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1
00:00:02,350 --> 00:00:05,440
- now, george clooney,
You know santa won't come
2
00:00:05,483 --> 00:00:07,920
Until you go to sleep.
3
00:00:07,964 --> 00:00:11,054
All right, one more story.
4
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,317
"'twas the week
Before christmas
5
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:15,450
"And all through the house
6
00:00:15,493 --> 00:00:20,107
The women I live with
Were starting to grouse."
7
00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,760
- my kids
Want to spend christmas
8
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:24,154
With their significant others.
9
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,764
I guess having sex
Is more important
10
00:00:25,808 --> 00:00:30,160
Than hanging out in cleveland
With their mom and fake aunts.
11
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:34,295
- do you ever listen
To yourself, melanie?
12
00:00:34,338 --> 00:00:36,862
- I try not to.
13
00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:39,169
My christmas
Is gonna stink this year.
14
00:00:39,213 --> 00:00:41,998
- oh, my christmas
Stinks every year.
15
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,434
You're a struggling
Young actress,
16
00:00:43,478 --> 00:00:45,567
You do one movie called
Disco christmas,
17
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,308
And for the next
Three decades,
18
00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:50,311
Strangers call out
The catchphrase.
19
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:53,314
- merry christmas,
Jive turkey.
20
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,925
- yes, that's the one.
21
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,405
Sometimes I wish
I'd done porn
22
00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,755
Instead
Of that humiliating movie.
23
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:02,671
- I did porn.
24
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:10,592
In poland.
25
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:14,683
But it was just me
Peeling a potato.
26
00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:19,992
In slow motion.
27
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:24,606
- victoria,
It wasn't all bad.
28
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,477
You fell in love
And married ernie hudson
29
00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:27,565
On that movie.
30
00:01:27,609 --> 00:01:28,958
- oh, even so,
31
00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:30,394
Just once,
I would like a christmas
32
00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,657
Without everyone gathering
Around the tv set
33
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,181
To laugh at me.
34
00:01:34,223 --> 00:01:36,531
- you may want to skip
My viewing party
35
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:39,142
I host every year.
36
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:41,144
- oh, and you never
Invited us
37
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,537
Because we were away
At christmas.
38
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:45,192
- sure.
39
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:46,670
- all right, elka,
40
00:01:46,715 --> 00:01:49,152
There will be no
Disco christmasin this house.
41
00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:50,327
I forbid it.
42
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,807
- but it's a tradition.
43
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:53,939
- no, it's a wonderful life
Is a tradition.
44
00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:56,203
This is just humiliation.
45
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,900
- you know,
It's a wonderful life
46
00:01:57,943 --> 00:01:59,467
Nearly wasn't a tradition.
47
00:01:59,509 --> 00:02:01,686
Someone bought the rights and
Kept it off the air for years.
48
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:04,254
- really?
- mm-hmm.
49
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:08,215
- ernie owns the rights
To disco christmas.
50
00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,999
I'm sure he would
Let me have them.
51
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:11,827
I mean, divorced couples
Do favors for each other
52
00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:15,091
All the time.
53
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,224
- merry christmas
To one and all.
54
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:18,921
- wow, someone's
In a good mood.
55
00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:20,531
- someone's mother's
Not coming to cleveland
56
00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:22,838
For christmas.
57
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,492
She got kicked off the plane
For getting into a slap fight
58
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:27,451
With an eight-year-old
Over an armrest.
59
00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:30,498
Oh, this is going
To be glorious.
60
00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:33,588
A christmas
Without her constant criticism.
61
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:35,590
Do you know she never once
Let me pick out the tree?
62
00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,026
- why not?
63
00:02:37,069 --> 00:02:38,636
- because she has
A time-honored tradition
64
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,074
That everything joy does
Is wrong, wrong, wrong.
65
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,119
- oh, yeah,
I remember reading that
66
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,687
In her christmas letter.
67
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:46,905
[timer dings]
68
00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:48,906
- elka, are you
Making christmas cookies?
69
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:51,562
- no, I just set a timer
70
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:54,652
For how long I think
I could put up with you three.
71
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:58,439
I was way off.
72
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:01,920
Well, I'm outta here.
73
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:02,834
[doorbell chimes]
74
00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,798
- hello,
May I help you?
75
00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:12,757
- it's me, sally.
I'm your next-door neighbor.
76
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,716
- oh.
77
00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:16,805
So does that mean that the woman
With the dreadful children
78
00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:19,199
And the hideous minivan
Moved away?
79
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,942
- nope, I'm still here.
80
00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:25,640
- what can we do for you,
Sally?
81
00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:27,250
- elka said I could borrow
Your extension cord
82
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:28,773
For the holiday lights
Contest.
83
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,732
I'm going
For my fourth straight win.
84
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,690
- there's
A holiday lights contest?
85
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,562
Oh, my god,
I am so there.
86
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,085
- really?
87
00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:38,392
We have actual christmas
In cleveland.
88
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,263
It's not like l.A.
With your fake snow
89
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:43,440
And your surfing santas.
90
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,269
- listen,
Whatever your name is,
91
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:49,403
People came from miles around
To see melanie's decorations.
92
00:03:49,446 --> 00:03:50,621
She can win this contest.
93
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,754
- the first rule
Of this contest
94
00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:55,365
Is you have to put up
All the decorations yourself.
95
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:58,716
- oh, well,
She can't do that.
96
00:03:58,760 --> 00:03:59,761
- could you imagine?
97
00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,023
- hey!
98
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,373
I can do it,
And I will do it.
99
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,506
My kids aren't gonna
Be here this year,
100
00:04:05,549 --> 00:04:07,421
And that makes me sad,
But I don't wanna feel sad.
101
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:08,900
So I'm gonna
Misplace those emotions
102
00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:11,207
Into anger against you
103
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,949
And beat your ass
In this contest.
104
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:16,255
- well, my kids are here.
105
00:04:16,298 --> 00:04:18,257
And they're
Whining and crying,
106
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,738
And I'm sad
I ever had them.
107
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,830
And those are the emotions
I'm channeling
108
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:28,050
Into beating your ass.
109
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:34,796
[upbeat christmas music]
110
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:40,018
♪
111
00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:42,194
- "So the ex-mrs. Hudson
112
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:45,284
"Set off to acquire
The broadcasting rights
113
00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:48,026
"For her christmas misfire.
114
00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:51,334
"With ernie in town--
He was doing a play--
115
00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:54,642
It was easy to set up
A meeting that day."
116
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,207
- you remember
The first day we met
117
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:57,949
On the set
Of disco christmas?
118
00:04:57,993 --> 00:04:59,386
- mm.
119
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:00,778
- and my clog got caught
In your bell-bottom,
120
00:05:00,822 --> 00:05:02,606
And we tumbled to the floor,
121
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:04,434
Just lay there,
122
00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:08,743
My perm pressed against
Your "Funk you" medallion.
123
00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:11,920
- you know, to me
You'll always be teena fazio,
124
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:14,401
Torn between ballet
And disco.
125
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:17,882
- why did we break up
Anyway?
126
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:19,493
- because you were
Always manipulating me
127
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,712
Into doing things
Against my best interests.
128
00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:26,238
- oh, ernie, I was just
Getting all nostalgic
129
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:27,892
About our time
On disco christmas.
130
00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:29,720
- hmm.
131
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,200
- what ever happened
To the rights to that movie,
132
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:32,680
By the way?
133
00:05:32,723 --> 00:05:34,290
- and there it is.
134
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,552
- okay, fine, fine.
135
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,293
I want you
To give me those rights
136
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,643
So that I can rid the world
Of our common shame.
137
00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:42,080
- I'm not embarrassed
By it, victoria.
138
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,560
I mean,
It's not my best work,
139
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:46,041
But I've got
A good enough sense of humor
140
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:47,782
To laugh at myself.
141
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,174
Why can't you?
142
00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:51,525
- because it's humiliating.
143
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,788
Strangers quote it to me
On the street.
144
00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:56,138
I'm sure they do
The same to you.
145
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:58,923
- I was in ghostbusters.
146
00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:00,229
I should get back
To the theater.
147
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:01,839
- oh, wait.
148
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,232
What if I said
149
00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:04,233
If you don't
Give me those rights,
150
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:05,452
You'll regret it?
151
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:06,714
That after I'm gone,
152
00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:08,846
I will haunt you
For the rest of your days?
153
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,544
- then I guess I'd say
154
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:14,025
I ain't afraid
Of no ghost.
155
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,378
- come on, lady,
156
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,554
I've shown you
Every tree in the lot.
157
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:21,381
- it's just that
I've never actually
158
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,991
Picked out a tree before.
159
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:25,297
And I keep hearing my mother's
Critical voice in my head
160
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:26,951
Telling me everything
I do is wrong.
161
00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:29,737
But fine,
I pick this one.
162
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,608
- wrong!
163
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:34,784
- what do you mean, wrong?
164
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:38,659
- it looks like an old cheap
Thing tarted up for sale.
165
00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:41,662
I can see
Why you'd like it.
166
00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:44,578
Now, this one has
Dignity and presence,
167
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,884
An almost regal quality.
168
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:48,103
- really?
169
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,800
That tree
Is frumpy and stuffy
170
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,672
And interfering.
171
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,021
- how could a tree be--
172
00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:54,936
- how dare you interrupt
A british conversation!
173
00:06:57,025 --> 00:06:59,157
- thank you.
174
00:06:59,201 --> 00:07:00,507
You can leave now.
175
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,334
I want to pick out
My own tree.
176
00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,466
- well, enjoy making
177
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,729
The biggest mistake
Of your christmas.
178
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:08,166
- I will!
179
00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:09,516
- so you want this one?
180
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:10,821
- yes.
181
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:13,258
I am a grown woman
With my own mind,
182
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,346
And I'm not changing it
183
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:15,652
Just because
Some bossy british lady
184
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:16,871
Thinks I'm wrong.
185
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,873
So wrap this one up
And take it to my car.
186
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:19,874
- but that's not--
187
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:22,659
- I said wrap it up.
188
00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:27,229
- it's too tall
And too dried up.
189
00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:28,273
But enough about joy.
190
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:30,450
The tree's great.
191
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,897
- honey,
I think it's perfect,
192
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,029
And the best part is, your mom
Had nothing to do with it.
193
00:07:45,073 --> 00:07:45,856
You picked it out yourself.
194
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:48,511
- yes.
195
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,382
That is the best part.
196
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:51,732
- okay, I gotta get back
To decorating.
197
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:54,125
- are you really gonna use
All of these lights?
198
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:55,866
- oh, are you kidding?
199
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:56,998
This is just for the lawn
And the front of the house.
200
00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:58,521
I still have
To get back to walmart
201
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,480
And get the roof tableau.
202
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,656
I am gonna destroy sally
203
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:04,788
And teach her
The real meaning of christmas.
204
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,923
So how'd your lunch
With ernie go?
205
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:11,186
- ah, he said I needed
To learn to laugh at myself.
206
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,535
Can you believe it?
207
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,058
I laugh at myself
All the time.
208
00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:15,712
- really?
209
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,192
- yes.
210
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,063
People said that
I would never win an oscar,
211
00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:20,195
And then I did.
212
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,502
[laughs]
Hilarious.
213
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:25,113
And what about the time
Susan lucci fell in the pond?
214
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,248
- that's not laughing
At yourself.
215
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,686
That's laughing
At susan lucci.
216
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:36,124
- the point is, I was laughing
And I was myself.
217
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:42,652
- oh, this is gonna be
A good party.
218
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:44,567
- okay, joy,
The judges are gonna be able
219
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:45,915
To see the tree
Through that window,
220
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:46,917
So you have to make it pop.
221
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:48,440
- I will.
222
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,007
I'm thinking
Of doing white lights
223
00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:51,574
And simple gold ribbon.
224
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:52,793
- sounds beautiful.
225
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,403
- or maybe strings
Of popcorn and candy.
226
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,274
- also good.
- or should I do ornaments?
227
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:57,449
Strings of popcorn,
Ornaments, ribbon.
228
00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:58,450
How can I choose?
229
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:00,278
- honey,
Whatever you choose,
230
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:02,454
It's going to be perfect,
Okay?
231
00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:04,282
Just listen
To the same voice
232
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:05,762
That guided you
To that tree.
233
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,503
- damn it, melanie,
I was trying to avoid that.
234
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,291
Excuse me.
235
00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:14,597
Earlier today there was
236
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:15,990
A disagreeable
British woman here.
237
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:18,558
- yeah, you.
238
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,995
- I'm talking
About an older woman.
239
00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:24,346
Older than me.
240
00:09:24,389 --> 00:09:26,304
- oh, you mean margaret.
241
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:27,610
She's mrs. Claus,
242
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:30,526
Over there
In santa's village.
243
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,920
- I'm so sorry.
Excuse me.
244
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:35,705
Excuse me, can I just
Squeeze through here?
245
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:37,185
- there's a line!
246
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:38,926
- yeah, I just want to ask
A quick question.
247
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:41,319
- yes, you wear
Too much makeup.
248
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,802
- hey, why isn't she
Sitting on santa's lap?
249
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,022
- I just--
250
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,632
Fine.
251
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,199
Sorry, santa.
252
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:52,200
- ha ha.
253
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:54,637
Ho, ho, ho!
254
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,726
Wait, joy?
255
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,685
- ted?
256
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,600
- look, I was gonna
Call you, I swear.
257
00:10:02,384 --> 00:10:03,646
- really?
258
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:04,865
You came to my house
For one night,
259
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:06,431
And then you left
Before I woke up.
260
00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:09,086
- he really is santa.
261
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:16,920
- oh, hey, sally.
262
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:19,531
Yeah, I'm just
Finishing up the porch.
263
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:22,143
- yes, it all looks
Very nice.
264
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:23,797
And conventional.
265
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:34,068
Holy jesus.
266
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,504
- coming right up.
267
00:10:40,596 --> 00:10:43,381
Yeah,
So if you'll excuse me,
268
00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:44,905
I'm gonna go put santa
On the roof.
269
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:47,647
- no way,
I own santa on the roof.
270
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:49,910
- you can't own
Santa on the roof.
271
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:51,476
It's a classic.
272
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:52,869
- this isn't over, moretti.
273
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,523
- no, but you are.
274
00:10:54,566 --> 00:10:57,308
Ha ha, good one.
275
00:10:57,352 --> 00:10:58,919
- you coming
To midnight mass?
276
00:10:58,962 --> 00:10:59,876
- I am.
277
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,312
- good.
See you there!
278
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:02,487
Peace be with you.
279
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,881
- and also with you.
280
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,020
- you were
Actually thinking
281
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,761
Of putting tinsel
On that beautiful tree?
282
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,414
- it's just one idea.
283
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:19,156
- I've coughed up better ideas
Into this hankie.
284
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:21,724
- oh, really?
285
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:24,161
Well, then maybe I'll do it
Just to spite you.
286
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:25,293
- well, I wish
You'd stand up straight
287
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:28,078
Just to spite me.
288
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:29,776
- you're worse
Than my mother.
289
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:31,734
- and you're more pigheaded
Than my daughter.
290
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,736
- thank god my mother's
Stuck in london.
291
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:38,610
- thank god my daughter's
With her filthy french husband.
292
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:41,222
- well, the point is,
293
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:43,833
I don't want you
Anywhere near my tree.
294
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:45,356
So if you have
Nothing else to do,
295
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,750
I don't want you to be
At 68 cedar cliff road
296
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:48,751
Tonight at 7:00.
297
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,797
- well,
Even if I wanted to go,
298
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,450
I certainly
Wouldn't be there at 7:00
299
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:55,018
Because I work until 7:30.
300
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,760
- well, then, you won't care
That euclid is the cross street,
301
00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:59,719
And if you hit the gas station,
You've gone too far.
302
00:12:07,204 --> 00:12:09,119
- I warned you, moretti.
303
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:11,948
Now your santa's
Gonna get it.
304
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:14,211
- sally? What--
305
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:16,779
Is that a gun?
306
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,912
- keep
Your christmas panties on.
307
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,783
It's just a pellet gun.
308
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,263
And you'd better
Get used to it
309
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:26,180
Because all my kids
Are getting one tomorrow.
310
00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:28,095
- you're not actually
Gonna shoot--
311
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:32,055
[soft hiss]
[shouting]
312
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:33,230
Santa!
313
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:37,191
- see you at the party,
Loser!
314
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,803
- santa!
315
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,631
Oh, crap!
316
00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:50,639
- well, thanks to my help,
317
00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:54,121
I suppose
It's not a total balls-up.
318
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:56,645
- shut up and drink your tea.
319
00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:58,473
- my mother always said
The way to a man's heart
320
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,431
Was through
A decent cup of tea.
321
00:13:02,346 --> 00:13:05,045
I take it you're single.
322
00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:07,699
[glass clinks]
323
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,266
- let's all thank elka
324
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:12,226
For hosting the annual
Disco christmasparty.
325
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:15,055
[cheers and applause]
326
00:13:15,098 --> 00:13:17,971
- hey, it's teena fazio.
327
00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:20,190
- wait, you've seen
Disco christmas?
328
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:21,452
- oh, it's ghastly.
329
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:24,629
I watch it every year.
330
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,980
- and we're very lucky
To have the star of the movie
331
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,068
Here with us tonight.
332
00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:29,330
- oh, thank you.
333
00:13:29,373 --> 00:13:30,853
- ernie hudson.
334
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:33,638
[cheers and applause]
335
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:35,031
- what are you doing here?
336
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:36,467
- elka invited me.
337
00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:38,382
I'm proud of you
For being here, victoria.
338
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:42,647
You took my advice and finally
Learned to laugh at yourself.
339
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:45,955
- and now who's ready
To laugh some more at victoria?
340
00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:51,221
- say, "Merry christmas,
Jive turkey."
341
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:55,356
- [fake laughs]
342
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:56,879
Or perhaps instead
I could do a scene
343
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,707
From my oscar-winning
Performance.
344
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:01,275
- boo!
345
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:02,885
- oh, my god,
346
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,583
You two should do
That cheesy scene at the end
347
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:09,413
When teena fazio comes back
To you from ballet school.
348
00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:11,024
- oh, no, no, no,
We could never recapture
349
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,373
The magic of the original.
350
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:14,462
- victoria has a point.
351
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:17,813
That scene
Is hard to do without...
352
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,597
Our disco caps!
353
00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:23,340
I kept 'em as a souvenir.
354
00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:25,299
What do you say, victoria?
355
00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:26,866
- I'd say I'd love to,
356
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:30,173
But, uh--but first, I, uh--
357
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,654
Oh, I have to take the dog
For a walk.
358
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:35,309
- oh, he had a walk.
He's fine.
359
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,920
- oh, no, he's just putting on
A good face for the party.
360
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:40,053
Inside he's dying
Of embarrassment
361
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,882
For the things he did
As a puppy to make money.
362
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:45,710
- hey,
Aren't you teena fazio?
363
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:47,887
- oh, bite me.
364
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:52,804
- oh, my god, it's the judges
From the holiday lights contest.
365
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:54,589
Hi! Hello!
366
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,808
I'm guessing my husband
Told you I was here.
367
00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:59,376
- actually, we came
For melanie moretti.
368
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:02,292
- to tell her she lives
Next door to the winner?
369
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,642
Did you not see
My roof santa?
370
00:15:04,686 --> 00:15:07,080
- yes, sally, we saw it,
Three years in a row.
371
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,951
But we've never seen a santa
372
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:11,606
With lifelike legs
Kicking from the chimney.
373
00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:17,090
We have a new champion,
Melanie moretti!
374
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,439
- I won?
375
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,441
- melanie moretti?
376
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,399
- whoa!
377
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:23,879
[loud crash]
378
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,318
I won?
379
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,712
I won! I won!
380
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:32,061
I won!
I won!
381
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:34,063
I won!
382
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,327
Yes!
383
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:44,987
- "To the neighborhood tavern
Victoria slunk,
384
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:48,904
Never doubting that
She would feel better if drunk."
385
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,037
- another one, please.
386
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,603
[sighs]
387
00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:54,562
Look, I know
It's just a dumb movie,
388
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:58,696
But I've never been good
At laughing at myself.
389
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,221
It makes me feel small.
390
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:02,874
There's just
Something degrading
391
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:07,053
About having your nose
Rubbed in the mess you made.
392
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:09,403
You've been there.
393
00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:15,017
Look at me.
394
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,976
Ah, I'm drinking alone
In a bar,
395
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:20,414
Talking to a dog
On christmas eve.
396
00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:21,937
Could it get any worse?
397
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,808
- hey, turn up the tv.
[chuckles]
398
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,245
It's disco christmas.
399
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,944
[disco music plays]
400
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,642
- oh, god.
401
00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:33,383
On this night of all nights,
402
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:36,996
Could I please be rid of
This horrible christmas curse?
403
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,040
- what's my secret, sally?
404
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:41,565
One word.
Attention to detail.
405
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:42,697
- that's three words.
406
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,829
- loser says what?
407
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:47,745
For example,
I used over 20,000 bulbs.
408
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:51,836
But still, I noticed this
Tiny little scamp misbehaving.
409
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,621
[electricity pops]
410
00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:55,492
- and if you do this for me,
411
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,668
I promise that I will never
Ask for anything
412
00:16:57,712 --> 00:16:59,409
Ever, ever again.
413
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,544
Oh, my god.
414
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:06,286
And two more oscars
And eternal youth.
415
00:17:08,417 --> 00:17:11,334
- "Victoria laughed,
For she hadn't a doubt
416
00:17:11,377 --> 00:17:14,816
"That the party would end
When the power went out.
417
00:17:14,858 --> 00:17:16,512
"On her skinny-ass legs,
418
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:19,038
"She skipped home
In a trice,
419
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,867
"Believing that god chose
To take her advice.
420
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:26,219
Then from out of the house
There arose shouts of glee."
421
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:27,742
[laughter]
422
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:30,962
- why on earth would they laugh
When they don't have tv?
423
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:34,879
[muffled music plays]
424
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,839
[disco music plays]
425
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:40,102
♪
426
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:43,105
- "And out in the cold,
427
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,759
She felt kind of jerky."
428
00:17:44,802 --> 00:17:47,109
- maybe, just maybe,
429
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:50,330
I've been the jive turkey.
430
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:55,596
- now do the scene
From the end of the movie.
431
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,076
- I can't do it alone.
432
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,773
Who wants to play teena?
433
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:01,863
- nobody plays teena fazio
But me.
434
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:06,259
- teena, you came back, girl.
435
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:08,478
- and I'm gonna
Marry you, leroy,
436
00:18:08,522 --> 00:18:11,090
Even though my parents say
You don't have enough money.
437
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,308
- didn't I tell you?
438
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:15,006
I just won the lottery.
439
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:18,053
- looks like we can have
What we always dreamed of.
440
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,446
- a disco christmas
441
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:21,796
And a funky new year.
442
00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:25,147
- that was great.
443
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,149
Oh, we're so glad
You came back.
444
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:30,109
- it wouldn't feel like
Christmas without you.
445
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,372
- the power's back on.
- oh.
446
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,025
- victoria,
Can we watch the movie?
447
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:36,680
- yeah,
Let's all laugh at me.
448
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:42,251
- you know, it's christmas
Morning in england right now.
449
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:44,906
I think your daughter
Might like a call from you.
450
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:48,127
- I think your mother
Might tolerate a call from you.
451
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:52,131
Any plans
For new year's eve?
452
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:55,003
- nothing you'd approve of.
453
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:57,048
Care to join me?
454
00:18:57,092 --> 00:19:00,008
- sounds dreadful.
455
00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:02,924
I'll be there.
456
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,404
- shut up, british people.
457
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:06,145
The movie's starting.
458
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:09,148
[disco music plays]
459
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:15,023
- I just got off the phone
With my mother.
460
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,199
We actually had
A nice talk.
461
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,983
I said I wanted
A mother-free christmas,
462
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:22,291
But turns out,
I miss the old boot.
463
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:24,728
- and I wanted to be free
Of disco christmas,
464
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:27,209
But that's
Because I never watched it.
465
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,951
Turns out
I'm wonderful in it.
466
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,996
- and I talked to my kids,
467
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,216
And they miss me so much,
They're having
468
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,175
A terrible christmas with
Their girlfriend and boyfriend.
469
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,567
- oh, you must be so happy.
- aw.
470
00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:38,916
- I am.
471
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,528
- it's official.
472
00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:42,877
Merry christmas, everyone.
473
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,228
- oh, our first cleveland
Christmas together.
474
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,796
- there is no place
I would rather be.
475
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:50,363
[bells jingling]
476
00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:51,799
- sleigh bells.
477
00:19:51,842 --> 00:19:53,061
Maybe it's santa.
478
00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:55,324
- no, that's my new timer.
479
00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:58,197
Still way off.
480
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,157
- merry christmas, elka.
481
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:06,683
- merry christmas,
Ho-ho-hos.
482
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,432
"So the message I have
For each girl and boy
483
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,435
"Is god bless us,
Everyone.
484
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:21,655
All except joy."
485
00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:22,830
- elka!
486
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:26,094
- ah, what the heck?
Joy too.
487
00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:30,881
All: merry christmas
And a happy new year.
488
00:20:35,408 --> 00:20:36,757
[upbeat music]
489
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,063
- ♪ ba-ba, ba-ba
490
00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:41,457
♪ ba-ba, ba-ba
491
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:46,549
♪
492
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:48,769
♪ ba-ba, ba-ba
493
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:51,598
♪ ba-ba, ba-ba
494
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:01,216
♪ hey!
34293
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