All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S05E07.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

an awkward dinner party
and a complete snog-fest.

The tans you see might be fake
but the people are all real

although some of what
they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is
Essex.

- I've just met someone new.

He is the best looking man in
Essex.

- I want to take you out, just
me and you.

We can go wine tasting if you
like.

- What?

- Jessica just irritates the
life out of me, you know.

- Do you know what,
even looking at her face

is irritating to me now.

- Slagging me off and slagging
my mom off

and two of my very good friends.

Gemma and Argent.

- I just don't want to get
involved.

- But you got yourself
involved by saying,--

- That's why I'm asking
you, can't you just

you say you said it.

[upbeat music]

- [Gemma] How are you?

- Good, thank you, how are you?

- Yeah, really good.
- Hey, Gem.

You all right, hon?
- You look cute without

your eyelashes on.
- I hate not

wearing my eyelashes.
- Why?

You look about 16, it's lovely.

- Because I don't have any,

people are so not used
to seeing me without them

I think I look really
weird without my eyelashes.

- I think it makes you
look more fresh faced.

Like you're younger and that--

- You're a beautiful girl,
you don't need make-up.

- When I was about eight,
someone told me that if I picked

out an eyelash and made a
wish, it would come true.

And then it started becoming a
habit,

like subconsciously I
used to do it in my sleep.

I would pick them out, make a
wish

and then it become a compulsive
disorder.

It's called trichomania--
- Yeah.

- People do it with their
hair, their eyebrows.

- I used to see her in
the middle of the night

'cause we used to share a room.

Literally, like.

And the next morning,
I'd look at her like--

- My eyes were all
swollen, it was horrible.

- I used to be like,
you got bruised eyelids

where she was like constantly
picking.

- Mom used to put like mittens
on my hands, didn't she?

We tried everything.

I used to think I looked like an
alien.

- No, you don't, you look
beautiful.

- Yeah.

- Why don't you try another
haircut,

that's a bit from our time,
not always in the '60s?

You are Mr. Side Parting Martin.

- Listen, I would rather
look like Robert De Niro--

- You don't though.
- Then fucking Screech

from Saved By the Bell.
- Look, Screech is funny,

do you know what I mean, he's a
lot,

at least he has a laugh.

He's not sitting there trying
to be serious blowing up cars.

- Robert De Niro's a
laugh, he kills people.

- What am I going to do with my
hair?

I can't do anything with it.

- Listen, the people that
cut your hair usually

I wouldn't even let cut my
kebab.

[laughing]

You know about the row
that happened between

Cara, Billi, and Jess, yeah?

The last thing I want to do
is get in the middle of it,

but I sort of have.

Cara and Billi did say that
your mom was mutton dressed

as lamb and that you're
baldy or something like that.

It's not funny.

I am actually scared of Billi
and Cara

and as soon as I see them, I'm
gonna run.

Because trust me, they're
absolute nutcases.

- Don't be scared of girls.

You can't run, hide from Billi
and Cara

for the rest of your life, can
you?

- Trust me, I beat Billi in the
marathon.

I'll beat her even if she has to
chase me.

Cara on the other hand, she'll
catch me up, she's quicker.

I'll have to get a cab.

- Girls, I'm really nervous.

I've told Joey I'm doing
a dinner party tonight.

And literally I haven't,

like I can cook like small
things,

but I haven't got a clue what to
do

or what to make.

- You'll be fine.
- You'll be fine.

- I'm gonna poison everyone.

- Just go with things that
aren't too complicated.

- Why don't you bring your man?

Bring Rami.
- Do you know what,

when you meet him, you
will not believe how

stunningly good looking he is.

- Really?
- I've never gone

out with someone this good
looking in my whole life.

- So what, you deserve
someone good looking.

- You could be engaged
by the end of the year.

- Imagine?

- Oh, I would love that.

- Have you gone further with
Rami then you did with Charlie?

- All I will say is that
he is definitely a man.

Put it that way.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- You done the deed!
- You done the deed!

- Gemma and Rami!
- Gemma and Rami!

- As far as I'm concerned, I
look nice.

My kids think I look good.

And my husband thinks I look
amazing.

Well I'll tell you that,
he wouldn't say that.

- You look beautiful Carol, and
we know--

- We know that we're muttons.
- We're not muttons,

I wouldn't label us that.
- I think actually we're

probably the most two stunning,

like, moms in the whole of
Essex.

- Definitely.
- When we walk in somewhere,

me and Carol, all the men look
at us

and they might get a little
bit of jealous about that.

Even Nanny Pat, not being funny.

When she walks around that
pool with her bikini on,

you get men's heads turning.

[laughing]

I just, I don't know
why, for the life of me,

James would've said it though.

He's like an old woman,

oh no disrespect to you, Pat.

- Well, Arg is coming
around later apparently

to explain the situation to us,

why he never went to help
Jessica.

Apparently, so we'll wait
to see what he's got to say.

Jessica said he's got to man up.

- No one likes a weak man, do
they?

- No.

- Have you been, like measured
up?

- Yeah.

- Have you measured up here,
Joe?

You need to know like
the width, the length.

- I think it's my arms and half
of me.

And then another one.

- Did you measure it with a
tape?

- Measured it with this jacket.

[laughing]

- Why don't you just pin that up
at home?

[laughing]

- What curtains have
you got in the flat now?

- My curtains in the flat,

they've got like flowers and
stuff.

- What else come with your flat?

- Sofas.

What about your flat?

- Yeah, it came with furni, like
part--

- The bed as well?
- Yeah.

- It's very comfortable?
- Yeah.

- Really comfortable?
- So comfortable.

- All right, Joe, back off.

You know she's going on
a date with Tom today,

don't ya?

- Fancy him a lot?

Or do you fancy me?

- I don't even know him, do I?

It was a little bit awkward,
like when he asked me.

- What was he acting like, just
all like shy sort of thing?

- Shy and he kept trying
to pull me in to kiss me.

- Kind of sweat there or
something.

- Yeah, he had sweat
beads there and there.

He was like that, do you
want to go out Lauren?

- I think the date will be good,

but

it's a bitch isn't it?

[upbeat music]

- How good is this place
gonna look once it's finished?

Mario?
- I got distracted.

- You ask him to come
round and paint your house.

I can already guess who that is.

That's obviously Diags.

- How can you tell?

- He's got craters all over his
face.

Who's that one?

- That's James Arg innit?

- I'll sign it as well, if you
want.

- All joking aside, they are
pissing you off at the minute--

- Mate, they're fucking me right
off.

I mean they bitch about me all
the time.

He doesn't stop bitching
about me, seriously he's such

a pussy bitch about me
behind my back all the time.

If you've got a problem
with me, say it to my face,

he doesn't even know me.

Get over it.

And Arg, I don't give a fuck
about Arg.

Not being funny, I had
to be friends with Arg

because our girlfriends were
friends.

- Yeah.
- I've done nothing,

all they do is bitch about me.

Like, saying about my nose.

Seriously, I could live
inside one of his nostrils.

- Live up them.

They're not the only
people ain't getting on.

Remember the other night at
Mick's party?

I thought there was gonna be a
brawl.

Jess came out in tears, I drove
her home.

And, um, yeah it actually
worked out good for me.

For about an hour, we
just sat outside hers,

talking about stuff, like just
getting on with each other

without everyone around
and just having our own

sort of time, do you know what I
mean?

And we ended up, you know,
making out

or whatever you want to say.

- You snogged her?
- Yeah.

- Got with her?
For a bit.

Yeah, it was nice.

I felt like a little
school kid after that.

I drove home like all smiling
like yeah.

- I just can't look at their
ugly mugs,

it's got to go.

Bye, Diags.

- I'll do the top it for ya.

- I'll tell you what I've heard,

I've got a kitten scratching
its way out my back.

Skin on your forearm,

wonder what he's gonna say.

- So why the crown, Bobs?

- Well, you know me.

I'm kind of the gay man in Essex

and I'm the queen of hearts,
Charlie.

I'm planning my next one
in my head as we speak.

- Mario's got that sleeve, innit
he?

And that looks nice.

- I really, really love Mario's.

- I know Ricky's got one,
doesn't he?

He's got some sort of
spiritual thing on his wrist.

- Has little Chris got a tattoo?

- Um, I don't actually know.

- I saw you talking to him the
other night at the Sugarhut.

- He's the one I kind of really
do relate with quite a lot

because he's a bit similar to
me.

He's got this soft side and
basically

I said that even though
I'd made out with her

I've been with a lot of women
actually.

I've only ever been with
two women in my life, Bobs.

- Did you not feel like
you could really come to me

or tell me things like that?

- No, it ain't like that man.

- I don't want you to worry
about being able to talk to me

about things because of what
other people might think.

- Honestly, I don't give a
flying fuck what people think.

And you're my mate, whether
you're gay, straight,

do you know what I mean?

Let people call me whatever they
want,

if they need to label me, label
me.

- You can't worry about what
other people

are going to think and say all
the time

because you're just getting,
I think down in life.

Especially in Essex.

People are gonna talk.
- I know.

- If you pick up a Granny
Smith they're gonna say,

"Why you had a pink lady?"

You can't always win.

- That is true, man.

- Do you think you could
ever sleep with a man?

- No.
- No?

- No.

Not part of the experiences you
told me.

[laughing]

No.

- I could write a book.

I went round Gem's the other
day, Chaz,

and um, she was telling
me all about her new man.

- Oh, she's got a new man
already?

- Yeah, he's a little
bit older, called Rami.

- Rami?

Well she needs a good Rami,
doesn't she?

[laughing]

- So really, all we've
got to do is pull Arg up

and say, you know, what was said
then?

- Yeah.
- He's shit stirring.

- Yeah, he's a shit stirrer.

He's a people pleaser, he
keeps going around, trying to.

Do you know what he does, he
tried to become better mates

with someone by telling them
something.

But he don't realise at the same
time

by bumming up one mate,
he's losing the other.

- So you just got to tell him.

I'm a bit pissed off with Arg to
be fair.

- Yeah, well you should be.

- He's meant to be your
mate, you're talking to him,

and then you know he's gonna be
a bit sly

and do something like that.

- And you know what, Arg
is not one that wants

to start with me because I've
know a lot of shit about him.

Start talking my business,
I'm gonna start talking his.

- If he's causing agg for no
reason, then you ain't my mate.

- Course.
- I'm so upset with

him though.
- Right, let's just wait

til we bump into him,
light-heartedly and then attack.

- Listen, we're gonna bump
into him sooner or later.

- If I was Arg right now,

I'd literally would be shitting
it.

- Good.

- I don't know what,
it don't good does it?

- Not really.

- Not just a little?

- You joking me?
- What?

- Well usually you go
curtain shopping on your own.

- You don't think they look all
right

or you think they look all
right?

- They're too small, they don't
even

come down to the bottom.
- Shut up.

We didn't notice that
Einstein's just walked in.

- What's going on anyway?

- Nothing, mate, just getting
ready for the date, aren't I?

- You can't go on a date with
a vest on, that's disgusting.

- It's not a vest.
- Last time we was out

you said you can't tell it was a
vest

and everyone knew it was a vest.

- Yeah so if I turned
up on a date with you,

would you be like, what
the fuck is he wearing?

- I would think look at
that scruffy little sod.

- You know why I done it, right?

I like the pattern on the front.

And I thought it looked good.

- The pattern is an X.

- You could hang this up and it
would be

a better curtain than this
would.

- No, it wouldn't.

It's so bad, look.

There's rips and everything.

- I thought I looked good.

So have you been out
with Lauren this morning?

- Yeah, that's where we'd
just been, with Lauren.

- Did she say anything
about, about the date?

- She said that she's
looking forward to it.

- Yeah?
- And you're taking her

wine tasting, aren't ya?

Why did you just decide
to do that for your date?

- It's like sophisticated,
innit?

- Are you sure you'll
be all right with her?

- No.

- You hesitated.

Are you scared of Lauren?
- A little bit.

- Why are you a little bit
scared?

- No, I'm not, it's just that--

- Why?
- You can't act scared,

you got to be really confident.

- I'm not scared.
- 'Cause you know it is

really unattractive?
- What?

- People who ain't confident.

- I'm really confident, aren't
I?

- You are confident.
- You're so confident.

- I'm so confident, aren't I?

- Anyway, I got to go, in a
rush.

Wish me luck, brother.
- Good luck.

- See you later, Chloe,
see ya later, yeah.

- Bye.
- See ya later,

good luck, mate.
- Get some new curtains.

- Don't be cringey.
- Don't cringe out.

- I'm not cringing.

- She definitely won't be
coming back here tonight.

- I said to Gemma, I'm
gonna have to go over there

and stop it because nobody's
gonna help

and I really thought you
was gonna come from nowhere

and just say listen,
"stop this, it's true,

"you said it girls, you might
just hold your hands up."

- I felt like, I feel
like you're my family

and you know when your
family's there, you're blood.

You're not my blood but
I feel like you are,

you might as well be.

I just thought, where were you?

- It's not a case that I was
there and didn't do anything.

I wasn't there at the time.

- I don't buy that, I think
you were there at the time.

- And to be honest with you,

I'm a bit scared of Cara and
Billi.

- Shut up.
- Don't be such a pussy

and man up Argent, you
cannot be scared of girls.

Do you know how stupid you look?

- Why are you scared of them?
- I'm not proper scared,

scared of them, but they are
like quite,

they're quite intimidating ain't
they?

- So what, they can't
just go round doing things

like that to people.

A 50 year old, what are they
gonna start on Nanny Pat next

and call her names?

What you gonna do when you
actually see Billi and Cara now?

- Well,

I was planning on running.

- Run and hide again, are you?

- I was planning on it, yeah.

- That's pathetic.
- What do you want me to do?

- I don't know, what ever you
feel the need to do, Argent.

- The right thing to do is
to say something, isn't it?

- Well I'm not gonna tell you to
do that.

You should want to do that.

- I'm gonna have to do it.

I'm gonna have to say something,
aren't I?

- I think you are.

- If I'm gonna do that,
I'm gonna get insurance

on these teeth first.

[laughing]

- I was spinning round a minute
ago

and trying to find it in the
toilet.

And I was like, you're
never gonna find it, Bobby

it's on the back of your head.

- It's for other people's
enjoyment, innit?

I'm sure a lot of people
see the back of your head,

won't they?

- He's hoping.

- Oi, Gemma.

- Oi, Gemma babe!

- Oh, check you two out.

- Hello, honey.

Aw, how are you?

- I'm all right, how are you,
Charlie?

- Good, you?
- What you been up to?

- What have we been up to, Bobs?

Right, we've got new tattoos.

- Lovely.
- Yeah,

look at this bad boy.

- What does that mean?
- That's an arm sign, Gem.

I thought you were quite
spiritual.

- That's good.

What did you have done?

- I've had a crown, babe, on my
neck.

You know me, queen of hearts.

- Oh, I love it.
- Queen of hearts,

but to be fair I'm the original
King,

'cause I've got a crown on my
back.

Did you ever see it?

- No, never did get the
opportunity to, Charlie.

- You get to see it now.

- Very nice.

You know what yous two look
like?

Yous two are turning into
Elton John and David Furnish.

- Shut up!

- Yous two might as well get
together.

- You've always have to try

and make that innuendo, don't
you?

Make me laugh.

- There's no need to get touchy,
babe.

- Yeah, but you do, you
do it the whole time.

But yous, you always have to try

and go down that road, don't ya?

It's ridiculous.

- Listen, I'm going to dinner
party at Sam's so I won't

keep you two long, but you all
right, Bob?

- Yeah, been really good, babe.

Really good, thank you, how are
you?

- Really good, really good.

Obviously, I met a lovely new
man.

Really masculine, really
like the chemistry is there,

and it's just amazing, like, you
know,

it's just, can't believe it
really.

- I'm pleased for you, Gem.
- Sound like Lauren Godger.

Yeah, that's cool, I'm pleased
for ya.

- Thanks Charlie, thank you.

- I do wish you the best.

- And yous two are spending
a lot of time together,

so that's nice.

- You know what, I like
to surround myself with

genuinely nice people you know
so,

I'm having a good time.
- What, you saying

I'm not genuine or nice?

- Let's just say I
choose my company wisely.

- Brilliant.

Onwards and upwards, baby.

You have a lovely cup of tea
or whatever you're doing--

- Frothy coffee.
- Have your frothy coffee,

and you rub some Vaseline in
them tattoos.

- I need to lube my tattoo
up, it's so dry, Gem.

- I'll do it for you, mate.

- He'll do it for you.

But lots of love, all right.

Stay spiritual, Charlie.

- Bye, Gem.

Awkward.

- Mate.

- Have you ever had sex during
music?

- Sexy music?

My girlfriend at uni used to do
it.

- Did she?
- I found it so hard.

- What do you mean?

- You don't know what I mean?

You just having sex and
then the tempo changes

and you're like oh,

and then it'll change
again and you're like,

oh, all right, here we go.

What's happening with, uh--
- With what?

- Texting.
- Texting what?

- You know who.

- I know who what?
- You know who what who.

- Who what who?
- You know who.

- It's all right, you
know, you know, a bit cas.

Don't want to jinx anything.

- How is it going?
- It's going good, man.

It's a bit.
- It's a bit, leave it.

- Yeah, she's cool, I like her.

What do you think?

- Um--

- I can't say anything.

- You can't say anything
'cause you can't--

- I can't say nothing, nothing I
can't.

- It's awkward though, innit?
- So awkward.

- It's an awkward situation.

- What about Arg, he's
literally causing storms

all over the place,
starting with your sister.

- I know, mate.

Absolute shit stirrer innit he.

I know, my sister is
literally going for him, man.

[upbeat dance music]

- I'm making starters, dessert.

- What starters you making?

- Pardon?

- Billie's the one making
starters.

- I'm making the starters.

- You can't even, you
can't even cook, Sam.

- Well, why don't you come and
do it?

Why don't you hold the whole
thing?

- I'll happily come do it.

- Why don't you host the whole
party?

- I will, I will.

Stop getting the hump.

- Yeah, because all
you're doing is judging.

Can't you just let me get on
with it

and if it's not that nice.

- Anything I say.
- I'll take, listen,

I'll take your criticism,
once you've eaten the food.

- You're annoyed.

- Yeah, because you're just
being an ungrateful dickhead.

Well because I'm making a
dinner party for six people

and you're just sitting there
going,

"You can't cook, you can't
cook."

- Calm down and cook just
like, roll your pastry.

Just do what you're doing.

- Did you know that strawberries

are a natural teeth whitener?

- Are they?
- Yeah.

So, like if you get that and go.

On your teeth, they whiten your
teeth.

- Do you want some, Sam?

- No.

- I'm gonna un-invite you in a
minute.

- I don't understand why
Jess and Ricky are coming.

Because it's weird, innit?

- Because Jess is my friend.

- Yeah, so don't you think
that's gonna be a bit awkward,

like, you and Ricky at the table

and he was like sexting, was it
sexting?

- Yeah, Ricky and Gem were
sexting.

And she's got a new man now.

- I want him to feel welcome,

not like everyone's got
atmosphere at the table.

- I'm like that, I'll
make him feel welcome.

I'm just saying.

- Yeah, but what I'm saying is

that Gemma and Jess are
my really good friends.

They're coming with their dates.

So if there was a massive issue,

they wouldn't come would they?

- I know that.
- The only person that's

got an issue is you.
- I know that, Sam.

I'm just saying, stop getting
the hump.

[uplifting music]

- All right, guys, welcome
to um, Newhawk Vineyards.

One of the oldest vineyards in
Essex.

- Really?

Is it true they say the older
the wine, the better the body?

- It can be, yes.

- Is that true just with wine or
is it?

- It's true of some other people
too.

[laughing]

You can uh, do a quick
tour around the vineyard

and then you can come and have a
tasting.

- Do we have to spit it
out or can we swallow it?

- You don't have to spit it out.

You can swallow it.

- What are you gonna do?

- Do you think he's being
disgusting?

- I think he is.
- What are you talking about?

- You're embarrassing poor
Darren here.

Shush.

What, we have to follow this?

- Yes.

You just follow the
numbers and it's a history

about the, the vineyard
and the Greenwood Family.

- It's like you're on a school
trip.

- I know.
- Did you do this last week

at school?
- Shut up!

What are you, the teacher?

- So I'll see you guys later
in the winery for a tasting.

- Okay, buddy.

Don't you think it's romantic?

- I just don't think I'm
wearing the right clothes.

- You look nice anyway.
- Thank you.

I thought I'd make a bit of an
effort.

Is that a vest?
- No.

- Why are you wearing a vest?

Let me see.

- It's a vest.
- You're practically

showing all your side boob.

It's a bit forward on a first
date.

- Got to show a bit of flesh
don't ya?

- Let's see it.

Oh my God.

- Is that a bad thing?

- It's nice though.

At least you got the body to
pull it off.

- Think?

I won't be taking it
off unless you get cold.

- Yeah, I'm freezing,

can I wear your jacket?

[laughing]

- If you give me a kiss, you
can.

- I never kiss guys on first
dates, ever.

- What, not even at the end?

- Which way we've got to go?

- No, I'll tell you what.

We'll sack this off,

and we go taste some wine, yeah?

Do you want a piggyback?

Come on.
- Ready?

- Let's go baby.

- That's better.

- It's so romantic innit?

- So romantic.

- I can feel your bum as well,
look.

- Don't feel my bum.

- Not very heavy, are ya?

- Well, good.

- I thought the boobs
would weigh you down a bit.

- They're not that heavy.

[laughing]

- Look at us all sophisticated,
having a dinner party.

- I know, I can't believe
it's my first one.

Looking forward to it.

Right, so yous got cabs tonight?

- Yeah.
- So you're drinking, yeah?

- What do you mean cabs?
- Yeah, I'll be drinking.

- You're here, but no they
got cabs so we can drink.

- I'm so bad.
- In other words,

let's all get drunk.
- Yeah, wanna get drunk?

- Yeah.
- Let's get drinks,

come on, Jess.

- You all right?

- What's happening, you all
right?

- Yeah, I'm all right.
- Yeah, good, good.

I'm glad you're all right.
- Yeah, you all right?

- Yeah, I've been sweet,
I've been all right, mate.

- That's good.

- Are them two all right in
there?

- I know they're in there
on their own as well.

- Was talking to Joey earlier
and he said,

I said, "are you all right?"

and he was like, "yeah, yeah,
sweet."

But he was getting all funny
about it.

Oh look, they're talking
about it in there.

- Obviously me and you've like,

never seen eye to eye but like,

at the end of the day like, I'm
seeing,

I'm seeing Sam, you're seeing
Jess, right,

we're at Sam's like tonight
do you know what I mean.

- Yeah.
- We might as well get--

- We're all right though.
- Get on tonight.

- Ain't we?
- Yeah, yeah, sweet.

- We're all right?
- Yeah, sweet mate.

- Yeah, good, I'm glad we're all
right.

- That's good.

- Hello boys.

- Hello.
- Here you go.

[knocking]

- That must be them.

- Rami!

- Rami!
- Stop it!

Can't say that every
time you call his name.

- Come in.

- Hello.
- Rami!

- This is Rami.

- Rami!

[laughing]

- What's happening, Rami?

- This wine typically you
would be getting elder flowers,

green apples--
- What do you think

it smells like, Lauren?

- A bit like sick.

[laughing]

- Shall we taste it, yet?

- When you taste it, you
hold the wine in your mouth

and you essentially, you
suck air in through it.

- I've got a numb tongue now.

Ew!

You just got it all over the
barrel.

- Sorry.
- Good shot.

- Good luck you didn't
spit it in Darren's face.

- I've got some of it in there.

- Did you get any flavours?

- I don't know, it's weird.

Like, strawberry fizzy laces.

It makes you look like
you want to kiss someone

when you look like that.

- Shall I leave you two to
carry on with the tasting?

- Thanks, Darren, cheers mate.
- Thank you.

- What's that one with the
closed lid?

- What, do you want to open that
one?

- Yeah, all right.

Ready?
- Don't do it near me.

Do it that way.

- No, I know, I'll just do it,
this way.

- Oh, well done!

I thought that was gonna go
everywhere!

You're quite the connoisseur
aren't you?

- Been around the block.

- I don't think we really know
much about

wines and stuff.
- I don't really.

I just sort of make it up as I
go along.

That's not too young for you is
it?

- What 21?
- Do you think?

- Yeah, I thought it
might be a little bit.

- You thought it might be?
- But you kinda done all right

tonight to be fair.

- Yeah?

What you're like, ready to
settle down

and have kids and stuff like
that?

- Well soon I will be, yeah.

- Me too.
- As if you would,

you liar!
- Well, I would.

- You're still flirting about
everywhere.

- I'm not.
- Yeah you are.

- How am I?
- Have you spoken

to Lauren lately?
- I did see her at her place

the other night and she was
like,

"come over to my table."

and all stuff like this.

- What, like trying it on with
you?

- No.

She was really drunk, so I
reckon,

I reckon if I wanted to I
probably could've kissed her.

- You're such a bighead.
- I'm not saying it like that,

but I just think I probably
could.

- Then why didn't ya?

- 'Cause I wanted to take you
out.

And it would probably ruin it.

- Yeah it would've to be fair.

- I always heard from the
start you were more my type.

- Literally, as I took a sip of
my drink,

he comes through the doors, our
eyes met.

Boom, that was it.

- Love at first sight!

- I don't know about that, but I
was like,

he came up and he goes to me,

- Hello, baby.

So how long have you been
together?

- Um, we, we ain't together at
the moment.

- We was together, we was
together about a year ago.

We broke up, then recently we
just

started seeing each other again.

- And how is it going?
- Good.

- Good.
- Yeah, it's all right.

- Ricky, so how long have
you two been together?

- Well, we're sort of
like in our first stages--

- This is like our first date.
- Yeah, sort of, yeah.

- This is your first date?
- Pretty much.

- Any boom, boom, anything?

[laughing]

- No!
- Not yet.

- Definitely not.

- What do you mean definitely
not?

- Well there's been no boom,
boom.

- I know, but not definitely
not.

It would just be no, no boom
boom.

- All right then, no there
has not been no boom boom.

- No there hasn't been any
yet, but we're getting there.

- Oh are we?

- Yous two need to snog properly
first.

- Why don't yous two
kiss on your first date?

- No!
- Why not?

Ricky's game.
- Why does everyone

want us to snog?

- Kiss!

- Good.
- Thank you, Rami.

- We're like children, ain't we.

Kiss, kiss!

- I've decided I'm gonna
have the smart laser lypo.

- Oh, are you?
- Yeah, I'm gonna have it.

- No way, I wanna watch.

- What?
- See what happens.

- You ain't watching.

- I don't wanna be like your fat
mate

if you're gonna be doing
this and like looking skinny

and leave me like a beached
whale.

- I'm not gonna look skinny.

I'm just not gonna have the
bikini on

with like the muffin top.

I'm gonna have the muffin top no
more.

- Girls.

- How did you even know we're
here.

- Saw it on Twitter.

You tweeted about it so I sort
of

followed you down here.

Got to sort this out, ain't we?

- Yeah, you're right, we do.

- This looks absolutely naughty.

- Can you cook, Rami?

- Yes, not a great cook, but.

- Yeah.
- Have you been round, Gem?

- Yeah, I cooked Rami dinner,
didn't I?

- Oh, yes.
- No toad in the hole

or nothing like that?

- Toad in the hole?

You don't know what
toad in the hole means.

- Oh, he does.

- I was laughing but I
didn't even know what--

- It's basically like
a sausage in like a, a

- In a hole.

- Ricky just thinks he's funny,
he's not.

- I marinated the mince.

And then he just loved it.

He was like, oh my God,
he was kissing me so much,

so appreciative of this
good food I had made him.

- So did you have a dessert?

- These two are like,
all they want to know

about these two, is their sex
life.

- Just wondering if they
had dessert, that was all.

- Drop it!
- All right!

- You're so disgusting, Ricky.

Stop it, right now.

- Wow.

- Where did you grow up?

- I grew up in Israel.

- Were you in Israel, yeah?

So is every single person
in Israel actually Jewish?

- No, that's what people think.

You've got Arab, you've
got Christian, I'm Arab.

- You know what guys, I thought
it was

gonna be really awkward tonight.

Do you know what I mean, like
obviously

I'm sitting next to the girl I'm
seeing.

The girl I got off with.

The boy I had a fight with.

Whose sitting next to the
girl who were sexting.

But it ain't.

It's nice.

It's true though, innit?

- Joey, it's really
inappropriate.

Thanks for pointing it out Jo.
- Let's be real.

Who thought it was gonna
be awkward tonight?

- Not at all 'cause at the end
of the day,

we're mates and that's it.

- Are you happy?

- Yeah.
- Anyway, to new beginnings!

- New beginnings!

- Do you want to talk to me
about it or?

- We've got nothing to
say about it, you have.

You're the one with a mouth
that wants to talk about it.

- You're the one that's
stalked us to come down here.

Say what you got to say.
- Look, right at the end

of the day I'm not saying
that you two are like,

in the, completely in the wrong

and they're completely in the
right,

but both of you said Carol
was mutton dressed as lamb--

- When have I said that?
- And you said that, uh

you said something about
Jessica being bald and balding.

- Right, we've both said that?

- Yeah.
- So you're a,

so basically you're a grass.

You're a grass.
- All right, at the end

of the day, all right,
you can call me a grass,

you can call me what you want.

At the end of the day, you two
know

Jess and Carol are like family
to me, if--

- Oh are they?

- Look, you two slag off Carol
and Jess

and be bitches all you want,
but at the end of the day

say it to their faces
you know what I mean?

I'm their family, so I'm gonna
tell them.

- Oh, you're family?
- No, you ain't.

Listen, I didn't say to them,

"Oh Cara and Billi have said
this, blah,"

I said to them, "Look Cara"--

- Uh, yeah you did.

Yeah you did.

- You talk shit.

I've never been in the same
shop.

I've never been in the,
what are you going on about?

First things first, no, no, no.

- If I repeated every word
that you've said about people,

that you've told me and her,

you would not have one mate
around here.

You're lucky!
- Listen, if I was to bitch

about someone, I'd say it to
their face.

- Me and Cara have stayed your
mates.

You are lucky.

And do you know what, I've
got no interest in being

friends with you no more and
not a lot of people haven't.

I defend you a lot.

- You used to be a
really lovable nice guy.

And now you've changed.

- If I've got something to
say, I'll say it to their face.

And all I got to say to
you is I don't like ya,

so go away, we won't be mates
again, so see you later.

- Listen, that's fine--
- Bye!

- Don't talk to me like that.
- See you later.

Go away!
- Why should I go away?

You two laugh it off, but
you two are coming across

like the bitches, not me.

Ta, see you later.

- Ugh, whatever.

- Is he for real?

- He wants to start
talking people's business,

I'll tell people a few
little home truths about him.

- You two.

You're all over each other.

- Just get a room!

- It's just lovely having that
chemistry there with someone,

do you know what I mean?

It's all about the boom boom.

When the passion's good, it's
good.

You can't deny it.

- You seem to have a real
connection.

- And it's been like, everyday

boom boom.

- Good for you.

- Do you know what, I thought it
was

gonna be a little bit awkward.

You know, the thing is, the
only little bit of awkwardness

is that Gemma and that.
- Oh, mate, I know.

- I mean Rami was all like,
boom, boom.

- Shh, mate shut up.

They can hear ya.

But mate, I know, I know, I
know, I know.

It was a bit heavy, weren't it?

- Innit, I'm trying to
eat my beef pie mate

and all I keep thinking
about is her beef curtains.

- Beef curtains, what are you
saying?

- So have you had a good time,
yeah?

- Yeah, I have to be fair.

- Yeah?
- You've done well.

- I have done well.

You look really pretty today.
- Thank you.

- So you gonna come out
on another date with me?

- You have to ask me first.

- I thought I just did.

- Was that you asking me?
- M-hm.

- I will, if you keep up
to this standard, I will.

- All right, so I got
to top this every time.

- You don't have to top it,

just have to keep up this
standard.

- Right, I'll do my best.

Am I allowed a kiss at the end
of this?

- I'm a little bit drunk anyway
so.

You totally broke my rule now.

- Where's all the rest
of the boys tonight?

- Um, Tom's out on a date
with Lauren, innit he?

- Is he?

- Lauren Pope?
- Us three think Lauren Pope

fancy you.

- Nah, I set them up.

They're going out ain't they.

- Aw.
- You all right, baby?

Oh, so cute aren't ya?

- Where's Arg and that?

I'm really like, disgusted
with him actually.

He asked me the other night,
would I take him home um

after we was out and do
something to him,

but don't tell anyone.
- Do something to him?

- He basically asked me to give
him a BJ.

- When?
- What?

[laughing]

- I would not ever cheat on you.

I would not disrespect you in
any way.

I was horrified, right, and
another thing he said to me,

he went, "If you were four stone
lighter,

"you could be my girlfriend."

- What a prick.

- And then he said to
me, "I will kiss you,

"if you lose two stone by
Marbella"--

- But nothing for a blowie?

- What a prick.

[laughing]

- Did he know I'm with you?

- He didn't know that then.

I swear on my life,

I will not do a thing with Arg.

- You got to tell him,
you got to let him know.

- You got to let him know next
time,

well not the next time, but as
soon as

"Oh I'm with Rami now."

- What do you think?

- Don't worry baby, you're my
girl now.

- [Narrator] Next time
on The Only Way is Essex.

Is this a taste of things to
come from Lauren and Tom P?

- Do we have to spit it
out or can we swallow?

- [Narrator] Will all the sex
talk ever make Gemma blush?

- Gemma and Rami, Gemma and
Rami!

- [Narrator] And will things be
all right

between Ricky and Joey?

- All right?
- All right.

- Yeah, I'm all right.

- I'm glad you're all right.
- Yeah.

You all right?
- Yeah, sweet, all right mate.

- That's good.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real

and anything can happen
on The Only Way is Essex.