All language subtitles for Hot.in.Cleveland.S06E10.We.Could.Be.Royals.1080p.WEB-DL.H.264.Rus.Eng-@EniaHD_track4_[eng]

- hot in cleveland

Is recorded in front
Of a live studio audience.

- guess what madonna,
Jamie lee curtis, and I

Have in common.

- slept with warren beatty?

- no.
- peaked in the '80s?

- no, stop guessing.

We're all celebrities

Who are also
Children's book writers.

- you've written
A children's book?

- "Have written," "Will write,"
What's the difference?

The important thing is,
We're doing this together.

- you want me to work
On your book with you?

- work with me,
Work instead of me,

What's the difference?

- you know what?
I'm in.

I've always wanted to write
A children's book.

Oh, I used to love
Making up stories for my kids.

- oh, me too.

My favorite was,
"Mommy loved you

"In the school play,

"But you didn't see me

Because I was
In the very last row."

Oh, I told that one again
And again.

- oh, my god.

I just found out my sister's
Coming to cleveland.

- you have a sister?

- she's been a nun
For the last 20 years.

She's nothing like me.

- well, you both spend
A lot of time on your knees.

- actually, she's decided
To leave the convent.

- wow, that's gonna be
A big adjustment for her

Out in the real world.

- poor, poor jill.

She's always been a bit
Of a mess.

Clumsy and mousy,

Looking to her beautiful,
Glamorous sister

For protection.

- oh, the beautiful
And glamorous

Do bear a lot
Of responsibility.

- you know, responsibility
Was actually the theme

Of my radio show
Yesterday.

Did anybody hear it?
- I did.

But you didn't see me

Because I was
In the very last row.

- as your assistant,
I'm running out of excuses

For why you're not
At city council meetings.

- what did you tell them today?

- that you were
On a fact-finding mission

To find the best beer
In cleveland.

- well, you weren't lying.

- well, everyone's excited
About the party you're hosting

For our sister city
In england,

And you know
What's fascinating?

Our sister city
Is also called cleveland.

- I do know
What's fascinating,

And that isn't it.

- now, the guest of honor
Is the earl of cleveland.

We need to go over protocol,

So you don't create
Another international incident,

Like you did with
That german mayor last month.

- what incident?
I was making a joke.

- you put a comb
Under your nose

And goose-stepped
Behind him.

- I may have been testing beer
That day too.

- elka, mamie sue,

This is my sister jill.

May we?
- of course.

- this is from that gentleman
At the bar.

- wow.

Men have always found you
Irresistible.

- probably 'cause
She doesn't resist.

- actually, growing up,

Even if she was with a boy
She liked,

She'd always look out
For me.

But any time
I took a tumble,

She'd be right there
To pick me up,

Dust me off, and say,
"On your feet, cabbage,"

And then she'd punch
Whoever laughed at me

In the throat.

- may I ask why you quit
Being a nun?

Is it because
You're a flibbertigibbet,

A will-o'-the-wisp,
A clown?

- I didn't feel
I had the calling anymore,

So I left.

- I bet that raised
A lot of eyebrow.

What?
Am I the only one who sees it?

- elka, that is exactly
The kind of joke

You can't make at the party
For the earl of cleveland.

- the earl of cleveland
Is coming here?

Percy lennox-gordon.
- 47th in line to the throne.

- would you like to come
To the party

We're throwing for him?

- yes!
And who knows?

Maybe he sees me.
I see him.

One thing
Leads to another,

And 46 unfortunate accidents
Later,

I'm queen of england.

- I don't think
I want to come.

I'm not very good
At parties.

- oh, poor jill.

I'll make sure
You have a good time.

You can borrow my clothes,

And maybe we can take care
Of some of this too.

- elka and I are going
To the beauty salon.

You can come with us.

- that's a great idea.

- I almost became a nun,

But then I learned
That those big hats

Don't really make you fly,
Even on a really windy day.

And I liked sex
With men.

- okay, even though
It's a children's book,

There is a lot to do.

Once we come up
With our idea,

We're gonna have to do
An outline,

First draft,
Second draft,

And then we should be done
In six months.

- that's great.
It's due monday.

- what?

- and the editor's
Coming by today

To see what we've got.

- what?
- don't act surprised.

We've had a whole year
To come up with something.

- what?

You have had a whole year?

- no, we have had a whole year.

I told him that I've had
A collaborator all this time,

You know,
To put him at ease.

He thinks that actors are lazy
And unreliable.

When will
That stereotype end?

- is jill back
From her makeover?

- no, not yet.
- poor thing.

Hope she's not expecting
A miracle.

- how do I look?
- whoa.

- oh, my goodness.
Jill!

- joy, dear,
You'll want to see this.

- holy...

[upbeat music]

- ♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ hey!

- hello, all.

- where's joy?
- coming!

- oh, my.
What did the doctor say?

- oh, it's not bad.

Just have to use this
For a couple of days.

- remember when we were kids
And I'd follow you

Wherever you went
On my scooter?

Now you have the scooter.
It's like we've swapped places.

It's funny, isn't it?

- yes, very funny.

[laughs forcefully]

- that's not
Your normal laugh.

- yes, it is.

[laughing forcefully]

[crying]

- now, elka, here's a list
Of the british dignitaries.

- [laughing]
Whoa.

These are some goofy names.

- elka, class and rank
Are incredibly important

To british nobility.

Let's say
There's a tornado,

And you're with a baron
And a gentleman of the gentry.

Who do you bring
To the storm cellar?

- the baron.
- correct.

Have you been studying?

- no.

I'm just not spending a night
In a basement

With a gentleman.

- I'm so nervous.

You know, in the convent,
Flirting was frowned upon.

Actually,
Frowning was frowned upon.

- poor jill.
Poor, poor jill.

Where are our drinks?

- I'll go check.

- hello.

Can I buy you a drink?

- what the--

Oh!

Oh, god!
It's filthy.

- all those men
Were fighting over

Who could buy me
A drink.

Oh, what happened
To your eye?

- I got lemon juice
And grease in it.

- oh, poor joy.

Poor, poor joy.

Wonderful evening.

Have you ever had five men
Buy you drinks?

- please, I've had six,
Often seven.

[siren wails]

Just let me do the talking.

I've flirted my way
Out of dozens of tickets.

What seems to be the problem,
Officer?

- your blinker's been on
For the last 5 miles.

- I'm sorry, officer.

We're trying to get
To the hospital

For my poor sister's eye.

- wow, you have
A beautiful accent.

- oh.
- we have the exact same accent.

- would you like an escort
To the hospital?

- no, we're fine.

We have
An excellent navigation system.

- I'll let you go
With a warning,

But drive safe, okay?

You're carrying
Precious cargo.

- [gasps]

Did I just flirt my way
Out of your ticket?

[laughs]

- thrilling.

- you don't seem
Very happy for me.

- of course I am,

Although,
Thinking about it,

Being hot
Isn't for everyone,

Which makes me wonder
If, on some level,

You wouldn't be happier
Back in the convent.

- but I don't want to go back
To the convent.

I'm having fun.

- maybe, but it
Doesn't suit you.

- oh, my goodness,
You're jealous

'cause I'm blossoming
And you're wilting.

You just can't stand
The idea

Of not being the prettiest woman
In the room.

Well, you know what?

You're not even
The prettiest woman in this car.

- that couldn't be further
From the truth!

- okay, look, the editor's
Gonna be here any minute.

We still don't have an idea
For this book.

- don't panic.
Maybe he'll be late.

[doorbell chimes]
Oh, my god, he's not late.

And the advance he gave us
Was huge,

And we've already
Spent it.

- what?
I didn't get any money.

- you've only been working here
A day.

Don't get greedy.

You know what?
I'll stall him.

Anderson, how lovely
To see you.

This is my collaborator,
Melanie.

- hello.
- listen.

We could do
That whole dance,

But let me just bottom-line this
For you.

Melanie and I just need
A little--

- victoria,
You better not be asking

For another extension.

You and melanie
Have had two years.

- two?

- extension, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Delay this idea
That is going to change

Children's literature
Forever?

If anything,
We need less time.

[phone ringing]
- fantastic.

I want to hear it
After I take this.

Is there a place I can--
- oh, yes.

Right down here.

Just take your time,
And while you're at it,

You might want
To tighten your socks,

Because they're about to get
Knocked off.

- why did you tell him
That we have a great idea?

Honey, what do you think,

One's just gonna walk
In the front door?

- and now,
Thanks to you,

I have to wear
This stupid eye patch.

- it's not my fault.
Face it.

You liked me
When I was mousy,

And now that that's changed,
You can't handle it.

- nonsense!

All I've ever been
Is a protective big sister.

- then how come when you had
An eyebrow-waxing business,

You never got rid
Of my unibrow?

- why would you want me to?

So you could be sexy
For god?

That's sick.

- so tell me the idea.

- it's a story
About two sisters,

Joy and jill.

One was mousy
Her whole life

Because she was a mouse.

- ah!

They're both mice,

And the other mouse
Was always the beautiful one.

- right, but then,
They switched.

- sounds interesting.

You know, mice do well
In focus groups.

- melanie and I are artists.

We don't cater
To focus groups.

- and how does
Your story end?

- well, what kind of endings
Do focus groups like?

- the kind that are in my hand
By monday.

- then you will have it
By sunday.

- what is wrong with you?

- I'm ready.
How do I look?

- oh, you'll be
The prettiest mouse at the ball.

- what do you mean, mouse?

- uh, nothing.

[horn honking]

- sounds like
Elka's ready to go.

Do you need a lift?
- no, no, no.

We're gonna wait for joy.
You go ahead without us.

- so the newly beautiful mouse
Headed off to the ball.

- it's almost too easy.

- now, what's our ending?

- we'll find out at the ball.
The earl is there.

The two sisters
Will vie for him,

And then whatever happens,
That's the ending to our book.

- I'm not going.
Both: what?

- no.
No, no, no, no.

You can't let
A little thing

Like a scooter and an eye patch
Stop you.

- how about this?

- [screams]

- [lisping]
I knocked my crown out

Trying to open
My eye drops bottle.

- you cannot give up.

- this would be
A terrible ending.

Where would cinderella be
If she'd stayed home

And felt sorry
For herself

When her sister
Was off having fun at the ball?

- look at me.
I'm hardly cinderella.

- victoria, she's right.

Jill is the one
That got beautiful.

- oh, that's true.
You've had your time.

Jill's cinderella now.

- shut up!

I'm cinderella,
And I'm going to the ball.

I just need you to help me

Look pretty enough
To capture a nobleman.

- no problem.

This is gonna be harder
Than writing the book.

- the earl of cleveland
Is going to be here any second.

I hope you memorized the names
Of the dignitaries.

- oh, don't worry.

I made a cheat sheet.

Oh, no.
- what?

- these are
My football picks.

- elka, what were
You thinking?

- I know.
Ravens plus three?

- here they come.

- oh, I'm screwed.
- don't panic.

The earl has to introduce
His people to you.

Just pay attention
And repeat what he says.

- councilwoman ostrovsky,
A pleasure.

The members of my party:

Chief magistrate
Martin portreeve,

Lieutenant colonel
Rodson heathcote-drummond,

The honorable
Martin gled-heweson,

Bishop of lichfield,

Lord keeper of the privy seal
Lemonde oswolf-sticket.

- everyone, please welcome
The earl of cleveland.

[applause]

And with him
Plaidsy,

War man,

Churchie, and...

Lemony snicket.

- [chuckles]

[laughter]

I believe we're going
To have great fun

Doing business together.

[laughs]

Gentlemen, please.

- you did it, elka.
You're a hero.

- oh, save it
For the real heroes,

The ravens,
If they cover the spread.

- oh, you look
So beautiful.

Your eye patch
Matches your gown.

Your gown covers the wheels
On your orthopedic boot,

And the super glue
Is holding perfectly

On your dead tooth.

- I feel so glamorous.

Damn it.
Jill's already with the earl.

Look at her over there,

Shamelessly flirting with him.

Maybe I should just go home.

- no, you can't.
That's quitter talk.

If you don't
Go down fighting,

What does that do for us?

Who look up to you.

- what's the use?

Look, he's already
Interested in--

[shouts]

Hello.

- you move like an angel,

As if you were floating
Across the room.

- thank you for remarking
On my grace, your grace.

- ah.
Beluga, my favorite.

- I simply adore beluga.
- I adore it more.

Mm-hmm.

[groans]

Delicious.

- poor child,
Have you never had caviar?

You must be so sheltered
And naive.

- well, I'm certainly
Not as worldly

And experienced
As some.

Perhaps the earl would like
To hear a story

Of a woman who's been ridden
By more men

Than the london underground.

- or perhaps the earl would like
To see a recent photo

Of a woman
With a mustache.

- I'm not sure
That I would, actually.

- who do you want the earl
To end up with,

Joy mouse
Or jill mouse?

- of course
I'm rooting for joy.

- well, obviously
I'm rooting for joy too.

- but it's gonna be jill.
- totally.

I mean, we're writing
A children's book,

Not how joy mouse
Got her groove back.

- and then I said, "Middleton?
I thought you said wimbledon."

[both laugh]

- reminds me of the time
I was invited

To the duchess of--

Oh.

- what?

Do I have something
On my tooth?

- no, quite the opposite,
Actually.

Seems you have a tooth
On your something.

- oh.
Excuse me, won't you?

[shouts]

- goodness.

That woman's a bit
Of a disaster, isn't she?

Perhaps you and I
Could go somewhere

A little more private.

- [groans]

- [sighs]

I'd love to,

But that disaster
Is my sister,

And she needs my help.

Would you excuse me?

- honey, are you all right?
- are you hurt?

- I'm fine,
Just hideously embarrassed.

- let me help.
- jill, what about the earl?

- you took a tumble.

It's my turn to pick you up
And dust you off.

On your feet,
Cabbage.

- she looks like
A pirate.

All that's missing
Is a parrot on her shoulder.

- all that's missing
Is my fist in your throat.

- jill, that's so sweet.

- let's save the smiles
Till we get home, shall we?

- thank you.

- there's the end
Of our story:

The sisters
Choose each other.

- oh, I love
The way we write.

- thanks again
For leaving the earl for me.

- oh, well,
There are dozens of royals,

But I only have one sister,

And there'll be other men.

Please tell me sex
Is better than caviar.

- they're both better
With vodka.

But if I could offer a piece
Of big sister advice,

When it comes to men,
Be patient.

You may have to kiss
A lot frogs

Before you find
Your prince.

- pardon me.

- or not.

- I believe you left
Your boot wheel behind.

- oh, joy,
It's like cinderella.

- oh, sweetie,
I don't think he's here for me.

- yes, while you're both
Extremely charming women--

- you don't have to.
- right.

I thought it was very lovely
The way you left the party early

To take care
Of your sister,

But I wanted
To get to know you better.

Would you consider joining me
For a drink?

- I'd love to.

Ooh, would you give me
A minute?

I'll meet you by the car.
- of course.

- 47th in line to the throne!
- you could be queen!

- you could be pippa!

- then what are you
Waiting for?

Go, have fun.

- [squeals]

- [sighs]

Poor, poor joy.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ hey!