All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S04E06.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track3_[eng]

a nice fish supper

and the world's least
flattering dressing gown.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real

although some of what they
do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is
Essex.

- My balls!

- It's almost like they're
bullying you

into thinking that you're
bigger than what you are.

- Please let me take you on
a first date for Valentines.

- Does he always do this, bring
you stuff?

- I do not want her with other
boys

getting in her bikini.

- You've been held back,
I think it's about time

you sort of let yourself
go and had a bit of fun.

[mystical techno music]

[intense rock music]

- This house is an
absolute state, it's gross.

Ah, look at that, what is that?

Sick!

What is that?

- Don't show me that, it's
disgusting.

I feel really fragile.

- Maybe someone couldn't
make it to the toilet

and decided to just use a wine
glass.

- Uh, you know when you get
that awful taste in your mouth,

I thought I was gonna be sick
then.

- Aw, I had a really good time,

it was like Ocean Club Marbella,
but in my house, wasn't it?

- Yeah, no, it was good.

- Ricky and Lydia were
in the hot tub together

havin' like a little flirt but.

- [Billie] Really?

- I thought they was family
friends,

I wasn't sure if they were
actually, I don't know.

- You never know.

- But I think it's good to
see Lydia enjoying herself

like after everythin'.

- Yeah, definitely.

- I wonder if Lydia fancies him.

I don't know.

He's like the complete
opposite to Arg, isn't he?

- She deserves to have
a bit of fun though.

I don't see her moving on really
quickly,

but I think she does need to
have fun.

- Oh yeah, definitely.

Sometimes you need a
boy to get over a boy,

like you need a bit of a
rebound.

- Rebound!

- Maybe like that's what she
needs.

- Yeah, exactly.

[exciting hip hop music]

- [Cara] Aw, he looks wealthy.

Oh my God.

- [Billi] What's he got on his
neck?

- [Cara] He's got a bracelet
on, he's got his bling on.

- I'm really excited about
the party that we've planned.

Sex in the City!

- [Cara] But Essex style.

- Everybody's single.

It's Valentine's day.

Loads of hot boys.

I've invited everyone so it
should be a right good night.

- I reckon everyone'll turn up
as well.

Except for Mario and Lucy,
they're probably the only two

that are going to be going on a
date.

I've invited Ricky.

- Oo Ricky!

You invited Ricky, you
like Ricky, don't ya?

- Yeah, I think Ricky's quite
nice yeah.

- Maybe Ricky maybe be your
Valentine?

- Oh, love!

- [Billi] I reckon
everyone's coming though.

- That gives everyone a chance
to mingle.

- Single, I'm ready to mingle!

Mr. Bigs for the night.

- [Cara] Oh you look gorgeous,
Ralph,

you are definitely the one
that's best.

[exciting synth music]

- Oh God this is huge, Lydia.

- There's things that need to be
adjusted,

for example, the whatever
that's called: Astroturf.

- No, it's not Astroturf.

- Oh artex.

- Astroturf is on when
you play football Lydia,

this is artex.
- Oh, artex.

- It feels like there's
somebody actually has died here.

- You're just trying to scare
me,

cause you don't want me to live
here.

I'm only two minutes down the
road.

- I know, but it's not
the same, not waking.

- Yeah, but I'm not gonna eat
dinner here

cause I can't cook anyway,

so I'll eat dinner at home
and then come to my house.

- I'm gonna miss you, Lydia.

- I know, but I just feel this
is the next step of my life

and this is what just happens
naturally.

I'm 21 now and I've gotta become
a woman.

- I have to let go.

- The genetics are telling
me that I've gotta move on.

- I have to let you go, don't I?

- You do.

- It's gonna be hard, Lydia.

- It's gonna be hard mom,
but we'll still be together

in spirit every moment of the
day.

And you're just around the
corner.

- Can I have a key?

- Okay, I think you pushed your
luck.

[both laugh]

- Well, Lydia was in the
hot tub, weren't she,

with that Ricky.

- I heard that.

- I don't really know about him.

- I didn't really speak to him.

- He bought Sam a bottle of
Crystal

and drunk it all to himself.

- Shut up.
- No, he didn't!

- Yeah, how embarrassin'.

Aw I dunno, I think he's a bit
flash.

- I have heard that about him.

- Really?

- So who do you think would
be like the Mr. Bigs in Essex?

- Don't know.

- Mick?

- No.

- That's as close as you get.

All the rest are boys.

- Do you reckon Arg
would ever be a Mr. Big?

- I think your joking, he's
big but he's no Mr. Big.

- He ain't got the swagger.

- No he hasn't.

- He has not got the swagger.

No ones really got swag around
here.

- No swagger and no game.

Joey's got a little bit of
swagger.

No one can change him.

- Yeah, but he falls for girls
too easily.

- That's true, he does do
that, but he's only 21,

once he has his heart completely
broken

he'll turn into an asshole
like the rest of them.

- It's true.

[upbeat synth music]

- I have been such a
twat it is unbelievable.

So tonight I want the
place to look amazing.

My theme is white.

- White?

- Yeah.

I've hired out a whole
restaurant.

- Bloody 'ell, that's well
exclusive.

- I bought like 3,000 candles,

I've got 30 bags of rose petals,

I hired a pianist, it's
gotta be a big gesture.

- You ain't gonna propose, are
ya?

- No!

- You know it's a leap year?

- Yeah.

- Now women can propose to men.

- Nah, I don't think that'd feel
right.

- Can you imagine Lucy
gettin' down on one knee?

- Yeah, but as long as
she wasn't proposing

I wouldn't really care.

[both laugh]

- I'm staying home Valentine's
Day.

- Again?

- Yeah, gonna get a gourmet meal
for two,

gonna smash that in by myself.

- Mate, you're so sad.

- I wanna go out with women,
mate.

- You're shit with women.

- I want her to do the
same thing my mom would do:

cook, clean, iron.

- So are you looking for
a girlfriend or a mom?

- Half women, half girl: a
gormen.

- If you stick with me, train
with me,

this time next year on
Valentine's Day

you will not be single.

- Hi.

- Hello, darlin'!

- How are you?

- I'm good, you?

You alright?

- You wanted to see me?

- Yeah!

- What's the matter?

- Right, I've got a big favour
to ask you.

- Okay.

- I know that you're a big
fan of Sex in the City.

- Massive fan.

- And you love sushi.

- Yeah.

- Okay, so you know in the film.

[laughs]

- I'm gettin' a little bit
scared

at what you're gonna ask me
here.

- Would you be up for us laying
you out

and placing sushi all over your
body?

- Billi!

Why me?

- So you can help us
recreate a part of the show.

- But like if I'm gonna be doing
that,

what's everyone else gonna be
doing?

Are we all doing like recreating
things?

- Listen, nobody else can
pull that off, only you can,

that's why we've asked you!

- Aw, Bill I'm not really
that confident with my body.

And like how are people gonna
eat it?

I'm gonna have like moisturiser,
fake tan,

probably like a bit of body
shimmer.

That's all gonna get in the
sushi.

- I know, the rice will
probably end up being orange

and glittery.

Be even nicer though,
it'll be like Essex sushi,

we'll bling it up.

- Yeah, you're gonna have to
figure that out, Bill, though.

- I promise we'll cover all your
bits up,

and we'll just make sure that
people eat around your bits.

So like, you know, no
one's gonna eat the bit

off your nun and boobs.

- I fought you was gonna say
something

like can you come as Charlotte,

cause obviously like I
dress like her a little bit.

You do realise I'm a 30 year old
mother.

- Yeah, but you look hot!

You're the hottest 30 year
old mum I've ever seen.

You look amazing!

Will you do it?

- Yeah, I'll do it, why not.

- Thank you!

I love you!

- Listen, I wanna make my own
song.

Like I wanna make a song
about the perfect girl,

cause like I wanna find--

- What's your perfect girl?

- Dunno, maybe like blonde,
probably like nice blonde,

slim, really nice personality
girl.

Do ya what I mean?

Got a bit of banter.

Like nice boobs, do ya know what
I mean?

Not fake, not fake.

- Yeah, not fake?

- Just the perfect nice boobs.

- Not fake at all.

- I want my perfect girl to
look exactly like a Barbie.

Cause everyone says I look like
Ken.

So we'll be like Ken and Barbie.

Barbie and Ken.

- About boobs, her boobs are
real.

- Mate, she'll love that.

- She'd love it, wouldn't she?

- If only you could find one.

- I'm like half single, half
relationship at the moment.

We'll just see after tonight
what I am.

All I've been told is that
I'm gonna be picked up,

so I have absolutely no idea.

- It'll be nice though,
at least he's trying.

- I want it to be a nice meal,

but I don't want anything
too cheesy, like.

- So if it's a first date,

like what exactly are the
rules of a first date?

- I didn't kiss Mario on
our first, first date,

so maybe I should do the same?

Don't kiss him.

- Gonna do the same and keep him
hanging?

- I can't, I'm not going
back to his, no way.

- No.

It's gonna be so hard for you.

- That will be really hard,

especially if it's been
a really good night.

- Yeah, he's gonna be
like a little puppy dog,

like trying to get in behind
you!

[both laugh]

- He ain't comin' in!

[both laugh]

- Arg!

Arg!

Arg answer the door, man.

Eating Jammie Dodgers.

- You alright, Joe?

- What's goin' on?

You alright?

- Yeah, I'm alright mate.

- I ain't seen you and why
you dressed in that as well?

- What?

- What's that?

- Dressing gown.

- It's pink!

- You look like Del Boy!

[both laugh]

- Mate, you just don't,

you just ain't smiling and you
ain't happy recently are you?

What's wrong?

- I know.

I don't wanna be like this,
but I just can't help.

I've tried not to be, but.

- I'm so cold Arg, can I come
in?

- Come in.

- Cheers.

So what's wrong then,
why you so depressed?

You look like you're about to
cry.

- Huh?

- You look like your gonna cry.

- No, I'm not gonna cry anymore.

- What do you mean by
anymore, you been cryin'?

- I don't know, I mean I do
get a bit upset now and then,

don't I?

You know this would have been
our fourth

Valentine's together.

Well I just felt Valentine's
Day the last thing I wanna do

is go out and I'd rather
just lock myself indoors.

- What you talkin' about?

- I'd rather just lock myself
indoors

and let Valentine's Day be over.

You know it might be better.

- Valentine's Day is a
day mate, it's Christmas,

it's Christmas, Easter, other
than that

it's just another day where
they say it's a special day.

Just let life flow, man.

Let it flow.

Just go with the flow.

Don't, seriously, honestly,

you look like you just
wanna ring her all the time,

you think about ringing
her, you know you can't.

And then you think about
texting her, you know you can't.

Just leave it man.

Just leave it for five minutes.

It's all you talk about,
seriously.

- You know,

Cara and Billi are doing
the Essex in the City party.

- You gonna come?

Cause I'm tellin' you, you are
coming.

I ain't lettin' you stay in
again.

- Well, basically, Lydia's
always said

that she's Carrie Bradshaw

and she's always called me a Mr.
Big.

Like Mr. Big's basically
some guy who's quite tall,

dark and handsome, a little bit
like me.

And he's got slick hair,
always wears suits.

- Is he big?

- No, he's not really big,
he's just called Mr. Big.

I don't think that's his real
name.

- Oh right.

- And basically, there's this
scene

in the film where there's
like these special shoes,

they're really hard to get.

I had to get them made in a
manufacturer's in Germany.

They're called Manolo Blaniks
but.

[Joey laughs]

They're so expensive as well.

I had to pay for them to
get delivered from Germany,

and be made to Lydia's
size and everythin'.

- What the hell are these?

- But Joey it's, it
ain't just a normal gift.

What you doin'?

Joey don't ruin 'em.

- It's silky bottom, innit.

- I know, but Joey it's
not just a normal gift,

it's sentimental value.

- Personally, if I saw them

I'd think they're worth about
two pound.

- Joey!

They've diamonds.

And they're specially made!

- They're not real
diamonds though, are they?

- That's like over a
grand's worth of shoes.

- Are they?

- You're clueless, mate.

- Yeah, but they don't look
like a lot of money, do they?

- What you talkin' about?

Fucking classiest shoes
I've ever seen in my life.

[Joey laughs]

Are you mad?

What do ya mean they look about
two pound?

Are you sure?

You're a doughnut mate!

[Arg sighs]

- Listen mate, I personally
think

you should just put the
shoes back in the box

and just wrap them up.

- I don't know.

I don't think it will
make it worse than now.

- Listen, trust me, I think you
should give them to her, ya?

- I'll just say to her,
"Look I'm not trying

"to buy your love, Lydia, I
just wanna give you a gift,

"and it's my last gift
I've got to give you."

- Yeah but no mate, you
can't do it like that.

- Well how do I do it then?

- You always have to do a
massive speech before you do it,

"It's got a gift and this
is for you and nah nah nah."

Give her the present say hello
to her

and that's it, I wanna keep it
civil.

If she's mature, she'll
go, "That's fine, James."

And then she'll give you
a kiss and say that's it.

Have a bit of space for a week.

You can take on a week can't ya?

You can come out with me and
have a laugh.

Week later, sweet.

[exhilarating synth music]

- Ah, Joe!

Whose stupid idea is this?

- Yours.

- Well that's bass, woman.

- If Gemma was here you
wouldn't be minding me.

- She'd show us right out,
wouldn't she?

She'd get it on in
about five seconds flat.

- No she would not.

I love the new trainin'.

Is this,

unattractive?

- Do you know what these suits
are for,

like there's a vacuum yeah?

So there's like wires
going in and they vacuum

to make you skinny.

- What?

- [Lauren] Can you feel it?

- Will they pump stuff into you?

- I don't know.

I'm quite looking forward to it.

- Yeah I bet your are,

in your nice little fancy gym
wear, love.

- Wait, why are you not wearing
it?

- Cause I'm doing it different,

I'm going in the back,

you two have gotta do this
walking thing.

- Do you actually wanna lose
weight?

I just wanted to tone a bit

and look at me I'm like, this is
too much.

- I've gotta be in a pod.

So I wanna do say like
on the back of my legs.

- Cause it's good for sittin'
like.

- Yeah, apparently.

Sheryl Crow uses it.

- She's got one in her house.

- I bet she's got that Gucci one
though,

it don't look like this there's
no way

she'd be caught wearing this.

I just wanna tone in general,

I don't wanna lose any weight,

I just wanna like tone
my arms and my stomach.

- Does it do that as well,
toning?

- Well I bloody hope
so, this is ridiculous.

Could've gone down to the gym
for an hour.

[funky synth music]

- What's happenin', Joe?

- What's happenin', mate?
- Ya alright?

- How you been, you been
alright?

- Yeah, not too bad, man,
ain't seen you for ages.

- I ain't seen you in
ages, son, how you been?

You alright though, yeah?

- What happened to you at Sam's
party?

You didn't wanna go?

- Nah, I went up with the boys,

went to like the seaside and
that.

Ice everywhere, was freezin'.

- We um, we had a hot tub in
there.

I walked in and like obviously
I'm in my beach shorts

and everyone's just struttin'
around

in little one piece bikinis.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, and then I ended up
in the hot tub with Lydia.

- With Lydia?

Shut up.

- Yeah, they had a hot tub
there and everythin' mate,

it was bang on.

- Arg is havin' a bit
of trouble with Lydia.

What's going on?

- Yeah.

Nah, nothin', just like me and
her

just chattin' about the old
times,

like the good times, you know?

- What, did anything happen or
anything?

- Um nah, nah, nah, it's not
like that, nothin' like that.

Listen, you know me and Lydia
have been friends for ages.

- Yeah, I know, I know, it's not
that,

cause obviously Arg is my mate

and I just feel like sorry for
him,

do ya know I mean like?

- Yeah, nah, nah, I was
just catching up with her

in the hot tub ya know.

- That's all innit, like
go for relationships,

I'm innit for relationships.

It's the boy who always gets
turned over.

- It's been four years is what I
mean.

- And that's what I'm saying.

- Literally it was just a good
party,

everyone was having fun,

I think the only people
that were really flirting

was just me and Cara and that
was it.

- I know.

You think she's a nice girl.

The next thing you gotta
do is just put it on her.

- Who Cara?

[laughs]

What just gonna go right
up to her and hiya Cara.

- Put it on her, mate.

[both laugh]

[funky techno music]

- Oh!

Ah!

How weird is it?

- Oh my God, what is goin' on?

What is goin' on?

- What is that all about?

- It's sucking on my belly.

- Is it?

- What is all this, like
electric in it?

- No it's not!

It's just like pushing you in.

It's like a tightening feeling.

You have to basically
do this for three weeks,

four times a week, 12 sessions.

So who would have thought
we'd be doing this

on Valentine's day?

- Yeah, great.

- Trying to make myself look
good.

- Have you had a lot of good
ones on Valentine's Day?

- Never in my whole life.

This has probably been
my best Valentine's Day.

- What?

- Spend it with the girls.

Seriously, I've never had roses.

- You must have!

- I swear on my mom's grave,

I've never ever, ever been
bought a rose.

Let alone a bunch of roses.

- Not even from your dad
when yous was little?

Oh my God.

- No, never.

- I think this is gonna be
my first single Valentine's

on my own.

No flowers, chocolates, no teddy
bears.

There was some new boys at
Sam's party the other night,

weren't there?

- Yeah.

- And I think the only
decent one was that Ricky.

- Do you fancy him?

- Me?

I don't know him.

- She's goin' red!

- Would you like to get to know
him?

- No!

- Why you smilin'?

- Cause you're making me laugh.

[Frankie laughs]

I can't breathe, it's
gettin' really tight.

- Yeah, Jess gettin' into it.

[exciting synth music]

- We need to accessorise these
boys.

Oh!

These have broke as well,
they've got too big muscles.

You're done!

- Off yous go!

- Oh my God, Chloe!

- Hello, Chloe!

- You look wicked.

- I gotta try and get on 'ere
now.

- That's alright, we'll hold it.

You look good you do!

You ready for this?

- Do I?

I feel a little bit nervous
girls.

- Do ya?

- We're gonna wear gloves
cause we're professional.

- 100% professional.

- I feel a bit scared with the
gloves.

Uh!

- Make sure you don't get
wasabi anywhere though

cause it might hurt.

- Ah aw, it's freezing!

It's freezin'!

- Um.

[Chloe laughs]

- Bill, you just can't wait
to get there and put that.

Like, listen, watch my fake tan,

you're just putting
wet lettuce on my legs,

my whole tan's coming off.

Don't give me a willy!

- It looks like she's
got nuts and a winky!

- Wait, wait.

I do love you for doing this for
us.

- Yeah.

- Where am I gonna put him?

- You're not putting that on me!

- I dropped him!

- You didn't mention
anything about animals!

You know I don't like animals!

- Oh my god, his leg fell off.

- Good, get him away from me!

- The good thing is she can't
move

and we can do whatever we want!

- Listen!

My noon stinks of fish, I
feel like I'm passing out,

I'm in like a weird fish dream!

Freaking out a little bit!

Ah!

Not the crab!

I can't have that big crab on
me!

- Right, are you alright
here while we quickly run off

and get ready?

- I can't really go anywhere,
can I?

Hurry up!

You're leaving me with raw fish
on me.

I'll get salmonella!

- Hello.

- Hello darling.

- How are you?

Good, you?
- Yeah, good thank you.

- Oh my God, Sam!

- You didn't recognise me did
you?

- No, don't hate me.

- Did you think I was Cara,
yeah?

Everyone has said that!

- You're looking lovely.

- What's happenin', Rick?

- What's happenin'?

- You alright, man?

- Here's your beer, son.

- Good party, innit?

- There are fit girls in here.

- What's that?

I've seen 'em.

Don't worry mate, I've
been scouting all night.

Don't you worry about that!

[romantic piano music]

- Do you like it?

- It's amazing!

It's lovely.

- Now come here you.

- Oh my God, it's so nice.

- I'm so nervous.

[Lucy laughs]

I'm proper nervous.

- It's like our first date.

You were more nervous than me,

I'm excited like I was the first
time.

- You look amazing.

- Thank you.

- You look nice.

- You've outdone yourself Mr.
Falcone.

- To a fresh start?

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

[exciting synth music]

- Thank you to everyone for
coming

to mine and Billi's Essex in the
City.

- Valentine's Day party.

Sushi is served!

[everyone cheers]

- [Man] What the...

- [Woman] Tuck in!

- Don't poke me, I am alive!

You just poked me there.

This is really intimidating.

They're trying to get the
lettuce as well, the cheeky
sods.

Diags!

- It's cause his lips diagonal,

and he can't put it in there.

- Do ya know what, though, it
does smell.

- No, it's the crab!

Come on girls, I've had enough
now.

I'm worried about getting
wasabi in me noon or something.

- It doesn't really feel
like Valentine's Day to me,

it just feels like a
normal girls' night out.

I'm really scared to be like,

I'm quite shy and going
back in my shell again,

not quite like reserve
something, I wanna meet someone.

- Is there anyone here you like?

- Uh, I think that Ricky
Raymont's quite hot.

- He's over there.

- Is he?

I'm not lookin', that's like
cringe.

- Maybe just get the eye contact
going.

Do the three second stare.

- What's that?

- Look at a guy for three
seconds,

cause it's not long enough
to look like a psycho,

but it's long enough to let
them know you're interested.

It's a proven scientific fact, I
swear.

Go on!

- Alright!

- Just do one of these, do a
quick casual and turn around.

- No, I can't.

- You look at people
in a club all the time.

- Yeah, but not when I'm put on
the spot.

- Go on be flirty, Lauren.

- One, two, three and back.

You done it!

- I didn't.

- He caught your eye, you had
a bit of eye contact going on.

- You're such a dick.

Spinach in my teeth.

Have I got spinach in my teeth?

- Oh yeah, you have got a
massive bit.

- I have, where?

Get it out?

- Actually, you've got most of
the bowl stuck on your teeth.

- Now you've gotta eat it,
no, you've gotta eat it!

Spoilsport.

- I did have one thing more
thing

that I sort of do wanna ask you
though.

- Yes?

- Um, I wanna ask you,

if you will be my girlfriend?

Is that a yes then?

- Yeah, we'll try.

Yeah, but on one condition,
this is a complete fresh start,

no reminders, nothing brought
up, all fresh clean slate.

Yeah?

- That's fine.

- And you've gotta
treat me like a princess

like you did at the
beginning, exactly the same.

- I think you've got lots of
smiles

coming your way hopefully.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Do You fancy me?

- Dunno, that's a tough question
to ask.

- It's not really, is it,
you either do or you don't.

- Nah, I do quite fancy
you, I'm not gonna lie.

I don't, I don't wanna make
it a massive situation.

If I say look Cara, I wanna
take your best mate on a date,

it's sort of, do ya know what I
mean?

You can just casually do it.

- Do ya think Cara would get the
'ump?

- I dunno, have you spoke to her
about it?

- No, I'll leave it to you.

- Leave it to me?

I don't think I can do it.

I don't know whether it's
bad me talking to you or not.

Cause I love my sister,
I love you both to bits.

But like, I wanna take you out.

- I'd like to go out with you.

- Yeah?

I don't really get to see you
enough,

like just us two together.

So will proper get to know you
as apposed.

- Cara's like the third wheel
in our relationship already.

- I don't know we'd be
going out or something

and she'd be poppin' up.

But would you be alright with
that?

Without Cara by your wing?

- As long as you look after me.

- I'll look after you, I
promise.

I am allowed a kiss?

- If we get married.

Me and Cara will actually be
sisters.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

- She'll be my sister-in-law.

- Is that how it works?

- Cara's gonna beat the shit out
of me.

- So Rick, do you reckon
you're a bit of a player?

- Who me?

No, I've never cheated in my
life.

- Shut up!

- Never ever.

- One boy in Essex!

- I promise, I couldn't do it,

I've got too much of a
conscience.

- Really?

- Look, he's got all the
girls around him, hasn't he.

- He is fit!

Come on.

- He's like really
flirtatious, like really loud,

like I expected him to be quite
quiet,

cause he doesn't really know all
of us.

He's like proper like, yeah,
like forward and full on.

- What do you do then to romance
a girl?

- Um, I just be myself
and it then if it works

and they like it then we're
obviously gonna click.

What would you do to woo me?

- I don't need to.

- Boys woo us!

- I've been woo'd by a few
girls.

- Why, what do they do?

- Well they do that little,

you know?

They do that when they're
walking past.

- Is that what Cara does?

- She won't stop!

- I'll be sick on the floor.

- I think Cara's proper into
him.

- Do ya know what it is, right?

It's like the new boy on the
scene

and everyone's like pouncing on
him.

- Desperate!

- Pouncing!

Good luck to him.

- I'm newly on the market,
anyone fancy a purchase?

[laughs]

- You're newly on the market?

You can't be doin' all that!

- I broke up with my
girlfriend last week, mm.

- Did you?

[peaceful piano music]

- Like normally, me and you,

I would say come back to mine
tonight,

but I think as it's our first
date, I don't think we should.

- I don't either.

- I think that um, we should
do like the three date rule.

- Yeah.

- Yeah!

- I agree, that's what I want.

- Yeah?

Another thing as well,

even though on our first
date we didn't have a kiss,

I think we should have kiss.

Do ya not think?

Yeah?

Gimme a kiss then.

[both laugh]

- I've missed you.

- I missed you.

I do really love you.

- I know.

- You know.

- I know.

- Good.

- I love you too.

- Happy Valentine's day.

- Sam's hair looks nice
tonight don't it, it's changed.

- It's alright, she looks just
like Carol though, don't she.

- I know, I was thinkin' that.

It's nice though, she looks
like she's out of a film

or something.

It's all weird innit.

You alright?

- Nah, I'm not mate.

- What's up?

- Dunno, it's just hard innit,
you know.

- I know mate, but like.

- She's proper like going out of
her way

to like flirt in front of me and
stuff so.

- You're upset, aren't ya.

I know how you feel.

To be fair, she was talking to
that Ricky,

but mate, listen, I spoke
to him the other day

and he said like to me, he went
to me,

like I went to him is there
anythin' goin' on between you

and Lydia at all, just in like
an askin' way, not flirting,

and he was like oh nah, nah,
nah, nothin'.

I like Cara, I like Cara.

- Joe, it's not just that, is
it?

- Whatcha mean, it's not just
that?

[Sighs]

- I dunno if I should tell you
or not.

- What?

You know you can trust
me with anything, Arg.

- Yeah, I know, but I dunno,
me and Lydia we just swore

to each other that we wouldn't
say anything to anyone.

- You're winding yourself up,
mate.

- Well basically, um, two days
ago, um,

Lydia found out that I was in
a really bad place ya know,

when you was concerned, when
I was just staying indoors,

like hiding myself in my bed,

and to be fair to her ya know
she was genuinely concerned.

She said come on, let's meet
up or whatever and have a chat,

I'm worried about ya.

So I thought I'd go round and
see her.

We both had a little cry and a
cuddle

and ya know she's just saying

that she's still madly in love
with me

and there's an attraction there,

but she doesn't wanna be with me
anymore.

And then she was confusing
me saying stuff like

but I still wanna marry you,
and I do wanna have your kids

and I just wish you and me could
go away,

just us two on a desert island.

And then basically, you know,

I slept with her the other
night.

- What?

- Yeah.

- You're jokin'!

- Yeah, I slept with her.

- Oh, my God.

- But you know, now she's, you
know,

she's not even said hello to me.

- This is why you're so down,
Arg, mate.

- It's just so hard, but
at the same time, you know,

she's come here tonight

and she's been flirting
in front of me, you know,

I've heard about the stuff
that happened at Sam's party

and the hot tub and the
flirting.

And I just find it so
disrespectful, you know.

- This must be reverse
psychology.

See, I'm not bein' funny,
if you're cheating,

why would she sleep with ya?

- I don't know mate, in
my head I feel that--

- Arg, do ya know what she's
doin'?

- No, but in my head I feel that
now, yes,

I've definitely got a chance.

I will potentially
eventually get her back.

And then I'm here tonight, you
know,

she's dancing with boys, like
laughing at me and, you know,

she's chattin' away to
Ricky at the bar now.

And people keep saying
these bad things about me,

but I've come here tonight
I've stayed with the boys,

I haven't even talked to a
girl or dancing with a girl,

chatting everyone up

and I feel like I wanna show her
respect,

but why can't she do that to me.

- You've got a reason to
be down, and it's horrible,

you've just gotta get through
it, mate.

- I just wanna go home, Joey,

to be honest but I appreciate
everything you've done for me,

yeah.

I'm just gonna go home alright.

- [Narrator] Next time
on the Only Way is

will Arg ever find his
Cinderella?

- Personally I think their
worth about two pounds.

- Two, they have diamonds!

It's like a grands worth of
shoes.

- [Narrator] How will Cara react

to the world's fastest romance?

- If we get married someday,

me and Cara will actually be
sisters.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

- [Narrator] And will Guy Fawkes
get his tiny clothes back?

- Mr. Bigs for the night.

- [Narrator] Who knows,
these people are real

and anything can happen
on The Only Way is Essex.

[cheerful synth music]