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1
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,760
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
2
00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,200
LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!
3
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:40,360
Jonny! Keep running!
4
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,040
Get off! What?
5
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,480
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
6
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,840
I did it! You weirdo.
7
00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,400
Running all the way.
8
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,720
Water! Water, please?
Ugh! Please?
9
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,680
My champion!
10
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,560
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
11
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,720
It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!
12
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,640
Come in, Adam.
13
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,720
YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!
14
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,120
My little Bobble.
15
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,040
Running home to Mummy.
16
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,360
That was a killer. Classic.
17
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,360
Ow!
18
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,480
Mum! Come through, sweetie.
19
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,120
Dead.
20
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,840
HE CHORTLES
21
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,760
Here you are, darling.
22
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,680
Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.
23
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,520
So brave? So disgusting!
24
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,120
SNIFFS
Oh, he stinks.
25
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,000
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?
26
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,560
You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!
27
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,120
TUTS
Oh, beef tonight.
28
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,480
Beef? Boom! Yes!
29
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:48,600
# Bring it on! #
30
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:51,080
And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,
31
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,640
you know, the ones we've never met?
32
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,440
You thought wrong.
Very wrong.
33
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,480
Oh, it is Dad's birthday.
34
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,600
Where is the birthday boy...er,
man?
35
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,000
And what is this doing here?
36
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,120
Cos your not-mad father made me
take it all down.
37
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,000
Did he? He's been such a
misery guts all day.
38
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,240
I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?
39
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,200
LAUGHS
Finally.
40
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,120
Wait! Just a minute.
41
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,720
There, Bobble. Really?
42
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,800
Good boy.
43
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,400
Good dog. Pissface!
44
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,880
Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS
45
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,120
Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday.
46
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,880
Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!
47
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,800
Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you
48
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:29,680
a happy birthday?! See?
49
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,240
Why are you dressed like a berk?
50
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,120
You are in a good mood, aren't you?
51
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,600
Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.
52
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,600
Why were you running again?
53
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,320
Cos he's a tit. Groin juice?
Don't you dare!
54
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,440
Don't you remember?
For his training.
55
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,240
The race, remember? Sunday?
56
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,800
What? Oh, yeah. The marathon.
57
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,800
It's not a marathon. Really?
58
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,320
You're running a marathon, aren't
you? Very good.
59
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,480
You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.
60
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,320
You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?
61
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,960
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?
62
00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,880
It's a half marathon. Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.
63
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,400
That's what I've been training for
a quarter marathon.
64
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,240
Quarter marathon? Does that even
exist?
65
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,800
I bet you couldn't run a quarter
marathon.
66
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,000
Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, 6.5 miles.
67
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,320
6.55 miles.
68
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,400
Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!
69
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,960
Boys, behave!
70
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,200
Pusface.
71
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,640
Did you make these?
72
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,880
Seriously, do you have to be
such a dick?
73
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,160
Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?
74
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,680
Um, no, that's just your face.
75
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,640
Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!
76
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:33,920
No! Adam!
77
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,440
JONNY HOWLS
78
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,440
It's actually 6.554 miles.
79
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,400
Oh!
80
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,440
So, we only got you a couple of
things,
81
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,880
cos you only asked for a
couple of things.
82
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,480
The world's most boring
couple of things.
83
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,160
Here. Is this a present?
84
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,960
No, it's your arse.
85
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,760
Course it's a present!
86
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,720
No need to say thank you.
87
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,560
It's a battery tester.
Yes.
88
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,080
Well, say thank you.
89
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,640
In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.
90
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,440
You're going to test the battery
tester? Obviously.
91
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,280
God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?
92
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,560
Pillock. Here! Have a pound!
93
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,320
Ow! God, Dad! Martin!
94
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:18,880
LAUGHS
Nice shot, Dad.
95
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,120
TESTER BEEPS
96
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,080
It works.
97
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,960
You're welcome.
98
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960
PHONE RINGS
99
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,000
Oh, please stop calling me.
100
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,840
SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.
101
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:36,960
Ugh! Horrible Grandma.
102
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,000
Hello again, Cynthia.
103
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,240
It's Martin's birthday.
104
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,920
I know, Cynthia.
105
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,480
Martin's my only son.
106
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:48,000
Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.
107
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,440
We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?
108
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,560
She hung up. Again. Good.
Nice one, Mum.
109
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,360
I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining
110
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,960
another of Dad's birthdays.
111
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,240
Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.
112
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,000
Huh?
113
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,360
Here, Mr Wonderful.
114
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,440
Is that my other present?
115
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,920
No, it's your other arse.
116
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,640
Drill bits. You're welcome again.
117
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:19,480
Where are you going?
118
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,440
Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.
119
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,000
CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?
120
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,800
Maybe we could drill
into his head to find out.
121
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,320
DRILLING
Dad! Right!
122
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,360
I'm not having any more of this
crap!
123
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,800
My drill!
124
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,120
Martin! It's your birthday!
125
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,120
Why are you being such a grumpy git
the whole time?
126
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,160
What are you talking about?
I'm serious.
127
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,520
What is going on? What?
128
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,400
Nothing is going on.
129
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,440
TUTS
130
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:45,920
Dad? Dad?
131
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,000
HE SIGHS
All right! God.
132
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,640
I'm not going into space.
133
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:55,400
I'm sorry?
134
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,920
I'm not going into bloody space!
135
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,680
Wha...?
136
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,000
You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?
137
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,280
Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!
138
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,520
Did you see my spaceship outside?
139
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,400
Er, have you been drinking?
140
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,520
Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?
141
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,080
I read an article.
142
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,520
Right.
143
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:16,840
Read it.
144
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,400
What? The whole article?
145
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,600
Oh, bleeding hell!
146
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,560
"Affordable space travel for all
147
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,320
"not expected until 2050, say
experts."
148
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:30,480
And?
149
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,760
2050.
150
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,040
And? Well, I'll be dead
by then, won't I?
151
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,160
Will you? Yes.
152
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:39,240
Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?
153
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,960
Prats. The computer system.
154
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,200
It's called the internet,
but do go on.
155
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,040
There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth
156
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,480
and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,
157
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,680
you know, die.
158
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,760
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?
159
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,320
I die on April 9th, 2048.
160
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,720
Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.
161
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,840
No way! What?
You did the boys?
162
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,360
Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you! Yeah!
163
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:05,840
You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...
164
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,760
...perish? What?
165
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,680
How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?
166
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,560
Well, you last a couple of months
after me.
167
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,600
Oh, my God! Incredible.
3rd of June, 2048.
168
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,880
Dad! Martin! Right.
169
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,560
Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.
170
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,280
Thank you so much!
171
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,440
You're unbelievable!
172
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,280
Eh? Calm down, Jackie.
173
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,560
It's probably not the
exact exact date.
174
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,720
Just go away. Although, it's
probably pretty close,
175
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,440
because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...
176
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,360
Right. Thank you again!
177
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:35,440
DOORBELL
178
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,080
SIGHS
179
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,320
If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...
180
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,640
I am so angry with you!
181
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:46,120
Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.
182
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,000
Please don't be her.
183
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,400
GROANS
184
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,680
Jackie?
185
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,440
Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you.
186
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,880
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.
187
00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,920
Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?
188
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:04,360
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
189
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,440
didn't we, Milson?
190
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,920
Um, hello, Jim.
191
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,360
Happy birthday, Martin.
192
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,800
Balls! Ugh!
193
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,040
Um, Jim, could I have your date of
birth, please?
194
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,520
OTHERS: Do not tell him!
Don't tell him that!
195
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,160
Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath
196
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,200
for an hour, hmm?
Jackie!
197
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,600
Bye-bye, Martin.
198
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,720
But, Jackie!
199
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,760
Anything else, Jim? Yes, um,
200
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:27,240
I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks
201
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,040
for the birthday boy.
202
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,640
What? Magic tricks?
203
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:31,960
You do magic?
204
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,600
Oh, yes, we've been teaching
ourselves
205
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,120
lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?
206
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,360
Look.
207
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,640
NERVY MUTTERINGS
208
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,160
What are you doing?
209
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,160
Magic with my magic hankie.
210
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,200
Does Martin enjoy magic?
211
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,080
Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.
212
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,040
Um, do come in, Jim.
213
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,480
Any card? Any card, Martin.
214
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,400
Bleeding hell. Now what?
215
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,200
Look at the card.
216
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,360
And now tell me what the card is.
217
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,440
Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.
218
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,600
BREATHES HEAVILY
219
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:32,920
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
220
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,720
What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!
221
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,400
Oh, yes. I can never do that one.
222
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,240
Well, thanks so much, Jim.
223
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:44,120
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
224
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,280
Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.
225
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,240
How exciting!
226
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,240
Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!
227
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,400
Bravo! Buggers.
228
00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,120
Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!
229
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:01,680
Maybe Jim will saw him in half.
230
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:05,520
CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.
231
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,320
Shall we just start dinner without
him? Yes, please! Definitely.
232
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,480
Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!
233
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,440
# Skill McGill! #
# Skilligan McGilligan! #
234
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,920
DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?
235
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,960
What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone. Gone?
236
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,640
Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him? Ah!
237
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:26,800
So that's how you get rid of Jim.
238
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,360
What did you pay him with?
I found 20 quid in your purse.
239
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,000
Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.
240
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,640
Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.
241
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,680
Boys?
242
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:40,280
Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!
243
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,280
Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.
244
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,040
Not this crap again. Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner
245
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,520
with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?
246
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,640
I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead. How kind.
247
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,600
Anyway, those two have nothing
to worry about.
248
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,720
They go on for years.
Please shut up.
249
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,920
Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes.
250
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,600
You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.
251
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:07,080
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
252
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,040
Er...
253
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,960
2085.
254
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:15,480
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?
255
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,240
Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.
256
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,880
See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.
257
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,320
What do you think about that?
258
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,680
Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.
259
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:27,440
Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.
260
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,720
Jonny, you don't. What?
Cos you die first.
261
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,640
Ah! I die first?
262
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,240
But Adam's older than me!
263
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,720
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.
264
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,280
Of course! My running and exercise.
265
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,400
HE HEAVES
266
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,760
July 22nd, 2082.
That's when you die.
267
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,040
Oh, my God! What?
268
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,480
Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin! Ow!
269
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:51,440
July 22nd, 2082.
Don't tell me, Jonny!
270
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,480
Ow!
271
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,760
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?
272
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,560
That is fantastic.
I need a drink.
273
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,960
But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?
274
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,280
Mars, Mars, Mars.
275
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,440
Brilliant. Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.
276
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,680
Thank you. And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.
277
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:11,480
Pusface!
278
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,800
Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?
279
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,480
Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.
280
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,960
Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.
281
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,040
You're gonna start running now, are
you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.
282
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,720
Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?
283
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,360
Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!
284
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,320
Where are you going?
Putting my shoes on.
285
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,080
Pissface? Your mother!
What?
286
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,960
Oh. Yeah.
287
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,800
Go on, then.
288
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,240
March 20th, 2085.
289
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,520
Great.
290
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,720
You're running now? Now?
291
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,680
Yes! You can't run now.
We've got beef.
292
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,560
Can you move out of the way,
please? Jonny!
293
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,200
Yes, he has gone insane.
294
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,280
Right. Ready, Pusface?
295
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,600
Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.
296
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,600
Horrible Grandma.
297
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,120
Happy birthday, Martin.
298
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,000
Balls!
299
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,720
Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...
300
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,080
I wasn't banning you, Cynthia.
301
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,720
My only son.
302
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:30,000
I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?
303
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,840
Jackie. That's because I didn't send
a card.
304
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,240
Fair enough.
305
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,000
Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.
306
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,480
Bleeding hell, Jackie.
307
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,040
Why would I give Martin a present?
308
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,680
His birthday, perhaps?
309
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,240
But he's not a baby.
310
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,640
Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...
311
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,680
Horrible... ..Grandma.
312
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:53,240
I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.
313
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,360
Six. Yes, six.
314
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:59,480
I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present
315
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:00,720
I'd given him when he was five.
316
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:01,800
SHE LAUGHS
317
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,680
Lovely. A whistle.
318
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:04,640
Lovely.
319
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,080
Well, he wasn't to know, was he?
320
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,440
Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!
321
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,200
I'm looking forward to the beef.
322
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,920
Oh, are you, Cynthia?
323
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,440
Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.
324
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,960
Get rid of her?
How am I going to get rid of her?
325
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,680
Er, poison?
326
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,560
Garrotting? Drowning in a bucket!
327
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,120
Any of those will do. Idiots.
328
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,480
I really don't care
how you get rid of her, Martin.
329
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,360
You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.
330
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,920
Jackie, I don't have a spaceship!
331
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,120
Ju... OK.
332
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,160
Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...
333
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:40,880
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that...woman!
334
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,040
But, Jackie... And instead of
looking up
335
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,280
when your wife and kids drop dead,
336
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,680
why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!
337
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,840
Er, yes, actually!
338
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,960
Who the hell do you think
I looked up first?!
339
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,840
And? She lives to
a shitting hundred.
340
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,680
Of course she does. What?!
341
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,560
OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,
342
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,800
you can have your dinner with her.
343
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,360
Huh?
344
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,440
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?
345
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,600
Oh, yes, Cynthia.
346
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:20,520
And? Grim.
347
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,560
Really? How grim?
348
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,360
Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.
349
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,840
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...
350
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,800
To Dad's shitty birthday!
351
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,000
OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!
352
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,800
Uh...
353
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,240
Er, no, you're not allowed in here!
354
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,320
What? Please don't send me back in
there.
355
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,560
Martin, go and sit with your mother!
356
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,560
But, Jackie,
I can't take it in there any more.
357
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,000
Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.
358
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,000
What, that long?!
359
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,000
Oh, hello, Mum.
360
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,480
There's been a little accident.
361
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:48,840
It's all over them!
362
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:52,320
Yes, I don't know how it happened.
363
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,840
I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.
364
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,360
It's on the walls as well!
365
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,040
Yes, it is, isn't it?
366
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,280
And this wall?
367
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,360
You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?
368
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,600
I beg your pardon? Oh, God.
369
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:08,440
You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.
370
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,000
Oh, do I, Jacqueline?
371
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,600
Yes, you bloody do!
372
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,160
Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.
373
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,800
Er... This place is crap, is it?
374
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,560
Yes. Crap.
375
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,640
And the food. Really?
376
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,520
I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".
377
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:27,800
Well, I was wrong.
378
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:28,840
It was inedible.
379
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,480
Sort of see that one coming.
380
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,040
And you know what else is crap?
381
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,400
No, do tell me.
382
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,000
Your family.
383
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,480
Your family is crap.
384
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,200
You'd better bloody say something
right now.
385
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,440
Er, Mum...
386
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:44,640
Have you finished your meal?
387
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,320
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!
388
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,600
Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -
389
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,800
you're part of this crap family!
390
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,400
And don't I bloody know it?!
391
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:57,280
With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!
392
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,320
WHISPERS: Crap hair?!
393
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,880
And those idiotic boys,
394
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,960
whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.
395
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,680
I'm Nicholas. And I'm Lawrence.
396
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,880
And your son? Eh, Cynthia?
397
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,480
What about your son? Your only son?
398
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,520
Well, he used to be bearable,
399
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,280
but then he met you.
400
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,040
Right!
401
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,000
Martin?
402
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,400
I'm not taking this shit any more!
403
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,120
You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!
404
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,240
Hooray!
405
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,720
And a terrible human being!
406
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,160
Hoorah!
407
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,120
Oh, it's all coming out now!
408
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:41,120
Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.
409
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,040
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?
410
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,080
Yup! It's Horrible Grandma!
411
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,200
Cos you're the most horrible grandma
in the world.
412
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,520
JACKIE: Er, universe.
Multiverse. Huh?
413
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,680
Well, cos scientists think there
could be
414
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,160
any number of universes out there.
415
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,160
Yeah, maybe later.
416
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,560
Well, since you all hate me so
much...
417
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:56,480
And we do.
418
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,600
You're going home and never coming
back? No.
419
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:02,600
I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!
420
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,720
SHE GIGGLES
421
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,120
You're a pig!
422
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,280
Well, you would know!
423
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,720
DOOR SLAMS
424
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,720
Oh, my God.
425
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,640
What just happened?
426
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,960
More gin. More gin!
427
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,560
GLASS SMASHES
428
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:19,640
What the...?
429
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:21,800
Huh?
430
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,840
Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!
431
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,600
OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house
432
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,200
in two seconds... I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!
433
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,160
Right, then, I'm getting out
of this bloody house!
434
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,120
Jackie... Boys, we're going for a
run.
435
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,960
What?! Mum?
436
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,760
And, Martin? Yes?
437
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,720
You're staying here and guarding
your lunatic of a mother.
438
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,640
Oh, shitting shit!
439
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,720
Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.
440
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:47,600
SHE GROWLS
441
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,200
CYNTHIA GIGGLES
442
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,040
Come on! Best night ever? Possible!
443
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,320
Hello, all!
444
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,560
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.
445
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,840
Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.
446
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,280
Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK?
Excuse me.
447
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,400
I must have it now, Jackie, I must!
448
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,200
It's my hankie.
449
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,880
Your hankie.
450
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,800
My magic hankie.
451
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,360
I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.
452
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,840
Please hurry up. Please!
453
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,120
I can't believe you made her tea.
454
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,200
HE SPLUTTERS
455
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,400
It's delicious.
456
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,480
Oh, here it is! Silly me.
457
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,920
It was in my pocket the whole time.
458
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:23,960
HE SNORTS
459
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:24,840
What is it?
460
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,200
It's my magic hankie.
461
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,120
Well, bye, all!
462
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,000
MARTIN: Er, goodbye, Jim.
463
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,360
Actually, Jim...
464
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,440
..how would you like to perform
some magic
465
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,080
for my wonderful mother-in-law?
466
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,760
Well, get on with it, you silly man!
467
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:55,000
Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...
468
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,600
..the ten of hearts?
469
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,320
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!
470
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,360
Oh.
471
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,080
Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim?
472
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,880
Yes, it's difficult, isn't it?
473
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:11,080
Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?
474
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,160
I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.
475
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,800
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?
476
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,160
Aw, how sweet.
477
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,400
Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman.
478
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,400
Perhaps I could borrow this towel?
479
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,280
The magic towel?
480
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,960
The magic towel.
481
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,360
And so...
482
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,800
..I say the magic word...
483
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,480
HE STUTTERS: ..abadababadababada...
484
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,600
..and she's gone!
485
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,400
Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?
486
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,160
What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.
487
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,640
Right.
488
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,880
And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.
489
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,240
Please don't.
490
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,440
HE STUTTERS
491
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,600
Cynthia?
492
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,800
As I said,
with such a massive heart attack,
493
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,200
she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.
494
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,960
All just very quick and painless.
495
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,040
A good way to go.
496
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,200
Thanks, Doctor. Thank you.
497
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,080
HE EXHALES
Wow.
498
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,520
Yeah.
499
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:28,240
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...
500
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,840
..with my magic.
501
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,080
Er, right, Jim.
502
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:34,520
In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.
503
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,640
Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.
504
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,600
Good girl.
505
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:43,000
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.
506
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,440
Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.
507
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:47,360
Er... Goodbye, Jim.
508
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,840
Well, she definitely didn't last to
100.
509
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,720
Adam.
510
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,600
It's all just so strange.
511
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,800
What? Being murdered by magic?
Jonny!
512
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,880
And on my birthday, too.
513
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,160
Yeah, your birthday.
514
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:07,920
What a birthday.
515
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,360
HE SOBS
516
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,720
Oh, poor Dad.
517
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,320
Yeah.
518
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:17,960
I'm sorry, Dad.
519
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,760
HE CRIES
520
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,640
That's it, Martin.
521
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,160
Aw, let it all out.
522
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:29,920
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
523
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,760
Er... It's just nerves.
524
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,200
Is it nerves?
525
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,720
It's not nerves!
526
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,640
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
527
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,960
# I change shapes just to hide in
this place
528
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,600
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
529
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,320
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
530
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,760
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
531
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,880
# I change shapes just to hide in
this place
532
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:12,320
# But I'm still,
I'm still an animal... #
533
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,360
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