All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S03E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

big watches and awkward moments.

The tans you see might be fake
but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been set up purely
for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is
Essex."

- Let's unlock the cage to love.

[laughs]

- Oh my god.

- This is when you run and get a
prenup.

[laughs]

- I just gotta sort of
clear my head with Sam now

and just move on.

- At the moment,

I'm just trying to get over her

and I'm just findin' it hard.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Good morning, ladies and
gentlemen,

this is James "Arg" Argent,

the sun is shining and
the birds are singing.

[upbeat music]

- Mind yourself.

I don't think you wore
the appropriate attire,

did you, really?

- Seven-inch heels definitely
wasn't right for the farm.

- See, I came like a farmer,

you've come like glamorpuss.
- I didn't realise,

I didn't know Mister Darcy
had completely changed

and gone on an actual farm.

- [Lydia] Mister Darcy!

[pig oinks]

He's got so fat, hasn't he?

- [Lucy] He looks happy.

- It was just time for
him to move on really,

and I just think he is
so much happier here,

and he has got all the grass

and he was getting so aggressive
as well, because the pigs,

when they're born,

you're supposed to get
their bits chopped off,

if you don't want them to breed.

But if you don't do it, then it
means

that they get all aggressive,

because they just want
to spread their love.

A bit like Mark Wright really.

[Lucy laughs]

So last night was really
awkward,

because me and James went
for a nice romantic dinner,

he was like, "I'm gonna take you
out,

"'cause obviously you like
to shop and everything".

He was like, "to celebrate."

Candlelit, champagne, beautiful
dinner

and we're sittin' there and
we're eatin' out dessert

and all of a sudden Mark walks
in.

- Three's a crowd.

- Yeah, three is definitely a
crowd.

I was like taxi for one please.

And it was just so awkward
'cause he was like,

ah, Lauren's gone to a singles
night

and I think that it's unfair

that she's, like, movin' on so
quickly.

He said something along those
lines.

But you can't be like angry or
upset

in the fact that she's
movin' on so quickly

because you didn't
exactly treat her right.

- It's like he's suddenly
changed and he wants

to do all this morally right
stuff

like be celibate for 40 days

but that doesn't mean Lauren
can't go

and do what she wants to do.

- I think it's all an act.

I'm sorry, I just don't buy it.

- How did you think my singles
night went the other night?

- Gem, I thought it went
brilliant.

- I am so passionate about this,
Harry,

and I know once I have
got that fire in my belly,

I know I will make it a success.

- Did you see Maria and Mick?

- I did.

- All I could say to
myself was what the fuck?

It didn't make sense to me,

because it was a 50 year
old good looking stud

with some really weird looking
thing.

It didn't make sense.
- The thing is,

the thing is though, I
think Maria is too much

of a diva for Mick.

He ain't gonna put up
with that for too long.

Do you think something was going
on then?

No.

- Oh, hello happy birthday!

- Oh thanks, wow.

- Hello babe you alright.
- You okay?

- [Lauren P.] Oh, thank you.

All right, how are you?

- Yeah I'm good.

- Do you want a glass of
champagne?

- Oh yeah.
- Little champers already.

- Why not, it's what I do best.

- You been all right?
- Yeah, yeah, you?

- Yeah, you smell nice?
- Do I?

Thanks.

- Cheers.

- Something for your new flat,
babes.

- Oh my gosh, it's when
we dressed up as whores.

- [Lauren G] Well you look
really nice.

- [Lauren P] Thank you.

- [Maria] So what are you
doing for your birthday?

- Paintballing [laughs].

- It's your 12th birthday, yeah?

- Yeah, it's your 12th birthday,
babes.

Are you gonna invite Kirk?

I'll be like chasing him like.

- He's gone out of his
way to try and be friends,

and the singles party we got on
alright.

- I definitely think he still
loves you.

At Jessica's party he
kept like looking over

the whole time, you
could see it in his face.

I think he was findin'
it quite hard seein' you.

[upbeat music]

- It's nice.

- It's really relaxing, I'm
loving it.

Anyways you was getting
on with Lauren alright

the other night.

I was quite happy to see you two
like that

- Yeah, I'm happy now.
- After the break up.

- No, we are friends now, which
is good,

and I was over the moon
when like I got asked to go

to her party you know?

It shows she's being mature,
'cause she is

and I have just got to do the
same.

- Good, that's what you got to
do, do you know who's going?

- [Kirk] It will probably
be the usual gang won't it.

- [Mick] Think Maria's gonna be
going?

- I seen yas the other day,
how is that getting on?

- We got on really well
actually, with Maria.

Yeah, I've always been like
holding back

with talking to her because
of your history with her.

- Not my history, our history.

It wasn't one sided, was it?

- No, of course it wasn't.

But yous two together, so
I've always been reserved,

I never really had much
chance to talk to her,

but we got on quite well.

She sent me a text
afterwards to say thanks

for making our sort of
conversation comfortable.

- Brilliant.

Shall I get on the floor,
you can just kick me

as well while I'm down?

Do you wanna do that?

- Why?

- Just, I couldn't imagine you
being

with Maria after the stuff she
said

about me, you, and the club to
be honest.

- Oh don't worry about
things like that, mate.

- Oh brilliant, cool.

- [Mick] You've gotta let
bygones be bygones haven't ya.

- [Kirk] What about when
someone pisses up me club

and then we just let them piss
on us?

- Oh here we go.

- I just thought it was weird
though,

'cos there was some other nice
girls there

I reckon you could have been set
up with.

- Well I didn't have
much choice over that,

your key fits a lock and
that's how it is, isn't it?

But then obviously after
we had a conversation,

we got on quite well.

- Oh brilliant, that's the
second time you've said that
now.

- I'm just sayin' as it is.

- Yeah, did yous get on well
then did ya?

- Yeah, we got on really well.

- Yeah, I know you just said it
twice.

- Press the keyboard and
see if it makes a noise.

[keyboard clicks]
See, that I hate

'cause everyone listening
can hear that clicking.

You've gotta think of it
like you're making love

to a good woman.

You press it firmly but fairly

and silently, go on.

- So firmly but fairly but
silently.

- Silent.

Did ya hear it?

- Nope.

- Perfect, that's exactly what
you want.

Your job is to deliver something

that will make people's
day better through music.

- And I believe I can do that.

I'm musically gifted, I'm a
singer,

you know, I know how to play
songs,

I've got that and I've got
the personality to do it.

I just think I've got
all the materials to be

the best radio presenter ever.

I just wanna cheer people
up and make a difference.

- Oh I think you're
gonna make a difference.

- Let's do it.

- What does Mario think of Mark?

- He has given me some rules.

- What's your rules?

- If Mark's in a club that
I'm in, I've got to leave.

And he doesn't want me
around Mark's family.

And that's quite hard for me

because I get on with
Jess really, really well.

It just makes me feel awkward.

- 'Cos you don't what them
to think you're being rude.

- I don't want to be rude,

but I don't want to piss Mario
off.

But the other day Nicola
Goodyer came up to us,

me and Mario.

And I was like, really like oh
god,

what is she gonna say to me?

She just said but I do think
you owe my sister an apology,

and then like had a bit of a go
at me.

And at first I was like, no,
I'd never apologise to her,

'cos the thing is, me and
Lauren have such a history

and we've said some horrible
things to each other.

I don't really feel like
I will hurt anything

by apologising, but I
have kind of like sat back

and thought about it, and do
you know what, maybe I do.

[upbeat music]

- How's the lingerie boutique
goin'?

- Yeah, it's goin' well.

Like, I never thought that
I'd actually get the point

where I was opening up a shop.

Obviously everyone in
the family's involved.

You're sort of involved even

though I haven't seen you
set foot in there once.

- As soon as you said
the word underwear shop,

I went, "I'm in, cha-ching,
done."

- So I do all the hard work

and then you come in the last
minute

and perv over everyone?

Sounds great.

- Sounds great to me.

I'll be like Simon Cowell
sittin' in me chair,

no, yes, and if it's a yes

and she's good lookin' enough,
celibacy

could be cracks right down the
middle.

- Mario's over there.

- So at singles night,
Mick's key fitted your lock.

- That sounds so cheesy.

- It was so cheesy!

It was so embarrassin'.

- Would you go there?

- You like an older guy, don't
ya?

- No, everyone thinks
I like an old rich man.

No, I don't.

I usually go about 30, 32.

- A bit more mature.

- [Maria] How old is he?

- [Lauren P] 42, early 40s?

- Is that too old?

- No.

- I'm tryin' to work out if he
is closer

to my parents age or mine,

'cause that's kinda the
definitive.

- How old is your mum and dad?

- Yeah.

- My mum is 58?

Am I a bit young?

But I am older than Kirk, I'm
25.

- And he's a nice and lovely guy
as well.

- So nice.

- Yeah, he's a really nice guy.

How do you think Kirk would
feel about that though?

- Make him call me mum.

- No.
[Maria laughing]

Don't.
- Mummy.

It'd be a bit weird.

Imagine Sunday dinner with the
Norcrosses.

- Oh my gosh.

- If Lauren gets back with Kirk,

that would be probably.

- Hi daughter.
- Hi mum.

- Might even take her out
for dinner, who knows.

- Oh my god, brilliant.

I'll get a table next to
you, I'll cause havoc.

- [Mick] Well, you won't be
there.

- Oh I'll find out.

- I might cook for her at home
then.

- You live next door to me.

- Well I'll make sure
you go out one night.

What's the matter with ya?

- Why would you want to take her
out?

- Dunno.

- Is it just because of
what happened between us,

you think it would be funny?

- No, not at all, what do you
actually think I do things

to wind you up?

Do you actually think I wanna
wind you up?

- If there was anyone that
was very horrible to you Dad

and wanted to ever get
with me, I wouldn't.

My family comes first, number
one.

If anyone ever said a bad
word about your or my family,

I would never talk to them.

- Oh come off it.

- I promise dad.

My family comes first, if
someone.

- Well, you're talking to Maria
now

'cause I've seen you talking
so you've got over that.

- No, no, I've not got over
that.

- [Mick] Things happen for a
reason.

- I say hello and bye.

- Well that's fine then.

- You know, just to behold her.

I don't say, oh, hello.

Do you wanna go shag me dad?

- No, you leave it to me
Kirk, I know what I am doing.

- I don't think you do sir.
- Yeah I do, son.

- Sugar daddy comes to mind.

- Really?

- [Kirk] Yeah.

- [Mick] And why would you think
that?

- I don't know.

- That's me done anyway.

I'm gonna and pump some iron.

- Alright, see you in a bit.
- Are you gonna do a bit more?

- Yeah, I'll come over in a
minute.

- Right, I'll see you

in a minute, yeah?
- Bye.

[upbeat music]

- [Mark] It's Mario, ain't it?

- Yeah, Mark?

- [Mark] Yeah, how you
doing mate, you all right?

- Not too bad, you?

- [Mark] Nice to meet ya.

- I was hoping to bump into you.

- You alright, yeah?

- Yeah, not too bad.

One thing I've got to talk to
you about.

- Go on, talk to me.

- [Mario] Lucy.

- Right, come on.

- All right, I've not
got a problem with you

in any shape or form,

you're a nice boy.
- Likewise, yep.

- But at the same time I want
you to respect the fact now,

I'm with Lucy.

- Yeah, I respect that.

- Yeah?

So it's like you gotta think,
right,

if the shoe was on the other
foot,

I know all this stuff comes out.

I know what Essex is like.

- Yeah, of course.

- Rumours, rumours, rumours.

So I'm not gonna lie, I've asked
her

to not talk to you when she is
out.

Bit immature on my point,

but if you were in the same
situation.

- Yeah, course.

- As soon as you two say
hello, it escalates back

to me as something more
than that and I get upset.

- To be, I'm sorry you feel
threatened

by the fact that, to do with me
and Lucy.

You don't need to.

I was with Lucy ages ago, only
seeing her,

I stopped seeing her 'cause
I didn't like her anymore.

It's not really me you
need to be talking to

to stay away from me, if
anything you need to tell her

to not to talk to me.

- I've already done that.

- Okay, cool, well,
I've got no interest in.

- That's alright then.

As long as we're clear on that.

- Yeah, no, 100%.

- Me and you will always see eye
to eye,

if it continues like it has done

then obviously we'll fall out.

- Anything you ever wanna
ask me, is this true,

are you talking to her,
I'll tell you straight up.

- Perfect, yeah.

- Respect it.

- [Mario] Thanks for coming
over.

- No worries at all,
nice to meet you, yeah.

- Nice to meet you, mate.

[upbeat music]

- [Joey] Frank.

- Oh Joe.
- What?

- Are you being serious?

You can't wear that!

- Why?

- 'Cos you aint got a top on.

- What else am I gonna do?

- T-shirt and real jeans.

- Sweet, I look alright though
don't I?

Like a cool Reem solider.

- Just the hat, I think
you need to lose the hat.

- Why?

- It's like says come and shoot
me now.

- I'm gonna take my hat off
'cause it's really annoying me

but, yeah, there was
something I was gonna talk

to you about.

Basically.
- Yeah.

- I don't know if you know,

but I wanna move out.

Like, I just don't
wanna live here no more.

- Why though?

- 'Cos I wanna get mine,

I want a bit more of me space
and like,

do you know what I mean, like?

But you know I've wanted to move
out

since I was like 17?

- Yeah, I know you always talk
about it

but it's never happened, has it?

- Yeah, I know but now I'm 21,

and I'm 21, I need to move out
big time.

- Do you feel like you're
ready to right now like?

- [Joey] Yeah, definitely.

- That you're more grown up?

- Definitely, 100%.

- [Frankie] Do you?

- Yeah.

- Say if something happens

and you need someone to
be there like two minutes.

Are you prepared to pay all the
bills,

like get 'em on time

'cos you do know if you
don't pay your bills.

Say if you don't pay your
electric bills,

you got no electric, like, none.

They just cut it off.

- Well I'll pay it.

- You know you need to have a
licence

to have a television in your
house?

- Really?

- [Frankie] Yeah.

- What if I just bring a TV in
your house

and just put it up and turn it
on.

- [Frankie] No.

- How do you get it?

- I don't know, you have to ask
daddy.

See, that's what I mean.

I don't even know, I'm 24.

- I haven't got a television
test like [mumbles]

watchin' the TV.

- Just watch telly you
have to have a licence.

Gas bills, if you got gas,
like, obviously electric.

Water, you know like if you
try and flush the toilet,

that costs money?

- Really?

- Yeah, you have to pay for
that.

- Oh god that is a liberty.

- Nothing's free.

And then you have to pay rent.

Anyway, I will miss ya but I'm
really proud of ya all right?

- [Joey] Yep.

- Do you wanna go paint balling
now?

- [Joey] Yeah, come on then.

- Come on, kiss, kiss.

I love ya.
- I love ya too.

- Proud of ya.

- Guys, the last song
reminds me of Marbella,

you know, like all the girls
tanned up,

the boys dressed to the nines,

there was champagne flowing
non-stop,

everyone was doing shots.

I was singing at Nikki Beach,
everyone would come down

to watch me, and, you
know, there's Dirty Dancing

on the dance floor, so everyone
is bumping

and grinding the night away.

The girls out there are pretty
amazing.

There was bikinis, and they were
literally

like a piece of string some
of the bottoms and stuff that.

- Arg, Arg, you can't talk
about half naked girls

on hospital radio.

No one's interested in Marbella

when they're tryin' to recover.

You just need to calm things
down a bit.

- Yeah, but all I'm doing
is getting into the zone

and getting a feel for it and
you know, I'm finding my feet.

- Yeah, but not being funny
mate,

you're not Chris Moyles,
and you're not Chris Evans,

you might as well be Christopher
Robin.

- Who's Christopher Robin?

- It doesn't matter who
Christopher Robin is,

it's a character from a
while ago, but look it up,

can you just calm things down a
bit?

Think patients, think
people that are unwell

and talk about things
that your mum and dad

would wanna hear.

- Yeah, but I thought
I'd be cheering 'em up,

give 'em something to look
forward to, have a bit of laugh.

- I'm sure that if they
are 80 years of age

and in hospital,

they are not gonna be
looking forward to Marbella.

Think Chelmsford, Chelmsford
is the new Marbella.

- So you have been to see Mr.
Darcy

but has his father been to see
him?

- James just abandoned him,

as soon as he got fat
James he abandoned him,

which I don't know how he could
do that

because I didn't abandon
James when he got fat.

So you know what he's like, he
loses interest in everything.

- He does Lydia.

- Like he has lost interest
in his singing career now

and he's decided he
wants to be a radio DJ.

- No.

- Yeah this is his first day
today.

- Oh good, I mean the
only problem with that,

is that he is sitting down
all day, ain't he, again?

- Maybe he can get like a
treadmill underneath the desk

and he can be doing
treadmilling while he's talking.

- Yeah, that'd be a really good
idea,

one of those walking machines,

so he's walking like that
with his headphones on.

[Debbie panting]
[Lydia laughing]

You're very lucky that
you are the way you are

'cos you can eat what you want

and stay as skinny as that
really

but you've got a fast metabolism

but James, you know, he's
just, that's his genes.

That's his makeup.

So he's always gonna struggle
with it

and you've really gotta
support him on that, Lydia,

with the exercisin'.

- Yeah, no, definitely.

- I mean, I was thinkin'
the other day Lydia,

what's gonna happen you
finally have babies together?

- Oh my god, I can't even think.

Our kids would be absolutely
awful.

They'd be the ugliest kids in
school.

They'd have big frizzy blonde
curly hair.

A big nose, the flattest chest
ever,

fat legs, they'd be absolutely
crutters.

We can't have kids.

We're gonna have to adopt.

[upbeat marching music]

- What's going on peeps, we
ready?

[people laughing]

What?

- [Chloe] Oh, Joey.

- I'm a serious guy.

- [Chloe] Where did you get
them?

- I'm gonna be taking yous all
out, mate.

You are all gonna get done.

I'm a serious guy.

I'm taking this serious.

You is all like glammed up.

- Stupid, stupid, stupid if you
ask me.

[people cheering]

You alright?

- You alright?

- So after like the other night,

like all the arguing and stuff,

I feel like we're gonna
see each other a lot

so I think we should clear the
air.

- That's what I tried
doin' the other night,

but you said I'm boring and
walked off.

- No, I was just jokin',

but it wasn't the right like
situation,

and nor is this, like
today's not a good time,

but maybe like.

- You actually think we
should actually sit down

and have a serious conversation
instead

of telling me to bore off?

- I think we should,
because everywhere we go,

we see each other and it's
just, do you know what I mean,

and it's like a bad vibe.

- Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, I'll sit down and talk.

- Yeah?

You look stupid by the way.

- [Joey] You look stupid,
you look too glam.

[people cheering]

- What was that?

What was that about?

- I dunno she just sorta like,

she wants to talk to me again,

the other night when we spoke in
Mojos,

she said she wants another
little talk

because obviously we didn't sit
down

and properly talk, did we?

And now she's coming
to come and talk to me.

- Well done man, don't
shoot her today though.

- Nah, she's gonna get shot.

- You're gonna shoot her?
- Yeah.

- We'll both get here, yeah?
- 100%, I've got to shoot.

- Right, let's go paintballing,
[cheers].

[upbeat music]

[metal clanks]

- [Mark] You alright dad?

- You alright, you want a tea
or coffee or another drink?

- Nah, I'm alright for
the minute, actually.

- You sure?

- Yeah, good, I've just a had
[mumbles].

No I just thought I'd come and
talk to you

about what's been going on at
the moment,

obviously with Lauren and that.

Obviously you're aware, but I
just.

- I am more than aware,
I've had it eight years.

- 10, no, just like, I just
wanna ask your opinion,

I mean I've been doing
this thing like trying

to find myself, and being on my
own

and being a bit lonely
and doing things like yoga

and stuff like that.

But I just feel like I
am not being me enough,

do you know what I mean?

- Well, how many times
have we spoke about this

in the past?

Lauren's life is messed
up, you've messed it up.

She's now messed your life up.

Between both of yas you should
have sorted it out years ago,

you can't, it's finished.

- I have been trying to get over
her

for the last few weeks, and
I've been sitting on me own,

and I'm here to say to you do
you think I'm goin' about it

in the right way, basically?

- No.

- [Mark] What, you think, I
should be.

- Not at all.

You need to be going out with
the boys,

not clubbing 'til three,
four in the morning,

meeting different girls,
'cause your girls are all

in the same circle.

And you get back in the
same rut every time.

And I keep telling you it,
you know, I'm sick of it.

I'm really, we're all sick
of it, the whole family.

- I am not getting back
with her, dad, it's done.

- Mark, listen I have heard

that 2,000 times.
- Trust me dad, trust me dad.

This time it's done.

She already.
- If I'd been paid

for every time that you had
said it, I'd be a happy man.

- Dad, you don't understand.

- I'm not puttin' Lauren
down, I love Lauren to death,

but it's not worked.

And after I see her last
week at Jess's party, yeah?

She was all jovial, she
was enjoying herself

with her friends.

You walked in, your face
is as long as a kite,

no one can talk to you.

You are jumping down everyone
throat.

I am only glad there's a
dog involved at the moment,

who I love to death, and not a
baby.

Do what you've gotta do, please.

- Well, Mark Wright's
coming back, trust me.

- Well get out and do it then,
be you,

go and enjoy yourself, enjoy
life.

- I'm goin' back out there to be
me again

and that's all there is to it.

- Please do it and go and make
me proud.

- Well, I am gonna go
and see Jess now anyway,

and talk about lingerie, so
I'll speak to you later on.

Yeah, thanks for that dad.

- Be careful, be careful.
- Speak to you later on.

[distant dog barking]

[gentle tapping]

- [Jess] Hi Luce, how are you?

- Alright, I'm good.

How are you?

- [Jess] Good, thank you.

- Oh Jess, this feels so weird?

- What 'cause I am opposite
Mark?

- Opposite Mark.

- I know, quick get in.
[Lucy laughing]

Did you know that I am
opening up a lingerie shop?

- No.

- [Jess] Yeah, I am.

- Oh, how exciting.

- I know it's so exciting.

But we're doing a launch night
for it,

and I'm gonna do like a
fashion show and everything.

Obviously you are invited
but I wanted to know

if you would maybe model
some of the lingerie?

- Is everyone gonna be there?

- Yeah, like everyone's gonna be
there,

and I'm kind of like working
on a few of the other girls

as well to see it they will do
it,

but obviously in Marbella you
looked great

in a bikini and I just
think you'll look lovely.

- I have done modelling and
stuff.

I've never done underwear,
that's the thing.

I dunno.

- [Jess] I know, it's a bit
daunting.

- The thought of my bum
shaking down the catwalk

in front of everyone.

- Your bum won't shake.

I'll show you some of it,

and then you can like get a
better idea.

For instance I've got like
little.

- That's really nice,

but don't know if I could wear a
thong.

I get all like dimples
in my bum when I walk.

I do!

- [Jess] No you don't,
right okay, I've got.

- But they're really cute.

- So has he said why he
actually wants to move out?

- No, he just said like he
things he's,

he thinks that when you're
20, that you should move out

and just have my own place, like
the boys.

That's what he said.

- So typical of him, isn't it?
- I know.

I think he's ready to, I think
it really,

it is his time.

- I'd love to get involved.

Try and stop me, I'm
well bit of a busy Lizzy.

Busy Lizzy in Joey's new house.

- You can't make it too girly.

We've gotta make it a bit,
obviously,

bachelor pad-ish.

- No, we'll just guide him.

Like it's gonna be his place.

You know what he's like.

He won't listen

to everything we say.
- No, but he's got good taste

ain't he, to be fair.

- But like all the boring stuff
like bills

and like cooking and things like
that

then we can help him and teach
him, eh?

[engine rumbling]

- Think you could get away
with that one actually,

and if you think about it,
it's just like you being

like on the beach in Marbella in
a bikini.

It's just a bit different, it's
underwear.

- It's a bit more black and
lacy.

- A little bit sexier, alright
fine.

- Okay, shall I just try some
stuff on

and let's see how comfortable I
feel.

- Okay, good idea.

Thanks Luce.

- We've all gotta muck in.

- Yeah, exactly, we'll have a
laugh.

- I hope you'd do the same for
me, Jess.

- Yeah course.

- Thanks for coming for
my paintballing birthday.

I'm gonna be one team captain

and I've picked another
team captain which is Mick.

Come up here, Mick.
[people cheering]

- [All] Daddy, daddy, daddy!

- [Mick] Right, no dirty tricks,
right,

no hitting below the belt.

- We can't hit you there,

but I heard that if you hit a
girl

and she's got a boob
job then it explodes so.

- So no boobs.

- No boobs, no willies.

- Yeah, but that's a bit one
sided

'cause, we've got all the
natural girls on our side

so, we've got a bigger target.

- [Lauren P.] It wasn't planned
that way.

- So it's the naturals
against Silicone Valley.

- Pinks, we stay here,
you guys, over there.

- [Mick] Good luck.

- [Lauren P] From now it is war.

- [Mick] This is war.

[group chattering and cheering]

- [All] Who are ya?

Who are ya?

Who are ya?

[upbeat music]

- This right here is war!

- [Harry] Shoot ya later,
pussies.

- Our aim is to defend the flag.

We make sure that no one gets to
the flag

without getting blasted.

Let's do this.

[people shouting]

- [Chloe] Oh no, I'm not ready
for this,

I'm really not ready.

[upbeat music]
[paintball guns popping]

- [Lydia] I don't like violence

- [Mick] Go out there.

They're gonna come and get us.

I'm under attack, I need some
cover

- [Lauren P] Get behind your
range.

[woman screams]
[paintballs popping]

- [Joey] I'm making an escape.

[paintballs popping]

- [Harry] It's in my hair.

- [Lauren G] My heart's going.

- [Billie] I know.

- [Joey] Harry, come on what
you doing, you doughnut.

[upbeat music]

- [Lauren P.] Sam get Harry.

[paintballs popping]

- [Sam] I got him.

[woman shouts]

- [Marie] Don't shoot me.

There's no bullets.

[upbeat music]
[paintballs popping]

Ah, I've been shot!

- [Kirk] Game over guys, game
over!

[people cheering]

- [Lauren] See the pinks are the
best!

The pinks are the best, well
done!

- How's my war paint
looking, is it alright?

- Yeah it's alright, how's mine?

- Well, I think you look
good like that, I like it.

- Are you sure?

- It is hard going isn't it?

It's good fun though ain't it?

- Yeah, I look like a mess now
though.

It took all my extensions out.

- Yeah what's happened?

- Yeah, I got shot in the
head, I think it was you!

- I got shot in the head,
no, you shot me in the head.

Do you know what I feel a little
bit

like I wanna go out with ya,

and like ask if you want
to come for a drink with me

or something like that.

But I feel like I got to
think about Kirk all the time

and I don't think I
should be doing that now.

- Why do you have to think about
him?

- I dunno, well, because
he is my son, isn't he?

And like yous two have had a
bit of a history, haven't you?

Like, a few arguments and what
have ya.

- Yeah, but, you know, we
are all grown ups, ain't we?

- Well, I'm grown up.

Are you grown up?

- Yeah, probably not as grown up
as you.

[Maria laughing]

- No, not quite, you
will be though one day.

- Yeah, one day.
- Yeah, I'm sure you will be.

- How old are you?
- 48

- 48?

- That's old, isn't it?

- Are you are 48?

- Yeah, I am 48, how old are
you?

- 25.

- You know, so I do go
out for drinks and that

with people of your age.

So I do think too much about
Kirk really

and I shouldn't do, I
should think of myself.

I suppose I am gonna have
to talk to him anyway

and let him know that I am
thinking about taking you out

for a drink.

- So you're just thinking about
it then?

- Well, no I want to, but I
don't know.

I'm a bit twitchy about the
whole thing, I shouldn't be,

but I am, and it's only
where Kirk's concerned.

But, well, I will ask, would
you like to come for a drink?

- Yeah.

- [Mick] You would?

- Yeah.

- Oh cool, that's the easy bit
done now,

I've got the hard bit to do, I
have to talk to him about it,

not ask him but just tell him.

- Is he gonna, he's
gonna go sick ain't he?

- 'Cause he will bring
up all sorts of excuses,

it's about age, or it's
about you've had an argument

or whatever, but I think he
needs to get over all that stuff

to be honest with ya.

- Wow, you look great.

You look really good.

- [Lucy] Oh, do you think?

- Yeah, you look lovely.

Oh, god it's so exciting
seeing my underwear on you

and like thinking about the
show now, it's getting exciting.

- I dunno, Jess, it feels
like a bit racy though

to be in front of everyone
wearing this.

- I know what you mean, but like
trust me,

there's a lot racier than this.

- [Lucy] The set is beautiful
Jess.

- [Jess] Thank you.

- [Lucy] Really, really lovely.

- What will Mario say?

He's gonna be like, thanking
his lucky stars that night.

- Well, yeah he's either gonna
proud

or pissed off, I reckon.

Do you think I should tell
him, or like spring it on him?

- Oh, I'd probably just
like come out wearing it

on the catwalk, and then
he's not gonna get angry,

'cos look at you.

- Oh, god, I don't want him
kicking off.

- You look lovely.
[Lucy sighs]

- [Maria] Kirk.

- [Kirk] Yeah?

- [Maria] Can I have a
little chat with you?

- [Kirk] Yeah, what's up?

- [Maria] Can put the guns down
first?

- Yeah, yeah, let's put 'em
down, let's put them over here.

Bit hot ain't it?

What's up to make me put my gun
down.

- Basically, you know obviously
we did the singles night

and you know who I got paired
with?

- Yeah, me dad.

- I get on really well with him.

- Yeah, I see where this going.

- Oh, he's asked me if I
wanna go for a drink with him.

- See, you know what,
my dad is a man who does

what he wants, but I just find
it weird,

you're younger than my brother.

- Yeah, but I am two, I am older
than you.

- Yeah, no, it's cool.

It's just, you know what, it
weird,

I think it would be weird for
any son

in that situation for.

Sort of, you know what, I've
gone beyond sort of caring

who me dad goes out with.

It was only me trying to look
out for him.

You know what I mean?

He's been in too failed.

- I'm not gonna do anything bad
like.

- I'm not saying you are.

But I'd prefer my dad
to be with say a woman

who's already got kids,
experienced life and that.

But, you know what, it's
the way life is, innit?

I'm just a kid and I'm
looking out for my dad,

that's the only thing I'm
bothered about.

- No, that's nice and I
respect you for that, you know,

it's like I was looking out for
Lauren

and you are looking out for your
dad.

- Yeah, yeah, brilliant.

As long as you make him smile,
you know.

Be careful because if
you get a bit [whistles],

he might have a heart attack,
you know?

- Oh my god, we haven't
even been on a date yet.

- I'm just saying though,
you know how Essex rolls.

But you know what, no,
you know what, I am fed up

with arguing, caring and
stuff like that, you know?

As long as everyone's happy, I
am happy.

- No, well, is that it then?

No more arguing.
- Well luckily

I didn't have me gun.

No, no arguing, just don't be.

He's me dad, I look up to my dad
you know.

- Well, you know you
might be at the wedding.

- Ah fuck that mate, where's me
gun?

- As long as there's no thongs
I'm good.

- I wouldn't be doing
a thong either, no way.

Let me get another few bits,
hang on.

- [Mark] Oh shit, this
probably ain't the right time.

- What you doing here?

- You're looking smoking
by the way, see you later.

- Jess?

- What are you doing?

- Your brother just walked in.

- [Jess] What?

- Your brother just walked in.

- What happened, like what did
he say?

- I thought it was you, I
turned round and it was him.

[Jess laughs]

Oh my god, I am actually
shaking oh my god.

- Did he see you?

- You never said he was coming
round.

- I didn't know he was coming
in.

Oh my god.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time on
"The Only Way is Essex".

Will Mark respect Mario's rules?

- I'm with Lucy.

- Yeah, I respect that.

Lookin' smokin' by the way.

- [Narrator] Will DJ
Arg rock the hospital?

And will the Essex Salute
be the next big thing?

- [Harry] Shoot ya later,
pussies.

- [Narrator] Who knows,
because anything can happen.

- Wow, you look great.

- [Narrator] On "The Only Way Is
Essex".

[upbeat music]