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT. 256 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,192 I FIGURED OUT THERE'S ONLY ONE REASON 257 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,427 VICTORIA IS DATING YOU. 258 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:35,428 HMM? 259 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,731 TO GET TO ME. 260 00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:40,433 YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE, MAN! 261 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:43,203 YOU'RE JUST UPSET 'CAUSE I STOLE YOUR EGO BOOST. (scoffs) 262 00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,437 HEY, NO, NO, NO, NO. 263 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,107 WE WENT HEAD TO HEAD, MY FRIEND, AND I WON. 264 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,076 PLEASE, PLEASE, ANDY. 265 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:52,179 IF I OPEN A DOOR EVEN A CRACK FOR VICTORIA, 266 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,314 SHE WILL JUMP ME RIGHT THERE 267 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:57,317 IN FRONT OF THE TAKEOUT COUNTER. 268 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,386 HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING? 269 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,322 A LITTLE. 270 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:05,258 YEAH, BUT I FIGURED THIS OUT WAY BEFORE THAT. 271 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,494 ALL I NEED TO SAY TO VICTORIA 272 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:10,998 IS FOUR LITTLE WORDS... HMM? 273 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,266 "CHERYL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME." 274 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:22,142 YOU WERE RIGHT. THIS IS COZY. 275 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,112 OH, SEE? IT'S LIKE WE'RE ABOUT TO ORDER DESSERT 276 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,514 IN A SLEEPING BAG. 277 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,385 I WASN'T GONNA ORDER DESSERT. 278 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:35,222 WELL, THEN, WE'RE JUST IN A SLEEPING BAG. 279 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,991 (both laughing) 280 00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,994 ANDY, YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT GUY. OH. 281 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,396 HOW IS IT POSSIBLE YOU'RE STILL NOT MARRIED? WELL... 282 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,499 HEY, GUYS. 283 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,936 I HOPE I DIDN'T INTERRUPT ANYTHING. 284 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,204 IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT. 285 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,173 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? 286 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,175 OH, I JUST CAME BY FOR SOME TAKEOUT. 287 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,410 YOU KNOW, WITH THE WIFE GONE... 288 00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,213 AGAIN. 289 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,417 JIM! HMM? 290 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:07,254 WE WERE JUST NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. 291 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,522 OH, I'M SURE YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS 292 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,992 TO TALK ABOUT. 293 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,962 ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST GO OVER TO THE TAKEOUT COUNTER HERE, 294 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,397 GET MY DINNER... 295 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,066 FOR ONE. 296 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,470 OH, GOSH, I... 297 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,472 (sighs) I FORGOT MY WALLET. 298 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:28,041 SHOCKER. 299 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,043 DON'T WORRY. IT'S ON THE HOUSE. 300 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:32,445 OH, HOW SWEET OF YOU. THAT'S REALLY NICE. 301 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,015 YOU KNOW, CHERYL ALWAYS GETS UPSET AT ME 302 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,984 WHEN I LOSE MY WALLET. 303 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:40,320 ACTUALLY, SHE'S BEEN GETTING UPSET WITH ME A LOT LATELY. 304 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,554 I DON'T KNOW. 305 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:44,624 I TRY TO MAKE HER HAPPY, AND I JUST CAN'T. 306 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,394 OH, MY GOSH. IS THAT TRUE? 307 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,330 OF COURSE IT'S NOT TRUE! 308 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,332 ANDY, PLEASE, YOU DO NOT KNOW 309 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,567 WHAT'S GOING ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. 310 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:58,438 I MEAN, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING, BUT... 311 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,507 CHERYL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME. 312 00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,545 THAT'S TERRIBLE. 313 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:06,880 MM-HMM. 314 00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:08,415 SO... 315 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,884 SEE YOU LATER. 316 00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,356 FINE. 317 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,590 SEE YOU LATER. 318 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,392 (laughs) OKAY, GOOD GAME. 319 00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,632 SO... WHERE WERE WE? (chuckles) 320 00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:28,368 OH, I BELIEVE WE WERE HALFWAY THROUGH 321 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,370 THE PERFECT FIRST DATE. 322 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:33,373 OH. (giggles) SO THE PRESSURE'S ON. 323 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,375 DON'T WORRY. 324 00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,510 I CLOSE STRONG. 325 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,383 (playing blues) 326 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,458 I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE 327 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:55,495 WHEN YOU PLAY YOUR HARMONICA. 328 00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:59,366 GOSH... I FORGOT, TOO. 329 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,600 (playing blues) 330 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,569 UM, EXCUSE ME. I'M JUST GONNA GO SEE 331 00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:05,572 IF I CAN GET HIM TO PLAY A LITTLE LOUDER. 332 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:09,409 (hums) 333 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,311 UM... 334 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,613 WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? 335 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,416 I'M IN YO' FACE! OH, ARE YA? 336 00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:20,253 YEAH. YEAH, OKAY, I SEE. YOU WANNA PLAY, OLD MAN? 337 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:21,521 YEAH! I WANNA PLAY! 338 00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:23,523 YEAH? OKAY. WELL, THEN PLAY THIS. 339 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,258 ANDY! 340 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,260 ANDY, THAT IS MY C-HARP. 341 00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,729 THAT COST ME $19.95 PLUS SHIPPING AND DELIVERY! 342 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:34,234 (scoffs) JIM, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT C-HARP AND BLOW? 343 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,635 ALL RIGHT, ANDY. 344 00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,470 I WILL. 345 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,210 JIM! WHAT? 346 00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,212 KNOCK IT OFF. 347 00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:46,446 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 348 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,481 WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY DATE WITH ANDY 349 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,317 AND TAINTING MY COLESLAW BAR? 350 00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,319 DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME BEFORE? 351 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,322 CHERYL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME. 352 00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,326 WHO CAN BLAME HER? YOU'RE A NUTCASE. 353 00:16:08,235 --> 00:16:10,203 IT'S OKAY. HE'S WITH HER NOW, 354 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,605 BUT HE'LL COME BACK TO YOU EVENTUALLY. 355 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,147 (singsong voice) HELLO! WE'RE HO... 356 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,249 (normal voice) WHAT THE HELL? 357 00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:24,351 (snores) 358 00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:27,120 IS THERE A HOMELESS MAN ON OUR TABLE? 359 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:30,123 UM, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO HELP YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER 360 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,125 GET THE BABIES OUT OF THE CAR? 361 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,393 THANK YOU, SWEETIE. 362 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,168 (gasps) 363 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,406 CHERYL. 364 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:49,209 (stammers) YOU'RE HOME ALREADY? 365 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:52,112 YEAH. I GUESS YOU FORGOT WE WERE COMING HOME TODAY. 366 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,481 YEAH. WOW. 367 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,217 WHERE WERE YOU? 368 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:58,685 JIM... 369 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,687 DID YOU GO ON A BENDER? 370 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,523 (grunts) 371 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,592 YEAH, I MEAN... 372 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,727 NOT REALLY... 373 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,363 YOU KNOW, A BENDER BENDER. 374 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:13,433 I MEAN... I-I RAN OUT OF BEER YESTERDAY 375 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,703 AND LIQUOR THE DAY BEFORE. 376 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:22,109 SO I-I... TRIED TO MAKE SOME VODKA OUT OF THE POTATO CHIPS, 377 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:25,112 AND THEN I TRIED TO MAKE, UM, 378 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:28,681 SAKE OUT OF THE INSTANT RICE. 379 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:33,653 AND, UH, IT DIDN'T SEEM TO WORK SO GOOD. 380 00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:36,156 OKAY, I GOT TWO QUESTIONS. 381 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:39,492 UM, NUMBER ONE... WHY ARE YOU DRINKING SO MUCH? 382 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:43,130 AND NUMBER TWO... WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GO TO THE LIQUOR STORE? 383 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:47,467 YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE LOU HAD A MIRACLE CURE FOR HANGOVERS, 384 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,637 AND THE FIRST INGREDIENT WASN'T YOUR ANNOYING QUESTIONS. 385 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:56,243 OKAY. LET ME SEE IF I CAN PIECE TOGETHER 386 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,478 WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE. 387 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:02,349 I WISH YOU WOULD, BECAUSE THERE'S LONG STRETCHES MISSING. 388 00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:05,352 OKAY, WE GOT A LOT OF BEER BOTTLES... UH-HUH. 389 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,487 PIZZA... 390 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,858 A PHOTO ALBUM WITH PICTURES OF YOU AND VICTORIA... 391 00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:15,628 AND... A PICTURE OF ANDY 392 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:20,233 THAT YOU DREW ON AND WROTE THE WORD "DERK"? 393 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,202 WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE "JERK," 394 00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:25,205 BUT I TRIED TO SOBER UP A LITTLE AND I GOT THE SHAKES. 395 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:28,141 OKAY. 396 00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,542 SO... 397 00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,544 YOU RAN INTO VICTORIA 398 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:34,381 AND GOT A KICK OUT OF HER BOOSTING YOUR EGO, 399 00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:38,585 WHICH WAS GREAT, UNTIL SHE FELL FOR ANDY. 400 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:42,222 AND THAT MADE YOU CRAZY, 401 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:43,890 SO YOU GAVE HER YOUR "A" GAME, 402 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,426 MAYBE EVEN BROKE OUT THE HARMONICA, 403 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,661 AND SHE SHOT YOU DOWN. 404 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,664 I WAS THIS CLOSE, CHERYL. 405 00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:54,334 I WAS THIS CLOSE! 406 00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:57,170 OH, HONEY. WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. 407 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,539 CHERYL, WH-WHERE IS THIS ATTITUDE FROM? 408 00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:03,276 YOU APPROVED THIS. YOU SAID, "ENJOY YOUR EGO BOOST." 409 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:06,179 IF AN EGO BOOST SHOULD PRESENT ITSELF TO YOU, 410 00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,515 THEN YES, IT'S OKAY TO ENJOY IT. 411 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:11,518 SO... THANKS. SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 412 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,920 BUT IF YOU GO IN SEARCH OF AN EGO BOOST, 413 00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:16,423 THEN TRY TO STEAL YOUR BEST FRIEND'S DATE 414 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,425 WHEN YOUR WIFE IS OUT OF TOWN, 415 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,460 THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS INAPPROPRIATE. 416 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:24,864 OH. 417 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,466 YEAH. 418 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,934 I GET IT. 419 00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,470 GOOD. I DO GET IT. 420 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,473 I'M GLAD. I GET HOW YOU CAUSED THE PROBLEM. 421 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:34,841 WHAT? 422 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,510 YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE. 423 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,946 YOU'RE ALWAYS OUT WITH YOUR MOTHER 424 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,515 OR GOING TO SEE DANA IN CALIFORNIA 425 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,617 OR TAKING THE BABIES TO THE PARK. 426 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:48,555 YOU KNOW I NEED MORE ATTENTION! 427 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,523 OKAY. 428 00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,592 LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 429 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,595 I JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS ON A PLANE WITH FIVE CHILDREN. 430 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:57,597 I BEGGED YOU TO COME. YOU WOULDN'T. 431 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,566 YOU HIT ON AN EX-GIRLFRIEND 432 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,568 AND TRIED TO DRINK HOMEMADE SAKE, 433 00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,603 AND YET THIS IS MY FAULT? 434 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:09,208 OH, CHERYL, YOU DO UNDERSTAND ME. 435 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,880 ALL RIGHT, ANDY, 436 00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,516 YOU KNOW I'M NOT ONE TO APOLOGIZE. YES. 437 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,451 HERE. THANK YOU. 438 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,453 BUT I NEED TO SAY THIS. 439 00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:25,358 I MAY HAVE CROSSED THE LINE BETWEEN YOU AND VICTORIA. 440 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,593 OH, THANKS, 441 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:30,797 BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE. 442 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,867 SHE DUMP YOU? 443 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,604 I DUMPED HER. 444 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,840 WHY? 445 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:43,543 WELL, LAST NIGHT WE WERE... 446 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,278 MAKING SCISSORS, AND, UH... 447 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:47,980 (clears throat) 448 00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,550 AH, SOMETHING HAPPENED. 449 00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:57,424 SHE CALLED OUT MY NAME? 450 00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,292 REPEATEDLY. 451 00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:00,527 YES! 452 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,029 OVER AND OVER. YES! 453 00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:05,031 WELL AFTER WE HAD STOPPED. 454 00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,367 I WAS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. 455 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,770 THERE'S NO WAY SHE COULD'VE MISSED ME. YES, YES, YES! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! 456 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:14,307 WHISKERS, NOSE HAIRS, TEETH AND MY UNDENIABLE SEXINESS. OH, DON'T BE A DERK. 457 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,075 THINGS IN YO' FACE! 458 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:21,080 OH, OH, OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! 459 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:21,381 KISS IT, BROTHER! 460 00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:22,181 HELLO. 461 00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:23,654 HELLO. WELCOME TO THE SMOKE 'N' SLAB. 462 00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,184 HOW MAY I HELP YOU? OH, UH, A TABLE FOR TWO, PLEASE. 463 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,185 UH, ACTUALLY, A TABLE FOR THREE. 464 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:26,686 OH, GREAT. LET ME JUST CLEAR A TABLE. EXCUSE ME. 465 00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:27,520 A TABLE FOR THREE? 466 00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:29,255 WHAT, ARE WE, UH, EXPECTING SOMEBODY? 467 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,056 OH, WELL, NO, BUT, YOU KNOW, 468 00:21:30,089 --> 00:21:31,023 IT'S A NEW RESTAURANT, NEW CROWD. 469 00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:31,924 A TABLE FOR TWO SOUNDS A LITTLE ROMANTIC. 470 00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:32,659 IF YOU'RE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THAT, ANDY, 471 00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,260 WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SIT NEXT TO ME 472 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:34,861 INSTEAD OF ACROSS FROM ME? 473 00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:35,462 WELL, THAT'S JUST COZY. 474 00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:35,895 OKAY, ROMANTIC'S NOT GOOD, 475 00:21:35,928 --> 00:21:36,463 BUT COZY'S OKAY? 476 00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:37,196 MEN CAN BE COZY, JIM, 477 00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:37,630 LIKE WE'RE IN A SLEEPING BAG. 478 00:21:37,664 --> 00:21:39,966 A SLEEPING BAG? 479 00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:41,009 NO, NO, NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN THE GIRL COMES BACK, 480 00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:42,411 LET'S JUST TELL HER THAT MY GIRLFRIEND'S COMING. 481 00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:43,002 SHE'S JUST RUNNING A LITTLE LATE. HOW COME YOU GET THE GIRLFRIEND? 482 00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:43,370 BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED. 483 00:21:43,403 --> 00:21:45,372 FINE. HERE. 484 00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:45,838 YOU BE MARRIED, AND I'LL TAKE THE PRETEND GIRL. 485 00:21:45,872 --> 00:21:46,806 OH, GREAT, JIM. 486 00:21:46,839 --> 00:21:47,640 NOW EVERYONE JUST SAW YOU GIVE ME A RING. 487 00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:48,475 OKAY, I'M NOT MARRYING HIM, OKAY? 488 00:21:48,508 --> 00:21:49,828 MY GIRLFRIEND'S JUST RUNNING LATE. 489 00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:50,309 OH, MY GOD. 490 00:21:50,343 --> 00:21:50,743 JIM, IS THAT YOU? 491 00:21:50,777 --> 00:21:51,544 YES. VICTORIA! 492 00:21:51,578 --> 00:21:52,379 OH, ANDY, ANDY, THIS IS VICTORIA. 493 00:21:52,412 --> 00:21:53,079 WE DATED LIKE, WHAT, 25 YEARS AGO? 494 00:21:53,112 --> 00:21:53,846 UH, 23, REMEMBER? IT WAS 1985. 495 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,848 THE BEARS JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL. 496 00:21:55,882 --> 00:21:56,649 WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME, YOU SAID, 497 00:21:56,683 --> 00:21:56,716 "WORLD CHAMPIONS CAN'T BE TIED DOWN." 498 00:21:57,350 --> 00:21:57,850 YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE ME. 499 00:21:57,884 --> 00:21:58,385 YOU... YOU LOOK GREAT. 500 00:21:58,418 --> 00:21:58,851 THANK YOU. SO DO YOU. 501 00:21:58,885 --> 00:21:59,386 OH. AGREED. 502 00:21:59,419 --> 00:22:00,687 ABOUT YOU, NOT HIM. 503 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,654 DAMN IT! 504 00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:02,455 SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU WORK HERE? 505 00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:03,189 ACTUALLY, I OWN THE PLACE. THIS WAY. 506 00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:03,923 OH. YOU OWN THIS PLACE? MM-HMM. 507 00:22:03,956 --> 00:22:04,757 OH, VICTORIA, THAT IS GREAT. 508 00:22:04,791 --> 00:22:06,325 OH, UH, THIS IS ANDY, MY PARTNER. 509 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:07,193 BUSINESS PARTNER. 510 00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:07,627 YEAH, UH, UH, WE'RE COZY, NOT MARRIED. 511 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,761 YOU KNOW WHAT? 512 00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:09,696 I'M JUST GONNA WAIT OUTSIDE FOR MY GIRL, ALL RIGHT? 513 00:22:09,729 --> 00:22:11,374 AND... AND HER LIMO, YEAH, WHERE WE MAKE OUT. 514 00:22:11,398 --> 00:22:12,565 YOU KNOW WHAT? 515 00:22:12,599 --> 00:22:13,366 WHEN I MARRIED HIS SISTER, HE WAS PART OF THE DEAL. OH. 516 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,477 SIT DOWN. GOD. TELL ME WHAT'S UP. 517 00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:15,101 WELL, I SPENT A LITTLE TIME IN MEMPHIS. UH-HUH. 518 00:22:15,134 --> 00:22:17,069 I GOT MARRIED. HE CHEATED. 519 00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:18,313 SO I DUMPED HIM AND STOLE HIS BARBECUE RECIPE. 520 00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:19,138 GEE, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD FEEL SAD ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE 521 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:19,906 OR HAPPY THAT YOU GOT THE RECIPE. 522 00:22:19,939 --> 00:22:20,206 WELL... IT'S A REALLY GOOD RECIPE. 523 00:22:20,239 --> 00:22:22,241 (laughs) 524 00:22:22,274 --> 00:22:22,909 AND THE MARRIAGE WAS NEVER GONNA WORK. UH-HUH. 525 00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:22,975 HE WAS NEVER AS GOOD AS YOU. 526 00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:23,576 UH... 527 00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:23,643 (laughing) 528 00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:24,677 I'M JUST KIDDING AROUND. 529 00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:24,977 OH, OH, OH! (laughs) 530 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:25,044 KIND OF. 531 00:22:25,412 --> 00:22:26,412 ♪♪♪ 532 00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:28,180 MOM, I'M MISSING A BIG PARTY THIS WEEKEND. 533 00:22:28,214 --> 00:22:29,291 OH, HONEY, THERE'LL BE MORE. 534 00:22:29,315 --> 00:22:30,049 WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO TO CALIFORNIA TO SEE AUNT DANA? 535 00:22:30,082 --> 00:22:30,783 BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO SEE EVERYBODY. 536 00:22:30,817 --> 00:22:32,752 THEN HOW COME DAD'S NOT GOING? 537 00:22:32,785 --> 00:22:33,896 WELL, HONEY, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE EVERYBODY. 538 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:34,754 NOW RUN TO THE CAR WITH GRACIE AND THE BABIES. GO ON. 539 00:22:34,787 --> 00:22:35,522 HELLO. HEY. HOW WAS THE BARBECUE PLACE? 540 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:36,188 HERE IT COMES... THE THIRD DEGREE. 541 00:22:36,222 --> 00:22:36,789 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 542 00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:38,958 (sighs) OKAY, IT TURNS OUT 543 00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:40,135 ONE OF MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS OWNS THE PLACE, ALL RIGHT? OH. 544 00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:40,693 I SAID IT. I ADMITTED IT. NOW CAN WE PLEASE JUST MOVE ON? 545 00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:41,528 OKAY. WHAT'D YOU GET? 546 00:22:41,561 --> 00:22:41,828 I GOT NOTHING! I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH HER. 547 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,863 OH, JIM. 548 00:22:43,896 --> 00:22:44,363 OKAY, OKAY, I GOT A GOOD-BYE HUG. 549 00:22:44,397 --> 00:22:45,231 WHAT AM I, A MONK? 550 00:22:45,264 --> 00:22:45,998 I MEANT WHAT DID YOU GET TO EAT? WELL... 551 00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:46,966 WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO DEFENSIVE? 552 00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:47,400 I DON'T CARE THAT YOU RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND. 553 00:22:47,434 --> 00:22:49,301 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 554 00:22:49,335 --> 00:22:50,102 BUT JUST SO WE GET THIS OUT IN THE OPEN, 555 00:22:50,136 --> 00:22:50,737 VICTORIA WAS EXTREMELY FLIRTATIOUS. 556 00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:51,738 AND SHE LOOKED FANTASTIC. 557 00:22:51,771 --> 00:22:52,104 SHE DIDN'T GET FAT LIKE YOUR FRIEND HERBERT. 558 00:22:52,138 --> 00:22:53,138 FINE, JIM. 559 00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:54,441 MY SEVENTH GRADE BOYFRIEND GOT FAT. 560 00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:55,575 YOU WIN. THANK YOU. 561 00:22:55,608 --> 00:22:56,576 ANYWAY, I'M SURE YOU ENJOYED HAVING HER FLIRT WITH YOU. 562 00:22:56,609 --> 00:22:57,510 NO. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? COME ON. IT WAS TORTURE. 563 00:22:57,544 --> 00:22:58,010 I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT WHEN WOMEN LOOK AT ME. 564 00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:00,480 WOULD YOU STOP IT? 565 00:23:00,513 --> 00:23:01,414 SERIOUSLY. THAT'S WHY I GOT RID OF THOSE SPANDEX BIKE SHORTS. 566 00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:02,148 AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED THOSE, CHERYL. 567 00:23:02,181 --> 00:23:02,949 JIM, I GOT RID OF THOSE SHORTS, 568 00:23:02,982 --> 00:23:05,151 AND ONLY BECAUSE THE JUDGE MADE ME. 569 00:23:05,184 --> 00:23:06,018 WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE HERBERT SQUEEZE INTO THOSE SHORTS. 570 00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:07,019 ALL I'M SAYING IS, IT'S FINE WITH ME 571 00:23:07,053 --> 00:23:07,086 THAT YOU GOT A LITTLE EGO BOOST FROM VICTORIA. 572 00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:08,588 YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? NO. 573 00:23:08,621 --> 00:23:10,132 AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN FLIRTING WITH ME... 574 00:23:10,156 --> 00:23:10,623 YOU'RE FINE WITH THAT? 575 00:23:10,657 --> 00:23:11,624 HONEY, WE ALL NEED 576 00:23:11,658 --> 00:23:11,991 A LITTLE EGO VALIDATION EVERY NOW AND THEN. 577 00:23:12,024 --> 00:23:12,425 I KNOW I DO. 578 00:23:12,459 --> 00:23:12,659 HOLD THE PHONE. 579 00:23:12,692 --> 00:23:13,092 YOU? 580 00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:13,926 I'M THE ONLY ONE 581 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,480 THAT SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU. 582 00:23:15,762 --> 00:23:16,128 ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE? 583 00:23:16,162 --> 00:23:16,929 CALIFORNIA. 584 00:23:16,963 --> 00:23:17,363 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALIFORNIA FOR? 585 00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:17,930 TO VISIT DANA. 586 00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:18,931 OH. GO. BYE. TAKE CARE. 587 00:23:18,965 --> 00:23:20,605 BE SURE TO TELL HER I DIDN'T SAY HI. OKAY. 588 00:23:20,867 --> 00:23:21,468 I LIKE IT WHEN CHERYL GOES OUT OF TOWN. 589 00:23:21,501 --> 00:23:22,301 YEAH, IT HAS ITS ADVANTAGES. 590 00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:23,035 SO YOU TOLD CHERYL ALL ABOUT VICTORIA? 591 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:23,770 OH, SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE. HMM? 592 00:23:23,803 --> 00:23:24,437 I WONDER IF VICTORIA SOMEHOW KNEW 593 00:23:24,471 --> 00:23:26,573 CHERYL WAS GOING OUT OF TOWN. 594 00:23:26,606 --> 00:23:27,006 YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW CHERYL WAS GOING OUT OF TOWN. 595 00:23:27,039 --> 00:23:27,740 THAT'S MY POINT. 596 00:23:27,774 --> 00:23:27,807 VICTORIA IS AN EVIL GENIUS. 597 00:23:28,307 --> 00:23:28,575 (cell phone rings) 598 00:23:28,608 --> 00:23:29,008 HOLD ON. 599 00:23:29,041 --> 00:23:29,375 HELLO? (gasps) 600 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:29,809 (stammering) 601 00:23:29,842 --> 00:23:30,176 IT'S VICTORIA. 602 00:23:30,209 --> 00:23:32,378 OH, MY GOD. 603 00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:32,445 OH, MY GOD, IT'S A BOOTY CALL! HANG UP, HANG UP! 604 00:23:33,012 --> 00:23:33,345 WHEW! THAT WAS CLOSE. 605 00:23:33,379 --> 00:23:33,846 MY SERVE. 606 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:34,146 (cell phone rings) 607 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:34,447 HOLD ON. 608 00:23:34,481 --> 00:23:35,047 HELLO? 609 00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:36,883 (gasps) IT'S HER AGAIN! 610 00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:37,784 SHE'S NOT GONNA TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. 611 00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:38,585 JUST SLEEP WITH HER AND GET IT OVER WITH. 612 00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:39,418 ARE YOU CRAZY? (nervously) HELLO? 613 00:23:39,452 --> 00:23:40,386 (normal voice) UH, DINNER TONIGHT? 614 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:40,853 (whispering) SAY NO, SAY NO! YOUR TREAT? 615 00:23:40,887 --> 00:23:42,589 SAY YES, SAY YES! 616 00:23:42,622 --> 00:23:43,289 OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU AT 7:00. 617 00:23:43,322 --> 00:23:44,123 (normal voice) OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 618 00:23:44,156 --> 00:23:44,691 LET'S NOT PANIC. LET'S NOT PANIC, JIM. 619 00:23:44,724 --> 00:23:45,424 UH, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. 620 00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:45,992 HEY, HEY, HEY, I'LL GO WITH YOU. 621 00:23:46,025 --> 00:23:47,694 I'LL BE YOUR CHAPERONE. 622 00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:48,260 OH, THANK YOU, ANDY. 623 00:23:48,294 --> 00:23:49,195 YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND. 624 00:23:49,228 --> 00:23:50,096 WHY DID I HAVE TO BE BORN SO DAMN SEXY? 625 00:23:50,129 --> 00:23:50,162 I ASK MYSELF THAT SAME QUESTION EVERY DAY. 626 00:23:50,730 --> 00:23:51,730 ABOUT ME, NOT YOU. DAMN! 627 00:23:52,832 --> 00:23:53,942 SO I'M SITTING IN THE BLEACHERS AT WRIGLEY FIELD. 628 00:23:53,966 --> 00:23:54,801 I GOT A BEER IN MY RIGHT HAND AND A BABY IN MY LEFT. 629 00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:55,367 SORIANO HITS THE BALL OUT OF THE PARK. 630 00:23:55,401 --> 00:23:56,235 IT'S COMING RIGHT AT ME. 631 00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,104 I GIVE THE GUY TO MY RIGHT THE BEER. 632 00:23:58,137 --> 00:23:59,038 I GIVE THE GUY TO MY LEFT THE BABY. 633 00:23:59,071 --> 00:23:59,872 I CATCH THE BALL, STAND UP, TAKE A BOW, 634 00:23:59,906 --> 00:23:59,939 GRAB THE BEER ON THE RIGHT OF ME. 635 00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:01,140 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BABY? 636 00:24:01,173 --> 00:24:01,674 I ASKED THE SAME QUESTION... 637 00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:02,174 FOUR INNINGS LATER. 638 00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:03,910 (laughs) OH, MY GOD. 639 00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:04,711 BUT I GOT THE BALL! 640 00:24:04,744 --> 00:24:05,344 JIM, I REALLY LIKE THIS SHIRT ON YOU. 641 00:24:05,377 --> 00:24:06,178 (under breath) HERE WE GO. 642 00:24:06,212 --> 00:24:07,255 WELL, MY WIFE GOT IT FOR ME, 643 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:08,991 AND I'M NOT TAKING IT OFF NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. 644 00:24:09,015 --> 00:24:09,782 I USED TO LOVE TO SHOP FOR YOU. 645 00:24:09,816 --> 00:24:09,849 REMEMBER THOSE BIKE SHORTS I GOT YOU? 646 00:24:10,683 --> 00:24:11,827 I, UH, I-I-I DON'T REMEMBER THOSE. 647 00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:12,318 SURE YOU DO, JIM. YOU KNOW, THE ONES THE JUDGE SAID... 648 00:24:12,351 --> 00:24:14,320 I DON'T REMEMBER. 649 00:24:14,353 --> 00:24:15,187 LISTEN, OUR OLD STORIES ARE PROBABLY JUST BORING 650 00:24:15,221 --> 00:24:16,231 THE HELL OUT OF MY WIFE'S BROTHER HERE. 651 00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:17,189 I MEAN, HE'S KNOWN MY WIFE FOR YEARS AND YEARS. 652 00:24:17,223 --> 00:24:18,124 UH, YEAH, IT'S TRUE. CHERYL'S MY BIG SISTER, 653 00:24:18,157 --> 00:24:20,159 BUT WE WEREN'T INTRODUCED TILL I WAS 4. 654 00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:20,993 APPARENTLY MY PARENTS WEREN'T SURE 655 00:24:21,027 --> 00:24:21,994 IF THEY WERE GONNA KEEP ME. (laughs) 656 00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:22,294 WHAT A BIG MISTAKE I THINK THEY MADE, RIGHT? 657 00:24:22,328 --> 00:24:22,962 (laughs) 658 00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:24,831 YOU GUYS ARE BOTH SO FUNNY. 659 00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:25,974 I THINK YOU'VE EARNED SOME CHEESECAKE. 660 00:24:25,998 --> 00:24:26,966 MMM! OH, IF THERE'S ONE PIECE BIGGER THAN THE OTHER, 661 00:24:26,999 --> 00:24:27,333 I THINK I'VE BEEN A LITTLE FUNNIER. 662 00:24:27,366 --> 00:24:27,399 OH, COME ON. 663 00:24:28,167 --> 00:24:28,868 MY GOD, HOW BLATANT IS THAT WOMAN? 664 00:24:28,901 --> 00:24:29,941 I KNOW. SHE IS ALL OVER ME. 665 00:24:30,202 --> 00:24:31,237 WHAT?! 666 00:24:31,270 --> 00:24:31,538 OH, YEAH, I'M GETTING A HECK OF A VIBE FROM HER. 667 00:24:31,571 --> 00:24:32,672 COME ON! 668 00:24:32,705 --> 00:24:33,205 IF I GIVE YOU THE HIGH SIGN, TAKE THE HINT AND SKEDADDLE. 669 00:24:33,239 --> 00:24:33,906 ANDY, PLEASE. WHAT? 670 00:24:33,940 --> 00:24:36,175 SHE IS WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE. 671 00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:36,876 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE DATED YOU. 672 00:24:36,909 --> 00:24:37,810 YEAH, THE MAJOR LEAGUE. OH. 673 00:24:37,844 --> 00:24:38,477 COME ON. I MARRIED CHERYL. I DATED VICTORIA. 674 00:24:38,511 --> 00:24:39,278 YOU KNOW, THE PRETTIEST DATE 675 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:40,711 YOU'VE HAD FOR LUNCH IN WEEKS IS ME. 676 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:41,581 HERE YOU GO, GUYS. 677 00:24:41,614 --> 00:24:42,081 OOH, THAT LOOKS GOOD. THANK YOU. 678 00:24:42,114 --> 00:24:42,481 VICTORIA. HMM? 679 00:24:42,515 --> 00:24:43,382 YOU AND ME, 680 00:24:43,415 --> 00:24:44,383 DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT... WHAT DO YOU SAY? 681 00:24:44,416 --> 00:24:44,851 UM, I'M SORRY. MY BROTHER-IN-LAW SEEMS TO THINK... 682 00:24:44,884 --> 00:24:46,118 I'D LOVE TO! OH! 683 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:46,485 OH! 684 00:24:46,519 --> 00:24:46,553 (humming) 685 00:24:47,253 --> 00:24:47,587 I WAS HOPING YOU'D ASK ME OUT. 686 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:48,588 YOU WERE? 687 00:24:48,621 --> 00:24:49,632 IT SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST. WE'LL HAVE DINNER HERE. 688 00:24:49,656 --> 00:24:50,122 OH, YEAH, BUT UNLIKE MY EGOTISTICAL FRIEND HERE, 689 00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:51,156 I'LL ACTUALLY PAY. 690 00:24:52,158 --> 00:24:52,491 LET ME GO GET US SOME CLEAN FORKS. 691 00:24:52,525 --> 00:24:53,626 (chuckles) 692 00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:53,993 HEY, JIM, EYES, NOSE, MOUTH AND ME DATING VICTORIA. 693 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:54,694 WHAT'S THAT? 694 00:24:54,727 --> 00:24:55,595 THINGS THAT ARE IN YO' FACE! 695 00:24:55,628 --> 00:24:57,268 I'M GONNA PUT THIS IN YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW. 696 00:24:57,396 --> 00:24:58,030 (snooty voice) HELLO, JAMES. 697 00:24:58,064 --> 00:24:59,231 (snooty voice) HELLO, ANDREW. 698 00:24:59,265 --> 00:25:00,032 (normal voice) IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I CAME OVER, 699 00:25:00,066 --> 00:25:00,933 IT'S FOR THE PURPOSES OF GLOATING. 700 00:25:00,967 --> 00:25:02,702 (normal voice) WELL, GLOAT AWAY, MY FRIEND. 701 00:25:02,735 --> 00:25:03,703 (chuckles) OH. (clears throat) 702 00:25:03,736 --> 00:25:04,370 VICTORIA ASKED ME TO PICK HER UP AT HER PLACE, 703 00:25:04,403 --> 00:25:05,337 AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 704 00:25:05,371 --> 00:25:07,674 SHE GAVE YOU THE ADDRESS OF THE PUBLIC LIBRARY? 705 00:25:07,707 --> 00:25:08,817 YOU WISH. I'VE ALREADY DRIVEN BY HER HOUSE FOUR TIMES. 706 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:09,375 AND IF SHE'S WEARING THAT DRESS THAT'S LYING ON HER BED, 707 00:25:09,408 --> 00:25:10,276 TONIGHT'S GON' BE HOT! 708 00:25:10,309 --> 00:25:10,777 WELL, ANDY, YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME TONIGHT. 709 00:25:10,810 --> 00:25:10,843 TELL ME HOW IT GOES. 710 00:25:11,410 --> 00:25:13,179 WAIT, WAIT. NO, WAIT. 711 00:25:13,212 --> 00:25:13,946 AH, WHY AREN'T YOU YELLING AT ME 712 00:25:13,980 --> 00:25:14,990 AND SMACKING ME ON THE FOREHEAD? 713 00:25:15,014 --> 00:25:15,715 BECAUSE I THINK I'M GONNA LET LIFE DO THAT FOR ME. 714 00:25:15,748 --> 00:25:16,549 SEE, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT. 715 00:25:16,583 --> 00:25:18,117 I FIGURED OUT THERE'S ONLY ONE REASON 716 00:25:18,150 --> 00:25:18,350 VICTORIA IS DATING YOU. 717 00:25:18,384 --> 00:25:18,751 HMM? 718 00:25:18,785 --> 00:25:19,586 TO GET TO ME. 719 00:25:19,619 --> 00:25:20,820 YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE, MAN! 720 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:21,320 YOU'RE JUST UPSET 'CAUSE I STOLE YOUR EGO BOOST. (scoffs) 721 00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:22,353 HEY, NO, NO, NO, NO. 722 00:25:23,556 --> 00:25:24,056 WE WENT HEAD TO HEAD, MY FRIEND, AND I WON. 723 00:25:24,090 --> 00:25:25,124 PLEASE, PLEASE, ANDY. 724 00:25:25,157 --> 00:25:25,792 IF I OPEN A DOOR EVEN A CRACK FOR VICTORIA, 725 00:25:25,825 --> 00:25:26,525 SHE WILL JUMP ME RIGHT THERE 726 00:25:26,559 --> 00:25:27,126 IN FRONT OF THE TAKEOUT COUNTER. 727 00:25:27,159 --> 00:25:27,459 HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING? 728 00:25:27,493 --> 00:25:29,395 A LITTLE. 729 00:25:29,428 --> 00:25:30,096 YEAH, BUT I FIGURED THIS OUT WAY BEFORE THAT. 730 00:25:30,129 --> 00:25:30,797 ALL I NEED TO SAY TO VICTORIA 731 00:25:30,830 --> 00:25:31,530 IS FOUR LITTLE WORDS... HMM? 732 00:25:31,564 --> 00:25:31,598 "CHERYL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME." 733 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:34,466 YOU WERE RIGHT. THIS IS COZY. 734 00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:34,934 OH, SEE? IT'S LIKE WE'RE ABOUT TO ORDER DESSERT 735 00:25:34,967 --> 00:25:35,001 IN A SLEEPING BAG. 736 00:25:35,735 --> 00:25:36,569 I WASN'T GONNA ORDER DESSERT. 737 00:25:36,603 --> 00:25:37,003 WELL, THEN, WE'RE JUST IN A SLEEPING BAG. 738 00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:37,937 (both laughing) 739 00:25:37,970 --> 00:25:40,306 ANDY, YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT GUY. OH. 740 00:25:40,339 --> 00:25:40,640 HOW IS IT POSSIBLE YOU'RE STILL NOT MARRIED? WELL... 741 00:25:40,673 --> 00:25:41,440 HEY, GUYS. 742 00:25:41,473 --> 00:25:42,174 I HOPE I DIDN'T INTERRUPT ANYTHING. 743 00:25:42,208 --> 00:25:43,009 IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT. 744 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,322 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? 745 00:25:44,844 --> 00:25:45,544 OH, I JUST CAME BY FOR SOME TAKEOUT. 746 00:25:45,578 --> 00:25:45,812 YOU KNOW, WITH THE WIFE GONE... 747 00:25:45,845 --> 00:25:45,878 AGAIN. 748 00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:47,013 JIM! HMM? 749 00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:47,947 WE WERE JUST NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. 750 00:25:47,980 --> 00:25:48,447 OH, I'M SURE YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS 751 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,583 TO TALK ABOUT. 752 00:25:50,617 --> 00:25:51,017 ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST GO OVER TO THE TAKEOUT COUNTER HERE, 753 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:51,317 GET MY DINNER... 754 00:25:51,350 --> 00:25:51,383 FOR ONE. 755 00:25:51,784 --> 00:25:52,418 OH, GOSH, I... 756 00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:52,719 (sighs) I FORGOT MY WALLET. 757 00:25:52,752 --> 00:25:53,452 SHOCKER. 758 00:25:53,485 --> 00:25:54,685 DON'T WORRY. IT'S ON THE HOUSE. 759 00:25:55,588 --> 00:25:56,422 OH, HOW SWEET OF YOU. THAT'S REALLY NICE. 760 00:25:56,455 --> 00:25:56,956 YOU KNOW, CHERYL ALWAYS GETS UPSET AT ME 761 00:25:56,989 --> 00:25:58,090 WHEN I LOSE MY WALLET. 762 00:25:58,124 --> 00:25:58,490 ACTUALLY, SHE'S BEEN GETTING UPSET WITH ME A LOT LATELY. 763 00:25:58,524 --> 00:25:59,391 I DON'T KNOW. 764 00:25:59,425 --> 00:26:01,065 I TRY TO MAKE HER HAPPY, AND I JUST CAN'T. 765 00:26:01,093 --> 00:26:01,661 OH, MY GOSH. IS THAT TRUE? 766 00:26:01,694 --> 00:26:02,361 OF COURSE IT'S NOT TRUE! 767 00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:03,162 ANDY, PLEASE, YOU DO NOT KNOW 768 00:26:03,195 --> 00:26:03,963 WHAT'S GOING ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. 769 00:26:03,996 --> 00:26:04,631 I MEAN, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING, BUT... 770 00:26:04,664 --> 00:26:05,824 CHERYL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME. 771 00:26:06,132 --> 00:26:06,398 THAT'S TERRIBLE. 772 00:26:06,432 --> 00:26:06,699 MM-HMM. 773 00:26:06,733 --> 00:26:07,133 SO... 774 00:26:07,166 --> 00:26:07,199 SEE YOU LATER. 775 00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:07,867 FINE. 776 00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:08,500 SEE YOU LATER. 777 00:26:08,534 --> 00:26:08,567 (laughs) OKAY, GOOD GAME. 778 00:26:09,335 --> 00:26:10,136 SO... WHERE WERE WE? (chuckles) 779 00:26:10,169 --> 00:26:11,904 OH, I BELIEVE WE WERE HALFWAY THROUGH 780 00:26:11,938 --> 00:26:12,772 THE PERFECT FIRST DATE. 781 00:26:12,805 --> 00:26:13,139 OH. (giggles) SO THE PRESSURE'S ON. 782 00:26:13,172 --> 00:26:13,606 DON'T WORRY. 783 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:13,673 I CLOSE STRONG. 784 00:26:14,106 --> 00:26:14,140 (playing blues) 785 00:26:14,707 --> 00:26:15,441 I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE 786 00:26:15,474 --> 00:26:16,976 WHEN YOU PLAY YOUR HARMONICA. 787 00:26:17,009 --> 00:26:17,409 GOSH... I FORGOT, TOO. 788 00:26:17,443 --> 00:26:18,277 (playing blues) 789 00:26:18,310 --> 00:26:19,145 UM, EXCUSE ME. I'M JUST GONNA GO SEE 790 00:26:19,178 --> 00:26:19,445 IF I CAN GET HIM TO PLAY A LITTLE LOUDER. 791 00:26:19,478 --> 00:26:19,746 (hums) 792 00:26:19,779 --> 00:26:20,647 UM... 793 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,348 WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? 794 00:26:22,381 --> 00:26:23,458 I'M IN YO' FACE! OH, ARE YA? 795 00:26:23,482 --> 00:26:23,950 YEAH. YEAH, OKAY, I SEE. YOU WANNA PLAY, OLD MAN? 796 00:26:23,983 --> 00:26:24,784 YEAH! I WANNA PLAY! 797 00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:25,051 YEAH? OKAY. WELL, THEN PLAY THIS. 798 00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:25,618 ANDY! 799 00:26:25,652 --> 00:26:27,820 ANDY, THAT IS MY C-HARP. 800 00:26:27,854 --> 00:26:29,097 THAT COST ME $19.95 PLUS SHIPPING AND DELIVERY! 801 00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:29,521 (scoffs) JIM, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT C-HARP AND BLOW? 802 00:26:29,555 --> 00:26:29,822 ALL RIGHT, ANDY. 803 00:26:29,856 --> 00:26:29,889 I WILL. 804 00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:30,723 JIM! WHAT? 805 00:26:30,757 --> 00:26:31,257 KNOCK IT OFF. 806 00:26:31,290 --> 00:26:33,159 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 807 00:26:33,192 --> 00:26:33,826 WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY DATE WITH ANDY 808 00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:34,426 AND TAINTING MY COLESLAW BAR? 809 00:26:34,460 --> 00:26:35,094 DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME BEFORE? 810 00:26:35,127 --> 00:26:35,161 CHERYL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME. 811 00:26:36,028 --> 00:26:36,062 WHO CAN BLAME HER? YOU'RE A NUTCASE. 812 00:26:36,796 --> 00:26:38,665 IT'S OKAY. HE'S WITH HER NOW, 813 00:26:38,698 --> 00:26:38,731 BUT HE'LL COME BACK TO YOU EVENTUALLY. 814 00:26:39,531 --> 00:26:40,232 (singsong voice) HELLO! WE'RE HO... 815 00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:40,532 (normal voice) WHAT THE HELL? 816 00:26:40,566 --> 00:26:41,433 (snores) 817 00:26:41,467 --> 00:26:43,770 IS THERE A HOMELESS MAN ON OUR TABLE? 818 00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:44,470 UM, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO HELP YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER 819 00:26:44,503 --> 00:26:44,971 GET THE BABIES OUT OF THE CAR? 820 00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:45,037 THANK YOU, SWEETIE. 821 00:26:45,337 --> 00:26:45,371 (gasps) 822 00:26:45,672 --> 00:26:46,338 CHERYL. 823 00:26:46,372 --> 00:26:47,415 (stammers) YOU'RE HOME ALREADY? 824 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:47,740 YEAH. I GUESS YOU FORGOT WE WERE COMING HOME TODAY. 825 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:49,175 YEAH. WOW. 826 00:26:49,208 --> 00:26:49,475 WHERE WERE YOU? 827 00:26:49,508 --> 00:26:50,076 JIM... 828 00:26:50,109 --> 00:26:50,376 DID YOU GO ON A BENDER? 829 00:26:50,409 --> 00:26:50,810 (grunts) 830 00:26:50,843 --> 00:26:51,210 YEAH, I MEAN... 831 00:26:51,243 --> 00:26:52,011 NOT REALLY... 832 00:26:52,044 --> 00:26:52,879 YOU KNOW, A BENDER BENDER. 833 00:26:52,912 --> 00:26:54,480 I MEAN... I-I RAN OUT OF BEER YESTERDAY 834 00:26:54,513 --> 00:26:55,648 AND LIQUOR THE DAY BEFORE. 835 00:26:55,682 --> 00:26:56,348 SO I-I... TRIED TO MAKE SOME VODKA OUT OF THE POTATO CHIPS, 836 00:26:56,382 --> 00:26:57,016 AND THEN I TRIED TO MAKE, UM, 837 00:26:57,049 --> 00:26:57,884 SAKE OUT OF THE INSTANT RICE. 838 00:26:57,917 --> 00:26:59,719 AND, UH, IT DIDN'T SEEM TO WORK SO GOOD. 839 00:26:59,752 --> 00:27:00,763 OKAY, I GOT TWO QUESTIONS. 840 00:27:00,787 --> 00:27:01,964 UM, NUMBER ONE... WHY ARE YOU DRINKING SO MUCH? 841 00:27:01,988 --> 00:27:03,098 AND NUMBER TWO... WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GO TO THE LIQUOR STORE? 842 00:27:03,122 --> 00:27:05,233 YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE LOU HAD A MIRACLE CURE FOR HANGOVERS, 843 00:27:05,257 --> 00:27:05,291 AND THE FIRST INGREDIENT WASN'T YOUR ANNOYING QUESTIONS. 844 00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:06,993 OKAY. LET ME SEE IF I CAN PIECE TOGETHER 845 00:27:07,026 --> 00:27:08,203 WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE. 846 00:27:08,227 --> 00:27:10,272 I WISH YOU WOULD, BECAUSE THERE'S LONG STRETCHES MISSING. 847 00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:10,562 OKAY, WE GOT A LOT OF BEER BOTTLES... UH-HUH. 848 00:27:10,596 --> 00:27:11,698 PIZZA... 849 00:27:11,731 --> 00:27:12,264 A PHOTO ALBUM WITH PICTURES OF YOU AND VICTORIA... 850 00:27:12,298 --> 00:27:13,199 AND... A PICTURE OF ANDY 851 00:27:13,232 --> 00:27:13,966 THAT YOU DREW ON AND WROTE THE WORD "DERK"? 852 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,302 WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE "JERK," 853 00:27:16,335 --> 00:27:16,602 BUT I TRIED TO SOBER UP A LITTLE AND I GOT THE SHAKES. 854 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:16,903 OKAY. 855 00:27:16,936 --> 00:27:17,469 SO... 856 00:27:17,503 --> 00:27:18,470 YOU RAN INTO VICTORIA 857 00:27:18,504 --> 00:27:19,338 AND GOT A KICK OUT OF HER BOOSTING YOUR EGO, 858 00:27:19,371 --> 00:27:20,916 WHICH WAS GREAT, UNTIL SHE FELL FOR ANDY. 859 00:27:20,940 --> 00:27:21,674 AND THAT MADE YOU CRAZY, 860 00:27:21,708 --> 00:27:22,474 SO YOU GAVE HER YOUR "A" GAME, 861 00:27:22,508 --> 00:27:23,042 MAYBE EVEN BROKE OUT THE HARMONICA, 862 00:27:23,075 --> 00:27:23,843 AND SHE SHOT YOU DOWN. 863 00:27:23,876 --> 00:27:24,410 I WAS THIS CLOSE, CHERYL. 864 00:27:24,443 --> 00:27:26,278 I WAS THIS CLOSE! 865 00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:27,113 OH, HONEY. WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. 866 00:27:27,146 --> 00:27:28,190 CHERYL, WH-WHERE IS THIS ATTITUDE FROM? 867 00:27:28,214 --> 00:27:29,224 YOU APPROVED THIS. YOU SAID, "ENJOY YOUR EGO BOOST." 868 00:27:29,248 --> 00:27:30,016 IF AN EGO BOOST SHOULD PRESENT ITSELF TO YOU, 869 00:27:30,049 --> 00:27:32,018 THEN YES, IT'S OKAY TO ENJOY IT. 870 00:27:32,051 --> 00:27:32,919 SO... THANKS. SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 871 00:27:32,952 --> 00:27:33,886 BUT IF YOU GO IN SEARCH OF AN EGO BOOST, 872 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:34,653 THEN TRY TO STEAL YOUR BEST FRIEND'S DATE 873 00:27:34,687 --> 00:27:35,621 WHEN YOUR WIFE IS OUT OF TOWN, 874 00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:36,932 THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS INAPPROPRIATE. 875 00:27:36,956 --> 00:27:37,223 OH. 876 00:27:37,256 --> 00:27:37,556 YEAH. 877 00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:38,057 I GET IT. 878 00:27:38,090 --> 00:27:39,091 GOOD. I DO GET IT. 879 00:27:39,125 --> 00:27:39,391 I'M GLAD. I GET HOW YOU CAUSED THE PROBLEM. 880 00:27:39,425 --> 00:27:39,992 WHAT? 881 00:27:40,026 --> 00:27:40,760 YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE. 882 00:27:40,793 --> 00:27:42,528 YOU'RE ALWAYS OUT WITH YOUR MOTHER 883 00:27:42,561 --> 00:27:43,262 OR GOING TO SEE DANA IN CALIFORNIA 884 00:27:43,295 --> 00:27:43,963 OR TAKING THE BABIES TO THE PARK. 885 00:27:43,996 --> 00:27:44,263 YOU KNOW I NEED MORE ATTENTION! 886 00:27:44,296 --> 00:27:44,897 OKAY. 887 00:27:44,931 --> 00:27:46,065 LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 888 00:27:46,098 --> 00:27:48,143 I JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS ON A PLANE WITH FIVE CHILDREN. 889 00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:48,801 I BEGGED YOU TO COME. YOU WOULDN'T. 890 00:27:48,835 --> 00:27:49,635 YOU HIT ON AN EX-GIRLFRIEND 891 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:50,369 AND TRIED TO DRINK HOMEMADE SAKE, 892 00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:50,436 AND YET THIS IS MY FAULT? 893 00:27:51,203 --> 00:27:51,237 OH, CHERYL, YOU DO UNDERSTAND ME. 894 00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:53,539 ALL RIGHT, ANDY, 895 00:27:53,572 --> 00:27:54,006 YOU KNOW I'M NOT ONE TO APOLOGIZE. YES. 896 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:54,606 HERE. THANK YOU. 897 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:55,775 BUT I NEED TO SAY THIS. 898 00:27:55,808 --> 00:27:56,142 I MAY HAVE CROSSED THE LINE BETWEEN YOU AND VICTORIA. 899 00:27:56,175 --> 00:27:56,876 OH, THANKS, 900 00:27:56,909 --> 00:27:58,149 BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE. 901 00:27:58,377 --> 00:27:58,745 SHE DUMP YOU? 902 00:27:58,778 --> 00:27:58,978 I DUMPED HER. 903 00:27:59,011 --> 00:27:59,611 WHY? 904 00:27:59,645 --> 00:28:00,246 WELL, LAST NIGHT WE WERE... 905 00:28:00,279 --> 00:28:00,679 MAKING SCISSORS, AND, UH... 906 00:28:00,713 --> 00:28:01,247 (clears throat) 907 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:01,313 AH, SOMETHING HAPPENED. 908 00:28:01,914 --> 00:28:02,248 SHE CALLED OUT MY NAME? 909 00:28:02,281 --> 00:28:03,281 REPEATEDLY. 910 00:28:03,716 --> 00:28:04,250 YES! 911 00:28:04,283 --> 00:28:04,851 OVER AND OVER. YES! 912 00:28:04,884 --> 00:28:05,651 WELL AFTER WE HAD STOPPED. 913 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,253 I WAS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. 914 00:28:07,286 --> 00:28:09,865 THERE'S NO WAY SHE COULD'VE MISSED ME. YES, YES, YES! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! 915 00:28:09,889 --> 00:28:10,389 WHISKERS, NOSE HAIRS, TEETH AND MY UNDENIABLE SEXINESS. OH, DON'T BE A DERK. 916 00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:11,523 THINGS IN YO' FACE! 917 00:28:11,557 --> 00:28:12,024 OH, OH, OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! 918 00:28:12,058 --> 00:28:13,058 KISS IT, BROTHER! 64320

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