Original subtitles

Get away from my death.

Have you paid this?

You see, this is why I got you an in -tray. Things you haven't dealt with yet

here. Oh, is that what that's for?

Anyway, that's Sebastian's job.

Not if it's not in my in -tray.

This. You are invited to the scene of the crime.

Hey, give me that.

Who's Olivia?

Dear Frank, Olivia is desperate, underlined, to see you.

Olivia Bluebell, who went to school together.

Olivia. Olivia.

Bluebell. Casting director for the RSC.

I don't know. I mean, she liked drama and that.

Yeah, she was Juliet in the six -form play.

I fell asleep.

She left me for Bill White shortly after that.

The invite's from him. He's organising some sort of murder mystery themed

reunion. You know, costumes and that sort of stuff. Oh, Frank.

Your first love. And she's desperate to see you.

I bumped into her in the street a couple of weeks ago.

She did seem a bit... What?

Nervous? No. A bit excited?

Billious.

Yeah. I mean, her and Billy have been together for years.

I'm surprised he invited me. He's always hated me.

Maybe he's mellowed in his old age.

Old? He's the same age as me.

Sorry, not to make this all about me, but I have been trying to get a meeting

with Olivia Bluebell for quite some time.

Well, we will drive you then, because it's in the middle of nowhere. I could

learn a monologue, just in case. I'm going to stop you right there.

I am not going.

I look daft. Not bad for a 1920s policeman on a day's notice.

Yeah, it's a good thing if you make her laugh, right?

They must be stinking rich.

Oh, yeah.

Bill invented the world's first unblockable toilet.

I've always wanted one of those, but they're a bit pricey on the night. You

should eat more fibre.

The crisps count.

Nice car.

Oh.

That's Paul Belch.

He was Bill's sidekick at school.

Where's his costume?

Are you a bit nervous?

You know neither of you two are invited, right?

Yeah. Well, we'll walk you to the door.

Why do you want me to the mucky? My lad is dead.

Is that Olivia?

Wow. Let's go.

I told you, no costumes.

Bill says he dares you to wear it.

You know how he hates running late. Come on.

Oh,

Frank.

I didn't know you were coming.

Me neither.

I mean, me too.

I'll just go. No.

Hello. I'm Lou.

I'm Frank. Olivia.

I'm so sorry. How rude of me. No, no. And this is Sebastian Brudenell.

Well,

how nice to meet you both.

Come on in.

I'm sure we can find an extra couple of parks. Really?

Oh, OK.

OK, then. Come on in.

Bags and coats there.

You'll have to hand over your phones and car keys.

Bill is paranoid about people cheating.

Really? Don't worry, it's not that kind of party.

Look at your junction.

You always could make me laugh.

You look beautiful.

Lovely, really.

It's Bill's idea.

You know, I wanted to say something when we bumped into each other.

Maybe later.

At your service, ma 'am.

Well, let me take you through.

Please,

at your service.

Pull yourselves together.

All this over some toilet?

It's only a game, Hannah.

I need some air.

Isn't that the politician, Hannah Villamil? Frank, glad you could make it.

And who are these?

Frank's wife and son came. Isn't that nice? No, he's not my wife. He's not my

son. Am I old enough? Would that work? I don't think so. I'm...

I'm Lou, I'm Frank's business partner, and I'm also the designated driver

tonight. So, yeah, so Frank is very single.

I mean, single, just, well, normal single, yeah.

And you're also a PI, are you? I'm a rather trained actor.

And I also work for them.

Sebastian is a wonderful actor. I think, actually, he's going to be amazing at

your game. I think you're going to be really impressed.

Well, an entire PI firm turn up at my murder mystery party. I suppose I should

be flattered.

But I don't have parts for you two.

I told them that we'd make it work.

You told them about your rule?

Come on, let me get you some costumes. Oh, you have a costume.

So, uh...

Where's the rest of the fixed form, then?

Eugene's on his way.

Eugene Bottom?

From bottom to top lawyer, would you believe it?

He's been helping me with my will.

We should have a quiet word.

I'll be honest.

I'm the one who was desperate to see you, and I used Olivia as bait.

Why? Let's just say you'd be doing me a favour if you'd just keep an eye

on her tonight in your professional capacity.

I'm sorry, Bill. I don't really feel comfortable with that. I can recommend

somebody else.

Yeah. Your scruples do you credit.

See, never kicked the habit. I started on the music block roof.

That'll be Eugene.

Eugene! You remember Frank? Of course.

How are you?

Well, you come as... Oh.

Eugene Bottom.

Frank Hathaway.

I didn't realise this was a party for losers and hangers -on.

You still afraid of heights? Come on, Paul. Play nice.

If you're the butler, belch.

I'll have a drink.

Yes, you can serve us all a drink in a moment. The key, please, that you may

have. Thank you.

Would you show them through to the drawing room, darling?

Of course.

Isn't it good that we're all together? It's been so long.

This

is

not a reunion.

It's a job.

Bill wants me to watch Olivia.

Really? Well, what did you say?

No. I don't want to get involved in their marital disputes.

As soon as dinner's finished, we're out of here.

What about me?

Olivia Bluebell is one of the most powerful women in British theatre.

Don't worry, you've still got plenty of time to impress her.

She's not giving me much to work with.

What are you?

An aunt?

Dinner is served.

I hope you're all ready for this.

Five minutes behind schedule. Come along, everyone.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Frank, Paul, Eugene, you remember Hannah?

Long time no see.

Too fancy for us, eh?

For you.

You too.

I hear about you in the news sometimes.

I don't get as much coverage as I should.

Oh, really?

I feel like I see you everywhere.

Oh, sorry, I'm Lou. I'm Frank's... I'm the maid.

Not his maid.

He's single.

So, gaspacho.

It's been a favourite of mine since our honeymoon, and Olivia kindly agreed to

make it for us tonight.

It's not really 1920s, of course, but it is blood red.

Well, let's just hope you eat it tonight.

What? He's been on a diet lately.

In preparation for the next lovely lady to come along.

Oh, lucky girl.

Oh.

It's cold.

Yeah. It's gazpacho.

If it's cold.

Because it's gazpacho.

Or cold.

Cold too.

Posh people do it.

I had to wrestle them snakes. It was the only way.

Flight Commander Captain Bigglesworth reporting for duty.

I have seen some things.

Perfect.

A unique prize for the best detective.

Ah, it is 24 -carat gold.

A repurposed anniversary present, actually. I thought it was perfect,

our relationship's been going down the pan.

Even I can tell that's a bad taste. Yeah, just a bit.

Mind you, if it is a real copy, worth a fortune.

Oh, look.

Frank Hathaway. Forget not that I am enough.

Uh,

uh, Dockbury, from Much Ado, is a sort of useless copper.

Ah, that's good.

But for the game, it's good.

No cheating.

Leave that now and pour some wine, please.

That's a good chap.

So now that we're all finally here, we can commence.

At 1910 hours, in the drawing room.

My pocket watch was stolen.

Stolen? I thought this was a murder mystery party.

Ah, there are more twists in store, but for now there is a thief in our midst.

Nervous, are we?

Oh,

well, it couldn't have been me, because I was with you.

Before dinner.

In your professional capacity as a lady of the night?

Yeah, well, yes.

Ah, lucky boy, eh?

And you can corroborate that, can you?

Oh, I'll, um... I'll, um... Sorry, it's, um... Oh, it's...

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

Eugene, your alibi.

I, Bottom the Pimp, was collecting payment from Officer Hathaway.

I then went to try and organise my client, Miss Bluebell's, next trick.

Hmm, it wasn't me. I don't think even paying you would help, would it,

Bill's the most awkward in a pie so far.

Hannah!

Well, I didn't do it.

I know, because I...

Redhead. But your moment will come.

All a bit tense, isn't it?

You got something to say, dear?

Me? No. No, it's just lovely.

Lovely water.

Your alibi.

Oh, my alibi.

Well,

I haven't got a... I'm just a lowly maid. I was a

milk in a cow.

About ten past seven? I don't know.

Four. Three filling glasses.

All night.

Ah, now I think an excellent opportunity to steal a pocket watch.

Shall we vote?

Oh, uh, no, monsieur.

You forget me at your Paris.

Yes, well, I think it's running a bit late now, and we all know that you've

come back from... Indeed, I have just returned from my incredible exploit

over all the continents of the world.

However, nothing could have prepared me for what I noticed

on my way to the dining room.

You have said there is a thief among us.

But what is this?

if not evidence of a much darker crime.

What that is, is my handkerchief.

I had a nosebleed.

What, another one?

Yes.

Right, let's vote.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Honestly, nothing personal.

It's just that I think you had, like, the opportunity.

I'm too obvious.

Didn't you say there'd be, you know, another twist?

Paul, come on.

Really? It's not my fault you've got a stupid name, is it?

Right, Frank.

It's always the person you expect the least.

Huh? Oh!

So I sell my own pocket watch, Mary.

Paul, you got the most votes, so stand up, turn to page four.

I confess I'm the thief.

Bill,

have some water.

He's in plumbing.

OK,

you can stop milking it now.

See, that's the thing with amateurs. They never know when to stop.

Bill!

Oh, you.

You can't trust

that kid.

No, you can't.

He is, yes.

Dear God.

We need to call an ambulance.

I told Billy we were overdoing it.

Landline's not working. I think it's the storm.

It's an awful house.

I never wanted to move here.

Of course, Bill loved it. It was perfect for all his games.

Get justice done.

He was playing with us to the end.

Are you sure you don't know the code to the safe?

I know.

He always kept it secret.

part of his thing.

He even made us put our phones in there because he thought it was only fair.

Shall we get you a little brandy?

were helping him with his will?

He reached out to me a few months ago.

Anything I should know about it?

You know, anything unusual?

Eugene?

He said he was worried he might die soon.

Never mind an ambulance.

I've got the board of directors now that Billy's dead.

He's not even cold and you're thinking about that?

White Pumps and Plumbing is one of the biggest companies in Stratford.

Bill would have wanted a smooth handover.

What, to you?

Yes.

You should have given me the company years ago.

We can dry your crocodile tears.

Desperate for a divorce.

Bill died of natural causes.

I think he was murdered.

So what are we going to do? We're in the middle of nowhere.

I hate to say it, but if there has been foul play, it doesn't look great for

Olivia. Why?

Well, Bill says he doesn't trust her, and then he dies, and the last thing he

says is he wants you to get justice done, whatever the personal cost.

Just because Bill was worried about Olivia doesn't mean he was right.

Yeah, and she does seem genuinely upset and shocked, which is more than I can

say for some of them.

And if he was poisoned, it could have been anyone.

Paul. It can't have been the wine, because he poured it for all of us,

himself. Might have been the soup.

Gazpacho. Bless you.

I had a whole bowl of it. I didn't even like it. And now, actually, I don't

think I feel very well.

Look, calm down.

The bowls were pre -served.

Any sensible killer would put it straight into Bill's bowl and then

whatever they used.

Yeah. Any clues on the body?

No, some things don't leave a trace.

Listen, we need to keep this to ourselves.

We don't want to spread panic.

What are you, um... How dare you keep this from us!

Bill was murdered.

One of us is a killer.

I need my pills.

Look, if we all stick together, she'll be safe.

Hank. Yeah.

Shall I get rid of that?

Yeah, and any other weapons you can find.

I'm a respected politician.

I can't afford to be caught up in some scandal about a murder.

You'll die of a heart attack.

Then this murder mystery stuff will go to your head. It's true.

What evidence do you have? We're just being cautious.

I need to use the toilet. Hang on. It's an emergency.

Just go on.

All right.

Yeah.

So... You and Bill were getting a divorce, yeah?

Well, we've been unhappy for years, but that doesn't mean to say I killed him.

No, it's not funny.

So how was it, Bottom?

What? It.

Oh.

That's fine.

If you really think it was murder, Frankie boy, you should ask your ex.

I mean, Bill didn't really want to give her a divorce.

Plus, who made the soup, hmm?

What about you?

There must be a reason Bill made you the thief in the game.

He's been embezzling money from the company for years.

Where's your proof?

In Bill's last will and testament, ready to go to the board in the event of his

death. Bill made millions out of my designs. Millions.

Kept me on a miserable salary.

The unblockable toilet on me.

Toilets are all you ever think about. That's right. Ever since you lot used to

shove my face in one. That's right.

Where's Anna?

I'll go and find her.

Must have been tough being in Bill's shadow all these years.

We all were.

The rest of us moved on, Paul.

Is that so?

Have you moved on from this?

He did that back.

Is that from when Bill put you off the music block route?

Do you know, um, I don't think Bill was murdered at all.

I think your Frankie boy there's got the wrong end of his truncheon.

Hey, you know, he only became a P .I.

because he was fired.

I wasn't fired. I retired.

I was admired.

I've looked everywhere.

Even the billiard room. There's a billiard room. But I can't find it.

Look who I found trying to break into the safe.

Well, we're like fish in a barrel here.

Somebody's got to go for help. Oh, Hannah, you just want to save your own

What are you saying, Eugene?

Because I would be very careful if I were you. The only person we know is a

criminal is Paul.

And you would say that Bill wasn't murdered if you'd murdered him.

Do you want me to prove that?

No. Yes.

Oh, um, is that what I think it is?

Yep.

That's the end of Bill's clue.

See?

This is why you should have put me in charge.

Because I get things done.

Are you OK?

You, sir? You're an idiot.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, that was disgusting, but I'm... I'm fine. Oh, no!

May I, Mr Belt?

No,

I think his pulse is irregular.

We need to get to hospital. I'll check the landline.

Clear.

What are you... Oh, no, I think it actually worked.

What's that mean?

You see? See? There was definitely something in the soup.

What are you doing?

It's worth a try.

It's still dead.

The landline.

Not you.

Oh, good.

Right, this is an active crime scene. We need to get out of here and stay out of

here. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

It's all right. Come on.

Come on.

OK.

That's so stupid. Mind you, he did invent that toilet.

Will you stop fiddling with your truncheon? I'm desperate for a wee.

Then go.

Someone in here is a poisoner.

I'm starving.

You ate the soup.

Go on. Where's Sebastian?

Hannah's character, Pat. She tore a page out.

Ooh, a confession?

There was supposed to be another twist later on. Well, a murder.

Bill. No, Eugene.

I confess to pushing Eugene Bottom down the stairs.

What if it was Hannah and not Bill?

What?

When we were at college, Eugene was pushed off the roof of the music block.

Bill, Paul and Hannah used to hang out up there. Eugene went up there one day,

maybe because Bill dared him.

Either way, down he came.

landed on the bike rack, was almost impaled.

He always thought that Bill had pushed him, but there was never any proof.

Bill never denied it, though.

Do you remember when we came in, Bill and Hannah were having that row? Maybe

was about that.

Maybe she was worried that Bill was going to let everybody know what had

happened. If she did do it, that would give her a clear motive.

What about the other character packs?

Is there anything of interest?

Not that I can see.

I think we should go and talk to Hannah.

I just didn't want to play the murderer in the game, that's all.

But what about the argument you were having with Bill earlier? Something

toilets? Look, public toilets are a waste of taxpayers' money.

People can use the pub, you know, spend a literal penny.

Good for business.

Bill's business.

White pumps and plumbing service Stratford's public toilets.

And if they follow my plan, well, they'll lose the contract.

So you two had toilet trouble?

It wasn't worth trying to ruin my career over.

Were you being blackmailed?

Oh, Bill dares.

I would never even have thought to push Eugene if it wasn't for him.

And then to hold it over me all these years later when I did not poison him.

I mean, murder's hardly good at a vote winner, is it?

I did see something, though.

All right.

Don't crowd me.

Earlier, when I was looking for my handbag, I heard something in the

I assumed everyone was in the drawing room.

So I looked in and saw Eugene frantically searching for something.

He found whatever it was.

Put it in his pocket and left.

I thought I heard a noise when I was in the kitchen. He must have slipped in

after I left.

You see, Eugene doesn't know that it was me who pushed him off the roof.

And if he wants revenge... Revenge?

I'll give you revenge.

Oh, Eugene, I'm so sorry.

Let's all go and sit quietly in the drawing room, shall we?

We just want to know what you were doing in the kitchen.

It's a simple question.

She's the one who should be answering the questions.

Come clean, Bottom.

You killed Bill.

Of course he did.

You don't believe that, do you?

I forgot about the truncheon.

You won't believe me, but I felt someone attack me.

I grabbed the first thing I could.

So you're claiming self -defence?

I, um... Sorry, I just... Oh, I, um... I tripped over that third carpet.

Yes, I think you hit me on your way down. Yes, I think you probably hit me

Sorry, I just screamed because everybody else screamed.

Well, it still doesn't explain what you...

were doing in the kitchen, though.

It wasn't me.

I think I know what's been going on.

Team meeting.

Now.

Sebastian, you keep an eye on this lot.

What about team meeting?

What if Eugene is covering for someone? I really feel like there's something

going on with him and Olivia.

Like what?

I don't know, just little words and glances. Words and glances aren't

in a court of law.

We're not in a court of law.

And if Bill wouldn't grant her a divorce, then maybe she... I just think

to speak to Olivia.

Oh, sorry.

Olivia.

May I have a little word, maybe, in the library?

She's got nothing to say to you.

OK. Maybe she could tell me that herself.

No. This is what I was doing in the kitchen.

I was getting these.

For me.

I mislaid them.

Eugene saw I was struggling and he found them for me. That's all.

Mind if I take a look?

Of course.

Thanks.

Diagomenidine.

Fatal in overdose.

And this is empty.

Looks like we found our murder weapon.

Question is, which one of you did it?

I confess everything.

After what you've been through, nobody can blame you.

When you said you needed your pills, I thought you wanted me to cover up for

you. I just couldn't find them.

You both thought the other one did it.

You were covering for each other.

Why?

Because they're in love, right?

It's a bit of a leap.

She's right.

We are.

You could see how unhappy I was with Bill.

We didn't mean anything to happen, but... Bill knew you were having an

He suspected, yes.

But he thought it was with you.

Saw us in town, but two and two together made five.

So that's why there was all that stuff in the game about, you know...

I didn't know he'd invited you. Otherwise I would have warned you.

Yeah. We must be missing something.

I can't think of an empty stomach or a full bladder.

Why don't you go and try out that famous flush?

Yeah.

Hopefully it makes him feel better.

Keeler! What the hell are you doing trying to frighten me into there?

You seem a bit jumpy, Anthony.

Oh, you will be too if you're stuck in the house with a dead body.

Bill White.

Oh, do you know?

Why are you here anyway?

Anonymous tip -off.

Wouldn't normally follow it, but in this case... Take me to the body, please.

This looks bad, Frank.

Very bad.

Does it?

I mean, I know it does, but why do you think it does?

I received this at 2100 hours. I came straight away, as instructed.

And here, just as I was warned, is Bill White.

Dead.

Murdered by his love rival.

You what?

Frank Hathaway.

That's nonsense.

Who did it, then?

Odds are the person that sent you this note.

They're probably sitting in the drawing room right now.

Keeler, thank goodness.

Oh, don't get too excited.

Who thinks that killed Bill? You.

What?

Olivia Bluebell?

Yes, Keeler.

You wanted Bill gone so you and Frank could carry on your love affair,

What? No.

I bumped into Frank. We hadn't seen each other for years.

So I gave him a hug.

That's all it was.

You sure about that?

OK, I was thinking of asking him to dig up some dirt on Bill so I could get a

divorce, but I didn't in the end.

I haven't thought about Frank in that way for years.

I'm with Eugene.

I'm her lover.

That does make more sense.

But Frank didn't know that.

You strung him along.

Made him do all the dirty work for you. He was really gutted when she left him.

Cried all over his school dinner.

Uh, Joe, I didn't do it.

Well, in that case, you won't mind if I search you, then?

Oh, easy, Tiger.

Tiger Menedy.

Wait, isn't that the same stuff that was in Bill's suit?

No, listen, don't you do anything stupid.

Frank Hathaway, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

Backup should be here any minute. You know this is ridiculous.

You know, I always knew you were going to mess up, Frank.

But I must admit, I never thought it would be murder.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, indeed.

You better get yourself a very good lawyer.

Call yourself a Shakespeare scholar.

What? It's always the person you least expect.

Delaying tactics.

All right, thank you, Mr Hairy Lip. Give me a chance.

Right, from the pack.

Welcome, destruction, blood and massacre. I see, as in a map, the end of

From the note that Keeler received.

Bill White is in danger.

The end of all his hopes of his life is coming.

The end of all.

These were written by the same person.

Shakespeare? No, not just the phrase. The end of all.

What if Bill wasn't murdered?

What if he killed himself?

He wouldn't do that. Never.

But if he was going to die anyway... Exactly.

The smoker's cough.

That bloody handkerchief.

And you said he'd been losing weight recently.

Yes, that's true.

He designed the game.

so that we'd be at each other's throats.

You'd be exposed as a thief, and you'd have to confess to Eugene, putting your

career at risk.

But he didn't live to see any of that.

Yeah, the story's fallen apart, Frank.

Bill died before he expected to.

In Romeo and Juliet, Romeo has time after he takes the poison to do a whole

speech, but Bill can't have had even a whole dose, because there was still

enough gazpacho for you to have some.

And you only fainted.

But if he was already ill... He misjudged the dose.

Doesn't explain why you had the pills in your pocket.

Maybe they were planted.

In the library.

When he asked me to keep an eye on Olivia, he could have slipped them

into my pocket.

If we had been having an affair, well, the plan would have been genius.

What plan?

First, destruction.

The game.

Secrets are revealed.

Second, blood.

That disgusting tomato soup.

Third, massacre.

Belle's death.

Olivia's in the frame. You turn up, now I'm in the frame.

If only he'd talked to me.

He always had to be in control.

Even after his death.

He wanted to break you all.

That's why he took our keys and phones off us, locked them away, trapped us

here. Now, this is all just circumstantial. Not when you see they've

written on the same typewriter.

Bill's typewriter, the one with the one E.

He cut the key.

I drug.

I quit.

But with a kiss, I die.

That actually was really good. I mean, look, bravo. That was brilliant.

I wish I could help you, but I'm going back to acting myself.

Bill made me stop, but I hope to see you at an audition or something.

I've had enough of you causing trouble, Frank.

Causing trouble?

All I did was give her a hug.

Well, now there's a man dead, and I've got to question somebody about a theft.

Maybe it's not too hard on Paul. I was wanting him to invent an unsplashable

toilet seat.

Olivia's leaving casting.

I know.

We heard. I'm sorry.

You know...

I don't think Bill was as clever as he thought.

Yeah, he is not.

Because massacre, it means several people, not just one.

Yes.

Anne, he misunderstood that Dogberry quote.

Forget not that I am an ass.

Dogberry's not really a useless copper.

He saves the day in the end.

Shall we?

Oh.

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