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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:34,880 - Wish us luck, then. - Yeah, 2 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:35,920 and we'll try not to 3 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,160 - get off with your dad. 4 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,760 Um, actually, if you could just wait here for a sec while we... 5 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:41,040 - Huh? - We'll be really quick. 6 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,640 - What do you mean? - We just need to nip in and... 7 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,880 I thought we were finally meeting your parents tonight. 8 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,520 No, no, you are finally meeting our parents tonight. 9 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,200 We just need to check on some stuff. 10 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,920 You mean threaten your mum and dad with an axe if they embarrass you. 11 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,840 - What?! 12 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,480 That's so what they're doing. 13 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,640 - Er, Adam? - I'll turn the radio on. 14 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,680 ...Both women were found shot in the head. 15 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,640 - Thanks. 16 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:03,280 Love you, babe! 17 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,560 - Rumbled. - A million percent. 18 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,800 - Ready? - Yep. 19 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,400 Candles?! 20 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,360 - Unbelievable! - Unbelievable! 21 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,440 - Flowers?! 22 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,520 Unbelievable! 23 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,240 - Music?! 24 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,640 Unbelievable! 25 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,480 - It's called soup. - Agh! 26 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:33,960 What you doing, you buggers? 27 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,000 Why are you in a suit? 28 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,160 - We said no suit. - Yeah! 29 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,160 Where's your females? 30 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,640 - "Females." - And you better not 31 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,880 get their names wrong tonight. 32 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:41,240 Gloria and Elizabeth? 33 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:42,440 - What? - No - Lucy - 34 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,880 they're both called Lucy! 35 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,840 - Are they? - Yes! 36 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,040 Now listen. Don't tell your mother - cos she's a bleeding stress ball tonight - 37 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,720 - but this soup is... - Are they here? 38 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,680 - Are they here?! - Shit. 39 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:58,120 - Where's the lovely Lucys? - It's OK, Mum, calm down. 40 00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,840 - Oh, don't say you've been dumped. - Huh? 41 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,160 I knew it - I knew they'd dump you! 42 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,600 Er, we haven't been dumped, thank you! 43 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,520 - Well, where are they, then? - They're in the car, but first... 44 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,880 The car?! What are they doing in the car?! 45 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,760 And what happened to my candles, and where are my flowers? 46 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,960 We said no candles and no flowers, remember? 47 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,680 Just let the girls in, will you? 48 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,240 And we definitely said no suit for Dad. 49 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,440 What? He looks nice. 50 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:20,440 He looks like an undertaker. 51 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,840 - Anus. - Charming. We said casual. 52 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,000 I am casual - it's my casual suit. 53 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,200 - It's your funeral suit. - Yes, for casual funerals. 54 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,480 Martin, just lose the bloody suit. 55 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,080 - God! 56 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:31,880 Is that them? 57 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,240 - Shit. OK - last-minute rules. 58 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,440 - Rules? - No embarrassing baby stories. 59 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,880 - Adam doing toilet on the stairs. - Jonny biting Grandma's bosoms. 60 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,320 No kissing us on the head. 61 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,680 And absolutely no crying or getting emotional. 62 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,120 So I should just be a machine, then, should I? 63 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,000 Yes. A silent machine. 64 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,480 - Come on. - And Dad! 65 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,080 - What? - No talking about the economy, 66 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,400 or Britain's bloody waterways. 67 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,040 Which are criminally underused. 68 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,360 Exactly. No physics, dustbins... 69 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,800 ADAM: ...or how you once saw a man kill a duck with a hammer. 70 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,280 Turkey with a brick. 71 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,480 - Maybe Dad should put his suit on again. - Oh, pissing hell! 72 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,880 Make your bloody mind up. 73 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:03,960 Right! 74 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:08,280 Oh, my Bobbles - both with girlfriends!! 75 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,640 - Mum... 76 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,240 - Mum! 77 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,440 Briefing over? 78 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,800 Really, they are such gorgeous flowers. Thank you, Lucy, 79 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,960 and thank you...Lucy! 80 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,280 Pleasure. 81 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,760 But my Lucy's flowers are slightly nicer than Adam's Lucy's flowers, 82 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,000 - aren't they, Mum? - Jonny! 83 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,040 Pissface. 84 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,120 Don't be silly, Jonathan - they are both gorgeous. 85 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,520 And so are the flowers! 86 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,160 - I like your mum already! - Me too! 87 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,640 Come through. 88 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,240 Good evening, everyone. 89 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,480 Ahh - the family undertaker. 90 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,560 A pleasure to meet you both. 91 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:44,800 - Hi. - Hello. 92 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,920 Martin, you're not the Prime Minister. 93 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,360 - What? M Goodman. - ALL: "M"? 94 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,320 Yes, M, you berks, for Martin. 95 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,200 As opposed to? 96 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,800 Martin with an F - "Fartin"! 97 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,040 He's just turned seven. 98 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,480 Come through. I love these flowers! 99 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,240 Lads - soup. 100 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:04,560 - What? - Huh? 101 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,160 - You all right? - Hmm? 102 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,240 Do sit anywhere, sweeties. 103 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,240 - Thanks. - Ooh, I'm loving the big photos! 104 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,320 - Oh, yeah. - Really? The boys hate them. 105 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,680 We do. 106 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,040 JACKIE: Silly. 107 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,320 Ooh! 108 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,240 Er...you can sit on Adam, if you like. 109 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,360 - Martin! - Um, I'm OK, thanks. 110 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,360 - He's a strong lad. - Dad! 111 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,520 Sorry - I didn't mean you were a big lass. 112 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:29,760 Um, that's good to know. 113 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,280 Martin! 114 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,600 Yes, do keep talking. 115 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,600 Ooh - the champagne. Go on. 116 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,680 Jackie has made chicken soup tonight. 117 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,760 Er, yes. Thank you. 118 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,720 And your waiter for this evening is... 119 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,040 - But if you don't want any, 120 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,840 that's not a problem at all. 121 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,640 That's not a weird thing to say. 122 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:48,600 Are you feeling all right? 123 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,960 - Hmm? - Well, I love chicken soup. 124 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,000 Oh, man, just give it to me in a bucket! 125 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,160 A bucket! 126 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,920 - Actually, make that two buckets! - And two straws! 127 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:00,680 Two straws! Oh, aren't they funny?! 128 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:01,880 BOYS: Yes, Mum. 129 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,720 Er, but if you do change your minds, other items are provided. 130 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,160 That's not a much weirder thing to say. 131 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,240 Just get the champagne, 132 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,520 - will you, weirdo? - Oh, yeah. 133 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:14,200 Cos I was meant to get the champagne when I was out buying the potatoes. 134 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,360 Yes, that's right. 135 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:17,880 You forgot the champagne, didn't you? 136 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,320 I remembered the potatoes. 137 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,320 Oh, Martin! 138 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,480 Seriously? 139 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,320 One second. Just talk to the girls, will you? 140 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,400 What? Of course I'll talk to the girls. 141 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,760 Rowrr! 142 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,000 Please don't talk to the girls. 143 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:34,560 Right, lads - come on. 144 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,640 - Sorry? - What? 145 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,600 - I need a word. - Well, go on, then. 146 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,440 Well, not in here, you pillocks. Not in front of the... 147 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,240 ...females. 148 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,320 BOTH LUCYS: "Females"? 149 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:43,720 Oh, my God. 150 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,880 In my, you know...office. 151 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,040 - Urgh. - Office means toilet. 152 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,000 Seriously, just get it over with. 153 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,120 - Get what over with? - "Females", obviously. 154 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,400 No, it's not females. Now, listen. 155 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,480 If it's about wearing a sheath again, 156 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,360 - well, I'm sorry, but... - There's glass in the soup. 157 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:02,200 - What? - There's what?! 158 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,680 Shh! I don't want your bloody mother to know! 159 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,960 There's some glass in the soup, all right? 160 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,320 - All right?! - Glass in the soup?! 161 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,520 What are you talking about? 162 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,080 - Well, you know what glass is? - BOTH: Yes. 163 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,600 - And you know what soup is? 164 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:14,960 Well, one of them is in the other. 165 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,360 - How? Why?! 166 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,280 Your mum asked me to stir the soup. 167 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,840 Her first error. And then I accidentally smashed the bulb 168 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,800 in the extractor fan thing above the pot and it sort of... 169 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,720 Exploded right into the soup? Oh, you're such a bloody idiot! 170 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:26,440 - Shut up! - Ow! 171 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,200 OK, so there's glass in the soup, and you want us not to tell Mum, 172 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,560 despite the fact that if she drinks any, she's going straight to hospital? 173 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,600 Yeah - should I call the ambulance now, or...? 174 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,240 She's not going to hospital, stupid babies! 175 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,080 Just don't say a bloody word, or she'll chop my sodding hands off. 176 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,440 - But Dad... - And you better not tell your birds. 177 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,440 - We're definitely telling our birds. - What?! 178 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:44,200 Why? 179 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,480 Why?! So they don't end up in intensive care! 180 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,040 Yeah. Next to Mum. 181 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,600 Nothing's going to happen - I sieved most of the stuff. 182 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,760 Most of it. 183 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,320 Yeah! And I picked out the main shards. 184 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,720 Oh, good, so the main shards of glass are gone. 185 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,480 What about the less main shards of glass? 186 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,680 Yeah, the ones that only pierce the less main organs when swallowed, 187 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,080 you know - like the oesophagus, 188 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,600 - or the spleen. 189 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,440 - Dad! 190 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,160 JACKIE: What are you doing in there? 191 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,800 Hello, my sweet. 192 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,360 - What are you all doing? It's rude. - Er... 193 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,320 ...just having a, you know, man-to-man chat. 194 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:16,920 Oh, I see. 195 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,360 Won't be long, love. 196 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,520 They're lovely girls! 197 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,080 And yet, only five minutes later, 198 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,200 she was tearing at her throat in agony. 199 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,680 Berk. So don't say a bloody word, OK? 200 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,080 It had to be tonight, didn't it? 201 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,600 Oh, stop fussing - a bit of glass never did anyone any harm. 202 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:35,480 - Huh? - What? 203 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,600 Just drink from the side of the bowl, don't touch anything on the bottom. 204 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,800 We have to eat glass. 205 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,320 There we are. Some chickieboo soup for you. 206 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,880 - And a nice big bucket for you! - Ha! 207 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:57,080 Thanks. 208 00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:00,640 Well, tuck in, everyone! Oh... 209 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,400 Silly me - I forgot my own spoon. 210 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,600 Or maybe I'll get myself a straw, eh, girls? 211 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,200 - I'm sorry, 212 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,880 but glass? You've got to tell your mum. 213 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,960 - Luce. - Obviously you have to tell her. 214 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,000 I know - but it doesn't really work like that 215 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,200 in this house, does it, Jonny? 216 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,040 No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad? 217 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,200 Mmm? 218 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,280 And you're going to drink that, are you? 219 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,920 What do you think I'm going to do with it? Funnel it up my bum? 220 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:24,400 Look, just drink from the side of the bowl, and you should be fine. 221 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,840 So we're just going to sit here 222 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,280 and watch your mum choke to death, are we? 223 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,240 It is sort of the easiest option. 224 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,680 Sorry, everyone. 225 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,240 How's the soup? 226 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,440 - Lovely. - It's really nice. 227 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:37,680 Aww, thanks. 228 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:39,920 So... 229 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:45,640 Er...the school I work in has just had a swimming pool put in. 230 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,760 Oh! Um, has it? 231 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,200 Yeah. Ha! 232 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,560 Erm, but, erm... 233 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:55,520 I wish our office had a swimming pool! 234 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:59,520 Oh, do you? And is it a nice big office, then? 235 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,640 Um, well, it's just two of us, really, but still, a pool would be nice. 236 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,000 Oh, God, yeah, 237 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,480 - a pool! 238 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,040 I'll get it. 239 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,040 And please - someone eat something! 240 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,960 Oh, my God - "a new swimming pool"? 241 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,240 And you're having more?! 242 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,360 Glass-Eater of the Year. 243 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,520 Shut your gobs! 244 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,520 Right, well, if you don't say anything, we bloody will. 245 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,360 Yeah! God - all right! 246 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,040 Gitfaces. 247 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,600 Erm, I'm really sorry, everyone, but... 248 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:30,800 Hello, all! 249 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,360 - Oh, no... - Hello, Jim. 250 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,520 Er, this is Jim. Our neighbour. 251 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,360 - Friend. - Neighbour. 252 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:38,760 Neighbour and friend. 253 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,440 - Er...? 254 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:44,960 Boys, your mother told me you'd both brought girls round 255 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,160 - for dinner. - Er, yes. 256 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,560 And are those the girls? 257 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:53,480 - I think so. - Yes, Jim, those are the girls. 258 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:54,920 Hello, girls. 259 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,560 - BOTH: Hi. - I'm Lucy. 260 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,520 I'm... I'm also Lucy. 261 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,160 So you're...one person... 262 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,920 ...in two bodies? 263 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,640 - What?! - Er, well, goodnight, Jim. 264 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:06,880 Oh, yes. 265 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,040 Oh, just to let you know, 266 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,120 Milson's been sick. 267 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,600 Right, well, thanks for letting us know. 268 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,120 All over your drive. 269 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,040 Wonderful. 270 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,560 - Here, Jackie. - Mmm. 271 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,120 A nice big bag of dog sick. 272 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,960 Maybe just put that in your bin when you get home? 273 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,200 Yes, of course, Jackie. In my bin. 274 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,440 Bye, all! 275 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,520 Yes, goodbye... 276 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,080 ...the Lucy. 277 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,840 - Erm, he seemed nice. - He's not. 278 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,000 So, you are gonna tell her, aren't you? 279 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,560 Oh, shut your face! 280 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,480 Oh, I do apologise. 281 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,760 Maybe we can all get back to our meal, then, eh? 282 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,200 Argh! 283 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,280 Are you all right, Martin? 284 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:58,080 Oh, I suddenly feel all...dizzy. 285 00:10:58,080 --> 00:10:59,160 JACKIE: Martin? 286 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:01,920 Er, what are you doing?! 287 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,680 So terribly dizzy. 288 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:04,680 Er... 289 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,080 Oh, my God. Why did you do that? 290 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,440 - Huh? - You just poured all my soup away! 291 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,680 Did I? I don't remember. 292 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:15,320 OK, just give me your soup, will you, and stop mucking about. 293 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,200 - Martin! 294 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,960 I am sorry, girls. 295 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,840 Ha! That's OK... 296 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,080 Well, come on, then. 297 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,040 Ohh, dizzy again. 298 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,040 Oh, my God. 299 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,240 - Arghhh! 300 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,360 - God! - Dad! 301 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:30,080 Jesus! 302 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,560 - Martin! - Burning! Burning! 303 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:38,520 That's better. 304 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,840 What the hell is wrong with you? 305 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,360 What? I told you, I just suddenly felt all... 306 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:54,560 OK. Are you trying to show off? Is that it? 307 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,040 Are you trying to impress the girls? The young girls? 308 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,560 - Impress the young girls?! - Cos I've got news for you, 309 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:02,440 Martin Goodman - they're your sons' girlfriends! 310 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,120 Jackie, you make it sound as if I'm having intercourse with them! 311 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,120 Er... 312 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,680 - Sorry. - Oh, hi. Thanks. 313 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,360 Just put them over there. 314 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,440 - The girls left everything. - Well... 315 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,040 ...maybe they're just not that mad on chicken soup. 316 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,720 Martin, they said they wanted to drink it out of a bloody bucket! 317 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,840 Oh, God! They hate my food. 318 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,240 Course they don't hate your food. 319 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,360 - They do! I've ruined everything. - Jackie... 320 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,480 They're gonna dump them, Martin, I know it. 321 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:34,840 - They're going to dump the boys! - Er... 322 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,240 Oh! 323 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,440 - Er... - Probably best 324 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,080 if we stop coming in and out of the kitchen. 325 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,080 Just wait in the bleeding dining room, will you?! 326 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,120 How kind. 327 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,720 Come on, Jackie. In a couple of minutes, we'll all be tucking in 328 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,120 - to your delicious roast chicken. - Which they'll hate. 329 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,240 They won't hate your chicken! 330 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,280 Oh, come here. 331 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:58,240 I know it sounds silly, Martin, but it's a big night for me. 332 00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,200 I know, love, I know. 333 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,960 A very big night. 334 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,840 Oh, Martin. 335 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,000 - Eh? - Who the hell's that? 336 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,920 Sick again, Jackie! 337 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,440 Here we are. 338 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,040 Ah, yes, the chicken - 339 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,040 which is without glass? 340 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,880 - Ow! 341 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,440 Right. 342 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:24,680 Chickieboo for you. 343 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:25,880 Thanks, Mum. 344 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,160 And chickieboo for you. 345 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,640 Chickieboo! 346 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:29,640 Chickiebooboo! 347 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:35,480 Girls, Jackie's made a fabulous roast chicken tonight, 348 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,560 and we both hope that you enjoy the taste. 349 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,080 - Er... thanks. - Thanks. 350 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,520 Please put your crack pipe away. 351 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,680 - Er, Jonny and I are going away tomorrow. - Are you? 352 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,200 Yeah, Lucy's taking me to Brighton for the weekend. Isn't that cool? 353 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,160 Aww, isn't that nice of her? 354 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,640 And so modern! 355 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,280 Well, it is the 19th century! 356 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,840 Are you going to take Adam away for the weekend? 357 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,240 Dad! 358 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,960 A dirty weekend?! 359 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,760 God! 360 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:06,760 Ignore him, love. 361 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,800 - Er...nice chicken? - God, it's good. 362 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,000 - Oh, it's so nice. - See, Jackie? 363 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,000 The girls don't hate your food. 364 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,080 So, what are you two up to this weekend, then? 365 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:26,280 Um, well, we thought we might just kinda do a lazy 366 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,760 pub lunch thing, you know? 367 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,800 Ooh, I love a pub lunch! 368 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,720 I'm sure it won't be as nice as this, though, Jackie. 369 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,320 - JACKIE: Thank you, sweetie! 370 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,120 Everything all right? 371 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,520 Mmm? 372 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,120 What are you looking at in there? 373 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,760 Girls, I think he's found those nails I added earlier! 374 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,480 What? 375 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,800 What?! 376 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,360 - There's glass in the chicken! - The food's got glass in it. 377 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,000 - Huh? - You bloody sods! 378 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:02,840 - Dad! - Dad! 379 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:03,840 Martin, oh, my God! 380 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,000 - Ow! 381 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,240 There's glass in the food? 382 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,640 - Um... - Er... 383 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:08,680 Don't you dare! 384 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,360 Sorry, Dad. Dad got glass in the chicken. 385 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,640 - Glass in the chicken. - You shitheads! 386 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,240 - And also in... - And also in the soup. 387 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,600 You shitting shitheads! 388 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,040 So there was glass in the food, and you didn't tell me? 389 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,080 Well, they didn't tell you, did they? 390 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,280 - Oh, my God! 391 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:21,600 That is so low! 392 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,800 I can't believe it! My entire dinner had bloody glass in it! 393 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,880 Not the bread. The bread didn't have glass in it. 394 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:27,800 Ow! 395 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,080 Do you know how long I sweated over this bloody meal? 396 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,200 - Mum... - And do you know 397 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,640 how long I've waited for this night? 398 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,840 For my boys to bring home... 399 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,720 ...their lovely girls? 400 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,760 Great. 401 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,240 Thanks a lot, arse-brains. 402 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:49,680 Jackie! 403 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,080 Jackie! 404 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,880 And that's our mum and dad. 405 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,840 - Here we are. 406 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,360 One extra-large gin and tonic. 407 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,600 Aw, thank you, darlings. 408 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,360 - That's all right. - Seriously, 409 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,880 you can have it in a bucket if you like. 410 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,200 Sorry, again, love. 411 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,720 Did you say something, Martin? 412 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,920 So...what are we going to have for dinner, then? 413 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,240 - I could make something. - Oh, sure. 414 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,120 Yeah, I think we've all swallowed enough glass tonight, thank you. 415 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,080 There's crumble. 416 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,400 We can't just eat crumble. 417 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,080 We can just eat crumble. Everyone loves crumble. 418 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,800 I could eat crumble out of a bloody... ...cement-mixer! 419 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,520 Make that two bloody cement-mixers! 420 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:32,880 With two bloody spades! 421 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,960 You're lovely girls. 422 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,000 - Right, then, crumble for dinner! - Yay! 423 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,040 Crimble crumble! 424 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,480 Crimble crumble! Aww. 425 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,080 Come on, girls. 426 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,640 Lovely Lucys. 427 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,920 OK - is there any glass in the crumble? 428 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,200 Piss off! 429 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,600 Da-da! 430 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,440 - Crimble crumble! - Crimble crumble! 431 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,200 What fun, eh, girls? 432 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,960 Oh, yeah. 433 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:05,400 Actually, Martin, why don't you, you know, say a few words? 434 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,600 A few words? 435 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,000 Go on, say something nice. 436 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,800 Um...OK, love. 437 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,600 And stand by. 438 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,320 - Hear ye! Hear ye! 439 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,680 - Oh, dear. - Dad! 440 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:20,080 - Oh, my God! - You idiot! 441 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,520 I can't believe it! You just got bloody glass in my crumble! 442 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,120 Jackie, it was an accident. 443 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:27,600 You've got glass in everything tonight! Everything! 444 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,040 Calm down, Jackie. 445 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,440 Don't tell me to effing calm down! 446 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,640 Mum! Right, just get out, will you? 447 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,200 - What? Really? - You heard me! 448 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,920 You've ruined the whole bloody night! Just get... 449 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,080 I'm pregnant! 450 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,360 I'm gonna have a baby. 451 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,120 Shi-i-i-it! 452 00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:51,280 I'm sorry? 453 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,840 She's... We're... 454 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,280 Lucy's having a baby. 455 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:58,960 You mean... 456 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,440 ...I'm going to be a grandma? 457 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,280 Well, that's sort of how it works. 458 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,160 Oh, my God! 459 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,880 Oh, Bobble! 460 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:14,000 - And sweetie-pie! - Aw, thank you, Jackie! 461 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,000 Oh, that's wonderful! 462 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,400 Yeah, nice one, Pusface. 463 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,760 - Cheers. - Yeah, I hated having babies. 464 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:22,920 Er...? 465 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,320 You basically spend the whole time up to your neck in excrement. 466 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,160 - Thank you. - Um... 467 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,760 ..I'm also pregnant. 468 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,040 - What? - What?! 469 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,360 I'm...pregnant as well. 470 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,120 - She's up the duff too? - Shh! 471 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,080 Shi-i-i-it. 472 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,840 You're pregnant? What do you mean you're pregnant? 473 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,120 Why didn't you tell me? 474 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,200 I was going to tell you when we were away, 475 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,400 and make it all special, 476 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,160 but then this happened... 477 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,640 ..and... 478 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,720 Well, aren't you happy? 479 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,440 He certainly looks happy. 480 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,680 Babe! 481 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:02,520 Of course I'm happy! 482 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,560 It's incredible! Oh, my God! 483 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,640 I can't bloody believe it! 484 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,960 Aww! Lovely Lucy! 485 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:16,120 And lovely Jonnyboo! 486 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,720 Well done, bambinos! 487 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,840 Just to say, I am definitely going to faint at some point this evening! 488 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,080 Wow. 489 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,400 Wow. 490 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:37,880 We're going to be dads. 491 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,320 I know. 492 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,360 Terrible dads. 493 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,840 Obviously terrible dads. 494 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,600 I guess we'll have to... 495 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,640 What? 496 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,480 Grow up. 497 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,240 I know. 498 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,800 You'll still put salt in my water, though, right? 499 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,120 Oh, yeah - salt, washing-up liquid, acid. 500 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,440 Cool. 501 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,440 'Scuse me. 502 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:00,760 What do you think, eh, Dad? 503 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,720 Well, you won't be needing sheaths for the next couple of months, will you? 504 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,800 - Thank you! 505 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,160 Grotty, isn't he? 506 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,320 Absolutely disgusting. 507 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,640 My boys! 508 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,400 - Please... - Oh, my Bobbles! 509 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,520 Mum! 510 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:19,720 Oh, I am so happy! I am so bloody happy! 511 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,520 Mum! 512 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,680 Go on, go and see your girls. 513 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,520 Oh, and if you ever do have a wedding, don't let your dad do the catering! 514 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:32,200 - You all right over there? - Yeah. 515 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:35,040 - Got some rotting egg on my... - I really don't want to know right now. 516 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,720 Course. Sorry. 517 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,080 We're going to be grandparents, Martin. 518 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,720 I know. I can't believe it. 519 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,920 Do you remember when the boys were little? 520 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,720 What, little shitting machines? 521 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,880 You're really not spoiling the moment, Martin. 522 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,000 Sorry, love. 523 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,240 It's wonderful, really, isn't it? 524 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,080 Yeah. 525 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,760 It's just lovely. 526 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,080 Yes! 527 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,520 You've done it, Jackie! 528 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,000 Grandchildren! 529 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,560 You've done it! 530 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,600 - Hello, Jackie! - Oh, Jim! 531 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:17,720 Jim, we've just had 532 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:21,560 - the most amazing news! - So have I, Jackie. 533 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,840 Milson's just had babies! 534 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,600 I just had no idea that Milson was pregnant. 535 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:38,600 Maybe that's why she kept vomiting all over the place. 536 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,760 - All over our place. - And to think, 537 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:46,040 I now have not just one dog, but a whole box full of dogs. 538 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,680 Come on...baby Milsons. 539 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:53,120 Aww. 540 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,280 Do you know what? I fancy a boogie. 541 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,440 Girls - a boogie? 542 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,800 - Oh, yeah! Always love a boogie! - I'll have a boogie! 543 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,120 I'm definitely not having a boogie. 544 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,040 - No way! - What's a boogie? 545 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,440 - Oh, that's a boogie. 546 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:16,600 Come on, Martin! 547 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,720 - Oh! - Horrible, isn't it? 548 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,000 It's like the start of some terrifying sex party. 549 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,080 It's all good though, innit, Pusface? 550 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,880 Yeah, Pissface. 551 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,160 It's all good. 552 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:40,600 Come on. 553 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,080 Turn it up, Martin, turn it up! 554 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,200 Oh, Martin! 555 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,080 Dad! 556 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:27,880 Shit on it. 38479

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