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1
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- hot in cleveland is recorded
2
00:00:02,372 --> 00:00:04,585
In front
Of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:04,607 --> 00:00:06,852
Happy shared fake birthday,
Everyone.
4
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:08,160
Both: happy birthday.
5
00:00:08,183 --> 00:00:09,117
- so what
Are we getting each other
6
00:00:09,141 --> 00:00:10,523
For our fake birthday this year?
7
00:00:10,546 --> 00:00:12,279
- we're getting each other
Dates,
8
00:00:12,302 --> 00:00:13,493
Just like we did last year.
9
00:00:13,516 --> 00:00:15,281
- but last year was a disaster.
10
00:00:15,305 --> 00:00:18,090
- I still haven't recovered
From my fix-up with chester.
11
00:00:18,114 --> 00:00:20,219
You know, with the man boobs.
12
00:00:21,530 --> 00:00:23,296
- I hear he's married now
13
00:00:23,319 --> 00:00:24,860
And has a baby.
14
00:00:24,883 --> 00:00:27,254
- hmm.
I wonder who's feeding it.
15
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,978
- we're getting each other
Dates.
16
00:00:29,001 --> 00:00:31,692
And here's who I want.
17
00:00:31,715 --> 00:00:32,874
- jack huntington?
18
00:00:32,898 --> 00:00:34,087
Wow, he's handsome.
19
00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:35,620
- and rich.
20
00:00:35,643 --> 00:00:38,270
I'm steering my boat
In a whole new direction...
21
00:00:38,292 --> 00:00:40,984
Hot and loaded.
22
00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:43,187
- so it's really over
With max?
23
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,613
- he hooked up
With a younger woman.
24
00:00:45,636 --> 00:00:48,635
Some 80-year-old bimbo.
25
00:00:50,012 --> 00:00:51,967
- apparently,
She fawns all over him.
26
00:00:51,990 --> 00:00:53,404
- why are men such suckers
27
00:00:53,427 --> 00:00:54,681
For women who are dumb
And adoring?
28
00:00:54,704 --> 00:00:56,693
- I don't know,
But that's exactly
29
00:00:56,716 --> 00:00:57,810
How I'm gonna be
To get jack.
30
00:00:57,833 --> 00:01:00,450
So hook me up,
Bony-maroni.
31
00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:05,218
- you know what, I want
To go another way too.
32
00:01:05,241 --> 00:01:08,731
Can you find me somebody
Laid-back?
33
00:01:08,754 --> 00:01:11,413
Maybe with a beard,
Long hair.
34
00:01:11,436 --> 00:01:12,626
I've never had that before.
35
00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:14,190
- I know just the fella.
36
00:01:14,213 --> 00:01:16,937
- well, if we're picking
What kind of men we want,
37
00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:19,299
I've always had a thing
For robert de niro.
38
00:01:19,322 --> 00:01:22,300
- I hear he only digs
Black chicks.
39
00:01:22,323 --> 00:01:26,004
- well, then, find me a man
Who's like de niro
40
00:01:26,027 --> 00:01:28,271
But fancies
Pasty white women.
41
00:01:28,294 --> 00:01:31,432
Oh, mix in a bit of pacino,
42
00:01:31,455 --> 00:01:33,827
Add a hint of seinfeld
For laughs.
43
00:01:33,849 --> 00:01:37,584
Ooh, and a dash of sean connery
Circa 1968.
44
00:01:38,958 --> 00:01:41,031
- done.
45
00:01:42,118 --> 00:01:43,310
- really?
I mean, how on earth...
46
00:01:43,333 --> 00:01:44,268
- buh-buh-buh.
47
00:01:44,291 --> 00:01:46,055
Done.
48
00:01:46,078 --> 00:01:48,642
And as for me, melanie,
My requirements are simple.
49
00:01:48,665 --> 00:01:50,749
No man boobs.
50
00:01:50,772 --> 00:01:53,974
Nothing abnormally large
Or small.
51
00:01:53,997 --> 00:01:55,219
No third anything.
52
00:01:55,242 --> 00:01:58,732
Just your run-of-the-mill,
Rich, handsome man.
53
00:01:58,754 --> 00:02:00,487
- so how old
Are we turning this year?
54
00:02:00,510 --> 00:02:02,116
- how about 42?
55
00:02:02,139 --> 00:02:04,224
- that sounds good to me.
56
00:02:04,246 --> 00:02:06,618
- oh, I can't pass for 42.
57
00:02:06,642 --> 00:02:10,343
Put me down for 50.
58
00:02:11,686 --> 00:02:15,196
- elka, what have we said
About using the "F" word?
59
00:02:25,382 --> 00:02:27,819
- to review,
If any one of us needs help,
60
00:02:27,842 --> 00:02:29,543
We use our fake laugh.
61
00:02:29,565 --> 00:02:31,107
- but I'm in bimbo mode.
62
00:02:31,130 --> 00:02:33,661
I'll be fake-laughing all night.
63
00:02:33,684 --> 00:02:35,801
Oh, jack.
64
00:02:35,824 --> 00:02:38,354
You're so handsome and smart.
65
00:02:38,377 --> 00:02:41,803
I got this.
66
00:02:41,827 --> 00:02:44,102
- his assistant said
He was running a little late.
67
00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:45,252
He's flying in
From cincinnati.
68
00:02:45,275 --> 00:02:47,232
Private plane.
69
00:02:47,255 --> 00:02:49,913
- I didn't know
He was that rich.
70
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:53,011
Maybe I better go dumber.
71
00:02:53,034 --> 00:02:55,085
- oh, joy, there's your date.
72
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:56,907
- that's him?
73
00:02:56,929 --> 00:03:00,546
The guy in the brown shirt,
Brown pants, and brown shoes?
74
00:03:00,568 --> 00:03:02,462
Please tell me
He's not as dull as he looks.
75
00:03:02,484 --> 00:03:03,835
- oh, kenny, this is joy.
76
00:03:03,858 --> 00:03:04,952
- hi, kenny.
77
00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:06,964
- hi, nice to meet you.
78
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,879
Funny thing, I don't usually
Go out on a tuesday night.
79
00:03:08,903 --> 00:03:10,093
Usually thursdays.
80
00:03:10,116 --> 00:03:12,360
Although today feels
Something like a wednesday.
81
00:03:12,383 --> 00:03:15,744
Probably because monday
Was a holiday.
82
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:17,276
I'm sorry.
I'm being rude.
83
00:03:17,299 --> 00:03:19,640
What day does it feel like
To you?
84
00:03:19,663 --> 00:03:22,705
- longest day of my life.
85
00:03:22,728 --> 00:03:24,334
Why don't you find us a table,
86
00:03:24,356 --> 00:03:27,430
And I'll be right there.
- sure.
87
00:03:27,453 --> 00:03:30,017
- you waited until the last
Minute again, didn't you?
88
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,805
- waited till the last minute,
Yes,
89
00:03:31,827 --> 00:03:33,400
And found the wrong guy,
No.
90
00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:34,871
Now why don't you go over there
91
00:03:34,893 --> 00:03:36,807
And find out what brown
Can do for you.
92
00:03:37,735 --> 00:03:39,946
- oh, victoria, there's your
Date at the end of the bar.
93
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:40,937
His name is timothy.
94
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,182
He's a benefactor
95
00:03:42,205 --> 00:03:43,140
At the museum of modern art.
96
00:03:43,163 --> 00:03:45,916
And, check it,
No man cleavage.
97
00:03:45,940 --> 00:03:47,036
- sold.
98
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:50,068
- oh, here comes your date.
99
00:03:50,091 --> 00:03:53,165
Dr. Doug.
100
00:03:53,188 --> 00:03:56,039
- jesus.
101
00:03:56,062 --> 00:03:57,413
- cute, huh?
102
00:03:57,435 --> 00:04:00,178
- no.
He looks like jesus.
103
00:04:01,713 --> 00:04:03,957
Elka, I can't date jesus.
That's a sin.
104
00:04:03,980 --> 00:04:05,618
And if it isn't,
It should be.
105
00:04:05,641 --> 00:04:07,725
- relax.
If you don't like him,
106
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,352
It'll be your last supper.
107
00:04:10,430 --> 00:04:12,739
- hey, elka.
108
00:04:12,761 --> 00:04:14,781
Oh, you must be melanie.
109
00:04:14,804 --> 00:04:16,666
I'm doug.
- hi.
110
00:04:16,688 --> 00:04:18,932
- he's a holistic veterinarian.
111
00:04:18,955 --> 00:04:20,880
Animals come to him crippled
And sick,
112
00:04:20,903 --> 00:04:22,477
And he heals 'em all.
113
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:27,107
- wow, you sound
Like a miracle worker.
114
00:04:27,129 --> 00:04:29,660
- well, I guess
I just have the touch.
115
00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:33,108
Uh, shall we find a table?
116
00:04:33,131 --> 00:04:34,641
Oh, that one over there
Looks free.
117
00:04:34,664 --> 00:04:36,174
- sure. Great.
I'll be right there.
118
00:04:36,197 --> 00:04:38,983
Thanks.
- oh. Okay.
119
00:04:39,007 --> 00:04:40,963
- probably doesn't look anything
Like jesus, right?
120
00:04:40,986 --> 00:04:42,824
I'm just freaking out
Over nothing.
121
00:04:47,372 --> 00:04:50,339
Oh, dear lord.
122
00:04:53,886 --> 00:04:55,778
- hi, I'm roy.
123
00:04:55,801 --> 00:04:56,960
You ready to order?
124
00:04:56,984 --> 00:04:58,811
- not just yet.
I'm waiting for my date.
125
00:04:58,835 --> 00:05:02,324
- oh, good,
'cause my feet are killing me.
126
00:05:03,752 --> 00:05:05,422
First night on the job.
127
00:05:05,444 --> 00:05:07,080
I don't really need the money,
128
00:05:07,103 --> 00:05:10,146
But I just wanted to get out
Of the house, try something new.
129
00:05:10,169 --> 00:05:11,329
So what's your story?
130
00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:13,818
- I'm turning fake 50 today.
131
00:05:13,841 --> 00:05:15,701
- whoa-ho!
132
00:05:15,724 --> 00:05:18,533
Well, you don't look a day
Over fake 45.
133
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:23,162
So who'd keep a gorgeous
Creature like you waiting?
134
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,250
- a gorgeous creature
Like him.
135
00:05:28,273 --> 00:05:29,304
- oh.
136
00:05:29,327 --> 00:05:30,580
That's what you go for.
137
00:05:30,603 --> 00:05:32,837
Pretty boys.
138
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,115
- elka?
- jack?
139
00:05:39,097 --> 00:05:41,022
- sorry I'm late,
Darling,
140
00:05:41,044 --> 00:05:42,618
But there was a lot of traffic.
141
00:05:42,641 --> 00:05:45,906
- on the road
Or in the sky?
142
00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:47,982
- actually, both.
143
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:55,485
Oh, jack,
You are so smart and handsome.
144
00:05:55,508 --> 00:05:58,487
- and you are
So delightful.
145
00:05:58,510 --> 00:06:01,744
We'll have a bottle
Of dom perignon
146
00:06:01,766 --> 00:06:04,266
And some zucchini sticks.
147
00:06:04,289 --> 00:06:08,214
- oh, you speak
Both french and italian.
148
00:06:11,953 --> 00:06:13,686
- and I'm the only one
That realized
149
00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:15,378
They hung the rothko
Upside-down.
150
00:06:16,582 --> 00:06:19,943
Excuse me, would you mind
Scooching down a stool?
151
00:06:19,966 --> 00:06:21,572
My date and I would like
To sit together.
152
00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:23,126
- no problem.
153
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:33,802
- I'm sorry,
I forgot to introduce you.
154
00:06:33,824 --> 00:06:36,951
Victoria,
This is my brother, richard.
155
00:06:39,763 --> 00:06:42,358
- an upside-down rothko.
156
00:06:51,449 --> 00:06:54,906
- siamese twins?
157
00:06:54,929 --> 00:06:56,311
- no way.
Are you sure?
158
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:57,716
- oh, I'm sure.
159
00:06:57,739 --> 00:07:01,100
My siamese twins-dar
Has never let me down.
160
00:07:01,123 --> 00:07:03,654
- victoria, I had no idea.
161
00:07:03,677 --> 00:07:05,794
I met timothy at a benefit
At the art museum,
162
00:07:05,817 --> 00:07:06,847
And it was super crowded.
163
00:07:06,871 --> 00:07:08,443
We were packed in like sardines.
164
00:07:08,466 --> 00:07:11,126
I mean, it could have been
A convention of siamese twins
165
00:07:11,148 --> 00:07:13,712
For all I knew.
166
00:07:13,735 --> 00:07:15,660
- at least you got a shot
At one of your dates
167
00:07:15,682 --> 00:07:16,713
Being interesting.
168
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:19,098
- maybe my date
Could part them.
169
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,706
- he's jesus,
Not moses.
170
00:07:23,729 --> 00:07:26,612
- all right, melanie, I don't
Care how crowded it was.
171
00:07:26,635 --> 00:07:28,272
How could you
Not have noticed this?
172
00:07:28,295 --> 00:07:31,838
- I was a little busy looking
For men without breasts.
173
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,988
It's harder than you think
In cleveland.
174
00:07:38,097 --> 00:07:40,341
- oh, well, I guess
I better get up.
175
00:07:40,364 --> 00:07:43,119
This guy's a riot.
- this guy?
176
00:07:43,142 --> 00:07:45,737
- I told him someone just took
The last order of salmon.
177
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:46,760
Listen to this.
178
00:07:46,782 --> 00:07:48,483
You're out of order,
179
00:07:48,505 --> 00:07:50,143
I'm out of order.
180
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:52,985
This whole restaurant's
Out of order.
181
00:07:53,008 --> 00:07:56,817
- al pacino.
That's fantastic.
182
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,030
Do you mean it, moneypenny?
183
00:07:58,053 --> 00:08:00,170
Or are you just blowing smoke
Up my kilt?
184
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:05,246
- now he's james bond.
This guy.
185
00:08:05,269 --> 00:08:07,034
- my god, you're amazing.
186
00:08:07,056 --> 00:08:08,471
How long have you
Been doing impressions?
187
00:08:08,494 --> 00:08:11,440
- well, I started
When I was 10 or 11.
188
00:08:11,463 --> 00:08:13,579
No, no, no, I was 10.
See, this is easy,
189
00:08:13,602 --> 00:08:14,536
Because I was in fifth grade,
190
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,751
And when you're in kindergarten,
191
00:08:15,774 --> 00:08:16,709
You're five.
192
00:08:16,732 --> 00:08:17,667
And then you add five.
193
00:08:17,689 --> 00:08:19,295
Yeah, that's 10.
194
00:08:19,318 --> 00:08:20,284
And that's when I started
195
00:08:20,307 --> 00:08:21,817
Doing impressions
196
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,115
And monster model making.
197
00:08:24,138 --> 00:08:26,606
My best one's frankenstein.
198
00:08:26,628 --> 00:08:28,426
- hey, kenny,
199
00:08:28,449 --> 00:08:33,183
What if robert de niro liked
To build models of frankenstein?
200
00:08:33,206 --> 00:08:35,994
Look at me, huh?
201
00:08:36,017 --> 00:08:38,068
I am the frankenstein monster,
Huh?
202
00:08:38,091 --> 00:08:39,441
I have bolts
In my little neck.
203
00:08:39,464 --> 00:08:40,974
I am electric and scary.
Whoa.
204
00:08:42,849 --> 00:08:44,519
Wait, wait, wait.
205
00:08:44,542 --> 00:08:46,913
What if de niro, pacino,
And sean connery
206
00:08:46,936 --> 00:08:48,701
Were all fighting over
Who got to marry me?
207
00:08:48,725 --> 00:08:50,586
Let's do this the chicago way.
208
00:08:50,608 --> 00:08:52,151
No, we're gonna do it my way.
209
00:08:52,173 --> 00:08:54,225
You're gonna marry me, joy.
Hoo-ah!
210
00:08:54,247 --> 00:08:56,141
Hey, are you gonna marry me?
211
00:08:56,163 --> 00:08:57,450
'cause I'm the only one here,
212
00:08:57,472 --> 00:09:00,153
So you must be marrying me.
213
00:09:02,741 --> 00:09:05,752
- I was born in a small town
In pennsylvania.
214
00:09:05,775 --> 00:09:07,412
You've probably never heard
Of it.
215
00:09:07,435 --> 00:09:10,669
- bethlehem?
216
00:09:10,692 --> 00:09:12,010
- latrobe.
217
00:09:12,033 --> 00:09:15,842
Can I refill your wine?
- yes, please.
218
00:09:15,864 --> 00:09:17,309
- oh, it seems
We're out of wine.
219
00:09:17,332 --> 00:09:20,311
- there's plenty more
Where that came from.
220
00:09:20,334 --> 00:09:23,121
- of course there is.
221
00:09:23,144 --> 00:09:25,932
- it is so exciting
For a girl like I
222
00:09:25,954 --> 00:09:29,283
To be out with someone
In the tire business.
223
00:09:29,306 --> 00:09:31,103
- well, it's exciting for me
To be out
224
00:09:31,126 --> 00:09:33,849
With someone who gets
How exciting it is.
225
00:09:33,872 --> 00:09:35,957
- it's exciting
For a waiter like I
226
00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:38,883
To be delivering
Your bread.
227
00:09:41,376 --> 00:09:43,619
- ooh, what a big watch.
228
00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:47,451
You must have
Very strong wrists.
229
00:09:47,474 --> 00:09:50,164
- you know, actually, there's
A story that goes with this.
230
00:09:50,187 --> 00:09:52,399
This is...
It's a rolex president.
231
00:09:52,422 --> 00:09:53,869
It was a gift
From jack kennedy.
232
00:09:53,891 --> 00:09:57,573
Yeah, there was a time
We were known as the two jacks
233
00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,584
At certain watering holes
On the cape.
234
00:09:59,607 --> 00:10:02,298
- I bet all the girls
Liked you best.
235
00:10:02,321 --> 00:10:05,683
- well, he did have
The bad back, though.
236
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:09,482
- I know.
237
00:10:09,505 --> 00:10:11,621
- so melanie
Really never mentioned
238
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,314
That richard and I
Are conjoined?
239
00:10:13,337 --> 00:10:18,422
- you know, she probably did,
And I just forgot.
240
00:10:18,445 --> 00:10:21,647
- well, I watch your show,
Oh, hi! Ohio! All the time.
241
00:10:21,669 --> 00:10:24,488
I love the way you always say
Exactly what you're thinking.
242
00:10:24,511 --> 00:10:27,521
- oh, not always.
243
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:31,354
- you know, richard and I have
A pretty compelling story.
244
00:10:31,377 --> 00:10:34,482
- oh, really,
What is it?
245
00:10:34,505 --> 00:10:36,940
Oh, yes, of course.
246
00:10:36,964 --> 00:10:38,665
- I've been divorced twice,
247
00:10:38,688 --> 00:10:40,644
No kids.
248
00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:44,061
Shooting blanks.
It's a sperm thing.
249
00:10:44,084 --> 00:10:46,328
- that's too bad.
250
00:10:46,351 --> 00:10:48,275
But you know what I wonder...
251
00:10:48,298 --> 00:10:52,523
How jerry seinfeld might feel
About having a low sperm count.
252
00:10:52,546 --> 00:10:54,215
What I want to know is this,
253
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:56,033
Who's actually counting
The sperm?
254
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:57,344
This is not a good job.
255
00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,132
Your mother can't brag
To her friends about it.
256
00:10:59,155 --> 00:11:00,855
"Fellas, have you met my son?
257
00:11:00,878 --> 00:11:01,941
"He counts sperm.
258
00:11:01,963 --> 00:11:03,282
We're very proud."
259
00:11:05,061 --> 00:11:06,443
Now do robin williams
Without sperm.
260
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,200
Oh, my goodness.
261
00:11:08,223 --> 00:11:09,827
You're not gonna believe...
Oh, they're gone.
262
00:11:09,851 --> 00:11:11,488
Help me.
Okay.
263
00:11:15,087 --> 00:11:17,490
- look, I couldn't help
Overhearing you two
264
00:11:17,514 --> 00:11:21,035
As I was taking a break
With this nice couple
265
00:11:21,058 --> 00:11:22,280
Who obviously belong together,
266
00:11:22,303 --> 00:11:25,909
As opposed to you two,
Who I would call a bad fit.
267
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:28,282
- aren't you our waiter?
268
00:11:28,306 --> 00:11:30,231
- I was also
A guidance counselor
269
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:31,859
For many years.
270
00:11:31,882 --> 00:11:34,925
Son, she's only after you
For your impressions.
271
00:11:34,948 --> 00:11:36,264
- how dare you.
272
00:11:36,287 --> 00:11:39,043
Tell him off.
As william shatner.
273
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:41,437
- as I used to tell my students,
274
00:11:41,460 --> 00:11:43,864
You got to apply to the school
That's gonna let you in.
275
00:11:43,887 --> 00:11:45,269
- but she's so pretty.
276
00:11:45,292 --> 00:11:46,547
- oh, she's a doll.
277
00:11:46,569 --> 00:11:48,909
But the girl at the bar
Isn't bad either,
278
00:11:48,932 --> 00:11:53,687
And she appears to have
A very loose admissions policy.
279
00:11:54,966 --> 00:11:57,242
- wait, you can't take
My date away from me.
280
00:11:57,265 --> 00:11:58,808
- can you honestly say
You're interested in him?
281
00:11:58,831 --> 00:12:02,703
- yes, I find him charming
And attractive.
282
00:12:02,726 --> 00:12:07,076
- when he's him?
- no.
283
00:12:07,099 --> 00:12:08,417
Oh, fine, go.
284
00:12:08,441 --> 00:12:12,760
- come on.
I'll introduce you to her.
285
00:12:12,783 --> 00:12:17,038
Why must love be so complicated?
286
00:12:17,061 --> 00:12:19,242
Why must our planet be filled
With beautiful women
287
00:12:19,265 --> 00:12:23,095
Who exist simply to...
Break our hearts?
288
00:12:24,757 --> 00:12:28,980
- wait!
Wait, now I want you back!
289
00:12:29,003 --> 00:12:31,727
Well, now I don't even have
A date.
290
00:12:31,749 --> 00:12:33,962
The waiter fixed him up
With someone else.
291
00:12:33,985 --> 00:12:35,845
- I wish he'd break up my date
With jesus.
292
00:12:35,868 --> 00:12:37,218
I'd break up with him myself,
293
00:12:37,241 --> 00:12:39,155
But he'd just show up
Three days later.
294
00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:44,211
- do we really want to play
Who has the worst date?
295
00:12:44,234 --> 00:12:47,978
Because I am on a date
With conjoined twins.
296
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:51,607
- I'll bet man boobs are looking
Pretty good to you right now.
297
00:12:53,780 --> 00:12:55,960
- look, if I can suck it up
With jesus...
298
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:58,834
Oh, god,
That just sounds so wrong...
299
00:12:58,857 --> 00:13:00,622
Can't you just stick it out
With timothy?
300
00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:02,952
- I am on a date
With conjoined twins.
301
00:13:02,976 --> 00:13:04,390
- but he's a really nice guy.
302
00:13:04,412 --> 00:13:06,848
- I am on a date
With conjoined twins.
303
00:13:06,871 --> 00:13:08,508
- I know.
304
00:13:08,531 --> 00:13:10,648
But still they're human beings.
305
00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:12,435
- are they human beings
306
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,649
Or human being?
307
00:13:13,672 --> 00:13:16,064
'cause I really don't know.
308
00:13:17,759 --> 00:13:19,619
- my date's going great.
309
00:13:19,642 --> 00:13:21,748
He thinks I'm an idiot.
310
00:13:23,314 --> 00:13:24,600
- I'm going home.
311
00:13:24,624 --> 00:13:26,134
- oh, no, no, wait,
Wait, wait, no.
312
00:13:26,157 --> 00:13:27,857
You're dateless,
And I have two dates.
313
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,773
Oh, please, please,
Come and sit with me.
314
00:13:29,796 --> 00:13:31,466
You can be the fourth wheel
315
00:13:31,488 --> 00:13:32,966
Or the third and a half wheel.
316
00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:35,414
I just...
I really don't know.
317
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,567
- since it looks like we're not
Going to be having dinner here,
318
00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:46,344
How about we take a drive
Up to my lake house?
319
00:13:46,366 --> 00:13:48,164
I'll have my private chef
Whip us up
320
00:13:48,186 --> 00:13:49,601
A little something special.
321
00:13:49,624 --> 00:13:54,231
- everything you say
Is so interesting.
322
00:13:54,254 --> 00:13:57,360
- oh, boy,
You guys must be starving.
323
00:13:57,383 --> 00:13:59,275
- never mind.
Just bring us the check, please.
324
00:13:59,299 --> 00:14:00,777
We're going back to my place.
325
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:05,470
- oh. Might want
To fix your hair first.
326
00:14:05,493 --> 00:14:06,588
- why, what's wrong?
327
00:14:06,611 --> 00:14:07,929
- let me put it this way.
328
00:14:07,952 --> 00:14:12,835
The 'do's getting
A little... Trumpy.
329
00:14:15,583 --> 00:14:17,539
- elka, if you'll excuse me,
330
00:14:17,562 --> 00:14:19,796
I have to take care of
Something.
331
00:14:20,979 --> 00:14:24,298
Nobody look.
Nobody look, please.
332
00:14:27,812 --> 00:14:29,801
- what are you doing?
333
00:14:29,823 --> 00:14:33,663
You know, I've seen girls
Like you playing dumb
334
00:14:33,686 --> 00:14:35,292
To get the boy,
And you know what happens?
335
00:14:35,315 --> 00:14:37,687
You end up pregnant,
336
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,944
And there's no graduation gown
In the world can cover it.
337
00:14:40,966 --> 00:14:44,328
- you know,
In some ways,
338
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,680
This isn't any
Of your business.
339
00:14:47,703 --> 00:14:51,033
- well, in some way,
It is.
340
00:14:51,055 --> 00:14:53,779
I see a sadness
Behind your eyes.
341
00:14:53,802 --> 00:14:55,822
And I know
Because I see the same thing
342
00:14:55,844 --> 00:14:57,057
When I look into a mirror.
343
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,836
I lost my wife recently.
344
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:04,571
That's why I'm out
Doing this thing.
345
00:15:04,594 --> 00:15:06,934
What did you lose?
346
00:15:06,957 --> 00:15:09,360
- I lost my max.
347
00:15:09,383 --> 00:15:10,382
- cancer?
348
00:15:10,405 --> 00:15:13,596
- worse.
Florida.
349
00:15:15,130 --> 00:15:18,812
You know, max and I met
Right at this exact spot
350
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,088
A year ago.
351
00:15:20,111 --> 00:15:21,461
- I know it hurts,
352
00:15:21,484 --> 00:15:22,642
But jumping to the next guy
353
00:15:22,665 --> 00:15:24,143
Isn't gonna make it
Any better.
354
00:15:24,166 --> 00:15:27,038
Sometimes you got
To sit with the pain.
355
00:15:29,211 --> 00:15:32,412
- so you can never fly
First class?
356
00:15:32,435 --> 00:15:36,819
- no, the arm rests
Only go up in coach.
357
00:15:36,842 --> 00:15:40,203
- oh, that is so sad.
358
00:15:40,227 --> 00:15:41,481
- I love england.
359
00:15:41,504 --> 00:15:44,343
I get to drive there.
360
00:15:46,197 --> 00:15:48,729
- oh, right.
361
00:15:48,752 --> 00:15:51,506
You're reading yeats.
- mm.
362
00:15:51,529 --> 00:15:53,071
"Now that my ladder is gone,
363
00:15:53,094 --> 00:15:55,721
I must lie down
Where all ladders start."
364
00:15:55,743 --> 00:15:58,532
- "In the foul
Rag-and-bone shop of the heart."
365
00:15:58,554 --> 00:15:59,968
- oh.
366
00:15:59,991 --> 00:16:03,342
- so on facebook,
One page or two?
367
00:16:05,451 --> 00:16:07,759
- I'm really enjoying
Being with you.
368
00:16:07,782 --> 00:16:11,015
- and also with you.
369
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:14,016
I mean, I'm enjoying you too.
370
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:17,338
- really? Because you seem
A little uncomfortable.
371
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:18,807
- she's completely freaked out
372
00:16:18,829 --> 00:16:21,701
Because she thinks
You look like jesus.
373
00:16:23,012 --> 00:16:25,703
- yeah.
Well, there is that.
374
00:16:25,726 --> 00:16:28,064
- I don't know
What that bumbling waiter
375
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,799
Was talking about.
My hair is perfect.
376
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,090
Well, like they say
In the rubber business,
377
00:16:35,112 --> 00:16:36,974
Let's bounce.
378
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:38,922
- I don't think so.
379
00:16:38,944 --> 00:16:39,911
- why not?
380
00:16:39,934 --> 00:16:41,507
I thought we were having
A great time.
381
00:16:41,531 --> 00:16:45,179
Besides, I have never enjoyed
Chatting with a woman more.
382
00:16:45,202 --> 00:16:46,488
- tell you what,
383
00:16:46,511 --> 00:16:47,894
I'll go with you
384
00:16:47,916 --> 00:16:49,777
If you can tell me one thing
385
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,981
You learned about me tonight.
386
00:16:52,003 --> 00:16:54,119
- well, uh...
387
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:57,398
When... When, uh...
388
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,335
- exactly.
389
00:17:01,359 --> 00:17:04,178
I'm sorry
If I led you on.
390
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,774
- me too.
391
00:17:05,797 --> 00:17:07,689
- good night, jack.
392
00:17:07,713 --> 00:17:11,170
- good night, elka.
393
00:17:11,193 --> 00:17:13,904
It wasn't the hair,
Was it?
394
00:17:16,141 --> 00:17:20,737
'cause if it was,
It would... It would haunt me.
395
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:28,474
- why do men
Like dumb women?
396
00:17:28,498 --> 00:17:31,605
- well, not all men.
I like smart women.
397
00:17:31,627 --> 00:17:35,020
- maybe you and I...
398
00:17:35,043 --> 00:17:38,427
- oh, well,
Now you're talking.
399
00:17:39,993 --> 00:17:42,588
Let me just add
A couple of zeros to my tip
400
00:17:42,611 --> 00:17:45,003
And dinner's on me.
401
00:17:48,550 --> 00:17:50,027
- well, when it comes
To french movies,
402
00:17:50,051 --> 00:17:53,699
I go for the pretentiousness
But I stay for the sex.
403
00:17:53,722 --> 00:17:55,615
- hey, there's a truffaut
Double feature at the art house
404
00:17:55,637 --> 00:17:58,074
Around the corner.
Maybe we should go sometime.
405
00:17:58,097 --> 00:18:00,618
- why don't the two of us
Sneak out now?
406
00:18:02,886 --> 00:18:05,353
Oh.
407
00:18:05,377 --> 00:18:07,237
Have you ever thought
About separating?
408
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:08,738
- we looked into it.
409
00:18:08,761 --> 00:18:10,558
But it's just too risky
Medically.
410
00:18:10,581 --> 00:18:12,825
- is this a deal breaker
For you?
411
00:18:12,848 --> 00:18:14,996
- to be honest,
I'm not sure.
412
00:18:15,019 --> 00:18:16,145
- hey, sorry to interrupt.
413
00:18:16,169 --> 00:18:17,167
But our dates are over,
414
00:18:17,190 --> 00:18:18,380
So we were
Just gonna head on home.
415
00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:19,850
- you know what,
It's getting late,
416
00:18:19,872 --> 00:18:22,404
So maybe we should say
Good night as well.
417
00:18:22,427 --> 00:18:24,639
- no.
You go ahead.
418
00:18:24,662 --> 00:18:25,597
I'm staying.
419
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:27,832
- really?
420
00:18:27,854 --> 00:18:29,524
- yes.
421
00:18:29,547 --> 00:18:31,598
I'm so quick
To reject any man
422
00:18:31,622 --> 00:18:33,260
Who doesn't fall
Into some narrow view
423
00:18:33,283 --> 00:18:35,048
Of what I think
Is the right guy.
424
00:18:35,071 --> 00:18:36,709
But not this time.
425
00:18:36,732 --> 00:18:39,774
I see goodness and honesty
When I look into your eyes.
426
00:18:39,797 --> 00:18:43,446
- richard, you lying,
Cheating rat bastard!
427
00:18:43,468 --> 00:18:45,488
Get your hands
Off my husband.
428
00:18:45,512 --> 00:18:48,362
- you're married,
And you were hitting on me?
429
00:18:48,385 --> 00:18:50,714
- I'm conjoined.
I'm not dead.
430
00:18:55,441 --> 00:18:58,005
- so it didn't work out
With that other woman either?
431
00:18:58,028 --> 00:18:59,825
I did not have sexual feelings
432
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:02,954
For that woman.
433
00:19:02,977 --> 00:19:05,157
- how would george bush feel
About that woman?
434
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:06,466
Well, I decided she wasn't
435
00:19:06,489 --> 00:19:08,892
Right for me,
'cause I'm the decider.
436
00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:11,191
And these are
The decider house rules.
437
00:19:14,759 --> 00:19:17,322
- he just picked up.
Do it.
438
00:19:17,345 --> 00:19:19,525
Max, sean connery here.
439
00:19:19,548 --> 00:19:21,153
I just wanted you to know
That I'm in bed
440
00:19:21,176 --> 00:19:24,027
With your beautiful and smart
Ex-girlfriend elka.
441
00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:27,316
And together we're laughing
About your clumsy love-making.
31477
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