All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S05E09.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

Lucy in a bikini, and the
loudest row you've ever heard.

The tans you see might be fake,
but the people are all real,

although some of what
they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously, on The Only Way Is
Essex.

- You ain't my pal, you never
will be.

I can't trust you, you are a
snake.

- I do like Lydia and I know she
likes me

and if something might happen.

- [Gemma] Yous two might
as well just get together.

- You always have to try

to make that innuendo don't you,

you make me laugh.

- No need to get touchy, babe.

- I woke up this morning to find
out

Joey went home last
night with another girl.

- What?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- I think maybe we should
just finish it now.

- Fine.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Do you think my face looks
all right without glasses?

- I think you look more
stunning than ever,

but imagine if there was
like no glasses available

in the world and no one
ever even invented 'em,

you would end up with
such a minger boyfriend.

- Oh my God, we'd all be
going out with munters.

[Gemma and Bobby laugh]

- [Gemma] Bobby, this is gonna
be

a life-changing experience for
you.

- It really is, Gem,
such a big thing for me.

I've had this hair for so long
and I just,

it's been such a comfort
blanket for so many years.

I'm having this minge
permanently erased from my face.

When I frown, it's like a labia
hevatora,

you know like the lady's lips.

- Mine don't look like that.

[Gemma laughs]

- I just feel like I could
fit a chopstick in it

and it would not fall off my
face,

but anyway tonight is
gonna be an amazing do.

I can't wait for everyone to
come,

see what I've done with the
place.

I mean excuse the lack of
chairs.

Had an absolute nightmare
with a wholesaler.

The big delivery come, open the
boxes,

like a little boy on a Christmas
day,

they are only purple chairs.

Ordered pink.

- That's a terrible mistake to
make.

So who have you invited?

- I've got a few of the gang
coming down.

Charlie's coming.

- [Gemma] Yeah.

- I'm hoping it's not too
awkward between you two really.

- Bobby, I like Charlie
as a person and that's it.

I've moved on, Bobby, in my
life,

in every way, shape and form.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- I love this stage, you know
like

right at the beginning of a
relationship.

And you get like all excited.

And your belly goes around
like a washing machine,

you get all butterflies.

- I'm so happy for you.

- So we went to this
little Italian in Soho.

- Aw!

- Yeah, which was really nice.

- [Danni] You're blushing!

- Am I?

- Yeah, you're like, aww in the
clouds.

- And then we went cinema.

- Aww.

When you speak about
it, your eyes are like,

- Do I?

- All lit up, yeah.

They really are, you look happy.

You kissed him?

- We had like a little kiss.

- Like a peck?

- Like.

- [Danni] An adult kiss.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, aww.

- This is what I love about
him, not love about him,

no, this is what I really like
about him.

- I'm sorry I've got my
bridesmaids outfit all ready.

- No, this is what I
really like about him.

He's just different.

- Giggly Lydia.

- Tom and Lydia sitting in a
tree!

- K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

[upbeat music]

- I just feel so let down
that he's lying to me,

'cause he's still lying now
saying that nothing happened.

He should know that I've
been hurt in the past.

I've had two to three past
relationships

where I've either been
cheated on or lied to.

- You have been honest with him

and said you don't wanna rush.

You wanna to take things slow.

'Cause you have had your ups
and downs with him before.

You don't wanna rush into it and
ruin it.

- Maybe like, he's probably
feeling like

a bit insecure and stuff.

Maybe you should show him a
little bit more affection.

- [Sam] I'm really affectionate.

I love cuddling and kissing.

It just happens that if
we're at a dinner party

and then he's grabbing my boob,

I'm not gonna grab his
willy, I'm not like that.

- With you and him, he's gonna
constantly feel neglected

'cause of what happened before.

So you've always got to
overcompensate for that

by being really nice to him.

- Yeah.

- And unfortunately that's
not a healthy relationship,

so you need to find a common
ground between you both.

- Do you want a full on
relationship?

- I don't know.

[energetic electronic music]

[energetic electronic music]

- [Tom P] How's it going,
mate, you all right?

- All good, man.

- All right, what's been said
then?

- Obviously, you know, spoke to
Arg,

the other night about
everything.

He still indicated me that
you boys see me as snake.

- I didn't call you a snake at
all mate.

I haven't said you're a snake.

I said, and the boys said as
well, is a bit of a dog move.

- That's what I'm telling Arg
now.

When he said to me about,

oh the boys seein' you as a
snake,

I sort of did put you in
it a little bit though.

That's what I wanna tell you.

- What do you mean, you dropped
me in it?

- I said to him look,

I was talking to Tom and
Nubar about it, as well

and he said to me, just go for
it.

- [Tom P] I didn't say
necessarily go for it,

blah, blah, blah, I would go for
it.

Like, oh yeah, fuck it, go for
it.

I was like, I can't tell
you not to go for it.

I don't wanna get involved
with it to be fair.

- Oh no, and I'm not for one
minute ...

- If you get with Lydia,

better work cause this is
just gonna cause so much agro.

- I know.

[relaxing acoustic music]

- I just don't know whether I
made the right decision, Chlo.

Ever since the other day I
ain't stopped thinking about it.

Just been thinking about it ever
since.

- But Joe, you finished it.

So what's like made you change
your mind?

- She told me she loves
me, to my face, Chlo.

And the thing, that's just
made this whole situation

just completely spin around.

- So do you love her?

- Yeah, I'm in love with her, I
know I am.

And I ain't stopped thinking
about it.

I don't think that there's any
other girl out there I love.

- Well you gotta go and get her
then.

You might have to fight for her.

- Fight who?

- I don't mean physical,

like go out and fight
somebody, like randomly.

[laughs]

- Oh, thought I'd have to tear
up someone.

- No, I mean like fight for her,
like.

So you might have to go
there and get knocked back.

You might have to prove your
love to her.

- The way she reacted from
this whole girl thing,

I could genuinely see in
her eyes she was upset

and a bit annoyed.

I didn't think she'd be like
that.

- Well to be honest,

I didn't think she would
be like that either.

- That's what I'm saying.

- I always thought like yous
was dating or something.

I didn't realise that there was

like proper feelings involved.

I thought there was on your
behalf,

but I weren't sure about Sam.

Maybe she needed to feel
like she was gonna lose you,

to realise how much she loved
you.

- I don't know what to think
now, do you know what I mean?

- Go and see her.

Get her to open up and find
out how she really feels.

- But when I get there, I lose
my words.

I walk in,

and then my heart just
melts sort of thing.

It's well weird.

And I just can't physically
speak when I'm looking at her.

I feel like I've gotta look
away.

- I know what you mean.

I've had that in the past
and what I used to do was,

I used to just to write it
all down in a text message,

but that's a bit of a coward's
way out.

But it was easier cause
then I can delete something,

like rewrite it, but once you
said it our loud out it's out.

- Imagine having some naughty
conversation with her,

like going, yeah, I'm not being
funny,

but I proper love you.

[Chloe laughs]

And like, I proper like you.

- Didn't mean it like that,
don't reread it off the text.

- My heart loves you too by the
way.

- I didn't mean that, I meant I
wait

and send it to her.

- I feel like I don't wanna ever
lose her,

do you know what I mean?

- Love's a dangerous game.

- I know, man.

- Come here, my little baby.

I wish I could make it all good
for ya.

[upbeat music]

- [Cara] Imagine getting in bed
with Arg.

- [All] Ooh!

[girls gagging]

- Oh don't, imagine it.

- [Lauren] Yeah I think
&Lydia was always on top.

- Yeah, you would have thought
so.

- You wouldn't want him
on top you'd be squashed.

- Or he does it from the behind.

- I'd rather do it from the
behind he couldn't see you.

- I wouldn't do it at all!

- Imagine it

- No wonder she fancies Tom.

- Happy for Lyd though,
she's always liked Tom.

- [Cara] Has she really?

- Yeah, always spoke about him.

- Shut up.

- I never ever picked up on it.

- I think she never would
speak blatantly about it

because obviously he's been with
Billi.

- I haven't got a problem
with it or anything like that.

I love Lydia, they do suit each
other.

And me and Tom tried to be
together, it didn't work.

It's not like we've had
a serious relationship

and had a bit of break up and
thingy.

Like, I see Tom everyday.

- I know, we've got all new
little

Essex new couples going on.

We got Tom and Lauren.

- I find that really weird, I
don't know.

- Why?

- I don't know!

- I thought he liked you in the
beginning?

- [Lauren G] Yeah, but I don't
care.

Like I think at the end
of the day I said no.

Tom, he asked me out, I said no.

- Do you get pissed off about it
though?

- [Lauren G] I'm a little bit
annoyed

that Tom said to Lauren
that when I was out

I tried to kiss him.

That's a complete lie.

- Is that a lie?

- Course it is!

Like I'm sure if I went
to kiss Tom he'd kiss me.

- [Cara] He's obviously just
trying to

make himself sound good, ain't
he?

- Listen, don't get annoyed.

We know what you're like when
you got the hump, don't we?

And are angry.

- Coming from you Miss hothead
over there?

- [Billi] What you doing, Elvis?

Come back.

- [Frankie] He might want a wee.

- Yeah I think he needs a wee.

He's got an attitude

- Like his mother!

[all laugh]

He's gonna do a wee, look

- [Billi] Oh, he's doing a poo.

- [Frankie] Eww, he's doing a
poo!

- [Lauren G] is he?

- [Billi] Ewww, Elvis!

- [Lauren G] That is the
biggest poo I have ever seen

come out of that little dog.

- [Cara] Billi, I'm not being
funny,

your dog's just had a
shit on my mums plants.

[all laugh]

- [Billi] Look at him, he's such
a diva!

- [Cara] Excuse me, Elvis?

[upbeat music and camera
clicking]

[upbeat music and camera
clicking]

[upbeat music and camera
clicking]

[upbeat music and camera
clicking]

[camera beeping and clicking]

- Can I just have like 2 minutes

just before I get the
next one, is that alright?

Thank you.

Hey baby.

- Hola, you look amazing.

- Aww. [Lucy and Mario kiss]

That's better.

[Lucy moans and giggles]

Nice though, innit?

- Yeah, should wear it
round the flat more.

- Do you know what?

I'm actually real really
pleased with how they come out.

They've come out a lot
nicer then I thought.

- I don't often say it.

But I am very lucky to have you.

- Ahh, thanks bub!

- Seriously, do you get to take
this home?

- Course I get to take them
home,

they're mine, I designed them!

- You match my trainers.

- Oh my God. They're like girls
trainers.

[Lucy laughs]

- These are quite blingy,
can actually swim in 'em

or is it just for sort of
like posing around the pool?

- Well a bit of both.

Like you wouldn't be able to do
like

the Olympic swimming in them.

- You look amazing.

- I feel like, I feel like
this is the first summer though

that I've put a bikini on.

Usually I'm fine, you know I
don't really do much exercise.

Do like a bit here and there,

but this is the first
time I felt a bit wobbly.

- What size do these go up to?

- Fourteen, sixteen.

So it's quite like I think
healthy size.

- I am really really proud of
you.

- Thanks bubs.

Its actually nice to be
the only relationship

not going through all
the crap at the moment.

I think we've had our fair
share.

- Yeah, definitely.

- But, it's our time now to be
happy.

- [Cara] I have to sleep
in this for 10 days.

- No way.

- [Frankie] I got to get my eyes
prepared.

- [Billi] Oh my god.

- It is so bad.

- You got a bikini on?

- Yeah, I've had to put
a halterneck on, look?

- Sexy!

- [Cara] It goes all the
way down to my knees.

Its got a little hole,
in case I need a wee.

- You got a wee hole?

So basically, you got crouches
outfit on?

- [Cara] I basically got
crouches knickers on.

[girls laugh]

But, do you know what,
I'm so glad I had it done.

- [Lauren G] How much did they
take out?

- Like a litre of fat.

And he showed me it after.

- Shut up, did it have like
chicken nuggets in it and that?

- Nah, no it didn't.

You're disgusting.

- [Frankie] Yeah girls, like I
used to be like a size 14-16.

- Did you really?

- Yeah, I weighed like
twelve and a half stone.

- [Billi] I remember you, like
bigger.

- I was massive.

- [Lauren G] Yeah, I remember.

- But, like I lost so
much weight so quickly.

- Don't you get stretch
marks when that happens?

- Babe, I've got the worst
stretch marks.

I've got saggy belly, do
you want me to show ya?

- [Cara] Show me yeah.

I bet it can't be that bad.

- It is.

- Look how tiny you look!

- [Frankie] Stretch marking
hell.

It's just look at my belly,
seriously.

- [Cara] Yeah but you know what
it is,

it's just loose skin though,
Frank.

- [Frankie] No, but
basically I was gonna have

a tummy tuck right,
and the doctor said no,

I said I'm too young,
I'd have a scar basically

from there to there.

People think I've got a mommy
belly,

people think I've had kids.

- [Billi] Do they?

- Yeah!

- My sister's just had a
baby and after you actually

give birth, you have to
give birth to the placenta.

Do you know what placenta is?

- No.

- My sister said it's like
a jellyfish but brown.

People can take it home and you
can cook it like and eat it.

- [Lauren G] Oh my god, who's
gonna eat their placenta?

- Lauren would if she was
hungry,

coz' it doesn't stick to her
diet.

[All laugh]

She'll be like I'll have a bit.

- There's no fat in that, I'll
eat that.

[all laugh]

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

- [Sam] It was hilarious.

- What, tell me what happened?

- So Gemma's told the
whole story about Arg

asking Gemma for a blow
job in front of Rami.

And he was like what?

Has he said anything to you?

- No, he just says, I think
Arg is in love with you.

Do you know what I mean?

- Champagne for Jess! Celebrate.

[girls cheer]

- Thank you.

- I want an apology from Arg
though.

I think he should know to
talk to me better then that.

- Don't, fancy saying that to
you.

- How do you feel about Arg?

Do you like, have any kind like
...

- I think you ...

- Your eyes light up when we
mention him.

- Yeah, when we mention Arg,

you do a little smile, you're
like.

- [Jess] You do.

- Say if Arg was Rami's age,
done all what he had to do

and was ready to settle down,

then maybe I could consider it.

- [Jess] That means yes then.

- [Gemma] Cause we get on so
well.

- I feel we got to keep our
eye on Gemma in Marbella.

- I'm not planning to
cheat on him. [all laugh]

- [Billie] What planning,
she's not planning to.

- [Jess] You're not planning it.

- No, I'm not, no it's
not in my head to do that.

- [Jess] So Arg is gonna
be there, but Rami's not?

- Oooh.

- [Gemma] What the hell has
happened

with you and Joey by the way?

- It's just basically,

like we're not seeing each other
anymore.

- What?

- [Jess] It's just weird,

how all over you he was
at the dinner party.

Then a few days later
he's falling out of a club

with a girl holding hands,
it doesn't make sense.

- I personally think he's done
the whole

let's not see each other
anymore for a reaction.

- There's no denying it,
Joey absolutely loves Sam.

- Yeah.

- So he's said it in
the heat of the moment,

or for attention.

- You've realised your feelings
for him,

so I think this is a positive
thing.

- Could be.

- [Gemma] I think he's
coming to you to say

is it the real deal, or is it
not?

Deal, or no deal?

- You gonna say that to Arg in
Marbs?

- Yeah!

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Have I got anything in my
teeth?

- No.

- Talk about comfort eating.

[Arg laughs]

I was really upset, you
know, when I first found out

but you know, I think
now its just a case of,

you know, you got to
get on with it ain't ya,

what can you do?

- How's it going boys?

- What's happening, bro?

- What's going on?

- Where you been?

- Been, been for coffee
with Tom actually, mate.

- Have ya?

- [Tom P] Yeah, you ain't got
a problem with that have ya?

- He told me that you
told him to go for it?

- Nah, I didn't say it
like that mate, at all.

I did say to him, yeah
those words may have

come out my mouth, yeah go for
it,

but it weren't like that at all.

- I shouldn't of never
told ya, when I was pissed.

- No, you should have told me
Diags,

because that's what a friend
does.

- [Tom P] No, we should have
told ya,

but not when everyone's
pissed out their heads.

We don't want to be in
the middle of things.

But at the moment, we
pretty much are, aren't we?

- I'm pretty much involved
in everyone's relationship.

- Lydia's pissed off with you,
ain't she?

- Yeah.

- Why is she pissed off with
you?

- Cause he told you.

- Obviously, you're my mate!

- [Tom P] I know, but she's
saying she wanted to be

the person that told you
about the whole thing.

- She is talking out of her
ironing board flat arse.

The thing I don't get is when
I was going out with Lydia

the thing that she loved
about me was the fact that,

you know, I made her laugh all
the time.

I had her and her family
in stitches everyday.

I've hung around with
Tom Kilbey quite a lot,

and I don't think he's
ever made me laugh once.

Has he ever made you laugh?

- Once or twice.

[all laugh]

Don't they say it takes
half the relationship

to get over the person you were
with or something like that?

- [Arg] Don't say that.

You've only got another 1
year 9 months to wait boys

I'll be back to my old self.

[mellow music]

- So the deal I signed
today was a 3 single deal,

and then with the option of an
album.

So after the 3 singles, it
could be an album as well.

- [Sam] So who's signed to
the same record label as you?

- N-Dubz and Tulisa,
they're on the same label.

- It's gonna be amazing.

- You deserve all this,
what's happening to you now.

- [Jess] I wrote it as well

so I'll be getting royalties on
it.

- [Billie] Really?

- Yeah, co wrote it.

- That is amazing.

- You're gonna be a billionaire.

- Oh my god, imagine that.

- Congratulations Jess, well
done!

- [Gemma] Are you going
Bobby's academy launch tonight?

- [Sam] Yeah, you going?

- He's got a whole new
look he's revealing.

- Really?

[all murmur]

- Yeah, everywhere he goes,
people associate him with Gok.

And he's like, I'm Bob.

- [Billie] The thing is for
him to be really different,

he has to get that fringe off
his face.

Coz I never really seen him
with no hair on his face.

- Do you know the reason for
that though?

- Yeah he doesn't like his head.

- Because his ex boyfriend used
to say

that he had a fanny on his head.

It's really mentally affected
him.

- Imagine having like
a nunny on your head.

[all laugh]

[mellow electronic music

- [Debbie] My lovely Trevor,
look, he's such an old boy now.

He's about a 120 in our age.

- Don't.

- Anyway, do you love 'em?

- [Carol] They're really
sweet, but they're nuff ugly.

- What you're talking about?

- [Carol] Look at the state of
them!

- [Debbie] I think they're
absolutely gorgeous!

Listen, him was on the
seven day death penalty.

When they're put down after
seven days

if no one actually like gets
them.

And the woman in Mutts in
Distress

where I rescued them from.

She drove for hours to pick him
up.

Just so that he wouldn't get put
down.

- Where's the other one?

- He's gorgeous, she's here!

This is Dolly.

- Is she all right to stroke?

- Yeah.

[dog barks and Carol squeals]

[Debbie and Carol laugh]

- [Carol] I can't let these
two mix with dogs like that.

That's disgraceful.

- No she's calm, she's
just really nervous!

- I think you've lost the plot.

- I'm really pleased that I
went,

I actually went there for one
dog.

We see Dolly and then
we went to pick her up

and he was in the cage nextdoor.

His tail was all down, his ears
were down,

his eyes were so sad.

So I actually got in the car
with Dolly

and I just was really sad.

Lydia was crying and I just
said I can't leave him Lydia.

I went back into the rescue
centre

and asked to speak to them, I
said listen,

I'm really sorry but I've
actually really taken to him.

- [Carol] How did Dave feel
about it all?

- I just absolutely had murders,
Carol.

- [Carol] I bet you did.

Basically you said it's Dave or
the dog.

- No, Dave said that, he left
me.

- Has he come back?

- Yes, he did come [laughs]

- Oh, you better go buy
another two dogs then.

[Debbie and Carol laugh]

[upbeat music]

- I was like have you
got something going on?

- All right, darling?

- Oh my god Bob, you look
amazing.

- Thanks Luce, you all right
darling?

- Absolutely amazing.

- [Dannii] I didn't think
it was gonna be like that.

It looks amazing!

- It's a whole new me.

I keep catching myself in
all the mirrors though,

and I'm like who's that man, you
know,

for a split split second,
I don't know it's me.

- [Lucy] Have you taken
down loads of appointments?

- Well the thing is, I
think a lot of people

have got confused like
with the opening of it.

Thinking, is it an actual salon,

but it's an academy so people
will come in

to train and to learn to be
hairdressers.

- Oh so I can come in here
and get my hair done for free?

- You can come in and have your
hair

done for free, baby, absolutely.

- Are you gonna have like
music playing as well?

- Always a little bit of
tuneage in the background.

- [Dannii] Yeah, you've got to.

I used to hate that in college,

they didn't have music on or
anything,

just sittin' there
listenin' to the teacher,

goin' in one ear and out the
other.

- What did you study at college,
Danni, I'd love to know?

- Legal secretary actually.

- Shut up!

- Yeah, and I got out
with first class... A?

Weren't it, A first class
... yeah first class.

An A basically.

- [Lucy] Shut up.

- No I did.

- What are you doing for
Marbella?

You gonna do like a funky
hairstyle

or just gonna keep it the same?

- Dunno mate, I probably..

- [Little Chris] Keep it the
same?

- Just leave it the same yeah.

- I'm worried cause I
can't really go out there

with this 'cause I get curly
hair.

You know how curly mine goes.

- Just shave it.

- No, I'm not shaving it,
I'd look like a lab rat.

- You'd look good with a zero.

- Zero, have a laugh.

I ain't gonna get a zero am I?

I'd look like Dr Evil.

All I'd need is a bald pussy
to stroke and I'd be away.

[boys laugh]

Anyway, why have you been like

off a bit with us lot recently?

- Not off of yous.

The whole Diags thing just
fucked me off.

He decides to tweet about

the whole Lucy and Mark thing
again.

Banter, I don't give a
shit about what he says

about my nose all day long.

It's Diags!

Like I've said from day one,
he is the ugliest bastard

I've ever seen in my life.

So I don't care about that,
that's between me and him.

As soon as he starts bringing
my girlfriend into it

that's a different level.

- The only thing he's got
on you, he's saying that.

That's the only thing he can
think of.

And its not really
anything to do with him.

- Yeah, but who do you
think put it in his mind?

Arg.

- [Little Chris] The way they
keep bitching about everyone,

they're not gonna have any
mates.

- Boys, Essex is a small
place, so there's only

so long they can hide for before
I cross path with them, so.

Bring it on.

- [Joey] Is this true
yeah, is it true facts?

When you have sex with
a girl, right, yeah,

we let off something in their
body

that makes them fancy us.

[Arg and Joey laugh]

- [Arg] What the fuck are
you talking about, Joe?

- Apparently it's true.

When we have sex with girl,
yeah,

and it's a hormone inside their
bodies,

so when we have sex with them
like that,

It makes it, something
inside their body goes,

oh yeah I well fancy him.

I wanna have sex with him.

- Are you sure it's not called
the G-spot?

- No!

Not the G-Spot, you donut.

[Arg laughs]

What you doin' tonight then?

- That's what I was gonna see,
you know,

see if you fancy coming out
for a drink with the boys.

- Nah mate, I honestly don't
feel like it,

I can't go out for a drink
tonight.

I'm not in the mood, I'm
just so confused about Sam.

I can't, I don't know
what I wanna do mate.

How did you know you
was in love with Lydia?

- You know, I think the fact
that I thought about her

probably near or every
minute of the day. [laughs]

And it just felt special
when I was with her.

- I can't ever see myself, for
instance

if it was all to be over and Sam
was to,

I'd never see Sam again,
it would break my heart.

I want to make her happy
and when I see her smilin'

I smile, do you know what I
mean?

- You know whether it works
out with you or Sam or not,

and I surely hope it does,
you need to do something

so at least you know that you've
tried.

Coz' you don't want to
regret it like I do.

- I know.

- [Arg] If you can get your true
love back

and win her back, you gotta do
it.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- To be fair, I really
don't like Diags anymore.

I think that he's a really
nasty piece of work.

Like I think the more that him
and Arg

are hanging round with each
other,

the more they've morphed into
each other.

Like with me and Tom,
it's all been completely

blown out of proportion.

That's because Diags has
been like a little bitch.

I basically said to him,
I should have told James.

And I even turned round
to Diags, coz I went,

you're a little bitch anyway
Diags,

cause you bitched about
Arg to me the other day,

which he did.

- Shut up!

- Yeah!

- Oh my god!

- Bitched about Arg to me the
other day

and I like went, like
you're just pathetic.

And then he wrote to me saying,
oh I'm really sorry Lydia,

like I didn't mean to
tell James, I was drunk.

- Arg, Diags, no bird, no job.

- Yeah.

- Bitches.

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

- Puts it forth, that chested
tonight.

- Do I bubs?

[Lauren P laughs]

- If I wanna be like
fashiony with no tits, I can.

- I don't believe ya.

- Your boobs are looking nice
tonight.

- Am I totally tit taped.

- [Chloe] They look so natural.

- [Lauren P] You think?

- You look like a bottled
Jean Paul Gaultier [laughs]

- Thanks babes, I think
we've coordinated quite well.

- Lauren looks pretty
tonight, doesn't she?

- You know what, have
you seen the low cut top

she's wearing tonight?

Have you seen how tight it is on
her ass?

- Do you fancy her or something?

- [Arg] No, I'm telling you

there's reason why she's
wearing that outfit.

She's heard you've got a big
penis.

[all laugh]

[knocking on door]

- Can we talk?

[door closing]

- You're this end.

[Joey] You alright?

You upset?

- Yeah, I'm still upset.

- Do you think I fucked up?

- [Sam] Well you did.

- Yeah I know I fucked up, Sam.

- All I've been thinking about
is

the situation happened
in the last few days.

So no matter how much
my friends have tried

to make me happier, trying
to say like it'll be fine,

in fact I haven't been fine.

You've embarrassed me,
you've humiliated me,

you've basically said you
don't want to see me anymore.

- Yeah Sam, I thought about
things.

I'm just an idiot for what
I said aren't I, really?

I was scared, that's why I
was wondering what do I do?

Do you know what I mean?

- So you walk out of a
club with another girl?

- No, but it's not like that,
Sam, is it?

- What have you come here for?

- Obviously, I regret completely
right,

walking out of the club
with that girl right.

I do, I regret it, and I
wish it never happened.

But I'm saying is I don't like
the girl.

I don't like her, I
ain't spoke to her since,

do know what I mean?

- Exactly since, so why can't
you

just be honest with what
happened that night?

- Nothing happened that night.

I'm sorry I walked out the
club with a fucking girl.

I'm sorry, I said this, I'm
sorry.

And I am sorry, I swear on my
life.

It's not a big thing.

But in your eyes and
thinking about it now ...

- It is a big thing.

I'm a girl, things like
that are big things.

- I know and I realise that now.

- I just played it over
and over in my head,

ah like he's slept with this
girl.

And the thought of
that, makes me feel sick

that's what I'm saying.

- I realise that.

Sam, you sound like, you
know at at the end of the day

that I'm in love with you,
don't ya, and like ...

- Yeah but, you say that and ...

Jo, you know I love you too but
I'm sorry

I'm just not like you.

I don't wear my heart
on my sleeve like you.

- What do you mean?

- I've got trust issues, I have.

You've only had one previous
serious relationship,

I've had 2 or 3, and every
single one has failed.

And I might not be like,
oh I love you, all the time

and grabbing you and this and
that,

at the moment that's not what
I'm like.

I don't feel comfortable
or confident enough

to do that because of what
might,

what has happened to me in the
past.

- Yeah I know that Sam, I've
already said

that I appreciate the fact that

you're not affectionate like
that.

- Ok, so before the other night,

was you gonna come round here
that day,

regardless of that night,
was you gonna come round here

that day and say you don't
want to see me anymore?

- No, on the positive side,
yeah,

you wouldn't have told
me you loved me right?

You wouldn't have told me you
liked me,

unless that didn't happen?

Do you know what I mean?

- Yeah but things were going
fine.

How do you know that I
wasn't gonna tell you that?

- Because you wouldn't of.

- Ok well maybe what's happened

has made me realise that
I do like you, and what?

What are you gonna do
about it now - nothing.

While things were going fine

until you fucked it up
basically.

[Joey sighs]

[upbeat music]

[Tom P gasps]

- Oh, you just wet yourself.

It's embarrassing.

That's nice.

- This is so weird, innit?

Obviously, you know Joey is
with Sam quite a lot now,

Tom's obviously you know
cracking on with Lauren.

- And I've got lumbered with
the two losers of Essex.

[Chloe laughs]

- Do you think you're better
looking than me, Chloe Simms?

- Hundred percent. [laughs]

- [Diags] She probably is.

- Oh my god, you really sayin'

that I'm not better looking than
you?

No wonder no one don't like you,
Arg.

- Oh don't be like that, Chlo!

[Arg laughs]

[Lauren P and Tom P kiss]

- Do you think I'm a good
kisser?

- You're not a bad kisser.

- Not bad, is that it?

- What do you think I am?

- You're all right.

- Sort of do, no you're a good
kisser.

- So, you're not seeing anyone
else at the moment are you?

- No.

- What I'm trying to say
is like, what are we?

Is it like an exclusive thing or
not?

Like say I was out and you
saw me kissing another girl

would you get annoyed?

- Well, I wouldn't get annoyed

because you're not my boyfriend.

- Yeah, do you want me
to be your boyfriend?

- What? [laughs]

We don't know each other well
enough yet.

- Haha, I'm only joking.

- If you put yourself into my
situation, you would be worse.

I'm sorry.

You probably wouldn't even talk
to me.

- I don't know what I'd do.

I don't know whether I'd go mad
or.

I don't think I'd be happy no.

I didn't intentionally
go out to do what I did.

It's not it's not not,
I didn't do anything.

I'm a fucking idiot, I ain't
never gonna do it again.

Swear on my life, fucking
stupid.

[Joey exhales]

Obviously when I thought about
it,

I realised what I said was
wrong.

What, why you laughing?

- Don't know.

- Do I make you happy?

- Yes!

Are you joking?

When I'm with you all I do is
laugh.

But recently what you done is
your fault.

- Yeah I know, Sam.

And I admit it and regret it as
well.

I would never disrespect you,
I would never cheat on you

and I never have, I never
have and I never would.

- Good.

- What do you want to do then?

- Well I want things to
go back to the way it was,

but I feel like I still
feel pissed off with you

for what you done.

- I love you, right.

- I love you too, Joey.

- You're the sort of girl like

I would probably want to marry.

I'm being serious, I've been
about and..

- I'm not laughing at you,
I'm laughing cause it's nice.

- Do you want to be with me or
not?

- You know I do.

[Sam giggles]

So you want to marry me now?

- Yeah, I want to have your
babies.

- You are actually really lucky.

You actually got off really
lightly.

- What do you forgive me?

- Yeah.

- [Joey] Do you want to be my
girlfriend?

[upbeat music]

- Yeah.

Come here, I haven't got any
knickers on.

[upbeat music]

[Joey and Sam kiss]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[electronic club music]

[electronic club music]

[electronic club music]

- I saw her last night
on my way back from...

- Hey guys, sorry to interrupt.

- Hello, cheers babe, lovely to
see you.

- You alright Charlie? You look
lovely.

- Thank you, it's Bobby's night,

I don't want to cause a scene,

but things have been on my mind,
Gem,

since you saw us the other day.

And I want to know, what's it
all about?

- What do you mean?

- Why was it the other
day when me and Bobby

were outside having a
coffee, you had to say

Elton John and David Furnish?

What are you getting
at, what are you saying?

- Well I'm saying just that.

- But what does that mean then?

Are you saying are you two gay?

Are you two having sex?

- No.

- Cause that's what those two do
innit,

they're a gay couple.

- Well they wear nice
clothes and they look nice

and go out together.

I don't know what they do in the
bedroom.

- Gemma, come one Gemma.

- Why you folding your arms?

Hiding your body language, undo
your arms.

- Don't talk to me, if
I want to fold my arms,

I will fold my arms.

- No, because you're hiding.

You're hiding behind what you
really are.

- So what am I then, what am I?

- Right, let me tell you
something now.

You are, a lovely boy.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

You're nice looking,
I've never put you down.

I never brought up this gay
thing,

the gay things always been there
Charlie.

I don't care whether you're gay,
straight,

wanna dress up in my outfits

and stick lipstick and heels on,

I'd be your mate still.

You have got attitude with me

and let me tell you something
now,

when you was having a
coffee with Bobby, right?

I came over, I was happy as
larry,

I was going to Sam's
house for a dinner party

with my new man, so I come over
...

- So why couldn't you just come
over

and say alright boys nice to see
ya.

Just be nice.

Oh no, you two should get
together.

- Have I ever slagged him off to
you?

- I am friends with both of you,

and I literally am bang
in the middle of this.

You haven't slagged him off ...

- Thank you, I've never
said a bad word against you.

If anything, I've gone
round defending you.

Please don't ever, ever
talk to me again ...

- Trust me, I don't want
nothing to do with you.

- [Gemma] I don't want
anything to do with you.

It's Bobby's launch tonight,
and you've come over for a row.

- I've come over because
I can't stand the fact

that we're in the same room as
each other

and there's tension.

- And I just, I want to say,
I've said to both of you.

- I didn't feel no tension,
I invited you out for lunch.

Did I, or did I not invite him
out?

- [Bobby] I said none of this
shit,

none of this fucking shit
tonight,

and you both said this
wasn't gonna happen.

I've said it before,
you're never gonna get on.

You're not Romeo and
Juliet, just fuck it off.

- But you keep coming at me

like a little fucking Jack
Russell.

Sniping, cause you're nasty.

- You are a paranoid, you're
paranoid.

- I ain't paranoid Charlie.

Look at you, you are nuts!

I don't like two faced
people, I might shout,

but I'm straight, you're a
Jekyll!

I do not care one iota about
you.

You're old news, I've moved on,

stop acting the victim

making out I'm picking
on you, cause I'm not!

- I'm sitting there
having coffee with him.

You come over, I've met
this lovely masculine fella.

- What's wrong with me saying,
I've met a masculine fella!?

- Because you're trying to prove
a point!

- No, it's in your
head, it's in your head!

I should be allowed to go round

and say I've met a masculine
fella!

That's your fucking problem!

- You ain't a very nice person
Gemma.

- No I'm not, no I'm not!

I'm the worst person ever!

- In your core, you're not a
very nice person and it shows.

[Gemma throws a drink at
Charlie]

[glass falling on the floor]

- That really necessary
in my fucking shop?

- Bye Gemma!

- [Gemma] You're a fucking dirty
Jekyll!

- [Narrator] Tor those of
you that still have eardrums,

next time on the series finale

of The Only Way Is Essex.

Has Billie discovered the
perfect dinner party starter?

- Do you know what placenta is?

You can cook it like and eat it.

- [Narrator] Will the Essex
pant rustler strike again?

- Come here, I haven't
got any knickers on.

Get off!

- [Narrator] And can Elvis
please leave the building?

- [Cara] Your dog just had
a shit on my mom's plant.

[girls laugh]

- [Narrator] Who knows,
these people are real.

And anything can happen
on The Only Way Is Essex.