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1
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,011
- hot in cleveland
Is recorded
2
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,680
In front of
A live studio audience.
3
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:15,049
- oh, look at our baby.
4
00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:18,086
He's so depressed.
5
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,355
- maybe we should just take him
Back to the vet.
6
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,291
- no, the vet said
He was fine, physically.
7
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,226
- well, maybe he's just sad
Because joy
8
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:28,262
Looks like a bone
He can't chew on.
9
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:36,904
[knock at door]
10
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:39,073
- or maybe because
For every one of our years,
11
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,441
He ages seven.
12
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:43,477
That would depress the hell
Out of me.
13
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,081
- hello, victoria.
14
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,249
Your dog needs help.
15
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,785
- oh, we were just saying that.
And you are?
16
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:55,055
- I'm sally,
Your next door neighbor.
17
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,957
I was your nurse when
You were in the hospital.
18
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,192
I made you a lasagna
19
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,760
When you gave away
Your kidney.
20
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,028
You gave me a makeover.
21
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:03,997
- oh, not recently,
I hope.
22
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,468
- well, you're
Making this easier.
23
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,636
Here's a bill.
24
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,471
Your dog
Got into my house,
25
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,005
Chewed through
The electrical cord
26
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,341
On my crockpot,
27
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,209
And the sloppy joe
Ended up on the floor.
28
00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:16,810
- all right, I literally
Didn't understand
29
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,746
A word you just said.
30
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:22,150
Is sloppy joe your husband?
31
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:25,486
- yes, victoria,
Sloppy joe is my husband.
32
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,389
And my kids
Are pork and beans.
33
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,659
- yes, I've seen them.
34
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,662
- sally, we are so sorry.
35
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:35,896
We will take care of it.
36
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,165
- thank you.
- okay.
37
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:39,400
- george, you can't
Chew through cords.
38
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,968
You could kill yourself.
39
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,371
Oh, my god, what if he
Was trying to kill himself?
40
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,705
Is he that depressed?
41
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,240
- what are we gonna do?
42
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,675
- maybe we should
Call that lady
43
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,177
That talks to animals
On the radio.
44
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,544
Yeah, she comes
To your home,
45
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:51,879
Interviews the family,
46
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,514
And then tells you
How to fix the problem.
47
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:54,748
Then a week later,
You go on her show
48
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:55,916
And you tell her
What happened.
49
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,618
- in the meantime,
Maybe there's something
50
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,853
We can do to cheer him up.
51
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:02,323
What do I do
When I need cheering up?
52
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,091
- he can't do that, joy.
53
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:07,395
He's been fixed.
54
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,101
[upbeat music]
55
00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:16,304
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
56
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:19,607
* ba-ba, ba-ba
57
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,608
* hey!
58
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,876
- uh-huh, uh-huh.
59
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:26,214
Yeah, and how does that
Make you feel though?
60
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:27,415
- what's he saying?
61
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,116
- do you do that often?
- what?
62
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:31,385
- interrupt him.
63
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:33,721
Milo, would you please
Take george in the kitchen
64
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,323
While I have a word
With his people?
65
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,624
- yeah.
66
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,227
All right.
Let's go, boy.
67
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:42,230
- your dog is
Extremely traumatized.
68
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:44,765
You see,
Animals soak up emotions,
69
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,400
Both good and bad.
70
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,803
So, I believe that he is just
Reacting to the anxiety
71
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,240
And depression that
Already exists in the home.
72
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,508
- what are you saying?
So we're the problem?
73
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:55,876
- well,
This is a very unusual
74
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,611
Family arrangement
You have here.
75
00:02:57,645 --> 00:03:01,282
I mean, three grown sisters
Living with their mother?
76
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:05,919
- oh, she's not our mother.
77
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:10,891
- you know what?
78
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,760
Let's try
A quick assessment here.
79
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:16,129
Melanie, I want you to pet me
Like you pet george.
80
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,934
- okay.
[chuckles]
81
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:25,639
- okay, I'm gonna stop you,
'cause that's just sad.
82
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,510
You're going through something,
Aren't you?
83
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:32,780
- oh, my god, maybe it's me
Who's depressing george.
84
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,382
You see, I just--
I just got over
85
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,616
A pretty serious illness.
86
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,351
- yes, he mentioned that.
87
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,453
- oh. Mm.
88
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,290
Well, I-I feel,
I don't know,
89
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,591
Like I was spared
For a reason.
90
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,025
But I don't know
What that reason is.
91
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,660
And I-I guess I'm feeling
A little lost.
92
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:47,928
Maybe george
Is picking up on that.
93
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:48,929
I'm so sorry.
94
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,163
- oh, don't be, melanie.
95
00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:51,699
It's not you, it's me.
96
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,033
And I'm not just
Saying that because
97
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:57,371
It's the dramatic thing
To do.
98
00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,839
I'm a recent window,
99
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,208
And I am still depressed
About that.
100
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,076
I mean, I'd like
To start dating again,
101
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,113
But it's so hard to find
A nice, normal guy.
102
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,481
- [laughs]
Oh, come on.
103
00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,216
Cleveland's filled
With nice, normal guys
104
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:10,884
Who'd love to go out
With you.
105
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,053
You ever date guys
Who aren't movie stars?
106
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,824
- you mean like
Agents or directors?
107
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,860
Not if I can avoid it.
108
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,762
- are you sure it's not joy?
109
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,532
She depresses me.
110
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:25,799
- me?
111
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,234
If anyone, it's you.
112
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:28,936
When you spoke to george,
113
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:33,374
Did he use the words,
"Crone," "Hag," "Fossil"?
114
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:36,109
- no, but this
Unattractive sniping
115
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,845
Is a perfect example
Of the tension
116
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,413
That dogs are sensitive to.
117
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,014
- oh, we're not sniping.
118
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,517
- no, that's how we talk.
- yeah.
119
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:45,419
We keep things
Loose and easy.
120
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:46,487
- [chuckles]
121
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,890
Which was joy's nickname
In high school.
122
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:56,364
- said the woman
Who was cave-schooled.
123
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,734
Oh, my god, we do do it.
124
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:03,371
- listen. This isn't
Anyone's fault, okay?
125
00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:05,539
You're all to blame.
126
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:09,242
Joy, elka, you need to be
More polite to one another,
127
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,178
Even when the dog
Isn't around.
128
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:13,414
Victoria, you need
To find yourself
129
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:16,684
A nice, normal guy, okay?
130
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,886
And melanie--
Sweet, innocent,
131
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,922
Naive, dumb-as-a-duck
Melanie.
132
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:27,060
Melanie, you need to find
A purpose to your life.
133
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,796
- better get going, dr. Deb.
134
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,398
We have an appointment
With a private client.
135
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:31,699
- yes, yes.
136
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,434
If you ladies
Will excuse me,
137
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:36,737
I need to see a horse
About a man.
138
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:42,510
- uh, here's my number.
139
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,745
So if you have any questions
About anything,
140
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,447
Just feel free to call.
141
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,450
- is dr. Deb
Always so strange?
142
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:53,120
- um, actually, in the world
Where people talk to animals,
143
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,722
She's pretty normal.
144
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:58,759
- [whistles]
Milo, come here, boy!
145
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:03,531
- she has her quirks.
146
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:09,770
- hey, did you have fun
At the park?
147
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,539
Did you meet
Any nice, average guys?
148
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,273
- I met
An undercover policeman.
149
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:14,808
- sounds promising.
150
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,343
Wait, how did you know
He was undercover?
151
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:17,511
- well, I needed
To find out
152
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:18,979
If he was ordinary
And not rich,
153
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:20,481
So I asked him
How much money he had
154
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,049
And if he was looking
For a date,
155
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:26,086
And he arrested me
For suspected prostitution.
156
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:28,889
I need a drink.
157
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,458
- funny you should say that.
- why?
158
00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,493
I say that five times a day.
159
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:35,295
- funny, because
I just got a job today
160
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:37,230
As a bartender
At stormi's.
161
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,166
- bartender?
- stay with me.
162
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,802
I was thinking,
When in my life
163
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,203
Did I feel
The most fulfilled?
164
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,772
And it was when
My kids were young
165
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,139
And I was giving them advice.
166
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:47,941
I like giving advice.
167
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:51,044
So then I realized,
Maybe that's my purpose.
168
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,313
- well, bartenders
Do give advice.
169
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,749
- and here's my first bit
Of advice:
170
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:57,217
Come with me
To the bar tonight.
171
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,052
There's a ton
Of average guys there.
172
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:03,123
Fives as far
As the eye can see.
173
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,324
Oh, and I'll card you
Out loud.
174
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,393
- I'm in.
175
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,931
- oh. I didn't know
You'd be here.
176
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,800
- I didn't know
You'd be here.
177
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,101
- hey, I thought you guys
Were supposed
178
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,402
To be getting along.
179
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,971
- we tried all morning
Not to snipe at each other,
180
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,507
And knowing
We can't snipe at each other
181
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,274
Only made us snipe
At each other more.
182
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:22,676
- well, you can't run away
From the problem.
183
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:26,647
- the problem is 92 years old.
I think I can.
184
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,751
- we are doing this
For george.
185
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:31,919
Now come on.
186
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,120
Come join us at the bar,
187
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,187
And you guys can
Have dinner together--
188
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:35,523
Just the two of you.
189
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,758
- it's easy to get along
With people you dislike.
190
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,027
Just say the opposite
Of what you're thinking.
191
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,663
- well, I can do that.
192
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,331
- me too.
193
00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:47,735
- you know, elka,
I can stand you.
194
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:53,641
- and your outfit is
So appropriate for your age.
195
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,776
- that's funny.
196
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,846
Let's go, young lady.
I'm driving.
197
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:03,016
- oh, good.
You're an excellent driver.
198
00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,819
- and your reading
Every billboard out loud
199
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:08,221
Makes me want
To keep myself alive.
200
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,558
- [chuckles]
201
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,775
- does this taste
A little sweet to you?
202
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,078
- no, it's good.
- oh, great.
203
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:34,114
Here's your manhattan.
204
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,617
- give me a shot of anything.
205
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,586
- oh, things aren't
Going well with elka?
206
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:41,622
- no, the opposite thing
Is too easy to translate.
207
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,491
She just called me
A choosy virgin.
208
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:48,028
I told her I'd like
To unchoke the life into her.
209
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,329
- keep 'em coming.
210
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,631
- ooh, are you sure
About that?
211
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,365
That's your fourth one.
212
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:53,701
- hey, I need a few drinks
So I can go home
213
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,202
And be nice
To the old lady.
214
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:58,305
- [chuckles]
Tell me about it.
215
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,708
- you know, it sounds like
216
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,776
You could use
A little advice.
217
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,845
- oh, I'm glad you're back.
218
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,781
I missed you.
219
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:10,183
- and I you.
220
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,319
By the way, not that
This is a contest,
221
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:13,854
But I will win.
222
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,690
You will insult me
Before I insult you.
223
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:19,492
- I don't think so, joy.
224
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,629
- oh, dear.
225
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:25,799
My soda's gone flat.
226
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:27,901
- nice try.
227
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:31,939
You must think I was born...
228
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,875
Yesterday.
229
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,309
- I'm sorry, elka.
230
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:40,547
But I'm not gonna
Be that easy.
231
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,716
- I see.
232
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,417
Would you be a dear
233
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:48,421
And hand me
That leathery, old bag?
234
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:56,063
- oh, why is this so hard?
235
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,199
But since we can't
Insult each other,
236
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:01,501
How about we scratch
Each other's itch
237
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,003
And insult ourselves?
238
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,838
- how would that work?
239
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:07,007
- well, uh, I could say
240
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,677
I use my giant man hands
241
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:13,480
To hold my skanky
One-night stands
242
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:17,084
Against my pathetic
Boy boobs.
243
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,586
That sort of thing.
244
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,121
Okay, your turn.
245
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:24,157
- all right.
246
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:31,564
I got nothing.
247
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:32,833
- nothing?
248
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,567
There's thousands of things
Wrong with you.
249
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:39,673
Insult yourself, you crotchety
Piece of bat jerky.
250
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:42,342
- I win.
251
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,747
- it's just that my wife
Finds fault
252
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,215
In everything that I do.
253
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,183
- you know,
Let me ask you something.
254
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:51,418
When was the last time
255
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,320
You gave your wife flowers
For no reason?
256
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:54,822
- I don't think
I've ever done that.
257
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,356
- exactly.
258
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,091
Now there's a flower shop
Around the corner.
259
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,993
Go there, spend too much,
Go home,
260
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,195
And then tell your wife
Three nice things
261
00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:04,031
You know will melt her heart.
262
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:06,066
And you know what?
263
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,534
Take this.
264
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,503
- I'll give it a try.
Thanks.
265
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,740
- I've been helping people
Like that all night.
266
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,775
- really?
The bar's pretty empty.
267
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:17,144
- oh, well, there were
More people here earlier.
268
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,578
But I told one guy
To go home
269
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:19,947
And spend more time
With his son.
270
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:21,414
And I told a group
Of college kids
271
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:22,482
That sitting around
And drinking all night
272
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,550
Would ruin their lives.
273
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:24,584
- and they listened to you?
274
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:27,054
- well, they left.
275
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:29,222
- melanie, your trial period
Is over.
276
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:30,824
- oh, and I'm hired?
277
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,894
- oh, it rhymes with hired.
278
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,864
- look, the point of bartending
Is to encourage more drinking,
279
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,531
Not telling people
They've had too much
280
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,868
Or they should be home
With their families.
281
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,202
Wait a minute.
282
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,537
Where's that bottle
Of chateau margaux I put aside?
283
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,806
- oh, well, I gave it away.
284
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,841
But it was to save
A man's marriage.
285
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,878
- I wish I could
Fire you again.
286
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,547
- I'm sorry, honey.
287
00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:56,784
How about we all head home
And call it a night?
288
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,551
- no, I-I'm gonna stay,
289
00:11:58,585 --> 00:11:59,920
You know, for george's sake.
290
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,254
I think I should
Take another stab
291
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,790
At finding a regular guy.
292
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:06,126
- oh, good luck with that.
- have fun.
293
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:09,029
- beer, please.
294
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:17,170
- hello,
I'm also drinking beer.
295
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:20,373
- wow, I didn't expect
To run into victoria chase here.
296
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,109
- [chuckles]
Oh, don't think of me
297
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:23,811
As a famous,
Glamorous actress.
298
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:26,379
No, I'm just
A nice, average girl
299
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,681
Having a beer with
A nice, average guy.
300
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:31,819
- I've often been described
As average.
301
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,056
- so, what do you
Do for fun?
302
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,590
- oh, you know,
The four "B"S--
303
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:40,527
Beer, barbecue,
Bowling, batting cages.
304
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,162
- you're perfect.
305
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:46,199
- never heard that before.
[chuckles]
306
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,468
- well, I never thought
I'd say these words:
307
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,037
I went bowling
And I think it's something
308
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,639
I could be good at.
309
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:55,208
- you realize you didn't
Knock over a single pin?
310
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:58,578
- well, that's not really
The point of bowling, is it?
311
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,881
- it kind of is.
- oh.
312
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,150
- you're cute.
- oh, and you are fun.
313
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,184
- ah.
314
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,586
[knock at door]
315
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,857
- oh, it's just
My annoying neighbor,
316
00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:11,458
Julie or susan or--
317
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,459
I don't know,
Something like that.
318
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:13,593
- sally?
- yeah, that's it.
319
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,727
How did you know?
320
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:18,631
- because that's my wife.
- what?
321
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,868
You're sloppy joe?
322
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,972
- open up, victoria.
I know you're in there!
323
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,039
- uh, just a minute.
324
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,407
I'm loading the dishwasher.
325
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,709
That's a thing, right?
- yeah.
326
00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:31,411
- why didn't you tell me
You were married?
327
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:32,679
- I didn't think I had to.
328
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,447
I'm your next door neighbor.
329
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,349
I've never done anything
Like this before.
330
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:38,318
Why did you come on to me
So strong?
331
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,920
- but I didn't
Come on to you.
332
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,055
- you said, "Hello,"
And you asked me a question.
333
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:45,092
Last time a woman did that,
I married her.
334
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:51,498
- hi. Here's another thing
Your dog ruined,
335
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,200
My favorite crocs.
336
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,302
- well, when you wear shoes
That look like chew toys,
337
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,304
What do you expect?
338
00:13:57,337 --> 00:14:00,908
Look, I'll write you a check
For $6.
339
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,475
- sally, honey,
There you are.
340
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,710
- what do you want?
341
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:05,478
- I saw you talking
To victoria,
342
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,414
And I thought,
"Hey, there's only one woman
343
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,748
"I'm attracted to over there,
344
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:10,550
And I need to have her now."
345
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:11,919
- okay, fine.
346
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,586
But the kids are halfway
Through spongebob,
347
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,188
So we only have time
For bottoms off.
348
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:17,557
- ah, damn, you're sexy.
349
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:27,100
- so we all failed
And george is worse.
350
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,735
- well, it's hard
To find a purpose.
351
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,071
I read somewhere
That on people's deathbeds,
352
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,539
Their biggest regret
Is never having
353
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,441
Found their purpose
In the world.
354
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:37,644
- thanks, melanie.
Now I'm picturing my deathbed.
355
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,146
And I'm lying there all alone
356
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:42,349
Because I never found love
Again after emmet.
357
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,416
Sure, the press is there,
358
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:47,487
But that's cold comfort.
359
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,957
And now, with the years
Flying by so fast,
360
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,324
Death is right
Around the corner.
361
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,126
And sure we can fake it
With botox,
362
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,829
But our insides know.
363
00:14:56,863 --> 00:14:59,232
- I know my liver does.
364
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:02,669
I'm probably aging faster
Than any of you.
365
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:04,771
What if I end up
In a home with elka,
366
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,039
And we spend our final days
367
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:09,977
Blinking angrily
At each other?
368
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:13,981
- don't worry.
I already have "Dnrj."
369
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:16,116
- what's a "Dnrj"?
370
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:19,152
- "Do not room with joy."
371
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:25,392
Or maybe it's,
"Do not resuscitate joy."
372
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,360
- oh, now listen to us.
373
00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:29,096
No wonder george
Is depressed.
374
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,298
- what are we gonna say
On the radio tomorrow?
375
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,634
- well, I've recently learned
A little something
376
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,537
About saying the opposite
Of what you're feeling.
377
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,040
- you're an idiot.
- hey!
378
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:44,311
- I'm doing
The opposite thing.
379
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,747
- ladies, your dog
George clooney
380
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,017
Has been suffering
From depression.
381
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,352
One week later, ladies,
How's it going?
382
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,553
- fantastic.
383
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:54,787
- I found a regular guy
384
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:57,824
Who introduced me
To the bowling cages.
385
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,063
- and elka and I
Are so close.
386
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,531
We're finishing
Each other's--
387
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,666
- meals.
388
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:11,404
- yes, meals.
389
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:15,042
You've never played
Match game, have you?
390
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,077
- and I found my purpose,
I really did.
391
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,378
- I know.
392
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:21,914
George told me that
He's never been happier.
393
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:25,052
His words, not mine.
394
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:27,587
- oh, george told you
All that, did he?
395
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,590
- he certainly did,
Bark for bark.
396
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,692
- no, he couldn't
Have said that.
397
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,127
- why not?
398
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:36,429
- because everything
We said was a lie.
399
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,631
He's miserable.
We're miserable.
400
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,268
You're a fraud.
You can't talk to animals.
401
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,303
- of course I can.
402
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,338
Oh, yeah,
I see what happened.
403
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,974
See, sometimes animals,
In an attempt
404
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:52,345
To protect their owners,
Will often spin the truth
405
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,347
In a positive direction.
406
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,749
Yeah.
407
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,919
Also, the words
For depressed and happy
408
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:04,491
Are very similar in dog.
409
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:08,328
Oh, god, what the hell
Am I doing?
410
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,930
I am so tired of this.
- a-ha!
411
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,932
So you can't
Talk to animals.
412
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:16,203
- nobody can
Talk to animals.
413
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:19,706
This is so not
What I wanted my life to be.
414
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:23,110
- well,
What did you wanna be?
415
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:26,479
- I wanted to be
A veterinarian.
416
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:29,416
But that school
Takes five years.
417
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:32,852
And by the time I graduate,
I would be 45.
418
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,888
- [laughs]
Oh, poor baby.
419
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,892
- well, in five years,
You're gonna be 45
420
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,228
No matter what you do.
421
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,763
So wouldn't you rather
Be 45 and a vet?
422
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:47,267
- I never thought of it
Like that.
423
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,036
That's really good advice.
424
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:52,572
I'm gonna do it.
425
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,441
- uh, we have a call.
426
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,809
- no, I am out of here,
Milo.
427
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,645
- actually,
It's for melanie.
428
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:02,882
- for me?
Oh, okay.
429
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,784
Hi, this is melanie.
430
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,786
- first of all, melanie,
I thought the advice
431
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,156
You gave dr. Deb
Was really good.
432
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:11,158
- oh, thank you.
433
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,559
How can I help you?
434
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,162
- my husband derrick
Came home last night
435
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:19,399
With flowers and a bottle
Of wine for no reason.
436
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,268
He's having an affair,
Right?
437
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:24,471
- or maybe he's
Just trying to tell you
438
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,940
He appreciates you
With that chateau margaux.
439
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,909
I'm guessing.
440
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,077
You know what?
441
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,645
Why don't you just
Cut the guy some slack?
442
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,381
And if you have
To criticize him,
443
00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:36,048
Do it after sex.
444
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:40,820
That way, he associates
Criticism with pleasure.
445
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:43,423
- thank you, melanie.
I'll try that.
446
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,493
- okay, you've
Got three more callers.
447
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:47,960
But we gotta go
To a commercial break.
448
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,296
There's copy there,
Right on the desk.
449
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:50,663
- what?
- right on the desk,
450
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,098
Right there.
- oh, okay, okay.
451
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:55,635
[clears throat]
This portion of...
452
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,937
Well, whatever
Is going on here
453
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:02,975
Is sponsored by olay regenerist
Micro-sculpting cream.
454
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:06,446
Ooh, "Visible wrinkle results
Start day one."
455
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,381
Hey, this stuff
Sounds really good.
456
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:11,418
- that's my last freebie.
457
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,558
- oh, my god, you guys.
458
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:19,926
I was just
Talking to the g.M.,
459
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,494
Which means general manager,
460
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:22,729
And he's gonna give me
My own slot,
461
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,030
Which means my own show.
462
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:27,066
So all I need now
Is a board op, which--
463
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:30,237
Yeah, I don't know
What that means.
464
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,638
- uh, that means me.
- oh!
465
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,839
So I have one.
466
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,341
Now it's only
On a trial basis,
467
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,776
But I am officially
In the radio business.
468
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:39,846
- oh, melanie,
That is fabulous.
469
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,749
- whoa. Hey, buddy.
[laughs]
470
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,016
Oh, come on.
471
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,985
You were supposed to stay
In the booth.
472
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,254
Yes, you were.
473
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:48,855
- oh, look
At george clooney.
474
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,089
Okay.
475
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,125
- oh, he's so happy.
476
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:54,394
- maybe he wasn't depressed.
477
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,296
Maybe he just
Needed a friend.
478
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:57,764
- wow, they sure seem
To like each other.
479
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:58,865
- yeah.
480
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,099
- you know, I'd be happy
481
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,402
To bring him over
For a playdate sometime.
482
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,103
- wow, what a nice guy.
483
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,374
- yeah.
Nice, regular guy?
484
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:08,975
Kinda like I tried
To tell you last week,
485
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:10,176
When I said maybe
You should
486
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,078
Date nice, regular guys.
487
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:15,081
- oh, I missed that.
488
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:18,318
But yes, I would love
To go out with you--
489
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:22,489
Uh, I wanna say, frodo?
490
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,592
- milo.
- milo.
491
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,260
- hey, if we
Didn't depress george,
492
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,695
We didn't do anything wrong.
493
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,263
We can go back
To the way things were.
494
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:31,964
Come on, I'll buy you
A cup of coffee,
495
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:33,099
You old biddy.
496
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:36,769
- coffee with a tart.
Sounds good to me.
497
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,077
[upbeat music]
498
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,480
- * ba-ba, ba-ba
499
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,816
* ba-ba, ba-ba
500
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,023
* ba-ba, ba-ba
501
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,492
* ba-ba, ba-ba
502
00:20:59,526 --> 00:21:05,798
*
503
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,802
* hey!
35566
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