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1
00:00:00,770 --> 00:00:01,863
- hot in cleveland
Is recorded
2
00:00:01,886 --> 00:00:04,575
In front of a live
Studio audience.
3
00:00:08,713 --> 00:00:10,987
- hey, ladies.
Who had the beer,
4
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:12,039
And who had the shot
Of jagermeister?
5
00:00:12,063 --> 00:00:14,783
- me and me.
6
00:00:14,805 --> 00:00:15,900
- what can I do for you?
7
00:00:15,923 --> 00:00:17,271
- well, that sports game
Has been on
8
00:00:17,294 --> 00:00:18,355
An awfully long time.
9
00:00:18,377 --> 00:00:19,760
Could you change the channel?
10
00:00:19,783 --> 00:00:21,132
- it's kind of a big game.
11
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:24,416
- but oprah and gayle
Are camping again.
12
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,618
Pretty please?
13
00:00:26,641 --> 00:00:29,999
- well, how can I say no
To you?
14
00:00:30,022 --> 00:00:31,977
- that never would have worked
In l.A.
15
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,636
- hey...
- whoa...
16
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:36,093
- it didn't completely
Work here.
17
00:00:36,116 --> 00:00:39,506
- oh, guys, sorry.
18
00:00:39,528 --> 00:00:40,718
- it's okay.
19
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:43,110
- I love this town.
20
00:00:43,133 --> 00:00:46,874
- now make them get us
Some ice cream from next door.
21
00:00:46,897 --> 00:00:51,329
- well, I'm not wearing
The right bra, but I'll try.
22
00:01:06,674 --> 00:01:08,756
- scusi, signora.
23
00:01:08,779 --> 00:01:10,670
You're wearing my house.
24
00:01:10,693 --> 00:01:13,862
- oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you.
25
00:01:13,885 --> 00:01:14,819
Here.
26
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:15,966
- just put it back
In the kitchen.
27
00:01:15,989 --> 00:01:21,071
that's the dining room!
The kitchen.
28
00:01:21,093 --> 00:01:23,941
There's a customary
Remodeling fee.
29
00:01:23,963 --> 00:01:26,324
- oh, sure.
30
00:01:28,111 --> 00:01:29,907
Bloody hell,
I can't find my wallet!
31
00:01:29,930 --> 00:01:31,629
I must have left it
At the I.N.S. Office
32
00:01:31,652 --> 00:01:33,446
When I was filling out
Those stupid forms.
33
00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:36,796
My whole life
Is in tatters.
34
00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,934
Oh, sorry.
35
00:01:38,957 --> 00:01:41,678
- actually, I do all right
For myself.
36
00:01:46,453 --> 00:01:48,089
♪ ♪
37
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:54,820
♪ ♪
38
00:01:54,842 --> 00:01:57,722
- oh, please...
Please stop.
39
00:01:57,746 --> 00:02:00,530
You're really very good,
But I've had a rough day.
40
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:03,656
- oh... You look
Almost ready to cry.
41
00:02:03,679 --> 00:02:05,378
Let the tears fall.
42
00:02:05,401 --> 00:02:07,898
- well, it has been
A rough few months.
43
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,515
- you see,
I need a green card.
44
00:02:10,538 --> 00:02:13,291
And I had a potential
Fake marriage that fell apart.
45
00:02:13,313 --> 00:02:15,364
Then I had a potential
Real marriage that fell apart.
46
00:02:15,387 --> 00:02:18,203
And now I'm gonna be deported
In two weeks,
47
00:02:18,226 --> 00:02:20,786
Unless I can find
An american citizen to marry me.
48
00:02:20,809 --> 00:02:23,232
- I... I'm an american
Citizen.
49
00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:27,485
- first of all, victoria,
Thanks for auditioning.
50
00:02:27,509 --> 00:02:30,164
I am a huge
Honor st. Raven fan.
51
00:02:30,187 --> 00:02:31,856
So for an actress
Of your caliber
52
00:02:31,879 --> 00:02:34,280
To even consider
A local news program is...
53
00:02:34,303 --> 00:02:36,035
- extraordinary.
I know.
54
00:02:36,058 --> 00:02:37,566
You know, I'll admit that
At first,
55
00:02:37,589 --> 00:02:38,969
Even I had reservations.
56
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,809
But then I thought,
I'm not lowering myself.
57
00:02:41,832 --> 00:02:45,763
I am raising the drab
Little lives of clevelanders.
58
00:02:45,788 --> 00:02:48,220
- we watched your tape.
59
00:02:48,244 --> 00:02:50,071
- you're welcome.
60
00:02:50,095 --> 00:02:51,697
- there's just one little thing.
61
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:52,942
Uh, we find you, uh...
62
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:55,909
- too chic? Charismatic?
Fabulous?
63
00:02:55,931 --> 00:02:57,472
- unlikable.
64
00:02:57,494 --> 00:03:02,894
- unlikable? Me?
In what way?
65
00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:04,935
- we found you vain,
Self-centered,
66
00:03:04,958 --> 00:03:07,231
And completely uninterested in
The person you were talking to.
67
00:03:07,254 --> 00:03:09,051
- all right,
Now you're just babbling.
68
00:03:09,074 --> 00:03:10,805
I'm gonna level with you.
69
00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:12,559
I am broke,
So I really need this job.
70
00:03:12,582 --> 00:03:13,676
Now, why don't you tell me
71
00:03:13,699 --> 00:03:15,399
Exactly what it is
You're looking for.
72
00:03:15,422 --> 00:03:16,738
- we call it the three ps.
73
00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:19,259
Perky, playful,
And puns.
74
00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:22,129
That's the kind of thing
That plays in middle america,
75
00:03:22,152 --> 00:03:25,798
Where likeable people
Like... Likeability.
76
00:03:25,821 --> 00:03:28,382
- you wouldn't know
Likeability
77
00:03:28,405 --> 00:03:30,901
It it sat in your lap
And blew in your ear.
78
00:03:30,924 --> 00:03:33,060
Would you like that?
79
00:03:34,785 --> 00:03:36,069
- there you are.
80
00:03:36,093 --> 00:03:37,122
We were starting
To get worried
81
00:03:37,144 --> 00:03:38,334
That something terrible
Happened to you.
82
00:03:38,357 --> 00:03:41,876
- I'm engaged...
To a homeless man.
83
00:03:41,899 --> 00:03:43,407
- oh, joy!
84
00:03:43,430 --> 00:03:46,777
Haven't the homeless
Suffered enough?
85
00:03:48,724 --> 00:03:51,127
- you're engaged
To a random homeless man?
86
00:03:51,150 --> 00:03:53,870
- he's not random.
He's opera guy.
87
00:03:53,893 --> 00:03:56,326
- the guy that stands outside
And sings?
88
00:03:56,349 --> 00:03:58,814
- yes. This means I get
To stay in the country.
89
00:03:58,837 --> 00:03:59,835
Be happy for me.
90
00:03:59,857 --> 00:04:01,813
- I'm happy for you.
91
00:04:01,836 --> 00:04:04,875
Sad for the country.
92
00:04:04,897 --> 00:04:06,885
- sweetie, isn't this
A little extreme?
93
00:04:06,907 --> 00:04:08,608
- look, I know
This is crazy,
94
00:04:08,631 --> 00:04:10,778
But I only have two weeks
To get a green card.
95
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:12,723
- well, you know how much
I want you to stay here,
96
00:04:12,745 --> 00:04:14,285
So I'll do whatever I can
To help.
97
00:04:14,308 --> 00:04:16,391
- that's good, because
He'll be living with us
98
00:04:16,414 --> 00:04:18,337
For the next two weeks.
99
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,645
- what? Why?
100
00:04:19,668 --> 00:04:20,921
- well, I can't just
Put his address down
101
00:04:20,944 --> 00:04:23,440
On the I.N.S. Forms
As "Behind the quiznos."
102
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:27,524
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a wedding to plan...
103
00:04:27,547 --> 00:04:29,407
And a fiance's name to learn.
104
00:04:29,430 --> 00:04:32,278
- shouldn't we do something
About this?
105
00:04:32,301 --> 00:04:34,988
- oh, he'll soon come
To his senses.
106
00:04:35,011 --> 00:04:37,859
- oh, wow...
107
00:04:37,882 --> 00:04:40,348
That is a good-lookin' man.
108
00:04:40,371 --> 00:04:42,453
- oh, that's jason disbrow...
109
00:04:42,475 --> 00:04:44,209
Shooting coach
For the cavaliers.
110
00:04:44,231 --> 00:04:45,993
Yummy.
111
00:04:46,017 --> 00:04:47,685
- well, go talk to him.
112
00:04:47,707 --> 00:04:50,077
Use your powers.
113
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,564
- oh, I don't know
If my powers are strong enough
114
00:04:52,587 --> 00:04:54,926
To penetrate
That kind of handsome.
115
00:04:54,949 --> 00:04:56,552
What should I say?
116
00:04:56,575 --> 00:04:58,977
- uh, how 'bout, uh,
117
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,561
"J.J. Hickson better
Square up to the basket
118
00:05:01,584 --> 00:05:04,144
If he ever wants
To hit a jumper."
119
00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:05,868
- I can't say that.
120
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:07,622
I don't even know
What it means.
121
00:05:07,644 --> 00:05:10,736
- excuse me, would you mind
If I put the game back on?
122
00:05:18,555 --> 00:05:20,605
Thanks.
123
00:05:20,629 --> 00:05:22,233
- j.J. Hickson better
Square up to the basket
124
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,306
If he ever wants to hit
A jumper.
125
00:05:24,329 --> 00:05:27,814
- wow, I just said that to him
This morning at practice.
126
00:05:27,837 --> 00:05:29,251
Can I buy you a drink?
127
00:05:29,274 --> 00:05:33,322
- don't waste your money.
She's good to go.
128
00:05:36,897 --> 00:05:39,744
And this is
The pick and roll.
129
00:05:39,768 --> 00:05:42,170
- what you guys doing?
130
00:05:42,193 --> 00:05:44,244
- oh, elka's teaching me
The finer points of basketball
131
00:05:44,266 --> 00:05:45,710
So I don't blow it
On my date with jason.
132
00:05:45,732 --> 00:05:46,731
- well, that's silly.
133
00:05:46,754 --> 00:05:47,880
Just be yourself.
He'll adore you.
134
00:05:47,903 --> 00:05:49,251
- thanks, but he already thinks
135
00:05:49,274 --> 00:05:51,292
I'm a basketball savant.
136
00:05:51,315 --> 00:05:52,728
The only thing
Standing in the way
137
00:05:52,751 --> 00:05:53,973
Of me and free tickets
138
00:05:53,996 --> 00:05:57,481
Is her ignorance
Of the game.
139
00:05:57,504 --> 00:05:59,937
- couldn't I just,
You know, sleep with him?
140
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:04,201
- I don't want the cheap seats.
I want courtside.
141
00:06:06,659 --> 00:06:08,805
- all right,
I have a question.
142
00:06:08,828 --> 00:06:10,719
The guy who left
To play for miami,
143
00:06:10,742 --> 00:06:14,515
Is his name pronounced
"Le-bron" or "Le-braun"?
144
00:06:14,538 --> 00:06:18,141
- in this house,
It's pronounced traitor!
145
00:06:23,088 --> 00:06:24,500
- hey, where have you been
All day?
146
00:06:24,522 --> 00:06:26,126
- oh, let's not make this
About me.
147
00:06:26,150 --> 00:06:28,902
I'm more interested
In you and you... And you.
148
00:06:28,925 --> 00:06:32,506
- what's wrong with you?
149
00:06:32,529 --> 00:06:34,006
- there is nothing wrong
With me.
150
00:06:34,029 --> 00:06:35,601
I'm just interested
In my friends,
151
00:06:35,624 --> 00:06:37,356
Like any likeable person.
152
00:06:37,379 --> 00:06:40,482
- okay. Well, I have a date
With a coach
153
00:06:40,505 --> 00:06:42,076
From the cleveland cavaliers.
- ah.
154
00:06:42,099 --> 00:06:45,873
- and I'm engaged
To a homeless man.
155
00:06:45,896 --> 00:06:46,894
He's moving in today.
156
00:06:46,917 --> 00:06:51,552
- what... A...
Heartwarming surprise.
157
00:06:51,575 --> 00:06:53,975
- look, I know what an
Incredible imposition this is,
158
00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,920
But he's actually
A pretty good guy.
159
00:06:55,943 --> 00:06:57,548
No different
From any of us.
160
00:06:57,572 --> 00:07:00,663
- honey, I'm home!
161
00:07:04,110 --> 00:07:06,958
- hi... Fiance.
162
00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:12,274
- now, please, introduce me
To your sister-wives.
163
00:07:14,797 --> 00:07:17,613
- well, this is melanie
And elka.
164
00:07:17,636 --> 00:07:18,954
- and I'm victoria.
165
00:07:18,977 --> 00:07:22,079
Delighted to meet you.
- charmed.
166
00:07:22,103 --> 00:07:25,013
Oh, such a beautiful home!
167
00:07:25,037 --> 00:07:26,705
I love all the little
Touches.
168
00:07:26,728 --> 00:07:28,364
Like the crown molding and...
Oh!
169
00:07:28,386 --> 00:07:33,275
Windows with glass
Instead of trash bags!
170
00:07:33,298 --> 00:07:35,254
- we've set up a cot for you
In the garage.
171
00:07:35,277 --> 00:07:36,275
- oh, a cot!
172
00:07:36,297 --> 00:07:37,326
- I won't hear of it.
173
00:07:37,350 --> 00:07:41,218
- you bitch!
174
00:07:41,242 --> 00:07:46,194
- no, I mean you must stay
In our guest room.
175
00:07:46,217 --> 00:07:48,874
- I'll show you the way.
- thank you.
176
00:07:48,897 --> 00:07:50,852
I'm so grateful
To be in your home.
177
00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:53,373
You must wake up every day
Feeling blessed.
178
00:07:53,396 --> 00:07:56,786
Don't touch my stuff!
179
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,274
- oh, what a charming fellow.
180
00:07:59,297 --> 00:08:02,145
Humans are so... Interesting.
181
00:08:02,168 --> 00:08:04,124
- okay, why are you being
So weird?
182
00:08:04,146 --> 00:08:08,174
- I'm just being my normal,
Upbeat, likeable self.
183
00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:11,906
- oh, god,
My career is over!
184
00:08:11,929 --> 00:08:13,947
- what's wrong?
What are you talking about?
185
00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:16,372
Well, I was embarrassed
To tell you guys,
186
00:08:16,394 --> 00:08:20,773
But I auditioned for a job
At a local tv news station.
187
00:08:20,797 --> 00:08:22,338
I didn't get it.
188
00:08:22,361 --> 00:08:24,474
They found me "Unlikable."
189
00:08:24,497 --> 00:08:27,154
- that's ridiculous.
- you're wonderful.
190
00:08:27,177 --> 00:08:30,652
- I like you better than joy.
191
00:08:32,537 --> 00:08:35,065
- they wanted me to do
Human interest stories,
192
00:08:35,088 --> 00:08:38,574
But you know that I have
No interest in humans.
193
00:08:38,597 --> 00:08:40,998
Except for you guys.
194
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,625
Oh, god, I need this job.
195
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:44,699
- so... You're a great actress.
196
00:08:44,722 --> 00:08:47,188
- go on.
197
00:08:47,211 --> 00:08:48,877
- pretend to be interested.
198
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:52,131
- pretend!
Oh, you're right. You're right.
199
00:08:52,154 --> 00:08:54,204
I've been going about this
All wrong.
200
00:08:54,227 --> 00:08:56,374
No, I just need
To think of this
201
00:08:56,397 --> 00:08:58,096
As another role I'm playing.
202
00:08:58,119 --> 00:09:00,839
You know, it's kind of like
When they ask me to host
203
00:09:00,862 --> 00:09:02,117
Those charity functions.
204
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:04,083
I just need to pretend
To care.
205
00:09:05,935 --> 00:09:08,561
And for the homeless man
Known as "Opera guy,"
206
00:09:08,583 --> 00:09:12,963
This far-from-fat lady
Has sung a song of love.
207
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:16,534
well, for, oh, hi, ohio,
This is vicki chase saying
208
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,448
That's amore!
209
00:09:18,472 --> 00:09:20,842
and for s'amore
On the weather,
210
00:09:20,865 --> 00:09:24,766
here's glenn to tell us
If spring is in the aria.
211
00:09:26,224 --> 00:09:29,549
- wow. Now that
Is a home run.
212
00:09:29,572 --> 00:09:33,186
- or perhaps you should say
A homeless run.
213
00:09:33,209 --> 00:09:35,579
No, you did not say that!
214
00:09:35,603 --> 00:09:37,396
- so?
215
00:09:37,419 --> 00:09:40,768
- welcome to northeast ohio's
Number three television station.
216
00:09:46,576 --> 00:09:47,574
- it's so great
To be with a woman
217
00:09:47,597 --> 00:09:49,199
Who knows so much
About basketball.
218
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,497
So who do you think
We should start at power forward
219
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,475
Against detroit?
220
00:09:56,177 --> 00:09:57,941
- huh?
221
00:09:57,964 --> 00:10:01,609
- say, "I'd go with
Antawn jamison."
222
00:10:01,632 --> 00:10:04,831
- I'd go with
Antawn jamison.
223
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,957
You know, he's old,
But he has a lot of gas left
224
00:10:07,981 --> 00:10:11,051
In his tank.
225
00:10:11,074 --> 00:10:13,157
- you know, lebron used to say
The same thing.
226
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,326
- oh, were you guys close?
- super close.
227
00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:17,431
Had all my hopes and dreams
Invested in him.
228
00:10:17,454 --> 00:10:20,207
And just like the rest
Of the city, it still hurts.
229
00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:21,896
- well, at least he'll
Come back and play
230
00:10:21,919 --> 00:10:24,061
A couple times a year.
That should be fun, right?
231
00:10:28,109 --> 00:10:30,722
- and I thought you
Were the dumb one.
232
00:10:35,031 --> 00:10:38,996
- ladies... The shower!
233
00:10:39,019 --> 00:10:41,483
Like the piss of angels!
234
00:10:41,506 --> 00:10:44,514
- wow, you clean up
Really well.
235
00:10:44,537 --> 00:10:45,822
This might actually work.
236
00:10:45,844 --> 00:10:49,489
- have you seen
My plastic owl vibrato?
237
00:10:49,513 --> 00:10:52,393
He protects me from squirrels.
238
00:10:52,416 --> 00:10:54,339
- although it has
Less of a chance
239
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,254
With statements like that.
240
00:10:56,276 --> 00:10:58,900
- defense wins championships.
241
00:10:58,923 --> 00:11:03,016
- I got a buddy
That talks to himself too.
242
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:06,111
- no, she's on bluetooth.
243
00:11:06,134 --> 00:11:08,874
- what's that like, meth?
244
00:11:11,491 --> 00:11:13,193
- look, here are some answers
To questions
245
00:11:13,216 --> 00:11:14,532
The I.N.S. Might ask us.
246
00:11:14,554 --> 00:11:17,594
Please try to memorize them.
247
00:11:17,617 --> 00:11:20,274
- "Joy sleeps on the right side
Of the bed.
248
00:11:20,296 --> 00:11:22,315
I sleep on the left."
249
00:11:22,338 --> 00:11:25,218
Ah...
250
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,197
"Unless england's
In the world cup,
251
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:30,641
Then nobody sleeps,
Small chuckle."
252
00:11:30,664 --> 00:11:32,715
- no, you don't say
"Small chuckle."
253
00:11:32,737 --> 00:11:34,118
You chuckle small-y.
254
00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:41,328
- face it lebron is
Le-gone!
255
00:11:41,350 --> 00:11:44,198
- face it, lebron is
Le-outta here.
256
00:11:44,221 --> 00:11:48,059
- oh, she's gone rogue.
257
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,005
- you're right,
I gotta let him go.
258
00:11:50,028 --> 00:11:51,375
- right. Would you like
To go to dinner?
259
00:11:51,398 --> 00:11:53,673
- you got a favorite place?
- oh, my gosh, dozens.
260
00:11:53,695 --> 00:11:55,427
Cleveland has so many
Great restaurants.
261
00:11:55,450 --> 00:11:57,181
That's another thing I love
About this city.
262
00:11:57,204 --> 00:11:58,618
- great. I would hate to think
That cleveland was
263
00:11:58,641 --> 00:12:00,595
Just some stepping stone
For you to a larger market,
264
00:12:00,618 --> 00:12:05,698
Like chicago, new york...
Miami.
265
00:12:05,721 --> 00:12:07,390
- no, no, I'm staying.
266
00:12:07,413 --> 00:12:09,080
- that's what lebron
Used to say.
267
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,377
- hey, listen, you gotta
Stop beating yourself up.
268
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,738
I mean, it's not like
You told lebron to go.
269
00:12:13,761 --> 00:12:16,641
- uh, actually, I did.
270
00:12:16,663 --> 00:12:19,128
You see, I was trying this
Reverse-psychology thing, and...
271
00:12:19,151 --> 00:12:21,073
- he's to blame!
272
00:12:21,097 --> 00:12:22,913
I'm gonna kill that mother...
273
00:12:31,911 --> 00:12:34,345
- oh, hi, ohio.
274
00:12:34,368 --> 00:12:37,981
It's vicki chase live
From the shores of lake erie.
275
00:12:38,004 --> 00:12:40,980
Not everyone finds
Our cleveland winter weather
276
00:12:41,003 --> 00:12:42,096
Hard to take.
277
00:12:42,119 --> 00:12:45,254
In fact, this group
Of speedo-clad warriors
278
00:12:45,277 --> 00:12:49,305
Finds it downright
Polar bear-able.
279
00:12:49,328 --> 00:12:52,846
In a few minutes,
These intrepid heroes
280
00:12:52,869 --> 00:12:54,697
Are going to take
Their annual plunge
281
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,484
Into the icy depths.
282
00:12:56,506 --> 00:12:58,332
And let me tell you, folks,
283
00:12:58,355 --> 00:13:03,884
- this water is...
- freezing!
284
00:13:03,906 --> 00:13:06,882
I'm sorry,
But you guys are crazy!
285
00:13:06,905 --> 00:13:08,541
Am I wrong?
286
00:13:08,564 --> 00:13:10,582
Tell you what, I am, like,
Five minutes away
287
00:13:10,605 --> 00:13:11,986
From cutting open
One of these guys
288
00:13:12,009 --> 00:13:13,741
And crawling in.
289
00:13:15,678 --> 00:13:16,836
- oh, dear.
290
00:13:16,858 --> 00:13:18,334
That was a bigger disaster
291
00:13:18,357 --> 00:13:19,450
Than when she ad libbed
Her way
292
00:13:19,473 --> 00:13:22,098
through the vagina monologues.
293
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:28,413
Hello.
294
00:13:28,436 --> 00:13:30,393
- I'm patricia wellons
With the I.N.S.
295
00:13:30,416 --> 00:13:32,307
I'm here for a surprise review.
296
00:13:32,330 --> 00:13:34,635
- but we're not supposed
To meet you till next week.
297
00:13:34,658 --> 00:13:37,686
- that's why
It's called a surprise.
298
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,864
- it's just so tough.
- mm.
299
00:13:45,887 --> 00:13:47,298
- there's reminders
Of lebron everywhere.
300
00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:49,308
I still can't take
The number 23 bus.
301
00:13:49,331 --> 00:13:50,999
It's kind of funny.
302
00:13:51,022 --> 00:13:52,467
It's almost like
I'm going out with someone
303
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:55,561
With a very famous ex,
And I'm just the rebound.
304
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,570
I'm sorry.
305
00:13:57,593 --> 00:14:00,123
Look, maybe this is
Just a time in your life
306
00:14:00,146 --> 00:14:01,271
Where you have to
Forget the past
307
00:14:01,293 --> 00:14:03,854
And just power forward.
308
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,162
Maybe I should just
Go home.
309
00:14:05,186 --> 00:14:07,874
I keep saying the wrong thing.
- no, don't go.
310
00:14:07,897 --> 00:14:09,597
I want to show you
That I can be normal.
311
00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:12,117
- okay, but could you maybe
Turn up the thermostat?
312
00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:13,106
It's a little chilly
In here.
313
00:14:13,130 --> 00:14:15,052
- oh, I'm sorry.
I like the cold.
314
00:14:15,075 --> 00:14:17,848
- I like the heat.
315
00:14:19,509 --> 00:14:21,687
Right, right...
Miami heat.
316
00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:24,813
You know what, I think maybe
We should do this another time.
317
00:14:24,836 --> 00:14:27,939
Okay?
Can I give you a ring?
318
00:14:27,962 --> 00:14:30,810
Right. No ring.
319
00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:33,363
No rings ever.
320
00:14:33,386 --> 00:14:34,797
- as I was saying,
321
00:14:34,820 --> 00:14:36,552
We like to meet
With each of you individually
322
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:38,115
To make sure that
Your stories are consistent.
323
00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:42,581
So how did you and joy
Get together?
324
00:14:42,604 --> 00:14:45,452
- well, when we met,
I was at a crosswalk...
325
00:14:45,475 --> 00:14:46,983
- crossroads!
326
00:14:47,006 --> 00:14:50,621
- crossroads!
327
00:14:50,643 --> 00:14:53,905
And this beautiful woman
Blew into my life
328
00:14:53,928 --> 00:14:55,278
Like a tornado.
329
00:14:55,301 --> 00:14:58,691
She literally ripped the roof
Off of my house.
330
00:14:58,714 --> 00:15:01,082
- don't ad lib,
Just repeat what I say!
331
00:15:01,106 --> 00:15:02,327
Don't ad lib,
332
00:15:02,350 --> 00:15:04,294
Just repeat what I say!
333
00:15:06,082 --> 00:15:07,239
- I'm sorry. Excuse me?
334
00:15:07,262 --> 00:15:11,291
- by that I mean
She changed my life,
335
00:15:11,314 --> 00:15:13,938
And made me feel like
A mannequin.
336
00:15:13,961 --> 00:15:17,766
man again!
That makes more sense.
337
00:15:17,789 --> 00:15:19,415
Small chuckle.
338
00:15:25,254 --> 00:15:27,081
I'm lucky to have met her.
339
00:15:27,104 --> 00:15:30,814
- oh, she's lucky too.
My husband's a bum.
340
00:15:30,836 --> 00:15:32,596
- oh, really?
What's his name?
341
00:15:36,450 --> 00:15:37,480
What was that?
342
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:39,426
- nothing.
Probably a squirrel.
343
00:15:39,449 --> 00:15:41,276
- a squirrel?
344
00:15:41,299 --> 00:15:43,446
Oh, no.
Where's vibrato?
345
00:15:43,469 --> 00:15:46,412
- oh, good lord!
It's just a squirrel!
346
00:15:46,436 --> 00:15:48,486
- the squirrels are coming!
The war's started!
347
00:15:48,509 --> 00:15:49,763
Where's vibrato?
348
00:15:49,785 --> 00:15:51,516
- just get back out there.
349
00:15:51,539 --> 00:15:54,738
- I'm sorry, I have to go.
I have a date with destiny.
350
00:15:54,761 --> 00:15:57,406
What are you laughing at?
351
00:16:04,203 --> 00:16:05,605
- I find it sexy.
352
00:16:09,946 --> 00:16:12,347
- so you picked a homeless man
To get your green card?
353
00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:14,229
- was that bad?
Should I not have done that?
354
00:16:14,252 --> 00:16:16,940
I'm new to your country.
355
00:16:16,963 --> 00:16:19,619
- your fiance is trying
To get a squirrel
356
00:16:19,642 --> 00:16:21,343
To sign a peace treaty.
357
00:16:21,365 --> 00:16:23,830
- I have a long ride.
358
00:16:23,853 --> 00:16:24,787
Do you mind it I use
Your bathroom?
359
00:16:24,810 --> 00:16:27,787
- down the hall
To the left.
360
00:16:27,809 --> 00:16:30,722
Why does this
Keep happening?
361
00:16:30,745 --> 00:16:31,837
- I don't know.
362
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,901
It seemed like such
An airtight plan.
363
00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:40,386
- well, I assume
You all witnessed
364
00:16:40,409 --> 00:16:42,397
My career suicide.
365
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:44,119
They fired me.
366
00:16:44,142 --> 00:16:46,064
- oh, honey,
It's just one job.
367
00:16:46,087 --> 00:16:49,191
You've had dry spells before.
The right part will come along.
368
00:16:49,214 --> 00:16:50,402
- well, what if it doesn't?
369
00:16:50,425 --> 00:16:52,030
I mean,
What if it's over?
370
00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:54,837
If I'm not in front
Of a camera, then who am I?
371
00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:57,357
I just don't know
If the un-televised life
372
00:16:57,380 --> 00:16:58,399
Is worth living.
373
00:17:01,751 --> 00:17:04,567
- sorry, elka,
No courtside tickets.
374
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:08,713
- you slept with him.
375
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,010
- no.
376
00:17:11,032 --> 00:17:12,637
But why is everyone
In this town
377
00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:14,072
So obsessed with their teams?
378
00:17:14,095 --> 00:17:16,337
- my segment was a hit!
379
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:18,890
The station said
They've been flooded with calls.
380
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:21,283
Apparently I say
What other people are thinking.
381
00:17:21,305 --> 00:17:23,546
And luckily for me,
What other people are thinking
382
00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:25,462
Is completely unlikable.
383
00:17:25,484 --> 00:17:27,439
Oh, we have company.
384
00:17:27,461 --> 00:17:30,373
hello, victoria chase,
From oh, hi, ohio.
385
00:17:30,396 --> 00:17:32,383
Check local listings.
386
00:17:32,406 --> 00:17:34,552
- this is patricia wellons,
From the I.N.S.
387
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,307
- oh, hi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
388
00:17:36,330 --> 00:17:37,965
- I'm being deported.
- what?
389
00:17:37,987 --> 00:17:40,101
- but joy and her fiance
Are so in love.
390
00:17:40,124 --> 00:17:41,539
- I know he's a homeless man.
391
00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:45,047
- but that's what makes it
So... So heartwarming.
392
00:17:45,070 --> 00:17:47,089
- thanks for trying,
But it's over.
393
00:17:47,112 --> 00:17:48,970
- no, I'm not gonna let this
Be over.
394
00:17:48,993 --> 00:17:50,087
- no, me either.
395
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,395
I mean,
I'll marry her myself,
396
00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,437
If that's what it takes.
397
00:17:53,460 --> 00:17:56,785
- I can't stand her,
But I still want her to stay.
398
00:17:56,808 --> 00:17:59,944
She gets me.
399
00:17:59,967 --> 00:18:01,730
- listen, joy may not
Be married,
400
00:18:01,753 --> 00:18:04,985
But she has deep ties
To this country... Us.
401
00:18:05,008 --> 00:18:06,133
- you know,
And in a lot of ways,
402
00:18:06,156 --> 00:18:07,918
Our friendship is stronger
Than any marriage.
403
00:18:07,941 --> 00:18:09,992
I mean, we've been together
Longer than
404
00:18:10,015 --> 00:18:12,193
All four of my marriages
Combined.
405
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:15,734
- it's five.
- five.
406
00:18:15,757 --> 00:18:18,882
Shoot, I always forget
Ernie hudson.
407
00:18:20,638 --> 00:18:21,955
- we're a family.
408
00:18:21,978 --> 00:18:24,475
if you deport joy,
You'll break us up.
409
00:18:24,498 --> 00:18:26,899
- you all live here together?
- mm-hmm.
410
00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:31,843
- we certainly do.
We're like sisters.
411
00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:33,312
- you know, my girlfriends
And I often joke
412
00:18:33,334 --> 00:18:36,151
About living together and
Having our husbands come visit.
413
00:18:36,174 --> 00:18:37,203
But you ladies are
Doing it.
414
00:18:37,227 --> 00:18:38,479
I admire that.
415
00:18:38,502 --> 00:18:40,393
- so you'll get me
A green card?
416
00:18:40,417 --> 00:18:42,563
- no.
- oh, can't you just let her...
417
00:18:42,586 --> 00:18:44,923
- okay, what I will do
Is give you an extension
418
00:18:44,946 --> 00:18:46,614
So that you have more time
To file an appeal
419
00:18:46,637 --> 00:18:47,665
To stay here legally.
420
00:18:47,688 --> 00:18:50,015
- oh, thank you.
421
00:18:52,251 --> 00:18:58,161
- you know, you ladies really
Have something special here.
422
00:18:58,184 --> 00:19:00,617
- oh, joy.
423
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:03,138
I've had some time to think,
424
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,456
And I can't go through
With this sham marriage.
425
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:09,294
When I get married,
I want it to be for real.
426
00:19:09,317 --> 00:19:10,410
For love.
427
00:19:10,433 --> 00:19:14,387
hush, vibrato!
I told her!
428
00:19:16,112 --> 00:19:19,597
- it's funny because
She can't even hang on
429
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:21,501
To a homeless man!
31283
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