All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S05E10.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track3_[eng]

with a brilliantly British bash,

a racy revelation and a real OMG
moment.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what
they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is
Essex.

- Say if Arg was ready to settle
down,

then maybe I could consider it.

'Cause we get on so well.

- He's coming in to stick his
big nose in,

he's sort of fucking getting
involved.

Do you know what I mean?

That's only what not to do.

- As soon as you bring my
girlfriend in,

that's a different level.

- Will you be my girlfriend?

- Yeah.

- You ain't a very nice person,
Gemma.

- No I'm not!

- And it shows.

- That really necessary
in my fucking shop?

[upbeat music]

- Mate, I think my ear
drums are still ringing.

[laughing]

That was some screaming, weren't
it?

I just wish I hadn't called
her an f'ing bitch you know?

That's not me.

- Mate she deserved it.

If someone's acting like an
f'ing bitch

you call 'em an f'ing bitch.

D'you know what I mean?

- Yeah I just didn't wanna
swear at her you know,

didn't wanna go down to her
level.

- Yeah, mate.

She was literally shouting in
your face.

The whole thing as well, the sex
thing.

You were together what three
weeks?

- We was together like eight
weeks?

Two months, but.

- Okay, you didn't have sex.

I'm not being funny right,

I'm with Lucy, she is hot,
right.

And there might be times

where we don't have sex
for three or four weeks.

Doesn't mean that I'm gay, it
just means

that I might be stressed,

I might just not fancy it
for three or four weeks,

might just be I don't feel like
it.

- I just gotta keep out of her
way now,

I don't wanna see her.

- Seriously fuck her,

she's not even worth like
talking about.

- She just made me laugh,

the whole thing when she
was poppin' at you mate.

She genuinely does think she
is Queen Latifah, don't she?

She genuinely does.

- I've either got a blue one or
white one.

But they're both floor length
and they're both booby.

- Oh, standard.

[all laugh]

I think it'll be good though.

- So you're going with Tom to
the party?

- He's gonna be there, but
I'm gonna turn up with yous.

We're not boyfriend and
girlfriend yet

and we're taking it slow.

- I love the yet!

- Yeah, yeah.
[laughing]

- Okay, we're not boyfriend
and girlfriend, so.

- Has he had the once over from
Debbie?

- Yeah, mum's always loved Tom.

She thinks he's so nice.

She's always like, oh
he's such a sweet guy.

I think my family really like
him.

- Oh my God.

That will kill Arg, hearing
that.

- Obviously Arg will be
there and everything,

but I'm just not gonna think
about it,

because I just for once

just don't wanna be involved in
the drama

- Do you know what?

It's doing my head in, all
these rivalries with boys

and I think they're unnecessary.

Mario's absolutely fuming
because Diags

has dragged me into it, that's
made me,

like made Mario go mad.

- That's not needed.

- Diags tweeted saying if you're
gonna

bitch about it, draw pictures of
me.

Like your girlfriend's,

basically saying oh your
girlfriend's cheated on you
before.

And d'you know what, it's
really pissed me off because--

- Oh, don't cry Luce.

We've all made mistakes
before babes, like.

- It's just me and Mario
are trying to move forward,

we're really happy.

And then some dickhead like
fucking Diags

has to drag everything up again.

D'you know what I mean?

I've made a mistake.

This was like what a year ago
now?

I've paid the price for it.

I wish people would stop
fucking talking about it.

It's my business, it's Mario's
business.

Don't you dare bring me into it,

fucking idiot, I hate him.

And then Arg tops it off by
retweeting it, thanks Arg.

- I do agree he come over,

but I don't think there was a
need

to throw a flute across the
academy.

- I am apologising for that.

I can see in your eyes you're
not happy with me Bobby,

the sparkle's not there.

- Gem, it's not about, I
thank you for your apology.

- I can see it, I can see it.

You're upset, I'm upset!

- I am upset, and d'you know
what,

more than upset it's hurt,
because--

- [Gemma] I'm hurt.

- I love you Gem, I think a lot
of you.

And I do think a lot of Charlie.

And you need to understand that,

I don't want any to be involved

in any kind of being pulled and
shoved

between north pole, south pole.

I don't need that, Gem.

- I only reacted to what Charlie
did.

- I don't think that was the
right way to behave, Gem.

- [Gemma] But can you see the
anger

that's pent up inside me,

there ain't no respect there
Bobby.

- And that's the thing,

too much has happened

and you can't even say it's
water under the bridge.

- [Gemma] It ain't.

- That bridge has fucking fallen
down,

there's no fixing that bridge.

- I don't want it to fix, Bob.

- And that's what you two
need to understand now,

I think you two need to keep
out of each other's way.

- So you all in love again?

So?

- All in love, man.

- All loved up?

- Yeah, did I tell ya I told Sam

she needs to get away when she's
married?

- Did ya?
- Yeah.

- Oh, God.

I need to get the wedding out.

[Chloe laughs]

- At the moment, like I've
never, d'you know what I mean?

Don't feel like that, so.

- No, I understand.

But just take it easy.

- I'm not getting married yet,

but I am writing her this love
letter.

Like obviously Sam asked me to
write

this and I just sorta,
the first thing I said

was like what do you want me to
write?

[both laugh]

- What, she asked you to
write her a love letter?

- No, she went to me
write me a love letter

and I was like what do I write
on it?

- Do it how you want, whatever.

You can't do it wrong,
it's your love letter

what you're writing.

- 'Cause.

This.

Love.

Is.

A.

Short thing.

- Why you put it like that?
- What?

[Chloe laughs]

What you talking about?

- T-H-I-N-G.

- What thing?

- Yeah, it don't matter,

at least it's got your touch on
it.

- Debbie.

Can I come in, can we talk?

- I don't really know.

I don't know what there is to
talk about.

This has just been going
on and on and on, innit?

I am actually concerned about
you.

- Can we come and talk then,
please?

Please?

[Debbie sighs]

- [Billie] That's it, oh my
God they're gonna be so heavy.

- Try n' squeeze both of them
in.

- Oh my God!

- You're like exceeding the
scale.

Like it's going all the way
around and back around again.

- I won't get two in.

Oh my God.

This is why I have so much back
pain,

now you can understand
why I'm always moaning.

They must put at least
a stone on my weight.

- They must do.

When you think about it,
it went all the way around,

so about 20?

10,

12 pound?

What's that?

- A stone.

- If you think about it, two
stone.

Well just under two
stone, probably the same

as a two year old little baby.

- So I'm carrying a two
year old in my chest.

- [Sam] Exactly.

- The thing is I, everyone
thinks

oh yeah you love your boobs
and you've got big boobs.

But it's just hard to buy
clothes,

so yous can all go and get
like lovely little like

size 10 bikinis or size eight
bikinis

with your tops and bottoms.

But I have to get like size
18 top and size 10 bottoms.

- They need to invent a proper
bikini

for people with big heavy boobs.

- [Billie] Can you weigh yours

so we can get a comparison?

- I can't even, mine's not
even gonna get in the bowl.

Can't do it, won't even go in.

- Yours is like ding, mine's
like blup.

[Billie laughs]

- When you call her all those
horrible disgusting names

who are you hurting?

You're hurting her desperately.

You're hurting all her family
for what?

You've turned into some sort of
monster,

I don't know what's happened to
you.

- I'll be honest with you
Debbie, I mean

It was hard enough when you know
sort of,

Mark went away and then
I found that quite tough

and then I lost Lydia
and it just sort of like,

the two most important people in
my life

I just sort of lost at once.

And she wasn't, you know, the
only person

that I fell in love
with, cos I did you know,

not in like a sexual way,

but I fell in love with you
Debbie.

And I love you so much.

And I've missed you so,
I've missed you so so much.

You were like, you're
literally like my best friend.

It's been really hard, like
I haven't just lost Lydia,

I've lost a family as well.

- I really do understand that.

Okay but what you've done,

is you've done the complete
wrong thing

by pushing the family
further and further away.

- I felt like I owed you
something, not,

I don't feel like I owe Lydia
anything.

- No, listen, listen.

You don't owe me anything,
James.

- I do Debbie, cos
you're like a Mum to me.

- No.

I gave to you because I wanted
to.

Okay so you don't owe me
anything.

What you do owe is my daughter
an apology.

- I don't think she's a slag or
a whore

or a sloppy seconds at all.

The reason why I should never
have,

I should never have
called Lydia those things

is because as much as, I'm
so ashamed of it and stuff,

it's always been rumours and
stuff like

that and I've always denied it
and everything but I did, I..

- You slept around.

- I did sleep with a few girls
behind Lydia's back, yeah.

- Well, don't you think
she knows that James

and don't you think I know that?

- So I've got no right to
say, I've got no right to.

Or anything Lydia's done
since we've broken up

as much as I think she's done
this and she's done that.

I've got no right to have said
anything.

And I'm so sorry, Debbie.

- [Debbie] You haven't
gotta be sorry to me, James.

- I am because I should
never have done it.

- Okay.
- I love you Debbie.

Love you so much.

[upbeat music]

- The sun's out, we've
all got our legs out,

- No, sun's out, wedges out,
bums out.

- Sun's out, bums out.

- Yeah sun's out, bums out,
defo.

- Boobs and bum.

Can't have them both out
at the same time though.

[all laugh]

- [Frankie] What?

- You got your boobs out,
you can't have your bum out,

if you got your bum out, you
can't have your boobs out.

[all laugh]

I'm really looking forward to
this party.

- Everyone's gonna be there,

it's gonna be the most awkward
thing ever - all of us.

- You think?

- [Cara] Course it is.

- Everyone's just gonna
be paired up, aren't they?

- I've lost my mate Lauren
now, she's getting married

to a Pears.
[all laughing]

I'm gonna start up, Mr and
Mrs Pears, how you doin'?

- Have you spoken to Lauren?

- Little bit, not really.

She didn't tell me.

I can't believe she went out
on a date, she didn't tell me.

- No?

- I don't care, I'm happy for
'em, but...

[Frankie chuckles]

- He ain't your type anyway,
babe, is he?

- No, he's not my type.

- I hope it's not awkward
between yous,

yous have been really
good friends, haven't you?

- [Lauren G] Of course not.

Definitely not, yeah.

I love Lauren.

- Listen, at the end of the day,

it's gonna be more awkward
for bloody Arg, Tom and Lydia.

- I reckon, if Tom is with
Lydia in front of Arg,

Arg is gonna probably have
a drink and might pipe up.

- Oh no, he can't.

- And if he pipes up, I'll
be making sure he pipes down.

- Don't, round two.

- [Frankie] It's all gonna end
up tears.

- There's been a lot of rows

going on and I don't
like it, like I text Jess

a few weeks ago.

Because I was upset with
everything that happened

and she has been like a sister
to me

and I was a bit like, like
I want to clear the air.

- [Frankie] She's got her own
record deal now, ain't she?

[all giggle]

Oh, yous lot make me laugh.

- Good luck to her.

It's something she's always
wanted.

- Billi,

don't pretend.

- You know when everything's on
top of ya

and you don't really think about
it,

and all of the sudden it just
hits you,

like for fucks sake, like.

I hate my flat, for one.

It's a complete dive.

The walls are grey, which
is disgusting as it is.

The lights are fucked, my
whole place is dirty, innit?

It just stinks of shit.

It costs me a grand a month to
live there,

which is depressing enough as it
is,

'cause I've gotta pay that money
out.

Knowing the money is going out,

I'm thinkin' why am I
payin' this for this.

Gotta little thing on
the electricity thing

to see how much I'm costing an
hour.

I'm goin' around turning lights
off,

to see how much I'm using.

That's going up by 7p or
something,

like fuck that, I ain't turning
that on.

That's a bit too much.

[Joey laughs]

I've gotta live there, I've done
one month

and I gotta live there for
another five months now.

[Joey and Chloe laugh]

- So dirty, man.

- All jokes aside, I know
it's funny and everything

and my flat is ridiculous, but
I haven't got a girlfriend,

which I do want one now.

I'm literally getting as
lonely as tits in the flat.

- Aw, Diags.

- Just give me that.

No one's gonna wanna come back
there.

- I'll come around and help ya.

Joey'll come and help ya,
we can make the flat nice.

It doesn't matter what
you think of it now,

it can 100% be nice.

- The thing is, it's not just
that.

It's like, I've got people
digging me out

left right and centre,

because obviously yeah, all
right.

I got drunk and I made few
mistakes,

I got Mario digging me
up for no reason at all.

- What you gonna do about Mario,

are you gonna say sorry to him?

- He can't talk to me like shit,

I'm fed up with being talked to
like shit.

I don't know the kid, I'm
not gonna be his mate.

I don't need him as well as
all the shit I've got going on,

I don't need him digging me out
as well.

- Oh, mate.

He's just nothing, is he?

- I never talk about stuff like
this.

You know that I never speak
about being down and depressed,

but recently it has been getting
me down.

- I know we're laughing, but you
know

I've always been here for ya.

I always will be there for
ya, you know that yeah?

- Cheers, man.

- Don't worry about it.

Listen, I agree with ya, love
ya, right.

- Cheers, man.

[upbeat music]

- Hey girlies, both of you look
very nice.

- [Gemma] Don't spill.

- Cheers!

- To the queen and all that.

Red, white and blue day!

- Yeah.

- I love your dress, Bill.

Your boobs look amazing.

- [Jess] They look wicked,
they're so big!

Here she is, woman in white.

- Sorry girls, for keeping ya.

- Wow!
- You look amazing!

- Very nice.

- [Gemma] This is a fresh start.

Fresh hair, fresh outfit, fresh
love.

- [Billie] Yeah you know
when you break up with a boy,

like girls do things like cut
their hair and dye their hair.

Well you've like grown your
hair and you're wearing white.

[all laugh]

Hint, hint, you're like ready
to be taken up the isle.

- Yeah, I think from this
look you're definitely

taking the relationship
seriously.

You look like you're going in an
office.

- Do I?

- Yeah.
- Oh no.

- [Jess] No, you look really
good.

- Yeah, but like not like.

What I'm saying is you
look like sophisticated.

- We're gonna miss the
bus if we don't hurry up.

- Arg better not sit next to me,

coz' there won't be no room on
the seat.

[all laugh]

- Have you spoken to him
about the whole BJ thing?

- No.

- You angry?

- I can never be angry
with him for too long.

- Oh, look at Gemma!

- Look at her.

Look of love, that is.

[upbeat music]

[cheering]

- [Mick] You look lovely.

You all right, son?

- [Billi] That was well
fun, I've not been on a bus.

- [Mick] That was lovely, wasn't
it.

- We could get married here.

- [Mick] Beautiful.

Come on gorgeous.

You all right, pearly queen?

- Pat, you've had your
teeth done, ain't ya?

- Yeah.

- Show us your teeth.

Oh they look lovely!

- Aren't they good.

- Are you happy with them?

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah I am.

- They're nearly as white a mine
Pat!

[all laugh]

Ain't they?

Got a Hollywood smile.

I feel a bit of
competition here right now.

- See what I mean?

- Next week we'll turn up,

Pat'll have her bum done

and she'll be like that alright
Chloe?

[all laugh]

- I was gonna wear a suit,
but I couldn't find shoes.

So I couldn't wear suit
with trainers, could I?

- You could.

You could of pulled it off.

- You reckon?

This has been nice, do you fancy
me?

- Says you.

- Don't you fancy me?

- Maybe a little bit.

- [Tom P] Are you gonna
get pissed tonight?

- [Lauren P] Why, d'you need a
drink?

- Yeah.

I need another drink bad.

- Just chill here for a little
bit

and I'll go to the bar.

- All right.

- I'll be back.

- See you in a bit.

- Aww, the fuck is?

- Oh my God!

- My foot was on that.
- What the shitting hell?

- Throw it in there, Arg.

[all laugh]

- What if it cuts in half,
then it'll turn into two?

- Yeah.

- No, it don't.

- They do.

- It's like me cutting your legs
off,

your legs wouldn't start
walking about, would they?

- No, I think they turn into two
worms.

- What you talking about?

One's got two brains, one in
that end and one in that end.

- No, it hasn't.

It's got one brain.

They'd be both tryin' to go
different ways, wouldn't they?

- Don't really matter though,
does it?

Worm is a worm.

[birds chirping]

- What's up?

- You've been talking
about me again, have ya?

- No.

Why?
- No?

- What do you think I've said?

- Well number one, you've asked
me out.

- Right.

- And then you've asked my mate
out.

- You said no.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- So?

- Why you pissed off
that I've taken her out?

- Not at all.

- So why you saying it like
that?

You sound like you're pissed
off.

- Because I'm pissed off,

when you're on a date with my
friend,

that you've said oh yeah
could've had Lauren.

- You tellin' me that you didn't
try,

you wouldn't have kissed me that
night?

- No.

- You wouldn't of?

- No, 'cause if I wanted to I
would of.

- Alright, I couldn't
have kissed ya, fine.

- Oh my God.

- What?

What do you want me to say?

- Don't give it all the
biggins, it's not fair,

- I'm not giving you
the biggins at all babe,

you've come over here.

- Yeah, to have a word with you,

don't talk about me like that.

- I won't talk about you in
future.

- Or do it again.

- I won't talk about you
in future, so we're fine.

- It's not like don't talk about
me,

I'm not being rude, I'm just
saying

it's out of order to make up a
lie,

when that's not very fair.

- I genuinely I don't think it
was a lie,

I meant it in a jokey way.

So I don't really know why
you're getting offended by it.

I didn't...

- It's just a bit embarrasin'.

- I didn't mean to upset ya
and if it did I'm sorry, but...

- Okay.

Well you can't kiss me
so, don't think you can.

- [Lauren P] What?

- Him say to you.

- I'll kiss Lauren instead
maybe.

- Why, whats goin' on?

- That apparently he could've
kissed me.

[birds chirping]

[girls laugh]

I just didn't like it.

Alright?
- Yeah, you're fine.

Anyway.

[bright music]

- What we calling ourselves now?

- League of gentlemen.

- I like it.
- To the league of gentleman.

- Cheers, boys!

- Cheers!

- There's one thing I wanna say
though,

one thing I wanna say
that I really really do

like about ya is bow ties.

Absolutely.

- Oh my God, that bow tie's so
nice, man.

- Listen, my Nanny Brighton
knitted me this bow tie.

- And it's still shit.

[all laugh]

- You're so harsh.

- And I'm still absolutely
disgusted.

- Here we go, sorry Nanny
Brighton I broke it.

Right, you know we are true
friends.

Yeah?

So we should tell each other
everything

and hide no secrets and--

- Stop talking like this, talk
normal man.

[all laugh]

- Okay, sorry my veneers
are going a bit mad.

- What is it?

[Arg giggles]

- You know when we was in
Marbella?

- Yeah.

- We had a drunken night out,
didn't we, at Puerto Banús.

- Yeah with Gemma and all them,
yeah?

- Yeah, and then I got into, aw
shit.

[Arg laughs]

- Just tell us what the fucking
thing is.

- Right, basically, I
was in Marbella bootcamp,

I was lagging, got in bed with
Gemma

and she give me a hand job.

[Joey screams]

- What the fuck?

- But d'you know what,
d'you know what though?

It was really weird

because I just literally laid
there,

closed my eyes and thought of
Marbella.

- Arg, what the fuck?

You obviously wanted something
to happen.

- Oh my God.

No no no no.

- No no no no!
- Shut up!

- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!

Why didn't you tell me?

Why did you not tell me?

- Because I didn't want everyone
knowing.

- I thought we was true friends.

Mate, I generally think
you like her a little bit.

- I'll be truthful with you
boys,

I'm not gonna get embarrassed

I'll just tell you the truth,
there is--

- Chemistry.

- I think there's just something

about when me and Gemma
together,

we bounce off each other well

and you know there is a
little bit of something there,

bit of chemistry between us,

but I don't wanna sound harsh
'cause I can't talk myself,

basically she's a pretty girl in
the face,

but me and Gemma have both been
given

really bad metabolisms, haven't
we?

- Well not really, I mean you're
not,

you're not the fattest
kid in the world, are ya?

- I just dunno if I fancy her,

but I just know when I've had a
few drinks

it could be a whole different
story.

[Arg laughs]

- I actually can't believe this
happened.

It's so weird.

- It's actually quite
disturbing.

[Arg laughs]

[crowd chatting]

[upbeat music]

- Don't tell them what he told
us.

- What?

- It's quite funny.

- What is the gossip, tell us?

- Do you know what, it
will get out anyway,

because the person it's
about has the biggest mouth

going and is a complete
gossip and he knows it.

It's about Arg.

Basically he went to Marbella
on the boot camp, didn't he?

- Yeah.

- And Arg went back to his
cabin,

there were bunk beds and he
was sharing them with Gemma.

Gemma was lying on the bunk bed
and Arg

just got in with her and he was
like,

weren't thinking of it,

but he was like I'm a little bit
horny

and I little bit like--

- They didn't sleep together?

No, what happened?

- Nah, they were lying next to
each other

and all of a sudden he could
feel

Gemma's hand going down to his--

- She tossed him off.

- Yeah, she gave him a handjob
basically.

- We knew she fancied him.

D' ya know what--

- She tried getting on top
of him then he was like no.

- Yeah, she tried getting on top
of him

and he went nah.

But remember this is
Arg's side of the story.

- Ok the toss off maybe,
but I don't believe

she tried to climb on him.

- Can't imagine--

- Nah, man, she is quite horny

- So is he, that's why they do
it

'cause they both horny people

and you bring horny people
together and they start--

- Horn dogging.

- Every time we mention Arg to
Gemma,

she has like a twinkle in her
eye.

- What did Arg say, was it good?

- Arg said he would,
she's got good technique.

[Sam and Billie laugh]

- Good techers, didn't he?

- That ain't a bad thing.

It's like good for her and good
for him.

- I've made this blazer and
I'm makin' it look good,

you've gotta remember

this blazer costs more than your
outfit.

- Have you seen Arg's outfit?

He's wearing bloody espadrilles,
mate.

That's like holiday weather at
the best.

- Even though me and Arg
have got beef at the minute,

he is a good kid deep
down he's a good kid.

He's changed at the
minute, he's lost his way,

but he is a good kid.

Diags on the other hand!

- Well, that's a whole different
story.

- I can't even put into words,
mate.

How fucked off I am with him.

There's a line and he's crossed
it,

'cause at the end of the
day that's my girlfriend,

that's the one person I care
more

about anything in the world.

- Are you gonna say anything to
him?

- Oh of course I am.

Mate, seriously,

I'll have no qualms in saying,

Diags this is what I
fucking said about ya,

so bring it on.

- That's the difference, innit?

Man versus boys.

- Exactly.

- Tomorrow, you still wanna go
out, yeah?

- Yeah, looking forward to that.

[Tom K laughs]

- Are you gonna tell me what
about what's gone on earlier?

- James come around my house.

- Did he?
- Yeah, to see my mum.

He was like just chatting away

to her and then he like said
I've got a confession to make,

that I was unfaithful to Lydia

the whole time I was going out
with her.

- What?

- Yeah, so maybe that does mean
that's it,

like he's actually moving on.

- As long as you're happy,
that's the main thing.

- I am.

I am happy.

- Keep smiling then.

- I am, always smiling when I'm
with you.

[upbeat music]

- I'm being honest, 'cause
that's what I've heard.

- Is that what happened?

- Whether it did happen or not
regardless,

he should not be going around
discussing

what happened with us
in Marbella to anyone.

- And the fact that he is means

that he obviously cares about
you

and wants something to happen?

- Almost proud of it, to start
talking to the boys about it.

- If he didn't like you

then why would he go around
saying that to everyone?

I'm sorry, but there clearly
is a chemistry between you two.

- He's messing with my
head, he's messing me up,

he's messing with my heart.

- Would you leave Rami for Arg,

would yous two, do you think you
would?

- I have got a lot of feelings
with Arg,

but I won't be anyone's dirty
secret.

- And you don't wanna throw away

what you've got with Rami for
someone

who's gonna act like a little
boy and like

and not give you full
commitment.

- You're a lovely girl

and you've got a really soft
heart

and someone needs to respect
that and treat you for that,

you're not a blow up doll

that's there to just give
a bit of hand relief.

- I don't know, I think
dunno what I'm gonna do.

I dunno whether to speak to him,

I dunno whether to just ignore
it.

- You really do need to speak to
him

and you need to confront
him about the tossing off.

[bright music]

- [Sam] Did you do this?

- Yeah I done all of it,

lit all the little candles,
everything.

- You lit all the candles?

- Lit every single candle.
- Like, literally?

Aw, this is so nice

- It's nice, innit.

- So pretty.

- Done it all for you.

Back together now, aren't we,

so I thought do something nice,
romantic.

- [Sam] It's lovely.

[owl hooting]

[upbeat music]

- You looking forward
going away, ain't ya?

- I cannot wait, I cannot wait.

Best to put my man's bronzer
away

for a little while and get an
actual tan.

So it will be quite nice.

- [Mick] You actually
wear men's bronzer, then?

- Yeah.

Now and again.

- Mick.

Can I ask if you can come out?

- [Mick] Yeah, yeah.

- All right, mate.

I just wanna clear a few things
up.

Banter's banter, yeah?

Fair enough, we bantered each
other.

You called me ugly, I
called you big nose, right?

They kept bantering yeah, then I
left it.

Then you went on Twitter,
you tweeted a picture of me,

ugly picture of me, fair
enough, you've done that.

What did you think was gonna
happen?

Did you think I weren't gonna
retaliate?

No, listen.

Did you think I wasn't
gonna write something back?

- You started this all off

by starting about my nose, did
you not?

- No, you started this all off.

You started this, mate.

You and your little boys started
it off

calling me a little bitch boy.

You did say that, saying
Diags gets bantered

by his mates all the time.

Fuck all to do with you, mate.

You're not my mate!

- Yeah, my nose ain't got
fuck all to do with you.

- Yeah, my face got
fuck all to do with you.

- Yeah, Lucy has fuck all to do
with you,

I don't give a fuck.

- You obviously do give a fuck,

coz you got fucking pissed
off about it, didn't ya?

- Thing is, you bought Lucy into
it.

Why bring Lucy into it?

- Don't give a shit if I bought
Lucy into it or not, mate.

- You think that fucking
Tweet aimed at me.

If it wasn't for your mate,
yeah.

Yeah and your peoples say it's
got fuck all to do with you!

- Yeah, because you ain't
got nothing else on me, mate!

- You got nothing else on me,

that's why you bought fucking
shit up

that ain't got fuck all to do
with you!

- You got a mouth bigger than
anyone,

you fucking idiot, what you
talking about?

- What's she got to do with
then?

What's Lucy got to do with it?

You made her fucking cry!

What she got to do with it?

- I know it's got nothing to do
with Lucy.

- What she got fucking do with
it?

- It's not your fucking problem,
mate!

- No, it's all your fucking
problem.

- Say what you gotta say.

You think he's--

- Whoa, what are you talking
about ro her?

- Tom, Tom, Tom.

Leave it to him, leave it to
him.

- I'm trying not to push into
it.

- Diags, the only thing he's
angry about--

- Is the fact that you
brought her into it.

It's got nothing to do with her!

- You tried to make me out
to be the biggest mug, yeah,

but you got mugged off
bigger than anyone else,

so don't try and--

- That's got fuck all to do with
you!

- Stop fucking bantering then!

Don't fucking say anything!
- It's banter between

me and you!

- It's not banter, you're
not my fucking mate!

Fuck off, boring!
- Fuck off, you fucking mug!

Exactly what I expected
from you, you fucking idiot!

He's a mug.

- [Lucy] He's showing exactly
what he is,

immature little boy.

- Got nothing else to throw at
me.

- [Mick] You all right?

- Just shows little boys, innit?

All he had to do was apologise
to me

and it would've been fine,
wouldn't it?

And that just shows you
how much maturity he's got,

how much brain he's got,
that he didn't even do that.

- The whole thing between me and
you,

we've got through it,
we're in a good place now.

Who the fuck is that little
prick to bring it back up

and over Twitter as
well, what a shit crew.

- You've been askin' for
a love letter, haven't ya?

- Have you got one?

You made it?
- Yeah.

- Aww, that's so nice.

- Can you read my writing,
my writing's so bad.

[Sam laughs]

- Why you laughin' for?

- I remember when we first met
each other

at one of my nights in London.

[Sam laughs]

It's your handwriting, I'm
sorry.

At the end of the night we was
in a cab

and I was snogging you.

Yeah d'ya remember that?

Jumped in and snogged me.

And then waking up on
Charlie's sticky leather...

[Sam and Joey laugh]

Charlie's sticky leather sofa
with my hand on your nun.

[Sam and Joey laugh]

- It's true though, innit?

- I know I always tell you this,

but you're the love of my life

and that will never change.

I would do anything for you,
you mean the world to me,

I love you.

Oh, so lovely.

I thought I was gonna cry when I
read it,

it's so nice I'll write you one
next.

- I'm really really
glad were back together.

- Me too.
- You glad, yeah?

- I'm happy.

- I'm happy as well.

I love you.
- I love you too.

[upbeat music]

- [Gemma] Arg, where you going?

- Fucking hell, Gem.

[Arg chuckling]

- What's up?

- My God, my heart stopped.

You know you scared me there
proper.

- I scared you.

- Oh, fucking hell.

- You all right?

- Yeah I'm all right, just...

Fucking hell, sorry.

- Calm down your with me,
it's all right, it's me.

Why have you been going around
telling

everyone that I gave you
a hand job in Marbella?

[Arg chuckles]

- I haven't told everyone.

- 'Cause it ain't really what
happened.

- What d'ya mean?

What else happened then?

You did do it.

- All right, I did do it.

- All right, of course you did,

but listen it's nothing to be
ashamed of.

- I'm not ashamed of it,

but it should've been private
between us.

- Yeah, I know that.

I'm sorry I only told the boys

and we tell each other
everything

that's what boys do,

I didn't mean to cause any
offence or anything like that.

- For ages now you've been
playing with my emotions right?

You and I, you can
barely looking in my eye,

they are gleaming right?

You can barely contain yourself,

because you and I both know
there is something between us.

What's going on?

- I think you are,

not just a lovely girl,

I think you're amazing.

I think you got big bubbly
personality just like me.

You know we both kind of
struggle with same you know,

love handles and the
belly and stuff like that,

but I'm trying to word this--

- Is there any chemistry
there for you with me?

- I'm very fond of you, Gemma.

I'm very very very fond of you,

we've got a really really
good friendship, haven't we?

Don't you think?

- Friendship.

- Yeah when you're drunk,
they say that sometimes

your true feelings come out
so now I'm sort of thinking

to myself, is there, I don't
know just tell me the truth.

When you're drunk you say to me

that you love me and et cetera
and that,

now you're sober, you're
not drunk now, are you?

- I do love you.

[Arg exhales]

- Fucking hell.

Do ya?
- Yeah.

- [Arg] What do you mean love
me?

Like you got a bit of a
crush on me, like friend?

- No, dick, I love you.

I do love you, you know I love
you

and you've known it for a long
time.

If you don't love me back I'll
understand,

I'll just get on with my life.

- I can't lie to you and say
that I'm in love with you now,

but I dunno what to say,
I don't wanna lead you on,

but then I dunno, I just think
that...

[Gemma laughs]

- Why are you acting like a
weirdo?

Why you nearly crying, why you
shaking?

- I dunno, I think I'm a bit
nervous, Gem.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, fuck it.

Just come on then, just give me
a kiss.

- You kiss me.

- Aw, come on then.

[Gemma and Arg laugh]

- That was quite nice actually,
Gem.

[Arg laughs]

- You've won the lottery, Arg.

- Oh, this is such a weird
night, oh.

- [Narrator] Next time!

The Only Way Is Essex hits
Marbs,

but will Billi's bikini
body be off the scales?

- [Sam] 12 pound, what's that?

- A stone.

- [Narrator] Let's hope Diags
hasn't booked the villa.

- It's a complete dive.

The walls are grey, my
whole place is dirty, innit?

Just stinks of shit.

- [Narrator] And is Arg
in line for a roll over?

- You've won the lottery, Arg.

- Oh, this is such a weird
night.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real,

and anything can happen,
on The Only Way Is Essex.