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1
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- hot in cleveland is recorded
2
00:00:01,587 --> 00:00:03,799
In front of a live
Studio audience.
3
00:00:03,823 --> 00:00:06,368
- airplane mirrors
Aren't accurate, are they?
4
00:00:06,392 --> 00:00:07,569
- oh, god, no.
- of course not.
5
00:00:07,593 --> 00:00:11,239
They get them from fun houses.
6
00:00:11,263 --> 00:00:12,707
- excuse me, are you...
7
00:00:12,731 --> 00:00:14,242
- yes, yes.
8
00:00:14,266 --> 00:00:15,710
I am victoria chase.
9
00:00:15,734 --> 00:00:17,646
One tries to be inconspicuous.
10
00:00:17,670 --> 00:00:18,847
- yes.
11
00:00:18,871 --> 00:00:21,817
That hat screams, "Ignore me."
12
00:00:21,841 --> 00:00:24,052
- you know, some fans are
Reluctant to approach me
13
00:00:24,076 --> 00:00:25,787
ever since the edge of
Tomorrow was cancelled.
14
00:00:25,811 --> 00:00:28,757
Playing honor saint
Raven for the past 27 years
15
00:00:28,781 --> 00:00:31,660
Has been a privilege and
It is always so gratifying
16
00:00:31,684 --> 00:00:35,363
To meet those that I
Have moved and touched.
17
00:00:35,387 --> 00:00:36,731
- actually, what I
Was going to ask was,
18
00:00:36,755 --> 00:00:40,068
"Are you comfortable?"
19
00:00:40,092 --> 00:00:42,337
- no, but I will be when
You bring me a drink.
20
00:00:42,361 --> 00:00:44,306
- champagne, three.
- right away.
21
00:00:44,330 --> 00:00:46,975
- okay, victoria, put
Away your phone.
22
00:00:46,999 --> 00:00:48,610
Joy, put away your spreadsheets,
23
00:00:48,634 --> 00:00:49,844
I want to have a toast.
24
00:00:49,868 --> 00:00:52,080
Thank you.
25
00:00:52,104 --> 00:00:53,715
Here's to number 122.
26
00:00:53,739 --> 00:00:56,818
Cash in your miles and fly to
Paris with your best friends.
27
00:00:56,842 --> 00:00:58,987
Woo-hoo!
28
00:00:59,011 --> 00:01:01,256
This is gonna be fun.
- yes.
29
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,692
Ooh.
30
00:01:03,716 --> 00:01:04,893
- oh, I'm gonna get a napkin.
31
00:01:04,917 --> 00:01:08,664
Be right back.
32
00:01:10,889 --> 00:01:12,133
Anders is on the plane.
33
00:01:12,157 --> 00:01:13,869
- your husband, anders?
34
00:01:13,893 --> 00:01:15,537
- oh, my god. Oh,
My god. Oh, my god.
35
00:01:15,561 --> 00:01:16,804
- just calm down.
36
00:01:16,828 --> 00:01:18,040
You didn't know he
Was going to paris?
37
00:01:18,064 --> 00:01:19,674
- we haven't spoken to
Each other in months.
38
00:01:19,698 --> 00:01:20,709
Our lawyers told us not to.
39
00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:21,943
- your lawyers are right.
40
00:01:21,967 --> 00:01:23,845
Ignore him.
41
00:01:23,869 --> 00:01:25,749
It's just a hideous coincidence.
42
00:01:27,172 --> 00:01:29,784
- yeah, but what if
It's not a coincidence?
43
00:01:29,808 --> 00:01:31,386
What if he's missing me too?
44
00:01:31,410 --> 00:01:33,922
And los angeles was filled
With so many sad memories,
45
00:01:33,946 --> 00:01:38,092
He's flying to paris
To fill a void in his life?
46
00:01:38,116 --> 00:01:39,428
What if this is our
47
00:01:39,452 --> 00:01:41,230
"Meet on top of the empire
State building" moment?
48
00:01:41,254 --> 00:01:43,565
- have you been watching
Sleepless in seattle again?
49
00:01:43,589 --> 00:01:44,899
- no.
50
00:01:44,923 --> 00:01:46,334
Yes.
51
00:01:46,358 --> 00:01:48,703
But I got it down
To once a month.
52
00:01:48,727 --> 00:01:50,572
- you know, I was up
For a part in that movie.
53
00:01:50,596 --> 00:01:52,774
- of course you were.
54
00:01:52,798 --> 00:01:54,175
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
55
00:01:54,199 --> 00:01:57,779
- remember, romantic comedies
Are like cellulite cures.
56
00:01:57,803 --> 00:02:00,282
Every one of them is a lie.
57
00:02:00,306 --> 00:02:03,985
- oh.
- oh, my goodness.
58
00:02:04,009 --> 00:02:05,687
- wow. Melanie.
59
00:02:05,711 --> 00:02:07,022
- anders.
- wow.
60
00:02:07,046 --> 00:02:08,457
I didn't see you
Get on the plane.
61
00:02:08,481 --> 00:02:10,292
What a surprise.
62
00:02:10,316 --> 00:02:12,226
- you're the one
Full of surprises.
63
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:14,529
Traveling to europe,
Reading fiction,
64
00:02:14,553 --> 00:02:16,231
And drinking club soda?
65
00:02:16,255 --> 00:02:17,566
- I know.
66
00:02:17,590 --> 00:02:19,367
Where's your workaholic
Drunk of a husband, huh?
67
00:02:19,391 --> 00:02:23,305
- well, I'm divorcing
Him, but you...
68
00:02:23,329 --> 00:02:26,808
- hi, I'm kim.
69
00:02:26,832 --> 00:02:30,767
- hi... Kim.
70
00:02:33,405 --> 00:02:35,183
- I haven't even
Gone on a date yet
71
00:02:35,207 --> 00:02:38,386
And he's taking
His fiancee to paris.
72
00:02:38,410 --> 00:02:40,922
And she's so young.
73
00:02:40,946 --> 00:02:42,390
She's half my age.
74
00:02:42,414 --> 00:02:45,260
- well, darling, that
Really isn't that young.
75
00:02:45,284 --> 00:02:46,895
- my fake age.
76
00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:49,831
- oh, my god. She's a child.
77
00:02:49,855 --> 00:02:54,269
- I say we kill him and make
His underage whore watch.
78
00:02:54,293 --> 00:02:56,304
- listen, I know
How painful this is,
79
00:02:56,328 --> 00:02:58,373
But maybe... Maybe
This is your chance
80
00:02:58,397 --> 00:03:01,009
To finally move on.
81
00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:03,244
Oh, mel, you deserve
So much better.
82
00:03:03,268 --> 00:03:04,645
- she's right.
83
00:03:04,669 --> 00:03:06,982
You're the kindest, most
Loving person in the world.
84
00:03:07,006 --> 00:03:09,651
- I hope the plane crashes
And kills them both.
85
00:03:10,943 --> 00:03:11,987
- make it stop!
86
00:03:12,011 --> 00:03:14,089
- she didn't cause this!
87
00:03:14,113 --> 00:03:16,158
- whoa!
- make it stop!
88
00:03:16,182 --> 00:03:18,026
This is captain reid speaking.
89
00:03:18,050 --> 00:03:19,394
All passengers and
Flight attendants
90
00:03:19,418 --> 00:03:22,130
Please take your seats
And fasten your seat belts.
91
00:03:25,157 --> 00:03:26,934
- I knew something
Like this would happen.
92
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,971
All the great ones
Go down in planes.
93
00:03:29,995 --> 00:03:32,173
- we've been cleared for
An emergency landing.
94
00:03:32,197 --> 00:03:33,197
Please remain calm.
95
00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:36,878
- my god!
96
00:03:36,902 --> 00:03:38,713
All I cared about
Was being successful,
97
00:03:38,737 --> 00:03:40,882
And now I'm gonna die
And I never got married
98
00:03:40,906 --> 00:03:42,617
Or had children!
99
00:03:42,641 --> 00:03:45,019
- and I never won
A daytime emmy!
100
00:03:45,043 --> 00:03:46,154
Not even the season
101
00:03:46,178 --> 00:03:49,157
I so courageously
Battled lyme disease!
102
00:03:49,181 --> 00:03:51,126
- and I've never done
Anything impulsive
103
00:03:51,150 --> 00:03:54,529
Except get on this plane
And look where that got me!
104
00:03:54,553 --> 00:03:57,598
- I need everyone
To brace for impact.
105
00:03:57,622 --> 00:03:58,799
- I love you guys.
106
00:03:58,823 --> 00:04:00,468
- I love you too.
107
00:04:00,492 --> 00:04:02,370
- and I swear that
If I survive this,
108
00:04:02,394 --> 00:04:04,373
I am going to
Stop being so vain.
109
00:04:04,397 --> 00:04:06,074
- and scared of everything.
110
00:04:06,098 --> 00:04:09,110
- and I'm never gonna
Complain about anything
111
00:04:09,134 --> 00:04:11,747
Ever, ever again.
112
00:04:14,373 --> 00:04:16,218
- we have safely
Landed in cleveland.
113
00:04:16,242 --> 00:04:20,088
All: cleveland?
114
00:04:22,715 --> 00:04:24,993
- ♪ ba ba ba ba ♪
115
00:04:25,017 --> 00:04:27,028
♪ ba ba ba ba ♪
116
00:04:27,052 --> 00:04:28,096
♪ ♪
117
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,697
- well, great.
118
00:04:29,721 --> 00:04:32,934
My husband's engaged and
We're in a dive bar in cleveland.
119
00:04:32,958 --> 00:04:34,602
- look, I googled "Cleveland"
And "Get hammered,"
120
00:04:34,626 --> 00:04:36,871
And this is what came up.
121
00:04:36,895 --> 00:04:40,297
Along with some very
Disturbing pictures of drew carey.
122
00:04:43,235 --> 00:04:46,114
- why are the men
Looking at us like that?
123
00:04:46,138 --> 00:04:50,218
- no, I get recognized a
Lot, but this is different.
124
00:04:50,242 --> 00:04:54,121
- I remember that
Look. It's... Desire.
125
00:04:54,145 --> 00:04:56,391
- oh.
126
00:04:56,415 --> 00:04:59,060
- they're looking at us.
127
00:04:59,084 --> 00:05:01,629
in l.A., they look past us.
128
00:05:01,653 --> 00:05:02,763
- ladies.
- how you doing?
129
00:05:02,787 --> 00:05:03,865
- yeah.
- how you doing?
130
00:05:03,889 --> 00:05:07,435
- hello.
- hey.
131
00:05:07,459 --> 00:05:10,071
- I feel young and hot...
132
00:05:10,095 --> 00:05:11,606
Like they're undressing
Me with their eyes
133
00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:14,209
And not finding spanx.
134
00:05:14,233 --> 00:05:16,844
- to think that we spend
All that time and effort
135
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:18,713
And money trying to
Look ten years younger
136
00:05:18,737 --> 00:05:20,648
And ten pounds lighter,
And all we had to do
137
00:05:20,672 --> 00:05:22,617
Was crash-land in cleveland.
138
00:05:22,641 --> 00:05:25,987
- where all the men
Look like real men
139
00:05:26,011 --> 00:05:28,589
And the women
Look like real women.
140
00:05:28,613 --> 00:05:33,428
- and everyone's eating
And no one's ashamed.
141
00:05:33,452 --> 00:05:35,496
- I'm gonna order chili fries.
142
00:05:37,656 --> 00:05:39,233
- are your chili fries good?
143
00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,570
- can lebron james jump?
144
00:05:41,594 --> 00:05:44,739
- can who do what now?
145
00:05:44,763 --> 00:05:47,575
- they're good.
146
00:05:47,599 --> 00:05:50,378
- we'll have three orders and...
147
00:05:50,402 --> 00:05:51,580
Three not-light beers.
148
00:05:52,872 --> 00:05:55,517
- coming right up, and the
Guys at that table over there
149
00:05:55,541 --> 00:05:57,586
Would like for you to join them.
150
00:05:57,610 --> 00:06:01,957
- look how adorably
Heterosexual they are.
151
00:06:01,981 --> 00:06:05,260
In l.A., it's always a question.
152
00:06:05,284 --> 00:06:07,261
Okay, girls.
153
00:06:07,285 --> 00:06:08,529
Let's go have some fun.
154
00:06:08,553 --> 00:06:09,764
- oh, why the hell not?
- wait, wait, wait.
155
00:06:09,788 --> 00:06:11,165
Are you sure?
156
00:06:11,189 --> 00:06:13,234
- we appear to have
Landed in a dimension
157
00:06:13,258 --> 00:06:15,603
Where men hit on
Women their own age.
158
00:06:15,627 --> 00:06:20,041
We owe it to science
To investigate.
159
00:06:20,065 --> 00:06:22,277
- oh, are you guys leaving?
160
00:06:22,301 --> 00:06:24,546
- no, we're just pulling
Your chairs out for you.
161
00:06:24,570 --> 00:06:27,215
- ♪ they have gentlemen here ♪
- nice.
162
00:06:29,775 --> 00:06:31,519
- have an onion ring.
- wow.
163
00:06:31,543 --> 00:06:33,187
I might do that.
164
00:06:33,211 --> 00:06:34,789
- hi, my name is hank.
165
00:06:34,813 --> 00:06:36,157
- hi, hank. Melanie.
166
00:06:36,181 --> 00:06:37,825
- I'm bill.
- james.
167
00:06:37,849 --> 00:06:39,394
- and this is joy and I'm...
168
00:06:39,418 --> 00:06:40,461
- we know who you are.
169
00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:42,230
Victoria chase.
170
00:06:42,254 --> 00:06:43,631
- I got addicted to
Edge of tomorrow
171
00:06:43,655 --> 00:06:44,999
One summer I got laid up.
172
00:06:45,023 --> 00:06:46,701
It was the year you
Were honor saint raven
173
00:06:46,725 --> 00:06:48,470
And her evil sister
Silver saint raven.
174
00:06:48,494 --> 00:06:51,906
- and her even eviler
Sister magnolia saint raven.
175
00:06:53,632 --> 00:06:55,710
You know, many daytime
Actors have done dual roles,
176
00:06:55,734 --> 00:06:58,613
But I was the first
One to tackle a triple.
177
00:06:58,637 --> 00:07:01,582
And the emmy goes to...
178
00:07:01,606 --> 00:07:03,451
Susan lucci.
179
00:07:03,475 --> 00:07:05,687
Finally!
180
00:07:05,711 --> 00:07:07,621
- so, melanie, are
You an actress too?
181
00:07:07,645 --> 00:07:09,757
- oh, no, no.
182
00:07:09,781 --> 00:07:11,459
- oh, well, you could be.
183
00:07:11,483 --> 00:07:13,294
You know, you remind me of
That really pretty actress
184
00:07:13,318 --> 00:07:15,629
Who was in that... That movie.
185
00:07:15,653 --> 00:07:17,498
I can't remember her name.
186
00:07:17,522 --> 00:07:22,170
- it doesn't matter.
187
00:07:22,194 --> 00:07:24,139
- so what brings you guys here?
188
00:07:24,163 --> 00:07:26,274
- well, actually, we're
On our way to paris.
189
00:07:26,298 --> 00:07:27,708
- yes, melanie wrote
This book called
190
00:07:27,732 --> 00:07:29,678
200 things every woman
Should do before she dies,
191
00:07:29,702 --> 00:07:32,914
And she figured she really
Should do at least one of them.
192
00:07:32,938 --> 00:07:36,184
- yes, and number 122 is fly to
Paris with your best friends.
193
00:07:36,208 --> 00:07:38,519
- wow. A writer and an actress.
194
00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:40,021
So what do you do?
195
00:07:40,045 --> 00:07:43,024
- you're looking at the
Eyebrow queen of beverly hills.
196
00:07:43,048 --> 00:07:45,026
I do a lot of celebrities.
197
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:46,394
Mostly women.
198
00:07:46,418 --> 00:07:48,630
Oprah, cher, ryan seacrest.
199
00:07:52,558 --> 00:07:53,802
- shot in the dark.
200
00:07:53,826 --> 00:07:56,071
Are you ladies all unattached?
201
00:07:56,095 --> 00:07:57,739
- at the moment.
202
00:07:57,763 --> 00:07:59,573
Melanie's going
Through a divorce
203
00:07:59,597 --> 00:08:01,776
And victoria's been
Married, like, 20 times.
204
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,377
- which in l.A. Is, like, five,
205
00:08:03,401 --> 00:08:06,414
And for an actress
Is barely one.
206
00:08:06,438 --> 00:08:08,049
- here we go, ladies.
207
00:08:08,073 --> 00:08:10,317
- oh, wow.
208
00:08:11,976 --> 00:08:13,954
- only cheese fries?
209
00:08:13,978 --> 00:08:18,859
You girls are light eaters, huh?
210
00:08:18,883 --> 00:08:20,661
- to cleveland!
211
00:08:27,259 --> 00:08:28,836
- god, what were we thinking?
212
00:08:28,860 --> 00:08:32,507
Alcohol and salt and trans fats?
213
00:08:32,531 --> 00:08:33,842
- I know.
214
00:08:33,866 --> 00:08:35,577
French fry grease
Is literally sweating
215
00:08:35,601 --> 00:08:38,713
From my pores.
216
00:08:40,872 --> 00:08:43,385
- I wonder if mel's up yet.
217
00:08:43,409 --> 00:08:48,890
- I'll call her.
218
00:08:48,914 --> 00:08:51,993
Melanie moretti's room, please.
219
00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:53,194
Really?
220
00:08:53,218 --> 00:08:56,898
She never checked in.
221
00:08:56,922 --> 00:08:58,066
Should we be worried?
222
00:08:58,090 --> 00:08:59,200
- no, it's melanie.
223
00:08:59,224 --> 00:09:03,104
She never does anything crazy.
224
00:09:06,732 --> 00:09:10,545
- I'm moving to cleveland.
225
00:09:10,569 --> 00:09:14,682
- you're such a little slut.
226
00:09:14,706 --> 00:09:17,484
- I know, right?
227
00:09:17,508 --> 00:09:18,585
Oh, my god.
228
00:09:18,609 --> 00:09:22,223
You guys, hank is so
Amazing and sweet.
229
00:09:22,247 --> 00:09:25,860
He told me that I was luscious.
230
00:09:25,884 --> 00:09:28,362
He said I was delicious.
231
00:09:28,386 --> 00:09:33,802
- I tell you, it's the
French fry grease.
232
00:09:33,826 --> 00:09:35,536
- he's a plumber.
233
00:09:36,829 --> 00:09:38,206
Right? Right?
234
00:09:38,230 --> 00:09:40,008
I mean, how many times
Have we fantasized
235
00:09:40,032 --> 00:09:43,278
About a man who could
Actually fix things?
236
00:09:43,302 --> 00:09:46,147
He showed me all around
Cleveland and I'm telling you,
237
00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:47,482
It's nothing like we think.
238
00:09:47,506 --> 00:09:50,217
They have symphonies and
Museums and light opera.
239
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:51,652
Okay, so nobody really
Likes those things,
240
00:09:51,676 --> 00:09:53,788
But they have 'em!
241
00:09:53,812 --> 00:09:55,457
- listen, we hear
What you're saying,
242
00:09:55,481 --> 00:09:58,960
But you've lost
Your freaking mind.
243
00:09:58,984 --> 00:10:01,128
- I'm telling you, you guys,
I'm moving to cleveland.
244
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:04,098
- melanie, friends don't let
Friends move to cleveland.
245
00:10:04,122 --> 00:10:07,057
- just take a look
At this listing.
246
00:10:11,530 --> 00:10:15,142
- "For sale or lease,
Victorian with guest cottage,
247
00:10:15,166 --> 00:10:17,211
7,000 square feet..."
248
00:10:17,235 --> 00:10:21,415
Well, that price has
Got to be missing a zero.
249
00:10:21,439 --> 00:10:22,884
- oh, my god.
250
00:10:22,908 --> 00:10:24,651
- I know, right?
It's amazing, huh?
251
00:10:24,675 --> 00:10:27,388
- no, it's a picture of oprah.
252
00:10:27,412 --> 00:10:29,123
Look at those brows.
253
00:10:29,147 --> 00:10:31,425
That's not my arch.
254
00:10:31,449 --> 00:10:33,328
She's being plucked
By someone else.
255
00:10:33,352 --> 00:10:35,330
- it was probably retouched.
256
00:10:35,354 --> 00:10:37,231
I mean, I get all
Of my photos...
257
00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:40,334
I mean, I hear that
People do do that.
258
00:10:40,358 --> 00:10:43,004
- I've built my business
On being the salon
259
00:10:43,028 --> 00:10:44,972
That does oprah's brows.
260
00:10:44,996 --> 00:10:47,274
This is the work of that
Russian chick on rodeo.
261
00:10:47,298 --> 00:10:51,278
Bloody foreigners.
262
00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:54,148
- well, would looking at
Cheap real estate cheer you up?
263
00:10:54,172 --> 00:10:58,786
- probably not, but I just
Can't lie here licking my wounds.
264
00:10:58,810 --> 00:11:00,744
Although...
265
00:11:05,684 --> 00:11:06,828
- I love it.
266
00:11:06,852 --> 00:11:08,195
I'll take it.
267
00:11:08,219 --> 00:11:09,664
- what are you doing?
268
00:11:09,688 --> 00:11:11,699
We're getting on a plane
For paris tomorrow.
269
00:11:11,723 --> 00:11:13,867
- I was going to
Paris to find romance,
270
00:11:13,891 --> 00:11:18,573
But I've found it here, and
I get to keep all my miles.
271
00:11:18,597 --> 00:11:19,741
- melanie, this is crazy.
272
00:11:19,765 --> 00:11:21,575
- look, it's a
Month-to-month lease,
273
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:23,711
And a month here costs
The same as a night in paris.
274
00:11:23,735 --> 00:11:25,847
Here you go.
- and here you go.
275
00:11:25,871 --> 00:11:27,882
Now there's just one
Thing about this place
276
00:11:27,906 --> 00:11:29,584
That I should mention.
277
00:11:29,608 --> 00:11:31,819
- why are you renting
To prostitutes?
278
00:11:36,882 --> 00:11:39,260
- this is elka ostrovsky.
279
00:11:39,284 --> 00:11:41,429
She's a caretaker who
Comes with the house,
280
00:11:41,453 --> 00:11:42,597
If you wish to retain her.
281
00:11:42,621 --> 00:11:44,833
She stays out in
The guest cottage.
282
00:11:44,857 --> 00:11:47,702
I'll leave you to get
All that worked out.
283
00:11:51,863 --> 00:11:53,875
- hi. I'm melanie.
284
00:11:53,899 --> 00:11:55,276
I'm gonna be leasing the place.
285
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:57,411
- I've been the
Caretaker of this house
286
00:11:57,435 --> 00:12:01,716
For 50 years, but
You can kick me out.
287
00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:03,584
I... I wouldn't...
288
00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:04,886
- oh, no worries.
289
00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:06,687
If you can escape
From the nazis,
290
00:12:06,711 --> 00:12:09,424
You can handle anything.
291
00:12:09,448 --> 00:12:11,960
- you escaped from the nazis?
292
00:12:11,984 --> 00:12:17,131
- escaping from the nazis
Was the least of my worries.
293
00:12:17,155 --> 00:12:20,735
- well, you don't
Hear that very often.
294
00:12:20,759 --> 00:12:23,604
So what are you, like, 100?
295
00:12:23,628 --> 00:12:25,740
- I don't like you.
296
00:12:27,432 --> 00:12:29,243
Aren't you that
Girl from that show?
297
00:12:29,267 --> 00:12:31,579
- yes, yes, I am. Are you a fan?
298
00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:35,149
- no.
299
00:12:35,173 --> 00:12:39,119
When it was cancelled,
I said, "Good riddance."
300
00:12:39,143 --> 00:12:43,224
But I do like that
One with susan lucci.
301
00:12:47,285 --> 00:12:50,698
- does anyone else smell pot?
302
00:12:50,722 --> 00:12:52,467
- what are you, a cop?
303
00:12:52,491 --> 00:12:54,268
- no.
304
00:12:54,292 --> 00:12:56,337
- then what's it to you?
305
00:12:59,531 --> 00:13:01,409
- I can't wait to tell hank.
306
00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:02,477
He said he'd call.
307
00:13:02,501 --> 00:13:06,747
Both: they all say they'll call.
308
00:13:09,207 --> 00:13:12,753
- ah, it's him. It's him.
309
00:13:12,777 --> 00:13:14,989
- that's shameful.
310
00:13:15,013 --> 00:13:19,961
I haven't even looked
At another man since 1949.
311
00:13:19,985 --> 00:13:22,330
When the husband dies, you die.
312
00:13:22,354 --> 00:13:24,799
- but you're not dead.
313
00:13:24,823 --> 00:13:27,534
- inside you die.
314
00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:30,704
Oh, you still
Maintain the shell.
315
00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:36,944
- I have a date.
316
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:39,847
My first date in 25 years.
317
00:13:39,871 --> 00:13:41,849
He wants me to meet him at
The windy highland marina.
318
00:13:41,873 --> 00:13:42,950
Do you know where that is?
319
00:13:42,974 --> 00:13:47,021
- it's where whores go.
320
00:13:47,045 --> 00:13:49,123
You're too old to act like this.
321
00:13:49,147 --> 00:13:50,224
- she's not old.
322
00:13:50,248 --> 00:13:51,693
40 is the new 30.
323
00:13:51,717 --> 00:13:53,361
- and 50 is the new 40.
324
00:13:53,385 --> 00:13:54,662
- what's 80?
325
00:13:54,686 --> 00:13:56,797
- it's still 80.
326
00:13:56,821 --> 00:14:02,003
- and I still don't like you.
327
00:14:02,027 --> 00:14:03,371
- well, apparently
I have a caretaker,
328
00:14:03,395 --> 00:14:04,672
Whatever that means.
329
00:14:04,696 --> 00:14:06,607
I also have a date.
330
00:14:06,631 --> 00:14:08,376
Hank is making dinner
For me on his boat.
331
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:12,580
- plumbers in cleveland
Can afford boats?
332
00:14:12,604 --> 00:14:13,914
- this is crazy.
333
00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:15,749
You're uprooting your
Whole life for some guy
334
00:14:15,773 --> 00:14:17,151
You met at a bar?
335
00:14:17,175 --> 00:14:19,320
- I mean, what do you
Even know about this guy?
336
00:14:19,344 --> 00:14:21,689
- I know that I've
Never felt so alive.
337
00:14:21,713 --> 00:14:22,890
And you know what?
338
00:14:22,914 --> 00:14:24,692
Maybe at our age,
339
00:14:24,716 --> 00:14:26,561
We're just supposed to
Pounce on these things.
340
00:14:26,585 --> 00:14:28,863
My kids are in college.
341
00:14:28,887 --> 00:14:32,366
Anders has clearly moved on.
342
00:14:32,390 --> 00:14:34,202
So why am I gonna
Rush back to l.A.
343
00:14:34,226 --> 00:14:37,105
And a very empty house?
344
00:14:37,129 --> 00:14:41,341
Don't wait up.
345
00:14:41,365 --> 00:14:42,710
- what are you doing?
346
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:44,612
- what melanie should have done.
347
00:14:44,636 --> 00:14:46,247
Googling hank.
348
00:14:46,271 --> 00:14:47,448
- ah, good idea.
349
00:14:47,472 --> 00:14:48,682
- let's find out about this guy.
350
00:14:48,706 --> 00:14:51,786
- put in "Hank,
Plumber, cleveland,
351
00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:54,254
Windy highland marina."
352
00:14:54,278 --> 00:14:56,591
- this is why the
Internet was invented:
353
00:14:56,615 --> 00:14:58,325
For men to find pictures
Of naked celebrities
354
00:14:58,349 --> 00:15:01,362
And women to cyber-stalk
The men they trust.
355
00:15:01,386 --> 00:15:02,430
- oh, look.
356
00:15:02,454 --> 00:15:03,831
Okay, here's an image of him
357
00:15:03,855 --> 00:15:06,334
From a month ago with...
358
00:15:06,358 --> 00:15:07,802
Both: his wife.
359
00:15:07,826 --> 00:15:11,994
- well, who didn't
See that coming?
360
00:15:17,803 --> 00:15:19,680
- so what would be on your list?
361
00:15:19,704 --> 00:15:21,916
- honestly?
- no, lie to me.
362
00:15:21,940 --> 00:15:23,184
- ha!
363
00:15:23,208 --> 00:15:28,189
Honestly, I have always
Wanted to learn...
364
00:15:28,213 --> 00:15:29,724
To tango.
365
00:15:29,748 --> 00:15:31,292
Yeah.
366
00:15:31,316 --> 00:15:32,960
Rose in my teeth. The whole bit.
367
00:15:32,984 --> 00:15:33,994
- oh, my god. Me too!
368
00:15:34,018 --> 00:15:35,029
- really?
- yes.
369
00:15:35,053 --> 00:15:36,130
Let's do it together.
370
00:15:36,154 --> 00:15:39,134
- that would be... I'd really...
371
00:15:39,158 --> 00:15:40,200
Really like that.
372
00:15:40,224 --> 00:15:44,505
Um, melanie, there's, uh...
373
00:15:44,529 --> 00:15:46,207
There's something I really
Think you should know,
374
00:15:46,231 --> 00:15:50,111
And I have been picturing
Myself telling you
375
00:15:50,135 --> 00:15:53,214
And coming up with these
Really awful scenarios.
376
00:15:53,238 --> 00:15:56,551
Both: he's married!
377
00:15:56,575 --> 00:15:59,954
- not that bad, but
Kind of like that.
378
00:15:59,978 --> 00:16:01,789
- oh, my god.
379
00:16:01,813 --> 00:16:03,724
That's what you were trying...
380
00:16:03,748 --> 00:16:05,292
Oh, my god.
- no.
381
00:16:05,316 --> 00:16:06,761
Melanie, please.
- oh, no, no.
382
00:16:06,785 --> 00:16:08,797
Please don't. Stop, stop, stop!
383
00:16:08,821 --> 00:16:10,531
- you can just leave.
384
00:16:10,555 --> 00:16:12,200
- but this is my boat.
385
00:16:12,224 --> 00:16:15,803
- just go!
386
00:16:15,827 --> 00:16:17,561
- please just don't.
387
00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:24,078
- honey, what can we do?
388
00:16:24,102 --> 00:16:26,614
- let's kill him.
389
00:16:26,638 --> 00:16:28,382
- that's your solution
To everything.
390
00:16:28,406 --> 00:16:31,352
- well, could we
Just try it once?
391
00:16:31,376 --> 00:16:37,158
- I just wanted to
Feel young and stupid.
392
00:16:37,182 --> 00:16:39,861
Now I just feel stupid.
393
00:16:39,885 --> 00:16:41,863
Stupid and old.
394
00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:43,364
- you're not old.
395
00:16:43,388 --> 00:16:44,999
40 is the new 25.
396
00:16:45,023 --> 00:16:47,102
- I thought 40 was the new 30.
397
00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:48,736
- well, if we're just
Gonna make crap up,
398
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,106
I'd rather be 25.
399
00:16:52,498 --> 00:16:54,309
- excuse me.
- I said go away!
400
00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:55,643
- there's something
I need to say.
401
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:57,645
- I think you've said
And done quite enough.
402
00:16:57,669 --> 00:17:01,215
- I didn't go to that
Bar with this in mind,
403
00:17:01,239 --> 00:17:04,318
But then three incredibly
Beautiful, sophisticated women
404
00:17:04,342 --> 00:17:06,053
Came in and sat
Down at my table.
405
00:17:06,077 --> 00:17:08,022
- go on.
406
00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:14,595
- melanie, you were so
Breathtakingly beautiful
407
00:17:14,619 --> 00:17:16,130
That I couldn't stop myself.
408
00:17:16,154 --> 00:17:19,768
I am a plumber who's
Stuck in a bad marriage
409
00:17:19,792 --> 00:17:21,602
And who hurt someone
He never should have hurt.
410
00:17:21,626 --> 00:17:25,306
I am so sorry.
411
00:17:25,330 --> 00:17:26,674
- well, for
Sophisticated ladies,
412
00:17:26,698 --> 00:17:29,811
Maybe we shouldn't have
Burst in on you like that.
413
00:17:29,835 --> 00:17:31,946
But when one of
Us is in trouble,
414
00:17:31,970 --> 00:17:34,381
Then nothing else
In the world matters.
415
00:17:35,674 --> 00:17:36,984
Oh, my god. It's my agent.
416
00:17:37,008 --> 00:17:38,386
Okay, everybody, just shut up.
417
00:17:38,410 --> 00:17:40,989
He thinks I'm in paris.
418
00:17:41,013 --> 00:17:44,125
oui, hello?
419
00:17:44,149 --> 00:17:46,294
Yes? Hi.
420
00:17:46,318 --> 00:17:48,930
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
421
00:17:48,954 --> 00:17:51,265
Well, let's talk tomorrow.
422
00:17:51,289 --> 00:17:53,601
Well, I, uh, have an audition
423
00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:55,770
for the next transformers movie.
424
00:17:55,794 --> 00:17:57,972
- oh, what part?
425
00:17:57,996 --> 00:18:03,178
- to play megan
Fox's grandmother.
426
00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,680
- if anybody thinks you look
Like a grandma, they're crazy.
427
00:18:05,704 --> 00:18:07,081
- oh, thank you.
428
00:18:07,105 --> 00:18:08,183
He's a keeper.
429
00:18:13,845 --> 00:18:15,055
- oh, god.
430
00:18:15,079 --> 00:18:18,325
I don't want to audition
For grandmother parts.
431
00:18:18,349 --> 00:18:20,895
I loved being the
Queen of daytime.
432
00:18:20,919 --> 00:18:23,730
- I've put everything
Into my business.
433
00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:26,233
If that doesn't work
Out, I've got nothing.
434
00:18:26,257 --> 00:18:30,237
- or you have the chance
To change something.
435
00:18:30,261 --> 00:18:32,239
Number 72.
436
00:18:32,263 --> 00:18:35,843
Reinvent yourself.
437
00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:38,479
Oh, god. I really
Want to do that.
438
00:18:38,503 --> 00:18:41,314
I know it may sound crazy,
439
00:18:41,338 --> 00:18:44,652
But I think I want
To do that here.
440
00:18:44,676 --> 00:18:46,820
- you're not gonna
Become one of those women
441
00:18:46,844 --> 00:18:50,491
Who like themselves, are you?
442
00:18:50,515 --> 00:18:53,560
'cause everybody
Hates those women.
443
00:18:53,584 --> 00:18:55,963
- let me ask you something.
444
00:18:55,987 --> 00:19:00,367
What's the deal with
Old ladies and tracksuits?
445
00:19:00,391 --> 00:19:01,502
- well, it's simple.
446
00:19:01,526 --> 00:19:03,704
In your 20s, you dress for men.
447
00:19:03,728 --> 00:19:06,540
In your 40s, you
Dress for success.
448
00:19:06,564 --> 00:19:09,710
In your 80s, you dress
For the bathroom.
449
00:19:11,469 --> 00:19:14,670
Shove over, bones.
450
00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:25,025
So too bad about
That married guy.
451
00:19:25,049 --> 00:19:27,895
- oh, yeah.
452
00:19:27,919 --> 00:19:31,799
- when I was your age, we didn't
Get into that kind of trouble.
453
00:19:31,823 --> 00:19:35,135
My husband was the
Only man I ever dated.
454
00:19:35,159 --> 00:19:37,337
- well, didn't you ever
Want to try another one out,
455
00:19:37,361 --> 00:19:39,240
I mean, you know,
Just to compare?
456
00:19:43,635 --> 00:19:45,479
- well, that's a sinful thought.
457
00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:51,084
- so you okay, mel?
458
00:19:51,108 --> 00:19:52,853
- yeah, yeah, I'm
Good. I'm good.
459
00:19:52,877 --> 00:19:54,888
And you guys have a very
Early flight tomorrow,
460
00:19:54,912 --> 00:19:57,591
So please just go to paris
And have a wonderful time.
461
00:19:57,615 --> 00:19:58,926
- I don't know.
462
00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:02,329
Somehow I can't seem to get
Excited about paris anymore.
463
00:20:02,353 --> 00:20:04,064
No melanie.
464
00:20:04,088 --> 00:20:06,567
- you know, joy...
465
00:20:06,591 --> 00:20:08,001
Instead of two weeks in paris,
466
00:20:08,025 --> 00:20:09,969
We could spend two
Weeks in cleveland.
467
00:20:09,993 --> 00:20:13,207
I mean, the paris of ohio.
468
00:20:13,231 --> 00:20:15,175
- no, that's toledo.
469
00:20:18,269 --> 00:20:20,714
- so what should we do now?
470
00:20:20,738 --> 00:20:23,116
- I say we go to that bar
471
00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:24,518
Where the men think we're hot.
472
00:20:24,542 --> 00:20:26,586
- I'll drive.
33170
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