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1
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:10,811
- hot in cleveland
Is recorded
2
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,613
In front
Of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,416
- the following is
A paid political announcement.
4
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:19,287
Elka ostrovsky seems
Like a sweet, old lady.
5
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:22,390
But how well
Do we know her?
6
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:26,094
We know she's been in jail.
7
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:28,762
We know she's was married
To the mob.
8
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:31,599
[gunfire]
9
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,935
We know she lives
With three single women.
10
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,071
[buzzer]
11
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,006
What's that about?
12
00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:45,513
Is this the kind of person
You want approving appointees
13
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:48,216
To the municipal
Utilities commission?
14
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:51,452
I don't think so.
15
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:54,054
Vote jim powell
For city council.
16
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,456
- I'm a disabled
17
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,658
African-american
Ohio state football hero,
18
00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:00,994
And I approve this message.
19
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,197
- elka,
As your campaign manager,
20
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,565
My first job is
To go after this guy
21
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,335
And all of his vicious,
Ridiculous, embarrassing lies.
22
00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,437
- there's just one problem.
23
00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:13,607
All that stuff is true!
24
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,576
- okay, we'll just add that
To the equation.
25
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,145
[sighs]
26
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:20,714
You now have a .001% chance
Of winning this election.
27
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:24,618
- in exactly three days
And seven bottles of wine,
28
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:27,321
The academy award nominations
Will be announced...
29
00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:29,957
And it will either be an honor
Just to be nominated,
30
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,626
Or I'll kill myself.
31
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:33,794
[phone beeps]
32
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:36,564
Oh, it's my agent.
33
00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:39,200
One of the on-air nomination
Announcers dropped out,
34
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,734
And they want me
To replace her.
35
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,403
- that's so exciting!
- wow.
36
00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:43,871
- oh, my god!
37
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,673
I will be standing
In front of the whole world
38
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:49,177
When I find out
If I'm nominated or not.
39
00:01:49,177 --> 00:01:51,044
Oh, my god.
40
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:53,447
I will be standing
In front of the whole world
41
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,649
When I find out
If I'm nominated or not.
42
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:56,917
- don't worry.
43
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,352
I'll fly out with you
And help you through it.
44
00:01:58,352 --> 00:01:59,987
- well, maybe I can come too.
45
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:02,423
Although I'm meeting my new boss
This afternoon.
46
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:04,192
Might be a bit awkward
To ask for time off.
47
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:07,228
- keep in mind that
A person's impression of you
48
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,297
Is made within the first
Ten seconds of meeting them,
49
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,599
And it's very difficult to
Change that initial assumption.
50
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,934
- when I first met joy,
51
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,737
I thought
She was a prostitute.
52
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:21,709
Just backing him up.
53
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:34,322
- oh, my god.
54
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,857
- hi.
You must be joy.
55
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,859
- joy.
- I'm mitch.
56
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,628
And I can tell
You're a great detective
57
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:42,796
Because you're observing me
Very closely.
58
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,499
And--ugh, I'm an idiot,
I forgot to feed the meter.
59
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,435
I'll be right back.
60
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:56,810
- I'm leaving this message
Because I want this documented.
61
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,580
I have
An overwhelming feeling that
62
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:04,084
I just met the man
I'm going to marry.
63
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,587
[upbeat music]
64
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:08,789
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
65
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:12,092
* ba-ba, ba-ba
66
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,661
* hey!
67
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,596
- normally I'd mock anybody
Who'd say something like this,
68
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,698
Which only makes me
Believe it more.
69
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,600
I'm gonna sing at this one.
I am.
70
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,537
Look, it's my wedding.
I can do what I want!
71
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:25,906
- sorry about that.
72
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,409
- oh, no worries.
Happens to me all the time.
73
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,411
- do I detect
A british accent?
74
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:33,347
- you jolly well do.
75
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:35,316
I know,
Americans love my accent.
76
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:38,719
- not this one.
77
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,488
My ex-wife was british,
78
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,723
So that accent
Sort of turns my stomach.
79
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,924
You even look like her.
80
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,126
- really?
Do you have a picture?
81
00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:47,728
- yes,
I carry around a photo
82
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,297
Of the woman
Who ripped my heart out
83
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,832
And crushed it in her hands.
84
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,467
So we're both detectives.
85
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,569
Let's get to know
Each other.
86
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,904
The slight tremor
In your hand indicates
87
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,306
You're on your third cup
Of coffee.
88
00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:00,408
Your posture tells me that
You had early ballet training,
89
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,576
But your attractive toes
Say you didn't stick with it.
90
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,044
- and I can tell
91
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,913
By the way you checked your
Reflection in the door window
92
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,648
That you recently changed
Your hairstyle,
93
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,317
And you're not sure
Whether you like it.
94
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,151
And your posture tells me
You went to brown
95
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,521
And majored in psychology.
96
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:16,357
I may have looked
That one up online.
97
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:17,725
The haircut is good,
By the way.
98
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,327
- thanks.
99
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,329
So what do you think
Your greatest strength is
100
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,763
As a private investigator?
101
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,766
- without a doubt,
It's my attention to detail,
102
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:30,070
A 360-degree awareness
Of my environment at all times,
103
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,340
Scanning, sensing,
Almost catli--
104
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,975
- joy.
- ah!
105
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,243
- I--I brought you
This folder.
106
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,178
I thought you might need it
Because you wrote
107
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:39,747
"Don't forget this folder"
On it.
108
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,350
- thank you.
109
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,051
Oh, mitch,
This is my friend melanie.
110
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,520
Melanie, this is mitch.
111
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,556
- hello, melanie.
112
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,591
- hi.
113
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:53,193
Well, I'll let you two
Get back to your meeting.
114
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:58,031
- how do you keep
From touching her?
115
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:00,968
- excuse me?
116
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,804
- melanie is
An incredibly beautiful woman.
117
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,273
Oh, but who am I kidding?
118
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:09,577
She would never go out
With old mr. Fatty.
119
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,044
- who?
- me.
120
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,113
Oh. I keep forgetting.
121
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:16,149
Until recently,
I was really fat.
122
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,918
In fact, I was
On the biggest loser.
123
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,953
- is that where you lost
All the weight?
124
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,089
- no, I was the first one
Kicked off.
125
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,692
- so you were
The biggest loser
126
00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:27,194
On the biggest loser.
127
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:31,799
- ha, ha.
Yes, the castrating british wit.
128
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,100
No, I didn't start
Losing the weight
129
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,035
Until my ex-wife cressida
Left me.
130
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,637
I was so depressed,
I stopped eating.
131
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,138
- well, it's hard
To believe now.
132
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:39,840
You're in such great shape.
133
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,609
Do you have a picture
Of how you used to look?
134
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:45,045
- yes, I keep photos of me
When I was 500 pounds.
135
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,615
They're right next
To the pictures of my ex-wife.
136
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,818
- you shouldn't get so down
On yourself.
137
00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:52,553
When I first saw you,
I didn't think,
138
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:56,123
"Oh, there's a fat guy.
I hope he doesn't come near me."
139
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,926
Oh, my god,
The phone message!
140
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,594
- oh, uh, victoria,
141
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,930
Do you have any celebrity
Friends who could endorse elka?
142
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:05,866
I've crunched the numbers,
And if we go with you to l.A.
143
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,435
And get
Some celebrity backing,
144
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:09,269
We could raise her awareness
By double digits.
145
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,272
- these crunchy numbers--
146
00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:15,008
Do they work on stuff
That people actually care about,
147
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,944
Like academy awards?
148
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,781
- I suppose I could build
A composite of blogs
149
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:21,982
And press coverage
150
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,451
And then establish a model
For meta-analysis.
151
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:26,119
- okay, big bang theory.
152
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,788
I'll get you
Your endorsements
153
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:31,459
If you find out whether or not
I'm gonna be nominated.
154
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,762
- don't listen
To the answering machine!
155
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,630
Don't listen
To the answering machine!
156
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,098
[on answering machine]
This'll be a great thing
157
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,332
To play at my wedding.
158
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:40,668
I'm gonna sing at this one.
I am.
159
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,603
Look, it's my wedding.
I can do what I want.
160
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,572
- joy!
161
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:46,607
This is so exciting.
Who is he? Who is he?
162
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,609
[gasps] Your new boss?
He's so handsome.
163
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,844
- him? No!
[laughs]
164
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,280
That message is about someone
Entirely different.
165
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,348
[phone ringing]
Oh, one second.
166
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,084
Hello?
167
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,119
- joy, it's mitch.
168
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,721
I can't stop thinking
About melanie.
169
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,222
- uh-huh.
170
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:05,759
- and from your tone,
I deduce you are with her now.
171
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,495
Okay, pretend
I'm someone else.
172
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,663
- so good to hear
Your voice, mother.
173
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,164
- oh, say hi to your mom!
174
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,933
- melanie says hi.
175
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,936
- really?
She says hi to me?
176
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,406
- yes.
To you, mother.
177
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:21,341
- oh, okay.
178
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,511
So what's the deal?
Is she free at all this weekend?
179
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,579
- um, well, this weekend
180
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,380
We're all going to l.A.
With victoria.
181
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,216
- that's perfect.
I'll go too.
182
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:30,217
What flight
Are you guys booked on?
183
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,384
What am I saying?
184
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:34,187
I'm a private detective.
I'll find out.
185
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,356
Say good-bye to me
Like you would to your mother.
186
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:39,527
- all right.
Go to hell!
187
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:45,098
- wow!
188
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:49,402
Sounds like you and your mom
Are getting along better.
189
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:51,304
Okay, so who is this guy
You're gonna marry?
190
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,073
- well, it's...
191
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,542
- anybody got any lactaid?
192
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:59,279
I'm in the mood for cheese,
But I wanna be preemptive.
193
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:00,280
- sorry.
194
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,850
- mm.
195
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,184
- it's him.
196
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,087
- him?
- him.
197
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,558
Funny, handsome,
Lactose-intolerant him.
198
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,392
- wow, nate.
199
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:15,295
I did not pick up on that.
You gonna ask him out?
200
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,396
- no!
201
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:19,199
No, uh,
It's just a crazy thought.
202
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:22,836
So let's not speak of this
Ever, ever again.
203
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,404
- [singsong] Nate!
- what are you doing?
204
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,339
- I'm gonna make
* a love connection
205
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,675
- no, no, no!
206
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,977
- come on, come on.
I'm really good at this.
207
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,879
Nate, do you find joy
Attractive?
208
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,747
- oh, god, yes.
209
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,215
- melanie, please.
210
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,817
- and, joy, would you like
To go out with nate?
211
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,720
- how can I say no?
212
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,122
- I am good at this!
213
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,363
- I can't help it.
214
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,900
I've always been a sucker
For long, dark hair.
215
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,603
- [laughs]
Have you?
216
00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,204
- and big, brown eyes.
217
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,206
- yeah, I get that.
218
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,843
- and killer curves.
219
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,778
- typical.
220
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,848
- but I have no confidence.
221
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,950
When I look at melanie, I'm just
This tongue-tied fat kid
222
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,484
Who doesn't stand a chance.
223
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,754
- look,
It's not rocket science.
224
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:16,924
Try noticing something about her
And ask about it.
225
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,059
She'll answer,
You'll say something back,
226
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,228
And before you know it
You'll be talking.
227
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:22,229
- I can do that.
228
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,664
I'm a detective.
I notice things.
229
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,633
- although even detectives
Can be blind
230
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:26,967
To what's right
In front of them.
231
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,937
- ha, not this detective.
232
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,442
- I'm just so nervous.
233
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,778
I mean, joy is amazing,
234
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:42,182
But she's like a 9.2,
And I'm a 6.3.
235
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,752
Although some women
Have drunk me up to a 6.9.
236
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,156
- oh.
237
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,324
- oh. Sorry.
238
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,860
- I would say it's okay,
239
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,428
But you told me
Not to talk to you.
240
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,530
- well, you never know
What kind of a gabby loser
241
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:58,999
Is sitting next to you.
242
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:01,568
- [laughs]
Been there.
243
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:02,736
Joel mandel.
- [sighs]
244
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:05,605
- I work for price waterhouse.
245
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,440
- price waterhouse?
246
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,444
The accountants who tally up
The academy nomination ballots?
247
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,714
You handle that account?
248
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:17,217
- well, I'm not allowed
To say.
249
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,552
Although I have in the past.
250
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,454
In fact,
Last year I was up onstage
251
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:24,792
Holding this very briefcase.
252
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,193
- I thought so.
253
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:29,863
You know, I remember
Saying to myself,
254
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:32,332
Who is that drop-dead
Gorgeous accountant
255
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:34,034
Next to ryan gosling?
256
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,568
- [laughing]
257
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:38,405
That was me!
- oh.
258
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,044
- hi.
- hi.
259
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:46,914
- so...
260
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:50,217
You like penis?
261
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,085
[stammering]
I mean peanuts!
262
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:54,421
P-peanuts.
I--
263
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:55,923
I meant peanuts,
'cause you're eating--
264
00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:57,257
Those are peanuts.
265
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,692
I've gotta stop
Saying "Peanuts."
266
00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:00,728
I gotta go.
267
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:08,435
- I'm so glad melanie
Told me about your secret crush.
268
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,971
- as am I.
269
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,439
- I never would've guessed.
270
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:15,142
I mean, even now
It seems like you don't like me.
271
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,177
And I know
What you're thinking--
272
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,646
"Oh, nate. He's made of numbers,
Like a computer."
273
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:21,815
[laughs]
274
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:23,083
But, uh, answer me this.
275
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:26,053
Can a computer make out
With a human?
276
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:29,422
It cannot.
Trust me.
277
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:32,625
- would you excuse me
For a moment?
278
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,931
God, I'm a wreck!
279
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,834
- can't help you.
Keep moving.
280
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:45,505
- I don't want your booze.
I want your advice.
281
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:47,574
I have to pretend
To be in love with nate
282
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,143
For annoying, noble reasons
I can't get into,
283
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,845
But I don't think
I can pull it off.
284
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,781
- you can't upset him.
285
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,548
I need him
To win the election.
286
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,919
- I applaud you
For your dream, elka, but no!
287
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,521
- you've slept
With thousands of guys.
288
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,423
What's one more?
289
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,358
Do it.
290
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,596
- can I talk to you, joy?
It's urgent.
291
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,190
- my husband
Has a bucket list.
292
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,427
- [sighs]
293
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,995
I'm getting nowhere
With melanie.
294
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,131
I need conversation practice,
Joy.
295
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:46,566
- [sighs]
Fine.
296
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,535
Just relax and talk.
297
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,070
I'll start.
298
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,705
So, mitch, what got you
Into detective work?
299
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,741
- oh, I started out
As a cop,
300
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,143
But after you eat
So many doughnuts,
301
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:59,512
You come to realize that
The real hole is in your center.
302
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,648
- oh, that's sad.
303
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,150
There's a sadness about you.
304
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,518
- which melanie will hate.
- no!
305
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,955
No, women like
That vulnerability.
306
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:10,357
Now let's find common ground--
Books, movies.
307
00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:11,624
What do you like?
308
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,061
- well, as a detective,
I like peter diamond mysteries.
309
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,263
- I love peter diamond!
310
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,866
How about movies?
I've always loved casablanca.
311
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:21,368
- I've only seen it
About 20 times.
312
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,203
- did you know, at the end,
When they're on the runway--
313
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,238
- the actors in the background
Are little people,
314
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,639
And the airplane
Is cardboard?
315
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,942
- yes! That just makes me
Love it even more.
316
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:31,211
- me too.
This is fun.
317
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,446
- yes.
I'm having a lovely time.
318
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:36,349
- good.
Then I'm ready for melanie.
319
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,691
So...
[laughs]
320
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:47,327
Me again.
321
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,930
I'm sorry we got off to sort of
An awkward start there.
322
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:52,165
- oh, that's okay.
323
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,034
- so what's
Your favorite movie?
324
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,635
- princess bride.
325
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,004
- I love that movie.
326
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:59,739
- "Incontheivable"!
327
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:02,309
- I'm sorry?
328
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:05,245
- that's a line
From the movie.
329
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,647
- I have not seen
That movie.
330
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:11,251
Excuse me.
331
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:14,421
- hey, hey, hey!
332
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:15,655
What are you doing
With that briefcase?
333
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:17,724
- the guy from price waterhouse
Just fell asleep.
334
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,259
I need to break into this case
335
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,660
And see if there are
Any oscar ballots inside.
336
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,996
- no!
Victoria, you can't do that!
337
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,598
- oh, I think I can.
338
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:28,201
You forget I did
A two-episode arc on macgyver.
339
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,738
All I need is a paper clip,
Hair spray, and some matches.
340
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:34,942
- no, victoria.
[groans]
341
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:37,010
- that was a disaster.
342
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,546
With you,
It's so effortless.
343
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,615
It's so much harder when you
Have feelings for the person.
344
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:46,753
[alarm blaring]
345
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,688
[victoria screams]
- my hair! Help!
346
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:51,324
- I'll save you, melanie!
347
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:06,239
- victoria,
What were you thinking?
348
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,308
- why am I the bad guy?
349
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,877
Although,
Come to think of it,
350
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,980
On macgyver
I was the bad guy too.
351
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,483
- you got us
Kicked off the plane,
352
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,651
And now we have to drive all
Night to get to l.A. On time.
353
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:21,788
- I was desperate to find out
If I'd been nominated or not.
354
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:24,091
Nate, have you crunched
The numbers yet?
355
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:27,294
- I have, and I would not put
Money on you being nominated.
356
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:28,861
- oh, god.
357
00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:30,797
So I have to get up
In front of billions of viewers
358
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,399
With singed hair
And no sleep
359
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,201
And be happy for other people?
360
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:37,004
[groans]
Where's my damn xanax?
361
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:39,639
- I'd just like to point out
How well melanie is driving.
362
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:42,109
Thumbs up, mel.
363
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,610
- the good news is,
Victoria,
364
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,278
It's not too late
For you to help the campaign.
365
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,679
- [sighs]
- I was thinking,
366
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,415
When you get up in front
Of those billions of viewers,
367
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,617
Why not mention our website,
Voteelka.Com?
368
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,052
- no!
369
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,454
No, I have too much
To take care of already.
370
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,490
I hardly am gonna have
Any time to glue on eyebrows
371
00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:00,227
And buy a wig and--
And get my dress ready.
372
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,095
- I can help
With the dress.
373
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:05,832
And just pluck some hair
Off joy's arm for your eyebrows.
374
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:10,337
- you know, joy,
I own this exact car.
375
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,772
It seats two adults
And four children.
376
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,307
And my mother.
377
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:18,145
- did you hear that, joy?
- yeah, I did.
378
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:23,916
- and the nominees
379
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:26,119
For best direction
In a motion picture--
380
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,289
Harold israel
For winters long gone.
381
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,058
- victoria's
Holding up okay, right?
382
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,359
- sure!
383
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:34,561
If you didn't know she was
Highly medicated, drunk,
384
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,496
And hasn't slept
In 36 hours,
385
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:39,332
You might think,
"What an odd woman."
386
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,801
- oh, no, victoria's category
Is coming up next.
387
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:44,337
- and now best actress
In a supporting role.
388
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,306
Victoria, the nominees?
389
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:47,540
- yeah, sure.
Why not?
390
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,343
Oh, let's see.
391
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,279
Marion cotill--
392
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:56,283
You know, the french chick who
Gets nominated for everything.
393
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,319
Ivy johnson
For night of the hereafter.
394
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:01,921
Oh!
Well, here's a big surprise.
395
00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:04,091
Damn helen mirren.
396
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:06,093
- that's "Dame" helen mirren.
397
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,860
- I know what I said.
398
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,429
Oh, violet hemsworth.
399
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,864
Well, we all know
How she got nominated,
400
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,701
The big slut.
401
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,436
And the final nominee...
402
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:20,573
Is victor--
403
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,643
Oh, my god!
404
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,212
Victoria chase!
405
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,147
- oh!
- she did it! She did it!
406
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,349
- and it is such an honor
407
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:32,352
To be nominated
With these amazing women.
408
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:35,222
We are all so talented.
409
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:39,459
- is everything all ready?
- yep, all set.
410
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,261
- what?
411
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,630
What's this?
412
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:47,200
- who's macgyver now?
413
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,506
- oh, thanks, angelina.
414
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,143
And give my love
To brad, shiloh, knox,
415
00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:59,011
Vivienne, pax, zahara,
And maddox.
416
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,415
- victoria, you don't even
Remember the names
417
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,750
Of your own children.
418
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,654
- oh, I will, now that
Their mother is an a-lister.
419
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,722
- I made such a fool
Out of myself
420
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:11,458
With melanie on that trip.
421
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:14,794
- look, you don't need tricks
Or smooth lines
422
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,729
To get a girl like melanie.
423
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,331
Just make her laugh.
424
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:20,633
She's a sucker for a guy
Who can make her laugh.
425
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,702
- I guess
I could give it a shot.
426
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:26,005
- trust me--you're a--
A very appealing guy.
427
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,180
- [inhales]
428
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,548
- [laughing]
[phone beeps]
429
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,285
- ooh.
430
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,652
Oh, my god, it worked.
431
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,721
Elka, great news!
432
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:42,989
Thanks to the dress stunt,
433
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:46,526
You are now front-runner
For cleveland city council!
434
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,195
[excited chatter]
435
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:50,029
- and speaking of dresses,
436
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,698
Armani, dior, and valentino
437
00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:55,202
Are jostling for the honor
Of designing my oscar dress.
438
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,469
[laughs]
[phone ringing]
439
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,405
Ooh,
An international number.
440
00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:00,707
Hello?
441
00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:02,209
Konbanwa!
442
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,311
It's the mrs. Ladypants people
Calling from japan
443
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,712
To congratulate me.
444
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:08,815
Oh, thank you!
Uh-huh.
445
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,083
What?
446
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,621
[laughs]
Are you absolutely sure?
447
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,724
All right.
Uh, yes.
448
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:20,393
I-I certainly
Will look into that.
449
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:23,430
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Sayonara.
450
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,598
- what's wrong, sweetie?
451
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,300
- apparently, years ago,
452
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,236
When I didn't think
That I had
453
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:32,372
A chance in hell of getting
Nominated for an academy award,
454
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,641
I signed
A rather unusual contract
455
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:38,245
With the mrs. Ladypants people.
456
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,680
I have to wear
457
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,882
A mrs. Ladypants
458
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:47,153
Absorbent gown
To the oscars,
459
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:51,624
Now with crystal litter box
Technology.
460
00:19:57,096 --> 00:20:01,268
- you're gonna wear diapers
To the oscars?
461
00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:03,202
- they are not diapers.
462
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,306
It's an absorbent gown!
463
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:07,607
- well, look
At the bright side.
464
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:08,941
You won't need a seat filler
If you have to go
465
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,177
To the bathroom
During the ceremony.
466
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:14,681
- [laughs]
You're very funny.
467
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,215
- now what am I gonna do?
468
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,718
- you're gonna celebrate.
We're all gonna celebrate!
469
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,621
Honey,
You could win an oscar!
470
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,123
And, elka, you could win
An election!
471
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,892
- you know what,
Melanie is right.
472
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,827
- she's beautiful too.
473
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,430
Somebody else talk.
474
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:33,833
- okay, I will.
475
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:38,538
So here's to everyone
Getting exactly what they want.
476
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:40,473
- [chuckles]
477
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:45,845
[upbeat music]
478
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:48,247
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
479
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,483
* ba-ba, ba-ba
480
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,790
* ba-ba, ba-ba
481
00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:00,259
* ba-ba, ba-ba
482
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:06,466
*
483
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:10,470
* hey!
34381
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