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1
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,467
- hot in cleveland
Is recorded
2
00:00:10,467 --> 00:00:12,567
In front of
A live studio audience.
3
00:00:12,567 --> 00:00:15,133
- hello, my lovelies.
4
00:00:15,133 --> 00:00:16,900
- aw, you're lookin'
Happy these days.
5
00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:18,067
- it's mitch.
6
00:00:18,067 --> 00:00:19,300
We're supposed
To be working upstairs,
7
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,233
But I just can't keep
My hands off him.
8
00:00:21,233 --> 00:00:25,533
- ah, he must look
So tiny in those hands.
9
00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:29,000
- now, he's a bit shy about it,
10
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,267
So I promised him
I wouldn't tell you
11
00:00:30,267 --> 00:00:31,400
We were having sex.
12
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,733
The story is,
We were taking a nap.
13
00:00:34,733 --> 00:00:36,600
- oh, boy, I got to tell you.
14
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,533
There is nothing better
Than hitting the old sack.
15
00:00:39,533 --> 00:00:42,233
- she has a name.
16
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:47,233
- well, we better
Get to work.
17
00:00:47,233 --> 00:00:49,200
We have to catch
A cheating husband in the act.
18
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,700
- mm-hmm, I'm the honey trap.
19
00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:53,267
Guess that sounds a bit seedy.
20
00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:55,000
- no, it sounds so exciting.
21
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,233
It's like you guys are
The real-life hart to hart
22
00:00:57,233 --> 00:00:58,567
Or remington steele
23
00:00:58,567 --> 00:00:59,567
Or moonlighting.
24
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:00,867
I just love all those shows.
25
00:01:00,867 --> 00:01:02,733
- well, I don't exactly
Love watching joy
26
00:01:02,733 --> 00:01:04,067
Seduce another man.
27
00:01:04,067 --> 00:01:05,167
- well, it's uncomfortable
For me too,
28
00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:06,467
Knowing you're watching.
29
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,067
- [gasps]
I can do it.
30
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:09,433
I could be the honey trap.
31
00:01:09,433 --> 00:01:10,967
- well, the thought
Of you demeaning yourself
32
00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:13,633
Instead of joy
Is appealing to me.
33
00:01:13,633 --> 00:01:16,533
I wouldn't care
What happened to you.
34
00:01:16,533 --> 00:01:18,767
- oh, mitch.
[laughs]
35
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:19,933
- meet us at the bar at 8:00.
36
00:01:19,933 --> 00:01:21,100
Wear something demeaning.
37
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:23,333
- okay, you got it.
38
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,867
- I have the most puzzling note
39
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,700
On my calendar today.
40
00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:28,333
"Tony arrives."
41
00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:31,633
Was I in a broadway smash
And I'm blanking it out?
42
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,200
- tony's your son.
43
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,467
The one you always forget.
44
00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:35,700
- oh, of course.
45
00:01:35,700 --> 00:01:38,733
Oh, dear, wonderful tony.
[laughs]
46
00:01:38,733 --> 00:01:40,633
Oh, you know,
I don't mean to forget him.
47
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,400
It's just that,
Well, he chose to live
48
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,067
With his father
After the divorce,
49
00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:46,733
And it's been hard
Keeping in touch.
50
00:01:46,733 --> 00:01:50,433
He's such an artistic,
Exuberant, fashion-forward boy.
51
00:01:50,433 --> 00:01:53,333
- you can say, "Gay."
52
00:01:53,333 --> 00:01:57,100
- elka, that is total
Midwestern stereotyping.
53
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,433
But yeah, he's gay.
[laughs]
54
00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:00,567
Gayer than the tonys,
55
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:03,333
Which I guess I didn't win.
56
00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:04,767
- wish I had a gay son.
57
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:07,233
Straight sons will always
Leave you for a younger woman.
58
00:02:07,233 --> 00:02:09,067
- yeah, it is fabulous.
59
00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:10,733
Oh, that boy
Could tie an hermes scarf
60
00:02:10,733 --> 00:02:12,967
Before he could walk.
61
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,900
[doorbell rings]
62
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,200
[gasps]
Oh, my god!
63
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,067
It's my gorgeous tony.
64
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:24,733
- oh, my god,
It's my gorgeous sister.
65
00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:25,900
[laughs]
Saying the word "Mother"
66
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:28,267
Always cost us a dollar
At our house.
67
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,300
- you remember melanie.
68
00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:30,533
- melanie...
- hi, sweetie.
69
00:02:30,533 --> 00:02:31,900
- as beautiful as ever.
70
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:32,933
- this is elka.
71
00:02:32,933 --> 00:02:34,067
- it can't be.
72
00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:36,167
You said you were living
With an older woman.
73
00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:39,600
Who's this breath of spring?
74
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,800
- [laughs]
I want one.
75
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:45,533
- oh, mom,
I hope you don't mind,
76
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:46,767
But I brought someone with me.
77
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,633
- I'm justin, tony's partner.
78
00:02:48,633 --> 00:02:50,833
- oh, well, nice to meet you,
Tony's partner.
79
00:02:50,833 --> 00:02:52,900
How long have you two
Been together?
80
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:54,800
- about six months now.
Right, dude?
81
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,367
- right.
82
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:57,633
- where can I put our stuff?
83
00:02:57,633 --> 00:03:00,200
- the guest room
Is just down the hall.
84
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,933
Let's celebrate.
I'll get champagne.
85
00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:07,133
- oh, tony,
Victoria's just so proud of you.
86
00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:08,533
We were just saying
We're jealous
87
00:03:08,533 --> 00:03:10,167
That we don't have gay sons.
88
00:03:10,167 --> 00:03:11,300
- yeah,
There's just one problem.
89
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:12,367
- what?
90
00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:14,667
- I'm not gay.
91
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:21,100
[upbeat music]
92
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,433
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
93
00:03:23,433 --> 00:03:26,467
* ba-ba, ba-ba
94
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:27,733
* hey!
95
00:03:27,733 --> 00:03:29,733
- tony, what do you mean
You're not gay?
96
00:03:29,733 --> 00:03:30,833
- look, when I was little,
97
00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:32,567
My mom just assumed
That I was gay.
98
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,400
And I knew it would kill her
If I told her the truth.
99
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:35,900
It was easy to pretend
Because I've always been
100
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,833
Interested in fashion
And theater.
101
00:03:37,833 --> 00:03:38,900
You know, I know how to dress,
102
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,700
How to pick out a good bottle
Of wine.
103
00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:44,500
What can I say?
I'm fraser straight.
104
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:49,267
- maybe more
Like niles straight.
105
00:03:49,267 --> 00:03:50,467
- tony?
106
00:03:50,467 --> 00:03:52,867
The only cheese I could
Find is gruyere.
107
00:03:52,867 --> 00:03:54,467
- well, gruyere is
An assertive cheese
108
00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:56,067
With a mischievous, bloomy rind.
109
00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:57,200
Just drizzle some honey,
110
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,233
Add a soupcon
Of crushed walnuts,
111
00:03:59,233 --> 00:04:01,067
And as sure as there's a "Z"
In liza,
112
00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:05,467
Your bouche will be amused.
113
00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:07,400
It's exhausting.
114
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:12,367
- honey, I don't understand.
115
00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:14,167
What about justin,
Your partner?
116
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:15,700
- he's my business partner.
117
00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:17,200
We're software engineers.
118
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,867
We came to cleveland
To persuade my mom
119
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:21,300
To invest in a new app
We're developing.
120
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:23,867
- oh, well, does anyone else
Know you're not gay?
121
00:04:23,867 --> 00:04:24,867
- everyone knows.
122
00:04:24,867 --> 00:04:28,267
I just have to come out
To my mom.
123
00:04:31,433 --> 00:04:34,967
- maybe that might be "Come in."
124
00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:40,200
- in, out--either way,
She's gonna be devastated.
125
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,867
Will you keep my secret
Until I can find the right time
126
00:04:41,867 --> 00:04:43,133
To break it to her?
127
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:45,067
- yeah.
Ooh, can I tell joy?
128
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,067
- does aunt joy still
Get talky when she drinks?
129
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:51,167
- do the indians
Always collapse in july?
130
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:53,833
- they're in a tough division.
131
00:04:53,833 --> 00:04:57,233
- hot damn!
You are straight.
132
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,700
- tony, I think
You should tell your mother
133
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,167
The truth as soon as possible.
134
00:05:05,167 --> 00:05:07,733
It's always best to stop
Pretending and be honest.
135
00:05:07,733 --> 00:05:08,967
Now, if you'll excuse me,
136
00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,467
I got to go trick
A man into liking me
137
00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:14,567
And break up his marriage.
138
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:16,567
- uh, bro?
There's only one bed
139
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:17,700
In the guest room.
140
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,267
- yeah, justin,
I forgot tell you something.
141
00:05:20,267 --> 00:05:22,167
Uh, my mom is a little confused,
142
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:23,233
And the truth might upset her.
143
00:05:23,233 --> 00:05:24,367
Would you mind
Just playing along
144
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:25,733
Until I get a chance
To clear it up?
145
00:05:25,733 --> 00:05:27,467
- look, dude, I'm down
With whatever it takes
146
00:05:27,467 --> 00:05:29,567
To get your mom to invest
In our company.
147
00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:30,700
What do I have to do?
148
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:33,700
- all right,
I want to hear everything.
149
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,833
Now how long
Have you two been lovers?
150
00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:37,567
Is that the correct term
For what you are?
151
00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:41,500
I want to be gay accurate.
152
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:44,167
- lovers is good.
153
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:48,833
- oh, yeah, I couldn't
Be gayer for dudes.
154
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,433
- mitch, stop.
155
00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,067
We need to work.
156
00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:05,667
- okay, I'm here.
157
00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:08,067
- ooh.
158
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,267
Good, we can see you
On our feed.
159
00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:12,200
- oh, my god,
He just walked in.
160
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:16,667
Somebody is about
To get honey-trapped.
161
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:19,300
- beer, please.
162
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:20,333
- hi.
163
00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:23,067
- well, hello, beautiful.
164
00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:24,367
Those are some killer shoes.
165
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:25,867
- I know, aren't they fabulous?
166
00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:27,100
I got 'em at macy's.
167
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,100
They have all the best brands.
168
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,200
This other woman wanted them,
169
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,933
But here's
The interesting part--
170
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:36,533
- melanie, focus.
171
00:06:36,533 --> 00:06:38,500
- but I thank you, sir.
172
00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:40,133
- notice something about him.
173
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:43,500
- so, I, um,
I see by that tan line
174
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:46,867
You recently had a ring
On that finger.
175
00:06:46,867 --> 00:06:48,100
- busted.
176
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:50,133
Yeah, I'm married.
177
00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:51,233
Is that a problem for you?
178
00:06:51,233 --> 00:06:52,833
- no, no, I love cheaters.
179
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:54,200
My ex-husband was a cheater.
180
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,933
That bastard.
181
00:06:57,933 --> 00:06:59,367
You know?
182
00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:01,967
Amazing, sexy bastard.
183
00:07:01,967 --> 00:07:05,133
- you're kind of a weird chick,
Aren't you?
184
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:06,967
I like that.
185
00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:09,133
- well, I like you, too.
186
00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:11,067
- nothing more exciting
Is there?
187
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:12,967
That new attraction?
188
00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:14,767
When all you can think about
Is kissing
189
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,500
The other person.
190
00:07:19,533 --> 00:07:22,600
- I bet you felt that way
About your wife once, too.
191
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,733
- she's terrible.
192
00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:28,100
- yeah, I guess in--
You know in the beginning.
193
00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:31,433
- did you ever try
Couples counseling?
194
00:07:31,433 --> 00:07:32,800
- yeah, yeah.
195
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,700
And all they said
Was we should've come in sooner.
196
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:36,067
Said couples
Would be a lot happier
197
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,133
If they learned how to deal
With their problems
198
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:38,667
Before they even came up.
199
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,867
- melanie, be sexier.
200
00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:48,100
- so, a good-looking guy
Like you...
201
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:51,967
You must have kids.
202
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:53,667
- two.
Six and nine.
203
00:07:53,667 --> 00:07:55,900
- [gasps]
Ooh...
204
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,267
I bet it's really close
To their...
205
00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:01,833
Bedtime.
206
00:08:01,833 --> 00:08:04,067
- yeah, I guess it is.
207
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:08,533
- I bet you just love
Tucking them in,
208
00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:11,133
Reading to them.
209
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:15,433
They grow up so fast.
210
00:08:15,433 --> 00:08:17,800
- they do.
211
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,600
I'm gonna go home
And see them.
212
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:23,900
Nice talking to you.
213
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:26,667
- I think that went pretty well.
214
00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:34,467
- so, it's kind of interesting
What the cheater said.
215
00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:36,400
Do you think we should
See a therapist now
216
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:37,800
Before trouble starts?
217
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,167
- maybe.
218
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:40,967
You know, when I was having
Problems with my ex-wife
219
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:43,267
I gained 100 pounds
In like six months.
220
00:08:43,267 --> 00:08:44,367
- oh, my god.
221
00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:47,967
- I'll make the appointment.
222
00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:50,900
- can you believe how bad
Melanie was?
223
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,700
She's just not sexy,
Honey-trap material.
224
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,067
- it's a little embarrassing
To remember
225
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,967
How smitten I was with her.
226
00:08:55,967 --> 00:08:57,067
- you turned the microphone off,
Right?
227
00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:58,067
- no.
228
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:02,967
No, he did not.
229
00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:04,267
- oh, mom.
230
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:06,267
Uh, I-I have something
I need to tell you.
231
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:07,767
It's kind of big
And it--it might come off
232
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:09,100
As a bit of a shock.
233
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,700
- oh, god, please don't tell me
234
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:14,067
I can't pull off
Sleeveless dresses anymore.
235
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,300
- [laughs]
Oh, no, honey.
236
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:18,400
You got arms
Like an egyptian priestess.
237
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,667
No, um, it--it's about me.
238
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:22,533
- you and justin?
239
00:09:22,533 --> 00:09:23,667
- uh, yes.
240
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:24,767
- oh, he is very handsome.
241
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:26,067
- uh-uh, yes, he is.
242
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,333
- you know, I was a little
Surprised to see you
243
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:29,667
With a redhead,
But in any event,
244
00:09:29,667 --> 00:09:33,300
You'll have beautiful
Vietnamese children.
245
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,700
- oh, mom.
246
00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,467
I think you're getting
A little ahead of yourself.
247
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:38,933
[laughs]
- oh, you're right.
248
00:09:38,933 --> 00:09:40,600
I mean,
You're not even married yet.
249
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,667
Please tell me you're
Gonna get married.
250
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:44,567
You know, we've been apart
For so long,
251
00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:47,633
And I haven't been able
To do anything for you,
252
00:09:47,633 --> 00:09:50,067
But if I could throw you
A big wedding, oh,
253
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:53,067
Nothing would make me happier.
254
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:55,100
Is that what you
Were gonna say?
255
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,833
Say, "Yes."
256
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,200
I have
A major announcement to make.
257
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,900
My son is getting married.
258
00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:06,300
- dude, congratulations.
259
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,333
To who?
260
00:10:09,333 --> 00:10:11,600
- to you, silly.
261
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,900
- oh.
262
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:15,167
- he's so forgetful,
He forgot he proposed.
263
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:18,000
- I did.
But now I remember.
264
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,933
It's all happening so fast.
265
00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:24,067
I haven't quite
Processed it yet.
266
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:25,367
- for a wedding gift,
267
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:28,167
I am going to buy you
Matching porsches.
268
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:31,600
- mom!
269
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:40,967
- it's great that you decided
To seek guidance early.
270
00:10:40,967 --> 00:10:42,267
- well, we've both seen
Our fair share
271
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:43,567
Of bad relationships.
272
00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:45,033
- yes,
And we're both detectives,
273
00:10:45,033 --> 00:10:48,200
So we have a tendency
Towards suspicion,
274
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,100
Even though the two of us
Are soul mates.
275
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:52,467
- uh-oh.
276
00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:55,067
When you say, "Soul mates,"
That's a red flag.
277
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:57,033
After all, relationships
Aren't fairy tales.
278
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:59,467
- but I rather like
Fairy tales.
279
00:10:59,467 --> 00:11:02,667
- fairy tales
Are for children.
280
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:06,400
Now, tell me what you know
About each other.
281
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,433
- lots of things.
282
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:11,067
We both like wine
And sex and--
283
00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:13,767
- and when we combine the two,
It's fantastic.
284
00:11:13,767 --> 00:11:15,400
[both laugh]
285
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,300
- but what about deeper issues?
286
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:18,900
- well, to be honest,
287
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:20,633
If I need to know
Anything deeper,
288
00:11:20,633 --> 00:11:21,900
I'll just wait
Till he falls asleep
289
00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:23,933
And snoop through his computer.
290
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,067
- you do that, too?
- yes.
291
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,200
- aw.
292
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,933
- ah, see?
Soul mates.
293
00:11:28,933 --> 00:11:30,433
- how do you two
Handle conflict?
294
00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,500
- oh, we never fight.
295
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:32,767
- and we never will.
296
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,600
- okay, but lack of conflict
297
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,267
Is one of the biggest red flags
Of all.
298
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,800
Here's a compatibility quiz.
299
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,533
It's designed
To determine if you two
300
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,533
Are emotionally suited
For the long run.
301
00:11:43,533 --> 00:11:44,833
- sounds fun.
302
00:11:44,833 --> 00:11:46,700
- sounds like homework.
303
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:48,533
- wonderful.
A little conflict.
304
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,533
We're off to a great start.
305
00:11:55,833 --> 00:11:58,067
- you're safe.
Victoria's not here.
306
00:11:58,067 --> 00:11:59,333
- oh, thank god.
307
00:11:59,333 --> 00:12:01,433
She is driving me crazy
With all these wedding plans.
308
00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:05,133
- you saw
The matching sailor outfits?
309
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:06,333
- what?
310
00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:09,300
- oh, nothing.
311
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,067
- [sighs]
312
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:13,333
I just can't keep pretending
To be gay.
313
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:16,467
- back in my day,
All men were straight.
314
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:20,167
Even the men
Who slept with other men.
315
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:21,533
- do you think
I should tell her?
316
00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,067
- you're here,
You're not queer,
317
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:27,500
She'll get used to it.
318
00:12:29,233 --> 00:12:31,267
- oh, there you are, darling.
319
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:34,533
Look what I found for
The top of your wedding cake.
320
00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:37,200
[laughs]
Ah.
321
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,700
It's you and justin.
322
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:40,233
And if you press that button,
323
00:12:40,233 --> 00:12:42,533
It plays the theme song
From will & grace.
324
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:47,267
Planning this wedding
Has made me feel closer
325
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:50,400
To you than ever.
326
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:57,433
- oh, god, I can't tell her.
327
00:12:57,433 --> 00:12:59,633
- I was hoping
We'd run into each other again.
328
00:12:59,633 --> 00:13:01,067
- me, too.
329
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:04,333
But could we not talk
About my kids this time?
330
00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:05,500
- how about
You buy me a drink
331
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:06,933
And we'll just talk about us?
332
00:13:06,933 --> 00:13:10,133
- good, she's following
Our script.
333
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:11,667
- well, we've got some time.
334
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:15,433
Let's go over
Our compatibility quiz.
335
00:13:15,433 --> 00:13:21,167
- I got
"A, c, d, b, b, d, a, c, d."
336
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:24,367
So what's our
Compatibility score?
337
00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:26,667
- zero.
338
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,667
- zero?
339
00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:30,167
Well, I'm not worried.
340
00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:33,600
I still feel good
About our relationship.
341
00:13:35,933 --> 00:13:37,100
- me, too.
342
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,567
I'm not worried either.
343
00:13:39,567 --> 00:13:42,733
- good.
344
00:13:42,733 --> 00:13:45,933
- do you realize
You just ate an entire doughnut?
345
00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:49,100
- I don't think so.
346
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:52,067
- so, maybe
We should check in on melanie.
347
00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:54,933
The seduction
Should be well underway by now.
348
00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:58,300
- so, tell me what
You're gonna do.
349
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:00,067
- I'm gonna go home,
350
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:01,100
Tell my wife I love her,
351
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,467
And work on our relationship.
352
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:06,067
- you do that, big boy.
353
00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:14,500
What do you mean
You don't want me to work
354
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,167
On cases anymore?
355
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:17,800
Why?
356
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,867
- because you are
The worst honey trap ever.
357
00:14:20,867 --> 00:14:22,667
Elka could do a better job.
358
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:26,867
- you couldn't afford me.
359
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,633
- well, the good news
Is now you can help me
360
00:14:28,633 --> 00:14:30,333
Plan tony's wedding.
361
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:33,167
- yeah, victoria,
About the wedding.
362
00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:36,267
If tony weren't gay,
You would still love him, right?
363
00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:37,533
- but he is gay.
364
00:14:37,533 --> 00:14:39,600
- imagine he wasn't.
365
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,900
- I will do no such thing.
It--
366
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:44,067
Well, I had no idea you had
A problem with this.
367
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,467
- no, it--
That's not a problem.
368
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,700
I just--I don't think
This wedding is right.
369
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:49,300
- wow.
370
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,400
Much has been learned
About melanie this week.
371
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,700
She can't seduce strangers,
372
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:57,067
And she's more
Than a little homophobic.
373
00:14:57,067 --> 00:14:58,733
- well, I don't think
Anyone's going to need
374
00:14:58,733 --> 00:15:02,067
To be planning my wedding
Anytime soon.
375
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,867
Mitch and I got
A big, fat zero
376
00:15:03,867 --> 00:15:05,900
On our compatibility test.
377
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:09,667
- don't you mean
A big, flat zero?
378
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,067
- now I'm afraid he's doubting
Our relationship.
379
00:15:16,067 --> 00:15:18,533
But I don't know how to get him
To admit it.
380
00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:20,100
- well, you have to find out
The truth.
381
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,567
- you're right.
382
00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:27,100
Somehow, someway,
I have to find out the truth.
383
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,200
Mitch?
384
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,300
I want to ask you something,
385
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:31,900
And I need you
To be honest with me.
386
00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:33,633
Are you doubting
Our relationship?
387
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,133
- honestly?
388
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:37,433
I am sort of doubting it.
389
00:15:37,433 --> 00:15:39,067
I'm also doubting that
I can keep from staring
390
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,833
At that woman's breasts
Over there.
391
00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:43,200
Why did I just tell you that?
392
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:48,133
- because I put truth serum
In your coffee.
393
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:50,400
Wait,
Why did I just tell you that?
394
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,400
- because I put truth serum
In your coffee.
395
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,433
- you drugged each other?
396
00:15:57,433 --> 00:15:58,933
- yes, but with good reason.
397
00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:01,500
We didn't trust each other
Enough to tell the truth.
398
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:05,967
- it was just
A little sodium pentothal.
399
00:16:05,967 --> 00:16:09,733
Surely other couples with zeros
On their compatibility tests
400
00:16:09,733 --> 00:16:12,867
Went on to have long and happy
Relationships, right?
401
00:16:12,867 --> 00:16:16,200
- yes, but not with each other.
402
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,633
Based on your quiz results,
You should be asking yourself,
403
00:16:19,633 --> 00:16:22,700
Should you really be together?
404
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:23,900
- I'm not sure.
405
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:24,933
- me either.
406
00:16:24,933 --> 00:16:26,133
- see?
407
00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:28,533
It's good you guys
Came to me early.
408
00:16:33,433 --> 00:16:36,067
- so who wants to be the first
To toast the happy couple?
409
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:38,267
[laughs]
Melanie?
410
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:39,333
- I'm sorry, victoria,
I just--
411
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,900
I don't feel comfortable
Doing that.
412
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:41,933
- oh, that's right.
413
00:16:41,933 --> 00:16:44,667
You're a raging homophobe.
414
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:46,700
Elka, how about you?
415
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:49,333
- oh, tony knows how I feel.
416
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:53,700
- well, once again,
I have to save the day.
417
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:58,133
Tony, justin,
I am so proud and happy.
418
00:16:58,133 --> 00:17:00,233
I just want to share
This with the world.
419
00:17:00,233 --> 00:17:03,500
Friends, fans, fellow diners,
420
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:08,233
I have an announcement so major
I am fairly bursting.
421
00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:11,067
My gay son tony
Is getting married.
422
00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:12,700
Now I know that
That may come as a shock
423
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:13,800
To some of you here
424
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,067
In the backward province
Of cleveland.
425
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:20,633
- no, it doesn't.
We're fine with it.
426
00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:23,667
- well, look at me,
Changing hearts and minds.
427
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,400
Champagne for everyone.
[glasses clinking]
428
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,100
Oh, they want you to kiss.
- [nervous laugh]
429
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,700
Two seconds, no tongue.
430
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,633
I want my porsche.
431
00:17:38,633 --> 00:17:39,733
- mom, I'm sorry!
432
00:17:39,733 --> 00:17:41,200
I can't go through with
This wedding.
433
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,233
- why not?
What did I do?
434
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:44,267
I can change.
435
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,167
- so, uh...
436
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:55,433
When did you realize
You were straight?
437
00:17:55,433 --> 00:17:58,067
- hm, I guess
A part of me always knew.
438
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:00,933
- maybe a part of me
Always knew too.
439
00:18:00,933 --> 00:18:05,633
Wow...I have a non-gay son.
440
00:18:05,633 --> 00:18:07,200
I guess I'm just going
To have to get used to telling
441
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,100
People that my son likes...
442
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:13,067
Women.
443
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:15,533
- well, not women.
A woman.
444
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:16,833
I have this gorgeous girlfriend
And--
445
00:18:16,833 --> 00:18:20,333
- all right, no details,
I'm not there yet.
446
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,267
- I know it's a lot
To process.
447
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,733
- yeah.
448
00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:25,400
Well, now that we're
Being totally honest
449
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,100
With each other, um...
450
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,800
Did you choose to live with
Your father because you thought
451
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,767
I couldn't accept
Your being straight?
452
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:36,067
- no, I chose dad
Because he needed me more.
453
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,433
And even though it's probably
Not healthy for a kid
454
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,967
To take care of his parent,
That's what I did.
455
00:18:39,967 --> 00:18:41,367
You were stronger.
456
00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:43,867
- oh, my sweet boy.
457
00:18:43,867 --> 00:18:45,933
Well, why didn't you
Keep in touch?
458
00:18:45,933 --> 00:18:48,167
- 'cause I knew if I did,
I'd want to leave dad
459
00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:49,767
And come live with you.
460
00:18:49,767 --> 00:18:51,300
I was avoiding the hurt.
461
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:53,333
Sometimes I would pretend
You didn't even exist.
462
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:57,200
- oh, I did the same thing.
463
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,900
- really?
- yeah.
464
00:18:58,900 --> 00:19:00,167
- ah, so we're equally horrible.
465
00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:02,367
- yeah, we are.
466
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:03,833
Oh, I love you, sweetie.
467
00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:05,333
- I love you too, mom.
468
00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:08,200
- that'll cost you a dollar.
469
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,567
[both scream]
470
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:20,900
- mitch?
- joy?
471
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:22,100
- what are you doing here?
472
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:23,200
- I don't trust this doctor.
473
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,067
I'm here to dig up some dirt
On him.
474
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,933
- me, too.
- you see?
475
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,167
It's our mutual distrust
Of people
476
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,967
That always made me think
We were compatible.
477
00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:31,833
- me, too.
478
00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:33,933
Shall we?
479
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:41,500
Oh, my god.
480
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:43,533
That compatibility test
He gave us?
481
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:45,300
Got it off buzzfeed.
482
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:47,133
This is no different
Than those silly
483
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:50,067
"What disney character
Are you?" quizzes.
484
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,400
- I love those.
Who did you get?
485
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,800
- jasmine.
486
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,767
- aladdin.
487
00:19:55,767 --> 00:19:56,933
- do you know what this means?
488
00:19:56,933 --> 00:19:58,100
- yes.
489
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,133
We're a match, and he's a fraud.
490
00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:03,600
- oh, mitch,
I don't care about reality.
491
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,567
I want our fairy tale
Relationship.
492
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:10,633
- I do, too.
493
00:20:10,633 --> 00:20:12,667
- what's going on in here?
494
00:20:12,667 --> 00:20:15,267
- what would you say
If we said we broke in
495
00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:17,833
And found out
What a fraud you are?
496
00:20:17,833 --> 00:20:20,467
- I'd say
I was calling the police.
497
00:20:20,467 --> 00:20:22,300
- huh.
498
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:23,933
- well, what would you say
If we said that we're gonna tell
499
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:27,033
All your other patients
Where you get your quizzes?
500
00:20:27,033 --> 00:20:28,667
- I'd say...
501
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:32,633
Lock up when you're finished.
502
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:35,733
You two deserve each other.
503
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:40,367
Both: we do.
504
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:45,433
[upbeat music]
505
00:20:45,433 --> 00:20:47,733
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
506
00:20:47,733 --> 00:20:50,067
* ba-ba, ba-ba
507
00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:55,000
*
508
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,433
* ba-ba, ba-ba
509
00:20:57,433 --> 00:20:59,767
* ba-ba, ba-ba
510
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:07,733
*
511
00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:08,800
* hey!
35674
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