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1
00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:04,178
[Elka]
Hot in Cleveland is recorded
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00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:06,745
in front
of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:09,313
Hey, Nicky, can you get two
coffees for table nine?
4
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:10,619
Yeah, sure.
5
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,015
Oh, my God.
6
00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:17,321
The new waiter
just touched my butt.
7
00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:19,889
Did he walk by and sort of
causally brush it with his hand?
8
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,369
Yeah!
9
00:00:21,412 --> 00:00:23,588
He did that to me by the bar,
twice.
10
00:00:23,632 --> 00:00:26,374
He'’s groping us and making it
look like an accident.
11
00:00:26,417 --> 00:00:30,552
Well, Joy, he probably thought
he was reaching for a mop.
12
00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:36,036
Where'’s Tony?
13
00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:38,212
Oh, my beautiful son is outside
on a business call.
14
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:41,171
Ladies, I have a major
announcement to make.
15
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:43,347
I have just been named
artistic director
16
00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:45,393
of the Cleveland
Studio Theater.
17
00:00:45,436 --> 00:00:46,655
- Oh!
- That'’s fantastic.
18
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:48,787
But you'’ve never
directed before.
19
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:52,095
Oh, I know,
but how hard can it be?
20
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:53,966
Directing is just
telling people what to do
21
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:56,665
and sleeping with actors.
22
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:57,927
The only downside is,
23
00:00:57,970 --> 00:01:00,277
I need investors for
my first production.
24
00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:02,323
In the theater,
we call them "angels."
25
00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:06,066
In real life,
they call them "suckers."
26
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:10,809
Ladies, I have a major
announcement to make.
27
00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:13,203
The app that I developed
just sold for millions.
28
00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:15,031
- Oh, wow.
- Millions?
29
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:18,382
Oh, my clever boy,
my angel...
30
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,558
My angel.
31
00:01:20,602 --> 00:01:22,125
Well, you'’ll be looking
for something
32
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:23,474
to invest that money in.
33
00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:25,476
Yeah, I was thinking
maybe a charity.
34
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:26,782
Charity?
35
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,610
Well, you can'’t make
any money on that.
36
00:01:28,652 --> 00:01:29,741
Now, theater,
37
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,656
that'’s a sound investment.
38
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:34,746
And as luck would have it,
I am the new artistic director
39
00:01:34,789 --> 00:01:36,618
for the Cleveland
Studio Theater.
40
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:38,271
Oh, I would love to invest.
41
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:41,405
Oh, that'’s fantastic.
42
00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:44,234
I just have one
tiny condition.
43
00:01:44,277 --> 00:01:45,975
I would like a part
in the play.
44
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:47,716
Oh, have you ever
acted before?
45
00:01:47,759 --> 00:01:49,631
No, but how hard
can it be?
46
00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:51,502
Acting is just pretending
to listen to your director
47
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,983
and sleeping with
the other actors, right?
48
00:01:54,026 --> 00:01:56,333
Well, our next play is
Summer of the Locust
49
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:59,380
based on a Willa Cather story
about a young farm boy
50
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:01,599
who is visited by the ghost
of his grandmother.
51
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,384
Oh, there'’s an old lady part?
52
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:04,472
Yeah.
53
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:07,127
Did you hear that, Joy?
54
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:12,480
Well, we should celebrate.
55
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:15,004
Hey, Nicky, can you get us
a bottle of champagne?
56
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,223
Oh, yeah, of course.
Coming right up.
57
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:17,615
Thanks.
58
00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,793
He did it again.
Okay, that'’s it. He's got to go.
59
00:02:21,837 --> 00:02:23,795
Wait, you can'’t just accuse
someone of groping
60
00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,232
without proof.
61
00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,755
We need to go through
the security cameras
62
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,931
and see if we have footage
of him doing it.
63
00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:32,543
Just don'’t look
at last Tuesday night.
64
00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:35,111
But last Tuesday night
you were here with a date.
65
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,026
You said you'’d lock up.
66
00:02:37,069 --> 00:02:40,072
Wasn'’t that the night
we ran out of whipped cream?
67
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:45,252
And sprinkles.
68
00:02:46,817 --> 00:02:49,212
[upbeat music]
69
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,562
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba
70
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:54,435
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba
71
00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:55,610
♪ Hey!
72
00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:58,003
And into this beautiful land
73
00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:00,397
I promise to return.
74
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:02,747
That was a great audition.
75
00:03:02,791 --> 00:03:04,619
Elka, you nailed it.
76
00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:07,317
I don'’t think we need to look
any further for the grandmother.
77
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:09,972
Oh, I think you do.
78
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:13,280
Grandma?
79
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,586
Mom,
what are you doing here?
80
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,719
Well, I heard about
the open auditions,
81
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:19,808
and I thought I should come down
and try out
82
00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:23,812
because otherwise you might be
stuck with some local nobody.
83
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:28,251
Hello, Elka.
84
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,732
Hello, Penny.
85
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,516
Thank you so much
for warming them up.
86
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,867
Now it'’s time for
a professional actress.
87
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:40,350
You did a TV show
with puppets.
88
00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:43,701
I'’ll have you know I can
express more with one hand
89
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:47,139
than most people can
with their entire bodies.
90
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:50,665
I can express how I feel
about you with one finger.
91
00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:56,366
Elka was great.
92
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,803
Maybe she could be
Grandma'’s understudy.
93
00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:02,851
So if something terrible
happened to Penny,
94
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:06,028
I'’d step in?
95
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:10,206
Back off, blondie.
I'’ve never missed a performance.
96
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,427
I bet your audiences
wished you had.
97
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,783
The security camera
doesn'’t lie.
98
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,480
Nicky groped me
by that table
99
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,526
and you by the cash register.
100
00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:27,179
No, don'’t zoom in.
Don'’t zoom in.
101
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:28,832
I hate my butt.
102
00:04:28,877 --> 00:04:29,878
It'’s everywhere.
103
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,054
He couldn'’t not grope it.
104
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:33,490
Oh, shut up.
105
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,318
You have an amazing butt.
106
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,058
It'’s so in fashion
right now.
107
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:39,757
It'’s all about that bass.
108
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:44,022
Unlike my pancake ass.
I'’m all treble.
109
00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:46,895
Victoria,
110
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,288
what do you think
of our butts?
111
00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:50,028
Oh, I'’m sorry.
I have to get to rehearsal.
112
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:52,944
I don'’t have time to make up
an honest answer.
113
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:56,992
Where the hell is my mother?
114
00:04:57,034 --> 00:04:58,689
Elka, would you read in
for her?
115
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:00,038
[Elka]
I'’d be happy to.
116
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:04,347
It'’ll be nice to hear
how it should be read.
117
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,175
Beat it, short stuff.
118
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:07,437
Amateur hour is over.
119
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:09,134
I'’m terribly sorry I'm late,
120
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:12,921
but the city is tearing up
my street suddenly.
121
00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,879
Oh, I'’m the mayor.
122
00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:17,404
I'’ll find out
who ordered that.
123
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:20,407
I called.
They said it was you.
124
00:05:20,450 --> 00:05:25,325
Well, that saves us
some time.
125
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,849
Okay, everybody, we are going
to start with the scene
126
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,807
where Phillip,
alone and desperate,
127
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,548
sees a vision
of his beloved grandmother
128
00:05:31,592 --> 00:05:33,289
who died five years earlier.
129
00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:36,727
Now, it'’s a very pivotal
and poignant moment in the play.
130
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:42,646
Phillip,
my darling, darling Phillip.
131
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:46,389
Grandma,
is that really you?
132
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,478
I can'’t believe it's you.
133
00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:51,133
I'’ve missed you so much.
134
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,615
Oh, my God.
He'’s terrible.
135
00:05:56,051 --> 00:06:00,316
He'’s the worst actor
in the Chase family.
136
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,797
And that'’s saying something.
137
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:09,412
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow.
138
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:11,501
Stupid exercise.
Everything hurts.
139
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:13,329
It makes me long for the days
140
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,636
when women kept their rear ends
tucked away.
141
00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:17,420
We should go back
to hoop skirts.
142
00:06:17,464 --> 00:06:21,032
No one knew what the hell
was going on under there.
143
00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:22,599
Sure, half of them
died in childbirth,
144
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,558
but at least they didn'’t
have to do squats.
145
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,734
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
146
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:30,825
You know, maybe we'’re
approaching this the wrong way.
147
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:35,177
Maybe we need to think
outside the butt.
148
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,048
It'’s not that our bottoms
look bad;
149
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:39,355
it'’s the way the cameras
make them look.
150
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,661
You'’re right.
151
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:43,054
We just need to adjust
the camera angles
152
00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:44,926
to make our butts
look better.
153
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:47,015
Yes, and softer focus.
154
00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:48,930
A little Vaseline
on the lens
155
00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,975
wouldn'’t kill anyone.
156
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:52,499
[Joy]
Hello, ladies.
157
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:53,804
Hey, how'’s Summer of
the Locustgoing?
158
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,197
How'’s Tony?
159
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:55,980
[Victoria]
Well, um,
160
00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:57,808
he'’s a-a little raw,
161
00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,507
a little green,
a little untrained.
162
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:03,248
He stinks on ice.
163
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:12,606
Did you tell him?
164
00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:13,694
Oh, I couldn'’t.
165
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:14,956
He'’d hate me.
166
00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:16,610
So I thought of a better plan.
167
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:17,785
You do it.
168
00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:19,308
I can'’t do it.
169
00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:21,571
It would break his untalented
little heart.
170
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,660
Well, you never had a problem
pointing out my faults
171
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,227
when I was a kid.
172
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:28,491
That'’s different.
He'’s likeable.
173
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:29,884
What, and I'’m not?
174
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:32,147
See?
We agree.
175
00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:34,454
You know, parents
are supposed to support
176
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:36,543
and protect their children.
177
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:40,503
Victoria, I have protected you
hundreds of times.
178
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:43,071
Yeah.
Name one.
179
00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:44,289
All right.
180
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:49,991
I never told you this, but your
father got a woman pregnant,
181
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:53,385
and you have a secret sister.
182
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,909
What?
183
00:07:54,952 --> 00:07:56,563
W-who is she?
What'’s her name?
184
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,086
I don'’t know.
185
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,740
Susan someth--
something Italian.
186
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:03,134
I don'’t know, but we'll talk
about that tomorrow.
187
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:07,138
The important thing is,
what are we gonna do about Tony?
188
00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:09,227
You know, maybe we could
tell him he'’s terrible
189
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:11,795
by putting a message
in a fortune cookie.
190
00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:15,669
You know, actually,
that'’s not a bad idea.
191
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:18,846
You know, I got one once saying
that dancing was not my forte.
192
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:21,326
Did you?
193
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,377
That was you?
194
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,205
Well, it worked.
195
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,946
[sighs]
So what'’s it gonna be?
196
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:33,469
[Tony]
♪ Oh, Danny boy
197
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,820
♪ The pipes,
the pipes are calling ♪
198
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:38,518
Or...
199
00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,650
we could turn this play
into a musical.
200
00:08:40,693 --> 00:08:44,524
[Tony]
♪ From glen to glen,
and down the mountainside ♪
201
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,004
Tony, I didn'’t know
you could sing.
202
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:51,443
Mom, I was in the glee club
for six long years.
203
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,189
It makes perfect sense.
204
00:08:58,233 --> 00:09:01,366
All musical talent
skips a generation.
205
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:04,631
Hey, I got that
fortune cookie too.
206
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:06,676
Sing with me.
207
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,201
[both]
♪ The summer'’s gone ♪
208
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:14,075
♪ And all the roses falling
209
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:15,380
Let me know
when I can join in.
210
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:16,599
We will.
211
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:19,254
[both]
♪ It'’s you, it's you ♪
212
00:09:19,297 --> 00:09:21,952
I am so glad
we changed the cameras.
213
00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:23,345
Look how good we look.
214
00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:26,478
The lighting, the softer angles,
the Vaseline--
215
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,742
now they'’re security cameras.
216
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:32,136
Before, they were
insecurity cameras.
217
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,790
You know,
someone once told me
218
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,923
that red wine is good
for sore muscles.
219
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,577
That was me.
220
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:38,795
Is it true?
221
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,928
Does it matter?
222
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,799
Well, we'’re off.
223
00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:45,106
Oh, we can'’t wait to see you
guys in your new play tonight.
224
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,716
"Summer of the Locust
225
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,197
presented by Olay Regenerist
Micro-Sculpting Cream"?
226
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,807
Your play has a sponsor?
227
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,635
Yes, the cast has
unusually good skin
228
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,507
for poor farmers
living in the dust bowl.
229
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,161
- Break a leg.
- Have fun.
230
00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:58,162
See you tonight.
231
00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,948
[phone ringing]
232
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,558
Hello?
233
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,560
What?
Oh, my God.
234
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,041
Y-yes, we'’ll be there
as soon as we can.
235
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:08,956
Somebody robbed the bar.
236
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:11,698
So there'’s no way
to identify the thief?
237
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,351
I mean, we'’re out
thousands of dollars.
238
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,310
Sorry, ladies,
the footage is useless.
239
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:18,922
He put Vaseline on the lens
to disguise his identity.
240
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,532
Pretty clever.
241
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:21,316
We thought so.
242
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:24,841
I mean, damn him!
243
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:26,887
Thank you, Officer.
244
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:28,497
What were we thinking?
245
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:30,412
First rule of
running a business:
246
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:32,414
security cameras
are for security,
247
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,459
not for making
your ass look great.
248
00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:37,898
One day, science will invent
a camera that does both.
249
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,117
But for now, we should do
what we should have done
250
00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:42,032
in the first place--
fire Nicky.
251
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,077
All right.
252
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,556
[Melanie]
Uh, Nicky?
253
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,949
Can we talk to you,please?
254
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:48,604
Hey, I'’m so sorry
about the robbery.
255
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,606
Do you have any idea
who did it?
256
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,607
No.
257
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,348
But it'’s not about that.
258
00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:56,307
We have to let you go because of
all the inappropriate touching.
259
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,788
I-I touched you?
260
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:00,790
Oh, my God.
Joy, he doesn'’t even remember.
261
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,837
You touched our butts,
and we have proof.
262
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,536
Okay, I am so sorry,
but I can explain.
263
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,712
I didn'’t know
I was touching you.
264
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:12,062
I was in a really bad
car accident with my sister
265
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,368
when I was a teenager.
266
00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:14,761
I severed all the nerves
in my hand.
267
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,501
Really?
268
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:19,330
So when you put your hand
on me like this,
269
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,289
you can'’t feel anything at all?
270
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,639
It'’s the other hand.
271
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:28,731
Oh, so you were just
accidently brushing us.
272
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:31,952
Oh, my God, you have no idea
what fools we'’ve been.
273
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,606
We got so obsessed about
the way our butts looked
274
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,739
in the security footage
that we adjusted
275
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,002
the camera angles
and put Vaseline on the lens.
276
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:41,222
Which is why we can'’t identify
the thief who robbed us.
277
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,484
We'’re so stupid.
278
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,834
- Ah!
- Oh, I'’m so sorry.
279
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,357
I'’m so--
Hey!
280
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:48,795
Your hand'’s not dead.
281
00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:50,231
You liar.
282
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:52,363
You can feel.
You were groping us.
283
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,104
Okay, I admit it.
I'’m sorry.
284
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,063
I just couldn'’t help myself.
285
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,413
I mean, look at the two of you.
You'’re gorgeous.
286
00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:00,241
And from behind,
287
00:12:00,284 --> 00:12:02,634
irresistible.
288
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,858
I wouldn'’t say irresistible.
289
00:12:08,902 --> 00:12:10,860
Not too flat?
290
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:13,123
Or too not flat?
291
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,516
Are you kidding me?
292
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,300
They'’re both perfect.
293
00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:19,173
[both]
Perfect.
294
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,305
Anyway, now that it'’s all
out in the open,
295
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:23,743
obviously,
I can'’t work here anymore.
296
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,440
So...
297
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:26,833
Well, I guess
it'’s for the best.
298
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:28,095
Yeah, we wouldn'’t want
you to be tempted.
299
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,749
[Nicky]
Thank you for that.
300
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,968
And I'’m so sorry
for the robbery.
301
00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:33,796
Ouch. $7,000?
302
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,450
[Melanie]
Yeah, thank you.
303
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:38,453
Aw, poor guy.
304
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:41,195
That must have been
so rough on him,
305
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:45,808
looking at us every day
and wanting us so much.
306
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:49,769
And he felt really bad
about us losing the $7,000.
307
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:53,207
Wait a minute.
308
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,949
We didn'’t tell anybody
that it was $7,000.
309
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:57,951
Oh, my God.
He'’s the thief.
310
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,214
He'’s the thief
and the groper.
311
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,782
And we can'’t prove it because we
greased out the bloody cameras.
312
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:05,175
[groans]
313
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:08,570
Well,
one good thing happened.
314
00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:11,138
He made us feel better
about our butts.
315
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:12,792
That'’s true.
316
00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:15,925
And you can'’t put a price
on that.
317
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:19,581
Though it appears to be
about $7,000.
318
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,418
Poor Elka.
319
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:33,029
Ten minutes to showtime,
and I'’m ready to shine.
320
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:35,510
Oh, ten minutes?
321
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:38,861
Well, then you deserve
a preshow chocolate.
322
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,515
[chuckles]
323
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,647
Nice try, honey,
but you forget,
324
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:46,521
I know every acting sabotage
trick in the book.
325
00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:50,612
Oh, look at these tiny,
little pin holes.
326
00:13:50,655 --> 00:13:53,397
Oh, what'’d you inject them with,
sweetheart,
327
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:55,051
some kind of sleeping drug?
328
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:58,315
Either you fall asleep
or the audience does.
329
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:03,886
Face it, Elka,
you'’ve lost.
330
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:07,194
I'’m the star, and you're just
a poor, little understudy
331
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:08,891
watching from the wings.
332
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:11,415
Ah, you win.
333
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:14,114
I guess I'’ll go
to my dressing room
334
00:14:14,157 --> 00:14:16,029
and have a cocktail.
335
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,465
You have a dressing room?
336
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,771
With a full bar.
337
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,817
Oh, that'’s ridiculous.
338
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,123
They wouldn'’t give
an understudy
339
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:24,907
a better dressing room
than I have.
340
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,387
Oh,
341
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:28,955
then I must have imagined
the hot tub.
342
00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:34,003
[Penny]
I don'’t believe this.
343
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,092
Go in and have a look
for yourself.
344
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:37,572
Oh, I certainly will.
345
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,142
[Penny]
Where'’s the light?
346
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,230
Where'’s the--
347
00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:45,406
This isn'’t a dressing room!
348
00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:49,018
[banging]
Elka, open the door!
349
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,454
[banging]
350
00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,282
Sorry, Penny.
351
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:55,982
The show must go on.
352
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,374
[banging]
353
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:03,815
Have you seen my mother?
354
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,121
I can'’t find her anywhere.
355
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:06,514
No.
356
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:11,214
Oh, gosh,
I hope she'’s okay.
357
00:15:11,258 --> 00:15:14,522
Curtain is in five minutes.
358
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:16,611
You'’re gonna
have to go on.
359
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:21,181
I suppose someone
has to be the star.
360
00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:25,794
[sighs]
361
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,230
[chuckles]
362
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,894
[light piano melody]
363
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,723
♪
364
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:46,293
♪ A thousand stars
will soon appear ♪
365
00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:50,993
♪ And yet,
not one to guide me ♪
366
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:55,955
♪ If only dear Grandma
was here ♪
367
00:15:55,998 --> 00:16:03,136
♪ To calm the fear
inside me ♪
368
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,703
[off-key]
♪ I'’m here, Phillip ♪
369
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,836
♪ I see you, Grandma
370
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:09,142
[Penny]
Hold it!
371
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:10,752
[music stops]
372
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:23,634
I'’m here, Phillip.
373
00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:26,028
I see two grandmas.
374
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:27,160
That'’s right.
375
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,858
♪ Now, what'’s ailing ♪
376
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,034
♪ You-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
377
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:35,516
♪ Hoo-ooh-ooh, wha?
378
00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:39,999
Oh, brother.
379
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:43,654
♪ Two grandmas here
before my eyes ♪
380
00:16:43,698 --> 00:16:47,223
♪ I don'’t know what to say ♪
381
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:51,097
♪ I'’m not going anywhere ♪
382
00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:55,797
♪ And I am here to stay
383
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,411
♪ So much advice
to guide me now ♪
384
00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:05,067
♪ I'’ve got a lot to mull ♪
385
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:08,810
♪ I am such a lucky guy
386
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:14,337
♪ This is wonderful
387
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:16,773
This is terrible.
What do I do?
388
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,515
Just keep singing
389
00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:21,257
and shut their windows.
390
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:25,566
♪ I realize that ghosts
aren'’t real ♪
391
00:17:25,608 --> 00:17:26,696
Hey!
392
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:27,959
♪ These visions now have flown
393
00:17:28,002 --> 00:17:29,135
Hey!
394
00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:33,704
♪ Whatever troubles lie ahead
395
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:37,404
♪ You will not face alone
396
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:40,798
Hey!
397
00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:43,888
♪ I think I'’m okay by myself ♪
398
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:47,196
♪ I'’ll never leave you,
dear ♪
399
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:52,549
♪ You'’ll be with me
inside my heart ♪
400
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:56,727
♪ Not talking in my ear
401
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:59,687
[door rumbling]
402
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:07,347
♪ I'’ve got a feeling
things will get better ♪
403
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:10,567
♪ Something good
is coming for me ♪
404
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:13,614
♪ Finally,
this nightmare is over ♪
405
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:17,879
♪ A life of my own
and grandmother-free ♪
406
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:27,367
- I'’m back!
- I'’mback.
407
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:30,109
♪ He'’ll never get
rid of me ♪
408
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:33,199
[both]
♪ I'’m ♪
409
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,549
♪ We'’re ♪
410
00:18:35,592 --> 00:18:37,812
♪ Still
411
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:43,078
♪ Here
412
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,255
[upbeat piano flourish]
413
00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:56,831
Good news.
We got a big offer.
414
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:58,224
Ooh, for the musical?
415
00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,964
Oh, God, no.
For the building.
416
00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:02,315
The real estate developer
wants to turn the theater
417
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:03,794
into a PetSmart.
418
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,666
[Elka]
Oh, great.
419
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:09,278
Pets do more for people
than plays.
420
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,846
Right, George Clooney?
421
00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:13,674
Well, even though
the play was a fiasco,
422
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:14,849
I'’ve decided to keep singing.
423
00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,285
Oh.
424
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:18,026
I'’ve actually decided
to audition for The Voice.
425
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,723
Oh, good for you.
426
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,508
Although, Mom, I'’m gonna need
a sympathetic backstory
427
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,423
to win over the audience.
428
00:19:23,466 --> 00:19:25,512
So I was thinking of telling
them that you kept me in a cage
429
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:28,341
until I was three years old.
430
00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:29,690
I like it.
431
00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:30,952
Yeah.
432
00:19:30,995 --> 00:19:33,389
But make it ten
and hunch a little.
433
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,131
We never got you
a bigger cage.
434
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,480
What about you two?
435
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:38,264
Are you gonna continueacting?
436
00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:39,917
Oh, absolutely.
437
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:42,137
In fact, the two of us
are auditioning for a play
438
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,225
at the community center.
439
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:44,748
[laughs]
440
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:46,576
I'’m trying out
for the lead.
441
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,491
As am I.
442
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:52,887
And I'’ll probably get it
because I'’m dating the director.
443
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:56,891
I am also dating
the director.
444
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:01,374
I am sleeping with
the director.
445
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:05,378
What did you think
"dating" meant?
446
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:08,424
I was being classy.
447
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:10,470
Well, I don'’t care.
It'’s good to have a rival.
448
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:11,601
Keeps you on your toes.
449
00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:13,255
Oh, it does,
doesn'’t it?
450
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:15,257
You know, that'’s like me
and Susan Lucci.
451
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,346
That'’s it.
452
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:19,435
Susan Lucci.
453
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:21,437
That'’s your half-sister's
name.
454
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:28,227
Lucci?
455
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:37,061
[upbeat music]
456
00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:39,412
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba
457
00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:41,718
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba
458
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:46,506
♪
459
00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:48,986
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba
460
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:51,337
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba
461
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:01,390
♪ Hey!
32399
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