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1
00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:01,909
- hot in cleveland
2
00:00:01,932 --> 00:00:04,199
Is recorded in front
Of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:09,088 --> 00:00:10,791
- well, this is great.
4
00:00:10,814 --> 00:00:12,100
Who needs a fancy salon?
5
00:00:12,124 --> 00:00:13,251
- I do.
6
00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:14,210
And as soon as we're done,
7
00:00:14,233 --> 00:00:16,254
I'm going out
For a mani-pedi.
8
00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:18,011
- you just finished
Doing your nails.
9
00:00:18,034 --> 00:00:19,800
- yes, so that
They'd be presentable
10
00:00:19,822 --> 00:00:21,270
When I get them done
By a professional.
11
00:00:21,293 --> 00:00:22,867
You know,
It's a common courtesy,
12
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:25,838
Like cleaning up
Before the housekeeper comes.
13
00:00:25,861 --> 00:00:26,796
- I've never heard of that.
14
00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:29,342
- I know, honey.
I used to wax you.
15
00:00:31,101 --> 00:00:33,144
- hand me the hair color.
16
00:00:34,742 --> 00:00:36,254
- hey, nice and easy.
17
00:00:36,277 --> 00:00:38,298
- yeah,
I picked this up yesterday.
18
00:00:38,321 --> 00:00:42,195
- that's great, dear, but I was
Talking to melanie and joy.
19
00:00:42,218 --> 00:00:43,814
If that is joy.
20
00:00:45,957 --> 00:00:48,777
Aah!
21
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,174
What are you girls
Doing in here?
22
00:00:51,196 --> 00:00:53,122
- we're having
A day of beauty.
23
00:00:53,145 --> 00:00:54,464
You know,
Fighting the good fight.
24
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,093
- well, lay down
Your weapons, ladies.
25
00:00:56,116 --> 00:00:59,097
Time won.
26
00:00:59,119 --> 00:01:00,438
- that's ridiculous.
27
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:03,506
Moving to cleveland has extended
Our shelf life by 20 years.
28
00:01:03,529 --> 00:01:04,816
- although, to be honest,
29
00:01:04,839 --> 00:01:05,869
We have been going through
30
00:01:05,892 --> 00:01:07,627
A bit of a romantic
Dry spell lately,
31
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,288
So we've decided
To up our game.
32
00:01:09,311 --> 00:01:10,981
- well,
What more can you do?
33
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,643
I haven't seen
This much body work
34
00:01:12,666 --> 00:01:15,773
Since g.M. Left town.
35
00:01:15,796 --> 00:01:16,891
- you're crankier than usual.
36
00:01:16,914 --> 00:01:18,617
What's with you?
37
00:01:18,639 --> 00:01:20,438
- you guys wouldn't understand.
38
00:01:20,461 --> 00:01:21,875
- is it because
Of the browns?
39
00:01:21,898 --> 00:01:22,865
- no.
40
00:01:22,888 --> 00:01:23,984
- oh, is it
Because of your trial?
41
00:01:24,008 --> 00:01:25,453
- no.
42
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,338
- is it because
You broke up with max?
43
00:01:27,361 --> 00:01:28,551
- no.
44
00:01:28,575 --> 00:01:30,150
It's because my max
45
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,929
Has already started
Dating somebody else.
46
00:01:32,952 --> 00:01:36,411
And the browns stink.
47
00:01:36,435 --> 00:01:37,753
- I'm so sorry.
48
00:01:37,776 --> 00:01:39,479
- so am I.
49
00:01:39,502 --> 00:01:43,046
Is it too much to ask
For one decent wide receiver?
50
00:01:44,709 --> 00:01:48,360
- elka, don't hide behind
Whoever the browns are.
51
00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:50,373
- you're upset about max.
52
00:01:50,396 --> 00:01:51,491
Who's he dating now?
53
00:01:51,514 --> 00:01:54,048
- that slut
From the senior center.
54
00:01:54,071 --> 00:01:56,667
Aka fat-ass hagford.
55
00:01:56,689 --> 00:01:58,743
- you have so many
Colorful names for her.
56
00:01:58,766 --> 00:02:01,555
Fat-ass hagford.
Angus fatford.
57
00:02:01,577 --> 00:02:03,759
I've forgotten her real name.
What is it again?
58
00:02:03,782 --> 00:02:06,273
- bitch.
59
00:02:08,063 --> 00:02:10,213
- well, I don't think you should
Have ever broken up with max
60
00:02:10,236 --> 00:02:12,321
In the first place.
You're still in love with him.
61
00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:15,419
- yes, but his son
Is running for office,
62
00:02:15,442 --> 00:02:18,997
And I'm tied
To a mafia crime.
63
00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:20,628
- hello.
64
00:02:20,650 --> 00:02:22,289
There's an incredibly
Handsome man
65
00:02:22,311 --> 00:02:24,781
Talking on his cell phone
On our porch.
66
00:02:24,804 --> 00:02:27,549
It's like sex in a suit.
67
00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:31,490
- if he's a jehovah's witness,
I'm converting.
68
00:02:31,513 --> 00:02:33,567
- if he's a mormon,
He can have all three of us.
69
00:02:33,590 --> 00:02:36,122
That must be my lawyer.
70
00:02:36,146 --> 00:02:38,262
- I have to change.
- I call the shower!
71
00:02:38,285 --> 00:02:39,765
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop.
72
00:02:39,788 --> 00:02:40,819
Stop, you guys.
73
00:02:40,842 --> 00:02:42,544
This is crazy.
74
00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:44,365
We should just go up
One at a time.
75
00:02:44,388 --> 00:02:47,018
Shortest first.
76
00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:51,330
- heavens.
All that fuss over one...
77
00:02:51,353 --> 00:02:52,768
- mrs. Ostrovsky?
78
00:02:52,791 --> 00:02:56,409
- I hope you're my lawyer.
79
00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:58,443
Because I'm defenseless.
80
00:03:08,638 --> 00:03:10,563
- well, elka,
I've been reviewing your case,
81
00:03:10,586 --> 00:03:11,904
And based on what I see here,
I have...
82
00:03:11,927 --> 00:03:12,991
- oh, I'm sorry.
83
00:03:13,013 --> 00:03:15,867
I didn't know anyone
Was down here.
84
00:03:19,595 --> 00:03:21,137
I just woke up.
85
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,117
I must look a fright.
86
00:03:23,140 --> 00:03:27,304
- I think you forgot the rest
Of your outfit upstairs.
87
00:03:27,326 --> 00:03:30,339
With your dignity.
88
00:03:30,362 --> 00:03:31,905
- hi, I'm kirk,
Elka's attorney.
89
00:03:31,928 --> 00:03:33,310
- I'm joy.
90
00:03:33,333 --> 00:03:35,322
Is there
A mrs. Elka's attorney?
91
00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,496
- no, I guess I haven't met
The right woman yet.
92
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:40,275
Hello.
93
00:03:40,297 --> 00:03:41,424
- hi.
94
00:03:41,448 --> 00:03:44,044
- I'm melanie.
95
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:47,974
- are you having
An asthma attack?
96
00:03:47,997 --> 00:03:49,220
- no.
97
00:03:49,243 --> 00:03:53,469
You know how sometimes my voice
Gets deep and sensual?
98
00:03:53,492 --> 00:03:56,078
Like a young...
- larry king?
99
00:03:59,850 --> 00:04:03,117
- I didn't know
You hired a lawyer yet,
100
00:04:03,140 --> 00:04:06,045
Or that you wake up
In makeup.
101
00:04:07,933 --> 00:04:12,382
- kirk was sent to me
By my late husband's... Friends.
102
00:04:12,405 --> 00:04:13,341
- oh.
103
00:04:13,364 --> 00:04:15,098
- so you work for the mafia?
104
00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:17,110
- well, technically,
My grandfather did,
105
00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:18,357
But he put me
Through law school,
106
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:20,178
So from time to time
I help his associates out.
107
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:23,595
- I hope I'm not
Interrupting anything.
108
00:04:23,618 --> 00:04:27,078
Oh, please...
Please, don't get up.
109
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:28,772
- what's all this then?
110
00:04:28,795 --> 00:04:30,624
- oh, it's just my emmy gown.
111
00:04:30,647 --> 00:04:32,541
I just found out
That emmy magazine
112
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,500
Wants to do a piece on me
113
00:04:33,522 --> 00:04:35,833
Because of my emmy win.
114
00:04:35,856 --> 00:04:36,823
- boy, it must be exciting
115
00:04:36,846 --> 00:04:38,357
Living with
A famous actress, hmm?
116
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:42,031
- was that a proposal?
117
00:04:42,054 --> 00:04:44,235
- can we get back
To my trial?
118
00:04:44,258 --> 00:04:45,544
- yeah, elka,
I'm gonna be blunt.
119
00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:47,397
The state has
A very solid case against you.
120
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,580
- oh, no.
121
00:04:48,602 --> 00:04:50,113
- well, it's not like
She stole anything.
122
00:04:50,136 --> 00:04:52,381
She was just in possession
Of stolen goods.
123
00:04:52,404 --> 00:04:56,599
- is there anything someone as
Broad-shouldered as you can do?
124
00:04:56,621 --> 00:04:57,972
- well, you know,
There is one tactic
125
00:04:57,994 --> 00:04:58,930
That's worked in the past.
126
00:04:58,953 --> 00:04:59,953
Uh, are you ladies familiar
127
00:04:59,976 --> 00:05:01,518
With the vinnie
"The chin" gigante case?
128
00:05:01,541 --> 00:05:03,467
- oh, the mobster who wore
The bathrobe to court.
129
00:05:03,489 --> 00:05:06,279
- right. To show that he wasn't
Competent to stand trial.
130
00:05:06,302 --> 00:05:08,547
- so you want me
To pretend to be senile?
131
00:05:08,570 --> 00:05:09,505
- pretend?
132
00:05:09,528 --> 00:05:12,221
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
133
00:05:12,244 --> 00:05:14,618
I'm a bit of a scamp.
134
00:05:14,641 --> 00:05:16,694
- listen,
I'll do whatever it takes.
135
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,067
- good.
And it'd be really helpful
136
00:05:18,091 --> 00:05:19,793
If each of you could testify
To that fact.
137
00:05:19,816 --> 00:05:21,519
- oh, absolutely.
- now, you do understand,
138
00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:22,828
You'll be risking
A perjury charge.
139
00:05:22,851 --> 00:05:24,041
- oh, well, I don't care.
140
00:05:24,064 --> 00:05:25,639
We'll do anything
To keep elka out of jail.
141
00:05:25,662 --> 00:05:27,364
- perfect. You'll be
Really good on the stand.
142
00:05:27,387 --> 00:05:28,514
You've got a very honest face.
143
00:05:28,538 --> 00:05:30,335
- I'll help too.
144
00:05:30,359 --> 00:05:31,741
- great. Who doesn't love
A british accent?
145
00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:33,850
- oh, perhaps I should be
The star witness.
146
00:05:33,873 --> 00:05:36,342
Since I do have some
Acting experience.
147
00:05:36,365 --> 00:05:39,696
And by "Some"
I mean "Emmy-winning."
148
00:05:39,719 --> 00:05:41,326
- then how could the judge
Not be impressed?
149
00:05:41,349 --> 00:05:43,147
So I'll go down now
150
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,063
And file the motion
For a competency hearing.
151
00:05:45,086 --> 00:05:46,373
- counselor.
- counselor.
152
00:05:46,397 --> 00:05:49,408
- consigliere.
153
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,773
- I'll walk you to the door.
154
00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:55,671
If I can remember
Where it is.
155
00:05:55,693 --> 00:05:59,472
See, I'm working it already.
156
00:05:59,495 --> 00:06:00,463
- is it just me,
157
00:06:00,486 --> 00:06:02,923
Or were you two
A little over the top?
158
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,297
- oh, I don't know.
159
00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:07,843
maybe we should ask
Your consigliere.
160
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:11,069
Thank you, melanie.
161
00:06:11,092 --> 00:06:13,465
- okay, obviously
We're all attracted to him,
162
00:06:13,489 --> 00:06:15,701
And, perhaps heightened
By our recent dateless-ness,
163
00:06:15,724 --> 00:06:17,523
We're acting a little insane.
164
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,440
What should we do?
- I don't know.
165
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,133
We've never been
In this situation before.
166
00:06:21,156 --> 00:06:22,220
I've always been married,
167
00:06:22,243 --> 00:06:25,702
And victoria was...
Well, often married.
168
00:06:25,726 --> 00:06:26,820
- and I was always single,
169
00:06:26,843 --> 00:06:28,162
Which is why
I should get him.
170
00:06:28,185 --> 00:06:29,217
- well, I'm sorry.
171
00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:31,293
It's not like me
To be self-centered,
172
00:06:31,316 --> 00:06:33,816
But I could just really use
173
00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,212
Something to cheer me up,
You know?
174
00:06:36,236 --> 00:06:40,142
Like him and faded levis
And no shirt.
175
00:06:40,165 --> 00:06:42,122
- on a motorcycle,
No helmet,
176
00:06:42,145 --> 00:06:43,944
Bit of a scruff.
177
00:06:43,967 --> 00:06:45,190
- I don't care
What he's wearing.
178
00:06:45,213 --> 00:06:49,088
I could just picture him
On top of me.
179
00:06:49,111 --> 00:06:51,932
- sure could take my mind
Off my deportation troubles.
180
00:06:51,955 --> 00:06:54,231
- mm, and my being poor.
181
00:06:54,254 --> 00:06:55,477
All right, melanie,
You decide.
182
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,691
Who should get him?
Me or joy?
183
00:06:56,714 --> 00:06:58,577
- wait a minute.
What about me?
184
00:06:58,599 --> 00:06:59,854
Why don't I
Have a shot at him?
185
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:01,963
- because up until
Your one-night stand
186
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:03,719
Turned out to be
Your boyfriend's brother,
187
00:07:03,742 --> 00:07:05,924
You had a sex life.
188
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,161
- okay.
189
00:07:08,184 --> 00:07:10,078
Which one of you
Am I gonna give him to?
190
00:07:10,101 --> 00:07:11,164
- give?
191
00:07:11,187 --> 00:07:13,528
- you have to have
In order to give, dear.
192
00:07:13,551 --> 00:07:16,467
- well, you know,
I don't want to be mean,
193
00:07:16,490 --> 00:07:18,672
But he was obviously
Attracted to me.
194
00:07:18,695 --> 00:07:20,301
He said I had
An honest face.
195
00:07:20,324 --> 00:07:23,399
- well, so did abe lincoln.
196
00:07:23,422 --> 00:07:25,252
You know,
But if we're being honest,
197
00:07:25,275 --> 00:07:26,754
Then, I mean,
It was pretty clear
198
00:07:26,778 --> 00:07:28,863
That he was bewitched
By my star power.
199
00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:30,748
- oh, give it up.
200
00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:32,090
He was staring at my legs
201
00:07:32,113 --> 00:07:35,156
The whole time he was
Complimenting my sexy accent.
202
00:07:35,179 --> 00:07:37,073
- so we're back
To what do we do.
203
00:07:37,096 --> 00:07:39,725
Now, normally I would say
We shouldn't compete over a man,
204
00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:43,144
But what's wrong with a little
Healthy competition?
205
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:44,358
- you're just saying that
206
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,795
Because you think
You're gonna win.
207
00:07:45,818 --> 00:07:47,873
- no, no, I'm saying it
'cause I know I'm gonna win.
208
00:07:47,896 --> 00:07:51,706
- oh, you're both so wrong,
Because I'm gonna win.
209
00:07:51,728 --> 00:07:53,846
- so we're gonna go for this?
210
00:07:53,870 --> 00:07:54,869
- oh, it's on.
211
00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:56,274
- oh, it is so on.
212
00:07:56,298 --> 00:07:58,671
- it is so on I'm not gonna
Let you borrow my curling iron.
213
00:07:58,695 --> 00:07:59,916
- seriously?
214
00:07:59,939 --> 00:08:01,034
- well, no,
You can borrow it,
215
00:08:01,057 --> 00:08:03,259
But then it is so on.
216
00:08:06,392 --> 00:08:08,830
- oh, thank you for meeting me
On such short notice.
217
00:08:08,853 --> 00:08:10,651
- well, you sounded
So urgent on the phone.
218
00:08:10,674 --> 00:08:13,111
- well, I'm up for a part
Playing a sexy lady lawyer
219
00:08:13,134 --> 00:08:15,762
in the new show
Called sexy lady lawyers.
220
00:08:15,785 --> 00:08:17,552
- so you want to know
What it's like to be a lawyer?
221
00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:20,257
- well, I already know what
It's like to be a sexy lady.
222
00:08:24,475 --> 00:08:25,411
- great choice.
223
00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:28,830
- thanks.
That's my glass.
224
00:08:28,853 --> 00:08:30,683
What a pleasant surprise.
225
00:08:30,706 --> 00:08:32,247
I had no idea you were coming.
226
00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:33,206
- nor I you.
227
00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:34,740
Well, this is grand.
228
00:08:34,762 --> 00:08:36,529
I thought you
Were at the supermarket.
229
00:08:36,552 --> 00:08:38,095
- I already went.
230
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,638
And I picked up those
Odor eaters you always need.
231
00:08:42,974 --> 00:08:43,910
- thank you.
232
00:08:43,932 --> 00:08:45,155
But since
You were already there
233
00:08:45,178 --> 00:08:47,072
Getting your medication
For your toenail fungus,
234
00:08:47,095 --> 00:08:50,106
Then why not?
235
00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:51,609
- well, if you two need
To take care of your feet,
236
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,823
Maybe we should do this
Another time.
237
00:08:52,846 --> 00:08:54,100
- no, no, no.
238
00:08:54,123 --> 00:08:56,305
Melanie texted me
That she's waxing the floors
239
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,423
And not to come home.
240
00:08:57,446 --> 00:08:59,021
- oh, well, she texted me
The same thing,
241
00:08:59,044 --> 00:09:00,841
So I thought I'd just
Kill a little time
242
00:09:00,864 --> 00:09:03,813
And do a little
Acting research.
243
00:09:03,836 --> 00:09:06,049
- oh, for that new movie
You're doing.
244
00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:11,543
But what would kirk know about
Playing a menopausal woman?
245
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:14,793
- you're right.
I should have come to you.
246
00:09:16,359 --> 00:09:19,051
So, um, why are you here
With kirk, hmm?
247
00:09:19,074 --> 00:09:20,394
- well, he was kind enough
To meet me
248
00:09:20,416 --> 00:09:21,863
To discuss
My I.N.S. Problems.
249
00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:23,907
- I told her on the phone
I'm not an immigration lawyer.
250
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:24,962
- oh, you're so modest.
251
00:09:24,985 --> 00:09:27,103
I tell people
I'm not kate beckinsale,
252
00:09:27,125 --> 00:09:29,084
But they still take pictures
Of me at the airport.
253
00:09:29,107 --> 00:09:32,662
Click, click.
"Oh, stop."
254
00:09:32,685 --> 00:09:36,719
- oh, it's such a shame
You're being deported.
255
00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:39,818
- excuse me.
256
00:09:39,841 --> 00:09:41,895
Hello?
257
00:09:41,918 --> 00:09:43,971
Oh, hi, melanie.
258
00:09:43,994 --> 00:09:46,208
- melanie.
- how charming.
259
00:09:46,231 --> 00:09:47,390
Put her on speaker.
260
00:09:47,413 --> 00:09:49,467
- I'd love to ask you
Some legal questions
261
00:09:49,490 --> 00:09:50,648
Involving my divorce?
262
00:09:50,671 --> 00:09:52,150
- well, I'm not really
A divorce lawyer.
263
00:09:52,173 --> 00:09:54,993
- oh, well, we could just
Talk about that at my place.
264
00:09:55,016 --> 00:09:58,561
My roommates are out
At a lesbian a.A. Meeting.
265
00:10:05,016 --> 00:10:05,952
I don't know.
266
00:10:05,974 --> 00:10:06,973
I'm just kind of scared
267
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,348
Of being alone
In this big old house.
268
00:10:08,371 --> 00:10:10,265
- oh, please.
- victoria, is that you?
269
00:10:10,288 --> 00:10:11,511
- yes.
- and joy.
270
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:12,852
- well, what are you guys
Doing th...
271
00:10:12,875 --> 00:10:15,249
I mean, what... Why aren't you
At your meeting?
272
00:10:15,272 --> 00:10:18,028
I hope you're not drinking.
- ha ha ha ha ha ha!
273
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,593
She's joking.
274
00:10:19,616 --> 00:10:21,287
She always gets irritable
275
00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:23,513
When her irritable bowel
Flares up.
276
00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:26,239
- listen, it's getting late.
277
00:10:26,262 --> 00:10:28,252
Why don't we discuss your
Legal problems over dinner?
278
00:10:28,275 --> 00:10:29,689
- sure. Which one of us
Do you want to take?
279
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,734
- well, how about
All three of you?
280
00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:33,894
Women: yay.
281
00:10:37,508 --> 00:10:40,263
- I can't believe what you said
About me at dinner last night.
282
00:10:40,286 --> 00:10:41,861
- what about
What you said about me?
283
00:10:41,884 --> 00:10:43,235
I mean,
I know we said it was on,
284
00:10:43,258 --> 00:10:45,280
But that was beyond on.
285
00:10:45,303 --> 00:10:46,909
- fortunately
I stayed above the fray.
286
00:10:46,932 --> 00:10:48,666
- what,
By pretending to choke
287
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,551
So that kirk would
Put his arms around you?
288
00:10:50,575 --> 00:10:52,691
- yeah, I'm pretty sure
At no point during the heimlich
289
00:10:52,714 --> 00:10:54,416
Is the choking victim
290
00:10:54,439 --> 00:10:58,826
Supposed to guide the
Rescuer's hands to her boobs.
291
00:10:58,849 --> 00:11:00,998
- the important thing
Is I'm alive.
292
00:11:01,022 --> 00:11:03,331
- worst night ever.
293
00:11:03,354 --> 00:11:04,289
- hey, girls.
294
00:11:04,312 --> 00:11:05,247
That was fun last night.
295
00:11:05,271 --> 00:11:06,206
- oh, so much fun.
296
00:11:06,229 --> 00:11:07,164
- I had the best time.
297
00:11:07,187 --> 00:11:10,423
- I had an even
Better time, kirk.
298
00:11:10,445 --> 00:11:11,604
- so is elka ready?
299
00:11:11,628 --> 00:11:13,330
It's almost time
For the competency hearing.
300
00:11:13,353 --> 00:11:15,151
- she's just freshening up.
301
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,036
- where am I?
302
00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:20,231
Who am I?
303
00:11:20,254 --> 00:11:22,372
Let's do this thing.
304
00:11:22,394 --> 00:11:24,735
Oh, no, it's max.
305
00:11:24,758 --> 00:11:26,110
And he's with
Hagnes fatford.
306
00:11:26,132 --> 00:11:28,058
- okay, now, remember,
You're supposed to be senile.
307
00:11:28,081 --> 00:11:29,592
There are a lot
Of people out here.
308
00:11:29,614 --> 00:11:31,380
- elka, what's going on?
309
00:11:31,403 --> 00:11:33,936
- oh, max.
People are staring.
310
00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:35,662
Just ignore her.
311
00:11:35,685 --> 00:11:39,303
- why is your pig
Wearing a dress?
312
00:11:39,327 --> 00:11:40,518
- what?
313
00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:41,764
- please excuse her.
314
00:11:41,787 --> 00:11:43,394
She doesn't understand
What she's saying.
315
00:11:43,417 --> 00:11:44,927
- I don't know
What this is all about,
316
00:11:44,949 --> 00:11:47,003
But before you hear
From anyone else,
317
00:11:47,025 --> 00:11:48,761
I just want to tell you that...
318
00:11:48,783 --> 00:11:50,869
- we're getting married.
319
00:11:50,892 --> 00:11:52,147
- what?
320
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:55,757
We're getting married!
321
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:57,130
- but...
322
00:11:57,153 --> 00:11:58,185
- she's just confused.
323
00:11:58,208 --> 00:11:59,750
This has been coming on
For some time now.
324
00:11:59,773 --> 00:12:01,060
- max, tick tock.
325
00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:02,594
The judge is waiting for us.
326
00:12:02,618 --> 00:12:05,501
The wedding's at 2:00.
327
00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:08,057
- be well, elka.
328
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,165
- I cannot believe
329
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:12,785
That you were ever engaged
To that dreadful woman.
330
00:12:12,808 --> 00:12:14,148
Aah!
331
00:12:16,227 --> 00:12:19,303
- that's great,
But save it for the hearing.
332
00:12:19,326 --> 00:12:22,294
- elka.
I'm so sorry.
333
00:12:25,109 --> 00:12:27,034
- hey, I know your mind
Is on max,
334
00:12:27,057 --> 00:12:29,878
But remember, this could
Keep you out of prison.
335
00:12:29,901 --> 00:12:32,902
- thank you, your majesty.
336
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,334
- this is a hearing
To determine
337
00:12:39,357 --> 00:12:40,932
If the defendant
Is competent
338
00:12:40,955 --> 00:12:43,966
To stand trial
In case number 10421,
339
00:12:43,990 --> 00:12:46,012
The people
Versus elka ostrovsky.
340
00:12:46,034 --> 00:12:47,992
For the defense, we have...
341
00:12:48,014 --> 00:12:50,602
The very capable
Kirk stark.
342
00:12:52,169 --> 00:12:53,774
Good afternoon, counselor.
343
00:12:53,798 --> 00:12:54,861
- good afternoon, judge.
344
00:12:54,884 --> 00:12:56,798
- it is now.
345
00:12:59,389 --> 00:13:00,579
Have you been working out?
346
00:13:00,603 --> 00:13:01,571
- every day, your honor.
347
00:13:01,594 --> 00:13:04,051
- what exactly
Does that entail?
348
00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:08,439
- oh, a lot of crunches,
Squats, stair work,
349
00:13:08,463 --> 00:13:10,196
That sort of thing.
350
00:13:10,219 --> 00:13:12,006
- that's fascinating.
351
00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:16,074
Well, I suppose
We should continue.
352
00:13:16,097 --> 00:13:17,896
Representing the state
In this matter we have...
353
00:13:17,918 --> 00:13:19,045
- uh, greg trimmer...
354
00:13:19,069 --> 00:13:21,136
- yeah, I don't need to know
Your life story.
355
00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:27,416
Kirk, do you want to call
Your first witness?
356
00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:28,374
- thank you, your honor.
357
00:13:28,397 --> 00:13:29,556
At this time,
The defense
358
00:13:29,579 --> 00:13:32,943
Would like to call
Victoria chase to the stand.
359
00:13:32,965 --> 00:13:33,997
Oh, I'm sorry.
360
00:13:34,019 --> 00:13:35,179
The defense would like to call
361
00:13:35,202 --> 00:13:37,757
Television's victoria chase
To the stand.
362
00:13:46,448 --> 00:13:48,086
- please raise
Your right hand.
363
00:13:48,109 --> 00:13:49,556
Do you swear
To tell the truth,
364
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,664
The whole truth,
And nothing but the truth?
365
00:13:51,688 --> 00:13:53,668
- I do.
366
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:58,215
- now, miss chase, could you
Give the court an example
367
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,770
Of why you think the defendant
Is incapable of standing trial?
368
00:14:00,793 --> 00:14:02,207
- fade in.
369
00:14:02,230 --> 00:14:03,869
Close on
An elderly woman's hand
370
00:14:03,892 --> 00:14:06,072
Picking up
A delicate teacup.
371
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,222
- what are you doing?
372
00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:08,565
- oh, I'm setting the scene,
Your honor.
373
00:14:08,588 --> 00:14:10,791
- just get to the example,
Fellini.
374
00:14:14,818 --> 00:14:17,287
- last week
I was in my living room,
375
00:14:17,309 --> 00:14:20,097
Curled up and kittenish...
376
00:14:20,121 --> 00:14:22,335
Um, reading
A penetrating article
377
00:14:22,358 --> 00:14:24,093
in the american law journal.
378
00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:26,637
I just love all things
Pertaining to law.
379
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:32,590
Anyway, I suddenly
Noticed that elka
380
00:14:32,613 --> 00:14:34,187
Had wandered
Out into the street.
381
00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:36,775
She was frightened
And confused, and...
382
00:14:36,798 --> 00:14:38,022
Well,
At great personal risk,
383
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,683
I ran out to save her.
384
00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:42,366
- and were your roommates
Melanie and joy witness to this?
385
00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:46,935
- actually, joy
Was way too drunk to stand.
386
00:14:46,958 --> 00:14:48,276
It was 9:00 a.M.
387
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:49,875
- not true.
388
00:14:49,898 --> 00:14:51,407
Order in the court.
389
00:14:51,431 --> 00:14:53,772
- and melanie was upstairs,
Waging her own brave,
390
00:14:53,795 --> 00:14:58,788
But ultimately futile battle
Against cellulite.
391
00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:00,129
- objection.
392
00:15:00,152 --> 00:15:01,886
- only the judge
Or the lawyers can object.
393
00:15:01,910 --> 00:15:03,483
- that's right.
394
00:15:03,506 --> 00:15:06,508
You really know your stuff.
395
00:15:12,388 --> 00:15:16,871
- so as much as it
Breaks my heart to say this,
396
00:15:16,894 --> 00:15:19,969
I really do think she's not
Competent to stand trial.
397
00:15:19,992 --> 00:15:21,949
- well, thank you, miss moretti,
For your testimony.
398
00:15:21,972 --> 00:15:23,643
- you're welcome.
Any time.
399
00:15:23,666 --> 00:15:25,741
I like it when we talk.
400
00:15:28,522 --> 00:15:29,905
Oh, I'd like
To clear something up.
401
00:15:29,928 --> 00:15:32,461
Although I do sympathize
With the 95% of women
402
00:15:32,484 --> 00:15:34,249
Who do suffer from cellulite,
403
00:15:34,272 --> 00:15:36,826
I happen to be
One of the lucky 5%.
404
00:15:38,298 --> 00:15:42,801
- let the record show that the
Court has been equally blessed.
405
00:15:44,976 --> 00:15:48,531
I don't hear typing.
406
00:15:48,554 --> 00:15:50,320
- and she's clearly delusional.
407
00:15:50,344 --> 00:15:53,419
She always mistakes me
For a hooker.
408
00:15:53,442 --> 00:15:56,156
Whereas most people
Mistake me for kate beckinsale.
409
00:15:59,928 --> 00:16:01,343
- that's perjury, your honor.
410
00:16:01,365 --> 00:16:03,035
Ask her to name
These so-called people
411
00:16:03,058 --> 00:16:04,760
Who think
She's kate beckinsale.
412
00:16:04,783 --> 00:16:05,878
- oh, stop it.
413
00:16:05,902 --> 00:16:07,827
I didn't interrupt
Your testi-lying.
414
00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:09,967
- I did not lie once.
415
00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:10,925
- you so did.
416
00:16:10,949 --> 00:16:12,364
You lied, like, ten times.
417
00:16:12,387 --> 00:16:13,897
Except about elka.
418
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,303
'cause she really is crazy.
419
00:16:15,326 --> 00:16:16,357
And that's the honest truth.
420
00:16:16,381 --> 00:16:17,412
I'll even swear...
421
00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:18,690
- enough.
422
00:16:18,713 --> 00:16:21,981
The only crazy people
In this room are these three.
423
00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:23,674
Put me on trial.
424
00:16:23,697 --> 00:16:25,047
I've got something to do.
425
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:26,006
- no, no, wait, elka.
426
00:16:26,029 --> 00:16:26,964
- elka.
427
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:27,923
- wait.
428
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,201
- you can't just walk out.
429
00:16:29,224 --> 00:16:32,522
- the defendant is clearly
Competent to stand trial.
430
00:16:32,545 --> 00:16:34,279
This court is adjourned.
431
00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:36,485
Counsel, I'd like
To see you in my chambers.
432
00:16:36,508 --> 00:16:38,116
No, not you.
Sit down.
433
00:16:51,971 --> 00:16:54,024
- and do you,
Maxwell sidney miller,
434
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:57,090
Take this woman to be
Your lawful wedded wife?
435
00:16:57,114 --> 00:16:59,007
- not on my watch.
436
00:16:59,030 --> 00:17:00,669
- elka,
What are you doing here?
437
00:17:00,692 --> 00:17:03,162
- somebody restrain
That crazy woman.
438
00:17:03,185 --> 00:17:05,175
- you're right.
I am crazy.
439
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,867
Crazy for you, max.
440
00:17:06,891 --> 00:17:08,593
I never
Should have let you go.
441
00:17:08,616 --> 00:17:11,820
- and I should have
Never let you let me go.
442
00:17:11,842 --> 00:17:14,120
- so I'm just a rebound thing.
443
00:17:14,143 --> 00:17:17,028
- I'm sorry, agnes,
But I can't marry you.
444
00:17:17,051 --> 00:17:18,338
It's nothing you've done.
445
00:17:18,361 --> 00:17:20,861
But my heart
Is promised to another.
446
00:17:20,885 --> 00:17:23,608
- well,
If you choose her over me,
447
00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:25,590
You're as crazy as she is.
448
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:29,763
He's all yours,
Hellka o'slutsky.
449
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,151
- is your heart
Really promised to me, max?
450
00:17:34,174 --> 00:17:36,482
- it's promised
To the cleveland clinic,
451
00:17:36,506 --> 00:17:38,625
But until then,
It beats only for you.
452
00:17:38,648 --> 00:17:41,020
- are you asking me
To marry you again?
453
00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:41,978
- yes!
454
00:17:42,001 --> 00:17:45,141
- then, yes, again.
455
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:48,112
- since we're here,
Could we tie the knot now?
456
00:17:48,136 --> 00:17:51,786
- I'm not gonna get married
All crazy in a bathrobe,
457
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:55,492
Looking like joy.
458
00:17:55,515 --> 00:17:57,090
- you look beautiful to me.
459
00:17:57,113 --> 00:17:58,592
But I'll wait if you want.
460
00:17:58,615 --> 00:18:00,221
But I'd like to rehearse
461
00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:04,054
Just one little part
Of our future wedding.
462
00:18:04,078 --> 00:18:06,664
May I kiss the bride now?
463
00:18:20,179 --> 00:18:21,626
- hey, elka,
I think we all want to say
464
00:18:21,649 --> 00:18:24,278
That we're very sorry
That we ruined your hearing.
465
00:18:24,301 --> 00:18:26,546
- oh, it's okay.
466
00:18:26,568 --> 00:18:27,856
I might go to jail,
467
00:18:27,878 --> 00:18:29,549
But I have my max back.
468
00:18:29,572 --> 00:18:32,073
- oh, the crazy things
We do for men.
469
00:18:32,096 --> 00:18:35,268
- oh, kirk was just
So handsome and...
470
00:18:35,290 --> 00:18:37,217
And...
471
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,463
What else was he?
472
00:18:38,486 --> 00:18:41,371
- well, he wasn't
Particularly clever.
473
00:18:41,394 --> 00:18:43,606
- or romantic.
- or interesting.
474
00:18:43,629 --> 00:18:46,193
- or, face it, a good lawyer.
475
00:18:46,216 --> 00:18:48,174
- yeah, but if I get
An all-female jury,
476
00:18:48,197 --> 00:18:51,752
I've got it made.
477
00:18:51,775 --> 00:18:53,798
- you know, for me,
It wasn't even about kirk.
478
00:18:53,821 --> 00:18:56,450
I just wanted to feel
As fabulous as you guys.
479
00:18:56,473 --> 00:18:58,271
Yes,
I get jealous sometimes.
480
00:18:58,294 --> 00:19:00,188
- of me? That's crazy.
481
00:19:00,211 --> 00:19:03,051
- I'll say.
482
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:06,736
- I'm jealous of you.
483
00:19:06,759 --> 00:19:08,270
You're so sexy and adorable.
484
00:19:08,293 --> 00:19:09,932
Of course a guy's
Gonna go for you.
485
00:19:09,955 --> 00:19:11,816
- yeah, well,
I'm jealous of both of you.
486
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,756
Those legs and that smile,
487
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,992
What guy would choose me?
488
00:19:17,014 --> 00:19:18,558
- oh, please,
You've got to be joking.
489
00:19:18,581 --> 00:19:22,519
You are so glamorous,
So gorgeous...
490
00:19:22,542 --> 00:19:25,842
- well, that's true.
491
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,472
- you're all hot.
492
00:19:27,494 --> 00:19:29,484
You're all fabulous.
493
00:19:29,507 --> 00:19:32,135
You're all alone.
494
00:19:32,159 --> 00:19:33,094
See ya, losers.
495
00:19:33,117 --> 00:19:35,298
I got a date.
35272
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