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1
00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:10,544
- hot in cleveland
Is recorded
2
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:12,280
In front of
A live studio audience.
3
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,747
Look, I can do it this time.
4
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,083
I can look happy.
5
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:16,750
Try another one.
- okay.
6
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,919
And the winner
Of the academy award
7
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:22,156
For best supporting actress
Is...
8
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,224
Helen mirren.
9
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:24,925
- [bleep].
10
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,897
- honey, you can't say that
On tv.
11
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:31,399
- oh, I know.
12
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:34,402
Why am I incapable
Of faking happiness
13
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:36,370
For other people?
14
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:39,373
Melanie, how do you do it?
15
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:40,541
- I'm not faking it.
16
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,810
I am genuinely happy
When others do well.
17
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:46,180
- but...Why?
18
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:48,849
Well, at least
With elka sitting next to me,
19
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,951
Someone will smile convincingly
If I lose.
20
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,019
- again,
21
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,222
Elka is staying
In cleveland.
22
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,056
Her city council election's
The same night
23
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,258
As the oscars.
24
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,692
I'm your date now.
25
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,128
Melanie lost the coin toss.
26
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,396
- and I am genuinely happy
For you, joy.
27
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,899
- wow.
That was so gracious.
28
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,135
You know, I can do that.
29
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:08,936
No, no, no.
Joy, announce the winner again.
30
00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,138
- okay.
31
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:12,940
And the academy award
Goes to...
32
00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,175
Helen mirren.
33
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,644
- [bleep].
34
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,246
Was that better?
35
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,850
- oh, look!
36
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,953
George clooney looks so cute.
37
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,955
- how did it go
At the latino festival?
38
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,157
- oh, great.
39
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:30,958
They're all gonna vote
For me.
40
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:33,161
- because you lied to them,
41
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,628
Like you lie to everyone.
42
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,531
She promised them
She'd make spanish
43
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:41,702
The official language
Of cleveland.
44
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:46,174
- campaign promises--
They're like joy's dates.
45
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:50,544
They do the deed,
And then they disappear.
46
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:51,812
- ooh, hey,
While you were out,
47
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,714
Did you see the billboards
For my radio show?
48
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,883
- yes, it's a beautiful picture
Of you.
49
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,185
- thank you.
50
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,952
It's all part of
This new marketing campaign.
51
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:02,022
And the station manager--
Well, he let me bring this home.
52
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:04,392
- oh, wow.
- gorgeous.
53
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:07,395
- they may have photoshopped it
Just a itty-bitty-bitty bit.
54
00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:08,862
- just like you.
55
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,364
- it's wonderful
You don't care
56
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:11,865
What people are saying about it
57
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:14,402
On photoshopflop.Com.
58
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,740
- what?
What's photoshopflop.Com?
59
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:22,476
- it's a website with pictures
Of famous people
60
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:26,480
Before and after they've
"Allegedly" been altered.
61
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,216
- oh, my god.
62
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:30,218
They took
This totally unflattering
63
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,552
"Before" picture of me
64
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:35,356
And posted it right next
To what I really look like.
65
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:38,559
Okay, maybe I have gained
A few pounds
66
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,660
Since I broke my foot
67
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,094
And I haven't been able
To exercise,
68
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,663
But this is just mean.
69
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,132
- I promise,
If I'm elected,
70
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:46,467
I will see that anyone
71
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:50,671
Who makes fun of you
Is killed.
72
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,507
- I appreciate that, elka,
But you know what?
73
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:54,942
Maybe this is just
My wake-up call.
74
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,445
I am not gonna leave this house
Until I look like her.
75
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,612
[doorbell rings]
76
00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,613
All I have to do
Is not eat
77
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,349
And avoid
Any emotional triggers
78
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,683
That are gonna make me
Want to eat.
79
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:03,717
[chuckles]
80
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,753
- hi, baby.
- oh, my god.
81
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,823
It's my mom.
82
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:12,493
And I'm pretty sure
I just gained 5 pounds.
83
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,930
[upbeat music]
84
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,267
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
85
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,436
* ba-ba, ba-ba
86
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:23,437
* hey!
87
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:24,438
- look, melly,
When I saw
88
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:25,606
Those awful comments online
89
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:26,840
Of people calling you fat--
90
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,542
- well, they didn't
Actually say "Fat."
91
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,678
- did you read all of them?
Because I did.
92
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:34,482
- stupid photoshopflop.Com.
93
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:35,649
Horrible website.
94
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:36,884
- I agree.
95
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,987
Every day I look at it,
I'm appalled.
96
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,290
I'm here to support you
Any way I can.
97
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:45,192
If you're going on a big diet,
I'm going on a big diet.
98
00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:46,694
- okay, for dinner,
I was thinking
99
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,695
Kale and quinoa--
100
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,796
- whoa!
101
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:49,863
Nobody can start a diet
102
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,632
This late in the day.
103
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,134
It's not safe.
104
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,869
Macaroons, girls?
105
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,638
- oh, I couldn't.
- oh, neither could I.
106
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:58,806
We have to fit into our gowns
107
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,441
For the academy awards
Next week.
108
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:01,609
- that's right.
109
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,311
Oh, if I was going
To the academy awards,
110
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,313
I'd be stress-eating
Like crazy.
111
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,481
And yet look at
The two of you.
112
00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,517
What's your secret
To dealing with stress?
113
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,218
- I drink.
114
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,622
- I sleep around.
115
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:21,094
- I admire your discipline.
116
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,730
- would you like to see
My gown?
117
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,232
- oh, a sneak peek!
How exciting!
118
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,400
- I'll show you mine too.
119
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:27,735
- oh!
120
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,969
- what do you think?
121
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:32,072
I decided to go
Simple yet stunning.
122
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,206
- wait.
123
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,008
Where have I seen
That dress before?
124
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,243
Oh, that's right.
125
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,578
Tmz.
126
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,647
Someone leaked the gown
Charlize theron is wearing.
127
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,948
- what?
128
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,983
I'm wearing the same dress
As charlize theron?
129
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,084
- oh, don't worry.
130
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,154
It'll look a lot different
On her.
131
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,789
- oh, this is a disaster.
132
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,558
I'm going to be
The lowest score ever
133
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:53,461
On "Who wore it better?"
134
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:55,629
I wish I could just know
If I won.
135
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,665
Otherwise,
I--I'd rather stay in bed.
136
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,199
- oh, like joan crawford.
137
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:00,501
She skipped the awards
One year
138
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,935
Because she thought
She would lose.
139
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,204
- right.
I saw that in mommie dearest.
140
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,407
The networks put cameras
By her fake sickbed,
141
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,275
You know, to film her
In case she won.
142
00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:10,511
But actresses were crazy
Back then.
143
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:13,213
- I'll do it.
144
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:14,548
Oh, thank you,
Joan crawford,
145
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:17,718
For your inspiring example.
146
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:20,053
- you don't hear that
Very often.
147
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,522
- then it's settled.
148
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,691
The academy
Will have to come to me.
149
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,526
We are all going to stay
In cleveland.
150
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,395
No one is going
To the oscars.
151
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,397
- here it is.
152
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,399
It cost a fortune.
153
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,934
But I've always dreamed
Of going to the academy awards
154
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,536
Ever since
I was a little girl,
155
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,406
And now that dream
Is coming true.
156
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,211
- here, joy,
Have a cookie.
157
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,218
- excuse me, sir.
158
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:55,723
Did you drop this $20 bill?
159
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:56,890
- "Vote ostrovsky"?
160
00:05:56,924 --> 00:06:00,428
- sounds like good advice.
161
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,766
- elka, bad news.
162
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,835
People are saying
Councilman powell
163
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,137
Is buying votes
For $10 apiece.
164
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,940
- I'm appalled.
165
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:15,175
I've been paying 20.
166
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,177
- it gets worse.
167
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,847
He's holding a big
"Get out the vote" rally tonight
168
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,214
In port lee.
169
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:22,550
- there's only one bridge
170
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,485
Between here and port lee,
Right?
171
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,819
- yes.
172
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:29,089
- sounds like it's time
For some traffic problems
173
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:31,625
On the bridge
To port lee.
174
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,033
- this was a great idea,
Victoria.
175
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,536
- with elections today
And the oscars tonight,
176
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:44,371
I thought we should all
Free our minds
177
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,840
And meditate on what's
Really important.
178
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:47,975
- winning.
179
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:51,244
- winning gloriously.
180
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:53,213
- I'm not worried about tonight.
181
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,716
- elka did a terrible thing.
182
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:59,086
She caused a traffic jam
On the bridge to port lee.
183
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,222
- how did she do that?
184
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,559
- she sent a mass email
To thousands of seniors
185
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,895
Saying that's where they could
Meet their favorite stars
186
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,498
From the weather channel.
187
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:12,800
- I also told them
The bridge toll
188
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:22,743
- you know,
This mask smells delicious.
189
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:26,514
Hmm, avocado and honey.
190
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:30,818
- and there's no calories
If it's on your face.
191
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,653
- why is it
Whenever I'm on a diet,
192
00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:34,321
All I can think about
Is food?
193
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:35,789
It's almost lustful.
194
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,959
- I saw a study that said
That 52% of women
195
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:41,662
Would choose chocolate
Over sex.
196
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,531
- I sure never told
A bar of chocolate
197
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,198
I was too sleepy.
198
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:49,102
[laughter]
199
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,238
- you know,
Men say they love curves,
200
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:54,875
But what they're really saying
Is, they love boobs.
201
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,711
If sofia vergara's breast fat
Was in her belly,
202
00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:00,213
They wouldn't love her curves
So much.
203
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,649
- those things are gonna sag.
204
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:02,816
- big-time.
205
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,352
- any day now.
206
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,320
- and why do we do that?
207
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,723
Judge each other so harshly,
208
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:12,560
Grab magazines with pictures
Of celebrity cellulite.
209
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,027
You know what?
We women--
210
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:17,230
We need to create
A judgment-free zone.
211
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:20,367
- I'm so glad to hear you
Say that, melanie,
212
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,571
Because I've been wanting
To share my story.
213
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,973
Growing up,
I was so skinny.
214
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,809
I'd eat and eat
Anything I wanted
215
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,978
And never put on an ounce.
216
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,346
To this day, I have trouble
Keeping on weight.
217
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:38,752
Cheese, french fries,
Chocolate, wine--
218
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:41,589
They all fall right off.
219
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,390
Oh, it's so nice
To say these things
220
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,458
And not be judged.
221
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,968
- you know, melanie,
We've been good so far,
222
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,469
And we got
The ankle weights on,
223
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,806
So even breathing's
An exercise.
224
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,307
We deserve a treat.
225
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,610
How about some frozen yogurt,
Sprinkles,
226
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,977
And maybe some
Gummy bears?
227
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,478
- no, mom.
We're on a diet.
228
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:06,747
- come on.
229
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,216
Gummy bears--
They're practically fruit.
230
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,752
- I am not gonna reward myself
With food.
231
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,721
You know, you've been doing that
Since I was a kid.
232
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:14,888
- oh, so it's all my fault.
233
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,023
It's always
The mother's fault.
234
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,524
- no,
It's not all your fault.
235
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,292
I'm just saying
You're not helping me.
236
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,527
- well,
If I'm not helping you,
237
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,162
Maybe I should get out
Of here.
238
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,064
- mom, don't run away
From me.
239
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,232
- too late.
I'm out of here.
240
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,267
- yeah, well,
Not if I catch you.
241
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,673
- can you believe
She ate her face mask?
242
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:33,807
- still in the room.
243
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,884
- I can't believe
It's oscar night.
244
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:47,520
Joy, I'm sorry
You couldn't wear your gown.
245
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,690
But the good news is,
The white of your uniform
246
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,693
Is bouncing light
Into my hair.
247
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,062
- that is good news.
248
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,797
- oh, it's all set.
249
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:59,166
I have my lovely nurse
By my side.
250
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:02,002
And george clooney
Will be sitting right here
251
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,672
In his adorable
Doggy tux,
252
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:09,242
Staying put because I put
A little bacon grease on my leg.
253
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,444
Could you open that window
Just a skosh
254
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,180
So the candles flicker,
255
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,448
Making my eyes dance?
256
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,284
[buzzing]
257
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,053
Now, if I win--
And we all know I should--
258
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,555
A red light will appear
On that camera,
259
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:25,458
Which will be a direct feed
To the network broadcast.
260
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:29,529
I gaze at my adoring fans
And despising peers,
261
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,965
Make a quick gasp of surprise,
Like this...
262
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,234
[gasps]
263
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,104
Bee!
264
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,507
- how'd it go with your mom?
- oh, terrible.
265
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,075
She's on her way
To the airport now.
266
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:44,244
You know, I tried to have
A reasonable conversation
267
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,747
Where I calmly explained to her
That she was the cause
268
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:50,350
Of all my problems,
And somehow she took offense.
269
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:51,584
[sighs]
270
00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,020
Any election news?
271
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,087
- it's neck and neck.
272
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,756
- they're talking
About port lee.
273
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,424
Turn it up.
274
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:58,926
- no one can explain why,
275
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:01,061
But traffic is moving
Very, very slowly
276
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:04,397
On the bridge to port lee.
277
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:08,001
- they can't pin it on me.
278
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,337
[phone rings]
279
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,740
- mamie sue johnson.
280
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:15,108
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
281
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:19,747
It's the plain dealer.
They're pinning it on you.
282
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,786
They have a copy
Of the port lee email.
283
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:28,856
- tell them I have
No prior knowledge of this.
284
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:31,324
- elka ostrovsky
Had no prior knowledge of this.
285
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,660
- she's gonna fire
The person responsible.
286
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,163
- she's going to fire
The person responsible.
287
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,497
- mamie sue johnson.
288
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,199
- mamie sue johnson.
289
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,838
That's me.
290
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,040
You chris christie'd me!
291
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,414
- it's just politics.
292
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,584
- you know, if I am fired,
I should go.
293
00:11:57,617 --> 00:11:59,619
No need to drive me home.
294
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:02,155
I'll take the bus
You threw me under.
295
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:06,927
- most of the swelling
Is on the inside of your mouth.
296
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:12,833
The rest I made look like
A cindy crawford beauty mole.
297
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,035
- well, with lighting,
You can hide anything.
298
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:19,006
Rumor has it,
Eva mendes has a hunchback.
299
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,508
- you started that rumor.
300
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:24,344
- and it never caught on
The way I'd hoped.
301
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,179
Well, we just need to move
All the candles
302
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:28,215
To the good side
Of my face.
303
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,382
- careful.
304
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,884
There's a lot of chemicals
In the air
305
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,053
From your hair spray,
And it could catch on--
306
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,822
[gasps]
307
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:37,324
- I know.
I know.
308
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,926
I shouldn't drink
On an empty stomach.
309
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:41,862
But my mom's not here,
So I can do what I want.
310
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,964
- if you're done talking
To your wine glass,
311
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:47,000
I'm trying to hear the tv.
312
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:49,202
- oh, look, I think
They're going to say who won.
313
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,704
- with 80% of the votes counted,
We are calling
314
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:54,707
The hotly contested
Tenth council district race
315
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,709
For elka ostrovsky.
316
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,211
- you won!
317
00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,880
- I won?
318
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:04,117
[cheering]
319
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,853
- what's all the screaming
About down here?
320
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,087
- elka won.
321
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,288
- oh, congratulations.
322
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,689
- hey, what's all the screaming
About up there?
323
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,058
- oh, victoria got stung
By a bee,
324
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,192
And her hair caught on fire,
325
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,461
But it's all going
To be fine.
326
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,663
- we're told that
Ex-councilman powell
327
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:20,233
Will be calling ostrovsky soon
To graciously concede.
328
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:24,571
[phone rings]
329
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:27,007
- hey, powell.
330
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,210
No, you go to hell.
331
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:33,580
No,
You go to hell.
332
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:36,316
No, you go to hell!
333
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,186
- the turban totally works.
334
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:45,692
It sells your illness with
Classic old hollywood glamour.
335
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:48,661
- so I might start a trend?
336
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:52,165
- sure.
Why not?
337
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,934
- well, we have an hour
To relax.
338
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:55,202
Check out the live feed.
339
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:56,803
Let's see what's going on
At the oscars.
340
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,272
- the academy awards
Will be right back
341
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,774
With the awards for
Best sound editing...
342
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,776
- total snooze fest.
We got time.
343
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:06,013
- and best actress
In a supporting role.
344
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,514
- what?
Already?
345
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:08,949
- oh, my god.
346
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,918
You told us your category
Wasn't up for another hour.
347
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,285
- no, well,
That's what they told me.
348
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:13,753
They said it would be on
At 5:30.
349
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,688
And since there's
A four-hour time difference
350
00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,590
Between actual time
And ohio time--
351
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:20,093
- it's a three-hour difference,
You cotton-headed actress.
352
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:22,963
- oh, god!
I could be on camera any second.
353
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,932
I'm nervous.
I need wine.
354
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:27,734
- no. I could be on camera too.
I need wine.
355
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,769
[gasps]
356
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:35,943
- what the hell
Am I gonna do?
357
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,777
They're about to announce
My category.
358
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:38,946
- don't panic.
359
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,647
We'll just turn your jacket
Around.
360
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,149
Remember when celine dion
361
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:44,217
Wore that backwards tux
To the oscars?
362
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,954
- she looked like
A mentally challenged caterer.
363
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,789
- yes, but a gorgeous,
Sexy, young
364
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,993
Mentally challenged caterer.
365
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:55,428
- I'm listening.
366
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:58,431
- I share this award
With my assistant sound editor
367
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:01,434
And best friend,
Chelsea myers.
368
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,003
I couldn't have won
Without you.
369
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,672
- I couldn't have won
Without mamie sue.
370
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:08,141
- and winning wouldn't be fun
Without you.
371
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:12,645
- you're right,
Boring sound guy.
372
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,448
- most of all,
I want to thank my mother.
373
00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:19,119
Mom, I'd give anything to
Have you here with me tonight.
374
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,588
This is for you.
Hug your moms, everyone.
375
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,556
[applause]
376
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,758
- now boring sound guy
Is right about me.
377
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:29,262
But I can't hug my mom
Because I chased her away.
378
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,597
And you know who I blame?
379
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,598
- yourself?
380
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:32,632
- no.
381
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,101
Her.
382
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,602
And this--
This unrealistic idea
383
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,504
Of what women
Are supposed to be.
384
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,506
I blame her
And--and hollywood
385
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:40,673
And--and society!
386
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,475
Everyone but me!
387
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,916
- you should eat something.
388
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,388
- ivy johnson for
Night of the hereafter.
389
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:56,723
- hurry up.
390
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:58,825
Can you still see
The wine stains on my sleeves?
391
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,627
- no. It's okay.
I'll just tie them behind you.
392
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,030
- and victoria chase
For cleveland rhapsody.
393
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,232
- oh, god. That's me.
Hurry.
394
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:08,601
- it's done.
You're good.
395
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,370
- I can't move my arms.
396
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,539
Do I look like
I'm wearing a straitjacket?
397
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,741
- no.
You're stunning.
398
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:17,444
- and the oscar goes to
Helen mirren.
399
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:21,048
- [bleep]!
400
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:23,050
- and victoria chase.
401
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,151
- what?
402
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,285
- it's a tie!
403
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,787
[both scream]
404
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:28,955
- you won!
405
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,657
The red light's on!
406
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,293
We've been on tv
The whole time.
407
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,265
[no audio]
408
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:44,204
- oh, my god.
409
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:49,876
- did joy get stung
By a bee too?
410
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,278
- that's her breast.
411
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:55,615
And look at that audience--
Judging them.
412
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,618
Well, I'm judging all of you
Skinny bitches!
413
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:02,455
And I find you guilty!
414
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,957
- oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
415
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,794
Thank you, academy.
416
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,497
Stop it.
Stop it, george clooney.
417
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,764
I'm sorry.
418
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:14,101
George clooney
Is humping my leg.
419
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:18,738
'cause you see, he's attracted
To my bacon smell.
420
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,240
Because he's a dog.
421
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:21,908
George clooney is a dog.
422
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:23,743
I'm not crazy!
423
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,879
Nurse,
Show america george clooney.
424
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:31,151
Uh, yes, I wish I could be there
With all of you,
425
00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:33,653
But I donated my liver.
426
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:37,490
- kidney.
- kidney, right.
427
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:39,359
And while I know
I look horrible--
428
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,028
- no, you do not
Look horrible.
429
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:45,632
Y-you people in hollywood,
You're the horrible ones.
430
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,167
- melanie, what the hell
Are you doing?
431
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,835
- I'm taking a stand.
432
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:52,139
Shame on you, hollywood
And all you size zero dresses.
433
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:55,475
This is what normal
Looks like.
434
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:59,446
And, mom, I'm sorry.
I-I love you.
435
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,515
- I'm sorry, mamie sue.
I'm so sorry.
436
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,351
I shouldn't have thrown you
Under the bus.
437
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,518
- music!
438
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:08,020
For the love of god,
Please, play me off!
439
00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:11,057
[orchestral fanfare]
440
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,230
- oh, thank you, susan lucci.
441
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:19,065
It was so nice of you
To call me
442
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:23,170
And congratulate me
On winning an oscar.
443
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:26,439
Oh, that's right.
I called you.
444
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,176
I can't believe
I won an oscar.
445
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,478
- what an amazing night.
446
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:35,182
To victoria and elka.
447
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,885
The only downside was that
A billion people saw my boob.
448
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:43,089
- oh, stop complaining, joy.
449
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,192
You're making a mountain
Out of a molehill.
450
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,397
- I thought the whole thing
Was wonderful,
451
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:53,966
Especially when you came on
And talked about me.
452
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,269
But you didn't
Have to apologize, elka.
453
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,937
- oh, yes, I did, mamie sue.
454
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,672
You're my best friend.
455
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:01,308
- it was actually
Kind of exciting
456
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:05,212
To be at the center
Of a scandal.
457
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:09,216
A few of the bad boys from
The senior center friended me.
458
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,522
- thanks for coming back,
Mom.
459
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,856
- well, I had to
After I heard
460
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,691
That acceptance speech
At the airport.
461
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,693
- I'm so embarrassed.
[chuckles]
462
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,862
- all I heard was,
"I love you, mom."
463
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,064
Or at least that's what
I think you said.
464
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:28,401
Everyone around me
Was laughing so hard.
465
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:29,902
- I really am sorry,
466
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,404
'cause I really do appreciate
467
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:34,274
That you flew all the way
To ohio to support me.
468
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:36,776
- well, reading
Those cruel comments online
469
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:39,679
Reminded me of when you had
Your scoliosis brace
470
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,848
In high school and the boys
Weren't asking you out
471
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:45,117
And the mean girls
Were teasing you.
472
00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:47,887
Oh, I miss those days.
473
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:48,988
- what?
474
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,990
- I mean, those nights
In the kitchen,
475
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,393
Talking it out
While we made brownies.
476
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:56,696
We were so close, and I loved
Making you feel better.
477
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,499
- oh, brownie nights
Did make me feel better.
478
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,833
And deep-fried twinkie nights--
479
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,669
Oh, I felt like I was
Being hugged
480
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,572
By a thousand
Cream-filled angels.
481
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,039
- okay, in hindsight,
482
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,376
Maybe I did reinforce
Some bad patterns.
483
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,044
- yeah, but maybe
I've gotten to an age
484
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,646
Where I have to stop blaming
My mom
485
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,047
For the things that I do.
486
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:16,516
- oh, sweetie,
You're never too old
487
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,784
To blame your mother.
488
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,151
I still blame mine.
489
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:22,389
Your grandmother
Was a piece of work.
490
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,090
- yeah, maybe
It's all her fault.
491
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,893
- I can live with that.
492
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,096
- oh, hey, you two,
I know you're dieting,
493
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:31,864
But would you like
Some cake and champagne?
494
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,032
- absolutely.
495
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,200
- it's a well-known rule
496
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,003
There are no calories
In celebration food.
497
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,705
- whose rule is that?
498
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,407
Both:
It's a rule.
499
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,578
[upbeat music]
500
00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:47,980
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
501
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,317
* ba-ba, ba-ba
502
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,524
* ba-ba, ba-ba
503
00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,992
* ba-ba, ba-ba
504
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:06,333
*
505
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,337
* hey!
35613
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