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1
00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:10,711
- hot in cleveland
Is recorded
2
00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,046
In front
Of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,014
- simon is going to be here
Any minute.
4
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:15,316
These pillows are flat!
5
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:19,587
- well, if he's turned off
By flat things--
6
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:26,360
- elka, not today.
She's very nervous.
7
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,162
Joy, honey,
You have got to calm down.
8
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,630
- I can't.
9
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,100
I'm nervous enough
That simon's coming to see me,
10
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,801
But he's also
Meeting his son
11
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,869
And his grandson
For the first time.
12
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:39,240
I know it's silly of me to hope,
But what if it all works out?
13
00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:43,177
We could be a real family,
Maybe even a perfect family.
14
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:46,647
- well, no family is perfect.
- we'll be.
15
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:50,418
Caroling on christmas eve
In our matching sweaters.
16
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,019
People will look at us
And say,
17
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,722
"Why can't we be happy
Like them?"
18
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,258
And we'll smile as the spirit
Of christmas
19
00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:01,129
Is replaced by envy
In their hearts.
20
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:05,499
- and I thought melanie was
The one with the brain tumor.
21
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,000
- speaking of which,
22
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,002
Elka and I are going
Doctor shopping today.
23
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,504
- good luck with that, honey.
- yeah.
24
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:11,672
Say, where's wilbur?
25
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,907
- he's out with victoria again.
26
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,008
Poor wilbur.
27
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,344
Haven't told him yet,
28
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,279
But he's been wait-listed
At prescott academy.
29
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,714
- academy?
It's a pre-school.
30
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:25,018
- yes, the most exclusive
Pre-school in cleveland,
31
00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,188
And it's a feeder school
For all the best kindergartens.
32
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,790
- they color.
33
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,893
- but he'll be coloring
With the best.
34
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,995
It's all right
That wilbur lives in cleveland,
35
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,231
I just don't want him
To be too cleveland.
36
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:40,168
- I have a major announcement
To make.
37
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:41,435
Guess who's a finalist
38
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:45,173
In the little prince charming
Pageant?
39
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:48,376
- ta-da!
40
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:52,180
- victoria,
What's going on here?
41
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:56,083
Wilbur, are you wearing
False eyelashes?
42
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,919
- don't they make
My eyes pop?
43
00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:04,758
- nothing too cleveland
About that.
44
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,797
[upbeat music]
45
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:14,802
*
46
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:15,903
Hey!
47
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,405
- victoria,
48
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:20,541
You've been entering my grandson
In beauty pageants?
49
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:23,477
- joy, my life
Is a mess right now.
50
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,679
My husband escaped from jail
And is on the lam,
51
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,348
God knows where.
52
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:30,384
But when I see little wilbur
Up on that stage,
53
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:34,588
Body glitter glowing,
Belting out rhinestone cowboy,
54
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:38,058
For just a few minutes I can
Actually forget my problems
55
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:42,230
And just be a normal person.
56
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:47,034
- victoria, did you stuff a sock
Down his pants?
57
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,903
- not an adult sock.
A kid's sock.
58
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,306
They all do it.
59
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,875
[knocking on door]
- oh, my god, it's simon.
60
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,845
Everyone relax!
Don't panic!
61
00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,547
- I'll get the door.
62
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,884
- hey.
- hello, simon.
63
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,420
- wow.
You look beautiful.
64
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,256
Both: thank you.
65
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,259
- who's this wee gentleman?
66
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,561
- this is wilbur,
Your grandson.
67
00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:14,895
- my grandson?
- mm-hmm.
68
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,630
- I have a grandson.
69
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,965
Wow. Look at you.
70
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:21,969
I-I never thought you'd be so--
- fabulous?
71
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,038
- I brought you a gift.
72
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,575
Now, you kick it or, um,
73
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,176
You can glue
Little mirrors on it
74
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:30,444
And turn it
Into a disco ball.
75
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:32,946
It's all good.
76
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,586
- in your case, melanie,
77
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,654
I'd recommend a course
Of radiation to shrink the tumor
78
00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:43,624
And then assess the need
For surgery.
79
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:46,794
Let me grab your x-rays
And we can discuss further.
80
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,296
Oh, don't steal anything
While I'm gone.
81
00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:50,831
[laughter]
82
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,535
- that is one handsome man.
83
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,069
- yeah.
Too handsome.
84
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,005
I don't want a doctor
That handsome.
85
00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:01,542
I need an ugly, nerdy doctor
Who had no dates in med school
86
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,312
And had no choice
But to focus on studying.
87
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,013
- but he was funny.
88
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,448
- no, he wasn't.
89
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:08,782
He said a couple
Of lame jokes
90
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,150
And we both giggled
Like schoolgirls
91
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:12,219
Because he's so handsome.
92
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,888
Beautiful people get the benefit
Of the doubt all the time.
93
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,558
- oh, don't I know it.
94
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,761
- I need
An unattractive doctor.
95
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:24,565
- maybe you shouldn't base
Your entire decision on looks.
96
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,201
- found your x-rays.
97
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,637
They were right next
To your y-rays.
98
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:33,707
[laughter]
99
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:36,109
- yeah.
We got to get out of here.
100
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:41,181
- still can't believe wilbur.
101
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,883
I have a grandson!
102
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:47,355
And he's so...Sparkly.
103
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:48,922
- that's new.
104
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,791
Victoria's taken him
Under her wing.
105
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,360
- well, he's adorable,
106
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:53,894
But when do I get to meet
His father?
107
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,564
My son.
My boy.
108
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:58,065
My bonnie wee laddie.
109
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,501
- his flight gets in
This afternoon.
110
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,670
I should probably prepare you
111
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,739
That owen's feelings about
Meeting you are complicated.
112
00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:08,008
He's a little resentful
About you leaving me
113
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,710
And not trying
To find him.
114
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,211
- that's understandable,
I suppose,
115
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,546
But we'll work through it.
116
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,516
What was I thinking
Leaving you?
117
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,285
You don't look a day older
Than that beautiful teenage girl
118
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,388
I used to take salsa dancing.
- [laughs]
119
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:23,824
You're full of crap,
But thank you.
120
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:27,260
Oh, god, it's been years
Since I salsa danced.
121
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:31,532
- well, luckily for you
I have uno telefono con musica.
122
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,667
[salsa music playing]
123
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:36,837
Ah, and just like that
It's 30 years ago
124
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:40,574
In a dark, smoky salsa club
In the west end,
125
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:45,479
Pushing all the other guys
Out of the way.
126
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,214
Care to dance, chica?
127
00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,760
You still got it, kid.
128
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,664
- simon,
We should take this slow.
129
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,032
- I totally agree.
130
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:09,437
- let's take it slow all the way
Upstairs to my bedroom.
131
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:12,039
- I'm already dancing you
In that direction.
132
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:18,245
- we've been to ten doctors.
Just pick one!
133
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:19,680
- we haven't been
To doctor klein.
134
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,214
He's perfect.
135
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:23,784
- klein's not taking
Any new patients.
136
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,486
- I know,
But there is more than one way
137
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,154
To get a doctor to see you.
138
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,456
I did some internet digging,
139
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,557
And he's looking
For a girlfriend
140
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,692
So I joined j-date.
141
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:35,028
- that's funny,
You don't look j-ish.
142
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,297
- yeah.
Well, I'm studying.
143
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,000
Don't let this goyishe punim
Fool you.
144
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:43,136
I've got shpilkes
In the finitin.
145
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:47,207
- oy vey.
146
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,643
This is not going
To end well.
147
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:51,512
- yes, it will.
148
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,047
"I told you so"?
149
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,617
- that's for later.
150
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:05,192
- [humming]
151
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,833
How'd it go?
152
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,168
Did you find
Your tumor doctor?
153
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,705
- not yet.
[laughs]
154
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,239
No.
No one was quite right.
155
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,509
- well, I'm sure
You will find one soon.
156
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:24,512
And elka, ooh!
I could just eat you up.
157
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,946
- oh, no.
158
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:31,685
Somebody put air
In this old tire.
159
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,854
- yes!
160
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,857
Simon and I made love,
And it was perfect.
161
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:40,894
Afterwards, I wasn't disgusted
With him or myself.
162
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:44,097
It's like a fairy tale.
163
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:47,167
[phone ringing]
Oh, hang on.
164
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,803
Oh, it's prescott academy
Calling.
165
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,404
Hello?
166
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,841
Yes, I'll hold for admissions.
167
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:57,711
Do I sound
Like I just had sex?
168
00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:03,450
Oh, sorry.
I-I thought I was on hold.
169
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,786
An interview?
This afternoon?
170
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,622
Well, uh, wilbur's grandfather
Just arrived.
171
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:12,292
Yes, he's very involved
In wilbur's life.
172
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:15,128
Yes, he'd love to come.
173
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,097
See you then.
174
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,699
Oh, bollocks!
175
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,101
They want us in for an interview
This afternoon.
176
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,137
Now I've got to find out
Where victoria's taken wilbur,
177
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,273
Tell owen he has to rush
From the airport
178
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,108
To meet a father
He doesn't even want to meet
179
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,277
In an interview where
We have to present ourselves
180
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:31,712
As the perfect family.
181
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,581
- why don't you reschedule?
182
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,683
- you can't reschedule
With these places.
183
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,751
No, I went through this
With my kids.
184
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,587
This is your only chance.
185
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,121
They're gonna be judging you
On everything,
186
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:42,856
So you have to be perfect.
187
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:45,659
I'm sure pre-schools
Were different in your day.
188
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:49,329
- my pre-school was a box.
189
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:55,035
And my teacher
Was a potato.
190
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,637
[sighs]
191
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,739
Then winter came...
192
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:01,174
And I had to eat my teacher.
193
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,623
- I can't believe I'm gonna meet
My son for the first time.
194
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:16,890
How do I look?
195
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:21,629
- stop making this about you.
How do I look?
196
00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:24,297
- gorgeous as always.
197
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:27,367
- oh, I'd love to, but I don't
Want to smudge my lipstick.
198
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,469
Everything
Has to be perfect.
199
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:31,038
We weren't there for owen,
200
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,940
But we can make sure
That wilbur gets the best.
201
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:34,407
God, where's wilbur?
202
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,276
Victoria should have
Brought him here by now.
203
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,511
Where the [bleep] Is she?
204
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,115
- I beg your pardon?
205
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,550
- oh, no.
206
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,318
I--I'm--
I wasn't referring to you.
207
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:50,490
We were discussing my gardener,
Wari fukishi.
208
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,559
He's a lovely man.
209
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,962
- I'm dr. Teresa carson,
Headmistress.
210
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:58,431
- this is simon, and I'm joy.
211
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:03,603
- wow.
That is a big hand.
212
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,839
- how kind of you to notice.
213
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:09,342
- where's wilbur,
Or his father for that matter?
214
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,712
- wilbur is on
An educational adventure
215
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,113
With his aunt victoria,
216
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,348
And owen is getting back
From a business trip.
217
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,549
He should be here
Any minute.
218
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,485
- and I can't wait
To meet him.
219
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:21,154
See him, I mean.
Again, I mean.
220
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:23,423
- excuse me.
221
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:27,027
- my boy!
It's you!
222
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:32,065
- why are you hugging
My assistant?
223
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:35,035
- because saying "My boy"
And then giving a hug
224
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,104
Is a standard greeting
In scotland...
225
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:41,274
To a young man...
You've just met.
226
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,143
- owen burr is here.
227
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,544
- send him in.
228
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:52,119
- oh, my god.
It's you.
229
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,387
- hi, dad.
230
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:01,261
- this is my son!
231
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,396
- now, simon.
232
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:04,932
It's not like
You've never seen owen
233
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,566
Come back
From a business trip before.
234
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,568
- of course!
235
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:09,970
It's happened many times,
236
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:13,073
But each time it does,
It's just so amazing.
237
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,976
- I'm dr. Carson,
Headmistress.
238
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,444
Why don't we all
Have a seat?
239
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,149
- he's creeping me out.
240
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,751
- suck it up.
241
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:26,286
We are a happy family,
We've been together forever,
242
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,121
And we love each other
Very much.
243
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,090
- so, owen, why don't you
Tell me a little bit
244
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,892
About your family dynamic?
245
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:35,428
- well, we're a happy family,
We've been together forever,
246
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:38,498
And we love each other
Very much.
247
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:42,302
- beautifully put.
248
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,137
- he's got
His grandmother's eyes.
249
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,073
To think I might never
Have seen them.
250
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:51,144
- if owen's plane
Had crashed.
251
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,447
We brits always
Expect the worst.
252
00:11:56,349 --> 00:12:01,688
I'm expecting it now.
253
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,390
- so, uh, how long you been
On j-date?
254
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,692
- uh, a week.
255
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:09,162
I remember because
I was having a brisket,
256
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:13,500
And I said to my friend ruchel,
"What could it hurt?"
257
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,836
- and how observant
Are you?
258
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:21,408
- observant enough to see
That you are quite a catch.
259
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,811
A doctor!
260
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,946
So what is your specialty,
I'm wondering?
261
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,815
- [laughs]
Brain tumors.
262
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,918
- of which I have one!
263
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:34,454
Maybe we could get together
Sometime in your office
264
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,190
For a nosh
Or a consultation maybe.
265
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:38,826
- oh, for god's sake.
266
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,327
You're the melanie
Who's been pestering my office
267
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,829
For an appointment.
268
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,030
You're not even jewish!
269
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:45,432
- but I'm so close!
I'm italian.
270
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,201
- look, I've got
Too many patients as it is.
271
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,669
I'm here because
My therapist wants me
272
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,304
To build a life
Outside my practice.
273
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,074
- so him you listen to
And not me?
274
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,243
- stop doing that!
275
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,947
I'm leaving.
276
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:03,984
- [sighs]
277
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,553
I know what it says, elka.
278
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:12,392
- it's not what you think.
Open it.
279
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:15,863
- "I told you so."
280
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:18,398
- there's something
On the other side.
281
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,670
- "See other side."
282
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,613
- so, mr. Burr,
You're a single parent
283
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,015
Who travels frequently?
284
00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,749
- oh, don't worry.
Wilbur's my life.
285
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,118
I'm not one of those dads
286
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,420
Who goes decades
Without seeing their kid.
287
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:42,255
That's not me.
288
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:43,891
- nor me, anymore.
289
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:47,895
If it ever was.
290
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:51,999
- we all love holding hands
So much.
291
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:56,436
- ah.
292
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:59,106
- but let's remember,
We're here to talk about wilbur.
293
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:02,910
- he's a great kid.
He's friendly, down to earth.
294
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:06,013
Just your typical, red-blooded,
All-american boy.
295
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:10,217
- say hello
To prince charming!
296
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,156
- wilbur!
297
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,960
Hey there, bud.
What happened to you?
298
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,461
- I won!
299
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,296
- oh, he certainly did.
[laughs]
300
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:24,697
I'm sorry we're late,
301
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,833
But you have one
Very special applicant here.
302
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:29,136
He made those other contestants
Look like babies...
303
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:30,303
[laughs]
304
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:33,440
Which, to be fair,
Most of them were.
305
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,475
- wilbur,
You're gonna go off with andy
306
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,078
And you're gonna play some games
And answer a few questions.
307
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,513
- oh, it's the talent portion.
308
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:41,814
- okey-dokey!
309
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:44,684
- all right,
Just dial it down a little bit.
310
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,288
- all right, now that we're all
Finally here,
311
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,290
Let's begin.
312
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,692
- victoria doesn't have to stay,
Does she?
313
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,962
- she's part of your
Support system, isn't she?
314
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,329
- yes, I am.
315
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,865
And you should know that
I am happy to use my celebrity
316
00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:02,002
To help the school
In any way.
317
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,271
- I'm sorry,
Who exactly are you?
318
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,073
- I'm victoria chase.
319
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:09,876
- and what do you do?
320
00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:12,079
- I'm a very famous actress.
321
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,981
- all right.
322
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:17,150
Okay,
Let's talk about family.
323
00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:18,551
I mean, obviously,
You know,
324
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,620
It's so important that children
Have adults who care.
325
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,589
- I absolutely agree.
326
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,524
That's why I made sure
Wilbur has that.
327
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,159
- speaking of caring, owen,
328
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,795
I read an article that said
That some fathers
329
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,998
Build strong bonds
With their children
330
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:32,599
Despite being absent
Many years.
331
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,367
- it probably drew
Your attention
332
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,003
Because of its lack
Of similarities
333
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,205
To our own situation.
334
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:39,839
- I read a different article
335
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,009
That said adult children
Of absent fathers
336
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,476
Aren't that interested
In building a bond.
337
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:46,046
- although all that reading
Didn't stop them
338
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:50,017
From enjoying america's
Favorite pastime, television.
339
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:55,422
Have I won an emmy?
Why, yes, I have.
340
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,027
- but today is about wilbur.
341
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:03,130
- well, I hope wilbur won't
Be watching much television.
342
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,565
We prefer outdoor activities
For our children.
343
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:07,467
- wilbur and I like
To go fishing.
344
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,402
- I love fishing!
We should go this weekend!
345
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,903
- you know,
I played a fish out of water
346
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:13,273
In the forthcoming
Woody allen movie.
347
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,042
Surely you have heard of him?
348
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,510
- I've heard of him.
I do not approve of him.
349
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:20,913
- [mocking] "I've heard of him.
I do not approve of him."
350
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,515
- look, if you don't want
To go fishing,
351
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:23,916
We could always go
Skeet shooting.
352
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,085
- I don't like guns.
353
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,419
- barbeque?
- I don't eat meat.
354
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:29,489
- hunting?
- that's guns and meat.
355
00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:31,591
Look, I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore.
356
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,393
This is just so weird.
357
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,662
- it-it doesn't have
To be, son.
358
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:38,465
- dude, back off.
I just met you!
359
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,901
- what is going on?
360
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,971
- oh, bloody hell.
I give up.
361
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:48,275
The truth is
Simon got me pregnant
362
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,642
When we were very young,
363
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,311
And I gave up owen
For adoption.
364
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,580
Owen and I reconnected
A few years ago,
365
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,182
But this is the first time
366
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:57,584
Simon's ever
Laid eyes on him.
367
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:00,220
Look, I know this is a big mess
But please,
368
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:02,455
Don't judge the child
By the family.
369
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,424
- and, you know,
That is an official rule
370
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,526
Of the little
Prince charming pageant.
371
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,896
- wait a minute.
I do recognize you.
372
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:12,132
- oh, thank you.
373
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,834
- I was travelling in asia
Last year.
374
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:18,405
You're the face
Of incontinence!
375
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,673
You're mrs. Ladypants!
376
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:26,246
- will that help wilbur get
Into your school?
377
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,647
- not at all.
378
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,117
- then I have no idea
What you're talking about.
379
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:34,887
- I don't know
What I'm gonna do.
380
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,123
I can't find the right doctor.
- yeah.
381
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,390
When my first marriage
Fell apart,
382
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:38,658
I had trouble
Choosing a lawyer
383
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:41,528
Because subconsciously,
Once I chose one
384
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,631
It would mean that I was really
Getting divorced.
385
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:47,800
- and if I choose a doctor
386
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:51,003
It means I really have
A brain tumor.
387
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:55,342
And I do,
So I will choose one.
388
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,043
- well, whoever you choose,
389
00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:59,246
I mean, we're going
Through this with you.
390
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:02,715
So choose a handsome one.
391
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,420
- yeah,
Maybe I'm in denial too,
392
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:13,293
Using wilbur's pageants as
A distraction from my problems.
393
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,628
You know, whether or not
I ever see emmet again,
394
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:19,065
I need to just move on
With my life.
395
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:21,734
Well,
After wilbur wins state.
396
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,405
- hey, how come we have
So much wine left?
397
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,774
- joy's on the porch.
398
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:32,745
- all right.
So wilbur didn't get in.
399
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:36,249
We'll get him a box
And a potato.
400
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,251
I hated
That pre-school anyway.
401
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,819
- me too.
- me too.
402
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,087
- of course,
We're only saying that
403
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:42,622
'cause he never got in.
- of course.
404
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,192
- it's a great pre-school.
- it was magnificent!
405
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:49,429
They had an olympic-sized pool.
It was only two-feet deep!
406
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:53,099
- we've taken perfect family
Off the table,
407
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,067
But maybe
We can be something.
408
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,903
- I'd like that.
409
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,472
Look, we might not be
The first family
410
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:01,208
That started out
With a broken condom
411
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,875
Behind the bins
Of a fish and chip shop,
412
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:06,579
But we can be the best!
413
00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:07,747
- [sighs]
414
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,816
Look, you seem
Like a decent guy now,
415
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:11,218
But it's hard to get over
416
00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:12,485
All those awful things
You've done.
417
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,953
- abandoning your mother?
418
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:18,525
- yeah, and the drug dealing
And the arson.
419
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:21,294
- what?
I never did those things.
420
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,564
- when I first met owen,
421
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:27,133
I may have told him
A few white lies
422
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,969
So he'd hate you
As much as I did.
423
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,305
Plus, I'd just shot him
424
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:35,942
And I wanted him to be
On my side.
425
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:37,444
- you shot him?
426
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,111
- you lied to me?
427
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:41,981
- oh, look at us.
[laughs]
428
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,116
Oh, we may have just met,
429
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,852
But we already have
A lot of baggage.
430
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:49,789
We are a real family.
431
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:51,691
- all right.
432
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,793
How about
We go fishing tomorrow?
433
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,395
- I'd like that.
434
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:58,631
We can take wilbur.
We can use his sequins as lures.
435
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,433
- speaking of wilbur,
436
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:03,169
I need to go upstairs and make
Sure he brushes his teeth...
437
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,439
And takes off his makeup.
438
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,378
- we made a good kid,
Didn't we?
439
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,280
- we sure did.
440
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,947
- you know,
I never thought I'd say this,
441
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:18,251
But do you want
To go to bed, grandma?
442
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:21,187
- I sure would, grandpa.
443
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:25,825
- worst dirty talk ever.
444
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:28,895
- oh, shut up and kiss me.
32076
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