All language subtitles for Hot.In.Cleveland.S05E10.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES_track3_[eng]

- hot in cleveland
Is recorded

In front
Of a live studio audience.

- well, cross another thing off
My bucket list.

I have been to a nude beach.

- I didn't know cleveland had
A nude beach.

- it has one more
Than it should.

- you said I wouldn't run
Into anyone I knew there.

- elka, I'm sorry.

How was I to know
That your butcher

Was gonna be
At a nude beach?

- I'll never be able to order
Kielbasa from that man again.

- so what's next
On your bucket list?

- oh, I don't know.

But now that I'm healthy again,
I want to do everything.

- oh, you're not gonna become
One of those people

Who lives life to the fullest,
Are you?

Because everyone hates
Those people.

- I'm not sure what I'd put
On my bucket list.

I suppose "Find true love
And get married."

- it's a bucket list, dear,
Not a letter to santa.

- what's on your bucket list?

- I want to get rich off
My polish polish.

- the cleaner you invented
That smells like pot?

- you really think you can sell
That stuff?

- it works on great anything
Old and tarnished.

I'll let you lick the bowl.

- well, my bucket list
Hasn't changed.

One thing--
Win an oscar.

- really?
That's it?

No regrets?
No wrongs you want to right?

- well, there is
Someone I wronged

Who I've been thinking
About lately--

Maddie banks.
- oh, the broadway actress.

- yeah, we were roommates
In acting school.

And one day
This casting director called

And told me
To have maddie come in

For a big audition.

It was down to two actresses.

And I know
I should've told her,

But she had just stolen
My boyfriend,

And I wanted to get back
At her.

It was sophie's choice.
- you were that torn?

- no, the movie
Was sophie's choice.

And the actress
Was meryl streep,

And I never told maddie
About the audition,

And I've felt guilty
Ever since.

- it's never too late
To apologize.

- you know, that's true.

And righting a wrong
With an actress

Could help my oscar karma.

You know, according
To my "Karmologist"...

I made a huge mistake

By donating my kidney
So far from the voting season.

I am gonna call maddie.

- you know, it's funny
How your bucket list changes.

When I was young,
It was get married, have kids--

You know, everything
You're supposed to do.

Now I just want to do everything
I'm not supposed to do.

I just want to be bad.

- I know what was
On my bucket list back then.

I never told you this, but
When I first came to america,

I auditioned
For the rockettes.

[chuckles]
Only, I froze.

I couldn't get my legs
In the air.

- you sure got over that one.

- this is perfect.

Maddie is out of town
On a cruise

With her new boyfriend,

But she offered
To let me stay at her place.

- and did you apologize
For sophie's choice?

- no, that's what makes
This perfect.

I'll go to new york,

Write the apology,
Leave a nice bottle of wine,

And won't have to deal
With all the dramatics

That some actresses
Are given to.

- hey, why don't we all go?

New york is the perfect place
To be bad.

I am gonna eat and shop
And sleep around.

I won't even be
Melanie moretti.

I'm gonna be--
Oh, I don't know--

Scarlett deneuve.

- this could end in...

[imitating melanie]
Oh, I don't know...

[normal voice]
Tears.

- well,
If crazy's on the table,

Radio city is in new york.

I know I'm too old
To actually be a rockette,

But maybe I can get
Another shot at an audition.

- I could sell my polish
To the big money boys

In manhattan.

- so it's settled.

Elka's gonna go and try to sell
Her ridiculous invention.

Joy is going to feed
Her delusions

Of becoming a rockette.

Melanie is going to escape
Into a ludicrous alter ego.

And I am just
A few heartfelt words

And an overpriced bottle
Of pinot noir

Away from a clean conscience
And a clear path

To a golden statue.

Let's pack, people.

[upbeat music]

- * ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* hey!

- oh.
Well, this is lovely.

- [mouth full]
Super classy.

- what are you eating?

- it's called a knish.

Or technically,
It's called my third knish.

I love being
Scarlett deneuve.

You know, scarlett got invited
Into the cockpit on the plane

And joined
The mile high club.

- you had sex with the pilot?

- wait.
That's what that means?

I thought mile high club
Was when they gave you

These little plastic wings.

- shoot, or I'll stop!

- maddie, don't shoot.

It's me, victoria chase.

- oh, yeah, it is you.

[squeals]
Hi!

I thought that you
Were my boyfriend...

Well, you know, ex-boyfriend.

- would you mind
Putting that down?

- oh. I think there's a couple
More swigs left in it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,
You mean this thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about this.

This is just some prop I used
In an old play I did.

[gunshot, all screaming]

Oopsie.

Are you gonna eat that?

I know I just met jason
Three weeks ago,

But it was
An instant connection...

Till this morning
When he rolled over in bed

And he said,
"I feel like having

"Poached eggs and mimosas...

And another woman."

- so he broke up with you
On a yacht

In the middle of the ocean?
- yeah.

You know, first,
I was devastated.

Then I just thought,
"You know what? Fine.

"There are plenty of fish
In the sea.

I'll just leave."

So I jumped
Into this little dinghy,

And I was trying to row,
And all of a sudden,

It flipped over,
And it started sinking.

And I looked around,
And that's when I realized

There really aren't plenty
Of fish in the sea.

[crying]

- maddie...

I'm sorry.

But maybe
He did you a favor.

You remember professor knoll,
Our great acting teacher?

Now, he would tell you
To use this grief

As a sense memory
For your craft.

You know, should you ever
Be called upon

To play a drunken actress
Dumped by her boyfriend

Whose heart is still big enough
To forgive a friend.

- if they wrote
That part younger and sexier,

I think I could play it.

- yeah.

- oh, did you know
That professor knoll

Is retiring this year?

- really?
- yeah.

- well, who will teach
Intro to emotions?

- is that the same guy
Who taught you scenery chewing?

- yeah.

- hey, you know what?

As long as you're in town,
Why don't we throw him a party?

- a party is a great idea.

- and we can ask
A lot of handsome men

From the theater world.

- yeah, and a few straight ones
Just to mix things up.

- well, the only straight one
I know in the theater

Is kevin kline.

And every time I see him,
It reminds me

That I didn't get
Sophie's choice.

Damn you, meryl streep!

Damn you and all your oscars!

Oh, don't listen
To my language, tony.

Mommy's just upset.

But meryl streep
Doesn't have a tony, does she?

No, she doesn't,
No, she doesn't.

- uh, back to the party--

What should we do
For entertainment?

- oh, victoria, you're not
Suggesting we dust off

That two-woman play
We wrote in school?

- I am.

Eternity's rainbow--

A four-hour conversation

Between two women
At a bus stop in hell.

And what was it
The professor said?

- "You really brought hell
To life for me."

- let's perform a scene
At the party.

And I say we add a couple
Of rich backers

To the guest list.

You know,
Now that we're both famous,

I bet we could get
Our play produced.

- that's brilliant!

And I'll invite the press.

And then jason will read
About our fabulous party

In the gossip columns,

And he'll see how much fun
I'm having without him,

And he'll remember
How vibrant and exciting I am,

And--and--

End scene.

[thud]

- that pizza smells good.

- I stole it
'cause I'm bad like that.

- bad, beautiful woman
With a pizza--

That's a tempting combination.

- well, sometimes you just got
To give into temptation.

- are you offering me pizza?

[elevator thuds]
- among other things.

- what is going on
With the elevator?

I just walked up 17 flights.

I tried to get the doormen
To help,

But they were just staring
At the surveillance camera.

- how did it go
At radio city?

- oh.

I waited in line
For three hours.

When I finally got
To the front,

They said I was too old
To even audition.

It was american idol
All over again.

- my day was a bust too.

- elka met with some
Young venture capitalists.

They said her polish
Was too strong.

- you melt one rolex,
And it's too strong.

[cell phone beeps]

- [gasps]
Ooh.

I just got another rsvp
For the party.

Another potential investor
For eternity's rainbow.

- investors coming--
Interesting.

[cell phone beeps]

- oh!
Ron tisch is coming too.

He owns radio city music hall.

- home of the rockettes--
Also interesting.

- guess who just had sex
In an elevator.

- that's why the elevator
Was stopped.

- yeah, did the deed
With a stranger,

Didn't even know his name.

- melanie,
I am ashamed of you.

That's joy's thing.

- I am exhausted.
I am gonna take a party nap.

- me too.

- ooh.

He's cute.

Is this guy coming
To the party?

- no.
That's jason, my ex.

He's probably out there
Right now

Sleeping with another woman.

I hope she dies
A hideous, terrible,

Horrible, disfiguring death.

I miss you, baby.

- oh, melanie,

This party was such
A good excuse

To come to new york.

- you came to new york

To apologize to maddie
For sophie's choice.

- yes, but then I realized
How difficult it would be

For her to forgive me,

So I did her a favor
And forgave myself.

And if that isn't karma,
I don't know what is.

- that's not karma.

- then I don't know what is.

Mm. Maddie, my love,
Fabulous party.

- I know.

And there's tons
Of potential investors here

For eternity's rainbow.

I was explaining the plot
To a bunch of them,

And I got all sorts
Of encouraging nods

And respectful silence.

- fantastic.

Oh, look,
There's professor knoll.

Let's go over and show him
Friendly excitement number one.

- oh, yep.

- so you invested in grease.

How about investing in something
That gets rid of grease?

[glass clinking]
- excuse me.

Excuse me.
Could I have your attention?

I'd like to thank you
All for joining us

This evening to honor
Professor andrew knoll,

A great teacher and artist.

He's just informed me
That he's on total vocal rest

Because tomorrow he's filming
A jack in the box commercial

For the new pancake
Chicken sandwich!

[applause]

- well, our loss
Is jack in the box's gain.

So, everyone, just eat,
Drink, be merry,

And be prepared for some
Very special entertainment.

[applause]

- stop clapping, everyone.
That's not the entertainment.

That's just a crazy woman.

- for goodness sakes,
What on earth are you doing?

- what I came here to do--
Audition to be a rockette.

Oh, there's mr. Tisch.

[shoes clicking]

- the dirt on the tony
Is gone...

And so is the engraving.

- hello.
- [laughs]

- joy scroggs.

- nice to meet you.
Ron tisch.

- oh, you have a crumb
On your shoulder.

- oh.
- oh, please, allow me.

- [laughs]
That's very impressive.

- there's another one
Where that came from.

- wow.

- hi, elka.
Having fun?

- no.

Look.

- where's maddie's name?

- on my rag.

- what's going on here?
- elka ruined maddie's tony.

- oh, my god.

[gasps]
Oh, my god.

That's collin brett--

The casting director
Who gave me the message

About sophie's choice.

Ugh.
He's not supposed to be here.

- neither is he.

That's the guy I slept with
In the elevator.

- that guy?

That's maddie's boyfriend.
- what?

I slept with maddie's boyfriend?
She's gonna kill me.

- I sabotaged her career.
She's gonna kill me.

- I ruined her tony.

She's gonna use it
To kill me.

- what are we gonna do?

- I'm sorry, but the cutoff age
For auditions is 29.

- but 40 is the new 20.
- [laughs]

Are you trying
To say you're 40?

- we need time.

- we need a diversion.

- well, if I were too old,
Could I do this?

[shoes clicking]

[thud]

- yep, that'll do.

- okay, joy is in the kitchen
With maddie,

Putting ice on her face.
- oh, good.

Okay, I'll get collin
Out of the room,

And you take care of jason.

- and I'm gonna polish off
This vodka.

- stop polishing things!

Just--

Collin brett,
What are you doing here?

- victoria chase.

Well, I was invited
By professor knoll.

We do pilates together.

You look wonderful.

- I know, and I'd love
To talk to you about it,

But you could really use

A little mouthwash.
- oh.

- the bathroom is right down
There on the left.

Take your time.
- ah.

- jason, we have to talk.

- oh, my god,
Elevator pizza girl.

What are you doing here?

- it doesn't matter.
You need to go.

- no, no, no.
I need to see maddie.

I heard the party
From my apartment

And realized how much
I missed her.

I've come to get her back.

- oh, that's really very sweet,
But can you not mention

The whole "We had sex" thing?

And don't mention my name?
- I don't even know your name.

- she's coming.

- oh, no, I told you
To keep her in the kitchen.

- there's only so long
You can keep

A broadway actress
Away from an audience.

- jason?
- maddie.

I'm so sorry.
I made a big mistake.

I want another chance.

- oh, really?

I thought you wanted
To sleep with other women.

- I did.
It was disgusting.

- well, that's a strong word.

- I hated every second of it.

- I think there were
A few seconds you liked.

And I don't know
Why I'm saying that.

- why are you telling me this?

- because the longer you keep
A betrayal a secret,

The worse it gets.

- betrayal, secrets--
Now it's a party.

- collin brett?

- oh, he--he was just leaving.
- no, he wasn't.

Oh, so good
To see you, maddie.

Oh, wow.

The two of you, 30 years,
Together again.

[chuckles] Didn't you used
To share an apartment?

- oh, I don't think so.

- of course we did, victoria.

- oh, let's not dwell
On the past

Or dwell on places
We dwelled in the past.

- no, I remember, because I got
Maddie that movie audition,

And I called
And spoke to victoria.

- oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some little movie
That went nowhere.

- hardly.
It was sophie's choice.

I always wondered
Why you didn't show up.

- I got the audition?
- yes.

- and you never told me?

- the only reason I did it

Was because you slept
With my boyfriend.

- oh, please.

The only reason I slept
With your boyfriend

Is because he slept
With my boyfriend.

- oh, let's not fight.

Let's all just get along.

Two, three, four...

- this must be their play.

- no, this isn't the play.

I just found out
I should've been meryl streep.

- I think it's a comedy.

- maddie, you don't know that
You would've gotten that role.

- of course
I would've gotten that role.

I'm a fabulous actress.

If I wasn't, my name
Wouldn't be on this tony.

Oh!

My name isn't on this tony!

- but look how shiny it is.

- you ruined my life!

I will never speak
To you again!

- maddie, dial the diva down

Before we all start pulling off
Each other's wigs.

Meryl streep was always going
To get that part.

You were good, but we always
Bring in a second actor

To keep the producers happy.

In short, you were second choice
For sophie's choice,

Just like victoria
Was second choice

For jessica lange
In tootsie.

- what?
I never got that call.

- but the important part...

Is that you went on to have
A great career.

- yes.

And so did you.

Oh, maddie,
Can you ever forgive me?

- yes, I can forgive you,
Victoria.

You were awful to me.
- yeah.

- and I was awful to you.
- yeah.

- and you know what we call
That in the theater?

Friendship.

- maddie, I hope you can find
A way to forgive me too.

Let's not end our relationship
Over one mistake in an elevator.

- oh.

"Elevator"?

- she erased your tony!

- shut up, scarlett!

- [southern accent] Oh.
Well, finally, sister woman,

There's our bus.

- [southern accent]
Next stop, eternity's rainbow.

- [normal voice]
And curtain.

- [normal voice]
Well, what'd you think?

- I'd get out my rag,
But nothing could polish

That piece of [bleep].

- oh, she's right.

It was terrible--
So pretentious.

- no.
Yeah, yeah, I know.

I know the play is awful.

But, well, I'm glad
To have you back in my life.

- you too.

- what are these?

- professor knoll
Must have left his signs.

- "More wine, please."

"You were wonderful in that."

"You deserve the tony."

- aw.
That one's for me.

- "You should win an oscar."

- aw.
That one's for me.

- "I still think
About our night together."

Both:
Aw.

[upbeat music]

- * ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

* ba-ba, ba-ba

*

* hey!