All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S05E06.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track3_[eng]

a gossip outed and a cat fight
in Vegas.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what
they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is
Essex.

- You're not a slag, you're not
a slut

and you don't sleep around.

- Don't talk about Lydia like
that.

You know that she's not like
that.

- Let me take you out.

- There's my house!

- I think we should
stop seein' each other.

- Okay.

- You asked me for my help.

- Because I wasn't Essex enough.

Because I wasn't swag enough.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- I feel a bit bad that I
didn't get Mick anything

for his birthday.

- Well you can just
pretend you've gone halves

with me 'cause mine was very
expensive.

- Thanks, pops, I owe you one.

- Splashed out!

Do you know that he's totally
living in a caravan right now?

- I know I heard that, I can't
imagine Mick in a caravan.

- I know on his birthday as
well,

it's a bit of a shitter innit.

- [Chloe] I'd hate to live in a
caravan.

Imagine if you woke up

and someone had nicked you.

Like, just like.

- Nicked you?

- Attached you to their car

and like moved your house with
you in it.

- What are you gonna wear
tonight?

- It's Vegas theme isn't it?

Mick's probably just like done
that

'cause he wants all the
girls to get their tits out,

lets face it.

- [Lauren P] Yeah Vegas is
pretty much all about tits.

- [Chloe] Is Tom gonna be there
tonight?

- I guess so.

I haven't spoke to him today

but I'm assumin'.

Get the odd picture now and
then.

- Oh god.

What kind of picture, rude ones?

- It's mainly like him posing

and then asking if he looks
sexy.

- [Chloe] Oh, that's so cringey.

- I know.

- I might be sick in like
Mick's present [retches].

[girls laughing]

- You'll go as Hugh Hefner

and you'll be his playboy bunny.

- Oh God, is he in Vegas?

- Yeah, well, he had like
Playboy Mansion didn't he?

And you could wear that.

- [Joey] Yeah, I should do it.

- That'll be perfect.

- You can hop along next to me.

- What's the plan today then?

What's goin' on?

- I'm goin' to meet Arg quickly

'cause he wants to go watch
shopping.

- Watch?
- He wants

to go watch shopping?

- Yeah, but he's obviously tight

and he ain't gonna buy a nice
watch.

- Don't be so nasty.

- But you goin' [mumbles].

- [Sam] Yeah, I'm goin' there on
10.

- Who ya goin' with?

- Gemma, Lucy, and Billie.

- [Joey] Are ya?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- You can't even pole dance.

- What?

That's the whole point in having
lessons.

I'm not doing it like.

- [Joey] Yeah, but you
don't have the lessons,

you're doin' it to get fit,

why not go down the gym or like.

- Because it's fun.

Do you not think gym's boring.

Why are you gettin' the hump,

are you gettin' jealous?

- I'm not, I'm not gettin'
jealous.

- You definitely are, he
definitely doesn't want me

to do it.

- I'm not.

- It should be like, oh, it'd be
fun,

have fun, babe, blah, blah,
blah.

- Yeah, go have fun, I don't
care.

[people groaning]

- Yeah, I wanted to ask you
something.

I need some, like, I
need some girl advice.

Like from someone like a woman.

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna, I don't
really know what to do

about the whole Lauren Pope
thing

'cause some people are
tellin' me just play it cool

and just don't go and ask her
out

and some people are
saying no, go ask her out.

- If you see her tonight at the
party.

Have a few drinks, go up
to her and ask her out.

- Yeah, I will.

- Guarantee she won't say no.
- Why are you guaranteein' it?

- Especially lookin' like this.

What?
- Why are you guaranteein' it?

- 'Cause you'll be Elvis,
everyone'll have a drink.

- So if she does say no,

then you gotta find me another
date.

- Okay.
- Deal?

- Deal.

[all laughing]

[upbeat music]

- So how you feelin' now Joan?

You look better in yourself.

- Yeah but it was unbelievable.

I had severe pancreatitis,

and also I had my gall bladder
removed.

- It was bad Mum, you nearly did
die.

- It was bad, like I thought
it was totally my moment

because I was seeing dead
people.

- Joan no.

- Yeah. Well the first thing
I see a gorilla first of all.

- Oh, Joan.

- Mum I think that was
all the drugs you was on.

- And then after that, I
was just seeing corpse like.

- So she thought it was her
calling,

'cause she was seeing the dead
bodies.

- They was just coming
to me after the other,

but the first one had a fag in
his mouth,

he was dressed up in tartan

and I think he's probably
Scottish.

- Gotta be.

- They've come to like ease me
over

to the other side, you know,

they've come to like take me
sorta thing.

- Yeah 'cause that's what they
do, don't they, the spirits.

- [Joan] Well that's it.

- They come and take ya.

- To be honest though mum,
you're out of hospital now,

you're in your garden, you know,

where you wanna be so.

- I just so missed this garden.

- Did you?

- 'Cause I haven't done it for a
month.

Everything just needs like
lots of love and care.

- Talking about love, I
have met a hot new man.

- Tell me more.

- I was invited out down
The King Will the other week

and I was like, oh I just
don't fancy this one bit.

But I had like this feeling in
my stomach,

it was gonna be a life
changing experience,

and then through the doors
this guy came through

and he came straight up to me.

He's like really nice, he's like

"I don't like skinny girls".

Do you know what I mean?

And basically, I've been out
with 'im every night since.

- It's fate.

- Well, you never know.

- What is he with that voice
then?

- Half Arab.

- What a lovely generation!

I love them.

- [laughs] Generation?

It's a culture!

- Is it not generation?

- They're not a generation,
they're like a race.

- It's a race.

- Oh, but I love 'em!

- Yeah he's sort of half Arab
but Jewish,

but he's lived in Chigwell for
years.

- Gotta say though Gem,

you are looking a million
dollars.

You're amazing, doesn't she
Joan?

- [Joan] Yeah you look a lot
happier.

- Oh thank you.

I am a lot happier, it's
just made me realise

that the Charlie thing was so
wrong.

- These things are sent to try
us,

and do you know what like you
say,

you've kind of moved on now.

- I've definitely moved on, big
time.

[upbeat music]

- Hi ladies!

- [Chloe And Lauren] Hi!

- Happy birthday!

- [Mick] This is a surprise.

- Happy birthday!

- Thank you, thank you.

You alright?

- [Lauren P] Yeah good, you?

- You ain't supposed to knocking

when the caravan's rocking you
know.

- Are you being rude Mick?

- No wishful thinking.

- Birthday sex?

- Is that what you come here
for?

- Surprise!
[girls laughing]

- You alright?

- Yeah good.

Got you a little present,

maybe you can rock around the
caravan.

- Really?

Thanks very much.

- Maybe people won't come
knocking.

- Oh it's an apron.

Beautiful.

- It's a special apron.

- Yeah, it's like a
really manly one isn't it?

- Just like you Mick.
- Like blue and white stripes.

Oh for fucks sake [laughs].

What's that?

- [Lauren P] You can blow 'em up

to whatever cup size you want!

- [Mick] Really?

- [Lauren P] Oh it really suits
you Mick!

- Have you done any
entertaining in your new home?

- What sort of entertaining
are you referring to Chloe?

[Lauren laughing]

- Every time I speak
you act like I'm rude!

I'm just sayin' like, casually?

- No I haven't no, I've only
been here a couple of nights.

- How long gotta be in here for
then?

- About five months, five or six
months.

- Are they expensive?

- Yeah a few quid.

- [Chloe] Did you have
to buy this special?

- Yeah, well the insurance I
think'll pay

for it eventually, but
it's 36 grand it was.

[LP gasps]

So I haven't really had a
chance.

- But wouldn't it be funny if

like you met a new bird and
like you brought her back here

and like she drove in the
entrance of the manor,

and then like you rolled in,

and then you're like come on
then,

do you want a cup of tea
sweetheart?

[all laughing]

- I'm actually nervous about
this?

- Mate, this is a good thing.

Like, obviously I've never
had a chest wax before

'cause I'm not hairy at all.

Like I was blessed.

- Touch it.

- I don't wanna touch it.

- [Little Chris] Touch it.

- I really don't wanna touch it.

- Touch it before it gets
removed.

- No, I'm good.

Seriously, I'm really
good, seriously, I'm fine.

- Mate, I can actually feel the
heat off

that machine where that wax is.

- [Mario] Ah, stop being such a
wimp.

- A wimp?

You're not just about to
have your chest waxed.

- [Esthetician] Okay, so are you
ready?

- As ready as I'll ever be.

- [Esthetician] If you
can just lay down for me.

- Yeah, okay.

- I just need you to tuck
this towel in your trousers

just to protect your clothes.

- Okay.

- [Esthetician] You can
just tuck that in for me.

- Feel free to put a hand in if
you need.

[Mario snorts]

- I apologise for him.

- [Little Chris] What
part's gonna hurt the most

because I obviously, I just
wanna be fully aware of

what's happening.

- [Esthetician] Probably
just like the flabbier areas.

- So the whole thing.

- The whole thing's gonna kill
him them.

- Maz, Maz, hold my hand.

- I'm not holdin' your hand.

Fuck off, you're such a wimp.

- Oh my fucking God!
- As if that hurt.

- Fuck!

- [Mario] As if that hurt.

- [mumbles] well, let's
do one strip at a time.

- It is one strip at a time.

[Little Chris groans]

- [Little Chris] God.

- I've gotta go to Mick's party
tonight

and it's the first time
I'm gonna bump into

like Arg and Diags and that
since everything has happened.

Like, Arg I've sort of sorted
thing out.

I haven't got a problem with
Arg.

I don't really care about seein'
Arg.

Diags, I don't give a shit.

He's one of the ugliest
people in this country

and he's takin' the piss outta
me.

My nose.

I'd sooner have my nose than
have anything

that he's got, any feature.

[Little Chris groans]

- Oh God.

- You look well.

- Yeah?

If you saw this coming towards
you,

what would you say?

- Fuck, run!
[Esthetician groans]

- Uh?

- Yeah.

- [Little Chris] Cheers.

- I think she's going to
go a little bit lower.

- It runs out.

- Why does it run out?

- Do you not keep it all clean
down there?

- You shaved your pubes?
- Yeah.

- You've shaved your pubes.

- This is a sensitive subject,

just put earmuffs on [mumbles].

- You've shaved your pubes?

I trim my pubes, I don't
shave them off completely.

- [Little Chris] Yeah but.

- Now you've taken the form
of like a five year old boy.

An overweight five year old

but why have you done that?

- Just like the look.

Oh my god.

- I can't believe when
we got to the airport,

her luggage, 12 kg overweight.

- Kg?

- Is that what it's called?

- No, it's called kilogrammes?

- [Billi] Yeah, but that's short
for it.

- Kg.

- Do you know how much you're
allowed?

You're allowed like 30 and you
was like.

- No, actually you're allowed
20.

- 15.
- And I had.

- Oh, 20?
- You was 12 over.

- Yeah, I had 32.

- We only went for five days.

- Yeah, well, I had a lot of.

I have big clothes.

[Billi laughs]

- Oh, I so enjoyed it.

I can't wait to go on holiday
again.

- Summer.

It's gonna be so much better in
the summer

when it starts gettin' hotter,

everyone's like single.

Girls hittin' the beach.

- Single.
- Ah, single,

tell me about it.

- I know.

A lot of people are
single now, aren't they?

- Yeah, I know.

Everyone is, everyone's single
for the summer, isn't they?

- Yeah.
- I know.

- Well, that's how us girls are.

- Yeah.

- Obvs, obvs.
- Obvs?

- Oh my God, how fit is Tom
Pierce?

- He is rather lovely
and I was a bit like.

- He has got the nicest
eyes I've ever seen.

- [Frankie] He has, hasn't he?

- Oh, you sound like you got
the hots for him and all.

- Billi.

- You might as well go on a date
with him,

been out on a date with Joey.

- Yeah, go on.

- Mick.
- Yeah.

- Ricky.

- Ricky.

Aw what is going on with Ricky?

- What, Ricky and Jess?

- Yeah.

- Well I haven't got a clue.

All I know is Jess has got
another fella.

And she's still seeing.
- Has she?

- [Billi] What do you mean has
she?

- Apparently yeah.

- To tell you the truth,
with Jessica and stuff,

I've just, I dunno what's
gone on between us lot,

there's loads of little
things that have gone on.

- That whole thing that
started with Jess was

because of me really, weren't
it?

She basically at the Sex and
the City party, that long ago.

- Yeah.

- Saying that me and a
few of the other girls

at the bar with Ricky are
desperate.

Then the next minute she's
sayin' oh,

Ricky's texting me blah
blah blah blah blah.

And then the next minute she's
standing,

she's like snogging his face
off.

- If anyone's desperate it's
her, like you know, doing that.

- Course.

- But do you know what Frank?

To top it all off, after
the marathon party,

everybody's there, everybody
was like well done girls,

everyone was so pleased.

- Every single person that
was at that party come over

and congratulated us
except for Jess and Carol.

- Why?

- Basically that just shows

that there is a problem
with Jess and with Carol.

- There is a big problem.

I just feel like Jessica
just irritates the life out

of me now.

- Do you know what, even looking

at her face is irritating me
now.

No it honestly is getting to
that point

where her face is irritating me.

- Every time we're out
it's always dirty looks

being thrown here, there,
everywhere.

- [Cara] Every single time that
I see her.

- You feel the atmosphere.

- Yeah course I do.

- So she obviously
knows there's atmosphere

'cause she's the one who creates
it.

- Exactly.

- But I'm not just gonna
let her stand there

and keep giving me dirty
looks, do you know what I mean?

I wouldn't go out my
way to pull her in it,

but if she comes over and
wants a row, then bring it on.

That's all I'm sayin'.

[upbeat music]

- [All] No way!

- [Lucy] Are you kidding me?

- We like the fireman!

I would rather pay someone to
dance

for my man than have to go
through this.

This is ridiculous.

- Okay take yourselves a break
now,

there's water there and I'll
see you in a while okay.

- Thank you!

- [Instructor] You're welcome.

- [Sam] I'm like, really out of
breath.

- That was exhausting, my
arms are freaking killing me.

- Oh me too.

- Look at my wrists.

- I think yous three are like
feathers

and I'm like the big goose
goin' round the pole.

- [All] No.

- Do you know what, I
think you look really sexy.

Do you know what I think you've
got

that I 'aven't, you've
got like the confidence

to be all sexy, I can't do that.

- Also you're really, what do
you call it, elastic, supple.

- Supple yeah.

- Flexible!

- Flexible, yeah!

- I think we should keep all
this up

for our Marbella bodies.

- [Sam] You could do this for
Mario.

- [All] Yeah.

- Shut up!

- Would he like it?

- I think he'd rather me doing

like a spinning class or ballet.

- Ballet?

- But like, he likes me being
you know like, princess.

- Stripper princess.

- No I think he'd just like to
think,

like, a girl should be
the way a girl should be.

- Every bloke goes lap dancing
clubs,

I don't care what you
say, they secretly go.

When they tell you, "I'm late at
work",

but they're not,

they're at a lap dancing club.

Honestly, I've just met someone
new.

- Who?

- He's really lovely.

I know Mario's good looking,

Joey's good looking, your
boyfriend's good looking.

He us undoubtedly the
best looking man in Essex.

I would give you all a run for
your money,

I've cleaned up girls.

- [All] I've cleaned up!

- I have cleaned up.

- [Billie] Gemma's gone
to town with this one.

- Wait till you see 'im.

How you getting' on with Joey?

- Yeah good.

I stayed at his last night,

- And?

- Things are goin' nicely

but I'm kind of enjoyin' being
single.

I don't wanna label it as
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Do you know what I mean?

- Okay, girls, back to your
poles.

Let's go back to [mumbles].

- Round two.

- In your day, did you know
about,

you know, the tanning, we have
spray tans

and fake nails.

- No, if we wanted to do
anything,

we used to mix up this though

and mix it on legs as if
they were stark tights.

- You are joking me.

- We did!
- Are you actually

joking me?
- We did.

Only thing was, if you
went out in the rain,

it'd all run.

- That's what I mean.

You could recycle it the next
day

and use it for gravy.

- What did you get after all?

- Well I got some dressed for
going out

but I also got my outfit for
tonight.

- All right, good.

- So, I'm gonna be a bride
on her hen do in Vegas

'cause you know how in Vegas,

everyone goes there in like big
hen dos?

- Yeah, yeah.

- And the bride has to
dress up in like a sort

of sexy weddin' dress

so I've got this little tutu-y
number.

I've got something else that you
probably

wouldn't approve of nan
but you know on hen dos,

they've always got to
have something naughty?

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah, definitely.

- I've found these straws.

- Oh stop it, Jess.

Oh you are naughty, shut, oh my
God.

- Are you telling me
you wouldn't be puttin'

that in your shandy tonight?

- No I won't!

[Jess laughs]

Can that come off?

- Pick it up, we can't be losing
that.

[upbeat music]

- Flash, that's flash.

- I run the marathon and I said
to myself,

I'm gonna treat myself.

- To a watch.
- To a brand new watch

and go a little bit more
expensive.

- [Joey] What colour do you
want?

- I don't care about the
colours.

I'm more worried about the
price.

- [Joey] Gold's the obviously,
rose gold is more expensive.

- [Arg] Yeah.

- Don't have a clue what that
means.

- You've actually got a
good knowledge on something.

- I haven't.

- I've found something you're
good at.

- I don't know if I'm well
clever here.

Well good.

The only reason I get watches

is 'cause you don't lose money
on it.

If you get a car.

- Tell me the truth, how much
is your watch collection?

- About 75 grand.

- Fuckin' hell.

What watch has Mario got?

- It was that, but [mumbles] I
think.

It was, that's what it was.

- So Mario's got that watch but
a fake.

- I don't know if it's
definitely fake.

Could be real, couldn't it.

But I don't know I heard it was
fake

and he told me, he told
a few people it was real.

- I'm not sayin' he lies

but just sometimes you just
see treacles of bullshit

comin' out of his mouth.

- I've seen it, I've seen it.

- Have you seen it?

- [Joey] Yeah!

- All I'm sayin' is, if I buy
this watch,

the real version.
- The real version.

- That is basically.

- But then again.
- That is literally

topping the topper.
- Yeah, yeah,

that's proper topping

but remember, like, at the end
of the day,

you could put like a Casio 50
pound watch

and it'll still top him so.

- Let's forget about Mario, you
know,

I'm sick of talking about him.

- Listen, right.

- What I wanna know is now,

what is goin' on with you and
Samantha?

- She slept round my house last
night.

Nothing's goin' on, we're
just sort of seeing each other

and that's about it.

- When you say slept round your
house,

have you been sleeping together?

- No, no, no, no, just,
just sleep in the bed

with each other.

- But not actually?

- No, not sleeping.
- Crash, bang, wallop.

- No, none of that boom boom,
no.

- Jimmy!

- [Jimmy] Hey there Arg.

- Good to see you mate.
- Yeah, how's it goin'?

- If I spend 14 grand on a
watch.

- [Jimmy] Yep, go on.

- Will you let me.
- Borrow it?

- Have a little trial night.

- You can try it out tonight

and you can let me know
tomorrow, no problem.

- [Arg] Good man.

- Knew you weren't gonna buy it.

- I am gonna buy it.

I'm just not buyin' it today.

[upbeat music]

- Why on earth, have you come as
a dice?

- I thought it was funny.

- You look like you should
be hanging from a car mate.

- I've got a chat up line for
later.

- Stroke my furry dice?

- That one's better than mine!

I was gonna say pick a
number between one and four,

and they'll go two and
I'll go you've won a prize.

A dance with me!

- Chris, I'm not being funny
mate,

in that outfit I don't think
she's even gonna listen

to what you say.

- She's not even gonna pick a
number.

- I am regretting it a little
bit,

just due to the fact that
every time I go for my pint,

it's like drinking from the
furry cup.

- [Ricky] Which you've never
done before.

- I've done it on a few times.

- Like on the real, how many
birds have you been with?

- I've gone into three figures.

- You?

- The same.

- Nowhere near.

- What?

- [Little Chris] Nowhere near.

- I'd say, I'd say roughly about
25.

- [Mario] That's not bad.

- Quarter of a century ain't too
bad.

So that's it.

- I've done over 10.

- You haven't done 10.

I've known since we were like
10.

You have not done 10.

- I've done more than 10.

- Charlie?

- Enough.

- [Mario] Enough?

- [Ricky] Yeah, happy with your
amount?

- Yeah, mate, the thing is
I've done all this shit.

Literally, everything
a boy can do I've done.

- Rick, can you pass me my
drink?

- Seriously?

- You've done it, you've been
there,

you've got the tee-shirt.

- Yeah, mate, I've done all
this.

I've done everything so
there's nothing really more

I could do so.

[upbeat music]

- Arg mate, loving the suit

but who are you supposed to be
today?

- Robert Di Nero - "Casino".

- You've always wanted to
be a gangster ain't ya?

- That's actually a line
from "Goodfellas" you mug.

- Is it?

I've never seen the film.

- It's Casino you div.

- Shut up mate, you look like
an overweight Robert Di Nero.

- What?

I am an overweight Robert Di
Nero.

At least I look a little bit
like him!

- What do you think of the
Elvis costume then boys?

- [Arg] I think you
look a bit sexy tonight.

- Do you reckon?

- I reckon I could see Lauren
P unzipping that costume

and giving it a whack.

- That's the plan.

[men laughing]

Givin' it a what?

I can't see a fuckin' thing in
these glasses, though, mate.

They're literally so dark.

I won't even be able to see her
tonight.

- Your eyes are shit.

- [Tom P] I'll take them off.

- I've gotta give it to you,

you are a good looking fucker,
isn't why?

- What, better than Diags?

- Come off, I've got a
[mumbles].

- Diags, have you had a sunbed?

- A little bit.

- You've actually had a sunbed?

- He's had one sunbed, he's only
about 18.

- And I think.
- One or two.

- I actually think you
showered, lemme check.

Decent, Diags, decent.

- [Tom P] So who you
gonna be pulling tonight?

- No one in this.

- You're not an ugly kid.

You've gotta stop telling
yourself that.

- I never tell myself, you tell
me that.

- You keep tellin' that.
- No, I'm,

I can't call Diags ugly,
he's near on par with me.

But.
- This is nearly

on par with me?

- You're not an ugly kid,
you're just unfortunate looking.

[men laughing]

[upbeat music]

- I didn't get the memo about
fancy dress,

I just thought it was
like, come like a bit glam.

- [Georgina] Yeah but you look
glam.

- I thought if needs be I'll
just say I'm like Paris Hilton.

- Could be like Paris Hilton.

- She loves a bit of Vegas.

- [Georgina] Yeah.

- Or Britney?

Any blonde.

- You could be any blonde.

- I can't actually concentrate
on what you're saying

because all I can see
out the corner of my eye

is Little Chris dressed as a
dice.

- Wait.

Oh my god and he's
dancing in a dice costume!

- He's just one of those guys
isn't he?

Like bless him, everything
he does is cringey.

- I would've said that's your
type.

- [Lauren P] You joking me?

- Yeah!
[girls laughing]

- [Lauren P] You don't know me
at all!

Hi Tom.

- [Tom P] Hi girls, you alright?

- I'm just gonna go over here,

I feel a bit like out of place.

- Why?
- Just do.

Does anyone want a drink?

- I'll have one please yeah.

I keep bumping into you
at these parties don't I?

- [Lauren P] I know.

- But, I wanna take you
out just me and you.

What do you reckon?

- To where?

- Do you like wine?

- I love wine.

- I don't really like wine,

but we can go wine tasting if
you like.

- What?

- Wine tasting, in a vin.

- That's so random,

that's like something
you would come up with.

- I know, I've never
been wine tasting before.

- You don't like wine so
you're not gonna like it.

- I might do, I've never
tasted it properly.

- You've never tasted wine?

- You've just gotta take it in
don't ya,

have a little sip around your
mouth

and spit it back out.
- You know you spit

it back out.

- You can swallow it if you like
can't ya?

- Tom what you talking about?

We still talking about wine
tasting here?

- Yeah course.

- [laughs] okay.

- [Tom P] Yeah?

- Mhm.

- Okay, sounds like a plan.

- Yep.

- Cool.
- Deal.

- Alright baby.

- Stop it!

- Sorry, always awkward.

- Saved by the dice!

- That's a cool outfit.

[upbeat music]

- What would you spend
your winnings on Pat?

- Well, I had a little bit of an
accident,

didn't I the other day.

- What happened?

- I broke my tooth.

- How?

- I was eating a bit of crusty
bread and I was enjoying it

and then all of a sudden went
like that

and I thought [gasps]!

So I just jumped up
quick, run at the toilet.

- 13 black, 13 black.

- [Gem] Pat you ain't getting
a new tooth at the moment.

- I had 12.

Where's Charlie then tonight?

- I ain't seen 'im tonight yet
Pat.

- [Nanny Pat] You haven't?

- No.

I'm not really bothered though,

'cause we're not together now.

- Well what was the matter with
you then?

Didn't work out?

- There wasn't any sexual
chemistry there Pat,

he didn't ever put it on me.

- Nothing whatsoever?

- In eight weeks he never
even tried to [grunts].

- No!

Something must be wrong with 'im
then.

He must be a bit.

He's either that or he's
round the other way innit.

- Do you think Pat?

- [Nanny Pat] Definitely yeah.

- Can you pass me my drink?

- Deary me.

- So what did you need to
have a word about mate?

Are you alright?

- Nah I'm good man, honestly
I'm fine, it's just like

for the first time in a long
time I'm like one of the boys.

It's actually a really nice
feeling

and I wanna thank you for that.

- that's alright mate,
don't worry about it,

you know, that's what
pals are for you know.

- And, the thing is though,
how do I word it like?

You know we were talking about
girls

and how many birds we've slept
with

and you know, what you get up to

and all that sorta stuff like.

I wanna be like one of
the boys, I really do

but at the same time I
feel like I can't partake

in this conversation because
I don't feel comfortable

with it and I don't
really know how to respond

and react to it.

- You're quite like a
gentleman in your own right,

do you know what I mean?

Every way you act you're
not like, you know,

you're not that person that
would say something like that.

- To be fair, I've got
a bit of like a secret

and I ain't told anyone.

- Okay.

- And, I wanna tell you.

Basically, right I've
only actually ever slept

with two girls in my life.

- Okay.

- And it's been a long
time, like long time,

since I was last intimate with a
girl.

I'm talking years man,
I'm 26 and it's been years

since I've done anything really.

- Mate you shouldn't be
embarrassed about yourself.

- See I am embarrassed.

- You shouldn't be embarrassed
about yourself mate.

I always get really worried mate

when I like strip down to like
naked.

And then I think to myself
do I take off my socks

or just leave the socks
on and just roll with it.

So, do you know what I mean?

It sounds stupid but women
analyse stuff like this.

- I feel like a virgin
again, if I'm honest.

That is what I feel like.

- Mate to be fair, every time I,

like, start rooting a bird
I feel under the cosh.

So what I do is, I clean the
hosepipe before I go out.

- Oh what like whack one out
before.

- Yeah just straight out and
then I know I'm good to go.

Do you know what I mean?

- It makes sense, it makes
sense.

- If you're having a bird over.

- I don't wanna be a one minute
man.

- [Little Charlie] You don't
wanna be a one minute man.

- I don't wanna be that.

- [Little Charlie] That's
the last thing you wanna be.

- And I know that's what's gonna
happen

'cause I've only had my
right hand to contend with.

- Yeah but just make
sure you start with oral

because then if you
just do it in her mouth

then you know that's like
a tumble dryer anyway

at that point when it's all
happening.

- Yeah, but I go red
man thinking about it.

- Yeah but 'cause you
haven't had it in so long

and and like literally
sometimes I'm like that,

and somehow I'm like
whoah hello, she's going,

and like she's done it, I've
already gone

and it's back up again.

You'll be like a rock mate.

All I'd say to you is
like over the next couple

of months mate we're
gonna have so much fun,

do you know what I mean?

Just don't let that affect your
game mate.

You can always talk to
me because I'm 'ere,

I'm one of your mates now,

and I promise you it's all
genuine, do you know what I
mean?

- [Charlie] No I see that, I see
that.

- Let's go 'ave a good
night, give us a hug come on.

[upbeat music]

- I think Arg is a bit pissed
off with me.

- Why what you done now?

- Well you know his glasses?

His £650 pair glasses?

- [Cara] His sunglasses?

- [Frankie] His like pride and
joys?

- I fully sat on 'em
and broke 'em [laughs].

They're literally bent out
so can't go on his face,

puts 'em on and they just flop
off.

- [Arg] I don't fucking believe
it.

- What?

- I put my glasses down for two
seconds

and fucking guess who fucking
sat on 'em?

Ricky fucking Raymond.

I'm gonna go and straighten 'em.

- [Billi] He's fuming!

- Over a pair of glasses are you
sure?

He actually thinks he's
bloody, what's he meant to be?

Danny De Vito?

- Yeah Danny De Vito.

Little man syndrome, aw don't.

- Ricky's over there
talking to Billi and Cara,

considering the fuss the
kicked up about me going

on a date or not even a
date sorry, talking to him

in the bar and kissing 'im.

It's quite nice they can
be civil with him isn't it.

- Well exactly it's always
the way though isn't it,

it's like lets treat
Jess like a bit of shit.

What is that all about?

- I don't know, all I know is

they've been apparently slagging
me off,

calling me desperate, calling me

that I would go with anyone,

and apparently that

they've been slagging off my mum
as well.

That's just below the belt.

- What is exactly have they
said about your mum though?

This is just like, too much.

- Just calling her like
names and sayin' that,

I'm not gonna go into detail

but all I know is it wasn't nice
things.

At the end of the day,
who are they to talk?

- [Billie] This is so bang out
of order.

- Who are they to talk?

- I'm not being funny but like,

say what they want about you

but as soon as they say
anything about your family,

that's well below the belt.

- What's annoying me though
is they're going around

with this sort of sordid
attitude

like there's a problem here,
there's a problem there,

it's like, there's no problem.

If you've got a problem,
tell me what the problem is.

'Cause I haven't got a problem!

- Yeah don't keep all this like,

what is it like aminosity or?

- Amnosity.

Animosity, that's it.

- Yeah, whatever like girls are
girls,

if they wanna bitch let
them get on with it.

But do not bring your mum
into it, it's just weird.

- I just think boyfriends are
for winter.

- Definitely.
- Yeah cuddles.

- When it's cold and Christmas.

- What do you think?

- I dunno I'm sorta like
an all seasons kinda guy.

- Really?

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- Talk about romance, what's
goin on with you and Jess?

- It's going slow but,
I'm not used to slow.

- So slow it seems to be going
backwards!

- Listen!

It's a slow relationship,

I'm more used to quite
a whirlwind sort of.

- So it's a relationship?

- It is and it isn't.

- I don't really get it
she's got a boyfriend.

- I don't really like, go
out with any other people.

- She does.

- Why you digging me
out so much over Jess?

- [Cara] We're not digging you
out.

- We're trying to give you,
what's it called again?

- [Billi And Cara] Advice.

- [Billie] Wish I could
hear what they were saying.

- I know Ricky and when he gets
annoyed,

he gets really defensive

and he seems like he's
getting really defensive.

I don't know what about though.

- Probably 'cause they're
saying something bitchy again

and he's probably just
sticking up for you.

- I'm getting to the point now,

I'm just gonna go up to them and
be like

what is the problem?

Seriously what is the problem?

- Well the thing is like to
get this all off your chest,

I would say, just say it.

- To be honest, if they hadn't
said anything about my mum,

I wouldn't go up and say
anything.

It's the sheer fact they
have I wanna go up there

and be like do you know
what, it's gotta stop,

it's pathetic.

Grow up, what's your
problem, what's the issue?

- I just think it's really like.

- [Jess] Childish.

- [Billi] Just nasty more than
anything.

- To be fair she probably got
the hump

that you're standing here
and we're not helping things.

- Yeah probably are, maybe
I should go get a drink.

Go on I'll speak to you soon!

- See you in a little bit.
- Alright girls.

- I can't believe of all the.
- No, don't say it,

you're [mumbles].

- But to fair, you do look good,
mate.

- You too, mate.
- I just look better

'cause I look like more like
Robert Di Nero than you do.

[upbeat music]

Cheers Micky, free drink
all night, son [laughs].

What happened to you, like,

have you been punched in the
eye?

- No mate, it burns your throat.

[upbeat music]

- Hello you alright?

- Yeah I wanted to come
over and say something

'cause there's clearly
some sort of atmosphere.

- Atmosphere, yeah.

- Well why is there at
atmosphere?

- Well you tell me.

You come to our marathon party

and you walked in and you didn't
even say,

oh you alright girls?

Well done for today.

- I didn't know.

- What you didn't know
we run the marathon?

- Me and my mum both
congratulated you.

- [Cara] Both didn't come over.

- And actually I'm quite
surprised we did considering

when you've both sat

and slagged me off behind my
back calling me desperate.

- You're having a laugh!

We called you desperate?

- You did call them
desperate babe, you did.

- No offence Frank, but this
is nothing to do with you.

And you stood in your salon

the other week slagging me
off and slagging my mum off,

and two of my very good
friends heard that.

- Did I?

What'd I say then?

Who's your very good friends?

'Cause where are they then?

What did they say?

- I'll tell you

what they said.
- Go on then.

- No I'm not telling you what
they said, it's irrelevant.

- Oh it's all shit then Jess.

- No I'm not talking shit!
- Talkin' shit.

What'd I say then?

- I don't wanna repeat what you
said.

- What did I say?

- It's disgusting

what you said, disgusting.
- What did I say?

What did I say?

- Well it's about me and my mum.

- Well, what then?

Come on then.

Coming over here mouth almighty.

What the fuck did I say?

- What have I ever done to you?

- Oh this is a bit like
what happened with Lauren,

oh what have I ever done to you?

Oh what have I ever done

to you?
- Don't get involved

with Lauren 'cause you fuckin
didn't

like her three weeks ago

so don't even go there.
- Well listen, I like her now

and I don't like you.

- [Jess] Good, 'cause I don't
need you.

- So fuck off!

- Pathetic.

- Two people have told
Jess, who are good friends

with Jess about what you
said about Jess' mum.

- Right who's your good friends?

- Gemma and Argent.

They heard you say it.

- You're saying I slagged you
off

and told this person that
person,

I'm saying to you what have I
said,

when have I said it,
go and get Arg and Jess

[girls shouting]

- I've told you what they said.

They've heard you slagging me
off.

- [Billi] Well go and
get Arg and Gemma then

and come back and we'll see what
I said.

- What difference if they come
over

and tell you what they said?

What difference?

- 'Cause you ain't got the
bottle to say you said this,

you said that.
- The fact is you did say it.

- Just leave it.
- Just leave it.

- Slag me off all you want

'cause I couldn't give a
shit you're not my mates

but don't slag my family off.

- [Billi] Good go away then,
alright.

- Have some respect!

- Shut up, enjoy your hen
whoever your fella is, bye!

- [Jess] At least I've got one!

- Shut up you balding prick!

- To be fair it's been
a good night, ain't it,

you know Mick's pulled it out
again, free booze all night.

- [Joey] Nah I know free booze.

- Nice girls.

- It's all kicked off.

- What?
- Because of you.

- What are you talking about?

- Right, it's all kicked
off with the girls

because yet again you've
gossiped like a girl.

- Oh Gemma shut up what
are you talkin' about?

- Right, Billi and Cara, Jess
and Carol.

- Don't get me involved in this.

- Don't get you involved,
the fuckin' row's over you.

- No it ain't Gemma!

- Right.

- I don't like, everyone
always calls me a gossip

and a bitch, I don't wanna be.

- 'Cause you are, you're a
gossip bitch.

- [Joey] What's been
said, what's been said?

What's been said?

- I went in to Bows and
Belles to get my nails done.

- [Arg] And I was in there as
well.

- You was in there having a sun
bed.

Then you pop up and say.

- No Gemma don't.

- I overheard them saying

that Carol is mutton dressed as
lamb.

- No no no!

- Did you say it?

- Yes you did!

- [Arg] No, listen to me.

- And you're just backing down

because you said oh Cara
and Billi will beat me up

if this comes out, I
won't get free sun beds.

- [Joey] Tell me the truth.

- No wait, I was having a sun
bed minding my own business,

I didn't talk about anyone
or anyone else's business.

You come in to the sun bed shop

and then Billi and Cara said
Carol

is mutton dressed as lamb, and
I didn't know what it meant.

- I did not say to Jess or Carol

about the mutton dressed up as
lamb.

'Cause on my mother's
life, I didn't hear that.

- Listen, you don't understand
what it's like for me.

- Did you or did you not
overhear

them saying Carol was
mutton dressed as lamb?

- I'm not saying I told Jess,

but yes Cara and Billi said
Carol is mutton dressed as lamb

and they did say about Jess
being bald.

- Fine, you're telling the
truth!

- But, I don't wanna get
involved in it Gemma.

- I've had a stressful,
I've had a stressful.

- What you're trying to say is.

- Oh here you go again, I
broke up with Lydia and I.

- I'm not talking about Lydia!

My sunglasses have been
sat on by Ricky Raymond,

I've broken a 14 grand watch
that I've had for one day,

I've had a tough day as it is.

I just don't wanna get involved.

- But you got yourself involved

by sayin' all running telling
tales.

- That's why I'm asking
you, can't you just,

you say you said it.

- Arg shut up!
- No!

This is what I'm sayin'.

This is what he wanted me to do.

- Oh let's just drop it now.

I'll tell the truth if anyone
asks me.

- [Gemma] Tell the
truth, always be honest.

- Fuck sake, I'm not getting
me eyebrows done tomorrow

then am I?

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time,
on The Only Way Is Essex.

Is this the last throw of
the dice for Little Chris?

- Have you shaved your pubes?

Why have you done that?

- I just like the look.

- [Narrator] Will Arg
get his priorities right?

- The fuckin' row's over you.

- Not gettin' me eyebrows
done tomorrow, then, am I?

- Hi ladies.

- [Narrator] And remember,

if Mick's caravan's rocking,
don't you come knocking.

- [Chloe] Birthday sex.

- Is that what you come here
for?

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real,

and anything can happen.