All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S03E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

- [Narrator] This programme
contains flash boys,

fake boobs and one helluva bust
up.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all
real although some of

what they do has been set up
purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is
Essex.

- Men get better with
age, woman get worse.

- That's why I'm dating a 25
year old.

- As my girlfriend,

it's important for me that you
get on with my best friend.

- If I wanted Lucy, I could have
her.

[upbeat music]

- Right, cooking lesson Joe.

- Yeah.

- You gotta learn how to cook

because the girls dig
it sometimes as well.

- Sweet.

- You've gotta beat your meat
Joey,

have you ever beat your meat
before?

- Maybe.

- So, did you find any Mrs Essex

at the fashion show yesterday?

- No I didn't actually,

a few little things went
on there didn't there,

like a few little dramas.

- I see Mario and Mark having
words.

- Yeah I know, yeah.

- But, I dunno why Mark just run
over

to Mario and said something
'cause I said stuff as well.

- Yeah I know, of course I
mean--

- Do you know what I mean?

Why didn't he come over
and put it on me instead

of just putting it on Mario?

- I don't know, you know what?

That's a good question.

I knew he was gonna say
something

'cause you would, wouldn't ya?

Like he's obviously gonna be
like a bit pissed off that--

- Yeah I actually would be
pissed off,

I was actually waiting for
him to come over to me to ask,

to say something but.

- You've had a bit of beef

with Mark in the past haven't
you?

So--

- He beat me up in the boxing
didn't he?

There's my dad out there.

He's always walking around aint
he?

- Why's he got a big
massive rope in his hand?

- It's to lead the horse,
like horse rope init?

- Why's he got a horse rope?

- He's is taking Maria out
again.

Weird though innit man?

- Are you embarrassed?

- Yeah I am embarrassed.

She's 25 years old, she's my
age.

- So what you gonna do?

- There's nothing I can do is
there?

Just get on with me life.

- It's only weird for you

but is he really gonna marry
her?

I'm not being funny, this is out
of order

but he probably--

- He'll fuck her and
fuck her off probably.

- He's probably gonna have sex

with her and then say see ya
later.

- Yeah.

- I really do think we need
to calm down on going out,

we just literally, we non stop
aren't we?

- I've hit rock bottom
seriously, like--

- I think we should have
like a nice night in,

like a girls night in, gossip,
some wine.

- Watch a couple of films.

- Maybe we should invite
a few of the girls?

Make it a sleep over.

Yeah we should.

- Hi girls.

- Hello Gem.
- Hey Gem.

- Oh god, my fringe is
driving me up the wall

and it's windy today.

- You look lovely today.

- It looks lovely.

- How you been?

- Me and Bill are just saying

how much partying we've
been doing recently--

- I know, I know, mental.
- It's mad, isn't it?

- We're gonna have a night
in, why don't you join us.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- A night in.

- But the thing is, if I come
it's so not gonna be quiet.

- Should we turn it into
more of like a slumber party?

sleep over.

- Shall we invite a few of the
girls?

- If we invite all the girls
plus Harry,

we can't forget Harry.

- Would you mind if Maria came?

- Not at all, at the end of the
day,

if she's gonna marry
Mick now instead of me,

there's nothing I can do about
it.

Do you know what I mean?

When Lauren said to me
I was in total shock.

I didn't want to like cry there
and then,

but you know when like--

- It's like that gut feeling
isn't it?

- Just, I felt like, oh my god
about it.

Like Mick always says oh, you
know,

I never show my feelings,

I'm like a bit of a non feeling
person.

- He's a bit cold isn't he like?

That's what I mean, I'd never
have thought he'd fancy her.

- But she is quite cold.

- Yeah

- I'm not being funny,
she's like you know--

- The ice queen.

- Yeah, I've never seen an
expression on Maria's face.

- Yeah but I think that
might be down to the Botox.

- Do you think?

- Morning.

- Morning.

How you doing?

- Right, that's that done.

- What's going on?

- I'm teaching Joey how to cook.

- Have you learnt?

Do you know what to do?

- Yeah a little bit, I know
how to marinade food now.

- How was last night?

Was it alright?

- Oh my god mate, was there
arse and tits everywhere,

I loved it.

- There was a bird that
looked proper Reem.

- That one I said?

- Yeah, the one in the blue and
purple?

- Why weren't you there?

- I went out to dinner with
Maria.

- Oh, nice, whoo.

- Yeah, it was good.

- I bet it was.

- Yeah.

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- That's alright.

- Good.

I'm not talking about it,

I'm just telling you
we went out to dinner.

- You went, it's good.

I'm not interested in it,
I'm happy for you, whoo.

- Alright there, that's good.

- No brilliant, yeah.

- I'm happy for myself,

I sent her some flowers this
morning to say thank you.

- You haven't?

Why'd you send her flowers?

- To say thanks for a good
evening, 'cause I'm a gentleman.

- Thanks for a good evening?

Why?

Did she pay for it?

- Did she pay for it?

- Yeah.

- No I paid for it.

- So was it a good evening?

- She actually wanted to pay for
it.

- Bollocks, she probably said
she wanted to pay for it,

but she really wouldn't of.

- I had to fight her over it.

- Bollocks.

- Don't keep swearing.

I didn't bring you up to
swear like that did I?

Hey, we've got a young man here,

he doesn't want to hear
you swearing like that.

- That's right.

That's true.

- But I'm a kid, I am allowed
to be a little bit rebellious.

- You're not really a kid are
you?

Flying around in a Ferrari,

it's not really a kids toy, is
it?

- I worked hard for it, didn't
I?

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- Did you kiss him?

- No.

- Oh gosh, boring.

- No, he's a gentlemen isn't he
like?

- Yeah.

- He sent me flowers this
morning.

- No way.
- No way.

- Yeah, when I woke up there
was like a knock on the door

I was like oh God,

there was just a little card
saying thanks for a nice night,

hope to see you soon, Mick.

- So he's an old romantic then.

- Yeah.

- He is and it's nice to kind
of,

obviously I'm just still unsure

'cause of the age but he's
really nice.

- You like?

- Your face as you said that.

- Isn't it a bit awkward
yesterday though

'cause Gemma asked where you
were.

- She stays up the--

- No--

- Well apparently she didn't
mean to.

- She's not been in a
relationship with him and

as far as I was concerned
she was over him so--

- I think she's over him,

she's just more upset
that you'd hadn't said

to her like given her a heads
up.

- She's clearly still got
feelings for him then.

- Yeah.

- God.

- Just speak to her, she'll be
all right.

- I'm sure.

- Hope so.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Hi Lauren, it's Sam.

- Hello, how are you?

- What was I gonna say?

It's a little bit cheesy but me
and Billi

were thinking about having
like a girly sleep over.

- Ah yeah, that's such a good
idea.

- Who you with now?

- I'm with Maria and Lauren.

- Yeah bring them, definitely,
the more the merrier.

- Okay wicked, sounds good.

- Okay then, see you later, bye.

- Bye.

- Come on.

One.
- One.

- Good.

Careful of those things Gemma
you're gonna

give me a black eye with those.

- Come one, five, come on Arg!

- No pain no gain, come on Arg.

No I'm doing it because
I've got three stone

to lose between now and
Christmas.

I've had enough of that
can we do something else?

- I'm more interested
about the twin question,

like it fascinates me a bit.

So have you two ever done the
stuff,

you know like, have you
both dated the same girl,

have you both pretended
to be the same person

and you take it in turns to go
and see her stuff like that?

- That time when you was out in
the club.

- I was dancing away and
this birds come up to me,

didn't know who it was, why
haven't you been calling me?

You've mugged me right off
and I was like who's this?

- You've never met her?

- No, and obviously it was his
handy work.

- The thing is though if you
look at you,

like I can tell little
differences,

so like you're the more
like sensitive one out

of the two would you say?

Or you're like the hard
one and he's the soft one?

- I think I'm a little bit more
serious.

- I think I tend to,
I'm a bit more outspoken

so I won't think about things
before i say it and he has

to usually reign me in,

give me a little nudge and
like say why you saying that?

You know.

- So you've got verbal diarrhoea

and you're sweet and sensitive.

- He's definitely not sweet.

- But you look proper fit in
your boxers.

- Ah cheers.

- And I was observing the
package.

[laughing]

This is what I wanna know and
don't

be embarrassed about this,

have you seriously looked
at each others dicks?

[laughing]

- What I noticed about Kirk,
I've known him for so long.

To me, he's a nice kid
and I'll get on with him,

he's funny, he seems like he's
got a heart of gold but then,

all I ever hear is ah
Kirk said this about you,

Kirk said that about
you and now he's done it

with Mario and what annoyed
me about the Mario thing is--

- Yeah, yeah.
- Talking to Kirk,

Marks a womaniser and you can't
trust him around your girl.

In all honesty what it is,

he's threatened by me because
he obviously don't trust Lucy.

- What's Kirk problem though?

Why is he feeling the need to do
that?

- Maybe he knows that I've been
with Lauren [murmurs] past.

- I don't think it would be
that, I don't know I just don't.

- Maybe it's something
to do with the boxing,

because once you've been beat up

by someone you find it hard
to like them again I suppose.

I'm debating just asking Kirk
for a meet.

- I don't know, well
you always go [murmurs]

so maybe you should just
sort it out with him.

- Here you go, black coffee.

So what was all that at the
end of the night with Mark?

- Obviously, as you know, Kirk
hates Mark.

And then Arg overheard
and told Mark obviously

because they are best
mates, which I respect.

And obviously Mark got
a little bit uptight

and took it a little bit
seriously and to heart.

- Do you know what Arg told
Mark?

- Haven't a clue.

- You haven't got a
problem with Arg, have you?

- Not at all, I love Arg,
I think he's awesome.

- Because I'm friends with Lyd
and stuff,

so I was hoping that we
could go out, like as a four.

- Mmm, definitely.

- Just a restaurant or a drink
or,

what do you think?

- Sounds good to me.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, it'll be nice.

- Let's hope Mark doesn't mind,

actually do you know what?

I don't even care.

- Well, you've got to understand
you know,

Arg can be friends with who
he wants to be friends with,

but at the same time,
Mark's obviously lost you,

lost Sam, lost Lauren and if
he thinks he's gonna lose Arg

as well, you know, he might
take that to heart as well.

- He's really gonna hate you
then.

- Everything that I seem to
do he sort step outta line,

he gets upset and gets uptight
about, so.

- I don't want anymore
chats with you two though.

I've had enough.

- Oh, that's not going to
happen.

- I can't take it anymore
more, my heart was like,

the other night when
you was talking my heart

was going and I thought
what are they talking about.

- Nothing's ever gonna
happen, at the end of the day,

I think you know, I've got you
now,

so that's it with that one.

He can say and do as he
pleases, but you're happy right?

- course I am.

[upbeat music]

- Come in.

What's happening son?

- You alright, Mark?

- How you doing?

- Good to see you, mate.

- Good to see you too.

- I'm gonna cut straight to the
point.

I was gonna just do it and
hopefully you wouldn't find out

and not tell you, but you know,

we tell each other everything,
yeah?

- Yeah.

- Yeah right, basically,
I got a text from Lydia,

she's text me saying,
"Hi Arg, spoken to Lucy,

we've arranged for me, Lucy, me
and Mario

to go for drinks tonight.

I just thought, you know,
it's not much of a big deal,

it's gonna be one quick, a few
drinks

and that's the end of it, I
won't have to do it again.

But I thought I should probably,
you know, let you know.

- Do you think that's good?

Do you think that's right?

- Well I dunno Mark,
it's not that bad is it?

He's never done anything
to you, has he really?

- Listen, I've met Mario twice
in my life,

once he shook my hand like a
gentleman,

walked away like a bitch and
bitched

about me behind my back.

You know that because you're
the one that told me it.

But a few nights later you're
going out

for a drink with him.

Oh yeah no, that's perfect,
go on, away you go.

Do you think I would do that?

See if a boy was bitching about
you,

even saying Arg is this, Arg is
that,

you think I would, number
one I'd go mad at him,

number two, I one million
percent

wouldn't be in his company,
let alone put myself out,

get dressed up like the penguin
again

and go out for a drink with him.

- Look Mark, I'm not
going there for Mario,

I'm not going there to become
his friend

or really chat to him that
much, I'm more going just

to sort of keep Lydia
happy and just get it over.

It's a few drinks.

- If you wanna keep Lydia happy,

if you want to keep Lydia
happy, grow some bollocks,

wear some trousers and
tell her to fuck off.

- You know what Mark?

I'm sick of trying to keep you
happy,

I'm sick of keeping Lydia happy,

I'm just gonna go to--

- Go on then, have a good
night--

- I don't care.

- have a good night and
say hello for me yeah?

Idiot.

- So looking forward to tonight,

girls are going to love the
food.

- Of course.

- We've got fake lips.

- Fake boobs.

- Enough for everybody.

- I'm looking forward
to getting the gossip

on everyone's love life.

- Me too.

- I want that one.

- No experience.

- Girls and boys, first question
of our girlie sleepover,

what's the romantic thing
a guy's ever done for you?

- Oh dear, 10 years.

- I don't think they're
that romantic anymore.

- No, they are not.

- I remember one Valentines I
came home

and there was a massive bouquet

of flowers like literally as big
as me in,

and there was like a massive
[murmurs]

and teddy and chocolates.

- We need the old fashioned
men like they used to be.

- Maria you've had a bit
of a romantic moment,

because you've got an older man.

- Share the moment.

- I've got an older man you
see, it's the way forward.

I got sent a lovely bunch of
flowers.

- Ahh.

[upbeat music]

- Cheers

- Cheers.

- That was horrible.

Well that one went much better.

- Did you do two?

- Do I smell?

- No why?

- Can you come and sit next to
me please?

Look at them all cute and--

- Not really, we've got our
space.

- Yeah because they're in
their honeymoon period.

It just becomes like routine,
don't it?

After a while.

- Yeah standard.

- Boring.

- What you talking about?

I'm never boring.

- I need a new man, a new
[murmurs],

no I'm joking, okay don't kiss
me.

- Oh.

Oh, here we go.

- Champagne!

Who got this this?

- I did.

- You did?

- Yeah.

- Mario, really?

- Yeah.
- Oh, thanks

- You smooth operator.

- That's how I roll.

- I was gonna say, I hope I
don't have to pay for the booze.

- I've got something I need to
tell Lucy.

- What in private, do want us to
go?

- No, no, I'll tell you
all, you're all here,

so, I've been looking
at apartments this week,

and I found this really
nice one in Kentish park.

I viewed it twice, and I
have bought an apartment.

[Screaming]

- Congratulations.

- Cheers.

And there's another thing as
well,

I know it's a big step,

but would you wanna
move in with me as well?

- Aww guys, that's so cute.

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Shall we have a toast yeah?

- Cheers.

- Who's doing the toast to--

- To Mario and Lucy

- Our flat, our apartment, our
apartment.

- Congratulations guys.

- All the paperwork's been
signed.

- Are you sure?

- You don't think it's too soon?

- We see each other everyday
anyway.

So I figured it feels right.

- At least it means your mum
doesn't walk in on us anymore.

- Actually we can probably
relate.

- With Debbie?

Did Debbie walk in?

- Debbie kinda walked in.

She didn't walk in on Lydia.

- No, I was sitting there--

- She walked in on me,
playing with myself.

[laughing]

- No it never happened like
that!

I was sitting there on the
phone,

like we were on my bed.

And Arg must have been just
sitting

there like playing with it.

[Screaming]
[laughing]

She came in and she saw him
fondling and she went James,

and I looked around
and was like oh my god,

and he was still doing it.

- Yeah, I didn't know until
afterwards.

- And I went James, and I
screamed at him,

and then all of a sudden he went
ooh.

- Ah don't, I was petrified.

The last thing you know,

when you have a little fondle

you don't wanna really see
Debbie coming up in front

of ya do ya?

- Are you alright?

- I'm gasping for a drink, are
you?

- Yep.

- I'm glad I've seen you.

Away from the others.

Like obviously, you know, we are
friends,

I really like you, I haven't
got,

Do you know what I mean?

we've always had a
laugh together and that.

I'm just like a bit wounded
that you're going out with Mick.

But not because, I don't
hate you because of it,

and I don't hate Mick.

I'm just trying to get
to the bottom of it,

do you know what I mean?

And like, I don't know,

I just wouldn't put you
and Mick together, Maria.

- No, me neither.

- Did it happen naturally?

- Well no, because you put
us together at the party.

- Yeah, but I put you together

because I thought you're two
single,

you'd just be like friends,

I didn't think you'd
actually fall in love.

- Well, me too.

I'm not in love with him.

I don't fall in love that
easily.

I've gotta know someone.

I'm very much, I'm a closed
book when it comes to men.

I don't just go out with anyone.

- I wish you all the best
Maria I swear to you,

I really want, if,

because you deserve happiness as
well,

and it's just not my time yet.

- I don't know.

Alright, well I don't want you
to be upset

Or if there are any issues, just
tell me.

Because I'd rather think
about your feelings

and about feelings that
might happen or might not.

So.

- The thing is though
if you really loved him,

don't you think they'd be there
now?

- You don't fall in love
with someone instantly.

- I do.

- I like him, I fancy him, I
like him,

and I smile when I see him,
and that's enough for me.

- Well that's enough for me as
well.

Have good night and I'll
see you upstairs in a bit,

alright, love you babe.

- Bye.

[upbeat music]

- Feels good to be out
for a nice beverage.

- I know.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- It feels weird actually,

I've never been out me and you
in a club.

Don't get me wrong I love you
being out

with me but the reason
why you're out for a drink

with me is probably
because me wing man, Arg.

- Where is he?

- Mate, he came in my flat
earlier and he was like,

Mark I'm going out with Mario
tonight.

- What?

- Lucy and Lydia and was like,

I aint gonna stop him doing it

but do you think that's right?

The fact that he knows--

- It's weird because Lydia's
like made him

because Lydia's really
good friends with Lucy--

- Actually she over powers him
and tries

to make it out like she
wears the trousers every time

and bullies him that's
probably why as well.

- Well yeah but I suppose
it's hard for him,

you know what Arg's like,

he's not the most toughest
character in the world.

- He knows what Mario done was
bad

and a few days later
he's going for a drink--

- Yeah, I don't think I
would do that actually.

- That's bang out of order.

- No that is out of order.

- I'm so glad we've done this.

We never go on double dates.

- No.

- So obviously we never
went with Mark and Lauren

because I don't like Mark.

Like this is good.

- You never went on double
dates with Mark and Lauren?

- No, obviously I love Lauren

but I didn't get on with
Mark so it was just awkward.

- Him and Mark had a
conversation.

Remember?

- What'd you talk about?

- Lets just say that me and Kirk
had a bit

of boy banter in the shop.

Nothing malicious, but
you obviously told him.

- Yeah.

- And then obviously he come
and spoke to me about it.

- You know, I wasn't doing it
with intent

for him to have like a row with
you

or anything like that, it was
more just sort of you know,

you have to,

you've gotta tell your best
mates everything really.

- We are not talking about Mark
Wright,

and we're gonna have a good
night,

we're gonna go for a dance

and we're going to move on from
this.

- Yeah, I don't want to argue
about Mark Wright anymore,

because we have enough
arguments about him.

- And we don't wanna talk about
him.

- No, you don't want to argue
about him.

- Yeah to be honest with you, I
mean yeah,

I've had a great night you know,

I haven't met you properly
Mario,

I've had a lovely time,
and Lucy's been lovely.

But you know, I was with
Mark earlier and I have sort

of let him down a little bit,
last minute,

and I feel as though I've gotta
go and see him now 'cause--

- What now?

Right now?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I'm sure we'll
do it again and you know,

it was nice, wasn't it?

- You're leaving Lyd here?

- Lyd, I've let Mark down,

I've gotta go and see him
for a little bit okay?

We've had a nice evening you
know,

we've been here for a while,

I've just gotta go and see him.

I owe it to him, yeah?

- I'm speechless.

I can't even talk right now.

- Do you know what?

I actually like being single,

I thought I had such
a better nights sleep,

I can just relax, I don't
have to worry about--

- Spread the legs.

- No one will put their arm
over you and go like this.

- I hate sleeping on my
own, I like to cuddle--

- I love sleeping on my own.

- If I've got a boyfriend
[murmurs].

- I don't sleep with
mine, I sleep with Lauren.

- Yeah I got her now.

- Do you know what the worst
thing is?

When they wake up in the
morning,

they start like trying it on
with you.

- Oh!

- Straight away like that.

- With their morning death
breath.

- Yeah they disgusting.

- Why do boys smell more?

- I don't even fart.

- I don't even poo, I've
just gotta tell you all.

[laughing]

- Girls don't poo--

- Do you know what?

I would never poo in front of a
man.

- Me and Mark used to go
in the toilet in front

of each other all the time.

Yeah.

- I see that.

- I do poo, everything bad you
think

of I've done in front of him.

- What?

A poo?

- I wouldn't marry a man
unless I could poo and fart--

- No way.

- You just gotta get that
first fart out the way,

once that's done it's fine.

Break the ice.

- Maria, you can't do that.

- Micks not gonna like that.

- Mick will jump you instantly.

- You've gotta keep something a
secret.

- There are so many blokes in
here,

I can't even see straight.

- Please stop winding me up

or I won't be coming for drinks
with you no more, trust me.

- Oh my god, look who it is.

Oh, my god.

- Bad boys for life.

- What are you doing here?

- Don't leave me hanging bruv.

- What are you doing here?

- Well you know, didn't
wanna let you down.

- You alright Arg?

You've come and rescued him.

- Well you know.

I've had a nice evening,
you know with Lydia,

Mario and Lucy, but I felt you
know,

I've done my due, I've paid my
time,

and now I'm here to see you.

- What did they say when you
left?

- Well you know, I was
there for a little while,

I think they're all a bit shock,
but--

- Lydia must be fuming.

- Yeah, I think she'll be
alright.

I just think towards the
end I did feel a little bit,

I started to feel a bit
uncomfortable

and I just thought it was
the right time to leave,

to be honest with ya.

- What did you say?

- I just said, you know what
guys?

I've had a nice evening, thanks
a lot,

we will do it again soon, but
you know,

I've let Mark down, I feel a
little bit uncomfortable now

and I feel like I've gotta go.

- Are me and you now

gonna have a night like we used
to have?

A night that I used to
have with my wing man,

sit here, champers coming
over, get the cards out,

get the girls over.

You haven't got to cheat,
obviously,

but having a drink.

Are we gonna do that or not?

- Well, as long as we get your
card out.

- On that note boys, I've
just seen someone that I--

- Uh, where you going?

- It's a girl, it's a girl,
let me go, see you later.

- Go on, Jess.

- Bye.

- Mate, what's happening?

- I'll tell you, you know what
Mark?

It's fucking good to see you
mate.

- Marg is back, init?

- Definitely.

- There's birds everywhere
and all I gotta say is this,

Mark Wright has been lame,

but Mark Wright now is back in
the game.

[laughing]

And that's all there is it to
son.

- Cheers mate.

- I just think he has got
a bloody hold over him.

Like I'm sorry like, you don't
do that.

Mark treats him like he's his
bloody bitch

and it really pisses me off.

Mark controls people, he
controlled Lauren

for ten years and she finally
got out,

he's controlling James and
James isn't getting out,

and James is just getting
sucked in, sucked in.

And I think the more he's doing
it,

like the more I'm like, I'm
just going back to square one.

- The thing is we're three
people that he can't control.

- But this is the truth.

We are the three, we are the
three people he can't control.

- That's why Mark has got no
friends,

Mark's only friend is James.

- Don't get upset.

Seriously I'll take you both
out,

treat you both like
princesses for one night.

I've got a pocket full of cash,

we'll go mad, the three of us.

- Aww, thank you Mario,

I have a real man to look
after me for tonight.

- We can share him for tonight.

- Let's go then.

- Let's go now, come on.

- Are you sure?

Sure I'm not be intruding

on your little romantic
celebrations?

- Don' be stupid, come on let's
go.

- But I had a boyfriend
once, get on this right,

this is gonna be really
shocking,

and this is the Gods honest
truth.

- I love how she builds it up.

- No, this is gospel, right.

I came in from work one day

and I could hear this
[scratching] right,

I walked through the living room
door,

he's sitting on the sofa,

scratching his under
carriage with a credit card.

[screaming]

- Yeah.

Yeah, 100%.

- Yo girls, do you wanna come
for a drink?

- Yeah, 'cause you're so
charming, right?

- Yeah, that's what I thought.

How you doing, you alright?

- You alright?

Hello.

- You alright?

- Lovely to meet you, I'm Mark.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yes, my name's Arg.

- You alright?

- Are we all drinking tonight?

- Yeah.

- So how's your night been?

- It's been good, it's been
good.

- Whoa, get away.

- That's meant for the waving
aint it?

- Ah really?

- It's like a sparkler.

- Arg, what are you doing mate?

We're not at fireworks night
yeah?

We're having a drink with some
girls.

Want a drink, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah cool.

- Cheers.

- So girls, what do you do?

- I'm a Page Three girl.

I knew I was gonna get that.

I knew I was, as soon as
that question pops up,

it's one of them, it's like
argh.

- I think I've seen
your pretty face before.

- Oh, that old chest nut,

- Do you think you're
here for more than a chat.

- No, I'm just enjoying a drink.

- I like it, good come back.

- Please tell me you are not
like him.

- No, I'm nothing like
him, I've got a girlfriend.

- What you trying to say?

- See, he is a good boy.

You should take some notes.

- Do you like good boys?

- Yeah, I do actually.

- So you like Arg then?

- He's a good lad, bless him.

- Anyway cheers.

- Cheers.

- Good evening.

- Maria.

- Maria, what is your kind of
guy?

- Something that I've not had
before,

I don't know yet.

Like--

- I know, grey and older fifty.

- I don't know, I don't
have a type. Like--

- I don't have a type,
I just like a bad boy.

- They've just gotta make me
laugh, and that's really basic.

I'd just, I'd love to get
married and have kids,

I thought I'd be engaged by now,

by the time I was 25,

I definitely wanna have a
kid by the time I'm thirty.

- Gemma, are you okay tonight?

You seem a little bit quiet.

- I am a little bit quiet.

- But you're alright though,
just want a quiet night.

- I'm just getting over the
shock

of Mick and Maria getting
married.

They're gonna get married.

- Awkward

- I think with the Mick thing,

I think you need to sort of
obviously,

because it gets quite awkward,

I think if you're cool with me
seeing Mick

then it needs to be left at
that.

- Maria don't, let's not
ruin the night about it,

do you know what I mean?

- Are we having a good night or
what?

- I'm having a great time
you know, it's been nice.

I've had a few drinks, and
I'm a little bit merry,

but, you know,

all in all, all in all it's
been, it's been pretty cool.

- You might need a little
bit more Champagne.

- I think I could do with some
as well.

- Stop trying to get them drunk.

- I could definitely do,

I could definitely do with some
champagne, you alright, Lyd?

- Are you for real?

- Alight Luce, alright Mario.

- Alright mate?

How you doing?

- Come join us for a drink.

- No.

- Now come on, don't be silly.

Go on girls, do you mind if
they just sit down, yeah.

- Yeah, no.

- Come on, Lyd.

Come on.

- Na.

Are you kidding me?

- No, I said I was--

- Are you actually kidding me,
James?

- No, I didn't know I was gonna
come here?

- You're sitting there with two
girls.

Are you kidding me?

- Mark invited them over, I
didn't.

- Are you actually kidding me?

- But Arg, it isn't about

who the girls you're sitting
with,

you've left a dinner with your
girlfriend

to go onto a club to sit with
girls.

That's what's the wrong part
here.

- No--

- Alright, alright, everyone
stop digging at Arg,

right, I understand
where you're coming from,

he's left a meal, I didn't even
know that,

but he's not doing anything
wrong.

I am--

- Yes he is.

He was supposed to go on a
double date

with me and my friends,
apparently you were upset,

yeah, oh Mark's really upset
he needs me, he needs me,

he's come on to a night with you
two

and sitting with two girls.

- Well to be fair--

- Are you kidding me?

- Arg aint doing nothing with no
girls.

- Nothing wrong?

No?

- Well, he was flirting with
them--

- You don't think that's nothing
wrong?

- I'm telling you--

- Well, he's pouring a girl a
drink.

- Mark has been, Mark has
been a bit upset yeah,

and I haven't really been there
for him.

- He looks upset.

- No, Mark's been a bit upset

and I haven't really been there
for him.

- Mario, Mario, please don't
start.

- Mark.

I heard you think you could have
Lucy

at the click of your fingers.

- I can.

- Go for it, go on.

- Huh?

- Go on.

- I don't wanna.

- You don't want to?

- Mario--

- This isn't about it,
this isn't about it,

this isn't about it.

No, stop it.

- Stop it, can you stop.

- No, I know why you wanna stop
it.

- This isn't about it.

- I know why you wanna stop it.

- What?

- Mario, trust me mate.

- Trust me?

I aint gonna trust you, you
little cunt.

- Okay, I'll talk to you now,
right,

I'll talk to you right now.

- Talk to her then.

- Sorry Lucy, he's piped
up, I've gotta say it.

I went with Lucy a month ago.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Sorry mate.

- The thing is like, you're all
talk Mark.

You're all talk, Mark.

The thing is everyone
thinks you're a cunt,

I think you're a cunt.

- I slept with your missus thee
weeks ago.

- Course you did.

- Who's the cunt now?

- Oh shut up.

- Believe what you've gotta
believe.

You need to look in the mirror
mate.

- I need to look in the mirror?

You've got a reseeding
hairline you bellend.

- Oh, stop it please.

For Gods sake.

It's unnecessary.

- Ignore dumb and dumber,

let's go have a good night.

Come on.

- Fucking Arg, you've
messed it up once again.

And who's leading you astray?

Who's leading you astray?

Fucking idiot.

- Did you really sleep
with Lucy after 195?

- Yeah.

I did, I'm not gonna lie
no more, there's no point.

- You know what he's like,

you know he's a prick and
you're still stupid enough

to go near him.

- I know.

But I didn't fucking sleep with
him.

Can you not see that he's
trying to just do this

because he's the only
one lonely and unhappy

and he's trying to make everyone
else

around him exactly the same.

He's done it to Lydia
tonight and he's trying

to do it to me tonight.

Have you not worked that out?

- I do absolutely fucking
everything for you, everything.

It goes without saying.

Anything you want, anything.

I just, tonight, this
whole night has started

with me surprising you with
me buying you and me a flat

and asking you to move in with
me,

and it's ended with Mark telling
me

that he apparently slept
with you when I was in Ibiza.

And obviously--

- Which you know is bollocks.

- Do I?

- We've come here tonight, and
he's seen

that we're happy and he's
tried to destroy everyone

around him, like he's trying
take Arg away from Lydia.

And look what's happened
here, she's upset.

And now he's trying to do it
to us, can you not see it?

- I think wait until you know
deep down that it's the truth,

because this is what he does.

He's a horrible, sad,
manipulative person, Mario.

- I used to be like it,
I used to be a player,

I used to play the game, I
used to fuck birds for fun,

that's what I used to be like,

so I know what it's all about.

I stopped that game because
I wanted to be with her.

Okay, so I know what it's all
about.

- Yeah of course, I understand
that.

- Yeah, so I asked her
to stay away from him

for her own benefit.

Not for me, for us.

She still can't do that.

Seriously, I have given
you nothing but love,

treated you like a princess

for the last four or five
months.

I've taken you for nice meals,
bought you nice presents,

made a fuss of you, everything,

introduced you to my family,
everything.

I love you and I want us to
be together and be happy,

you still go against exactly
what I say,

knowing that I'm right,

makes me question exactly what
it is what we are doing here.

Whatever.

- You know I love you, and you
know I wouldn't cheat on you,

that's all I am saying.

- I think the moral of the
story,

what we can just say is

that Mark's just really
manipulative and I think

that before we jump to
conclusions
and jump to decisions--

- Nah Lydia, see the thing is,

in past relationships with me,

I've always given the girl
the benefit of the doubt,

and it's always backfired on me

and I've ended up wasting
another 6 months

of my life believing
them and living a lie.

So do I waste another six months
of my life believing Lucy,

but sort of thinking in
the back of my mind hmmm.

- Lydia, what do you think?

Do you think I'm like that?

- I don't care.

Seriously, Lucy,

I think we need a little bit of
a break.

So--

- You fucking idiot.

- I'm the fucking idiot?

- [Narrator] Next time
on The Only Way Is Essex.

Is it all pain and no gain for
Gemma?

- Careful of those things Gemma,

you'll give me a black eye with
those.

- [Narrator] And will Arg
choose bromance over romance?

- Who's leading you astray?

Fucking idiot.

- [Narrator] And is this the
easiest way

to relieve that stubborn itch?

- He's scratching his under
carriage with a credit card.

[screaming]

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real,

and anything can happen
on The Only Way Is Essex.

[upbeat music]