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1
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,478
- hot in cleveland is recorded
2
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,546
In front
Of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,615
- okay, elka, we have a lot
Of fund-raisers this week
4
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:15,849
For your city council campaign.
5
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,485
So there's
The big silent auction here
6
00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:19,287
On saturday night,
And then tomorrow,
7
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:20,788
You're speaking
At the irish-american club.
8
00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:23,257
- I have the perfect joke
To open with.
9
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:24,925
- what is it?
10
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:27,528
- why wasn't jesus born
In ireland?
11
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,596
- why?
12
00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,664
- he couldn't find
Three wise men
13
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,666
Or a virgin.
14
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,939
- no, you're not telling
That joke,
15
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:41,075
But I do have a clean one
For you.
16
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,611
What's irish
And stays outside?
17
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:46,046
Paddy o'furniture.
18
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,083
[cricket chirping]
19
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,051
Oh, that stupid cricket.
20
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,454
How come it only chirps
When I tell a joke?
21
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,657
- something's got to fill
The dead air.
22
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,859
- I just got a text
From j.J.
23
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,395
I am finally gonna meet
My young, hot screenwriter.
24
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,530
He's coming over tomorrow.
25
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,732
- is he really a junior
At cleveland state?
26
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,835
- yes, my agent says
That doing a student film
27
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,270
Is a brilliant move.
28
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,705
Now buzzfeed is calling me
Hip and edgy.
29
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:15,876
- if your hips were any edgier,
They'd cut through your pants.
30
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:18,946
- oh, thank you.
31
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,150
- I need help.
32
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,051
I'm meeting mitch in an hour,
And I can't decide what to wear,
33
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:25,853
And I have to look perfect,
34
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,955
Because I'm finally
Gonna tell him
35
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,158
How I feel about him.
36
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:31,859
Of course I know
You're all going to say
37
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:34,395
I should just relax
And be myself.
38
00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:37,698
[cricket chirping]
39
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:41,169
Oh, my god,
Melanie's cricket's right.
40
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:43,571
Being myself with men
Never works.
41
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,673
Maybe I should try
Being the opposite of me.
42
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,040
Normally on a date,
43
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,876
I'd drink alcohol
For courage
44
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,911
And show as much leg
As possible,
45
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:55,483
So tonight,
I'm going to not drink at all
46
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:58,219
And wear long pants.
47
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,388
[all gasp]
48
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,425
[upbeat music]
49
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:06,694
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
50
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:09,963
* ba-ba, ba-ba
51
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,232
* hey!
52
00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:12,833
- so, joy, you said
You had something important
53
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:13,834
You wanted to tell me?
54
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,370
- yes, you see--
55
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,372
Could I just have a sip
Of your martini?
56
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,208
- oh, I thought you said
You weren't drinking tonight.
57
00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,109
- oh, just a tiny sip.
58
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:32,286
- did you want to tell me
You have a drinking problem?
59
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,922
- no.
60
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:37,825
Mitch, I'm just gonna say it.
61
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,528
I am completely
And totally--
62
00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:43,364
- hold that thought.
Baz, hey.
63
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,932
Sorry, joy.
This is my old friend baz.
64
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,600
Baz, this is joy.
- hello.
65
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,001
- you're early, man.
Just give me one second.
66
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,403
Joy was telling me something.
67
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:53,140
You were saying you're
Completely and totally--what?
68
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,975
- needing to go
To the bathroom.
69
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:58,679
Excuse me.
70
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,814
- hey, I hope it's okay
I said you were my old friend.
71
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,483
I just don't want
Anyone to know
72
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:03,984
That I hired
A dating consultant.
73
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,919
I'm terrible with women,
74
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,556
Although I've been watching
A lot of romantic comedies,
75
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,991
And I've noticed
That making a grand gesture
76
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,125
Seems to do the trick.
77
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,961
- okay, first of all,
You're a man.
78
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:17,365
You shouldn't be watching
Romantic comedies.
79
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:18,599
Let's start simple.
80
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:22,102
Notice one thing about her
And compliment it.
81
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:25,273
You find one special feature
No man has ever mentioned.
82
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,640
- I can do that.
83
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,709
- next, ask her a question
About herself
84
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,445
And then seem fascinated
By the answer.
85
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:34,282
Hmm.
86
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,883
Both: hmm.
87
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,585
- okay,
You see that pretty blonde
88
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:39,987
Over there at the bar,
The one separated from the herd?
89
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:43,891
Be a cowboy.
Go lasso her.
90
00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,962
Okay, let's stop.
91
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:54,502
- melanie, it's me.
It's a disaster.
92
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,737
- don't worry, honey.
We're all behind you.
93
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,772
- thanks.
- no, literally. Turn around.
94
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,110
- thank god you're here.
95
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,878
- well, we thought
Things might not work out,
96
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,347
So we have
A brilliant plan.
97
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:10,418
- dear, you look like a woman
Of refinement and distinction.
98
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,986
- thank you, elka.
- it doesn't suit you.
99
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,355
Here.
Snip, snip.
100
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,777
- would you tell mitch
That I needed to leave?
101
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:37,778
- sure, sure.
102
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,046
But can I just tell you
One thing?
103
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:41,482
You have the most beautiful...
104
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:43,451
- legs. Yes, thanks.
Whatever.
105
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,986
- actually,
I was gonna say elbows.
106
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:49,156
Your elbows are exquisite.
107
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,158
- really?
108
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:55,596
I do use a granular scrub.
109
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:59,567
- a granular scrub.
Hmm.
110
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:02,636
So, joy, you married?
- no.
111
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:06,840
But there is someone
I'm interested in.
112
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:07,975
- who, mitch?
113
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,243
- pretty obvious,
I suppose,
114
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,645
Though not to him.
115
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,246
- you know, joy,
Maybe I can help.
116
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:16,116
How about you and I
Go out to dinner?
117
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,386
I'll fill you in on everything
Mitch likes in a woman.
118
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,020
- you would do that for me?
119
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:23,624
- I would do anything
For those elbows.
120
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:26,860
- [chuckles]
They are rather soft.
121
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,696
- it's the granular scrub.
122
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,230
- [laughs]
123
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,201
How's tomorrow night?
124
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,504
- it's a date.
- I'll see you then.
125
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,414
- how'd it go?
126
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,882
- well, your tricks worked,
But I couldn't stand her.
127
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:50,618
She's way into astrology,
128
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:53,020
And she talks
In this awful baby talk.
129
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,522
She wanted to know
What sign I was
130
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,757
Because apparently
Her new "Wittle" kitten
131
00:05:56,757 --> 00:06:01,028
Doesn't like "Awies."
132
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,431
- okay, moving on.
Pick another one.
133
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:06,133
- you know,
I don't think I want to.
134
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,436
The strangest thing
Happened.
135
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,738
When I looked over
And saw you and joy laughing,
136
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:14,041
I think I felt jealous.
137
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,544
- what, are you saying
You want joy?
138
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:19,012
- I think I am.
139
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:20,581
- here's what you do.
140
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,750
You let me take her out
To dinner.
141
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:27,287
I'll find out
Everything she wants in a man.
142
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,889
- hi, mitch.
- hi, elka.
143
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:32,225
- gonna introduce me
To your handsome friend?
144
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,361
- elka, this is baz.
145
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,796
Baz, elka.
- hi.
146
00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:40,734
- has anyone ever told you
You have gorgeous earlobes?
147
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,672
- actually, no, I--
148
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:47,040
Hey.
149
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,976
You're good.
150
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,513
- now watch me walk away.
151
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,790
[doorbell chimes]
152
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:03,891
- hi.
153
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,359
- you've obviously got
The wrong house.
154
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:08,496
No one here
Would ever order a pizza.
155
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:11,499
I mean, sometimes we get one
Just to sniff it,
156
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,534
But then we immediately
Squirt it with windex
157
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,803
And throw it out.
158
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,370
Why am I telling you this?
159
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:18,939
You probably
Don't even speak english.
160
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,340
- I speak english.
161
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,843
- oh, well, good for you.
Buh-bye.
162
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:31,218
Look, I'm expecting someone
For a very important meeting.
163
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,522
He's a young, hip screenwriter
Who wrote a brilliant script.
164
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:38,792
- brilliant?
- yes, that means molto bene.
165
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,161
Although
I'll never tell him.
166
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,430
I need to bend him
To my will,
167
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:45,966
Mold him
Like a piece of marble.
168
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,603
- you carve marble.
You mold clay.
169
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,438
- I know what I'm saying.
170
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:54,007
After all,
Which one of us speaks english?
171
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:57,545
- I'm not sure.
172
00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,979
Maybe we should start again.
173
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,848
I'm j.J.,
174
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:03,216
And I hear
I've written a brilliant script.
175
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:09,590
- you're j.J.?
But you're not young and hip.
176
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,125
You're--
How can I put this nicely?
177
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:16,063
You're old and cleveland-y.
178
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,565
- I was afraid
You were going to be
179
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,432
A crazy hollywood actress.
180
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:22,069
- so we were both wrong.
181
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,604
- sure.
182
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:26,406
I'm guessing this pizza's
All for me.
183
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:28,742
- oh, I'll sniff a slice.
184
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,678
[sniffs]
185
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,379
Ah.
186
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,314
Just one.
187
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:39,286
- hey, thanks for making
The coffee.
188
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:40,420
- no problem.
189
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:41,989
Something tells me
You like having people
190
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,624
Do things for you.
191
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:53,100
I'm actually glad that you're
Not some young college hotshot.
192
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,835
Oh, nothing gets me
More depressed
193
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,838
Than when young people
Are good at things.
194
00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:01,074
- well, I'm glad
You're perfect for the role.
195
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:05,879
You're a gifted actress
And a concert pianist.
196
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,616
- yeah.
197
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,451
Uh, now might be
A good time to mention
198
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:14,021
That hollywood actors
Are expected
199
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,089
To embellish their resumes.
200
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,025
- so you don't play the piano?
201
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,628
- mm, not excellently,
202
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:24,632
But I am really good
At doing brilliant piano hands.
203
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:27,534
- [laughs]
204
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,202
No, no,
I need someone who can play.
205
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,771
You see, this character
Expresses her emotions
206
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:31,772
Through music.
207
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:34,207
- oh, oh, you want emotions?
Huh.
208
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:36,143
Anger.
209
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,279
Sad.
210
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,116
Mischievous.
211
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:47,788
- yeah, I don't think
This is gonna work out.
212
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:48,822
- no, no, no.
Listen.
213
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,091
I love this script,
214
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,860
And I love
The character you created.
215
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,395
I will do anything
To play this part.
216
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:59,032
- fine, get a piano here today.
I'll start teaching you tonight.
217
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,368
- oh, thank you.
You won't regret it.
218
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,469
- yeah.
219
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,437
- happy.
220
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:10,543
- and I love the way he smells
And his generosity.
221
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,579
I can't stand a cheap man.
222
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:14,347
Oh, and he's not obsessed
With sports.
223
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:17,050
But I'm really hoping
To find out what he likes.
224
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:21,054
- well, mitch is really
Into astrology.
225
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,423
- astrology.
- mm.
226
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:27,327
Also--this is gonna sound
Kind of weird.
227
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,832
- he really loves it?
228
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,768
- he "Wea-wy woves" it.
229
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,673
- [playing bright music]
230
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:43,510
- you're amazing.
I had no idea.
231
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,778
*
232
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:45,779
- [sneezes]
233
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:46,880
- bless you.
234
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,816
- thanks.
235
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,590
- victoria,
A player piano?
236
00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:00,127
Unless j.J.'s an idiot,
He's never gonna fall for that.
237
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:03,596
- well, you fell for it.
238
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,966
- I'm very trusting.
239
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,434
So what's j.J. Like?
240
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,837
- well, he's actually
Kind of brilliant
241
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:13,406
In a gruff,
Diamond-in-the-rough way.
242
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,508
I'm oddly taken with him.
243
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,978
That's why I bought
The player piano.
244
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:21,749
He makes me want to appear to be
A better person.
245
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,616
[doorbell chimes]
246
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:27,654
Hi, j.J.
- victoria, I'm in shock.
247
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,322
I heard you playing
Walking up the street.
248
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,158
It sounded beautiful.
- aw, thanks.
249
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:33,360
You know, playing the piano's
Kind of like riding a bike.
250
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,128
Once you learn,
You never forget.
251
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:39,166
- everybody hold still.
The cricket's on the piano.
252
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:42,169
[music playing]
253
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:46,006
*
254
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,942
- also, I don't know
How to ride a bike.
255
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,314
- so what did joy tell you?
256
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:57,818
- well, she likes a man
To smell like a man,
257
00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:00,788
So don't shower
For a few days.
258
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:03,290
Get ripe.
259
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,292
- you sure?
- that's what she said.
260
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:09,462
And she wants a guy
That loves sports.
261
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,499
And be frugal.
She admires a penny pincher.
262
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,068
- but this is all so different
Than the way she's seen me act.
263
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,069
- so?
264
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,604
You tell her
You have a work self
265
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,039
And a true self.
266
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,573
Now, go get stinky.
267
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:24,177
- yes, for joy.
268
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:27,180
- [playing graceful melody
Off-key]
269
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:35,122
*
270
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:41,261
- you're getting there, kid.
Let's do it again.
271
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,832
- no, no, no, no, no.
No more practicing.
272
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,967
I know.
Let's go to dinner.
273
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,836
- you're hungry?
274
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:53,273
- well, I could sniff
Some chinese.
275
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,108
We could swing by your place,
So you could change.
276
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,443
I'm sure
It was just an oversight,
277
00:12:56,443 --> 00:13:00,213
But you're wearing a brown belt
And black shoes.
278
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,916
- my most comfortable belt
With my most comfortable shoes.
279
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,285
- all right,
Well, that's a slippery slope.
280
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,154
I mean, once you start dressing
For comfort,
281
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:11,024
Before you know it,
You'll be eating for pleasure.
282
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,359
- I always eat
For pleasure.
283
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:15,362
- well, I haven't done that
Since the '80s.
284
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,629
- I can honestly say
285
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,099
I have never met a woman
Like you.
286
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:22,702
- thank you.
287
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,137
You know,
When you go to hollywood,
288
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,738
You're gonna meet
A lot of people like me.
289
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,140
- I'd never leave cleveland.
290
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,310
My memories with my late wife
Are here.
291
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:34,081
This movie
Is my last love letter to her.
292
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:37,684
- that must be why
It touched me so when I read it.
293
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,086
You must miss her terribly.
294
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:41,754
I know
I miss my husband.
295
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,657
- the worst time for me
Is waking up.
296
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,194
It's that brief moment
Just before you're conscious
297
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,529
When you forget.
298
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:50,730
- yeah,
I know what you mean.
299
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:54,167
I reach over for emmet and--
300
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,569
And the moment
Is gone.
301
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:59,272
- nice to talk about this
With someone who knows.
302
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,441
- yeah, it is.
303
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,410
So there hasn't been
Anyone since--
304
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:06,379
- no, no, no.
I don't date.
305
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,981
- but what if,
306
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:11,351
Oh, like, you met this amazing,
Beautiful woman
307
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,086
Who was willing
To overlook your flaws?
308
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:18,491
You know,
Once you fixed a few things.
309
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,928
- no, I'd be flattered,
310
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:23,163
But I got it right
The first time.
311
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:27,000
- well, she was a very lucky
Woman to have had you.
312
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,735
- ah.
313
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,670
- oh, dear lord.
314
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,045
- this is great, right?
Going out to dinner after work.
315
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,347
Gives us a chance to go
From our work selves
316
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,282
To our true selves.
317
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,651
- yes, to our true selves.
318
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,954
- hope you don't mind eating
At 4:30.
319
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,288
Early bird special.
320
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:51,458
Also, I brought us
Our own appetizers.
321
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:54,561
That's where they get you.
322
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:55,963
Mushroom cap?
323
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:59,967
- thanks, but I wonder if those
Might not have taken a turn.
324
00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,768
- oh, that's not the mushrooms
You're smelling.
325
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,337
That's all me, baby.
326
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,406
I believe a man
Should smell like a man.
327
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,508
I haven't taken a shower
In days.
328
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:12,512
Also saves
On the water bill.
329
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,983
- so "Fwugal."
330
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:19,419
Sounds "Wike" somebody
Is a "Sagittawius."
331
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,257
- oh, you're into astrology.
332
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,559
- yes, I'm a "Tauwus."
333
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:30,263
Don't show me "Wed."
334
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,168
- hey, about those browns?
335
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:38,005
- oh, you like the browns,
Do you?
336
00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:39,672
- are you kidding me?
I live and breathe 'em.
337
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,574
I'm even thinking
About getting season tickets
338
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:42,809
In the dawg pound.
339
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:44,544
We could paint our faces
And go every sunday.
340
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:48,048
[barks]
341
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:49,249
- he smells bad,
342
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:51,518
And I'm making a complete fool
Of myself.
343
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:54,854
- one of those things
I can't believe.
344
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,325
- I better get back.
345
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,027
Wait a minute
And call my cell.
346
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,195
Pretend it's an emergency,
So I have to leave.
347
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,031
- oh, honey, he's gonna see
Right through that trick.
348
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,465
- joy, there's been
An emergency.
349
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:09,036
I have to leave.
350
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,545
- oh, thanks for coming, j.J.
351
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:21,581
Hey, your belt
Matches your shoes.
352
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,650
- it happens
Every now and then.
353
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:24,951
- [laughs]
354
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:27,954
- I'm excited
To bid on joy's eyebrow shaping.
355
00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:29,922
- oh, well, good.
356
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:32,792
- I was joking.
357
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,628
- as was I.
358
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:37,464
- elka, why did you invite
Only men?
359
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:38,831
No one's bidding
On anything.
360
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,733
- well, I've got
A few old things
361
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,702
That I think
They might like.
362
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,072
- okay, well,
I'll get their attention.
363
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,506
[glass clinks]
364
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:51,244
- it's time to say thank you
To three special women.
365
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,612
Come on up, girls.
366
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:55,448
[applause]
367
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:56,549
- thank you.
368
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:57,950
We're always ready
To do our part
369
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,886
For elka's campaign.
- good.
370
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:02,755
Let's starting the bidding
With melanie.
371
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,124
- bidding?
372
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:07,894
- who would give me 200
For this uninhibited beauty?
373
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:10,730
- elka, I am not a piece of--
- $1,000.
374
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,934
- 1,000, really?
Wow.
375
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,436
- and like you said
In the email,
376
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,105
No taboos, right?
377
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,607
- what?
Oh, no, there are taboos.
378
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,142
- get off the block.
You're sold.
379
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,711
- [stammers]
380
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,479
- I have a date.
381
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,448
Mother's gonna have
To get herself out of the tub
382
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,383
Saturday night.
383
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:40,127
- next up on antiques roadshow,
Victoria chase.
384
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,494
- I bid 5,000.
385
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:44,164
- oh, j.J., that's so sweet.
386
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:46,133
- anyone here want to bid
Against me?
387
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,501
Put your arm down.
388
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:52,139
- sold to the man
Who doesn't know
389
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,174
What he's getting into.
390
00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:58,678
- oh, j.J., you didn't have
To spend all that.
391
00:17:58,678 --> 00:17:59,912
You could've
Just asked me out.
392
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:00,980
- it's not a date.
393
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:03,283
I paid for five hours
Of your time.
394
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,784
- then what are we gonna do?
395
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:08,388
- you're going
To practice.
396
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,656
- oh.
397
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,759
- but maybe
We could have dinner first.
398
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,728
- I'd like that.
- me too.
399
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:19,065
- so it is a date?
- I guess it is.
400
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,033
- well...
401
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:24,504
- now, I've saved the last
For last.
402
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,912
Do I hear a quarter?
403
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,447
- joy.
404
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,016
Mitch may not appreciate you,
But I do.
405
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,186
$2,000.
406
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:40,953
- going...
407
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:41,954
Going...
408
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,956
- 3,000.
409
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,192
- mitch?
410
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,627
- joy, that wasn't us
Last night.
411
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:48,728
He played us.
412
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,730
He told me to be someone
That I'm not,
413
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,300
And I'm guessing he told you
To be someone you're not too.
414
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,435
- she's way out of your league,
Dude. 4,000.
415
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:56,603
- you wanted her all along.
416
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:57,770
5,000.
417
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,406
- because I'm better for her
Than you.
418
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:02,008
6,000.
- look, joy.
419
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:04,544
I smell really good,
420
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:07,079
And I waste money like crazy.
421
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:08,448
- you do?
422
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:12,252
And I don't talk baby talk,
And I hate astrology.
423
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:15,888
- I've been a blind fool.
- yes, you have.
424
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,425
- you're everything
That I want and more.
425
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,227
- I am?
426
00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:22,595
- $10,000,
And the date starts right now.
427
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,135
- where are we going?
- not far.
428
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:32,672
You weigh a little more
Than I thought.
429
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,510
- I hate the guy,
But I kind of wish baz was here
430
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,645
To tell me
What to say to you.
431
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:41,681
- maybe you don't need
To say anything.
432
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:46,353
- okay.
But I do need to kiss you.
433
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,459
Your lips
Are really soft.
434
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:55,495
- you should feel
My elbows.
435
00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:01,268
- what?
- never mind.
436
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:04,871
- oh, there you are.
I hope you don't mind.
437
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:09,075
I found something in your shower
That I'd like to keep.
438
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,076
- really?
439
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,778
[cricket chirps]
Oh!
440
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:13,480
You caught the cricket.
- yes.
441
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,082
It's a very rare
Teleogryllus mitratus.
442
00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:17,517
I'm an entomologist.
443
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:20,620
I have a live female in my lab
Ready to mate.
444
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,221
The female
Has no sex organ,
445
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,725
So the male must use
His sharp, barbed penis
446
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,027
To saw
Through her carapace.
447
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,998
We'll watch it together.
448
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,607
[upbeat music]
449
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,009
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
450
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,244
* ba-ba, ba-ba
451
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,552
* ba-ba, ba-ba
452
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:55,021
* ba-ba, ba-ba
453
00:20:55,021 --> 00:21:01,160
*
454
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,231
* hey!
31917
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