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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,394
♪ Men.♪
2
00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:06,136
Are you eating
cookie dough?
3
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:07,877
Yup. It's my favorite recipe.
4
00:00:07,964 --> 00:00:11,185
All you need
is cookie dough and weed.
5
00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:13,056
So the only thing
you have to bake is yourself.
6
00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,537
It's very efficient.
7
00:00:15,624 --> 00:00:17,887
It causes the munchies
and then immediately cures them.
8
00:00:17,974 --> 00:00:20,716
[computer chimes]Hey.
9
00:00:20,803 --> 00:00:22,326
What do you know?
They found my car.
10
00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:23,893
You lost your car?
11
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:24,937
What the hell's your
cookie dough laced with?
12
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,896
No, I found this company
13
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,899
and they help you
locate old vehicles.
14
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:33,294
It's called
Dude, Where's My Car?
15
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,209
So what's so great
about this thing?
16
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:37,950
I don't know. It's my first car.
I got a lot of firsts in it.
17
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,778
First time I learned to drive.
18
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:42,303
First time I had sex.
19
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:44,305
First time I had a condom break.
20
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:46,655
First time I prayed.
21
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,352
So you gonna buy this car?
22
00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:51,094
No. Some guy named
Dirk in Denver has it.
23
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:53,270
So why go through all the effort
24
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:54,097
of tracking it down
if you don't want it?
25
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,360
Nostalgia?
26
00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,232
It's kind of like...
27
00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,668
looking up
your first girlfriend,
28
00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:01,148
or your high school
math teacher.
29
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:05,065
For me,
those were one and the same.
30
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,850
She still writes me
from prison.
31
00:01:07,937 --> 00:01:11,549
I think my math teacher
had a crush on my me, too.
32
00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:14,117
I mean, why else would he ask me
to take a shower
33
00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:16,728
after math team practice?
34
00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:18,817
Oh, oh, good, everybody's here.
35
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:22,256
Uh, I would now like
to introduce my girlfriend,
36
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,258
the very fetchin'
Gretchen.
37
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,346
Hey, everybody.
38
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,869
Hi, I'm Walden. It's nice
39
00:01:26,956 --> 00:01:28,044
to finally meet you.Yeah.
40
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,437
Alan, uh, told me that you work
41
00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:32,527
in an animal shelter
taking in strays.
42
00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,398
So we have
a lot in common.
43
00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:36,096
Yeah.
44
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,793
Uh, this is my-my niece Jenny.
45
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:38,794
Hi.
Hi.
46
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:40,187
And we met.
47
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:41,536
I'm Barry, Walden's
youthful ward.
48
00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:42,667
It's really nice
to meet all of you.
49
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:44,147
God, this place
is amazing.
50
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:45,801
How do you afford
the rent, Alan?
51
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,019
[laughs]
52
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,979
What's so funny?
53
00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:52,416
Well, I-I don't pay rent,
per se.
54
00:01:52,503 --> 00:01:53,722
Or per month.
55
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:56,246
Or per year.
56
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,596
Really? No rent?
57
00:01:58,683 --> 00:02:00,163
How long has that
been going on?
58
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,991
Three years with Walden,
eight years with my dad.
59
00:02:02,078 --> 00:02:05,777
You have been living here
for 11 years for free?
60
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,127
Yeah.
61
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,345
I have never
wanted you more.
62
00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,520
[chuckles]
63
00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:11,218
Who's my cheap daddy?
64
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,307
Would you like to see
the bedroom I don't pay for?
65
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,135
Would you like to see my boobs
I bought with a Groupon?
66
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,750
Will you let me get
my grope on?
67
00:02:21,837 --> 00:02:24,796
Nice to meet you, Gretchen.
Make yourself at home.
68
00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:26,711
I've got to stop
saying that.
69
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,583
So, what do you say
we hop on your plane,
70
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:31,412
head over to Denver
and at least look
at this car?
71
00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:32,717
You know you want to.
72
00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,850
You guys just want
to go to Colorado
73
00:02:34,937 --> 00:02:36,025
'cause pot is legal there.
74
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:38,419
What?
It's-It's legal?
75
00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:40,247
They legalized marijuana
in Colorado?
76
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:43,337
You say up
to three ounces?
77
00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:46,166
Look, we're not going to Denver
to look at a car
78
00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:47,950
and bring home
three ounces of pot.
79
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,734
Yeah, but if we go
with you,
80
00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,910
we can bring back
nine ounces.
81
00:02:51,997 --> 00:02:54,174
Fire up the jet.
82
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:57,786
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
83
00:02:57,873 --> 00:03:00,832
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
84
00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:06,316
♪ Men.♪
85
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:11,452
Well, guess who just joined
the Mile High Club.
86
00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:15,064
No, it doesn't count
when you do it alone.
87
00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:18,328
Oh, it counted... twice.
88
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,503
Up top.
89
00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:20,678
No!
90
00:03:20,765 --> 00:03:21,897
Not gonna happen.
91
00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:24,943
This is crazy.
92
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,294
There's no way my old car
is worth the cost
93
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,122
of flying all the way to Denver
and putting in a new bathroom.
94
00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:33,691
We can't turn back now.
95
00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:34,692
I canceled an audition
for this trip.
96
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,738
You're kidding, right?
97
00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:39,697
The part was
Dead Junkie Number Two.
98
00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:43,875
Although, I did buy painkillers
to get into character.
99
00:03:43,962 --> 00:03:46,487
It doesn't matter
what the role is.
100
00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:48,793
This job leads to the next,
101
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,492
and you're playing
Dead Junkie Number One.
102
00:03:51,579 --> 00:03:53,450
And before you know it,
you're playing a live junkie!
103
00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:56,018
And then what?
104
00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:57,585
Win a bunch of Oscars,
105
00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,196
get rich, fly around
on a private plane?
106
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,416
Oh, look, I skipped to the end!
107
00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,548
So what kind of car
are we going to look at?
108
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:06,637
You can thank me later
for changing the subject.
109
00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:10,032
It's a 1967 Mustang
110
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,687
with a 289 V-8,
a Holley four-barrel carb
111
00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:13,775
and Positraction.
112
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:14,993
[whistles]
113
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,778
What does that mean?
114
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:19,694
I have no idea. My dad used
to say it all the time
115
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,565
when we were working on the car.
116
00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:23,698
I like to think that it
117
00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,266
was one of his ways
of saying, "I love you."
118
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,006
Another was,
"Why is Daddy's beer empty?"
119
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,573
I totally get it.
120
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,619
My dad's coded "I love you"
was, "Seriously?
121
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,708
You can't catch a football
one damn time?"
122
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:36,798
[chuckles]
123
00:04:36,885 --> 00:04:39,235
So you worked on this
with your dad.
124
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:40,715
Apparently, there's an emotional
connection with this car.
125
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,978
It's a mixed emotion.
126
00:04:43,065 --> 00:04:45,807
It took us two years
to restore it.
127
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:47,635
When it was finished,
it was cherry.
128
00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:50,942
Of course, Cherry was also
the name of the stripper
129
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,684
that he drove off with
when he left me and my mom.
130
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,512
Wait-- so why would you
want to buy something
131
00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,079
that caused you
so much pain?
132
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,863
I mean, that'd be like me buying
the senior prom.
133
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:03,259
It was on my 16th birthday.
134
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:06,393
I go outside the house...
and there's that car
135
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,003
sitting in the driveway.
136
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:09,483
No sign of my dad, though.
137
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,311
It was still the best
birthday ever.
138
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:13,574
Well, until my mom took a
baseball bat to the windshield.
139
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:16,533
You know what my dad got me
for my 16th birthday?
140
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:17,969
A box of condoms and a card
that said,
141
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,320
"Don't make the same mistake
I did."
142
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:22,887
He was a joker.
143
00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:25,673
How about you, Jenny?
144
00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:30,242
Oh, she would've nailed
Dead Junkie Number Two!
145
00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:32,723
♪ Men.♪
146
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:35,509
Oh! What a great idea:
147
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,032
having sex in every
room in the house.
148
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:40,340
Well, to be fair,
the laundry room was more you
149
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:42,516
sitting on the dryer
while I took a breather.
150
00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:44,082
Yeah. Next time, I think
151
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:45,736
I'm gonna throw in
a pair of snow boots.
152
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:48,565
You know, boom-boom-boom-
boom-boom!
Yeah.
153
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:51,612
One of the advantages
of being here alone.
154
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,397
Kind of makes a man want
to buy a place of his own.
155
00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:56,573
[both laugh]
156
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,881
Nah, I'm gonna die here,
I really am.
157
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:02,449
So, uh, what do you want
to do tonight?
158
00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:04,364
You know,
besides this guy.
159
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,931
I would love to spend
the night doing this guy,
160
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,846
but we promised
Lyndsey and Larry
we'd meet 'em.
161
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:09,847
Remember, karaoke?
162
00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:10,979
Oh, that's right.
163
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,807
Oh, hey, hey,
maybe we can use
164
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,156
my Halloween costumes
from last year.
165
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,984
You know, Donny and Marie?
166
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,725
Although I'm not sure you'd fit
into Walden's Donny outfit.
167
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:23,687
You know, I was thinking
tonight would be a great time
168
00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,646
to tell Larry that you're
not Jeff Strongman,
169
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,169
that you're really
Alan Harper.
170
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,127
Oh, that's funny
because I was thinking
171
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:32,609
tonight might be a great night
to not ruin four people's lives.
172
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:33,958
He's my brother, Alan.
173
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:35,612
I can't just
keep lying to him.
174
00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:37,745
I lied to my brother all
the time. It worked out great.
175
00:06:37,832 --> 00:06:39,529
Your brother's dead.
176
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:42,053
I didn't say it worked out
great for everybody.
177
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,665
♪ Men.♪
178
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:45,796
[plays discordant chord]
179
00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:46,884
Hey!
180
00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,583
Are you Dirk?
181
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:50,671
Are you a cop?
182
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,890
No.
Then I'm Dirk.
183
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:54,849
I'm Walden Schmidt.
I called about the car.
184
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:57,155
Actually, on the phone,
you asked if I was a cop.
185
00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:58,983
And then you asked me
if I wanted to buy any weed.
186
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:02,291
Yeah, that's the right order
to ask those questions.
187
00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,771
I learned that the hard way.
188
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:06,034
These your kids?
189
00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,557
[snickers]
190
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,429
No.
191
00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:10,604
Are they mine?
192
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:13,868
Hey, uh, is this the car?
193
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:15,696
Yeah, let me take her
top off for you.
194
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:19,221
You're about to see one hot car.
195
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:24,269
Where, behind
this piece of crap?
196
00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:26,794
She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done.
197
00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:28,970
Just like my old lady.
198
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,841
Hey, that's not bad.
199
00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:33,191
♪ She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done ♪
200
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:37,065
♪ I'd like to escape,
but I'm too old to run! ♪
201
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:38,806
Yeah, that's a hit!
202
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:41,504
So is this your car?
203
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,288
Yeah.
204
00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:45,682
It's still got the Vote For Bush
bumper sticker on it.
205
00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,379
You were a Republican?
206
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,859
No, my friends and I
just thought it was funny.
207
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:51,688
You know, "Bush"?
208
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:55,518
Tell you what, I love Bush.
209
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:57,259
You and me both.
210
00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:00,915
She's got a lot
of wear and tear on her.
211
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,090
Not much to look at.
212
00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:04,571
Looks like it was rear-ended.
213
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,355
Just like my old lady.
214
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:09,706
But she's got new headlights
and a roomy backseat.
215
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,926
Just like your old lady?
216
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:15,712
Hey! That's the mother
of three of my five kids!
217
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:19,150
Anyway, this bad boy can still
get up to a buck ten.
218
00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:22,197
Yeah, maybe if the truck
towing it was going 110.
219
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:24,547
You don't believe me,
I refer you
220
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,941
to World's Wildest
Police Chases,episode 139.
221
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:29,944
Whoa, what died in here?
222
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:32,773
My granddad.
223
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,383
The seat belt got jammed,
we had to
224
00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:36,037
leave him in there
for a couple of days.
225
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,867
Okay, well, hey, thank you
for showing us the car.
226
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,913
Whoa, hang on, hang on.
227
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,219
How much do
you want for it?
228
00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:45,002
Uh, uh, uh, what are you doing?
229
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:48,702
I'll take $1,800 unless you can
230
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:49,746
come up with some kind
of other arrangement.
231
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,748
Ew!
232
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,576
How about you?
233
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:56,405
No!
234
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,886
$1,800 it is, then.
235
00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:02,106
I'm not...
I'm not buying this car.
236
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:04,369
Walden, this car
is a piece of your life.
237
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,283
It doesn't mean anything
to anybody else
238
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,068
in the world except you.
239
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,463
All right, I'll give you $1,800.
240
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,944
Dude, you didn't haggle.
It's no good unless you haggle.
241
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:18,296
Okay, uh, fine. $1,600.
242
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:19,341
$1,700.
243
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,299
Deal. $1,700.
244
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,084
Yeah!
245
00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,174
I was just gonna give you
$1,800.
246
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:28,002
That's the thing
about haggling, dude.
247
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:32,093
Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose.
248
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,269
We definitely have to get
some of this guy's weed.
249
00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:36,140
♪ Men.♪
250
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:41,145
♪ Hey, will you love me
forever? ♪
251
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:43,713
♪ Let me sleep on it ♪
252
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,845
♪ Will you love me forever? ♪
253
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,411
♪ Let me sleep on it ♪
254
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:48,109
♪ Will you love me forever? ♪
255
00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:49,676
♪ I couldn't take it
any longer ♪
256
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,503
♪ Lord, I was crazed ♪
257
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,680
♪ And then the feeling came
upon me like a tidal wave ♪
258
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,117
♪ I started swearing to my God
on my mother's grave ♪
259
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:58,032
♪ That I would love you
till the end of time ♪
260
00:09:58,119 --> 00:10:00,948
♪ I swore I'd love you
till the end of time! ♪
261
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:03,472
Yeah!
262
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:04,995
Gretchen, Jeff!
263
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:06,910
Follow that, bitches.
264
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:09,870
Come on, Lyndsey, it's our turn.
265
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:10,914
♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪
266
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:14,788
Woof, woof. Woof, woof.
267
00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:16,659
Come on. You can do
better than that.
268
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,879
Larry, do I look like I want
to do better than that?
269
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,663
Ooh, last time I saw
that face,
270
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,012
I forgot
to pick up wine.
271
00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:24,493
Boy, was I in
the doghouse
272
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,712
that night. Hey!
273
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,540
♪ Who's in the doghouse? ♪
274
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,542
♪ Who-who-who-who? ♪
275
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:31,587
That's what
I'm talking about!
276
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:32,936
Come on. Let's show 'em how
277
00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:34,590
you and your brother
do it doggy style.
278
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:40,291
He doesn't really
hear himself, does he?
279
00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:41,989
Why are you here?
280
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:44,818
I've told you a hundred times,
I don't want
281
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:46,602
to double-date with Gretchen
and Jeff Strongman.
282
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,256
Well, you won't
have to anymore.
283
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,519
Guess who's gonna tell Larry
the truth tonight.
284
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:52,913
♪ Who-who-who-who? ♪
285
00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:56,046
What do you mean?
286
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,832
I told Gretchen
who I really am.
287
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,964
I was tired of living a lie
288
00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,226
and sneaking around,
being dishonest.
289
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:03,271
I'm better than that.
290
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:04,533
She caught you.
291
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:06,013
Yes. Yes, she did.
292
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,232
But it felt good
to get it off my chest.
293
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:11,540
If you tell Larry
who you really are,
294
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,063
then he's gonna wonder why
I didn't tell him.
295
00:11:13,150 --> 00:11:15,805
And that's not something
I want to deal with
296
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:16,893
less than two weeks before
we're supposed to get married.
297
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,113
God, is it two weeks?
298
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,505
Boy, I better find
those rings.
299
00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:23,291
Alan, you're not gonna say
a thing about
300
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:24,945
who you really are.
301
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:26,337
I'm sorry, but I already
promised Gretchen.
302
00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:27,948
And-and the fact
of the matter is
303
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,732
you and I aren't
in a relationship anymore,
304
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:32,648
so you no longer have me
by the balls!
305
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,786
♪ Men.♪
306
00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:42,266
♪ Dial 1-900-mix-a-lot
and kick them nasty thoughts ♪
307
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:42,832
♪ Baby got back! ♪
308
00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:46,270
[cheering]
309
00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:51,362
Come on, Larry, let's
show 'em how we do it.
310
00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:53,103
There you go!
311
00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,366
Menstrual cramps
can't stop my lady!
312
00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,499
It's Larry-oke time!
313
00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:04,245
♪ Ow! I feel good ♪
314
00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:07,204
♪ I knew that I would now ♪
315
00:12:07,291 --> 00:12:10,555
So, did you talk
to Larry yet?
316
00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:12,427
Uh, well, you know,
I was, I was running
317
00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:13,907
this whole thing by
Lyndsey, and, um...
318
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,345
Whoa, wait. Why would you
run it by Lyndsey?
319
00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:18,738
You know, she is the
one getting married,
320
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:20,522
and I didn't want
to spring it on her
321
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,002
because Lyndsey is not the
girl you want to get angry
322
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:23,307
unless you're about
to have sex with her,
323
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,787
'cause then she
turns into a freak,
324
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,484
and I don't know
why I'm saying this.
325
00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:27,964
I know why.
326
00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,531
Because you still have
feelings for her.
327
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,054
[scoffs] That's crazy.
I just, I think
328
00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:31,968
it's the right thing to do,
that's all.
329
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,928
Oh, my God.
330
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:37,060
That is why you invented
Jeff Strongman
331
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:40,063
in the first place,
was to win Lyndsey back.
332
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:43,153
Feelings like that
don't just disappear.
333
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,676
Sure, they do.
There's a lot of things
334
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,156
I used to love that
I don't love anymore:
335
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,897
uh, roller coasters,
dairy, my mother.
336
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:50,639
This isn't funny, Alan.
337
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:51,553
Well, I-I was just saying...
338
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,294
No, listen to me.
339
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:56,645
Look, if you want to run
everything by your ex-girlfriend
340
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:58,734
and not tell Larry the truth,
then so be it.
341
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:01,171
But I don't want anything
to do with it. Or you.Wait, Gretchen...
342
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,957
Gretchen. Gretchen, wait!
343
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:04,914
♪ I feel good ♪
344
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,266
♪ I knew that I would now ♪
345
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,442
Come on, Jeff,
you know the words.
346
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:14,576
♪ So good, so good ♪
347
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:15,359
♪ I'm gonna die alone ♪
348
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:17,666
♪ Ow! ♪
349
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,495
♪ Men.♪
350
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:22,671
Aren't you glad
I made you do this?
351
00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:25,761
Yeah.
Having déjà vu.
352
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,677
My dad used to let me sit
on his lap and steer.
353
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,635
Yeah, my dad
wasn't around much.
354
00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:33,334
I had to teach myself all those
things that dads teach you:
355
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,423
how to ride a bike,
how to shave,
356
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:38,208
how to change a tire,
how to masturbate.
357
00:13:38,295 --> 00:13:39,949
What?
358
00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,778
No, dads don't teach you
how to masturbate.
359
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:46,521
I'm glad somebody told me
before I had kids.
360
00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:48,523
This thing is actually
really cool.
361
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,525
What made you sell it
in the first place?
362
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,570
I needed the seed money
to start my company,
363
00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:54,921
and it's the only thing
I had that was worth anything.
364
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:58,620
You know,
when you think about it,
365
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,100
this car is really responsible
for everything I have:
366
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:04,539
the beach house,
my jet and my fortune.
367
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,106
Alan.
368
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:09,326
Shh, she didn't mean it.
It's not true.
369
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:13,026
So that means your dad
is kind of responsible
370
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:14,810
for your success, too,
doesn't it?
371
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:17,682
I never really thought of it
like that.
372
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:20,120
I guess he is.
373
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:22,687
Thanks, Dad.
374
00:14:22,774 --> 00:14:25,255
Oh, that gave me the chills.
375
00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:26,648
Oh! No, wait.
376
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,780
There's a hole
in the floorboard.
377
00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:34,134
Anybody else want to
drive for a while?
378
00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:36,527
I don't know how to drive.
379
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,355
What?
380
00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:39,487
I grew up in Manhattan.
381
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:41,141
I've been in taxis and cop cars.
382
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:44,231
Ooh, this is my first time
in the front seat!
383
00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:49,149
Well, there's no time
like the present.
384
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,890
[all screaming]
385
00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:56,243
I'm gonna pull
in here.
386
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:59,811
I'm pretty sure
they sell underwear
at Cracker Barrel.
387
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:04,207
♪ Men.♪
388
00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:06,557
Berta?
389
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,472
Hey, Zippy.
390
00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:09,952
It's 10:00.
391
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,258
What are you still doing here?
392
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:12,520
It's 11 years later.
393
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:14,217
What are you
still doing here?
394
00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:17,699
Where's your girlfriend?
395
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:20,963
Gone. I think I lost her.
396
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,747
You mean "lost"
like you broke up
397
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:26,490
or "lost" like the time Charlie
took Jake to Disneyland?
398
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:29,493
Broke up.
Wait-- Charlie lost Jake?
399
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,191
Actually, Jake lost Charlie.
400
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,758
Security found him.
401
00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,717
He was doing white snow
with Snow White.
402
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,763
So, um,
403
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:41,766
what did you do to drive
this girlfriend away?
404
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:43,594
She thinks I'm still
in love with Lyndsey,
405
00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:46,206
which I'm not,
but she doesn't believe me.
406
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:47,859
Well, make her believe you.
407
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,426
You can make anybody believe
anything.
408
00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:52,777
You made the IRS believe
you had seven dependents.
409
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,779
That's true.
410
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:57,913
I went to chiropractic college
on an NAACP scholarship.
411
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:01,830
Exactly.
412
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:03,223
And you made those people
at the movie theater
413
00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:05,834
believe that you were under 14.
414
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:09,533
And over 65.
415
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:11,013
Once on the same day.
416
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,667
[laughs]
417
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:14,712
The, uh, the secret is
that both of those groups wear
418
00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:17,498
little baseball caps.
[laughs]
419
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:19,152
I was saving this
for your funeral,
420
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:22,111
but, Zippy, you're a charmer.
421
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:23,983
Thanks, Berta.
422
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,549
No. Thank you.
423
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,334
Now I don't have
to go to your funeral.
424
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:32,469
♪ Men.♪
425
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,297
Wow,
426
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:38,084
this Utah sky is amazing.
427
00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,216
We're indoors.
428
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:44,264
Wow, this Colorado weed
is amazing.
429
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:51,184
Guess who just joined
the 6,106-foot club.
430
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:55,405
It doesn't count
when you do it alone!
431
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,016
Whatever.
432
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,234
I don't like it here.
433
00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,454
There's no Wi-Fi
or cell service.
434
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,499
It's like one of those movies
where you find out
435
00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:03,848
the little town's full
of zombies.
436
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:05,850
Or werewolves.
437
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:07,243
Or zombie werewolves.
438
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:08,810
How would that happen?
439
00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:10,420
Hello. Do the math.
440
00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:11,987
Zombie bites a werewolf,
441
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:13,510
werewolf dies, comes back
as a werewolf zombie.
442
00:17:13,597 --> 00:17:15,643
That's a badass,
unkillable creature.
443
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,253
He's right. Chain the door.
444
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,342
Wait a second. You think
chaining the door
445
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,823
is gonna stop
a zombie werewolf?
446
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,347
I'll tell you what,
I'm not gonna be the guy
447
00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:26,045
who gets killed by
a zombie werewolf
448
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,263
'cause I didn't chain the door.
449
00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:32,181
[laughs]
Hey...
450
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,922
thanks for coming with me, guys.
451
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:35,271
And I'm not just saying that
452
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,143
'cause I can use you
as human shields
453
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,101
when the zombie werewolf
breaks in the door.
454
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:41,625
Yeah, I'm really
glad we came, too.
455
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:43,714
And about almost
killing you guys
456
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:46,630
in the car earlier--
that's my bad.
457
00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:48,110
Yeah, well, I am glad
458
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:51,461
that Cracker Barrel
had underwear.
459
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,376
And these "I Heart Denver"
sweatpants.
460
00:17:55,465 --> 00:17:57,772
You know, this is still better
than that family trip
461
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,165
I took to Utah
as a kid.
462
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,080
My dad was trying
to convince my mom
463
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,559
to add another wife
to the family.
464
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:04,126
Started the trip
with one wife,
465
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:06,302
tried to get two,
came home with zero.
466
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:10,654
Hotel had
a great pool, though.
467
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,613
At least you knew
your dad.
468
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,571
I barely knew Charlie.
469
00:18:14,658 --> 00:18:17,879
I got one letter from him
my entire childhood.
470
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:21,100
It said, "Are your
friends 18 yet?"
471
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:23,232
Yeah, hearing you guys talk
about your dads,
472
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:25,843
and thinking about mine,
473
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,410
makes me question even wanting
to have kids.
474
00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,412
You already have kids.
475
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,631
[Walden laughs]
476
00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:32,328
Papa.
477
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:35,462
Come on. I'm not your dad.
478
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:39,161
You've been a better dad
to me than anybody ever has.
479
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,684
You-you-you took me in,
480
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:45,080
you inspired me to be
a better person.
481
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,300
You pushed me to be
a dead junkie.
482
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:51,347
I really want that for you, too.
483
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,262
She's right, man.
You're a role model.
484
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:54,742
I mean, you believe that
485
00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:56,483
I can make something
out of myself
486
00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:58,224
and you stopped me
from going to prison
487
00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:00,226
for teaching my son
how to masturbate.
488
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:04,099
That's right.
You want to be a hands-on dad,
489
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,274
but not too hands-on.
490
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:09,496
Hey, bring it in, kiddos.
491
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:12,760
Oh!
Aw...
492
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:15,110
[laughs]
493
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:16,546
Oh, Dad?Hmm?
494
00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:19,506
Barry's got his hand
on my butt again.
495
00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:22,161
It's not my hand.
Okay.
496
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:23,553
All right.
497
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,077
♪ Men.♪
498
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,167
[doorbell rings]
499
00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,344
Hey, Gretchie.
500
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:33,346
I don't want to talk
to you right now.
501
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,478
Gretchen's still mad at you,
but I'm on your side, Jeff.
502
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:38,568
Bros before hoes.
503
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:40,353
Oh, uh, oh, good, you're,
uh, you're all here.
504
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:44,095
Because I have something
to say...
505
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,314
to everyone.
506
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,011
Are you sure, Jeff?
507
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,536
Some things
are better left unsaid.
508
00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:52,756
I love you so much,
509
00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:55,194
I-I can't imagine
my life without you.
510
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:56,282
Just stop.
511
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:57,457
Maybe this will help.
512
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:59,937
Okay, I appreciate the gesture,
513
00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:02,984
but looking for change together
isn't gonna work this time.
514
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:06,379
The only change I want is
for us to be husband and wife.
515
00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:09,251
ALL:
What?!
516
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,993
Gretchen Martin,
will you do me the honor
517
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:17,390
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
518
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:20,393
Oh, my God!
My sister and my best...
519
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,526
Wait a minute.
Who the hell is Alan Harper?
520
00:20:23,613 --> 00:20:26,181
Larry, look, boobs!
521
00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:27,748
♪ Men.♪
522
00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,536
♪ Men.♪
523
00:20:33,623 --> 00:20:34,929
Oh, look at you.
You're doing great.
524
00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:36,322
You haven't hit
a guardrail in miles.
525
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,324
Once you get
the hang of it,
526
00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:39,934
this driving thing
isn't so tough.
527
00:20:40,021 --> 00:20:42,937
How about after I restore it,
I give it to you?
528
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,765
What? You love this car.
529
00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,593
I've gotten what
I need out of it,
530
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,856
and I'd rather have it
stay in the family.
531
00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:50,640
Who better to have it
than my my...
532
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:52,076
sort-of-daughter.
533
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:54,731
Aw! You're the best
sort-of-dad ever!
534
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:56,167
Whoa! Hands on the wheel!
535
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,735
Hands on the wheel![tires squealing]
536
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,302
Whoa!Why are you
yelling at me?
537
00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:01,695
You should be
yelling at them
538
00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,044
for driving on
the wrong side...
539
00:21:03,131 --> 00:21:05,002
[all scream]
540
00:21:05,089 --> 00:21:06,047
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
541
00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:06,743
and TOYOTA.
38719
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