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1
00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:10,633
[birds chirping]
- hot in cleveland is recorded
2
00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:12,100
In front
Of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:12,133 --> 00:00:15,700
- you've got to see the text
Message mitch just sent me.
4
00:00:15,733 --> 00:00:19,667
And tell me there's not
A yearning sexual undertone.
5
00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,600
- "That thai food we had
For lunch
6
00:00:21,633 --> 00:00:23,900
Gave me an upset stomach."
7
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,800
- he's thinking about my body.
8
00:00:27,833 --> 00:00:30,167
- mm.
9
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,467
- oh, I know I'm reaching,
10
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,067
But it's the warmest text
He's ever sent me.
11
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:38,133
We're friends, but I want
To be more than friends.
12
00:00:38,167 --> 00:00:40,333
I want to be naked friends.
13
00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:41,600
What do I do?
14
00:00:41,633 --> 00:00:44,433
- I say we have some coffee
And talk about it.
15
00:00:44,467 --> 00:00:46,200
Joy, your nonfat latte,
16
00:00:46,233 --> 00:00:49,100
Nonfat macchiato
For victoria, and...
17
00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:53,667
Ha, once again "Melody's"
Black coffee has full fat cream.
18
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,200
They never get my order right!
19
00:00:55,233 --> 00:00:57,000
- or your name.
Why don't you complain?
20
00:00:57,033 --> 00:00:58,833
- oh, you know
I can't complain to anyone.
21
00:00:58,867 --> 00:01:02,767
- do we? You're complaining
To us right now.
22
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,667
But I know what will make both
Of your problems
23
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,467
Seem silly
And insignificant.
24
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:09,733
My problems.
25
00:01:09,767 --> 00:01:12,267
I am suddenly too in-demand
As an actress.
26
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:14,633
I don't know which
Of these scripts to choose.
27
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,167
I mean, the next project
You pick
28
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,300
After an oscar nomination
Is crucial.
29
00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:20,967
- shut...Up.
30
00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:23,533
- well, you certainly
Are getting more comfortable
31
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:25,067
With that complaining thing.
32
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:27,333
- no, no.
Look at your coffee sleeves.
33
00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:30,533
- what?
34
00:01:30,567 --> 00:01:34,800
"The devil's due, an original
Play by elka ostrovsky"?
35
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:37,200
- could this be
Our elka ostrovsky?
36
00:01:37,233 --> 00:01:39,800
- please don't tell me
There's more than one.
37
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,467
- are we so self-involved
That we haven't noticed
38
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:44,633
That someone living in our house
Has written, directed,
39
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:46,067
And produced a play?
40
00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:48,367
- you know I don't like
Questions that begin with
41
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,600
"Are we so self-involved."
42
00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:53,567
The answer is always yes.
43
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,067
- oh, here we go.
44
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:56,533
Listen to this.
45
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,533
Thecleveland plain dealer
Calls elka's play
46
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,333
"Hilarious and insightful."
47
00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:03,933
There's a matinee performance
In 20 minutes.
48
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:10,800
- [chuckles]
It's elka.
49
00:02:10,833 --> 00:02:13,267
- "When I was a young girl
In poland,
50
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,833
"Just before world war ii,
51
00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:20,333
"I called out to the night sky
That I would give up anything
52
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:23,833
"If my family and I
Could escape.
53
00:02:23,867 --> 00:02:28,333
"A shadowy figure came
And offered me a chance,
54
00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:31,300
"But there was
A price attached.
55
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:34,933
"I thought
He had forgotten...
56
00:02:34,967 --> 00:02:38,067
But the devil
Always gets his due."
57
00:02:41,433 --> 00:02:42,633
- [gasps]
58
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:44,733
That's our living room.
Is this play about us?
59
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:47,500
[knock at door]
60
00:02:47,533 --> 00:02:50,433
- welcome.
- hi. I'm melanie.
61
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:55,067
Oh, my god, I love this place!
I'm moving to cleveland.
62
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,333
It's all so exciting,
Because we're still hot here--
63
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:58,700
So hot.
64
00:02:58,733 --> 00:03:03,600
We're young and beautiful again,
And we can pass for 25.
65
00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:05,067
[audience laughing]
66
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:08,067
- why are they laughing?
67
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,400
- am I talking too much?
Some people say I talk too much.
68
00:03:10,433 --> 00:03:12,700
Do you think I talk too much?
I don't think I talk too much.
69
00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:16,867
- do I talk like that?
I don't think I talk like that.
70
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,433
- and if I am talking too much,
71
00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:20,700
It's because I really, really,
Really need people to like me.
72
00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:24,067
You like me, right?
Please like me.
73
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:29,833
- I have a major announcement
To make.
74
00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:31,500
My career is in the toilet,
75
00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:34,067
So I'm considering
Moving to cleveland,
76
00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:37,267
Though I can hardly imagine
Living in wisconsin.
77
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,833
[audience laughing]
78
00:03:38,867 --> 00:03:40,600
- again, why are they laughing?
79
00:03:40,633 --> 00:03:44,800
- cleveland is in ohio.
- are you sure?
80
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:47,200
- I wonder what's keeping joy.
- oh, here she comes.
81
00:03:47,233 --> 00:03:49,433
- all right, joy,
Brace yourself.
82
00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:50,533
Expect the worst.
83
00:03:50,567 --> 00:03:54,133
- [cockney accent]
Hello, hello.
84
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:57,733
- didn't brace myself enough.
85
00:03:57,767 --> 00:04:00,167
- sorry I'm late, duckies,
But I didn't have a fiver,
86
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,700
So I had to have sex
With me cabbie.
87
00:04:02,733 --> 00:04:05,067
Oh, would you fancy
Having sex with me?
88
00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:08,767
You won't leave me, will you?
Most blokes do.
89
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,933
[audience laughing]
90
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:13,067
- no one's going to leave you,
Because we're so hot here.
91
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:15,467
Some guy called me "Miss,"
And he wasn't elderly,
92
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:18,333
Gay, or using it ironically.
93
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:20,767
- I'm an ingenue again.
94
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,733
[audience laughing]
95
00:04:23,767 --> 00:04:27,067
- some chap called me
"Cutie pie," he did. He did!
96
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,233
But then he noticed me big hands
And said, "Sorry, mister."
97
00:04:31,267 --> 00:04:32,967
I had sex with him anyways.
98
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:35,233
- can we please change
The subject to me,
99
00:04:35,267 --> 00:04:36,633
The famous actress?
100
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:39,167
Me, me, me!
101
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,667
- are you famous?
- yes, very.
102
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:42,833
I'm a soap opera actress.
103
00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:45,733
- oh, do you know susan lucci?
104
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:48,433
[audience clapping]
105
00:04:48,467 --> 00:04:52,367
- lucci!
- lucci!
106
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,767
- ladies, this place
Comes with a caretaker.
107
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,533
Elka, could you come in here
For a moment?
108
00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:05,900
- why are you renting
To prostitutes?
109
00:05:05,933 --> 00:05:07,933
[audience laughing]
110
00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:14,367
[upbeat music]
111
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,700
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
112
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,167
* ba-ba, ba-ba
113
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,533
* hey!
114
00:05:20,567 --> 00:05:22,467
- elka, you made us
Look like fools!
115
00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:25,767
- you write what you know.
116
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,067
- I'm being played by a man!
117
00:05:29,533 --> 00:05:31,933
- he was the only actor
With a flat-enough chest
118
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:33,700
And big-enough hands.
119
00:05:35,867 --> 00:05:37,700
- this play is slander!
120
00:05:37,733 --> 00:05:41,067
- the critics disagree.
121
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:43,400
- "Act two
Is a roller-coaster ride.
122
00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:48,100
Three desperate women hurtling
Towards middle-aged insanity."
123
00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:52,100
- you might not want
To stay for that.
124
00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:54,567
- oh, we're leaving.
- good.
125
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,933
I've got to go see my actors.
126
00:05:56,967 --> 00:06:00,233
They want to discuss
Their characters.
127
00:06:00,267 --> 00:06:01,767
- and what's wrong with that?
128
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:06,333
- if god wanted actors to think,
He would have given them brains.
129
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,667
- you realize I'm an actor.
- I do.
130
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:18,067
- what's our recourse here?
This is so humiliating.
131
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,933
- elka exaggerated all of us,
But let's be honest.
132
00:06:21,967 --> 00:06:23,633
She did the worst hatchet job
On me.
133
00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,733
She made me sound
Like a babbling wimp.
134
00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:27,900
- she called me egotistical
And conceited.
135
00:06:27,933 --> 00:06:31,167
Me, me, me!
136
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,067
- I don't know what either
Of you are complaining about.
137
00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:35,500
I'm the one
Being played by a man!
138
00:06:35,533 --> 00:06:36,933
- all right, now, look,
139
00:06:36,967 --> 00:06:40,300
Arguing amongst ourselves
Isn't going to fix anything.
140
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,633
Now, if we can't change
The writing,
141
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:42,967
We'll just have to meet
With the actors
142
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,900
And change the acting.
- yes.
143
00:06:44,933 --> 00:06:46,233
My character
Should be less wimpy.
144
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:48,167
- and mine less self-centered.
145
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,100
- but how exactly
Will I fix mine?
146
00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:53,900
I'm being played by a man...
147
00:06:53,933 --> 00:06:58,667
Whose shorts are so short,
His junk is showing.
148
00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:01,333
- well, they are
Your shorts, joy.
149
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:04,267
- I know.
150
00:07:07,633 --> 00:07:09,100
- I just thought
By knowing me better,
151
00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:12,633
Your portrayal of me, which is,
Of course, great already,
152
00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:13,867
Could be even greater.
153
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,600
So do you have any questions?
- I do.
154
00:07:16,633 --> 00:07:20,100
Do you think you could talk elka
Into giving me a better part?
155
00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:23,233
- what?
But you're playing melanie.
156
00:07:23,267 --> 00:07:24,600
Everybody likes melanie.
157
00:07:24,633 --> 00:07:26,900
She's the glue that keeps
Everything together.
158
00:07:26,933 --> 00:07:30,467
- who wants to play glue?
It's white and bland and drippy.
159
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,500
- and perky.
160
00:07:32,533 --> 00:07:34,300
- look, don't take
This personally.
161
00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:36,900
This play is obviously a huge
Exaggeration of who you are.
162
00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:38,300
- thank you.
163
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,967
- I mean, no one could be
That much of a pathetic wuss.
164
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:43,233
- you got that right.
The real melanie moretti--
165
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:45,800
She stands up for herself
All the time.
166
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,133
- here's your latte.
167
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:52,300
And, melody, here's
Your chai mint-accino.
168
00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:53,500
- that's not what you ordered.
169
00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:55,067
Why didn't you complain
And send it back?
170
00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:57,467
Oh, my god.
171
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:00,067
You are that big
Of a pathetic wuss.
172
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:02,767
- no, I'm an optimist.
173
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,900
I, uh--
I may end up liking this drink
174
00:08:04,933 --> 00:08:06,700
Even more than
What I originally ordered.
175
00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:10,100
And that's how I look at life.
I see the glass as half full.
176
00:08:10,133 --> 00:08:12,867
- I see it as all the way full
Of crap you don't want.
177
00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:17,967
How do you like it?
178
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:20,167
- so good.
179
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,833
- oh, elizabeth,
Thank you for coming.
180
00:08:24,867 --> 00:08:27,167
- victoria.
- yes.
181
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,800
- my name is victoria.
Victoria chase.
182
00:08:30,833 --> 00:08:32,733
And until this play
Comes to an end,
183
00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:36,067
This elizabeth person you speak
Of will cease to exist.
184
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:38,700
- well, I can't help
But respect your process.
185
00:08:38,733 --> 00:08:40,467
- thank you.
- no, thank you.
186
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,400
- thank you.
- no, thank you.
187
00:08:42,433 --> 00:08:43,500
- thank you.
188
00:08:43,533 --> 00:08:45,667
And scene.
189
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,533
- look, the way the others
Are portrayed,
190
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:55,067
It--it doesn't matter,
They're non-pros.
191
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:58,467
But for me, how I'm portrayed
Could influence
192
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:00,233
The way I'm seen
By oscar voters.
193
00:09:00,267 --> 00:09:01,433
- yes.
194
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:03,533
Everything I do right now
Must be calculated
195
00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:04,900
To get my next accolade.
196
00:09:04,933 --> 00:09:06,467
- wow.
197
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,900
You really do know me.
198
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:11,900
Uh, listen, victoria,
199
00:09:11,933 --> 00:09:14,133
There is something
You could help me with.
200
00:09:14,167 --> 00:09:16,233
I have this pile of scripts
201
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:18,067
That I have to choose
My next project from--
202
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:21,900
- and I must choose the exact
Right one to propel my career
203
00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:23,233
To the next level.
204
00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:25,967
I need to use bribery,
Blackmail, anything it takes
205
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:28,767
To get the role
Everybody else wants.
206
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,100
- I-I'm not sure
I would do all that.
207
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:33,333
- yes, I would.
208
00:09:33,367 --> 00:09:35,733
- no, but--but
Don't we want a part
209
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:38,167
That we could really
Be good in?
210
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,767
I'm so proud of the work that
I did in cleveland rhapsody,
211
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,100
And I'd just really like
To continue to do good work.
212
00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:46,600
- "Good work"?
That's not important.
213
00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:48,267
It's the awards that matter.
214
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,467
I'd sacrifice anything--
215
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:53,500
My relationships, my friends,
My two children.
216
00:09:53,533 --> 00:09:57,067
- you don't even know
How many children we have!
217
00:09:57,067 --> 00:10:00,167
And I'm pretty sure
It's three.
218
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,333
And I don't like the way
You're acting.
219
00:10:02,367 --> 00:10:05,500
You're making me seem
Selfish and--and unlikable.
220
00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:07,533
- isn't that
What we're going for?
221
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:08,533
- no.
222
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,533
Look, I want you to go.
223
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:13,600
- all right, I'm leaving, but
Not without making a scene
224
00:10:13,633 --> 00:10:15,800
And slamming the door.
225
00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:18,467
I never should have moved
To kentucky!
226
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,033
- cleveland is in ohio,
You idiot.
227
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,000
Kentucky is in indiana.
228
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:34,900
- hello.
- hello.
229
00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:37,633
I'm joy, joy scroggs.
230
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:39,300
- I'm jay, jay grepps.
231
00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:43,167
I-I just want you to know
How much I love playing joy.
232
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,200
- well, I appreciate that, but--
- I completely understand you.
233
00:10:46,233 --> 00:10:48,000
In many ways,
We're a lot alike.
234
00:10:48,033 --> 00:10:50,133
I mean, you can't keep a man,
And I can't keep a woman.
235
00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:52,233
Yet, we have
This fairy-tale view
236
00:10:52,267 --> 00:10:54,633
That true love is out there.
237
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:57,333
We may be bitter and cynical
About it.
238
00:10:57,367 --> 00:11:00,167
- I have been known
To be bitter.
239
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,700
- but there's
A sadness behind it.
240
00:11:02,733 --> 00:11:06,067
For me, I think it stems from
Being abandoned by my mother.
241
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,667
- I was abandoned by my father.
242
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:12,367
It's made me mistrustful,
Sometimes even vindictive.
243
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:13,933
- me too.
244
00:11:13,967 --> 00:11:15,667
[both chuckle]
245
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:18,967
How many restraining orders
Have you had against you?
246
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:20,900
Let's answer at the same time.
247
00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:23,067
Both: seven.
248
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,567
[both laugh]
249
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,067
Both: actually, nine.
250
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:30,267
- wow.
251
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,533
- wow.
252
00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:36,900
- are you ripping up scripts?
- not quite.
253
00:11:36,933 --> 00:11:38,933
I met with the actress
Who's playing me,
254
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:40,467
With the intention
Of changing her,
255
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,967
But maybe I'm the one
Who needs to change.
256
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,533
So I've taken off
257
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:46,900
All the cover pages,
And I'm going to choose
258
00:11:46,933 --> 00:11:50,067
My next script based
On the material inside,
259
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,500
Not what famous name
Might be on the cover
260
00:11:52,533 --> 00:11:55,067
Or what awards
It might bring me.
261
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:57,067
Sorry.
[grunts]
262
00:11:57,100 --> 00:12:01,133
My throat just closed up
A little when I said that.
263
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:05,967
- that's a great idea, victoria.
Good for you.
264
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:08,333
And they got
My order wrong again.
265
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:09,567
Okay, you know what?
That's it.
266
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,500
If you can change, so can I.
267
00:12:11,533 --> 00:12:13,967
I am going to straighten
This out once and for all,
268
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,700
Even if they don't like me
For it.
269
00:12:15,733 --> 00:12:17,767
Take that, judge-y actress
Playing me!
270
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,333
Don't tell her I said that.
271
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:23,567
- well...
272
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,500
If it isn't tweedle dum
And tweedle dumber.
273
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:34,167
- not bad, but it sounded
A little written.
274
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,867
- oh, I felt that.
Now, what about the walk?
275
00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:43,133
- put your hips into it.
276
00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:54,233
- I'm just trying to sharpen
My performance for devil's due.
277
00:12:54,267 --> 00:12:57,967
Elka has written
Such a brilliant play.
278
00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:01,167
- but she might just have
To rewrite her play.
279
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:05,067
Melanie and I have changed.
I am no longer self-centered.
280
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:09,200
- and I am no longer wimpy.
- and I am no longer listening.
281
00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:12,133
- now you're getting it.
282
00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:15,967
- [clears throat]
- hi, melody. Your usual?
283
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:17,833
- uh, actually,
My name is melanie.
284
00:13:17,867 --> 00:13:21,633
And you have not gotten
My "Usual" right
285
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,433
For the last six weeks.
286
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:25,300
I just want
A medium black coffee, no milk.
287
00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:26,567
That's my usual.
288
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,967
- are you serious?
289
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:30,267
Idiot!
290
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:32,267
- is there a problem?
- I'll say there is.
291
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:33,733
I've been calling melanie
The wrong name
292
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,633
And giving her the wrong coffee
For six weeks.
293
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:37,200
- what?
You got to be kidding me.
294
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,600
- oh, it's not that big a deal.
295
00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:41,100
- oh, it's a big deal,
All right.
296
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:43,200
We're trying to be a first-class
Coffee destination,
297
00:13:43,233 --> 00:13:45,567
And you can't get there
With third-class service.
298
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,667
You're fired, ranberg.
Hit the bricks.
299
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,367
- no. No, no,
Please don't do that.
300
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,500
- daddy, what's happening?
301
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:57,067
- I got that woman's
Coffee order wrong.
302
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,533
I'll get you a bike next year.
303
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:03,700
- please don't do this.
- I have to, melanie.
304
00:14:03,733 --> 00:14:05,367
I mean, are we so far gone
305
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,333
As a society that this one
Simple act of service
306
00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:10,300
Is beyond our ability?
307
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:13,367
Not on my watch,
Not at stormi's new coffee bar,
308
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,300
And no matter how stressful
It can--
309
00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:18,133
[grunting]
310
00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:21,400
- [shrieks]
311
00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:24,900
- [screams]
[items clattering]
312
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:32,967
- you know what?
My coffee's fine.
313
00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:41,600
[crickets chirping]
314
00:14:44,567 --> 00:14:46,733
- jay, before we do this,
315
00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:48,800
You should probably know
There is someone else.
316
00:14:48,833 --> 00:14:51,067
- really?
317
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:53,400
I was about to say
The very same thing.
318
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:55,300
- you were?
- yes.
319
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,633
But you go first.
- well...
320
00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:00,467
It's unrequited, and it's
Probably never going to happen.
321
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,933
- me too. It's somebody
Who likely has
322
00:15:02,967 --> 00:15:04,500
No interest in me at all.
[chuckles]
323
00:15:04,533 --> 00:15:07,633
- and he's a bad choice,
Because I work with him.
324
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,700
- she's my therapist!
325
00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:11,900
- I've done that as well.
[both laugh]
326
00:15:11,933 --> 00:15:13,367
Oh, god,
What were we thinking?
327
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,933
- I know.
What were we thinking?
328
00:15:14,967 --> 00:15:17,367
I mean, if we had the chance,
We'd only date these people
329
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,267
For as long as we could hide
Our true natures.
330
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:22,733
- but eventually it would
Come out, and they'd leave us.
331
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:25,967
But we don't have to hide
Anything from each other.
332
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:29,067
- no. That's the beauty
Of us, joy.
333
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:33,300
We hate ourselves
Just the way we are.
334
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:36,733
And we'd never
Have to change or--or grow.
335
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:39,100
And we'd never question whether
We settled for less than love,
336
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,433
Because we'd know we did.
337
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:45,067
Oh, we'll be suspicious
And vindictive and needy
338
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:48,600
And unfulfilled
Until the day we die.
339
00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:51,567
Our wedding vows
Are practically written.
340
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:55,267
- [laughs]
341
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,800
- I don't want to be
With myself. I'm a nightmare.
342
00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:59,533
I don't want to spend
Another minute with me.
343
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,767
- it's finally happened.
344
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,767
My thoughts are coming
Out of your mouth.
345
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,167
- the problem is
He's totally into me.
346
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,967
How do I get rid of him?
347
00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:11,800
[thud]
348
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:19,300
- well, that's that, then.
349
00:16:19,333 --> 00:16:22,800
- yes, that appears to be that.
350
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:28,833
- the thing is,
I don't want to settle.
351
00:16:28,867 --> 00:16:31,567
I don't want to give up.
I want to be with mitch.
352
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,600
So I've decided
To fight my fears
353
00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:38,167
And make the first move.
354
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,700
"Can we meet for drinks?
355
00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:45,067
I want to talk to you
About something."
356
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:48,567
If he rejects me,
He rejects me.
357
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,067
- and even if he does,
At least you've learned
358
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,633
You'd rather be alone
Than with yourself.
359
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:59,067
- [gasps] He says, "Sure."
- that's great!
360
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:02,300
- oh, I want to analyze
That "Sure" so much,
361
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:05,400
But I'm not going to.
[laughs]
362
00:17:05,433 --> 00:17:07,600
That said, he responded very
Quickly and in the affirmative.
363
00:17:07,633 --> 00:17:09,100
Let's go to the bar
And celebrate.
364
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,700
- yes, but not stormi's.
365
00:17:10,733 --> 00:17:13,833
I-I have to avoid that place
For a while.
366
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:14,900
- why?
367
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:16,767
- because I learned
A lesson too.
368
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,733
When I complain,
People almost die--many people.
369
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:21,500
But you know what?
370
00:17:21,533 --> 00:17:24,533
I am the way that I am,
And I like it.
371
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:26,400
And if you don't like it,
I probably won't say anything
372
00:17:26,433 --> 00:17:28,533
'cause I want you to like me.
- well, I like you.
373
00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:30,533
- me too.
- thank you. And you know what?
374
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,300
I think the world needs
More people like me.
375
00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:34,167
People that act nice,
Even when they shouldn't,
376
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,600
Just so that niceness
Is in the air.
377
00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:37,633
And I'm doing that thing
Where I talk too much, aren't I?
378
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:40,433
- yeah.
- well, I have an announcement.
379
00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:41,933
After reading
All of these scripts
380
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:43,267
And not knowing
Who wrote them
381
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,167
Or what studio
Is behind them,
382
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,367
I've chosen my favorite.
383
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,433
It's a character study
About a woman my age,
384
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:52,067
And it really moved me.
385
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:56,133
So please pull the cover page
For script number three
386
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:57,500
And tell me who wrote it.
387
00:17:59,367 --> 00:18:00,467
- it's by j.J.
388
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,300
- abrams?
389
00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,967
- no, just j.J.
390
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:07,167
It's titled the painted wall,
391
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:11,233
Aka cleveland state junior year
Film studies project.
392
00:18:12,533 --> 00:18:14,067
- so the follow-up
393
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:18,700
To my oscar-nominated
Performance is a student film?
394
00:18:18,733 --> 00:18:20,833
- you still going to do it?
395
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:23,067
- well, of course I am.
396
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,667
That script spoke to me.
397
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:29,700
I wouldn't back out now even
If one of you tried to make me.
398
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:33,200
So go ahead.
Try.
399
00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:35,133
You can try a little harder
Than that,
400
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:38,833
Because I am not going
To give up.
401
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:41,267
Okay, fine.
402
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:44,500
For the first time in my life,
I am going to do something
403
00:18:44,533 --> 00:18:46,600
Because it moved me.
404
00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:50,067
What's that, melanie?
I shouldn't do it?
405
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:55,067
- honey, I didn't say anything.
- now you don't talk.
406
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,333
But you know what?
407
00:18:56,367 --> 00:18:59,267
There's no telling
Where good art comes from.
408
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:01,867
I mean, even elka's play
Inspired us
409
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,100
To take a hard look
At ourselves.
410
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:05,767
- that's the truth.
411
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,067
- you realize we walked out
Before the play was over.
412
00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:15,333
- before you three
Moved to cleveland,
413
00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:18,600
I was a normal widow,
Living a quiet life,
414
00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:21,233
Not making any trouble
For anyone.
415
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:22,833
And since you got here,
416
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:25,767
I've had to pretend
To be your old irish nanny,
417
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,133
Your gay girlfriend
On a cruise.
418
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,300
I've had to spend jail time
And share a cell with you
419
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:34,400
And your big man hands.
420
00:19:34,433 --> 00:19:36,400
[audience laughing]
421
00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:40,167
Oh, you just turned
My life upside down.
422
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:41,900
- so what are you saying, elka?
423
00:19:41,933 --> 00:19:45,100
- I'm saying...
424
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:46,667
Thank you.
425
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:55,067
- "I realized these women
Hadn't ruined my life.
426
00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:59,167
"They'd broadened it
And given it laughter.
427
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,767
"Sometimes it's more fun
To join the devil
428
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,067
Than to beat him."
429
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:11,667
[cheers and applause]
430
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,500
- so the secret wasn't
That you're doing a play.
431
00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:18,933
It's that you like us.
432
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:23,333
- I keep telling you,
It's a work of fiction.
433
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:25,833
- we made your life better.
434
00:20:25,867 --> 00:20:28,800
- and you love us for it,
You big softy.
435
00:20:28,833 --> 00:20:30,167
- I'm so glad you like us.
436
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,433
- oh.
- you think we're great.
437
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:38,233
- and people wonder
Why writers drink.
438
00:20:42,833 --> 00:20:44,167
[upbeat music]
439
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,567
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
440
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,933
* ba-ba, ba-ba
441
00:20:48,967 --> 00:20:53,800
*
442
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:56,100
* ba-ba, ba-ba
443
00:20:56,133 --> 00:20:58,567
* ba-ba, ba-ba
444
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:04,867
*
445
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:08,867
* hey!
33162
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